funnymania.org

The Bakery

Thu Nov 13, 2008 5:00 am

by makhno (Posted Thu Nov 13, 2008 5:00 am)
A customer in a bakery was observed carefully examining all the rich-looking pastries displayed on trays in the glass cases.

When a clerk approached him and asked, "What would you like?" he answered, "I'd like that chocolate-covered, cream-filled doughnut, that jelly-filled doughnut and that cheese Danish."

Then with a sigh he added, "But I'll take an oat-bran muffin."

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How To Tick People Off

Wed Sep 17, 2008 3:32 am

by makhno (Posted Wed Sep 17, 2008 3:32 am)
1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors.”
3. Specify that your drive-through order is “TO-GO.”
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
7. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what you think.”
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc” them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”
16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
“DO YOU HEAR THAT?”
“What?”
“Never mind, it’s gone now.”
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce “No, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”

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Truckie

Sat Aug 23, 2008 12:47 pm

by morphium3d (Posted Sat Aug 23, 2008 12:47 pm)
An old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

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Made in Japan

Tue Aug 05, 2008 3:51 am

by makhno (Posted Tue Aug 05, 2008 3:51 am)
There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing.

On his last day, he hail a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport.

During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan."

After awhile, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan."

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan."

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport.

The fare was US$300. The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah...so expensive!"

There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan."

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Why You Should Never Go to a 5* Hotel?

Sun Jul 20, 2008 1:38 am

by makhno (Posted Sun Jul 20, 2008 1:38 am)
Question: "What would you like to have: Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?"
Answer: "Tea please"
Question: "Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or Green tea?"
Answer: "Ceylon tea"
Question: "How would you like it? Black or white?"
Answer: "White"
Question: "Milk, whitener, or condensed milk?"
Answer: "With milk"
Question: "Goat milk, camel milk or cow milk?"
Answer: "With cow milk please"
Question: "Milk from Freeze land cow or African cow?"
Answer: "Um, I'll take it black"
Question: "Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"
Answer: "With sugar"
Question: "Beet sugar or cane sugar?"
Answer: "Cane sugar"
Question:" White, brown or yellow sugar?"
Answer: "Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead"
Question: "Mineral water or still water?"
Answer: "Mineral water"
Question: "Flavored or non-flavored?"
Answer: "I'll rather die of thirst"

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YourSexualIQ.com

Thu Jul 17, 2008 3:55 pm

by morphium3d (Posted Thu Jul 17, 2008 3:55 pm)
Funny prank that is designed to send Sex IQ test to your friends and after they finish it all their answers are mailed back to you.

http://www.yoursexualiq.com

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Last Name

Tue Jun 24, 2008 2:46 pm

by makhno (Posted Tue Jun 24, 2008 2:46 pm)
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.

"What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only... Smith, Jones, Baker... that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

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Current photo

Fri Jun 13, 2008 1:43 am

by makhno (Posted Fri Jun 13, 2008 1:43 am)
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top half.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says... "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style, it makes your nose look too short!"

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Accident

Fri Jun 06, 2008 2:40 am

by makhno (Posted Fri Jun 06, 2008 2:40 am)
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"

"Why, yes, officer, I'm just fine," the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" The blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this tree pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...."

"Ooh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

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Rusty the Narcoleptic dog

Sun Jun 01, 2008 3:14 pm

by morphium3d (Posted Sun Jun 01, 2008 3:14 pm)

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Sneezing panda

Sun Jun 01, 2008 3:05 pm

by mali_mate (Posted Sun Jun 01, 2008 3:05 pm)

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Yo mamma jokes

Sun May 25, 2008 7:45 pm

by morphium3d (Posted Sun May 25, 2008 7:45 pm)
Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death

Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!

Yo mama so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!

Yo mama so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!

Yo mama so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!

Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps off a bridge, the bridge collapses

Yo mama so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!

Yo mama's glasses are so thick that when she looks on a map she can see people waving.

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Sexy counting

Sun May 25, 2008 7:14 pm

by morphium3d (Posted Sun May 25, 2008 7:14 pm)

Attachment:

Engelstellen.pps

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Very strange

Sun May 25, 2008 7:11 pm

by morphium3d (Posted Sun May 25, 2008 7:11 pm)
.......

Attachment:

rariteiten.pps

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Perfect woman

Sun May 25, 2008 7:02 pm

by morphium3d (Posted Sun May 25, 2008 7:02 pm)
This is perfect woman )

Attachment:

Femmeideale.PPS

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Smart Canadian

Sun May 25, 2008 8:24 am

by anja (Posted Sun May 25, 2008 8:24 am)
A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The
very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of
lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager.

The boy says he'll ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room,
the boy said to his manager, "Some axx-hole wants to buy half a head of
lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind
him, so he added, "... and this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the
other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got
yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who can think on
their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing up there but whores and hockey players."

"Really?" exclaimed the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"

"No kidding" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

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101 Excuses to Avoid a Date

Sun May 25, 2008 8:15 am

by anja (Posted Sun May 25, 2008 8:15 am)
hahaha... this is funny

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How to install Windows Vista in 2 minutes

Sat May 24, 2008 6:26 pm

by sonya87 (Posted Sat May 24, 2008 6:26 pm)

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Welcome all

Sat May 24, 2008 1:43 pm

by sonya87 (Posted Sat May 24, 2008 1:43 pm)
Site is cool. Simple and efficient.. hope it'll grow in a huge community

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If you have dirty screen...

Sat May 24, 2008 1:41 pm

by sonya87 (Posted Sat May 24, 2008 1:41 pm)
this is soooo cuuuuteee

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Funny ASCII art

Sat May 24, 2008 1:39 pm

by sonya87 (Posted Sat May 24, 2008 1:39 pm)
generate cool ascii text with this tool:
http://ascii.dtools.net/

or take a look at ASCII art gallery:
http://ascii-pictures.dtools.net

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Worlds most effective speed bump :)

Sat May 24, 2008 1:03 pm

by fmaniaadmin (Posted Sat May 24, 2008 1:03 pm)

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Priest and whores

Sat May 24, 2008 8:32 am

by morphium3d (Posted Sat May 24, 2008 8:32 am)
So this guy goes to confess his sins in a small town. Father I have slept with a married woman I cant say who it is tho.

Priest> Is it virginia?

dude > no

Priest> is it vanesa?

dude > no

prieast> is it Mary?

Dude > no I dont wanna tell who it is

Priest> Then I cant absolve you of your sins.

Later that day the dude talks to his friend. His friend says "so did you get forgiven". The guy says " no but I found new opportunities to bang a few new whores"

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Don’t sleep by the pool

Fri May 23, 2008 11:42 am

by anja (Posted Fri May 23, 2008 11:42 am)
The morning after the party, one guy’s friends decided to shoot him in the pool, but they went too far…

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Stand-up comedy

Wed May 21, 2008 4:40 am

by uncanny comic (Posted Wed May 21, 2008 4:40 am)
funny stand-up routines that were submitted to http://www.gostandup.com/

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Portrait

Wed Apr 30, 2008 6:58 am

by anja (Posted Wed Apr 30, 2008 6:58 am)
Test your portrait

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How a butterfly destroyed my house

Tue Apr 29, 2008 9:00 am

by anja (Posted Tue Apr 29, 2008 9:00 am)

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Cute cats dancing :)

Mon Apr 28, 2008 1:21 pm

by anja (Posted Mon Apr 28, 2008 1:21 pm)

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Funny video sperm banned commercial

Thu Apr 24, 2008 8:16 pm

by anja (Posted Thu Apr 24, 2008 8:16 pm)

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Online Mahjong

Thu Apr 24, 2008 8:11 pm

by anja (Posted Thu Apr 24, 2008 8:11 pm)

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