Funs Humour Laughter Satire

The Golf Ball

noreply@blogger.com (R S Das) — Sun, 20 May 2018 15:08:00 +0000

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.

"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?" he asked. The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one. "Are you sure?" the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?"

The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it, so I don't need another one."

"Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"

"That's okay," he replied. "This special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it."

"Well, what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?"

The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back -- no problem."

Exasperated, the friend asked, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?"

"No problem," said the other guy. "You see, this ball is fluorescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark."

Finally satisfied that he needed only the one golf ball, the friend asked, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"

The other guy replied, "I found it."

CELEBRITY RESTAURANT

noreply@blogger.com (R S Das) — Sun, 20 May 2018 14:56:00 +0000

A new celebrity restaurant chain is opening up nationwide. It is a partnership between Kareem Abdul Jabarr, Ryan Coffee, and Sugar Ray Leonard.

They're going to call it: "Coffee, with Kareem and Sugar"

noreply@blogger.com (R S Das) — Sun, 26 Jun 2016 15:19:00 +0000

A priest, a rabbi, a doctor and a lawyer are gathered at a mutual friend's graveside to mourn his passing.

The priest says to the others, "I think our good friend would have liked to take something with him to his next life." He pulls a $100 bill from his wallet and drops it on the casket.

The rabbi agrees, "That's a fine idea," and drops his own $100 bill on the casket.

The doctor, not to be outdone, does the same.

The lawyer murmurs, "What a wonderful thought," as he gazes down at their friend's casket. Whipping out his pen, he quickly writes a check for $400, drops it into the grave and takes the three $100 bills as change.

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

noreply@blogger.com (R S Das) — Thu, 23 Jun 2016 14:15:00 +0000

A teacher was asked to fill out a questionnaire. One question asked, "Give two reasons for entering the teaching profession."
The teacher wrote, "July and August."

noreply@blogger.com (R S Das) — Wed, 22 Jun 2016 13:39:00 +0000

In the News:

It happened again. Yesterday yet another person jumped the White House fence. On the bright side, at least Michelle Obama is finally getting more Americans to exercise.

noreply@blogger.com (R S Das) — Sun, 19 Jun 2016 11:46:00 +0000

"A mother is not a person to lean on but a person to make leaning unnecessary."

noreply@blogger.com (R S Das) — Mon, 23 May 2016 14:08:00 +0000

An Apple computer built by Steve Jobs in his garage in 1976 sold for nearly $1 million. It makes it the most affordable Apple product currently on the market.

It's United Nations Day. The U.N. Is the world's foremost
institution for drafting strongly worded letters.

Sacred Duty

noreply@blogger.com (R S Das) — Fri, 20 May 2016 12:11:00 +0000

An organization of University of North Carolina athletic boosters expressed shock and outrage today over a report that a few members of U.N.C. sports teams may have taken real classes, despite the widespread availability of fake ones. A spokesman for the university was quick to say that the cases of athletes taking real classes appeared to be "isolated incidents, but as a university, it is our sacred duty to protect our athletes from education. We can -- and we must -- do better."

The Invisible Man!

noreply@blogger.com (R S Das) — Thu, 18 Feb 2016 13:41:00 +0000

The Invisible Man's favorite soup: vanishing cream of mushroom

The Invisible Man's favorite drink: evaporated milk

The Invisible Man's favorite game: Etch A Sketch, because it makes images disappear

The Invisible Man's favorite article of clothing: See-Through Panty Hose

The Invisible Man's favorite letter of the alphabet: W, because it turns "here" into "where?"

noreply@blogger.com (R S Das) — Wed, 17 Feb 2016 15:54:00 +0000

When one engine fails on a multi-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

Black Death

noreply@blogger.com (R S Das) — Tue, 16 Feb 2016 15:12:00 +0000

An elderly parish priest was tending his garden near a convent when a passerby stopped to inquire after the priest's much-loved roses. "Not bad," said the priest, "but they suffer from a disease peculiar to this area known as the black death."

"What on earth is that?" asked the passerby.

"Nuns ... with scissors."

Made For Each Other!!

noreply@blogger.com (R S Das) — Thu, 22 Oct 2015 07:54:00 +0000

They're perfectly matched ...
... he's a history professor and she likes dates.
... he's a comedian and her whole life is a joke.
... she's a clown and he looks funny.
... she likes to jog and he's on the run.
... she's a geologist and he has rocks in his head.
... she's a mermaid and there's something fishy about him.

noreply@blogger.com (R S Das) — Wed, 21 Oct 2015 14:19:00 +0000

I was asked to provide a reference for a former employee
who was infamous for doing nothing. On the form was the
question: "Was this person a steady worker?"
I entered, "Not just steady, but motionless".

noreply@blogger.com (R S Das) — Mon, 30 Mar 2015 06:03:00 +0000

Q: What do you call two spiders who just got married?
A: Newly Webs
-----
Q: Two men meet as one is going into a rest room and the other
is coming out. What are their nationalities?
A: One is Russian and the other is Finnish.
-----
All I can find is this old wrapping paper. Oh well, I guess
it'll have to do for the present.

noreply@blogger.com (R S Das) — Fri, 27 Mar 2015 03:26:00 +0000

I work for an airline reservations office and was describing
the rules for a deep-discount airfare to a customer. I ended
by saying "This fare doesn't allow any checked baggage."
"That's okay," the customer responded quickly. "Mine are
striped."

How to manage a Football Team!

noreply@blogger.com (R S Das) — Thu, 26 Mar 2015 07:11:00 +0000

The University of North Carolina football team has
announced plans to expand to three squads next year.
One squad will play offense, another will play defense
and the third will attend classes.

noreply@blogger.com (R S Das) — Sat, 15 Nov 2014 22:41:00 +0000

"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."

noreply@blogger.com (R S Das) — Tue, 11 Nov 2014 11:37:00 +0000

12 Step Program For The Do-It-Yourself Handyman

1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break
off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.
2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.
3. Above all, if what you've done is stupid but it works, then
it isn't stupid.
4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can ... many fine tools are
there, it's warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.
5. If it's electronic, get a new one ... or consult a twelve-
year-old.
6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or
fuse; see if the tank is empty; try plugging it in or flipping
the switch.
7. If all else fails, just paint over it.
8. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm
clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working,
you've fixed it.
9. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and
throwing sometimes DOES help.
10. If something looks level, it *is* level.
11. Except for washing machines. Even when six levels say
they're level, they're *never* level.
12. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

noreply@blogger.com (R S Das) — Sat, 08 Nov 2014 12:53:00 +0000

Two blondes go bear hunting. On their way up they pass a
sign saying "Bear Left". So they turned around and went home.

noreply@blogger.com (R S Das) — Thu, 06 Nov 2014 16:13:00 +0000

"We [the English] have really everything in common with
America nowadays except, of course, language."

noreply@blogger.com (R S Das) — Thu, 06 Nov 2014 16:07:00 +0000

Many years ago in a small Italian town, a merchant had the
misfortune of owing a large sum of money to the moneylender.
The moneylender, who was old and ugly, fancied the
merchant's beautiful daughter so he proposed a bargain. He
said he would forgo the merchant's debt if he could marry
the merchant's daughter. Both the merchant and his daughter
were horrified by the proposal. The cunning money lender
suggested that they let providence decide the matter.
The moneylender told them that he would put a black pebble
and a white pebble into a bag. The girl would then pick one
pebble from the bag. If she picked the black pebble, she
would become the moneylender's wife and her father's debt
would be forgiven. If she picked the white pebble her
father's debt would still be forgiven but she would not have
to marry the moneylender. But if she refused the deal, the
moneylender would report to the authorities and her father
would be thrown into jail.
They were standing on a pebble-strewn path in the merchant's
garden. As they talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up
two pebbles. As he picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl
noticed that he had picked up two black pebbles and put them
into the bag. He then asked the girl to pick her pebble from
the bag.
What would you have done?
1. Refuse to take a pebble.
2. Show that there were two black pebbles in the bag and
expose the moneylender as a cheat.
3. Pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself to save her
father from his debt and imprisonment.
The answer: None of the above. The girl put her hand into the
bag and drew out a pebble. Without looking at it, she fumbled
and let it fall onto the pebble-strewn path where it
immediately became lost among all the other pebbles.
"Oh, how clumsy of me," she said. "But never mind, if you look
into the bag for the one that is left, you will be able to
tell which pebble I picked."

noreply@blogger.com (R S Das) — Tue, 04 Nov 2014 14:15:00 +0000

The Law of Medicine: if you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor - By the time you get there you'll feel better.

Corollary: If you don't make an appointment you'll stay sick.

noreply@blogger.com (R S Das) — Sun, 02 Nov 2014 16:51:00 +0000

A new study by the University of Minnesota indicates that fear of contracting the Ebola virus is highest among Americans who did not pay attention during math and science classes.

Need to wash!!

noreply@blogger.com (R S Das) — Fri, 31 Oct 2014 05:00:00 +0000

I've decided that hygiene is in the eye of the beholder. One
lunchtime as I watched the woman in the sandwich shop
spread mayonnaise on my bread, I noticed part of her grubby
work shirt was dragging across it.

"Excuse me," I ventured, "your sleeve is in the mayo."

"No problem," she reassured me. "I need to wash it anyway."

Blonde Vs Blonde

noreply@blogger.com (R S Das) — Wed, 22 Oct 2014 17:09:00 +0000

A blonde was speeding in a 25 mile per hour
residental zone when a local police cruiser pulled
her over.
The female police officer who walked up to the car
also happened to be a blonde.
She asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a
while and finally said to the blonde policewoman,
"What does a driver's license look like?'
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "Don't be a
smartass!, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse
again and found a small, rectangular mirror down
at the bottom.
She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must
be my driver's license", then handed it to the
blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it
back to the driver and said, "You're free to go.
And, if I had known you were a police officer too,
we could have avoided all of this."