FWD: Toma

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters and gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1 . Liberals, and

2 Labor.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminium can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Liberal movement...

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the Liberals by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Labor movement.

Some of these labor men eventually evolved into women. They became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy Labor achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that the Liberals provided.

Modern Laborites and Union leaders like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu and French food are standard Labor fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury lawyers, journalists, ABC staff and group therapists are Laborites.

Liberals drink domestic beer, mostly Carlton or XXXX. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Liberals are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Liberals who own companies hire other Liberals who want to work for a living.

Laborites produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. That is why most of the laborites created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.

It should be noted that a Laborite may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Liberal will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more laborites just to piss them off.

And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self, I'm going to have another beer.

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The Heavy Breather

Wed, 22 Feb 2012 08:05:30 -0800

Phone rings, woman answers.

Heavy breather "I bet you have a tight c--t with no hair?"

Woman "Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"

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Beer and dogs

Wed, 22 Feb 2012 08:04:51 -0800

Beer and dogs.wmv Watch on Posterous

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The Car Yard

Wed, 22 Feb 2012 08:01:43 -0800

John: Morning! Looking for a new car?

Bryan: Nope. New Prime Minister, actually.

John: You're the third one this morning. Anything in mind?

Bryan: You know...... nothing fancy, reliable, economical family model Something to get the country from A to B.

John: You mean like a Howard?

Bryan: Yeah...a little Johnny. Nothing flash, does the job. Low maintenance, economical, sensible. Runs for years, no troubles.

John: So.... you used to have one?

Bryan: Yeah. About 10 years. Great little model - don't know why I got rid of him -- biggest mistake I've ever made.

John: What happened?

Bryan: Traded him in for a Kevin 07.

John: Big mistake.

Bryan: Lots of people bought it. Good political mileage.

John: How was the Kevin 07?

Bryan: Came with a $900 factory rebate - that was good.

John: Anything else?

Bryan: Not much. Sounded nice but nothing under the bonnet. It was a lemon.

John: Didn't stick around for long did it?

Bryan: Nah - had a factory recall. Shipped overseas and was never seen again.

John: What was the problem?

Bryan: Lots. But the final straw was the navigation system. Plug it in and it automatically loses its own way.

John: Whatcha got now?

Bryan: It's a Gillard-Brown.

John: The hybrid?

Bryan: Yeah. The Eco-drive system - not a good idea. An engine that can't deliver hooked up to a transmission stuck in permanent reverse.

John: Green paintwork with a red interior. And steering that always lurches to the left for no apparent reason - that's the one?

Bryan: The Fustercluck model.

John: The only one they made, Bryan . Not the vehicle of choice for the road to recovery - but did they finish up fixing the navigation system?

Bryan: Made it worse. Turn it on and it does a press release, heads off in all directions and goes nowhere.

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11 Brilliant Lifehacks

Tue, 14 Feb 2012 05:11:29 -0800

11 Brilliant Lifehacks

via mental_floss by David K. Israel on 2/10/12

A lifehack is a secret way to make your life easier, or better, without great expense. Most of the following ideas and photos were gathered by Ian over at Wildammo.com.
Here are 11 rather effortless lifehacks that will improve your life without cutting holes in your pockets, though I’m sure that, in itself, is some kind of lifehack we just haven’t figured out yet.

1. Take scratches out of your CDs and DVDs using a banana

1. Peel the banana
2. Rub the banana on the CD in a circular motion
3. Use the underside of the peel and rub the banana in deeper
4. Wipe away the residue with a lint-free cloth, like you’d use to clean your car windows
5. Using another cloth, remove smudges with a spritz of Windex
6. Voila, she is like new!

2. Store bedding inside pillowcase

3. Take scratches out of furniture with a walnut

4. Magnetic strips as storage behind vanity door

5. Upside down muffin pan for cookie bowls

6. Bread tags as cable and cord labels

7. Hull strawberries using straw

8. Use bowl to pump up the volume

9. Bake cupcakes into ice cream cones

10. Tension rod spray-bottle hanger

11. Stocking vacuum hack for small objects

[via WildAmmo]

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Fw: FW: Herds

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 06:25:16 -0800

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns

for the various groups of animals.

We are all familiar with a

Herd of cows,

a Flock of chickens,

a School of fish

and a Gaggle of geese.

However, less widely known is:

a Pride of lions,

a Murder of crows

(as well as their cousins the rooks

and ravens),

an Exaltation of doves

and, presumably because they look so wise:

a Congress of owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons.
They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.
And what is the proper collective noun for a group

of baboons?
?
?

Believe it or not ……. a Parliament

A PARLIAMENT OF BABOONS!
I guess that pretty much explains the things

that come out from

the Parliament

You just can’t make this stuff up.

See the full gallery on Posterous

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Just when you think you've won

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 06:22:40 -0800

Facebook_9.wmv Watch on Posterous

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The Future of The Cloud

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 06:20:06 -0800

In the not too distant future,

YouTube, Twitter & FaceBook will merge

to form one giant, idiotic, super-sized,

time-wasting, non-productive,

time stealing, mind-dumbing,

not-need-to-know website called

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Car Wash

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 06:19:14 -0800

Car.wmv Watch on Posterous

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Fw: The Ant and the Grasshopper

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 06:17:32 -0800

   The ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER This one is a little different .......Two Different Versions – Old and New .......  There are Different Morals 

OLD VERSION: 
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and 
 laying up supplies for the winter. 
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. 
The grasshopper has no food or shelter, 
 so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE OLD STORY:
Be responsible for yourself!

MODERN VERSION: The Australian ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house
 and laying up supplies for the winter. 
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving. 
 The ABC TV 0, 7,  9 , and 10  News Live show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with 
a table filled with food. The country is aghast by the sharp contrast. 
 How can this be, that in a country of such wealth as Australia, this poor grasshopper is 
allowed to suffer so? 
Bob Brown appears on the ABC with the grasshopper and everybody cries ..
The Greens Party and AWU stage a demonstration in front of the ant's house where all the news stations film the group singing, Join us comrades we shall overcome.
Green Party Leader Bob Brown condemns the ant and calls an urgent meeting with Julia Gillard on the plight of the Grasshopper. Both 
 blame Tony Abbott, Julie Bishop, Joe Hockey and Barnaby Joyce , Capitalism and Global warming for the grasshopper's plight. 
Bob Brown exclaims in an interview with TV News that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, 
 and calls on Julia Gillard for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share. 
Finally to gain votes in the hope of winning the next election , the Government drafts the Economic Equity CDT  Anti- Ant Act,
 retroactive to the beginning of the summer. 
The ant is fined for failing to consider how his hard work and preparation has affected the Grasshoppers Mana and, 
having nothing left to pay his retroactive CDT taxes, his home is confiscated under the Governments Land Repo Act and given to the grasshopper.
 The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government confiscated house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant’s old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it. 
 The ant has disappeared to India to start work afresh CDT free, never to be seen again.
The grasshopper is found dead in a Drugs related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of Homeboy spiders who terrorize the once prosperous and peaceful, neighborhood. 
 
MORAL OF THE STORY: 

Be careful how you vote in 2013
 

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Finally a picture of this guy

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 06:15:41 -0800

We've all talked to this guy...At Last....A Picture of Him.

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar,
you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green .'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
'Mister manager, I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green,
and I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar..'

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.

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Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIV)

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 08:19:58 -0800

I have often wondered why it is that Conservatives are called the
> "right" and Liberals are called the "left."
>
> By chance I stumbled upon this verse in the Bible:
> "The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the
> fool to the left."
> Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIV)
>
> "A wise man's heart is at his right hand; but a fool's heart at his left"
> Ecclesiastes 10:2 (KJV)
>
> Thus sayeth the Lord. Amen.
>
> Can't get any simpler than that.
>
> Subject:Spelling Lesson
>
> The last four letters in American..........I Can
> The last four letters in Republican.......I Can
> The last four letters in Democrats.........Rats
>
> End of lesson. Test to follow in November, 2012

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Possibly the best photo caption ever written?

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 03:36:19 -0800

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The White Hat

Mon, 06 Feb 2012 13:45:18 -0800

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding
her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam.. I do not
intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in
this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your
privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir,
anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

FWD: Toma

A "Real Man's" Computer Room

The Bud Light commercial you DIDN'T see during the Super Bowl

Why Allah Gave These People Camels

How to correctly hold on in a moving train ....

Australian school answering machine

History

The Heavy Breather

Beer and dogs

The Car Yard

11 Brilliant Lifehacks

1. Take scratches out of your CDs and DVDs using a banana

2. Store bedding inside pillowcase

3. Take scratches out of furniture with a walnut

4. Magnetic strips as storage behind vanity door

5. Upside down muffin pan for cookie bowls

6. Bread tags as cable and cord labels

7. Hull strawberries using straw

8. Use bowl to pump up the volume

9. Bake cupcakes into ice cream cones

10. Tension rod spray-bottle hanger

11. Stocking vacuum hack for small objects

Fw: FW: Herds

Just when you think you've won

The Future of The Cloud

Car Wash

Fw: The Ant and the Grasshopper

Finally a picture of this guy

Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIV)

Possibly the best photo caption ever written?

The White Hat

American pie