G. Paul Stevenson

All We’ve Got.

gpaul — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 16:59:01 +0000

”A part of me died the other day. I failed to notice until it was too late. It’s a cold world. A world made colder by the folly of our humanity. I scream for you, and yet, this is the outcome of our inability to see beyond our tired pasts. I cry now, not because of our nature, but because it is that very nature which makes us as beautiful as we are disgusting. People will come into our lives, and of those people, some will leave quickly. They will help you, love you, and humble you. They will also hurt you. Remember that they are only human. A burden we quickly forget. Cherish them, flaws and all. It’s all you will ever truly have in this life.” ~ G. Paul Stevenson

Generation Last…

gpaul — Sat, 18 Feb 2012 20:45:55 +0000

”Plug in, toke up, burn out–generation last. We cashed the blank check of the future for a hollow dollar and a napalm facial.

Everyone knows how this ride ends, and yet we’re all gonna act REAL surprised when we hit the wall. Super… Wilful ignorance is taught en masse, and now the world is high on American approved stupidity.

We shoot up facsimile know how through a needle clogged with hate, and then we expect the come down to be oh so gentle.

Well, I have news for you. You’re out of your fucking mind. You, your religion, your holier than thou attitude, and your exceptional Americanism has done nothing but destroy everything around us.

America: Christian War Machine — We’ll Liberate The FUCK Out Of You!” ~ G. Paul Stevenson

The worst kind.

gpaul — Thu, 16 Feb 2012 21:07:58 +0000

“A liar of the worst kind. A fallacy within the mind of a fallacy. A renegade meme looking for pension in a sleight-of-hand world. The crop you sow is fertilized by the fallout of your mind. A whelp lost in the big bad world trying to play the game like you’ve got the winning hand, but you don’t. You haven’t a chance. You never did. Time to fold. Maybe come back one day when you’ve learned a lesson or two… We’ll be waiting… Watching.” ~ G. Paul Stevenson

Why did we have to fail?

gpaul — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 17:30:55 +0000

”The pain in your eyes, and the lies that they hide are too much for me to bear. I can’t stand the way you look at me. It’s as if I took your last ounce of will and smashed it against a broken heart. This hasn’t been love for ages, and yet here we are years later, holding on. Why can’t we let go? The good times are like the memory of a faded dream–insubstantial, and yet, they’re all we’ve got…” G. Paul Stevenson

On my way home.

gpaul — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 17:28:22 +0000

I board my plane, and head to the back seats where I prefer to sit. There was a purse on the aisle seat in the last row on the left, so I took the last row on the right. I just finished stowing my luggage when a mother and her two young children made it back to where I was. The mother said to her 3 year old that she would have to sit with a stranger while she took care of her 8 month old. The little girl started sobbing. I got up and told her that they could have my seat, and I grabbed my gear and went to the left aisle seat. Well, it turned out that the last aisle was not taken. The purse on the last seat belonged to one of the stewardesses. She came up to me and said that because I let the lady and her children have the seat, all the drinks are on the house. I ordered a rum and coke, and she brought me a couple cans of coke and three mini Jack Daniels. It was a great flight home.

The Tragedy…

gpaul — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 06:02:26 +0000

”Nothing will change if I break before you, but then you may see the extent of my pain, and still not understand. It’s not that it’s beyond comprehension. It’s just that it is born from my world view, and your world view cannot fit into it. A sad state of affairs. You can empathize, but you cannot fathom. You can stand by my side, but I will always be alone. You cannot understand what you’ve never been, and that alone is a great human tragedy. “~G. Paul Stevenson

Okay, I’m going on vacation.

gpaul — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 16:19:02 +0000

Posted in Uncategorized

I will be back by the 14th. While I’m gone, I will try to do a post or two. I just wanted to take a moment to thank you guys for following me. I will be posting another post later … #LINK#

The into to the last short story in my book. Almost done.

gpaul — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 18:01:07 +0000

”I could lie to her over a phone, and I could lie to her face–her beautiful face as full of pain as I’d ever seen it, but I couldn’t lie to myself. Her eyes were so tearful, and her blubbering lips were unable to spit out the word no when I left her with our children, Sarah and Michael, and the pathetic excuse, “I have to work”, ringing in her ears. Her parents lives hung in that balance and all I could do was run and hide.

It wasn’t because I was afraid of death. I watched my business partner blow his brains out in front of me when he lost everything in the stock market collapse that kicked off the great recession. All I did was bitch about his brains staining my Italian silk tie while I waited for the 911 automated system to finish asking me if I wanted English or Spanish,

No, death didn’t bother me in the slightest. I ran away because I fear the life death brings. I’m afraid to console my wife’s family, my wife, and my children. I’m afraid to see the pain they are going through, and realize that I have no pain to feel when you twist the knife of death into me; that I had no hate to breathe into a riot, and no love to give to those I’m supposed to love unconditionally. I was the worst kind of coward. The one who was so afraid of himself that he couldn’t allow himself to feel, because if he did, he would crack under the pressure.

Kelly pulled out his .45 and held it lovingly against his temple. It would be so easy to end it now. No more cowardice, no more screaming inadequacies–just oblivion. I couldn’t do it, though. I just didn’t have it in me. Kelly put the gun back in it’s holster.

It’s time to escape. There was just to much bullshit heavy in my mind.

Kelly drew his fingers across the gold inlay of his hand made oak desk, and then traced the ornate carving of the Greek God’s bickering like children over the Golden Apple, while Eris, the Goddess of Discord laughed from above. He settled on the top drawer, took out a small humidor, and pulled out a blunt. He smoked his troubles away for a time.

The hollow ritual meant nothing to him. It was time to get the fuck away from reality. Kelly snubbed the half smoked blunt and hit the door.” ~ G. Paul Stevenson

Thank you my friend. You will never be forgotten.

gpaul — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 19:56:07 +0000

It was October 12th, 2010. My best friend fell asleep behind the wheel of his car and hit a tree going 55mph. He was in the hospital for 7 days in a coma clinging to life before he died. It was the first time anybody I knew had passed. He was also the person closest to me out of everybody I knew. I broke inside. It was the worst feeling I’ve ever known.
His funeral was amazing. It was standing room only and people called or wrote in from all around the world. I’ve never met anybody like him. He touched the hearts of so many, and his passing marked a sad note for humanity. He was truly the best of us.
I was lost for weeks after, and my mom sent me to a therapist. It was there I learned that I was bipolar. This was a revelation to me. I had pretty much thought that my entire life was me being a fuck up who failed at existence. Now I knew the truth, I was just broken. It wasn’t all my fault.
I began the long road back to sanity that day. It was hard. As I gained the ability to focus and think for the first time in my life, I felt alive.
It’s been a long road to sanity, and one haunted by the actions I made while unmedicated. I will always have to live with those action. The drug use, violence, criminal actions, and self-hate all stemmed from my disorder. It wasn’t so much that my disorder caused those behaviors. It was that my disorder didn’t allow me to deal with the pain of years of abuse.
The reality of my past was a hard thing to swallow, but at least I could finally grow as a human being. I started to finally enjoy life, and was able to heal. It was then I realized that in death, he had saved my life. He was a true friend to the end.

gpaul — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 04:07:52 +0000

”I dream a dream of dreams past. A memory of a place I once wanted to be. A lost attempt at a bright future–long since gone. I mourn the loss of the ghost of the dream that could never be, while I weep for the future I could never have.

I’m broken. I don’t say this to seek attention, nor do I wish for even an ounce of pity. It is simply a truth of my being. I broke a long time ago, and while the pieces have been glued back together–haphazardly at best–I will never be the person who I once was. I’m okay with that, and have moved on to other dreams, and other goals, but I will always hold in my heart that one special moment in time when I thought I could have it all.

To be that naive again would be a beautiful and tragic thing. A heartfelt and true moment where I held ideals long faded to the reality of life. I can’t even remember what it really felt like. I only remember that it was once upon a time, and that time will never be again.” ~ G. Paul Stevenson