Only this time, I’m taking a FULL social media fast not limited to my blog.  I am also *GASP* not checking Facebook, Twitter or Instagram.  Pinterest bit it for me, a long time ago.

Why Now?

1.  I’ve been too focused on platform building.  The sort of drive I was putting into guest posts & other sites I contribute to has been leaving me far too self-focused.  This has caused me to lose my focus on how to serve others online and otherwise.

2.  I’ve become too involved in behind-the-scenes blogging politics.  This could very well be the top reason.  I could leave blogging for all eternity because of this one.  I shouldn’t say more, but it’s been deeply troubling.  Deeply, deeply troubling.  Far beyond what this little empathetic, sensitive soul can handle.  I’m starting to hate people.  This is not me.  I’m not a hater.  Yet, I’m starting to ooze angry, hot tears of hatred over junior-high like behavior amongst Christian bloggers.  The disappointment is much too much right now.  (Perhaps I could have handled this in other more normal, stable times of life)?

3.  As a result of #2, I’ve become disgruntled.  Angry.  Not myself. How does one become a disgruntled blogger?  Only me.

4. I feel lost and voiceless.  Not that anyone has taken my voice, but that I’m not sure what my writing voice is anymore.  Or, bluntly, I don’t know what to write that I want to keep writing about.  Nothing feels right.

5.  Even when I’m not blogging regularly, blogging takes up a lot of mental space & energy.  For example, when I go a whole week without blogging, I’ll think about it, everyday, how guilty I feel not blogging for that week.  When I tell myself to calm down (and that somehow manages to work) I’ll start stressing about what to post when I start posting again.  People, this is not normal, nor healthy.

6.  I feel that I’ve come to an unhealthy place in my relationship to other bloggers.  Read: sometimes I have an insane and insatiable amount of jealousy towards others bloggers with a developed niche and loyal readership.  Even though I know I’m not ready for that (see #4) I can’t stop berating myself to just. try. harder.  But then #1.  And then #2.  Rinse. Repeat.

7.  I believe I’ve put too much focus on blogging & platform building at the expense of learning other useful things.  When I tend to go for something I go full-tilt, which, as you can surmise gets me burned out.  Recently, I’ve read many, many books about blogging, platform building, twittering etc. at the expense of books about how to grow my marriage, how to parent my children or even -just for fun- how to take better care of my natural hair.  Some people can hold all these things in tension, I’m just not one of those people.  Not for now at least.

8.  I’m very overwhelmed with life right now and have very little emotional reserves left.  What little I have left is being used up by #2 and #3.  Even if that weren’t the case: #4.  I acknowledge that part of what I’m going through right now is the classic girl-is-down-girl-needs-to-reach-deep-within-her-soul-and-find-a-way-to-pull-herself-up-roaring-victoriously-to-success but I’m not there, y’all.

If I did fight that hard to dig deep within my fears to change aspects of my life for the better, I can’t afford to expend that costly precious energy on something that is (currently) the opposite of life giving: it’s draining me. Constantly.  (See #5)

9.  I’m in a stage of extreme uncertainty career-wise.  Identity-wise!  I’m in the midst of launching a Coaching company yet, I’m also trying to think long-term about my future.  Do I want to go back to my Ministry with InterVarsity?  (Yes, maybe)  A different type of ministry like IJM or World Vision?  Is it my dream to write full-time?  I’m not so sure anymore.  What could it be like to pursue a career in Corporate America after 13 yrs. in the non-profit sector?  Of all my loves which should I pursue: speaking, training, education,  writing, photography, college students?  Should I keep moving with my recent ideas for The Black Sheep Magazine?

While I’ve worked all this out in the past on the blog, I have the feeling these decisions are too weighty for me to shake down in such a public forum.

I’ve had a few days where I nearly decided to shut down my blog, cancel and deactivate my FB & Twitter accounts…and like a ghost, disappear.  Instead of being a crazy-rash-asshat, after some thought, decided to simply declare a 4-6 week break by doing the loving thing and letting y’all know I’m not dead, a drunk or checked into a mental facility.

If you’re of the praying variety, pray for me.  I could use some discernment especially regarding #9.  The only thing that’s for sure to continue -at this point- is work on my memoir.  Nothing else is guaranteed which feels like a great place to be.  I’m open to the Lord flipping my life upside down even more than it all ready is.  Perhaps blogging will take more of a back seat in my life than it ever has in 7 years.

All I know is that I’m not willing to trade a life worth living for blogging, which sadly, insidiously, it seems I have been.

So.  What’s Next?

As I mentioned in early May, I’m reading some great books right now & I’ve been LOVING the Beth Moore, King David character study with women from my Church.  Besides that & all the extra family time that summer affords, I’m really looking forward to all this extra life-giving brain space and the (mostly) singular focus on these little gems…

{These two served their Grandma & me a lovely dessert on Mother’s day straight out of “Ransom & Rhysie’s Restaurant”}

Thanks for reading, your support and friendship. xoxo.

Encouragement to do what’s best for my soul needed, wanted, welcomed! (<<<——see how needy? LOL)

Around this time last year, I made the mistake of putting off enrolling Rhysie in 3′s pre-school for the Fall.  When the Fall rolled around I couldn’t find a single school that would take him except the pricey private schools.  Man, that was an oversight.  All year, Rhysie’s asked when he gets to go to school, when it’s his turn to ride a school bus, when he’ll get to sit at a desk.

It’s those bigger little things that make parenting feel like the weight of the world is on your undeserving shoulders.  In 18 yrs.,  will Rhysie feel cheated out of 3′s preschool?  Unlikely.

When I tell him not to say boobies, he fires back, “I will say boobies, Mama!”

When I tell him, for the 4th time, to finish his food and stop performing for Ransom, he wines, he may throw himself down.

He’s strong.  We wrestle for only a few minutes, and he hurts me: jabs a boob, elbows my head, knee to the lower back.

He’s emotionally strong.  He consistently holds his own against a brother 4 years his elder.  It’s Ransom that generally backs out, backs down and backs off.

Rhys has incredibly strong opinions about abstract things.  He sees one flower and declares it beautiful, he sees another and knows it’s not.  You cannot suggest otherwise.  He’s 3, he knows.

For being an aggressive, hearty, passionate child he shares well.  He loves cake but will break off up to half to share with Dave, Ran & I.

He’s surprisingly sensitive and attuned to the emotions of others.  At this age, when I cried in front of Ransom he’d ignore me or  pretend not to notice.   He was the only child at the time, I thought that’s what kids did when they became emotionally uncomfortable.

But Rhysie, will rub my back, ask me why I’m crying, hug and offer his words, “I wuv you, Mama.  While you are sad, I wuv you.  Weesie is here.  Weesie is here.”

Most days, he causes me emotional breakdowns because I feel supremely challenged by his strength.  I routinely remind myself who is actually in charge, who sets the bedtime and the dinner table rules.

Dave & I pray we will help this little spitfire to be passionate about all the right things and to fight for the vulnerable not topple them.  I fear for his health and safety about 50 times more than I did his older brother –the 1st born!– because Rhys will out risk Ransom 10 to 1.

Ransom, reserved and obedient, a good friend, thinker and a  light-hearted  introvert is more like his Daddy.

Rhys, passionate and risky, an intuitive perceiver, feeler and a lion-hearted extrovert is more like his Mama.

And I want to rise and meet him with loving, self-sacrificial strength as a model to follow…

…because he’s looking to me.

Ladies and Gentlecars, I, Grace Biskie have completed session #3 of the 4 Bible studies I am writing for the Converge Bible Study series being published by Abingdon Press.  Why, you ask, is this such a big deal?  Sigh, sigh & shoulder shrug.  Because, people, for whatever reason, it’s been hard -and I mean CRAZY hard to finish these!  Not to go all crazymatic on y’all but I do believe there’s been a heavy dose of spiritual attack surrounding getting these studies done.  A little context, I’m behind on deadline.  Yeah.  Yet, I’m pushing through, knowing this is an important project to be a part of.

The other day I posted on Twitter that I’ve been having some major anxiety/panic attacks.  Last Friday, I had about 12 straight hours of feeling completely on edge even more than the usual heavy anxiety I’ve been riding for 3-4 weeks, which consequently aligns quite nicely with my not working in an official way at least.  You’d think I’d be feeling this way over money, but not so much.  It’s been the much, much bigger issues of life that all seem to be thrown up in the air in a wild free fall: identity, mothering, marriage& career uncertainty.  I’ve put it all on the table and I’m testing everything.  It’s been helpful for me to throw around many ideas including: should I even pursue a career in writing?  Is blogging helpful for me? for you?  What is it that I feel called to?  Am I feeling a tug back to full time Ministry?  Great questions play such a fantastic role in our lives, don’t they? Yet, they can also kick us in the behind when everything isn’t quite as clear as hoped.  Or, ya know, just feels crappy.

I’ve been reading so much more lately.  Ahhh…what sweet delight reading is.  I’ve been digging Devotional Classics and was challenged the other day by St. Teresa of Avila who asks that we pay attention to the burning bushes all around us.  I know I’ve been quite insulated and self-focused on and off for some time now.  The weight of all this upheaval and transitions is wearing my down and I know that I’ve been distracted by my personal gunk.  It feels really good to consider how I can make looking outward more a part of my day-to-day journey.

I’m leaning in people.  I’m trying to lean into all of this un-comfortability of having no real footing in life at at a time when I suspected I would.  Life is not like that.  Things and people get stripped away.  Did I forget that?  I must have.

A friend of mine -my age- had a stroke.  That hit me.  He’s good now.  But the vulnerability of life’s day-to-day actions washed over me anew.  When I spoke with another writerly friend the other day, both of us big-dreaming, driven, Mama Bear’s wanting so badly to finish and publish our books feel the nagging sense of failure threatening to rock our resolve to push these books out into the world.  And yet, both of us know even if that happens and our books are adored…it really doesn’t matter when juxtaposed against eternity.  So.  I am humbled.  I am humbled down to my toes.  I tried hard -very, very hard- to lose ONE POUND last week.  One single freaking pound and DIDN’T.  Seriously.  I can’t even lose ONE POUND.  I am humbled.  I am faced with the frailty of my leadership in addition to my stubborn body.  Eat that humble pie, G-Bisk.  Ain’t it grand?

Today, I’m giving you a bit more emotive drivel than I’m usually comfortable doing here on GwG.  I was trying to veer away from posts like this but…

One of the things I’ve considered in these last few weeks is that I need to take some pressure off myself.  One small, tangible way of doing that is just by posting something with no links, no agenda, no “message.”  And then it hit me: it’s Tuesday!  So, I’m linking up today with Heather of the EO’s regularly scheduled, Just Write. But even if it wasn’t Tuesday, I want to do this more often.  I need to be okay with relaxing about things.  I need to accept reality about what my blog is and isn’t.  And I’d like to get back to the time when I wrote a lot with very little expectation of perfection.  Didn’t even know those were the good ole’ days!

All this.  All this and yet I am solidly, willingly, abidingly, awesomely, happily loved and held by a loving Father.  Maybe, He’s never been so near.