It’s looking like we will need to drive down again in a week or so and make a last push to rent a home. This has been difficult to swallow, as we initially thought everything was coming up roses. I had been gushing about everything turning out so perfectly and now I sit with egg on my face. So that you might understand, here is a little back story:

In the beginning of July we made a trip to Fayetteville to find a place to live. On the way in, we stopped in Kansas City. KC is a nice town that seems to have a great mix of old and new, art and artifice, big city and Midwestern river town. That evening there we ventured out to grab some barbecue at Jack Stack. They had a gluten free menu for Heidi and supposedly some of the best BBQ East of the Pecos.

The service there was excellent, the food was sublime, the wait was interminable. While we waited, Heidi went to the bar to grab a drink and met a couple or two bellied up. One of the pairs happened to be from Fayetteville and knew of a house for rent. That was the house we signed a lease for during our stay in AR.

Alas, it wasn’t to be. The people staying in that house were buying a home and that fell through. We then found a second rental and those people were buying a house and that fell through. A third place was rented before we could get to it.

On top of that, my job prospects aren’t as great as I once thought they were. It’s just been a peachy couple of weeks.

Still, I maintain my cheery disposition and optimistic outlook. Perhaps in vain, but I soldier on.

It’s May now and every living thing is awakening. Flowers everywhere, smiles reappear. It’s a different world in Minnesota. It will be good to spend our last few months here in the sunshine and be reminded of the good in this place.

Planning for our move is going slowly. I am planning to reinvent this site as a precursor to becoming a full time consultant. Right now I have no portfolio or any kind of display of my work. The new site will be built on Expression Engine, which we built the new GovDelivery corporate website on. I learned how to develop in that environment in one weekend. It’s that easy! Anyone with good knowledge of XHTML, CSS and some PHP would feel right at home. It really is a developer’s dream because it is so flexible.

Once that’s up it’s a matter of making some contacts. I have some good leads and should be relocating with a couple of jobs under my belt. There are even a few designers in the Fayetteville area that would like to possibly work with me. I’ll meet with some people on our trip in July and hope to make some connections then.

Til next time… Cheers.

That being said, I think there will be a focus of sorts, maybe secondarily. As most anyone who reads this blog (the two of you) know, Heidi and I are planning to pack up the family and move to Fayetteville, AR later this year. The plan is to eventually purchase some land and begin to live off of it or at least partially wean ourselves from the teat of this commercial culture. Why Arkansas, you ask? Because the Ozarks are damn beautiful. According to a realtor we saw on our visit in October, this is where people go to get used to heaven before they die.

The Fayetteville area is a little different than what you may have seen elsewhere in Arkansas. It’s a college town, so it has all of the benefits, youth and culture that come with that. We felt really welcome on our visit. People were very charming and nice. And the country, oh the country. Hills buckle and rise across the area that are thickly carpeted with trees. The air is clean, the temperatures are warm and the food is awful good. It’s been 50 degrees a couple of times in the past week. It’s below zero here!

So, this will be a measure of progress and a measure of my wit – or at least whatever I can muster. Hats off to thee Minnesota and I shall write again soon!

I just quickly wanted to jot off a note to explain why I haven’t been writing. This has been a time of some soul searching for me and I have not had much will to write. I also am putting some thought into what this blog should focus on, i.e. a central topic or theme. It should be general enough, such as politics, current events, personal life, music, etc. Having no focus has also made it difficult to find the best subject matter.

Please feel free to suggest themes in the comments section.

I am hoping to make a return to writing here more frequently in the next week or so.

Merci.

This system works well in reinforcing positive behavior and deterring the negative. It does not, however, cultivate self-esteem in those whose actions aren’t meeting the standard. Children from abusive homes often learn that they cannot please others; that their actions are never met with approval. There is the classic guilt of those who’ve come of age in strict Catholic families. We are the hopeless sinners whose redemption comes after our death.

It is amazing to me how these systems become internalized in their victims. It happens without thought, like a switch routing current into preferred channels. In writing this I had hoped to stay away from the personal, but I can’t think of a better way to illustrate this. A typical example of this internalization is this (a fictionalization, but good representation of what happens in my head/home):

My wife tells me that she thinks I should move a rather unbalanced, heavy item from its current location to another place where it is more secure. We have a 2-year-old daughter and this is a reasonable request. However, I immediately begin to become aggressive and push back; maybe suggesting that she move it herself if she thinks it so much of an issue. This simple observation on her part might devolve into an argument.

There is no conscious or clear trigger to the anger and aggression in this instance. The routing of the current, in this case, is done as a self-protective measure. In an instant, I felt a threat. The perceived threat was the possible intimation that I was careless in placing that object there in the first place; that I could be responsible for harming my child. Of course, this was not my wife’s meaning or intention, but a fragile ego can make this interpretation in fractions of a second. If you have internalized a worldview wherein your actions often result in failure, believing that others think the same is easy.

My aggression in this scenario is a way to cloak vulnerability. I direct the blame away. If I allowed the perceived disapproval to exist, I would confirm my existence as a failure. The power this holds over me is amazing.

A few nights ago I had epiphany of sorts. A new personal paradigm was born: people have intrinsic value that exists apart from their actions. This is not to say that anything goes and that we should accept all behaviors. This means that we are each individuals with a soul or conscience or call-it-what-you-will and that is what makes us who we are. Actions should still be judged, but not in a vacuum. The key is that behaviors can be changed while our essence remains unchanged (simplified, but generally true).

This probably comes across as trite and obvious, but I think it is pretty profound for those who are healing from abuse or have internalized a view of self as unremitting failure.

I am interested in hearing from others who have dealt with the same or engaged the same thought process. Feel free to contact me or write a comment here.

Let me explain our reasoning:

Syringe plunging into a vaccine bottle

1. Several vaccines still contain Thimerosal as a presevative. Thimerosal contains mercury and may have adverse effects on a child’s development. It is because of this that it is banned in 70 countries (just not the US). The new H1N1 vaccine will include it.
2. Most of the illnesses that children are vaccinated against are not life threatening. Some have the potential to cause long-lasting, severe, health problems, but these complications are generally very rare.
3. Long term effects of vaccines are not fully known.
4. Now we can add adjuvants to the list…

I know that there are good arguments for vaccines, as well. The best articulated one is that vaccines have virtually wiped out some major illnesses here in the States. Polio is often given as the example.

While I am sure that vaccines have had a tremendous effect there, I don’t know if they are the only cause. Can’t overall health of the population account for some of that? Changes in diet? Improvements in medical care overall?

Ruby’s first pediatrician was rather unhappy with our decision. She was adamant that the shots were necessary and that any threats to her health were greatly exaggerated.

I imagine many doctors feel defensive in the presence of parents who make the same decision. This way of thinking challenges a great orthodoxy in modern medicine. Professionals are very protective over standard practice; that which they have ingested and internalized since they began their studies.

Western medical practice and ethics seem to mandate that we address any possible future ill effects in the present. For example, mumps potentially causing infertility in males. Parents and providers are so concerned about a one in a million chance of permanent damage from illness that they rush to treatment/prevention – consequences of that be damned!

Could it be that we are promoting worse outcomes? We have all heard speculation that Thimerosal is responsible for the increase in incidences of autism over the last twenty or so years. I know that many disagree that this is the case, e.g. the CDC, but I don’t think it’s safe to rule out completely – given the strong correlation.

In the end, it just comes down to doing the best for my daughter. I understand that there are bigger issues of public health to consider, but my greatest responsibility is for the health of my child. There is indeed a stronger risk that she will contract mumps or measles and the like. It is highly unlikely, however, that she would suffer permanent ill effects from one of those illnesses.

Exposing her to low levels of mercury and those crazy adjuvants, though, is likely to have some effect on that growing brain and body. It’s a risk we’ve elected not to take.

What to all of you think? Feel free to start a debate in the comments section.

EDIT: Childhood vaccines no longer include thimerosal in the States. Please read the comments for a continued discussion and updated information.

The film takes place in 1983 and does a wonderful job of evoking the time. It opens with a video montage showing clips of archetypical 80s events and objects: the Rubik’s Cube,  8-bit video games, the royal wedding, scenes from the Falklands War. There is a building that we see quite often throughout the movie with “Maggie’s a Twat” spraypainted on it in large, uneven letters.

That certainly was a powerful reminder of that time. What villians were in power! Both Maggie and our dear RWR had such a strong polarizing effect on people. For those of us strongly on the left, they were the people that we loved to hate. For all of their smarmy charm, both of them were butchers of men and caterers to the wealthy elite. Both had their questionable wars, Grenada and the Falklands, and both began the gutting of social programs.

It was a crazy time to be an adolescent. As all young people, we were just discovering ourselves and attempting to assert our individuality and independence. The events around us, with nuclear war always seeming to be around the corner, gave us a certain sense of powerlessness – knowing that we might be annihilated at any moment. That probably seems a bit like hyperbole, especially to those too young to remember the time, but it really isn’t. Ronald Reagan, in a famous incident, said the following during a sound check before his weekly radio address, “My fellow Americans, I’m pleased to tell you today that I’ve signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.” [Wikipedia] Reagan thought it a good joke. Some of us, to borrow the Queen’s phrase, we were “not amused”.

"This is England" cast

It is in this milieu that punk rock really came of age. It gave those of us without a strong voice a way to channel our anger and fear into something larger. We joined a tribe and screamed loudly over the din of screeching guitars that we wouldn’t take it any longer. There was tremendous appeal in it. It is this appeal that lures the protagonist of “This is England” into his new circle of skinhead friends.

Shaun, a ten-year-old boy, befriends a motley group of skins. These are not nationalist skins, but a loose group of revival skinheads that seemed more interested in companionship and the strength of the group than in politics. Shaun finds refuge from the relentless teasing at school and the loneliness and sadness he feels after his father’s death in the Falkland War. He becomes close with the leader of the gang, Woody.

The happy little group is fractured, however, when Woody’s friend Combo gets out of prison a changed man. Combo is a fierce, crazy bastard, played by Stephen Graham (who is excellent). In the pivotal moment of the film, Combo exhorts the members of Woody’s group to join him in fighting for the “true England” and join the National Front. Some members join him, including young Shaun. It all goes to hell from there.

While the movie doesn’t entirely hang together for me, the acting is excellent from the talented ensemble cast. It may be that the group of characters was a little large, given the scope of the action, such that many characters lacked depth. Shaun and Combo are the exceptions, as the audience really gets a good sense of what motivates and contributes to the vulnerable and angry spirit in each of them.

It is certainly good watching for those of us who remember the time and knew something of the subculture. For another good film which explores powerlessness and poverty in young men, check out Scum, starring a young Ray Winstone. That is a powerful, disturbing film.

A diaper in the rearview mirror

Those who are parents of toddlers and infants in diapers will appreciate that there are some truly shitty days. Two nights ago I made a salad that included loads of garlic, white beans, greens, artichoke hearts and herbs. This may be the last time I will feed beans to my child.

The first poop was unleashed in the bathtub, which has become a favorite place to do the deed. My wife took care of that while Ruby meandered from the tub and took a spill from her slick feet and smashed her head on the floor. Tears and ice cream followed.

The second fecal bomb was placed in her diaper, but was wet enough to leak out all over her leg and onto our living room rug. I thought the brown substance caked to her leg might be chocolate cookie from the ice cream sandwich, but found out differently when I ran my finger through the icky goo.

Beans are now verboten!

These incidents did awaken a deep sympathy for the toddlers of this world. Even the relatively privileged, like my Ruby, have countless stresses to cope with. The world is only starting to make some sense, but it is relentless in its production of stimulus. Many falls, heads battered, so many refusals, much that is arbitrary and unexplained. And, oh, the endless production of poop!

Last night I was talking with my friend Jon while his children decided it was a good idea to play with chemicals from the garage (I’m assuming pesticides and the like). After that, my travails with beans did not seem so bad, after all.

Jason and Jeanine on "So You Think You Can Dance?"

My wife and I have been watching “So You Think You Can Dance?” for the past two seasons and think it’s brilliant television. There are at least a couple of things that really set it apart from the other “reality shows”.

First, it isn’t sensationalistic. The contestants don’t become the whipping boys and girls of the judges, but are treated very respectfully with a constructive approach. This isn’t to say that it isn’t sensational, however. It is definitely that!

Second, the choreography and dance styles don’t pander to popular tastes, necessarily. Many dance styles are explored, from hip hop to ballet to ballroom to contemporary. The choreography is excellent for the most part and by the latter part of the season, the dancers really live up to it.

Tonight was a very memorable show, with Melissa and Ade doing a piece about a breast cancer survivor and her supportive, loving friend. Nigel, the most stuffy and unemotive of the judges, was nearly in tears at the end and the others were visibly weeping. The performance was exceptional and the piece was beautiful and heart rending. Amazing.

It will be agonizing to see any of these last eight leave the show, although I suspect that Evan will be one of them. I have no clue which of the women will be shown the door. I will hate seeing any of the dancers go.

How about you? Any of you out there fans? What draws you to the show?