Gag is Health

Index of Gag Is Health

2010-02-21T02:00:00.000-08:00

Index of Gag Is Health

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2010-02-21T01:49:00.000-08:00

Subject: Foreign mistranslations.

In a Belgrade elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

A doctor's office in Rome:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here & spend the afternoon having a good time.

On a menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beer soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

A Finnish hotel's instructions in case of fire:
If you are unable to leave your room, expose yourself in the window.

Ad for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride your own ass?

In a Czech tourist agency:
Take one of our horse driven tours---we guarantee no miscarriages.

Car rental brochure in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

A temple in Bangkok:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed like a man.

In a Bangkok cleaners:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

In a hotel in Yugoslavia:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk

«Index of Gag Is Health

«0008 jokes

Jokes

2010-02-21T01:39:00.000-08:00

TWO WOMEN TALKING:

Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy?

Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine.

Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

NOW TWO MEN TALKING

Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yeah.

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«0007 jokes

»0009 jokes

Jokes

2010-02-21T01:11:00.000-08:00

Men:

All men are extremely busy.
Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
Although they don't really care for them, they always have one Around.
Although they always have one around them, they always try their Luck with others.
Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off If the women leaves them.
Although the women leaves them they still don't learn from their Mistakes and still try their luck with others.

Women:

The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive Clothes.
Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something To wear.
Although they never have something to wear, they always dress Beautifully.
Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "An old rag".
Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still Expect you to compliment them.
Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't Believe you

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«0006 jokes

»0008 jokes

Jokes

2010-02-21T00:30:00.000-08:00

The Head of the monastery for males meets the Head of the monastery for females:

- Yesterday your monks managed to penetrate to the nuns of our monastery!

- Oh! So what have they done?

- Nothing, but the fact…

- Nothing? So these were not our monks!

The major of the army, came home and saw his wife with a lover, who was his sergeant. He took out a pistol and ordered the guy to follow him.

When they came out the major said, “Let’s make it clear, who out of us she really loves. I will shoot twice and we both will fall down. The one to whom she will rush first will remain with her”.

The wife heard two shots, looked out of the window and shouted, “John, come in! Those two stupid men killed each other!”

The boy of class I walks in the corridor to and fro repeating, “Where is the logic?”

The Director saw him and asked what had happened. The boy said, “I farted in class and my teacher threw me out… and all of them have remained… Where is the logic?”

There are two ways to manipulate with the women…but no one knows them.

- What is the top of optimism?

- It’s when two gays buy the child’s carriage.

A man is buying the condoms. He is asked which size he needs. He doesn’t know his size. The salesgirl said, “Go behind the curtain, there is a table over there with holes in it and sizes written over them, check which one matches your penis, and you will know the size”.

5 minutes passed, 10, 20… then the voice from behind the curtain, “Miss, what is the price of this table?”

Husband and wife are taking dinner. Wife:

- Do you remember when 9 months ago you took leave and went for 2 weeks for fishing?

- Yes, I do…

- Today that fish telephoned and informed me that you became a father!

So you are planning to marry my daughter. Are you sure that you are able to give her whatever she wants?

-Sure! She all the time says that she wants only me!

- Do you love children?

- No! But the process…

The secretary to her chief:

- I have two news for you, a good and a bad. Which one should I start with?

- With the good one, of course!

- It is now evident, Sir that both of us do not suffer from infertility…

- I have a good news daughter, your boyfriend asked my permission to marry you.

- Oh, papa, but I don’t want to live without my mama!

- Of course you can’t daughter, take her with you!

Two flowers:

- Do you love me?

- Oh, yes! Do you love me?

- Oh yes! Where are these bees???!!!

At doctor’s:

- You know, doctor, I can’t make love with my wife as often as before. It seems to me that it’s not normal and it should be more often.

- Oh! When did you have sex last time?

- Just a minute, I will ask my wife.

- Sara, when did we have sex last time?

- …and who is this?

A young beautiful girl comes to the shop:

- What is the price of this cloth?

- Not costly at all! One kiss for one meter!

- Really it’s not costly! I will take 8 m, this is my address, my granny will pay to you.

- Hello, dear. Would you marry me?

- Are you serious?

- Yes, I am.

- It’s a serious question, I can’t decide right now! Call to me after 5 minutes.

Driving her car Lucy again ran over the man.

Angry man said:

-You have hit me again! Just yesterday you ran me over and now again!

- Oh, I am sorry, I have not recognized you!

My husband is always so lucky! Just yesterday he has got health insurance and today a brick fell on his head!

During a lesson a teacher explained importance of cleaning teeth before going to bed. Then she asked question for summarizing the lesson:

- What do you do before sleeping, Mary?

- I clean my teeth!

- Good! What do you do before sleeping John?

- I smoke a cigarette.

- Oh! How can you? And what about your parents?

- You know yourself, Miss, what they do, but is it a question for a pupil of class I?

- Doc, what about drinking?

- Damn! What are you talking about – DRINKING!!!

- I just… for future…

- Damn! What kind of FUTURE!

After jumping with parachute a student comes to the instructor:

- Write down in my card – 2 parachute jumps.

- Why 2? You have only one jump!

- Yes, but it was the first and the last one.

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» 0007 jokes

Jokes

2010-02-20T23:39:00.000-08:00

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shaking made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

A man wants to repair his clock. He could not find the clock repair shop for a long time, then at last he saw the big clock over the door, happily he came in and showed his clock to the man sitting at the table.

- We do not repair clocks.

- So what do you do?

- Circumcision.

- Why do you have that clock hung over the door then?

- And… what would you like us to hang over there?

Sound from a megaphone of the traffic police car:

- The driver of a tram, immediately turn to a roadside and stop!

- Defendant, explain to the judge why you have killed your wife, instead of killing her lover?

- I decided, your honour, that it’s wiser to kill one woman one time, than every week to kill a man...

A drunk man in the street:

- Excuse me, where is here the opposite side?

- Cross the road here and you’ll be on the opposite side…

- Shit, and over there they also told me to cross the road…

Lecture in the medical College. The lecture hall is almost empty. In the end of the lesson the Professor said,

- Tomorrow I will tell you the best of all known contraceptives.

On the next day the auditorium was full, some students had to sit on the floor as there were no seats left.

The professor started:

- The best contraceptive known by science is a glass of tomato juice.

Silence in the hall. Then the bravest girl-student asked:

- Excuse me, Sir, should it be taken before… or after…?

- Instead! - was the answer.

- Do you remember your first teacher?

- My first wasn’t a teacher, she was a nurse…

- So many problems with this marriage! You see the bridegroom’s parent want them to have a simple registration, parents of the bride want them to do it in church…

- And what does the bridegroom want?

- He doesn’t want to marry at all!

Professor came home and found out his wife with his student. Seeing him the student jumped up somehow put on cloths and ran away. Professorsadly,

- What are the youths these days! No greeting to me, no thanks to you, not good bye to both of us!

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» 0006 jokes

mjoke

2009-12-15T22:51:00.000-08:00

Military Jokes

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?

" The tower responded, "Who is calling?

" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference... If it is a commercial flight, it is 3 o'clock . If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. "Yours is."

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.
Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
"Soldier: "Sure, buddy.
"Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
"Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
"Soldier: "No, SIR!"

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?

A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?

A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!

What a talent!

2009-11-01T01:15:00.000-07:00

What a talent!

Now we offer you the epigrams of Irish playwright, Oscar Wilde for a change. Some of his witty observations will be familiar to you but they are just as amusing the second time around. Others, I hope you will be discovering for the first time. So forget about the job and the mortgage and relax with us!

"Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."

"If one always tells the truth one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out."
"Work is the enemy of the drinking class."

"I often have long conversations all by myself, and I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."

"I sometimes think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability."

"Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success."

"To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune, to lose both looks like carelessness."
"I can resist everything except temptation."

"It is only the shallow people who do not judge by appearances."

Like most writers, Wilde was not averse to appropriating witticisms from others, but to his credit, his revised versions were better than the originals. Upon hearing a clever remark at a social gathering, Wilde whispered to his companion: "I wish I had said that." To which his friend replied: "You will, Oscar, you will."

"The book of life begins with a man and a woman in a garden. It ends with Revelations."

"A man’s face is his autobiography. A woman’s face is her work of fiction."

"A woman begins by resisting a man’s advances and ends by blocking his retreat."

"Women are to be loved, not understood."

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."

"The proper basis for marriage is a mutual misunderstanding."

"The only difference between a caprice and a lifelong passion is that the caprice lasts a little longer."

In 1882, Oscar Wilde made an extended lecture tour of America. Upon arrival in New York, he gave this famous response to a customs officer’s question: "I have nothing to declare except my genius."

"We have really everything in common with America, except, of course, language."

"America was discovered several times before Columbus but it had always been hushed up."

"It is an error to suppose that America was discovered. It was merely detected."

During his tour of America, Wilde was taken to see Niagara Falls. Unimpressed, he remarked; "This must be the second biggest disappointment for a new bride."

"America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between."

"In America, the President reigns for four years, and Journalism governs forever."

(A brief digression. Among the people Oscar Wilde expressed an interest in meeting while in America was former Confederate president Jefferson Davis. During his tour of the Southern states, Wilde was an overnight guest of Jefferson Davis at Beauvoir. In the discussions between the two men, Wilde was struck by the similarity between the Southern Confederacy and Ireland: both had fought to attain self-rule and both had lost. This prompted him to say; "The principles for which Jefferson Davis and the South went to war cannot suffer defeat.")

"The form of government that is most suitable to the artist is no government at all."

"If there was less sympathy in the world, there would be less trouble in the world."

I cannot read Wilde’s comments on history and historians without thinking of some of today’s revisionists.

"To give an accurate description of what has never occurred is the proper occupation of the historian."

"History never repeats itself. The historians repeat each other."

"Always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them so much."

"To win back my youth there is nothing I wouldn’t do except take exercise, get up early, or be a useful member of the community."

"Young men want to be faithful and are not, old men want to be faithless and cannot."

"It is what you read when you don’t have to that determines what you will be when you can’t help it."

In his final years, Oscar Wilde experienced social and financial decline. But he did not lose his sense of humor. As he lay on his deathbed, his last wish was to taste again an expensive brand of champagne he had once enjoyed but could no longer afford. As Wilde watched the costly wine being poured into a glass, his last words were reported to be: "I might have known. I am dying beyond my means."

I hope Wilde’s quips have helped brighten the ending of this anxious year. And, although 2003 will also begin on an apprehensive note, you should resist the defeatism of the herd. Remember the words of Oscar Wilde: "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."

«Index of Gag Is Health

» Do you know why?

Do you know why?

2009-11-01T01:14:00.000-07:00

Do you know why?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough to pay it?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Did you ever stop and wonder......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?

They're both dogs ! If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on.......

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

«What a talent!

«Index of Gag Is Health

Jokes

2009-10-10T23:59:00.000-07:00

England. London. Two American tourists’ women are standing on the square. One of them is telling to the other one with a voice full of disappointment and frustration:
- Oh… I didn’t know that Big Ben is a clock…

Director of the factory checking the report asks his secretary,
- How many zeros are in one million?
- Six!
- And in half million?
- Three!

Husband and wife went to bed. Husband:
- So what, let’s sleep?
- First “so what” and then sleep!

Completely drunk anesthesiologist comes into operation theatre and tries to make anesthesiology to the patien:
- Doctor! You are drunk!
- I am drunk? AM I? You haven’t seen yet the surgeon!

Restaurant. Angry customer,
- Do you think I an going to eat this shit? Call your manager!
- It’s useless, Sir. He also will not eat this!

A drunk man wants to get to the hotel. He took a taxi. During the way a driver saw that he is taking off his clothes.
- What’s happened to you! You are not yet in the hotel.
- WWWhat? Couldn’t you say this to me before? I have just taken off my shoes before the door…

The question to a French man:
- Do you like children?
- …No… But the process…

- What is higher than love?
- Navel…

A soldier and the lieutenant:
- Sir, your order is fulfilled, Sir!
- But I didn’t give any order…
- Sir, I haven’t done anything, Sir!

A lecture about harm of the alcohol.
Except destroying your health, alcohol may destroy your life. There were so many cases registered when wife left her husband because he drank too much!
A voice from the hall,
- And how much one should drink for that?

- Papa , I decided to marry.
- Good, sonny, but remember family replaces everything. That is why before marrying think over what is more important for you everything or marriage.

During interview a client is asked questions:
- Marital status?
- Unbearable.

A man meets his friend who keeps his hand over his chick.
- What’s happened?
- Doctor extracted my two teeth.
- But in the morning you told me you have problem with one tooth?
- Yes, but the doctor didn’t have a change…

The wife to her husband:
- I could not imagine that Mr. Somson is so much ill-mannered! Yesterday I talked to him about 10 minutes and he yawned about 5 times within this time!
- Dear, he did not yawn, he just tried to say something.

In the shop:
- Do you have an extension?
- Extension of what?

Somewhat drunk man feels a bald man's head and says, "Say, your head feels just like my wife's ass." The bald man feels his own head and says with a grin, "You know, you're right!"

The chef to his secretary:
- This letter is very important. Place it near your nail polish.

Son informs his father:
- Pa, I am going to get married.
- To whom?
- To Peter.
- But he is a boy!
- A boy???!!! He is 28 years old!

A boy asks,
- Mama, do all the tales start with “Once upon a time…”?
- No, sonny, sometimes they start with “Dear, today I have a meeting in my office and will come home late”.

Two friends met in the park.
- I have two women in the car, let’s go somewhere and have a good time with them.
- Do they look nice?
- All women look nice if you drink well!
His friend looked into the car:
- Oh no, I can’t drink that much!

- Is it possible to rape woman in the street?
- No, the passers-by will distract you giving their advice!

- Mama, why there is no hair on father’s head?
- Because he is clever and thinks much.
- Oh! Why then do you have so much hair?
- Stop talking and eat!

In the hotel of Muslim country:
- If you do not prove me that she is your wife, I will not be able to lodge you in one room.
- And if you prove me that she is not my wife I will be thankful to you till my last day!

In the café:
- Please, give me that cake.
- Ok, and into how many pieces should I cut it, into 12?
- Oh, no! Cut it into 4, I can’t eat so many!

Businessman asks his son:
- How are things in school, sonny?
- Excellent! The contract with class 5 is extended for one more year!

- Could you lend your friend $100?
- Of course, I could, but I don’t have friends!

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» 0002 jokes

Jokes

2009-10-10T23:58:00.000-07:00

The truck ran into the horse cart. The truck ran away, the horse was lying on the road in agony and the cart driver was thrown into bushes. Police arrived, seeing the horse in death agony, policeman took out his pistol and shot into the horse ear. The horse stopped moving. Then he saw the man lying in the bushes, “How are you feeling?” The driver jumped up, “ Don’t worry, Sir! I feel well, even better than before the accident”.

A Jew asks his rabbi,
- Can a Jew have sex with his wife during fast?
- Yes, replied Rabbi.
- And with someone’s wife?
- No!
- Why?
- It is written very clearly in Torah that during fast a Jew should not get pleasure.

A girl is going to celebrate her birthday. She asks her boyfriend,
- What will be your gift to me?
- I’ll f**k you.
- Insolent! And if I refuse?
- Then you will be without gift.

Doctor to the patient,
- You are losing your hearing. To slow down this process you should give up smoking, stop taking alcohol and stop having sex with different women.
- … All this is just to make my hearing a bit better?

- I love you! –the Englishmen say.
- Te amo… say the Spaniards.
- And only French silently do their work…

Two alpinists (climbers) are falling down into the abyss.
Pessimist:
- Falling!
Optimist:
- Flying!

-Imagine that your computer has broken! What are you going to do?
No, TV also broke – such things happen in the life…What would you do?
Suppose you don’t have either wife or a girlfriend! And you don’t have money to go somewhere to pick one. Then? What would you do then?
No, you can’t buy beer or whisky – I said you don’t have money!
Yes, all your friends are busy at that time! No, your radio is also out of order!
Oh! At last you understand how important role the books play in your life!

The man is dying:
- After my death you will give my car to the son.
- Better to daughter.
- No, to the son, I said!
- Much better to the daughter!
- Who of us is dying you or me?

- Waiter, why does this crawfish has one claw?
- He fought with another one while they were in the bowl.
- Give me the winner!

- Please, two tickets for me and my wife for a trip round Europe.
- In one or different cabins?
- If possible in different ships, please…

- Daughter, you have grown up already, it’s time to talk with you about sex.
- All right, papa. What would you like to know?

Two women met:
- You said you went to the theatre with your lover? What was on there?
- Tragicomedy! We met my husband! He was also with his lover…

- Chef, why aren’t you happy with your secretary? She guesses all of your desires!
- Yes, but she never fulfills them!

Husband comes home and sees his wife in bed with her lover.
Husband: What are you both doing here?
Wife to her lover, "Didn’t I tell you that he is stupid? "

School. Lesson of physics. Teacher:
- All matter shrinks when temperature decreases. Your examples, please.
- In winter days are shorter!

The wife has come from cemetery after burying her husband. As soon as she came back home her lover asked her to make love. She:
- How can you even think about it now! I am all grief!
- I understand, but we’ll do it slowly and sadly.

The sticker on the car: "Is there life after death? Steal it and you will know!”

- You have seen that a stranger was beating you mother in law, haven't you? Why didn’t you hurry for help?”
- For help? Help a stranger to beat my mother-in-law?!

- Forget about pain in joints! Forget about you headaches! forget your problems! Now you have got me, your sclerosis!

Have you heard, the Eifel Tower in Paris will disappear tomorrow?
Who shows the trick? Copperfield?
No, Bin Laden.

Who says men don't remember anniversaries
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years"."I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

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Jokes

2009-10-10T23:57:00.000-07:00

Doctor noticed the lice on the patient hair:

Do you know that you have lice?
Yes, I do.
What kind of treatment do you do in this regard?
Nothing, they are not ill!

Doctor, I have a terrible hair loss!
It’s because you have so much of tension!
But I have tension only because of hair loss!

Doctor, why did you tell me to show you my tongue? I am sitting with my tongue out quite for some time and you even did not look at my side?
It’s easier for me to study the history of your disease in silence.

I am afraid you should give up smoking, drinking and having sex…
But I am a man, doctor!
You may go on shaving…
A male patient came into the physician office. A lady doctor had a sore throat and could not talk, so she just whispered:
Take off your clothes.
And you? - Whispered patient in reply.
Hello, can I take an appointment to see a doctor?
Yes, you can, but the doctor doesn't have time for appointments for the coming six months.
Oh! And… how do the people know what problem they will have after 6 months?
I am sorry that I made you wait for me for so long.
It’s ok, just it’s pity you didn’t catch my disease on the earlier stage…
Do you smoke?
No.
Pity, otherwise I could advise to you to give it up, and promiss that you would feel better.
Breath... deeper... Now cough... You know, I don’t like your cough…
I am sorry, doc, but I don’t have another one…
These are the sleeping pills for 6 days.
But I don’t want to sleep for so long!

The woman looks into the door of the gynecologist:

Haven’t I left my underwear in here?
No!
Sorry. It means it’s at dantist’s!

Doctor, I have dreams in English language.
So what?
The problem is that I don’t know English at all!
What can I advise to you? Learn English!
After a month the doctor meets the same person and he looks very happy:
How do you do? Have you learnt English?
No, but I sleep with the girl-interperetor!
Doctor, what should I use if I have a splitting headache?
Glue.

Mother and her very beautifull daughter come into the doctor’s office:

Take off your clothes, I'll check your chest, said the doctor looking at the girl.
My daughter is all right, it’s I am who is sick.
Oh, then show me your tongue.
A boxer complains for insomnia.
It’s very easy, just start counting 1,2,3,4..
It won't work, doc. When it comes to 9 I just jump up!
Do you have a good night sleep?
Yes, it's wonderful!
What do you do?
I am a night guard.
I think you have a better cough today.
Sure, I have been practicing the whole night.
I have a terrible pain in my right leg.
What is your age?
I am 65.
So it’s just an age…
But my left leg is as old as my right one.

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Jokes

2009-10-10T23:56:00.000-07:00

- Dear, I have to tell you that I have a very serious problem in my office.
- Love, never say "I", say "we" as I am sharing all the problems with you!
- Ok, dear, WE have a very serious problem at OUR office, as OUR secretary got pregnant from US.

- Why are you looking at me so attentively?
- Thinking : should I drink more or I already like you…

A man came to the bathroom, saw a shampoo “For strengthening and force…”, and used it as lubrication for … – just in case it helps…

A man comes to the banker: “I want to start a small business. What should I do?”
Banker: “Buy the large one and just wait…”

The woman has been taken by the police for having beaten her husband severely. She is asked to explain the matter.
Explanation:
First he called to my office and called me home urgently. Then he kissed me, took off my clothes, brought me to bed, caressed and then with an idiotic laughing he declared that today is the first of April!

Two pensioners are sitting in on the bench in the park. The girl wearing a mini-skirt passes by. One of them:
If I could be 18 years old now!
The second:
Are you crazy? To work for 40 years again just for 5 minutes of happiness!

A woman heard that there is a magician that can make her very young again. She paid a visit to her and that’s what she heard:
-Climb up on the tower and move the hands of Big Ben anti-clockwise; as many times as you make them round as many years will be cut off from your age.
The woman thought it was dangerous to climb up so high and sent her husband to do the work for her… He rounded and rounded the hands of the clock without stopping, then heard the child’s voice from down:
-Stop it already! Come down!
- No, dear, no! I will drive you back into ... and then will make your mother to make abortion!

The advertisement of GILLET assures that it has lubricating strip and swinging head. To add to this it also vibrates! Excuse me, are you sure it is a razor?

Secret of success in life depends on your honesty and decency. If you do not possess both of these qualities your success is guaranteed.

Wife to the husband:
Dear, as you advised to me, I talked to our daughter about love and sex, as she soon will be 15.
So, how was it?
It was so great! I am just eager to try everything she told me about!

A man with an extremely beautiful girl came into the costliest fur shop. “Show the dame the costliest fur coat that you have,” he said. The salesman brought the coat and said, “Its cost is $85 000”. “Doesn’t matter! Have my cheque !” The salesman said, “We will send the coat to you on Monday after verification of your account as it’s too late today and banks are closed.”
On Monday the same man came to the shop again. The salesman got angry,
"How d'you dare to appear here again? You haven’t got anything on your account!"
"I know this. I just have come to thank you for the best weekend I have ever had!"

Father, how much money one needs to marry?
I don’t know exactly, my son, I am still paying.

The father of a girl noticed that her belly is growing and asked her boyfriend, “Are you planning to marry my daughter?” The boy said, “Oh! It means I have a choice?!”

Interview for the position of Vice Director of a renown company:
Imagine that you drive a two-seat car and see three people on the road asking for a drop. They are: your Boss, an old woman and a young beautiful girl. What would you do?
The candidate who has got the position gave the following answer:
I will come out from the car, will hand over the keys to my Boss and ask him to drop the old woman. And I will take care of the girl.

Have the tablets, I prescribed you last week, helped your husband?
Yes, doctor. As you advised to me, I added them into his salad and he got immediately so much excited that he made love to me just on the table!
So, are you satisfied now?
Yes, I am, but we don’t go to that restaurant any more.

I am so sorry, I drove over your cat. I am ready to pay for it or exchange!
Exchange, you said? Can you catch mice?

The doctor to the patient:

Do you smoke?
Yes!
Do you drink?
Yes!
So what else do you want if you don’t care about your health?
Woman!

At doctor's office:

I couldn’t find anything wrong with you! You are absolutely healthy!
And if I tell you my diagnosis will you share with me your fees?

Spermatozoa are very smart and quick creatures. If you don’t take a proper care of them then within no time one of them will be sitting on your lap…

The girl is sitting in the chair of a dentist with open mouth and he works on her tooth. Her mobile rings and she passes it to the doctor. He says:
- Sorry, her mouth is busy now, let me finish and then she will call you back.

-What is the difference between a man and a child?
- Almost no difference, but you can’t leave a man with the governess alone…

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