GALAXY OF JOKES

VOTING FOR HILLARY CLINTON

2008-12-17T01:17:00.000-08:00

The thing is, whenever I see Hillary Clinton, I feel like I have to vote for her. She makes me feel guilty because I feel like I should vote for her so that she'll feel better about herself because she'd been in such a bad marriage.

PLAYBOY FOR MARRIED MEN

2008-12-17T01:16:00.000-08:00

Someone told my husband and I that there's a new Playboy for married men -- and it has the same centerfold every month.

PATERNITY TEST

2008-12-17T01:15:00.002-08:00

I got kids -- got three kids: two of them mine, one of them don't look like me. I was gonna get a blood test, but that costs $2500. I said I'll wait 'til he falls down and cuts himself.

IF LOVE WAS EASY

2008-12-17T01:15:00.001-08:00

If love was easy, there would be almost no music.

TWO REASONS I LIKE BEING MARRIED

2008-12-17T01:14:00.001-08:00

I like being married for two reasons: 1) I got really tired of dating, and 2) I got really tired of exercising.

MARRIAGE FAVORS MEN

2008-12-17T01:13:00.000-08:00

Marriage is clearly an institution that favors men. It's a statistical fact that, on average, women who never get married live longer than women who do, but men who never get married don't live as long as men who do. That's why we buy women the engagement ring. It's a form of compensation: 'Here, this is for the life that I'm about to suck out of you.'

BROKEN HOME

2008-12-17T01:12:00.000-08:00

I come from a broken home. I don't blame my father for leaving 'cause I'm gonna move out soon myself.

CLINTON-LEWINSKY SCANDAL

2008-12-17T01:10:00.000-08:00

I would like to be able to watch the evening news with my family and not have to explain what oral sex means to my wife.

MY WIFE'S SHOPPING SKILLS

2008-12-17T01:09:00.002-08:00

She took my son to Costco, bought 14 pounds of Oreos -- saved us money somehow. I don't know how. The coupon queen worked that out.

CHANGE OF HEART

2008-12-17T01:09:00.001-08:00

She has a change of heart. She goes, 'OK, I'll have a three-way -- you, me and another girl -- but afterwards, you better seriously consider proposing to me.' So I said alright, sounded fair. So we had the three-way, and like a month later, she goes, 'Hey, aren't you gonna pop the question?' And I said, 'Hey, I gotta be honest with you. I'm not that comfortable marrying a lesbian.'

ON RENTING PORN

2008-12-17T01:08:00.001-08:00

I'm a 31-year-old, college-educated, married man in need of a sexual outlet 'cause my wife is out of town, or she's working late, or she's in the other room reading intently -- I don't care anymore.

MICHAEL JORDAN EXCEPTION

2008-12-17T01:07:00.000-08:00

I always said if I ever get married, I would tell my woman -- I love Michael Jordan, I am a Michael Jordan fanatic -- I said, 'Michael Jordan is the only athlete you can sleep with and I wouldn't get mad, as long as you got something signed. You gotta bring back a ball, a hat or something. You can't just give away that sh*t for free.'

MAD AT KOBE BRYANT

2008-12-17T01:05:00.000-08:00

You know who's mad at Kobe? Every other player in the NBA. You know why? 'Cause he messed around on his wife and bought her a $4 million ring. Yeah, you know what that means: that's the new minimum. 'Cause you know how women are, man. Women get upset: 'Oh, really, what's this? A $1 million ring? What -- did that bitch get my $3 million, too?'

FENG SHUI

2008-12-17T01:04:00.000-08:00

Ever hear about this feng shui? It's an ancient Chinese word which means 'Put your husband's crap in the garage.'

GAY MARRIAGE AMENDMENT

2008-12-17T01:03:00.000-08:00

I think you need to create a situation where all these homophobes in Congress think that the gay marriage amendment is gonna work for them. 'Cause really, here's what happens -- when your Rick Santorums and your Tom DeLays and every other kook-bag that's in there hears the words 'gay marriage,' they draw a mental image of two men having sex everywhere: front lawns, nursery school parking lots, it doesn't matter where... They can't stand it -- because you know if they picture two women having sex, it would already be in the Constitution.

RENTING ADULT VIDEO

2008-12-17T01:02:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, me and my wife, we'll rent an adult video 'cause we grown. We have pretty much paid our dues. And don't act like it's just us 'cause it's a billion dollar industry, so I know it ain't just me renting tapes 'cause I ain't got that kind of money. Other people are participating in this.

GREAT THING ABOUT MARRIAGE

2008-12-17T01:01:00.000-08:00

You know what's great about being married? When dessert comes, you just shove it in your pie hole and you move on to the Promised Land. You just look at each other -- we're going to get fat and we're still going to have sex.

CHELSEA HANDLER:: BRIDE'S MAID

2008-12-17T00:56:00.000-08:00

We spend so much money on these dresses that are terrible. And what do we get out of it? Nothing -- a piece of chicken and a roll in the hay with her hillbilly cousin -- no thank you. My family's very close; I can do that at home.

NICK DIPIALO: WHY I GOT MARRIED

2008-12-17T00:54:00.000-08:00

I was single. I was thinking, you know, my nuts are empty and my wallet's full. How can I reverse these two things?

HOWARD KREMER: WEDDING COLORS

2008-12-17T00:45:00.000-08:00

My sister got married recently. She got married. It was great, but the entire bridal party was dressed in brown. It looked more like a shift meeting at UPS: 'Do you promise to get this package there overnight?' 'I do.'

SUNDAY SCHOOL

2008-08-12T06:26:00.000-07:00

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

BOZO'S BIG BEAUTIFUL ASS

2008-08-12T06:25:00.000-07:00

There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had was a female donkey. One day he wins the lottery and gets $50,000. He doesn't know what to do with his money, so he decides to spend a night in a five star hotel. He asks for the finest room and starts going up the stairs with his female donkey. The manager sees him and asks where he's going with his donkey.
"Anywhere I go, she goes."
"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you can't take the donkey upstairs. Leave it down here with us and we'll take good care of her." So Bozo goes up to his room and opens the door. Everything is made of gold, there is a table full of food, and a huge television. He doesn't want to ruin anything so he takes his raggedy coat off and sleeps on the floor. The next morning the manager comes up to the room and asks how his night was.
''Great!'' replied Bozo. ''How much do I have to pay?'' he asks.
''One thousand dollars for the food.''
''But I haven't touched the food."
''It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand dollars for the TV."
''But I didn't even know how to turn the damn thing on!''
''It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for sleeping on the bed."
''But I slept on the floor!''
''It was there. Your total is eight thousand dollars."
''You owe me ten thousand dollars for screwing my donkey.''
''But sir, I didn't screw your donkey.''
''It was there. You should have!''

CARTWHEELING FOR CASH

2008-08-12T06:23:00.000-07:00

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!"

The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.

The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.

The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."

''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.

The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"

The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."

The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...''

Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''

PHARMACIST PHUN

2008-08-12T06:21:00.000-07:00

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

HIRED HELP

2008-08-12T06:17:00.000-07:00

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.

The guy says, ''Who is this?''

''This is the maid,'' answers the woman.

''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.

The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''

The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''

The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.''

The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''

The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''

The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''

The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.

The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''

The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''

Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''

A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?''