Gambling and Hatred for Everything That Isn't Me

Finding my Problem

2012-01-26T01:08:00.000-05:00

I finally discovered what my problem was. After the year ended and the 2011 shit show was over I told myself I'm going to make a conscious effort to perceive things differently. I was going to focus on the aspect that I couldn't change things, these were the cards I were dealt and I'd have to make the best out of it. This all lasted about 36 hours and after that I faked it. I started meditating, I started doing yoga, I hit the treadmill thinking all this crap will go away. Then I'm drinking watching UFC in my own home and 4 dudes show up trying to get in the house. It was a harsh reality I needed. I put the shit to home boy's neck and asked him if he was ready to die because I was....

I let the shithead go but that's when it hit me. FUCK POSITIVITY. It's friday night and I'm scrambling to keep these poor ass niggas from getting in my house like they're fucking Somali Pirates and I'm supposed to be positive. Nah fuck that. Fuck this meditation bullshit too I been eating and drinking whatever the fuck I want this week. I feel good on the treadmill so I stick with it but other than that FUCK ALL THE POSITIVE SHIT. I ain't the type to light scented candles and chant and pretend to feel better nah people who want positivity should watch 19 and Counting or Different Strokes and just fuck off. Life is a bad pussy. Stink, disgusting, gangrene type pussy that you're forced to fuck everyday. Then you look around and it appears everyone around you has good pussy so it makes you more mad. You keep thinking tomorrow the pussy will be better but it NEVER IS.

Unless you got kids who you've invested heavily in, there ain't nothing really great about life externally. You're forced to go to school for 8 hours a day for 17 years of your life learning a bunch of shit. Then you gotta go through more schooling to get a piece of paper. To get a good job that you really don't care for but do it out of a necessity. Then you get married, either you're happy or not, there's grey area with this one I can't really speak on it. While all this is going on, you're sleeping for 25 years, 1/3rd of your life. Plus you want to do bad things like fuck your girl's sister but you're constantly battling that faggot ass voice in your head telling you that you can't. Eventually you die and even though you had some great moments for the most part it was a whole bunch of nothing. Unless you like to drink and do drugs, then it's a different story. How the fuck are you supposed to be positive?

"I got friends and family" Nigga 95% of them don't really give a fuck about you. When it's all said and done you'll meet 10000000 people in your life and throughout your whole entire existence, MAYBE 10 gave a flying fuck about the person you are. Maybe. " I make good money" ya so you could buy more things you don't need. Ask Kobe Bryant, Tiger Woods, or lottery winners if they're intrinsically happy. Most of them will say no. Life's a padded room in preparation for something else out there. If more people were as negative as my twisted mind shit would get done. Could you imagine if EVERYONE attacked portions of life that they hated. Imagine family members of 9/11 victims standing out there demanding answers. Imagine if all students fed up with rising tuition rates decided to do something about it and just refused school. All undergraduates at all schools in the Manufacturing Belt decided to say FUCK SCHOOL. Positivity teaches us to cope and in return it gets nothing done. Negativity and hatred brings the reality out in every situation, if life were the way everyone portrayed it to be, we'd all be perfect. Negativity reminds us that we aren't perfect, SO FUCK you and your happy selves. I'm out.

Peace.

What Dudes Want in A Girlfriend

2012-01-23T00:44:00.000-05:00

I fucking hate everyone. Someone came through with some bruschetta today so I ate it. Now my stomach is on a course of its own. Fuck all y'all healthy faggots. I got drunk the other day while working and part of my job is freelance writing so I was doing some research and saw this: Stupid Ass Article

It was about why men are happy with their girlfriend and blah blah blah. Here's the real reason why men want a girlfriend, dont be fooled by those stupid magazines.

1) The Future

If there is no hope in hell of having some sort of future with you, an extended prison sentence I like to call it, then there's no fucking point in getting a girlfriend.

2) Sex on Demand.

The real reason dudes get girlfriends is basically for the random blowjob. You're having a good day, you're having a bad day, when it's all said and done all a dude wants to do is get blowed. Having someone there to constantly blow you goes a LONG way in life. Trust me men will do anything to get that girl to give him sex on demand.

3) Food

I know how to cook and I could hold my own but fuck I look like slaving in the kitchen when it's what you were born to do. Every dude wants a warm ass meal now and then, a meal that they didn't have to pay for and one where they don't have to make it themselves. Learn how to cook and you'll have a dude in no time.

4) Attention

A dude doesn't like attention, but now and then he needs it. He needs to feel significant. I don't know why really but trust me a dude likes to feel like the shit. Girls could make that happen. Other dudes complimenting dudes would just be gay so once again, make that dude feel like King Kong and you're good.

5) Understanding

A dude will never understand another dude, that's for the faggots. A chick might understand a guy. I saw might because as individuals we try to be as complicated as possible. If you could somehow "understand" a dude, you're in. I met 10000 people in my life and I could only think of 3 people that understand me, life's complicated.

6) To Kill the Boredom.

Fuck you going to do all day? Play ps3 and watch sports. Having a chick slices the boredom in half. You get sex, and hmmmmmmmm more sex.

7) We exploit females.

Don't get it confused ALL men exploit females. Nothing better than having a chick eating out your hand (while it lasts). It's that feeling that men want, to take advantage of someone manipulating them with power, control, and an ability to act like they don't give a fuck.

That's 7 reasons, I could do more but my stomach is FUCKED and then writing this blog I realized how I hate some people in my life LMAO so I'm trying to be nice. Y'all be safe and pray that I win the lottery so I don't have to keep pretending I want a job. I'm out, peace.

Why I Support SOPA

2012-01-19T01:12:00.000-05:00

Before I begin I had a "life" moment today where I just reflected. Few years ago I was on a first class flight to Ireland on the brink of a six figure deal with some people. Was happy but naive. Company gets sold, things fell apart, today I'm carrying a fucking faggot ass nightlight to shower so I don't smash into a wall. Been without 90% of the lights in the house because of some electrical issue and all of my shit's sparking and shit. I asked my parents if they're going to call an electrician, they said fuck it we're good, they'll deal with it in a few weeks. How life changes, one minute you're in a first class seat about to make the biggest move of your life, the next you're in complete darkness trying to wash your balls. Insane shit lmao.

So today I seen a big ass uproar over this SOPA/censorship bullshit that I still don't really understand but I don't really care to understand it. The entertainers etc. want to be taken care of and the government is using it as an excuse to censor the internet. This would essentially mean no shit like wikipedia, google, youtube, facebook etc. Granted, this will affect everybody in some fashion, is it really a fucking bad thing? Boo fucking whoo, they take away your facebook friends and you can't watch streams or google things anymore. It's the end of the fucking world. There wasn't ONE dickhead complaining about the NNDA bill which was passed on New Years Eve, when everyone was getting wasted. The NNDA is pretty much a bill that states the gov't could fuck with you for the sake of terrorism. Research it. So they took away your freedom (the freedom that has never existed) on December 31st but because twitter and wikipedia will potentially blow up, everyone is crying.

The world was better without the internet anyway. Sure it's an attempt by the government to gain more control but who the fuck really cares. When you think about it deeply, is google in anyway shape or form making your life better. Everybody is up in arms about freedom, you were never fucking free. 4 dudes with box cutters supposedly ran the planes into the towers. I'm 5'9 185, ain't no one stopping me with a fucking box cutter. I don't want to go saying shit without evidence but I advise you to look into things like the facts pertaining to 9/11, or even something local. The cops went and beat the shit out of an Autistic man until he died. They just got off here in Toronto. How fucking free are we? But when wikipedia goes down for a day everyone has their awareness in tune to these issues. Go to a fucking library and pick up a fucking book if you want something. I thought deeply about the internet, it gave me great shit, it gave me terrible shit. It is about 90% of my income at the moment but I'm looking to get out of the business anyway, so in all actuality the only thing I'd care about is sports streams and porn. Both of those things I bet I could find somewhere out there.

All these search engines, this reality we present for ourself, all it does is reduce who we are. We place our power, our strength, our lives in the cusp of a machine and then you take away the machine and people get rattled. Who cares if people lose their jobs, they're still fucking breathing. Who cares if you can't go on facebook and talk to someone you wouldn't give the time of day in "the real world." Everyone is so heavily invested in this shit, if it were to all disappear tomorrow I'd definitely be a different person but it would probably be for the better. Sensory deprivation (in small amounts is a fantastic thing) So let them fucking censor the internet, this forces us to be human again. It forces us to reach levels we are fully capable of, but lets be realistic this bill won't pass and tomorrow you'll get excited when you make a new facebook friend or see some stupid viral video on youtube. I'm out.

Peace.

The Game of Life (Part 2)

2012-01-18T00:50:00.000-05:00

I had a notebook with all this shit written down but this morning I got mad and ripped all that shit up. So now I'll have to try and remember this shit, here goes.

30-45 years: Here is a good place to be in your life if you know how to use things to your advantage. By this time you have every answer, to everything. Your intuition is on point. Here's the problem: love. Your ovaries and shit going away, those chemical changes are starting to take place. If you have no one, you're facing the fact that you'll spend the rest of your life as a miserable cunt because everyone good is taken (it's true by the way everyone good is taken) So you battle yourself. You rebel against yourself. You call it "midlife-crisis." There is no such thing. Truth is you're just getting older and those wrinkles are getting more visible and to be honest people stop giving a fuck about you. it isn't a crisis, you're just not as relevant as you once were. It's a natural life circle and every 7 years (scientific proof) you get a new group of friends, interests change blah blah blah. In essence if you have a significant other, you'll argue about dumb shit because you're battling yourself. If you have nobody then you either settle, or you continue living your life with extreme loneliness. Your kids are grown and shit at this point so you don't really give a fuck about them to be honest you're just living to enjoy the last of your good days. This is also the stage where you lie to yourself the most to cover up how much you hate who you really are, the one you discovered.

50-65 years old: Uh oh. That body isn't moving like it used to move. No more reverse cowboy. No more 9 pints and going again the next night. The mind starts to settle. This is a great time to be in your life once again only if your life was worth living. You got a few savings, you earned a few dollars, time to enjoy the finer things in life. Sure they will provide that "temporary high" but you're 55 years old. You accept who you are. You spent a lifetime seeking it, it's finally here. You know you. You accept the things you can't change, you try to make yourself better. The body goes through immense changes and you're well aware that the clock is ticking but you choose to forget about it, you're content. You breathe. You live.

65 years til death: You're either going to really enjoy this time, or really hate it. Fact is, 95 % people hate it and it turns out being the worst times. You'll HATE your kids, that's a guarantee. They are no longer the people you raised. They're grown, probably with kids. You're slower, you're no longer significant, you ARE no longer relevant. I don't care how many parties you attend, you could spend 23 hours a fucking day with friends and loved ones, your life doesn't really mean shit and you know it. You're now a shadow. You're miserable because you hate that feeling. No matter what, time is running out and you couldn't fit everything you wanted to fit into the journey of life. There are still things that bug you, things you got no choice but to go to your grave with. You hate everyone again but in a good way. You hate them for selfish reasons, which makes you feel good deep down. You hate them because they're in the spot light, and your dick doesn't even work. You kick up a fuss and a fight just to feel relevant again, it feels good. Then you're dead. Also a great thing and hopefully you found some spirituality.

That's life in a nutshell....we're all defendants in a trial of the self but you eventually discover this isn't a trial. Everyone is guilty by default. How we handle this prison sentence dictates who we become in another world, where nothing but the soul matters. I'm out.

Peace.

The Game of Life

2012-01-15T22:52:00.000-05:00

I'm really fucking tired right now, I ain't sleep since the Cowboys won the Superbowl but I had to put this blog out, so appreciate it. I wrote it in a forest at 5am in 2 feet of snow, in the middle of nowhere. What I'm about to say is not universal but applies to 95% of the world, even if I got the minor details wrong, I'm right.

Birth-6 years old: The best part of life. You know nothing, all you do is feel. You control everything, you're an impressionable human being with 2 parents who you view as God. There are no consequences to nothing you do and even if there are consequences, you really don't give a fuck about them because the world views you as "cute." You could do no wrong but at the same time everything you do is right.

11-19 years old: The "toughest part of your life. People will hate you but the truth is you're right. You have a reason as to why people tell you that you act like you "know everything." See here is what happened. From the moment you came out of your mom's box they loved you. But it goes beyond that, they were your God. You had no real conception about God, your parents were "special." Then there comes a day when you suddenly realize, fuck, these people are just like every other stupid fuck the world has to offer. You reach this stage and you look at your parents and realize that chances are, you're probably smarter than them when it comes to certain things and they misguided you. IT'S FUCKING TRUE. It's natural but true. From birth to about 6 years old, a kid could do no wrong. The parent is God. The parent is treated like God. Then comes this stage where everything falls apart. It was all a big fucking lie. You come to the realization that your mom was sucking 7 dicks in the high school boy's changeroom when she was your age, that's your fucking idol. You don't treat them like God anymore so your parents are mad, they don't treat you as special anymore so you're mad. This stage has unimaginable consequences if not handled the right way.

ages 20-30: This is the stage where things come together, but not the way you planned. First are the religious debates. Somewhere along the lines you start to wonder, why the fuck am I on earth? So maybe your parents instilled religion and you follow it. Then you got the atheists who say this is it and there's nothing else. Both fucking sides are like 55 year old menopausal women. The religion folks become elitists and start praying to be saved. The atheist folks laugh at those who have faith in religion in that same elitist perception. Why can't everyone believe whatever the fuck they want to believe, or don't believe in anything, and still get along? The answer is simple, neither side has any fucking answer but they both pretend they do for their own sake.

Another thing happens at this stage. You start to explore relationships. The truth is you WANT to be an individual, you want someone to cater to you, to meet your needs and wants, but only when it is convenient to you. When shit goes wrong, you want the world to feel your wrath, you'll be an individual until the cookie crumbles, then scream "why me."

Final thought is in this stage you know what you want, you just refuse to accept it. Within 50-250 minutes of meeting your future significant other, you start to formulate a question, is this person the one? YOU KNOW THE ANSWER you just refuse to accept it. It's why people often ask "how many people have you been with?" Regardless what the answer is unless you're blind, you fucking have that ballpark figure in your head. The mind does the answering for you, you just either apply it or you don't. So you try to fit a square into a circle, then when it doesn't fit you cry and get lonely. But you knew all along that the person wasn't the one, you just refused to accept it, because once again you're an INDIVIDUAL. You need to be above everyone else. You can't accept someone for who they are, or accept them for who they ain't. Instead you constantly try to mold, constantly either settle, or set high expectations, then it explodes right in front of your eyes and you act surprised. If it doesn't explode then it says that you listened to yourself....that you trusted that 50-250min. answer I just talked about and it's paying off for you. Even if the person changes later on, once you feel that purity, that intoxication of love, real love, nothing else matters. You want to know if you have real love? Ask the person you're with for their email password, and full access to their texts.....would you agree to that? Would you want them looking at your inbox/textmessages? No this isn't an invasion of privacy, it's a method of showing how true you are, to yourself. Real lovers are able to share those texts/emails because that love is so pure, nothing else matters. It transcends everything else. If you can't trust yourself to give your lover that email password (something so trivial) you think you trust them with your emotions???????

Alright I'll continue tomorrow...

I'm out. Peace.

We Deserve This World

2012-01-12T23:56:00.000-05:00

I joke a lot about "faggots" and things like that and will continue to joke but I'm fucking burning up tonight. This kid killed himself, another one. 15 years old, he was gay and simply couldn't take it anymore. At first when you think about it, you could quickly gloss over the situation assuming it's only one person but dig a little deeper and you'll find that suicide is the leading cause of death of people ages 10-22. So another one dies and the school system failed once again. They'll teach you how to read and write but if you're gay, or slightly disadvantaged, you're pretty much fucked. Like I said the last time I wrote a blog on this, I don't blame the kids, that's human nature. See I seen the link to the story and was cool, until someone addressed it as "good." In their own, fucked up, deprived mind, they thought it was good that a gay teen killed himself.

I'm trying to be nice so I won't get into it too much but the things people say reflect who they are. This is a motherfucking child. For starters, most children don't CHOOSE to be gay. If you seen a three year old male kid playing with barbies and you stop him the first dozen times but he keeps going at it, it's the way his fucking body/mind is made up. I'm no scientist so I got no idea how this shit works but this is something beyond a child saying "hey I choose to like other dudes because I can't get a girl." Man I don't want to get into it, another teen dead, the people in a position of power should be proud and pat themselves on the back. Another one they don't have to worry about. For the people who say it's "good " that he died, if the choice were mine I'd take your kids away and double your mortgage but I ain't got that kind of power so live however you want to, just don't live around me.

I'm glad for the kid who killed himself though. He's no longer in pain, he's no longer suffering, he no longer has to go to bed each night regretting that we woke up in the morning. An argument I always hear is "parents are raising their kids too soft in this day and age..." Oh? So hold up, in the 80s you had a fucking pedophile with one glove sing all sorts of shit but you let him go because he was the "King of Pop." You had Boy George, people didn't know if he had a dick or a pussy but he was fine. Andy Warhol revolutionized the world. It was fine then but because parents let their kids listen to Lady Gaga and look both ways before crossing the street it's THEIR FAULT? We always been this way. We just refuse to change.

That's why this world fucking sucks. That's why the government fucking owns everybody, and the bank gives it to you up the ass. That's why people get charged all sort of bullshit taxes. It's because people are too fucked up. They look at a CHILD dying and think "good" because he was gay, failing to accept the realization that he had no fucking choice in his orientation. I hope that 1% gains more power because the people I know deserve all the shit they get. Blame the economy, blame the governments, blame the world but until we as HUMANS decide to change the way we think and accept things that are really there, instead of what we think the world ought to be, we will always be powerless. We will always be filled with stress, depression, and sheep to a small group of people who eliminate our individuality and control us all. We're doing a fine job.

Jamie Hubley's last words:

"I hate being the only open gay guy in my school… It f***ing sucks, I really want to end it. Like all of it, I not getting better theres 3 more years of highschool left, Iv been on 4 different anti -depressants, none of them worked. I’v been depressed since january, How f***ing long is this going to last. People said “It gets better”. Its f***ing bull****. I go to see psychologist, What the f*** are they suppost to f***ing do? All I do is talk about problems, it doesnt make them dissapear?? I give up."

Im a casualty of love.

Well, Im tired of life really. Its so hard, Im sorry, I cant take it anymore.

First Id like to mention my friends Nancy, Abby, Colleen, jemma, and Kasia

Being sad is sad : /. I’v been like this for way to long. I cant stand school, I cant stand earth, I cant stand society, I cant stand the scars on my arms, I cant f***ing stand any f***ing thing.

I dont want my parents to think this is their fault either… I love my mom and dad : ) Its just too hard. I dont want to wait 3 more years, this hurts too much. How do you even know It will get better? Its not.

I hit rock f***ing bottom, fell through a crack, now im stuck.

My favorite singers were lady gaga , Adele , Katy perry, and Jessie james, Christina aguilara and most of all I think KASIA!!! I LOVED Singing, and she helped me a lot : ) Im not that good at it though :”/, Im going to miss you guys

(well You know who you are, But to the people who didnt like me (many) A big f*** you, Go ride a unicorn. But w/e I love you anyway.)

Remember me as a Unicorn :3 x) MAybe in my next life Il be a flying squirreel :D

See you in heaven nigga. I'm out, Peace.

I Need A Wife

2012-01-12T00:51:00.000-05:00

So let me explain to you what has happened. Over the holidays I went really crazy. Between the crap I did, the alcohol, the food, I needed a good detox. Now my boy told me there's this thing called "magnesium citrate" and basically it cleans you out. I'm thinking perfect so I hit the drug store with dude, buy a few bottles and come home. Before I took it though I checked on wikipedia "overdose could cause coma leading to a fatality." I'm like dude what the fuck, the bottle says only take a quarter of it. Home boy said "nooooooo you have to drink a bottle and a half" Who am I going to listen to? Doctors or a black dude without his highschool diploma? Of course the latter.

So I down a bottle and a half and the fireworks began. It's still going on for the record. I've had weird hallucinations, I've had heat flashes, my hands are freezing but the rest of my body is warm, I think I'm alright but this is the last straw. I'm sitting here devising a plan, I need to get married in 3-4 years. I am the most irresponsible fucker on the planet and while a lot of people get married for love, I'll do it for the tax benefits and some control in my life. I'm dead serious too, I've lived a good life, time to start the prison sentence by age 26-27, that's a good time. I'm out here dying cause uneducated fucks are guiding me. Chicks never steered me wrong in the past. Well they did but there were benefits to it all so here's what I need in a wife:

- enough money so I could drink Perrier water. I'm tired of bottled water and tap water. From now on I want to drink exclusively Perrier water. Economic stability means a lot to me because it provides me with freedom I need to be great, so you gotta have some cash ladies.

- Anti-social. The fewer the friends the better. I ain't one for big groups and shit nah fuck that trust me the less friends and shit you got, the better you cherish things about yourself and the ones you have.

- Know how to cook. Food is my life. Make it happen.

- A hot friend who we could fuck before we have kids. Realistic, no?

- Openess. I'm as open as they come because not being open has fucked me in the past. If our relationship ain't open then you'll be surprised when you find a random set of tits in my phone and I dunno who they came from. Openess.

-Head. I need head like 3x a day, non-negotiable unless you're mad at me, I'll reduce it to 2.

-Babysitter. Truth is I'm somewhat out of control and you have to have those babysitting qualities. Don't blame me lmao it ain't my fault.

-Same music tastes. If I come home and you're listening to "LMFAO" or "Pitbull" then I'm going to rip up all your clothes and throw your jewelry in the toilet.

-Honest. Truth is I'm not going to be honest at times, I'll lie because girls are insane and I don't want to deal with it. You can't do that though tell the truth and you'll realize it only benefited us

Now in return here's everything I'll give you, my future wife:

I won't cheat on you.

I'm out. Peace.

24 Hours to Live

2012-01-11T01:07:00.000-05:00

I'd wake up in the morning with a smile on my face, perhaps the biggest smile I've ever given to the world. I'd take my morning piss and write a personal goodbye to every one of my friends that have held me down. Only a few of them. I'd spend an hour writing a separate paper, a goodbye to the world. It would be something similar to Joe Bodolai's suicide note but more of a "fuck you" expect a lot hope for humanity at the end. I'd watch Under the Tuscan Sun with one of you, you know who you are. I got something like a shrink these days (don't ask) and I'd share a meal with her. Then I'd call one person in the world and spend the rest of the day with them. Doesn't have to be someone I know but I'd call this person. We'd eat Popeyes. Chinese Food. A Big Mac. I want the taste so I'd force myself to puke just so I could taste more food. Disgusting I know but so real.

I'd fuck this person non-stop and get head (I'm never going to reveal this person's name. It could be anyone from Selena Gomez to my 9th grade drama teacher). I'd get dope head. I'd read some poetry, while getting head. I'd take a shower, if I'm about to die I want to be clean. Black tee, black jeans, a fitted cap would be what I would wear. I'd leave a note for my parents, I wouldn't want them to say a goodbye if they know I had to go, I wouldn't want to feel their pain. I'm selfish like that. Oh, I'd try real butter. I've lived almost a quarter century and while I'm sure I've tried butter in food, I have no idea what it tastes like (I'm a margarine type of dude). I'd hit the strip club for 30 minutes just to witness a lapdance for the last time in my life. I'd watch an episode or two of The Office and definitely an episode of Phineas and Ferb. I'd make a will. I don't even know if it's legal, making a will in less than 24 hours but I'd try to do that.

I'd order 11 sides of fries, each from a different place and share them with the person I chose to spend my day with. She could deal with the consequences later lmao I'd be dead soon. I'd listen to some music, Styles P. Arcade Fire. Birdy. Lana. High Flying Birds. Biggie. Oasis. Ice Cube. Some Old School Jay-z, and maybe even a Selena Gomez song just for the fuck of it. I'd eat a whole cheesecake too, one by itself. Okay maybe that's too much I don't want to be uncomfortable. A slice of cheesecake, with the cherry on top. I'd spend the last 2 hours getting really fucked up at a bar. Drinking everything in sight with the person I chose. I'd clear that fucking bar out while watching sports. I'd stumble out, onto a park where I could get head and maybe some sex one last time. Then 20 minutes before my time to go I'd take my own life, fuck it I still controlled by own destiny. I'm out.

Peace.

Today I realized I haven't been Living Right.

2012-01-10T01:42:00.000-05:00

Today I wanted to dedicate a blog to Les Miles. The entire blog would have been about him but then that'd make me a faggot for one, secondly most of y'all reading this have no idea who Les Miles really is. I'm about to turn 23 in a month and as some of you know I've accomplished a tonne in my life. Yet I'm at the bar tonight watching Les Miles and feeling sorry for myself. (because the faggot cost me a lot of money) I'm too damn good to be sleeping in a converted storage room. It's 2012 niggas by the end of this year if I don't have a chick serving me beef brisket and inviting her friends over so I could fuck them then we're going to be having problems.

23 years old and I'm nearly bald. My blood pressure today reached 165 over 99. Then I had 3 cups of hibiscus tea and it said 135 over 80. WHO KNOWS WHAT TO BELIEVE. You no so far this winter hasn't been bad, but it's fucking cold out and dark and shit. What'd I drink today. I had a 15 dollar meal, 3 doubles vodka and club soda, a Sam Adams pint, and a shot of Jager. I don't know what that came up to but I bet 25% of my bill was in taxes/tip. Why am I living like this? Is there a place in the world where I could see something and not have to add 13% in my head. How the fuck does one do all that math in the head in the first place, I don't know how to carry zero's and shit. I'm living poorly. _____________ is right I spent a lifetime settling not understanding that I'm the shit.

I'm tired and my feet hurt and my lymph nodes swell for no fucking reason and then the doctors tell me to take it easy with stress. How can I take it easy when I gotta keep adding that 13%. Sometimes I want to keep reading stuff from Sylvia Plath but then I'm afraid I'll stick my head in an oven like she did, so I try to be "normal." But what's normal? What do normal people do? Sit there eating chicken fingers watching the 6 o'clock news? Waking up 6am, preparing lunch in cling wrap and telling people they made an honest day's work. Who gives a fuck if you did an honest day's worth, fact is you'd fuck somebody's wife, how honest are you? That's the problem with humans. They think they are better than everyone else because they hold on to these little shitty values like never running a red light. But they'd fuck your sister in law if they got the chance. But back to the blog subject, today I realized I ain't living right. I wanna get a girl who does ass to mouth and fuck her til I'm tired. I want to sleep on a Queen size bed (I'm currently on a double), I want to learn how to use chopsticks and get a Costco card so I don't have to bother Cheeba everytime I need water or pita chips or buns. Fuck y'all :( I'm out.

Peace.

The Reason You're Insecure.

2012-01-08T22:41:00.000-05:00

Every female out there is insecure and I'd assume about 50% of males if not more suffer from the same crap. Let me break it down for y'all. Your parents had sex. Then they had you. Then while you were being raised you were forced to compete. If you didn't beat the next person you're a failure. Life is one big competition. Your parents go to your recital when you were 4 and you think they give a fuck about you? They just want you to be the best. The best in relation to what? The best fucker on the planet. They want you to be better than everyone's kid. So you're 4 years old and you already have it instilled in you, you got to beat everyone else in order to make your parents smile. Then you start growing up.

The imperfections start to show. Maybe those tits aren't as big as your best friends. You start to hate her even though you won't admit it. You look to everyone else and smile, but you hate them all. You secretly hate your friends, you hate your distant relatives, hell you might even hate your own mother. All because your tits are 1 size too small. Then you grow up some more. And the dude you liked left you for another girl. Now the reason he left you was because you didn't want to go ass to mouth but he found another girl who does it. You don't know that though, so you start to hate the other girl. Then you look on the television and see celebrities who everyone glorify. You think your life will be better if you looked like them. So you hate them but you try it anyway, you buy the products they endorse, you consume yourself with them. Everyone hates Kim Kardashian but 90% of women wish they were her, don't be fooled.Then you'll start listening to Adele and feeling even worse about yourself. Eventually you pass this stage and you become some old fucker who died.

That's the blueprint for why you're insecure. Because you hate yourself and you wish you were someone else. However this insecurity doesn't affect only you. Because there's people like me, who like to frequent strip clubs and flirt with everyone. But remember you hate the world, so even when you and I have something good going on you'll destruct it. Because you hate yourself and you think I hate you. Now there's a solution to all of this. It's called growing up not giving a fuck about anybody but yourself. If you were to look in the mirror and think damn you're hot (and I'd say 80% of women are fuckable, fuckable = hot) then you got nothing to worry about. That 20% is screwed and they'll be screwed for life, blame God not me. But back to where I was going, you look in the mirror and you see the purity in yourself, you will never have anything to worry about. This blog could save all women and the relationships they destruct. But guess what, tomorrow when you're at that office cubicle you'll look to the left, see someone else and wish you were better than them. In each and every way. All y'all are doomed. Except Birdy, who inspired me to make this art: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QXwPUYU8rTI

I'm out, peace.

A Day I'll Never Forget: The Day I Felt Human....Again

2012-01-06T00:12:00.000-05:00

Pardon the faggotry I'll lace all over the entry. Oh well. Today started off as regular but quickly turned into something I'll never forget. I'm officially finished school. I'm no longer a student, I got my degree. I got a billion and one jokes I want to say but not today, something happened. See I knew this day was coming for a while but I didn't really care. Figured it'd be just another day. I get the confirmation that I'm done school. Of course I'm happy. But I emailed my mom to tell her and that's where things took a complete different turn.

She called me, unable to speak because she was in tears. My brain went still and all of a sudden it hit me, this wasn't supposed to happen. I'm from a nowhereville town called Mount, Hope in the island of Trinidad. None of my parents graduated highschool, they struggle with the most basic of intellectual tasks. I grew up in poverty my entire life yet I graduated from a top 20 university in the world. I got off the phone with her and I texted some of my boys who never got this chance. When I told them I was done, these are convicted felons we're talking about, they were choking up and I found myself fighting back tears. This feeling is so surreal I never want it to end. Words don't give it justice and no one reading this, even if they been in this situation will ever understand. I did this. I accomplished this. No one could take it away from me. It isn't a paper, it isn't just a degree, I busted my ass for this shit and I earned this. Fuck it I worked hard for it too. It feels good.

I spent the entire day with loved ones. I started to drink but then I stopped, I didn't need it, was already high. I know it sounds gay but this feeling right here, knowing I did this, feels so damn good. I looked at my life from a child all the way to today, man fuck I came a long way. There's people out there who'd give anything to see me succeed. Hearing "damn you make me proud" from at least 20 people today really made my fucking day. It wasn't supposed to be like this. After 7th grade I had to learn to everything on my own, I just had to figure it out. Hell I could barely speak proper english but I busted my ass and did my thing. I got this. No one handed it to me, sure I caught a few breaks along the way but in October 2007 after I paid for books I had $13.63 in my bank account. I went to get something and I remember my debit being rejected. Thinking fuck what now. But I hustled, I worked that 9-5 til I couldn't take it anymore. Then I got the blog, got endorsement, got some help from my parents and made a bunch of wise investments. I'm fucking blessed and I'm proud of me and there's no one, and nothing that could stop me on a day like today. I love life, I love my loved ones, and I love me. I'm out.

Peace.

How We Fail As People

2012-01-05T00:13:00.000-05:00

I ain't come from a big family. Me, my mom, my brother, and pops. That's it. Everyone else I'll be lucky to see once every 600+ days, if that. I don't fuck with them and they don't fuck with me. But I know that my family is pretty fucked up, some uncles deported and shit, I know my mom talks to a few of them and I'm still human. I wonder about things. This Christmas I made a big enough effort to find family, but not the adults. I was wondering how my cousins are doing and shit, most of em come from a broken home. Like my cousin in Trinidad. He's an 11 year old faggot. His mother is fucked in the head and always wanted a baby girl. She didn't get it so she raised him like a girl. Breast fed him til he was 8, bathes him all that gay shit and now the kid is pretty much a girl.

I asked my mom about him and she told me her sister (my aunt) bought him a PS3 with the money she stole (my aunt's a convicted criminal) I'm thinking damn, but then my mom continues..."Oh the kid has no games for it, she couldn't afford any so she just bought him the ps3 and he stares at it." Now there's ways to get free games off the network but they don't know that and I'm not going to explain it. WHAT THE FUCK. You buy a child a ps3 for christmas with no games. So I take my ass to the mall after Boxing Day, I go to the game shop and buy this nigga every game they got involving guns and other non-faggotry things. My mom said he likes guns and shit so that's a good sign. She was bitching at me when she found out what I spent but whatever it aint her money. Then my other cousin. A 14 year old girl who lives on a floor of a drug house because her parents spend all the money they earn on themselves. They live in one level of the house, DEEP in the hood. I went to drop off some presents for her and my ass nearly got shot. Crack heads circulating the area and shit people screaming all sorts of garbage. If y'all seen this shit your heart would break. How do people accept themselves as failures?????

If you got a kid it is YOUR MOTHERFUCKING responsibility to take care of the kid. Fuck the excuses, fuck the external desires, fuck everything else. It's simple. If your kid aint have it easier/better then you did growing up, then guess what: YOUR ASS FAILED. You're a fucking pathetic excuse for a human being. 14 year old gotta deal with people banging on the door asking for "Dolla" who lives downstairs so they could get high. Then you got this 11 year old in Trinidad being raised like a girl and his mom in and out of the system. How fucking hard is it to work at KFC and sweep floors, so long as your kid is taken care of. I don't get it. Why the fuck don't you pull out if you're going to be this terrible as a parent. Too many times I witness kids suffering out here in Scarborough, if you got one, it is YOUR motherfucking responsibility to make their lives better. Not teachers, not religion, not the government, no one but you and when you don't do that you should have your right to life revoked. I got alcoholic cousins and shit from age 12, shit's a mess and I know I ain't the only one, it's fucking sad how easily people affect failure. I'm out.

Peace.

The Zen Shit

2012-01-04T01:02:00.000-05:00

This might bore you but I gotta explain. 2011 was bad but I looked at it, then I looked at it some more, then again some more. All I really did was perceive things to be different. Shit fucking happens. Yet I sat there, heavily intoxicated everyday, thinking what in the fuck is happening. 5 hours into 2012 I get an email with more "bad" news. This was it, I had enough. I'm tired of being fucking angry. Of course this is the way I'm built you can't change the foundation but I'm perceiving things differently now. There is good to be found in rapes, senseless slaughter, literally anything. There is good in everything, I just spent 365 days refusing to accept it, despite it being in front my fucking eyes.

I been reading a lot pertaining to everything from sensory deprivation, to meditation, to the afterlife and what REALLY happens. Life's too fucking short. Lost 4 people who I was close with in 2011, what the fuck am I going to do? Sit there and cry bout something that will never change? That's the problem with us in the Western World. We've been blocked off. World been around for millions of years, there's a reason people cope with things differently in the Eastern world. Those people are happy. They sit in their circle. They breathe. They live. But I'm worrying about everything from a sick girlfriend to sports gambling. I can't physically go into my girl and fix what's wrong. I can't go back in time and change the outcome of a game. What the fuck am I worrying about? I let myself get the better of me for too long. I've paid a decent price for it as well. It's time to accept things for the way they fucking are because I ain't God, I can't change them. Tomorrow morning the "problems" in my life will still be there, I got to stop perceiving them as problems. I have to live.

I tell you all this useless shit cause ever since I completely changed the way I think, I no longer have problems. You could be this way too for free.99. Don't get it twisted if I get run over by a car tomorrow and lose my legs I ain't going to say "yay I'm still alive" but fuck man I got like 40 years left if I'm lucky, why the fuck am I bothering with all this shit. There is no good, there is no bad. Shit happens and then we look at it and perceive the shit that happened a million different ways. That sick fuck in Norway went and killed a bunch of kids, then posted on twitter: "One person with a belief is equal to 100k who have only interests" It was from John Stuart Mill but none the less it ain't like I could go back in time and undo what the sick twisted dude did. I took that quote and utilized it in a variety of ways that changed my life. I need to do more of this shit. It takes years to achieve all this sorts of shit but 3 days in and I'm feeling better than Bill Clinton did when he was teabagging Monica. If your life sucks then chances are you can't change it to make it un-suck, but you can change the way you fucking perceive things. The glass is never half empty or half full, it's whatever the fuck you say it is. So make the fucking glass your own and be happy with it.

Peace.

Worst Meal of 2011

2012-01-02T22:53:00.000-05:00

Last week I thought I was going to die. No idea how but I thought/think this is it for me. I think the moment already happened (not going to bore you with the details) but basically on an icy road a car missed me by 20 yards and crashed into a tree. I think that was my moment to die but God telling me I read the sign wrong. In other words, WHO THE FUCK KNOWS but if I die soon just remember I predicted this shit lmao. I don't think I will though, I've been wrong before I'll be wrong again, only time will tell...

Tim Hortons. I was out all day, aint had shit to eat and my body is beaten down. I know Tim Hortons don't sell real fucking food but a nigga was starving. I go in hoping for anything to eat cause there was nothing else around. I see they got these snack wrap things for like $1.19. I said a prayer and ordered it. Now it isn't good, it isn't bad but at $1.19 or whatever I paid, the shit was worth it. Tim Hortons is ass but damn all you need is 3 of those chicken wraps a day and you're good. Fucking healthy and shit too I'll assume. But ya how hard is it for homeless people and crackheads to put aside $4 of that crack money they save and feed themselves proper. Crack heads now have no reason to be lacking nutrition and shit.

I don't ride street cars often, maybe like once a year if that. I don't know what the FUCK lightrail is, I'll assume it's a streetcar and I'll assume that's what Toronto wants to build because the transit system sucks. Let me just say FUCK NO. Man I got on that shit and it was slow as fuck, crackheads everywhere nah fuck that I rather walk. The thing goes like 2 mph, everyone smells, the doors suck, they put you out in the middle of the street so if Abdullah the terrorist isn't paying attention his fucking cab is running your ass over. Fuck that lightrail shit man and fuck streetcars, everytime I ride that shit it's like a game of fear factor, nope it ain't for me.

Worst meal of 2011 was consumed on dinner of December 31st. I hadn't eaten all day except some terrorist felafel balls. So I go to the spot, already drunk. Looking at the menu and they got some good looking things but I ain't want nothing too wild. I ain't one to read menu descriptions either, I see the title of something I like and I ask for it. I seen "beer chili" and I thought alright this is going to be good because chili is light and I eat it like once a week. You know what this shit was? Chili (a very poor version), basmati rice (a big ass bed of it under the chilli) and tortilla chips. What the FUCK. I paid $9 and got that shit. The chips were cool but I KNEW this shit would fuck me later. The chili was disgusting and the rice was just there. Thank fuck I ain't puke. Who the fuck eats chili, basmati rice, and chips all mixed into one plate/bowl thing? I was so hungry too I ate it all and pretended it was a big mac. But my asshole paid the price for it the next day. I'm out.

Peace.

Last Message of 2010

2011-12-31T02:27:00.000-05:00

Im drunk as fuck but fuck that. Baby girl I now you're reading this. You'll pay for this. I'm 's going to teach you Kate Gibson to not fuck with me. You'll wish you never met me, I could assure you that. It's coming eventually, I hope it was worth. What up y'all. I'm smashed. Could barely walk. Those crip niggas are insane smh niggas know the street. I need one of yall to take care of me. Woman only faggots. Jeez I need a woman to commpany my every hangover. Like walk with me, take care of me, make me miss it. Thats why I wanna get married. So a chick could take of me during these type of nights. im out happy new year.

Love Hate

2011-12-30T02:04:00.000-05:00

This is one last ditch effort to bring out everything I hate, I'm bout to bury 2011. This year sucked. Don't mind me, just going to be emo.

I hate this weather. I hate people. I hate their need for approval. I hate facades. I hate public transport. I hate that I hate things with conviction. I hate most of my relatives. I hate those who are happy. I hate the power I give to things/people which then consumes me but yet I see no way out, or fail to take that route. I hate modernity. I hate my desire for alcohol. I hate the judicial system. I hate people even more when I think about the judicial system. I hate those who think they could "solve" me, yet again people...I hate Sports (only in 2011 has it become this shitty) I hate Canada for what it looks like today. I hate taxes. I hate the government. I hate organized religion. I hate skinny jeans. I hate snapbacks. I hate Dog the fucking Bounty Hunter. I hate Pets. I hate hope. I hate almost all opinions that aren't my own. I hate being wrong. I hate traveling. I hate adhering to rules. I hate structure. I hate obedience. I hate that humanity is dying. I hate being an insomniac (only at times). I hate giving a fuck. I hate screen doors. I hate stairs. I hate expectations (they are never met). I hate all food that isn't fried. I hate fish (unless it's fried then it's tolerable, or Sushi which I force myself to eat cause I get tired of other healthy foods). I hate phones. I hate being misunderstood. I hate being recognized. I hate Storage Wars. I hate people who watch Storage Wars. I hate olives. I hate accents (most of them). I hate fear.

I love to smile. I love happiness. I love fries. I love wings. I love Sylvia Plath. I love Idilia Dubb. I love my ability to detach myself from anything/anyone within the blink of an eye. I love(d) Prison Break. I love food. I love seclusion. I love mystery. I love life (when I'm actually living). I love confrontation. I love pain. I love destruction. I love Lana Del Rey. I love Fast Car. I love a blanket. I love differences. I love the Yankees. I love being selfish. I love being unproductive. I love the sun. I love blue skies. I love my dreams. I love the idea of having dreams. I love almost anything that has Margaret Atwood's name attached to it. I love to write. I love to read. I love to think. I love my fucking intuition. I love alcohol. I love the night. I love water. I love Mountain Dew Code Red. I love most fast food joints. I love the feeling I get when I leave Toronto. I love that I'm still alive. I love Arcade Fire. I love Styles P. I love chinese food. I love innocence. I love that I exist. I love that I am relevant (to a certain extent) I love the color black. I love me.

If I ain't back for 2011 this is exactly how I'd want my words to sound like sending off this bullshit year. I'm out.

Peace.

Time to Get Deep

2011-12-29T01:03:00.000-05:00

I don't want to blog today. I just want to listen to Sade's "Cherish the Day" and read Joe Bodolai's suicide note over and over again. That could be found here: Life Before Death . I'm about to lose another relative in the next few weeks, this one to alcoholism. As good as gone is what I'm being told, I don't care for them I care for that life that slipped away. Can't explain it, it's like watching someone on a bed and as every day passes by they get a little more weak. But those eyes, the ones that had conviction and life are just filled with regret and sorrow, like "oh fuck" but it's too late. I saw this with my cousin and I saw this with my Grandpa years ago, here we go again. The 4th in as many months. This world is fucked, I try to tell myself it was always this way but I don't think it was. I'll never know that answer.

I hope the soul goes somewhere when life is all over and my dick with it but I wouldn't be entirely disappointed if it didn't. Dreamless sleep somewhat appeals to me. Weird because I used to hate the concept. I still believe in "God" I hate that name though because then I feel like one of those religious fucks, let's call him "P-nut." I still believe in P-Nut I just question the causation of too many things, it leads me no where then I wake up the next morning and do it all again. This life gets tiring but I wouldn't bother explaining why, I would bore half of y'all even more. People ask P-Nut for signs like that's going to make a difference. I see signs everyday I just wonder why he's even bothering. Or she, I started to think of P-Nut as a mother, a divine mother. It makes me feel better because P-Nut would get all the girls, P-Nut in a female form is much better. No I ain't drunk or high, just mentally drained and enjoying this stream of consciousness. We failed. Things could of been different but they aren't and unfortunately we're to blame. None of this shit is fair but we caused it. They want us to die, the people who control the world.

They want us to bleed, they want us to undergo radiation, to feel that pain, to be tricked into thinking we're getting better. Those fuckers have all the answers. But why? I used to think it was money, vitamin C therapy has amazing effects on cancer patients but you probably didn't know that. Today I read about how a McDicks burger is good after like 2 months of sitting out in the open, why are we being given this shit. Heroin is bad right? How fucking hard is it for the "world leaders" to sit in a fucking room and track where it comes from and destroy it. Y'all think it's money? Maybe. I used to think they were greedy fuckers but surely they realized by now money aint shit. Your kids go off to private school, become fags and die like everyone else. Those plastic tits you're titty fucking ain't different than the regular tits everyone else fucks. It doesn't make any sense, why are things this way. But when you question them you're a hippy or some conspiracy theorist. Tell us what really happened during 9/11 but most people believe it was the "Muslim Terrorists."

But like I said we caused this, we know better just refuse to apply it (I include myself in this) and then we'll cry about the "economy" and shit. Wouldn't it all be better if we simply didn't give a fuck? What if no one voted, wouldn't life be better. Have your money and kill us but we won't play your game. It's been this way for a while: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Operation_Northwoods but this is not an American problem. This is a world problem. Fuck am I having kids for to grow them up in a world where people are more concerned with the well being of a rat-face Chilean girl pretending to be Italian in Snooki as opposed to themselves. It's there already. Kids out here calling themselves Bieber and shit, wishing they were him, unable to process their own thoughts, unable to formulate their own opinions, unable to be them. Did it ever existed or was the self always lost? The self is a complicated thing but I won't stop til I find it. (yeaaaaaaaaaa nigga I went over half of your heads with that) Lmao. I'm out.

Peace.

The Weekend and the Epiphany

2011-12-27T23:41:00.000-05:00

This Holiday bullshit sucked. Last Christmas I was in a basement with a bag of sunflower seeds, I went to the gas station and got some Bits and Bites, and a bottle of Bacardi. Drank til I passed out, this Christmas was 1000x worse than that but I ain't getting into it. I was in Cleveland last week and as always I had a blast, only thing is I been drunk since the 21st. Another problem is that despite not wanting to, I left Cleveland thinking "family" and blah blah Christmas will be cool. I was wrong. Today was my first "day off." I got off that plane and went straight for more partying, buddy looks at my jacket and says "what is this" thinking it was a design. It was Puke residue. That's the type of week I had, wore the same mustard stained jeans for like 3 days and just went hard. Christmas and Boxing Day was spent at the strip club because to make a long story short for a bunch of reasons I couldn't be at home. Throughout the week I been beaten down more times than a nigga living in Alabama in the 20s. Christmas lunch consisted of sliced cheese on bread, at least I melted it lmao.

If it wasn't for the Ciroc, Grey Goose, and odd beer/wine I don't know how I'd survive this shit. But I did. So it's the 26th and me and another dude are at the Strip Club. He's beaten down like me. For one reason or another and I forgot the reason why but I purposely cut my thigh with a steak knife. At the time I had a good reason, I guess, but ya it's that sort of weekend. So now I say enough is enough, I had enough alcohol, enough strip club food, enough of the bullshit. I tell the homie lets go to walmart, pick up a rotisserie chicken, some mac and cheese, coleslaw. and potato wedges and have our own belated Christmas dinner. I DONT FUCK with potato wedges but it's the closest thing to fries I could think of and I wanted fucking fries. There I was, in the same clothes for like 5 days. Smelling of vodka, I don't remember eating anything, I don't remember doing anything, got stripper makeup all over me and nothing in my life is going right yet I'm stumbling across Walmart hoping they got that ready-made food. Then it happened....

A chick came up to me and said "hi" and I was thinking "no I don't want to sign up for your bitch ass mastercard." I turned to her about to cuss her off and then I realized I knew this person. You know how some people, during the worst times, see an angel and shit? This was my angel. See this was a girl I was trying to get it in with in 2005-06. She was hot, beautiful spanish skin, and sucked dick like Heather Brooke (google) which was the word on the street. Now it's 2011 and THERE IS NO MOTHERFUCKING WAY I"M HITTING THIS. The chick gained bout 50 pounds, had acne and shit, all I could think of is WHAT HAPPENED. Then she told me about her boyfriend, this was the sign from God. In my head I'm thinking, wait a NIGGA HITS THIS???????? NAH my life ain't so bad after all. I might be beaten the fuck down but I ain't fucking Kate plus 8 (literally like that chick Kate plus 8 other people combined into 1) No fucking way, I jumped for joy and went about my day, knowing I have it good, I ain't ever have to resort to that Hoover Dam in the face type of women. I'm blessed. I'm out.

Peace.

2 Year Anniversary- Random Thoughts

2011-12-23T01:18:00.000-05:00

It's been 2 years since I started this shit. Some good, some bad came from it. Got a lot of pussy, some decent cash, death threats, first class flights, failed business opportunities you name it. A fucking roller coaster, just the way I like it. I was going to bitch bout my problems today but said fuck it, I don't want to ruin your Christmas so instead I'll dream. If I ever get rich I'm doing to things. 1) Going to take ibogaine (google it if you're lost) 2) Fly on an empty plane somewhere. I'll need a lot of money for that and at first it'll seem like a waste but it's something I REALLY want to do. Sit there by myself, Oddly enough I been on a plane with 3 people once it was pretty cool, great feeling I can't describe but I need one for a longer journey.

I need to start doing healthy things like getting a massage and breathing properly and not doing crazy drugs and shit. Maybe one day I'll be like that nigga on Parks and Rec. y'all know which one the healthy guy. Oh and fuck all y'all that had a good year lmao. 2011 should be renamed to: Lets see how far we can fuck JJ in his ass (pause) so if you had a good year then eat a dick with olives on it smh. I been trying meditating but it clearly aint working, though I blame my self. A nigga gets up on the bed and closes his eyes then immediately I start to think about banging Daisy Marie in her ass and it all goes downhill from there. I need more structure in my life. Like a rich white girl who has an "organizer" who guides me LMAO.

That white chick in My Name is Earl is so attractive, even though she's not supposed to be. I think her name is Joy on the show, ya I need a white girl like that but less crazy and more class. Ironic, me talking about less crazy and more class. Y'all enjoy these Christmas Holidays trust me you don't want to be me. I know someone who knows someone who took their life today. It's a cold ass world and I tend to take all that shit for granted. Stare your faggot ass relatives dead in the eye and tell their faggot ass you love em, y'all don't want to see the glass completely empty as a lot of us do on a daily basis. See what happens when I listen to Lana Del Rey, I get in that mood lmao. I'll stop now though, Merry Christmas and I hope each and every one of you get some dope head or fingered or whatever rocks your world, Christmas without dope head is like going to Starbucks and ordering a passion fruit juice. LMAO I'm out y'all.

Peace.

Here We Go Again

2011-12-22T01:04:00.000-05:00

I try not to be ungrateful but there are certain things I just can't help but think about. Don't blame me. I got a friend who has a sister and my friend fine as hell but her sister the one with good grades, the nice dude blah blah blah. She has all these family functions and doesn't want to show up single so she calls me and I'm usually her pretend boyfriend. In return, I used to get a mean blowjob now I just get free booze smh. But it was Thanksgiving and shorty had the gathering at her Aunt's place. This was thanksgiving and I'm black, I was raised a certain way. When you invite someone over at your crib you make them feel at home, give them a meal with love and take care of them.

A nigga showed up for thanksgiving expecting everything and the kitchen sink. You know what I got, corn from a can, turkey, gravy, rice, and mini croissants you get in a pack for like $2.99. Man what the fuck, I ain't travel halfway across the city for this bullshit. AND WHAT the fuck do you eat with the rice? The turkey? Nigga please the least she could have done was fry the rice, add peas or something. A nigga spent his thanksgiving eating this garbage, let's be real that lady stuck the turkey in the oven and went to masturbate for 12 hours, came back, opened the can of corn and boiled some fucking rice. That was her meal she was serving to the people she "cared for." You know what's worse. This old ass lady spent the entire dinner bragging about how long the turkey took and how she got it perfect. White people don't know shit about cooking with love. Bullshit ass meals, bullshit ass "gatherings," bullshit ass dinnertime conversation man I couldn't wait to get out of there and hit KFC for the Big Box Meal with an extra side of coleslaw.

So now another holiday is upon us (fuck that sounded gay let me try this again) Now Christmas is here and shorty hits me up pleading to roll with her on Saturday night. I value her a lot so I got no choice but to go. BUT I told her I'm skipping dinner. I'm doing this shit the ghetto way. I'm going to to Popeyes, pick up a 2 piece with an extra biscuit. Then I'm going eat it in the car on my way to the spot. When I get there I'm going to tell her Aunt I already ate at another family function, I'll have one of those bootleg ass croissants that been sitting in a grocery store for 7 weeks and I'll pretend to be happy. Then I'll hit their liquor cabinet for everything they got. That's what my life has become. I got to put on a James Bond type mission on Christmas eve and hang around fake white people, all because I live for alcohol and I want to tap into that Johnny Walker Blue. The things I do for the love of my life. I'm out.

Peace.

Entering the World Of Faggotry

2011-12-21T00:10:00.000-05:00

That's me holding a Gingerbread latte at Starbucks today, let me explain. About 2 months ago I lost a bet. I took Notre Dame, she took Michigan. Notre Dame was up by about 700 and suddenly Michigan score 700 points in the 4th quarter, I lose. Had I won man I won't even tell y'all the greatness I would have gotten but I lost. She knows how I hate starbucks, their fucked up terminology and everything with it so she decided I got to go to Starbucks and order a Gingerbread latte. To y'all this might sound like no big deal but I'm ALWAYS about principle. Fuck I look going up to a "barista" and ordering a Venti Gingerbread latte with cream on top. But anyways today I happened to be in a spot where Starbucks was around and figured it was a good time to pay up.

So I'm there in a big ass line where everyone are fags. The girls were kind of hot but you could tell they got weird ass personalities. The dudes were huge faggots who probably listen to Bruno Mars and know how to dance the "Waltz" whatever the fuck that is. (I hear things then repeat them like a child does, without knowing their real meaning) So I get to the chink lady (barista) and I look at the board. Hold up a Venti is like $7 nah baby we in a recession I'll take the "Tall." See what I mean y'all, in the faggot world of starbucks, Tall means small. WHAT THE FUCK. Why the fuck these Seattle assholes have to be so different for, selling shitty cds and shitty books and shitty syrups. I don't give a fuck for this shit but if you need a coffee nigga go to the grocery pick up a big ass tin of Foldgers or Nabisco and go crazy for a month. Anyway in the wonderful world of Starbucks, a Small latte came up to $4.12. That's 2 fucking lottery tickets smh.

Now I ordered the gayness and have to wait in another line while a dude in an apron makes it for me. Yes, dude who is making niggas coffee is in a fucking apron. This shit can't get any worse. Now I got no clue what a latte is, I thought it was like a funny word for something similar to hot chocolate. I'm thinking a Latte is the Hot version of a DQ Blizzard and at $4.12 this shit will taste good. I don't know what the fuck gingerbread spice is, as I never had a gingerbread cookie in my life but the emphasis is on cookie I'm thinking this tastes good. About 3 months ago I had my first expresso. Shit was nasty. Let me tell you what the shit I drank today was. It's like 2 shots of expresso. Mixed with every fucking spice and herb from my kitchen cabinet. It's like the dude in the apron grabbed 2 shots of expresso, mixed it together with paprika, black pepper, oregano, seasoning salt,and added a half cup of vinegar. That's what I drank Who the fuck willingly drinks this shit. I downed the thing like a pint and went about my day, a day that started with pure faggotry which I had to share. I'm out.

Peace.

What Recession?

2011-12-20T00:43:00.000-05:00

God, let the record show I was going to write a completely different blog on a certain topic but it's Christmas time and I decided to take the high road (I been doing that a lot lately) So ya God, you owe me. I've done a lot of my Christmas shopping (by the way I got the most amazing gift today: a dog/usb thing that humps the computer) but I still had to get a few things. So Christmas is coming and I know the malls are crazy as is so I decide to hit the mall. The first thing I notice is United Way or one of those charities doing gift wrapping so I'm thinking good cause I don't know how to wrap that shit. Then I see "suggested donation prices" $3 for small, $5 for medium, $7 for large gifts. Nigga please, I know it's only suggested but fuck I look like paying $7 for some 14 year old jack off to wrap a few things for me. Fuck that I'll do it on my own.

I'll sound like an old ass person here but I haven't been in a mall in years. To be honest the last I remember of the Mall was the $4 movie theaters (which no longer exist) and the niggas selling Popcorn at a cart for $1.50. I don't think that shit exist either. So I go in the mall and the decor (I don't know what this word means I'll assume interior style) is all fucked up like I'm in a Palace in Rome. It's a cold ass world out there but the Mall got fancy ceramic tiles and shit. I decide to get my brother a fitted cap. Now New Era Sponsors me and I get a lot of free shit, I just didnt have time to ask them for a hat, I walk into Lids. I look at every fucking hat on that shelf: $45.99. NIGGA WHAT? Add the 13% tax and we talking 50 + for a fucking fitted cap. Man I could get that shit in a footlocker in Queens for $21.99. Shit's insane.

I say fuck this, I'm going to Champs to get him a hoodie. He rocks a lot of hoodies and he likes his shit dark and plain like I do. A PLAIN fucking hoodie at Champs is $55.99. Shit can't be serious when I was 13 that shit used to go for $17.99 regular price and like $15 on sale. I look at the track pants, $40, also plain and no name. How the fuck do y'all afford shit. Who the fuck is paying $60+ for a hoodie with no brand on it. I ended up getting him 2 Nike tees that came up to $45. It ain't bout the money it's fucking principle. Yet all the stores were packed, people buying that shit like they got money to burn. It ain't that I'm cheap it's that I know what it's like to have $8 in the bank account and I refuse to go back to those days but damn, how the fuck do y'all people live in a world where a basic outfit costs $300+. This place is fucked. I get my shit mailed to me for free by a bunch of companies who pay me to write and I've never been more thankful. Not a clearance rack in sight, clearly the times have changed but this shit makes no sense. Ah well, for those people who love materialistic things I hope the 72 hours of satisfaction was worth it, I'll stick to the fruit of the loom tees I get at Walmart. I'm out.

Peace.

The Weekend and the Message.

2011-12-18T23:12:00.000-05:00

So here's what happened. The end result to this entire fucked up weekend is the picture to your left, now let me explain. Somewhere along the line I decided I was going to get stupid drunk all week, which I did. Then Saturday night happened. I'm at this party which was gay, so I come home, change, and hit the Annex for another birthday party. I don't know how to behave in the presence of alcohol and I'm pretty childish. See the club was alright, some old school hip hop, a good vibe minus the fucking crowd and the shitty cover, everything was cool. As always I enter the club already drunk and I head straight for the bartender, who I convince to make all my doubles into triples (I try this everywhere I go)

A nigga drinking his screwdrivers, triple vodkas in that shit and just chilling. Then it sorta all went downhill. For whatever reason the club went from playing Pharaohe Monch (which no one but me and my boys knew) to Hollerback Girl by Gwen Stefani. Now I'm mad, I fucking hate college kids and all of a sudden it hits me. I'm at a college place, with college kids, who are wilding out on the dance floor. Nah something has to happen, all these motherfuckers are acting a fool. I start throwing shit at people on the dance floor, mints, really anything I could find. Then I had enough of these white people so I tell my boys it's time to bounce. But before I go for whatever reason I got into it with a white girl. I forget why to be honest but one thing leads to another and as she's walking down the stairs my foot SLIPS and kicks her in her ass. At the time I had a valid reason as to why my foot slipped I just can't remember it now. She dare not turn around either shorty didn't fall or anything she just kept going (none of this is my fault, as I said my foot slip)

Long story short I end up at the Green Room, MUCH better spot. Homeboy is lighting his spliff at the table with the tea-light and we're high as fuck drinking with a really anti-social crowd. The type of crowd where everyone of those motherfuckers are the type to shoot up a high school. Anyway I made it home around 4:30am on Sunday morning. That's when it all gets fuzzy. I don't remember shit but talking shit on twitter then going to bed. But yet I wake up to the text message you see above. What could I have told shorty for her to sound THAT dejected? Why the fuck is she even apologizing and assuming guilt for, as far as I know she did nothing wrong. Now, a rule I live by is to never look back at the drunk messages I send but clearly I must have cussed her off or something pretty bad. Probably blamed her for all my worries and blamed her for not curing cancer or something who knows I was drunk but how does one respond to a text like that? I was thinking about it all day, then I just decided to plead stupid: "Oh it's okay" LMAOOOOOOOO I ain't shit y'all. I'm out.

Peace.

The Family Reunion

2011-12-16T00:43:00.000-05:00

After weeks of deliberation, I decided to be the better person and attend this family reunion thing that's taking place on Sunday. I fucking hate family like you wouldn't believe, bound together by some shitty blood. If most these people died I wouldn't give a fuck about them and they wouldn't give a fuck about me. But I took the high road, one of those "it would make my mom happy kinda crap because she likes this" so I said I'm going. So many problems with this I don't know where to begin. My aunt is funding it and I hate it. She's the type to do something for you and hold it over your head forever. That's when I said, "I'm a grown ass man, I'll pay, it ain't nothing." My mom said oh don't worry about it, it's a buffet.

Who the fuck eats all you can eat, that shit is for people in trailer parks and greedy ass motherfuckers who never seen food. For $10 you getting an unlimited food supply of meats, carbs, dessert, etc. and you expect that shit to be good? Nigga please. If you want the truth I kind of got tired of "hope" and coping and shit, these days I'm just living solely for the purpose of living. There ain't much out there anymore that excites me I'm layered with deep mental problems that has me thinking tomorrow will be no different than today so I'm going to wank to amateur Milf Porn and I took up cooking so that gets me through these cold ass days. I'm tired of hearing "hang in there." See y'all would read that and feel sorry for me, trust me I'm good but THIS family....unreal. Half of these people slept with each others husbands, half got addictions ranging from blow to alcohol, and the rest are the ones who "know everything" you just can't win.

I don't love these people, I don't care for them, I'm indifferent to everything but on Sunday I'll have to go, with a smiley face like this " :) " and pretend to enjoy the shitty all you can eat food. Then I'll have to give everyone hugs and shit, I'm fucking anti social don't touch me unless I've said the words "I love you." I could think of 1000 better things I could be doing than this but I'll have to suck it up (pause). They're bringing a cake too, then they'll all pretend that they're the best of friends, then in 3 weeks my uncle will get evicted or my aunt, who has been convicted of fraud like 20x will catch another case. Rinse and repeat, yet I'm supposed to feel connected to her. I say this to say, to anyone reading this, I stay connected to y'all. Y'all are real people who I fuck with, who I smoke with, some of y'all I fuck and some will give up their fallopian tube to see me smile. Y'all keep me sane and y'all are the reason I do this, much love and think of me on Sunday when I'm sitting across the table from a bunch of people who think having a good time is smiling for a camera and posting it on facebook to show the world how happy they are, re-assuring themselves that everything is okay when it really isn't.

Peace.

Back Again Like for the 100th time.

2011-12-15T00:44:00.000-05:00

I'm back motherfuckers and more bitter than you've ever seen me. Everyday it's something new, another failed contract, another broken relationship, another day where I got to wake up and view the world and think "damn everyone in this mothafucker is fucked." Was walking through the halls of school today. What could very well be the last time I ever walk through those halls, thinking "now, what next." Just had to stand still for a moment and let it hit me. I endured 4.5 years of unnecessary crap for a piece of paper and now what. Work in a fucking office doing some tedious fucking job and hating shit even more. I love to write but I'm too fucked up to ever keep a stable job, this job application process is the most painful shit ever.

Speaking of pain my "significant other" hold up let me google significant other to see what that really means. Ya good enough. My significant other pulled some dumb ass shit today, I sensed this was going to happen but the justification topped it all off. I won't get into that though she has to tolerate me too, I don't know why but she does.You know what I want for Christmas, complete isolation. I don't care about gifts, I don't care about cash, I don't care about these gay ass carols or some fat Sandusky motherfucker asking kids if they been naughty. I want a one way ticket to a warm place where I know very few people, where I can make enough cash to live a bit comfortably. By comfortably I mean a couch and a laptop and maybe microwave. I want to be in a place where no one knows your name. I used to watch Cheers thinking, that must be the coolest shit ever, where everybody knows your name. ASK SAM MALONE if he was happy in the place where everyone knows your name. Dude joined a group for sexual addiction or something and told everyone to fuck off, that's what life did to Sam Malone.

You know what I want to do for the rest of my life, eat fries, write, and drink. But I can't. If I eat fries like I want to eat fries, I'll end up like those niggas on TLC who are 800lbs. If I write what I really want to write, no one will appreciate it because I would have crossed "the line" and not get paid. WHAT FUCKING LINE, people do all sorts of immoral shit but because I spit my own perception of things from my own heart there's a problem right? If I drank the way I wanted to drink I'd be dead by next week. Life is all filled with these gay ass limitations and if we don't follow them we end up like Janis Joplin. There's nothing great about this Christmas. It's cold, niggas out here killing each other, had a gun pointed at me this week during a Robbery and I fucking ordered a gift from Victoria Secret on Dec. 7th and today I get a call "there were problems." SO you dumb fucking rejects couldn't let me know a week ago when the problem occurred.

I envy those people who don't know better. Those Born Again Christmas motherfuckers who preach all this nonsense like they're really making a difference. Those naive people who think the government is out for their best interests. The people who believe that they love their wives even though they're banging Blockbuster employees once a week. That's the people I envy. I'm back baby and I'm fucking on a tear because for the past 12 months, very little has gone my way and I WISH I could say I was to blame, but 90% of this shit was out of my control, so fuck you and your happiness. Catch me on twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/BronxBomber45

Peace.