Gaming Laid Bare Times

Mario, Sasquatch Lovechild - Revealed!

2010-02-22T12:00:00.001-05:00

After last weeks unfortunate kidnapping of the entire staff of this publication by the lovechild of Mario and Sasquatch - caused solely by a misunderstanding involving lettuce - we here at Gaming Laid Bare Times feel compelled to report on this truly shocking turn of events.

Once the creature had released us from captivity, and apologized profusely for the mistake that it had made, we rushed to the keyboard to report on what we had seen.

The giant, hairy, forest bound creature wore a red hat emblazoned with an S. Throughout the entire ordeal, we felt as though it reminded us of something. It wasn't until the creature, who was perfectly pleasant in every respect, other than the whole keeping us prisoner thing, noticed it looking at the cap.

"It's all I've got to remember my father by," it told us. "All mom told us was that he was a mustachioed plumber from a far away place. Said he popped out of a green pipe in the middle of the forest and started rooting through the undergrowth for mushrooms. Told me that there was something appealing about the short little man."

Questions raced through our minds. How did a pipe from the mushroom kingdom end up in an ordinary forest? Why did Mario Mario show up there and then? Sasquatch is a female? What, exactly, are the logistics involved in the two different species mating?

The fact that the Sasquatch that held us bore no other similarities to the famous Italian plumber didn't faze us in the least. After all, the thing assured us that the story was entirely true. Anyone, even hardhearted journalists such as ourselves, couldn't see anything but honesty in those dark, savage eyes.

We attempted to contact Sasquatch for comment on the story, but were unable to catch more than a glimpse of the historically evasive figure.

Mario Mario, of course, has been on the run since going crazy after a Fire Flower addiction took him down hard, so was unavailable for comment.

Normal Service Will Resume Next Week

2010-02-17T11:57:00.000-05:00

The entire Gaming Laid Bare Times staff has been kidnapped by the love child of Mario and Sasquatch. We understand that they are also being guarded by Bat Boy.

Normal Service will resume next week.

With New Fable III Screens, Videos, Comes New Promises

2010-02-12T12:16:00.000-05:00

Peter Molyneux, famed Lionhead Studio developer who's had his hand in the Black and White series, and the Fable series, spoke out about the third game in the Fable series today. On top of revelations that the game will not feature a HUD, as well as a slew of new screenshots and videos, Peter spoke to us about another few more features he is putting in his latest oeuvre.

"Not only will you be a king in this new game," the maker of broken promises told us, "and not only are we not cluttering up the screen with silly things like health bars, but we're going all out with this new game. You won't have seen anything like this before."

"Everyone knows you'll be a king in this one. That you'll be responsible for making some pretty hefty moral decisions. But what no one knows, or knew until this point anyway, is that your actions in game will have some pretty hefty real world consequences. We've rounded up a bunch of homeless people, and stuck them in period sets. Depending on how you act in the game, we'll either treat them well, or send hundreds of plague written rats through the crowds."

"And every time that you get to a loading screen, you'll be able to see how your own personal group of homeless bums are doing. And that's only the tip of the iceberg!"

We had to admit that this is the most imaginative claim that Mr. Molyneux has made about one of his games, as well as perhaps one of the more confusing.

We would have asked him more questions regarding this probably highly illegal and demented plan, but honestly, sitting around so much pure, unfiltered bullshit, caused every member of our team to have a brain storm.

CoPACABANA Speaks Out Against Bioshock 2

2010-02-10T11:52:00.000-05:00

The CoPACABANA (The Concerned Parents Against Children Acting In Bioshock And not Normal Activities) released a statement today, declaring that they would like to see the newly released Bioshock 2 as well as its older brother, Bioshock, pulled from shelves today.

Keneth Berly, a spokesperson for CoPACABANA, told us that the group is concerned that proper steps are not being taken to protect the Little Sisters from the game.

"We are not as concerned about the to-harvest or not-to-harvest mechanic in the game, to be honest," Mr. Berly told us. "What we are more concerned about is that proper steps have not been taken to ensure that these little girls, after spending hours running around with men in big metal suits and draining ADAM from corpses, will not be able to return to anything resembling a normal life."

The main problem, noted in a release from the organization, is that they wish to ensure that the Little Sisters do not fall into the trap that many child stars fell into. They feel that 2K, the organization behind the production of the game, have not put specific safeguards into place to make sure that the little girls in question do not fall victim to being in the limelight.

"We have to know," Mr. Berly continued, "that they have a plan to ensure that these innocent children turned into lifeless monsters will not become addicted to ADAM harvesting. Of course, that is only one of the many concerns we know these girls face. Being in the limelight for any amount of time as a child can be very damaging. Just look at any child star. Michael Jackson. That blond kid from the Home Alone movies. None of them had a normal life. And they weren't presented with something addictive right off the bat, now were they?"

We hope that 2K Games has a plan in place for the protection of the Little Sisters, and that it will be to the liking of the CoPACABANA group.

NIS Report Of Lowered Earnings Causes Gamer Rage

2010-02-09T12:08:00.000-05:00

With the news coming out that Nippon Ichi Software, famed for their well rounded and much respected SJRPGs, including the Disgaea series, has seen a major downturn in their profits, comes a fresh bout of gamer rage from the internet.

Filiberto Chappan spoke to us today after reading the news of the financial downturn.

"I can't believe it," he told us, while surfing a well known torrent site. "Why on earth wouldn't more people play those games? I mean, they're all classics, everything that NIS comes out with. Disgaea is a great series. Phantom Brave was great. Ar Tonelico? Get out of here."

We couldn't help but notice that Mr. Chappan was searching out the very titles he was talking about for download, so we had to ask him if he had ever, actually, bought or tried one of the games.

"Well," he said, stuttering, "I mean, no, I never got the chance or anything, and then when I wanted them I couldn't find them. I didn't look too hard, but I kinda wanted them, you know?"

We can only hope that NIS manages to turn their fortunes around, and that jerkoffs like Mr. Chappan open their wallets more often.

Woman Actually Buys PSP Go

2010-02-08T11:45:00.000-05:00

Gaming Laid Bare Times has learned today, through a source in a major gaming retailer, that the PSP Go has actually sold one confirmed unit. Unfortunately, the sale was made to a non-gamer mother, who was convinced that the unit was exactly what her little precious wanted.

The seller of the unit confirmed to us that he had, in fact, asked the woman on numerous occasions if she was sure that she wanted to buy the PSP Go. Regardless of the questions, and the tone of disbelief in his voice, she bought the unit.

We at Gaming Laid Bare Times wish we could have interviewed the lady, but unfortunately, she was already gone by the time we heard of the story. If we could have asked her what we wanted to, we would have asked why, exactly, she would spend more money on a hand held that does not have the full catalog of games yet, with a smaller screen, and with a $60 trade in value at certain gaming stores.

We would also recommend that she pick up the far superior PSP 3000, or just leave that side of the fence alone and pick up the far superior Nintendo DS.

Opinion: Games Not Yet Next Gen Until...

2010-02-04T12:15:00.000-05:00

In my humble opinion as a video game reporter and critic, gaming can not yet be considered to be next gen. Sure, the graphics have gotten better. The ability to tell the wanted story has improved. The number of enemies on screen has even improved.

However, there is one thing that gaming needs to do so that it can become truly next gen. And that is to render my truly magnificent and luxurious hair in a way that looks realistic.

So, consider this a challenge to all game developers. Until you can render this in a realistic manner, until you can make that look realistic in a game, then you have not succeeded in making a next gen game! So get to it, game devs! Or are you not up to the challenge?

And if you want tips on how to get such magnificent hair, be born with curly hair, grow it out for over a year, and never, ever let a brush near it.

Visceral Games Reveal Desire To Continue Raping Classical Literature

2010-02-03T12:00:00.000-05:00

Visceral Games executive producer, Jonathan Knight, recently said in a review with Joystiq that he would like to tackle a video game version of Macbeth after Dantes Inferno, and other current projects, have been completed.

He told Joystiq that "Dante's is more of a violent interpretation of the poem for example. Macbeth would be great, though; there are witches and a supernatural experience along with plenty of intrigue and murder."

We caught up with Mr. Knight soon after this news had broken, to see what drugs he was on and where we could get some.

"It's simple really," Mr. Knight told us. "There's a whole font of gaming ideas that haven't been mined from currently existing books, plays and movies. Couple that with the fact that we can create the games with systems that we've stolen with other games, then we barely have to do any imaginative work at all."

When asked how, exactly, a Macbeth game would work, the developer remained tight lipped. "I can't really talk about that, because we haven't figured out which game we want to mirror poorly. But as soon as we know, you guys'll know."

We couldn't help but ask if there were any other IPs which Mr. Knight would consider for re-imagining as violent video games.

"Well," he said, almost confidentially, "I've always felt that David Lynch's Eraserhead would be a great first person shooter. And that Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sheep? would be a perfect dating sim game."

We at Gaming Laid Bare certainly hope that Visceral and their executive producer can continue to look for new and exciting ways to make old, important stories dull and violent.

Gamer Discovers Everquest Still Going, Still Delivering Expansion Packs, Expresses Shock

2010-02-02T13:00:00.000-05:00

"Everquest 1?" Lance Fruchter tells us, shock evident in his voice. "Really, you're sure?"

Upon informing Mr. Fruchter that, yes, we are indeed sure that the first Everquest game is still being played, and is still delivering additional paid content to its players periodically, he could only shake his head.

"I mean, Everquest 2, that I could kinda see. Cause it's not that old or anything, But Everquest? Really? Why the hell would people still play that?"

We informed Mr. Fruchter that people have a lot invested in ten year old characters, and may not want to put them down for fear of losing them or becoming outdated.

"Well," he told us with a smirk, "those people need to get a life."

(This short interview brought to you from Mrs. Fruchers basement, where Lance currently lives amongst snack wrappers.)

No More Heroes 2 Drooled Over By Gaming Elite, Ignored By Everyone Else

2010-02-02T12:00:00.001-05:00

With the release of No More Heroes 2 by celebrated video game auteur Suda 51 for the Wii came the almost expected barrage of "it's the greatest thing ever"s from gaming's elite few - those who not only claim that all video games are art, but discuss the subject endlessly.

However, the other, less often discussed side, is that while the game will undoubtedly be a critical darling for a long time to come, as have been all of Suda 51's other works, the game will largely be ignored by the rest of the gaming public. Despite being one of the few "Mature" titles on the Wii, not just in rating but in tone, there are not many gamers who will give the title a chance. And those that do, that do not know what they are getting into, instead expecting a fun time to had by all, will quickly be turned off.

"I really don't understand it," one Lonnie Felps told us as he stood in line to return the game at one popular video game retailer. "I mean, it's not fun. A lot of things happen that make no damn sense, and then there's all this 8-bit shit going on. Who wants to play 8-bit games? Didn't we already have those?"

We couldn't help but note to ourselves that Lonnie likely wasn't alive during the 8-bit era of gaming, and likely doesn't know what he was missing out on.

"So, yeah," he continued. "I'm getting my money back. Gonna pick up a good game with lightsabers like... er..."

When we suggested Jedi Knight 2 Jedi Academy or the Knights of the Old Republic Games, Lonnie scrunched his forehead in a frown.

"Those are old, right? I mean, they're not even on current gen systems, right?"

We can only hope that No More Heroes 2 : Desperate Struggle will not have quite so much of a struggle finding and audience that can appreciate it.

Ubisoft Takes Fire For New "Imagine" Series

2010-02-01T13:00:00.000-05:00

Ubisoft have come under fire today for their announcement of new installments in their "Imagine" franchise. The, for some reason, successful series consisting almost entirely of games that could be made with a few hours in flash, will be taking a new spin in the coming months.

Man Parrotta came out today at a press conference to announce the new path the series would be taking.

"Most of our games in the Imagine series have, so far, existed to make girls feel good about themselves and show them what they can be in life," he told us, once the questions about exactly why we were here for such a nothing announcement had died down. "And we at Ubisoft have decided to move on from there, taking it to the next logical conclusion.

"Rather than continuing to show the lighter side of grown up life, we have decided to make things a bit more realistic. The first game we'd like to announce has just gone into production, and we expect it to be released within a couple of weeks. And the title?"

With this, Mr. Parrotta paused for dramatic flair. It had less than the intended effect, eliciting maybe a couple of yawns.

"Imagine : You Didn't Have To Be Told Twice!" Mr. Parrotta screamed far too loudly, before pulling a sheet off of a stand that hadn't been there a moment before.

The image revealed was beyond bad taste, showing a woman, huddled up in a corner, crying, with two black eyes. Mr. Parrotta, taking the stunned silence of the crowd as us wanting more, continued, counting off on his fingers.

"Then we'll have Imagine : You Were Asking For It, Imagine : I Told You To Shut Up During The Game, Imagine : Why Did You Wear That If You Didn't Want It? What do you guys think?"

Mr. Parotta managed to get to a chopper that had been standing by to evac him in time, unfortunately.

Gamer Disputes Kojimas Claim Of No Greater Crime

2010-02-01T12:00:00.000-05:00

With the news that Hideo Kojimas latest epic game, Metal Gear Solid Peace Walker for the PSP, faces delays in the developers native Japan, comes a hand in hand apology from Kojima himself.

According to Kotaku, the developer has expressed that "there is no greater crime as a game developer" than to delay a game after a solid date has been set for the release.

One gamer, Elayne Mackenthun, was quick to hop on a route of her favorite sites so that she could counter the famous developers claim.

"There are plenty of greater crimes," she wrote on one message board (all of the messages translated from poorly spelled pieces of horror). "Like, what if your game gets made into a movie by Uwe Boll? Or what if you make a movie based game?"

Rather than sparking the hoped debate on the subject, instead every single forum she visited with her thoughts devolved into the same thing, with every second poster simply posting "in before lock" or "lol, newb."

Elayne does bring up a good point, however. Kojimas claim that there is no greater crime for a game developer than delaying a game can only be suspected as hyperbole.

Joker "Disappointed" By No Major Awards

2010-01-29T12:00:00.000-05:00

In a rare, exclusive interview that we here at Gaming Laid Bare Times were granted today, Joker, the famous nemesis of the Batman, told us of his extreme disappointment at Batman Arkham Asylum not earning Game of the Year from every single publication on the planet.

"I mean," the clown prince of crime told us, "what's a guy got to do to get some attention around here? Kill some journalists?"

When we quickly informed Mr. Joker that killing us would give him exactly no further notoriety or fame, since no one knew us, he quickly giggled and calmed down.

"Fine, fine," he said. "Not yet, anyway. So what was I saying?

"Oh yeah, so I come to the set every day, I do my best work, heck, I even let the big bad man who dresses as a bat kick me around a bit. Every single day, it's the same old thing. 'I'm Batman,' he'd say, and beat up a few hundred of my closest friends. He'd even break some of their arms!"

We felt compelled, at this point, to agree with the Jokers point. Even though we weren't entirely sure that he'd made it yet.

"And what do I get for all of that? I mean, really. Sure, a starring role in a bestselling video game, the chance to commit psychotic acts of mayhem across a beautifully rendered and dark island setting filled with some of the most insane people to grace the inside of an asylum, sure, sure, I got that. But what else, I ask you!"

At this point we had to indicate our sadness that we had no idea what he had gotten by what is popularly known as shitting oneself.

"I get punched in the face with some explosive gel, a few months in a hospital bed, and nothing else! It's a crying shame I tell ya!"

"You tell 'em, Mr. J," Harley Quinn piped up, taking a moment to stop pointing the ridiculously oversized but obviously functional revolver at our skull.

please help they haven't let me go yet please call the police call a lawyer call batman call someone please or give him the goty he wants oh god i think this psycho is going to kill

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A KANGAROO WITH A SHEEP? A HELL OF A CLEAN UP!

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU PUT A BABY IN A BLENDER? 20 TO LIFE!

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A THROAT WITH A KNIFE? A GOOD TIME!

Major Literary Figure Claws Way Up From Hell, Bitch Slaps Game Developer

2010-01-28T12:00:00.000-05:00

"I'd-a really like to know what they were-a thinking," the rather dessicated corpse of Dante Alighieri told us today. "I mean-a really, you take one of the greatest-a written works of-a time, written by-a me too, and you-a turn it into a crappy rip-off video game-a?"

Those words today from the suddenly back to life Dante, who clawed his way out from hell directly outside of the Visceral Games headquarters, developer of the Dante's Inferno video game. He then proceeded to push his way into the building so that he could personally bitch slap every single member of the team.

"I mean," he continued to tell us, "I wouldn't-a mind so much if it were-a good, or, you know, respectful of my work-a, but it isn't, is it? You wouldn't have a cigarette-a, would ya?"

We informed Mr. Alighieri that unfortunately, we do not smoke. We then had to proceed to tell him that we had no idea where he got the idea that Dante's Inferno was a bad game, as it hadn't even been released yet. That seemed to cause him to deflate somewhat.

"Really? Merda. That son of-a bitch-a Tim Langdell-a told me it was worthless! I'm-a so gonna eat his brains-a when I get home."

With that said, Dante proceeded to climb back down the dark hole filled with the tormented cries of the damned that had opened in the middle of the street. Thankfully for the city, it closed without a trace, so no money would have to be spent on filling a pothole.

On another note, it appears that Mr. Langdell has struck up a friendship with Satan and visits him often, now that his legal trouble has been resolved.

Beta Tester Claims He Will Not Play Full Game

2010-01-27T12:00:00.000-05:00

"I feel like they owe me," the Beta Tester told us under conditions of anonymity. He was repeatedly pressing refresh so that the webpage for the game he's currently testing - Star Trek Online - would refresh again. "I mean, I'm here, taking time out of my busy day to sit down and play their damn game for free. I'm not even one of those idiots who pre-ordered to get into the game, I got in for nothing. And still I play it."

For a few minutes, he angrily stabbed at the F4 key on his keyboard, over and over.

"And cause I play it," he eventually continued, "they owe me. They need to keep the damn servers whenever I want to play."

We had to ask him, what about all the other gamers? The ones who expect to be able to play the game on release with as few bugs as possible? And after all, wasn't that the point of Beta testing any game?

"I don't care about them," he snapped, almost spitting at the thought of paying customers getting the product they paid for. "All I want is to sit down, every damn minute that I want to play, and be able to play. The servers should never come down when I want to play, for any reason! So they owe me. I figure they owe me the game, in full, free for all time, as well as a few other games I can't afford right now."

We asked our Beta Tester if he had ever had any intention of purchasing the game, or if he was even enjoying playing it.

"It's free entertainment," he told us, making a face. "That's all I care about, cause it's what I'm entitled to. So I'm waiting for them to reply to my forum post telling them they owe me for the server coming down. And I wouldn't play their shitty game even if they give me what I want."

We wish our beta tester all the best in his superbly idiotic wish.

Lack Of Nudity "Disappointing" To Fox News

2010-01-26T12:00:00.001-05:00

Fox News, reputable news agency, has come out today claiming that they are "completely and utterly disappointed" in the fact that while new game Mass Effect 2 will feature sex scenes, none of these scenes will even remotely feature a hint of side boob.

Many gamers will remember the 'scandal' which broke upon the release of Mass Effect. Fox News represented the game, through its wholly in depth and honest reporting and implications, that the game featured full, hardcore sex scenes. The fact that this news was presented on air, and subsequently decried by every single gamer in the world as false, with accompanying facts, was enough to rock the news world to its core.

When the news followed that the "expert" they had had on air was a doctor who had nothing to do with the field of gaming violence or sex, and, in fact, had known nothing about the game before being placed on air and given something to read off, only further succeeded in cementing the reports as nothing more than sensationalist garbage.

"We were really looking forward to a chance to redeem ourselves," Malik Lunter, a representative of Fox News, told us. "And by redeem ourselves, I mean that we really wanted to have a couple of new cool titles up on the screen. Something catchy like the 'Sexbox' thing we came up with last time around. But since we were proven so utterly wrong last time, I guess we'll just have to do this the old fashioned way."

When asked what the old fashioned way would be, Mr. Lunther laughed. "Simple. We'll pin a few killings on the game. I mean, hell, everyone believes that games are completely evil, right? So they may not think it's a piece of pornography, but they will think that it's another deadly weapon that needs to be removed from the hands of kids."

When we informed Mr. Lunther that the game was rated M for Mature, and not meant to be played by children under the age of 17, he placed his hands over his ears and informed us that he could not hear what we were saying in a sing song voice.

Japanese Developer Gust Ditching Ar Tonelico 3, Going Straight To Lowest Common Denominator

2010-01-25T12:00:00.000-05:00

Japanese developer Gust, of the oft lauded Ar Tonelico series of role playing games amongst others, has reportedly decided to scrap the much anticipated third game in the Ar Tonelico series.

A translator, who would only identify himself as Ikemire, contacted us at Gaming Laid Bare Times to let us in on this top secret piece of news.

"The developer feels," Ikemire told us, "that simply having the 'magic users' of the group change clothes, as in Ar Tonelico 2, or the planned undressing (an example pictured above) to get more power for Ar Tonelico 3, that there is a much simpler and faster way to ensure that their game is bought by as many people as possible."

When we expressed surprise at the idea that Gust would make such a ballsy move to remove the game from their upcoming releases, given the amount of fans that the series has amassed.

"Oh, Ar Tonelico 3 will still be coming out," he told us over the phone, where it sounded like he was nodding assuredly, "it just won't be an RPG anymore. In fact, it won't even really be a game. It's going to be more of a slideshow, around 80 hours long, that will feature nothing but titillating and cute anime chicks."

When asked why gamers wouldn't just go on the internet to find such things, he told us, "what, are you kidding? If Ar Tonelico has proved anything it's that most gamers will buy anything as long as you promise them some 'official' panty shots. I mean, sure, there was a solid game behind it all as well, but you have any idea how much work goes into making a piece of quality, 60 hour, gaming? The developers feel that it'll be much easier this way.

"And just between you and me," he continued, "this way the artists get to spend hours with some 'models,' if you know what I mean? Are you still recording this? You son of a-"

We wish the mysterious Mr. Ikemire, as well as developer Gust, all the sucess in the world as they begin down the road to becoming exclusively smut peddlers.

"And They'll Tell Two Friends" Achievement/Trophy In Borderlands Causes Rift Between Gamer Friends

2010-01-22T13:00:00.000-05:00

It all started innocently enough, according to our sources. What started as a simple loan of a game has escalated into a war of monumental proportions between two former gaming friends.

"I let him borrow my copy of Borderlands," Johan told us. "Cause, let's be honest, it's a great game, and I just wanted my buddy to have a crack at it. Then maybe he'd have picked up his own copy, and we could have capped some thugs together online, ya know?"

A simple explanation, which led to not-so-simple consequences. For there was one thing, one simple little thing, which Johan couldn't possibly have foreseen.

"I'll tell you, it pissed me right off," Johan continued. "I lend the game to Gavin, and I've only got one trophy left to go. All I gotta do is get that 'And they'll tell two friends' one, and I'd have the Platinum. Only I'd pretty much written it off, see. Figured it wasn't worth the hassle."

The "And they'll tell two friends" trophy on the PS3, named the same on the XBox 360 version of the game, requires gamers to play either with a developer from Gearbox or with someone who already has. At first, it might seem like a daunting task, but as the name suggests - playing online will, sooner or later, net you the virtual status symbol.

That was what Johan didn't see happening. For one, playing online with strangers could mean losing some serious loot to a stranger, an idea that caused the gamer no end of stress. However, his friend, Gavin, did not feel the same way. Upon first being leant the game, Gavin went online to play with others. On his first try, Gavin got the trophy, and after a few more hours of play, unlocked the platinum trophy as well.

"He's not even going to buy the game now," Johan said angrily to us, almost spitting with rage. "Why would he if he's already beaten it so much? So what the hell am I gonna do, huh? Actually have to play with strangers?"

Johan informed us that he intends to get back at Gavin for what he feels is an epic slight against him.

"I'm gonna play every game with trophies now," he told us. "Even shit like that James Bond game. Just so I can look at my trophy score and his trophy score and know that I'm better than him at video games."

Gavin did not wish to do an in depth interview with us, claiming that he felt the whole thing was "no big deal," and he didn't see the point of fighting with someone over a digital number that meant nothing in real life.

Falling as we do, always, on the side of gaming, we can only wish Johan the best of luck in his quest.

Heavy Rain Publisher : "Americans Too Stupid To Not Buy Tits"

2010-01-22T12:00:00.000-05:00

With the reveal of the highly anticipated Heavy Rain US boxart a couple of weeks ago came a certain amount of rage from gamers. Not only did the game feature a pair of rain soaked, heavy, full and digital breasts, as well as some characters from the game, but in some gamers opinions it was much weaker than the aesthetic provided by the European copy of the game.

That cover, rather than featuring nice, juicy boobs, features only the piece of Origami from the US cover. Some feel that this cover better portrays the game, using mystery rather than sex to sell the game.

Tuan Decardenas, of Sony Computer Entertainment, the US publisher of the game, recently responded to questions about the box art, and why the change was made.

"It's simple," he told us. "Most American gamers are too stupid to look at a pair of breasts and not buy the game. European gamers have a lot more maturity, so they'll go for the original box art a lot easier."

When we asked whether SCE was worried about backlash from the sexist and anti-American stance this made the company look like it was taking, Tuan laughed it off.

"I wouldn't worry about that," he said. "After all, we're providing you with another picture of breasts (right) that will distract them all."

We then asked Tuan about the backlash that they had received over the boxart, and about their decision to release an "original" version that US gamers could print out and replace.

"Yeah well," Tuan continued, "we figured that'd appease to the core gamers and all. But really, most of our money is made off of stupid kids who don't know the game isn't just porn, so we didn't figure we had to try that hard. Make sure you put that picture of breasts up."

Jeff Gerstmann Reportedly 'Fetal' In Anticipation Of Kane & Lynch 2

2010-01-21T13:00:00.002-05:00

Jeff Gerstmann, of the site Giant Bomb, has been reportedly been in the fetal position since Kane & Lynch 2 was revealed to be a real game.

Gerstmann, who had been reportedly let go from his position at Gamespot after giving the first Kane & Lynch game a poor review score while the site was covered in advertisements for the game, had been reported to be glad that "at least the first game was so bad that there's no chance of a sequel."

Upon first hearing of the sequel, Gerstmann was apparently unwilling to accept the truth. At first, he simply laughed it off, believing his friends and co-workers to be playing a trick on him. Over time, he apparently grew more irritated at the perceived 'jokes,' telling people to "quit it already. It's not funny anymore."

This lasted until the Kane & Lynch 2 preview came up for Giant Bomb. Upon seeing the preview, now up on the front page of the site, Gerstmann is said to have curled up into a ball, begun to suck his thumb and cry.

Our source told us that Gerstmann could be heard to mutter "not again please not again it fucked my life up once I can't stand it again please no."

Rockstar Games To "Kill Rats In The Nest," Run To Pay N Spray

2010-01-21T12:00:00.001-05:00

The gaming world was rocked two weeks ago when the "Rockstar Spouse" posted on Gamasutra about the allegedly poor working conditions found at Rockstar Games. Detailed in the letter were the overwhelming work conditions, the lack of communication from the head office, and the all round poor treatment of the men and women who worked for the company. Other Rockstar workers have come forward, with one even comparing the company to the "Eye of Sauron"

Rockstar have not commented much about the issue, which mirrors the EA Spouse issue of a few years ago, in which the wife of an EA employee detailed the poor treatment of her husband and his co-workers.

However, today, Rockstar has apparently dealt with the issue in a most pro-active manner. Rather than, as some had expected, reducing the workload of their workers, or improving their conditions and treatment, Rockstar has instead hired a few rough and tumble types to 'deal' with the issue 'permanently.'

A Rockstar rep told us, under conditions of anonymity, that all of the people who had spoken out about the poor working conditions would be given a head start, but would be hunted down by people who might have walked straight out of a Grand Theft Auto or Manhunt game.

"We have also," the rep told us, "provided each of our hitmen with a cheat code, so that when they've done the job, they can be sure that the cops won't show up."

Asked why they were speaking to us about this, the rep told us "we're Rockstar Games. We can do whatever the hell we want. After all, it'll only confirm what everyone thinks about us anyway."

Gamer Out Of Loop Reportedly "Creams" Self Upon News Of Batman Sequel

2010-01-20T13:00:00.000-05:00

Upon learning of the fact that Batman : Arkham Asylum was getting the sequel treatment, one gamer, Tammara Hallie, told us that she "creamed herself" with excitement.

Although late to the party, with the announcement coming some time ago, that has not dulled her excitement at the prospect of returning to the Rocksteady developed Batman world. Widely believed to be not only a great game in its own right, but the first really good Batman game, it was only a matter of time before a sequel was announced.

"I was busy with a lot of work stuff," the girl told us, still vibrating slightly with excitement after hearing of the announcement, "you know how it gets, with year end stuff and all. So I hadn't gotten to see much gaming news, and then I heard about it today, and oh my god I'm so excited and happy. The first game was so awesome and violent. I even beat it 100%, and I hadn't done that for a lot of games before."

When asked if she considered herself a 'real gamer,' with the dual facts that she was not only female and that she hadn't managed to keep up with gaming news presented to us, Ms. Hallie balked.

"The hell?" she asked. "You think that cause I'm a girl I don't get to be a gamer? What the hell is wrong with you?"

Give such a cute reaction, we couldn't help but tussle her hair. Obviously, she was trying to impress a male gamer in her life with her claims. When she seemed upset about that, which we couldn't understand, we offered to buy her a copy of Imagine Babyz.

Unfortunately, we are currently writing this from a hospital bed, where we're waiting for a doctor to deal with our twisted testicle. She's a lady doctor though, so we don't expect much.

Opinion : "Mainstream" Gamers Do Not Have The Ability To See Gameplay

2010-01-20T12:00:00.000-05:00

Think of all the non-hardcore gaming people you've talked to in your life. Think of all the times you've had to turn to them and say "but the game play's amazing!" They looked at the game and didn't like the graphics. You felt you had to defend it.

Once the police have been called, and the restraining order against you is in place, you might have plenty of time to think. Perhaps you might think that harassing strange people on the street who were having conversations that had nothing to do with gaming is a bad idea. Stop right there!

What you have to understand is that non-gamer gamers, those type of people who only pick up the latest Call of Duty or NHL game, they have a serious mental defect.

Whereas we could look at a Mario game in 8-bit (top left), and see what would most likely be a fun game, they would only see the graphics.

"It's for kids," they whine. "All you do is jump on things heads, where's the fun in that? Now please, I've told you what I think, please let me go. I have a family!"

They all say the same thing, or at the very least, something along the same lines. This has lead me to the opinion that, in reality, there is some defect in their brains which causes them to not see beyond the graphics, to the greater game beneath. Unless a game looks like it was born, squealing into the world in dirty female fluids, they don't give it the time of day.

No, they all want games that look realistic. Rather than the above, these gamers would want games to look like the picture on the right.

This same issue causes them to look at the Wii as nothing more than a child's toy. Occasionally, people will try to throw out the fact that a large amount of the games on the system are intended for children, or are just plain Shovelware. These so called "facts" don't change the face that they are wrong, plain and simple.

As all gamers know, every single game is worthy of looking at, of giving a shot. Regardless of whether or not the game has a "realistic" look to it, it is worthy of your time.

Next time you have this debate with a non-gamer gamer, remember - you're dealing with a retard. It's not entirely their fault. Re-educate them in any way you can.

(The author of this post is selling a fine line of Clockwork Orange style ~~torture~~ re-education chairs. Contact Gaming Laid Bare Times for more information)

Bayonetta Accused Of Sexual Harassment

2010-01-19T13:00:00.005-05:00

Gamer Zackary Bertman has come forward today, claiming that Bayonetta, star of the critically acclaimed game of the same name, sexually harassed him.

He's not the first supposedly heterosexual gamer to come forward complaining about Bayonetta. One such notable quote, from site Crispy Gamer, makes the game seem so terrifying to a red blooded male that one feels that they should worry about their testicles.

"One of those terrifying videogame women," writes Scott Jones in his review for the website, "designed to make heterosexual men feel terrible about themselves."

The evolution from such terribly pussy comments such as that to the claim of sexual harassment by Mr. Bertman is not entirely surprising.

"She made me feel funny in my bad place," Zackary told us. "And I didn't like it. So I think I'm owed some money for the mental damage caused to me."

Mr. Bertman claims that he has hired a lawyer, and will be going after Platinum Games for making a game featuring a sexy and competent female hero. He will also be enduring many, many people who now know his name calling him a "goddamn girl."

Hearing Plot Synopsis Of Heavy Rain, Gamer Considers Suicide

2010-01-19T11:40:00.000-05:00

"It's just so... so depressing, you know?"

So said one gamer, Korey Chareunrath, upon hearing the full details of the first of Heavy Rains game play segments. That part of the game, featuring Ethan Mars, is purported to feature the story of a father dealing with the death of his son in a horrible accident - one that may have been avoidable had the man being paying more attention to the son, if some trailers are to believed.

The idea of playing through a segment of any game dealing with serious and emotionally deep storylines was enough to drive Korey into a deep funk.

"All I want to do is shoot stuff," Korey told us. "I mean, instead of letting people work on this kinda artsy crap, why not make another Halo game?"

We were forced to remind Korey that another Halo game had recently come out, and another was in the works.

"Yeah, sure," he said, "I know that. But, why not have every developer work on another Halo game? That way we'd have one every month. Not only that, but we'd have some great storylines in every game, not this real life crap. I get enough of that at home. I mean, my girlfriend keeps nagging me to..."

At this point, our reporter on scene to interview Korey tuned the young man out. As depressing as the young man felt the storyline of Heavy Rain could be, we feel that listening to him about his petty problems could lead to lasting psychological damage.

"So, you know," Korey continued after fifteen minutes of drivel, "when I get home, I want to just pop in a game that lets me shoot bad guys, that's all. All this heavy crap, man, it makes me want to slit my wrists, you know?"

When we reminded Korey that he did not, in fact, have to purchase the game, he looked at us as though we were crazy.

"What? Not buy a big game? You know how much status I'd lose online? It's a big release, I have to buy it."

Our heart goes out to Korey, and we can only hope that somehow, sometime, he gets his wish for every game to be a Halo game. Our heart also goes out to his girlfriend, who doubtless has to hear about it every single day.