There’s no need to be jealous of us for being at PAX. We’ve taken some moderately nice looking pictures and assembled them here to give you a 100% authentic PAX experience without ever leaving your desk!

Above: Wish you were here

I mean, minus the swag and without the hands-on time with games that aren’t even out yet. Oh, and there’s no bands like Metroid Metal or Anamanaguchi for you to see. Also these pics can’t accurately convey the live gaming tournaments, rooms lined with classic tabletop matches, the enormous sense of kindness and community… you know what? Bring your ass to PAX next year, dammit! You’ve never even thanked us for the privilege of allowing you to live vicariously through us anyway!

ahem… Please enjoy the PAXURES!

Above: This will be my first born’s room

Above: Anxious players storm the Mortal Kombat castle

Above: Vanquish and MK, two of my favorite upcoming titles I had to get in the same shot

Above: Square’s booth is Ikea as hell with tons of playable Final Fantasy XIV stations

Above: Ain’t the saviours of humainty cute?

Above: This Metroid: Other M chalk drawing is almost coming together

Above: [Insert Back to the Future reference] [Internet Applause]

Above: Okay, the detailed rear has removed my cynicism

GamesRadar – Xbox 360 Latest Stories

Despite the porn star-like physiques of most game characters, sex and videogames don’t actually go together. Yes, we’re past the era of razor-sharp pixel nipples, but even the best visuals are just that: visual. Sex, simply put, requires touching. When holodecks finally happen, we have no doubt Cheerleader/Fireman Wrestling Orgy will captivate us so completely that society will grind to a halt and the human race will end. But until then, true sex and games just won’t completely mesh.

Above: You could cut yourself on those 

Thankfully, there are a few developers out there determined to prove us wrong by dreaming up one spectacularly flaccid electronic satisfaction contraption after another. Unless you’re the type to be aroused by jumper cables and a blender, most of these will seem tragically un-sexy – but we’re thinking that’s better for your health anyhow.

1. The USB Masturbation Machine

In an ideal world there would be one rule: “If the only socket available to you is USB and you’re not a Borg, you don’t get to have sex.” The designers at the spectacularly suitably named game developer Overflow disagree, and developed an actual USB Jerking Machine.

If you’re wondering how to play a game with that, you’re doing irreversible damage to your synapses. Also: it’s a PC “graphic visual novel game”, which – to someone, somewhere – apparently sounds better than “cartoon porn image gallery.” It’s called Cross Days and features an ensemble cast of mostly underage-looking schoolgirls, anime art, chapter-style cut-scenes and a high school setting. It’s like Trauma Team but even more childish, the absolute last adjective you want in a sex game.

ABOVE:  Maybe if you added all their ages you’d get something legal

Horrifyingly, of all the aspects of gaming – from fighting games pitting masterful male ninja against bra-allergic strippers, to RPGs where female motivation runs the full spectrum from “helpless damsel” to “helpless damsel who casts Magic when the male lead tells her to” – it’s the electro-genital jerk-mo-tron makers who took a stand for equality of the sexes. Because there’s a USB dildo for the same game.

Above: I’m fairly sure Dr Who fought this once 

2. Gaming Underwear

Never have “well-meaning” and “tragically doomed” collided so closely or hilariously as in JennyLC’s “Intimate Controllers”:  a bra and boxer shorts armed with touch-pads to allow erotic game control.  It is recommended you not think about how a suitably … floppy … male player could dual-wield both garments for advanced-self-control. Also try not to laugh at the phrase “erotic game control,” or the insane idea of a couple reaching the half-naked stage and deciding the absolute best thing they could do next was clumsily murder Mario while pawing at each other.

Even in the best possible circumstances these things are erotic injuries waiting to happen.  2-player gaming gets intense, and mashing breasts like an emergency stop button is unlikely to set the right mood – never mind the fact that JennyLC seems to think “halfway down the outside of the thigh” is a male erogenous zone on par with the nipple. Add the fact that videogames can train real instinctual reactions: we don’t think developing the quicktime crisis response of “Hit your partner in the crotch” is a good idea.

3. The Terrifying Japanese Boob Claw Machine

Here’s a twist on the classic “objectifying women” theme – a game that actually turns breasts into separate objects. It then puts those objects into a machine armed with robotic claws that demands money. If there’s a Nobel Prize for Misogyny, the creator wins it and – for the sake of the species – we hope he enjoys it alone. Because any woman who enters his house is going to find herself halfway between a wet dream and a Saw movie.

Above:  When things like this start happening it’s maybe been too long since Godzilla destroyed Tokyo 

You could unveil this at any Modern Art Gallery and get famous, incite outrage, and probably find yourself murdered by feminists all in one go, and that would still be the closest you got to a woman.  It’s also a perfect analogy for the players – because, just as with any claw game, they’re never going to successfully grab one.

Still, at least that little claw enjoys his job!

Look at those bright yellow eyes, that metal grin!  What a happy little terrifying tit-reaper! 

4. The Mouse Mat of Shame

The Record of Agarest War is a new and improved attempt at tracking pedophiles in the wild. At least, that’s what we hope, because otherwise someone thought “What Isometric Combat Games really need is cartoon nudity” and released this trailer for real. This is the North American trailer, for those who still think the Pacific acts as a shield against sexual insanity.

The game features tactical combat, sex, and not one character who could legally buy alcohol in this country. A major gameplay gimmick is “Soul Breeding” (since mentioning real breeding with people this age is illegal in most states) where you romance a girl in one level to create characters for the next. It’s like the makers decided their audience were so lazy they wouldn’t even switch to their browser for Japanese porn. Having made that breakthrough they realized that “shame” was no longer a problem, leading to the “Really Naughty Limited Edition.” Which included this.

Above: A combined mouse mat, residual shame tester, and 100% effective anti-cootie shield all in one! 

Yes, that’s a mouse-mat with breasts. No, you don’t use a mouse with the Xbox, but the makers can predict perfectly not only how their target market has a PC, but exactly how many alphabetized folders of naked cartoons* are on the hard drive, and just how important their wrists are for their love lives.

As a mouse pad, though, it is comfy. Gotta admit.

*It really isn’t any better when you call it “hentai”

GamesRadar – PSP Latest Stories

If there’s one piece of advice that’s always stuck with us, it’s ‘don’t suck someone else’s socks’. Kirby clearly didn’t heed this advice and it’s landed him in no end of trouble. Yup – this sock sucked him in instead. That’ll learn ‘im. At least… that’s the meaning we’ve taken from this brand new Japanese trailer for Kirby’s Epic Yarn, headed to Wii this autumn (October 14, in Japan).

Yarn dolphin Kirby? We’re in. In fact, everything about this trailer is either cute, amazing or both. The physics look worthy of any LittleBigPlanet level and the variety of gameplay on offer is superb. It looks like it will play like a cross between Yoshi’s Island and Dynamite Headdy… a gene-splicing experiement only the maddest of mad scientists would even attempt. And even he would think it a particularly mad thing to do.

Still, as I said yesterday, the game’s looking great so maybe we should just let Kirby sock it to us.

02 Sep, 2010

Source: Nintendo Everything

GamesRadar – Wii Latest Stories

We’ve PAXed our bags, called a PAXidriver, and we’re ready to down several six-PAX of boozey drinks! So… what we’re trying to say is… WE’RE GOING TO PAX THIS WEEKEND. And know what we want to do the most? Meet YOU, of course, both at our panel, and during a live, boozey recording of our stupid podcast, TalkRadar. So if you plan to be at gaming’s foremost celebratory celebration, then cure our crippling loneliness and come hang out with us. Please? We’ll be your best friends!*

See our schedule below!

*Genuine friendship not guaranteed.

Above: This is who will be there, only with less toppling over (we hope)

Saturday, 8 p.m.: Meet up with us at SEGA’s party at Gameworks** (1511 7th Avenue, Seattle, WA), which opens to the public at 8. We’ll (try to) record a live episode of TalkRadar, which you can participate in! Be famous!***

**18 and up, probably. It’ll fill up fast, so be there early!
***Fame is relative.

Sunday, 3 p.m. – 4 p.m.: Join us for our first-ever PAX panel, “Ask a Games Journalist,” in the Unicorn Theater. GR Executive Editor Brett Elston, Senior Editor Mikel Reparaz, and PC Gamer EIC Logan Decker will be answering audience questions about anything and everything related to the art of gams jarnlasm. Here’s the summary:

How do I get a job in the games industry? What college degree should I pursue? Are games journalists on the take? How can anyone give Heavy Rain a 7/10? Walk up to the mic and ask away – we’ve assembled a team of industry professionals who are ready to field your questions. BTW, the answers are: Show up, Doesn’t matter, No, we barely have enough money for soup and rent, and Because it’s a story-driven game with a crappy story.

Above: Hey shut up this is Brett… telling you to come to PAX. Please. (Please.)

In the event that any of this changes, we’ll update you via GamesRadar’s Twitter account, so be sure to follow us! We may add meet-ups as we go, as well. Plans are for squares, man!

Sep 1, 2010

GamesRadar – PC Latest Stories

Still can’t get enough Mass Effect 2? There’s a rather meaty addition coming this Tuesday, which looks to explain why Liara was all pissy and preoccupied when you bumped into her on Illium. We’ve actually had a go at this DLC already, we just can’t say too much about it until later this week. Until then, here’s the trailer, which arrives just in time to remind you to buy it on Tuesday.

Above: Look for a detailed account of the Shadow Broker DLC later this week

GamesRadar – PC Latest Stories

Donut Games is one of the unsung heroes of iPhone game development. Their games are nearly always “casual” at heart, yet feature enough addictive simplicity to appeal to anybody. With a wide range of curious arcade-style titles, Donut is easily among the best devs that iTunes has. You won’t find many to say that, though.

Superstar Chefs is one of the Donut’s neatest little offerings. It’s a platform game that feels like the original arcade Mario Bros. thanks to its small arenas, platform design and lack of screen boundaries. 

The aim of the game is to collect the designated number of fruit and then collect a key to complete each of the 60+ stages. Racking up scores for fruit combos, enemies, and special collectibles is the key to replayability, although there’s more than enough content for one playthrough to justify the 99 cents.

Gameplay starts off easily enough but it can get pretty tough, especially once the spikes and the watery deathtraps come into the picture. The heavy handling of the chefs can lead to a few frustrating deaths, but only occassionally will the deaths seem unfair, and no one stage is truly insurmountable.

To cap it off, Superstar Chefs looks good and has a lovely, if repetitive, soundtrack. All this for a mere buck makes it well worth picking up. Buy it from the iTunes store here.

Aug 31, 2010

GamesRadar – PC Latest Stories

We’ve PAXed our bags, called a PAXidriver, and we’re ready to down several six-PAX of boozey drinks! So… what we’re trying to say is… WE’RE GOING TO PAX THIS WEEKEND. And know what we want to do the most? Meet YOU, of course, both at our panel, and during a live, boozey recording of our stupid podcast, TalkRadar. So if you plan to be at gaming’s foremost celebratory celebration, then cure our crippling loneliness and come hang out with us. Please? We’ll be your best friends!*

See our schedule below!

*Genuine friendship not guaranteed.

Above: This is who will be there, only with less toppling over (we hope)

Saturday, 8 p.m.: Meet up with us at SEGA’s party at Gameworks** (1511 7th Avenue, Seattle, WA), which opens to the public at 8. We’ll (try to) record a live episode of TalkRadar, which you can participate in! Be famous!***

**18 and up, probably. It’ll fill up fast, so be there early!
***Fame is relative.

Sunday, 3 p.m. – 4 p.m.: Join us for our first-ever PAX panel, “Ask a Games Journalist,” in the Unicorn Theater. GR Executive Editor Brett Elston, Senior Editor Mikel Reparaz, and PC Gamer EIC Logan Decker will be answering audience questions about anything and everything related to the art of gams jarnlasm. Here’s the summary:

How do I get a job in the games industry? What college degree should I pursue? Are games journalists on the take? How can anyone give Heavy Rain a 7/10? Walk up to the mic and ask away – we’ve assembled a team of industry professionals who are ready to field your questions. BTW, the answers are: Show up, Doesn’t matter, No, we barely have enough money for soup and rent, and Because it’s a story-driven game with a crappy story.

Above: Hey shut up this is Brett… telling you to come to PAX. Please. (Please.)

In the event that any of this changes, we’ll update you via GamesRadar’s Twitter account, so be sure to follow us! We may add meet-ups as we go, as well. Plans are for squares, man!

Sep 1, 2010

GamesRadar – PS3 Latest Stories

The drought has ended. The desert has been crossed. Summer is over, and although that means the return of school for some, it also means the return of real game releases. For the last two months, we’ve had to settle and scour… this month, we finally get to play with the big boys.

Here’s what to look forward to in September. Which will you be buying?

Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions

Platform: 360, PS3, Wii, PC, DS
EU release: September 10

It’s been a couple years since the last solo Spider-Man game, and even though we really enjoyed Web of Shadows, the open world thing was getting a little old. So to change things up, Activision and developer Beenox are going with a more traditional, level-based action game, but with a twist. The regular, Amazing Spider-Man we all know and love must team up with three other Spideys in three other dimensions in an effort to save not just the universe, but the multiverse. Each dimension’s Spider-Man (Noir, 2099, Ultimate) has his own unique style, so it’s almost like four smaller Spider-Man games in one. 

We’ll have a review up next week, so check then to see how this Marvel team-up works out.

Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep

Platform: PSP
EU release: September 10

It’s not just you. It seems the entire gaming populace has been lukewarm to KH’s portable offerings when you compare their sales to the staggering amount copies moved by Kingdom Hearts I and II. You can state any theory as to why you wish, but it’s probably got a helluva lot to do with the fact that a series known for gorgeous imagery and memorable cutscenes currently has its benchmark set by a PS2 game almost five years old. That’s about to change.

In spite of being a prequel, Birth by Sleep is a worthy update of noble heart!
The PSP is more than capable of pulling of visuals that wow, and thematically, you’ll immediately notice that every level of resplendent Disneyana comes far closer to its animated counterpart. Not only that, Birth by Sleep has addressed KHII’s mashy and simplistic Keybladery and replaced it with one of the deepest combat systems you’re likely to find on a portable.

Batman: The Brave and the Bold

Platform: Wii, DS
EU release: September 24

Batman: The Brave and the Bold is an animated series on Cartoon Network that plays up the campier, kiddier, older style of Batman, but don’t dismiss it as a baby game. Sure, this in no Arkham Asylum or Dark Knight, but it is developed by Wayforward, makers of great, retro-flavored releases like Contra 4 and A Boy and His Blob. If anyone can make a side-scroller based around Batman and Robin teaming up with classic DC heroes exciting, it’s those guys.

It looks like it has a great sense of humor and some snazzy hand-drawn graphics to accompany the old school gameplay. After our most recent time with it, we’re looking forward to the final product.

Tom Clancy’s H.A.W.X. 2

Platform: 360, PS3, Wii, PC

From a distance, HAWX 2 looks, sounds and plays much like the original. That’s good, as the first was a delightful surprise and welcome competition to Namco’s Ace Combat series. We ran through some of the differences and additions in an earlier hands-on, so you can head there for a full account. HAWX is a bit edgier and GRAW-y than Ace Combat, so if that series has never gelled with you, consider giving Ubi’s take a shot. Also, this is the first time it’s appeared on Wii, so there’s that.

R.U.S.E.

Platform: 360, PS3, PC
EU release: September 10

RUSE attempts to take the RTS in a new direction, with an entire extra layer of deception as the central mechanic. Although it’s a real-world war simulation with non-sci-fi tanks, troops, etc., the ruses each player employs have a slightly arcadey bent to them. You can command radio silence to make your units invisible, deploy decoy units that appear real but are just wooden fakes, and a whole host of other sneaky maneuvers.

The game also has a weird hybrid interface of realism versus gaminess, with a standard map when you’re zoomed in that becomes almost a board game when you zoom out. We won’t know if the game underneath the central gimmick is solid until the 9/7 release, but we’re glad someone is trying a new approach to RTS gaming.

NHL 11

Platform: 360, PS3

The 20th “NHL” game from EA, believe it or not, features a lot of things which are “revolutionary” and “enhanced,” as every sports game does every year. Here are just a few of the features EA Sports is touting: a new physics engine with improved player reactions, enhancements to existing elements, such as face-offs and dekes, the ability to continue playing after breaking your stick (realistic! but also… yay?) and the inclusion of Canadian Hockey League’s Memorial Cup (non-Hockey nerds need not apply).

We could go on, but that’d just be a waste of everyone’s time. Sure, it’s possible that EA Sports will jump the shark this year, and produce something awful, or that it’ll blow us all away with its “revolutions,” but it’s much more likely that the NHL series will continue to be one of those never-gonna-hate-it staples for hockey fans. And with NHL 2K11 gone Wii exclusive this year, non-Wii-owning hockey fans don’t really have a choice. Go for the five-hole! (And other terms which suggest that we know what we’re talking about.)

Plants vs Zombies

Platform: XBLA

Are you sure you’re ready for this, 360 owners? You may plan on spending the entire month of September with Halo or Dead Rising, but that’s only because you have yet to partake in the drug that is Plants vs Zombies, a gore-and-gardening take on the tower defense genre from PopCap.

It’s both unbearably cute and surprisingly creepy. It’s both endlessly challenging and instantly accessible. It’s easily the most addictive game of the past few years – imagine Peggle times a thousand – and until now, you’ve been protected from it. Now you’ll be getting an HD version with new modes, new features and, yep, new Achievements. Now you’ll know why PC, Mac and iPhone gamers have been playing the same thing over and over again for sixteen months. Seriously, you might want to block some time off.

GamesRadar – PC Latest Stories

It’s been mentioned many a time how absolutely massive a deal the Dragon Quest game franchise is in Japan, but it’s still a bit hard to conceptualize until you see things like the amount and variety of merchandise available overseas.

Take this new line of Dragon Quest themed clothes and accessories, for example. The Dragon Quest for Girls + Artist line is sponsored by Japan’s Parco department store chain, and features numerous Dragon Quest-themed items created by up-and-coming fashion designers. The clothing is specifically designed for women with smaller sizes and female-form-fitting underwear, so tough luck if you’re a male wanting to flaunt your love of candy colors and adorable monsters – and somehow, we doubt anyone’s girlfriend will be willing to equip a Dragon Quest bra unless she just happened to be a huge gamer herself. But hey, there are still plenty of accessories available, including all sorts of pink-colored slimes.

If you want to browse the full selection (there’s quite a bit), as well as see a movie of the actual products on display, you can drop by the official Dragon Quest for Girls + Artist website. The fashions will be available in Parco’s massive Shibuya flagship store, but they’re also available for order online – provided you have a Japanese shipping address, of course. The prices are also quite high – especially considering the current yen/dollar exchange rate – but that’s also par for the course for Japanese fashion in general. Owning pink slime pajama pants? Priceless.

Aug 26, 2010

GamesRadar – PS2 Latest Stories

Today, rather than look at just one or two tracks from a given game, we’re going to really dive into the exhaustingly thorough F-Zero GX. Regardless of your musical preference, there’s bound to be something in the game’s 80-song soundtrack that pushes the right buttons. The mere fact there’s so much diversity in a futuristic racing game, including dozens of songs created just for the menu-obscured pilot profile area, earns this game a place in VGM history.

Pilot profile themes

Above: Pico’s theme, a kickass mix of electro-guitar madness

Above: The game’s villain, Black Shadow, slams your speakers with this industrial-strength dance blast

Above: Bio Rex drops the tech and goes for a KMFDM-esque guitar riff (plus lots of yelling)

Above: Prefer shredding guitars with screaming ’80s men? Billy’s theme is for you

Above: PJ starts off with an indie-rock sound, then abandons all sense and goes for a nutso jig vibe

Above: Michael Cain’s theme opts for a Tekken 3 sound, which we also happen to love

Above: Mrs Arrow is one of the handful of themes that also sports vocals. Dumb as hell, but so so catchy

Above: The end-all be-all of cheesy videogame music, Captain Falcon will always be my hero

Above: Need a mid-week pick me up? Put on Dr Stewart’s music and you’ll show up to work with glowsticks

Track themes

Above: The Lightning level would be right at home in any Matrix fight scene

Above: One of the most popular F-Zero tracks, remixed for 2003

Above: Fire Field is already a balls-out awesome song – now imagine screaming down a tube that’s suspended over a vat of fire and lava with it blaring out of your TV

I could go on and on, honestly. It’s all very arcadey and to many is extremely disposable music, but I’ve had this stuff on my iPod since iPods were invented. I couldn’t love the soundtrack more, which only adds to my similarly overwhelming affection for the game itself. Here’s a slick as shit racer, on GameCube, running 60 frames per second with 30 cars onscreen and some of the most intense track design in gaming history. How this hasn’t earned a Wii follow-up is utterly beyond me. Good news though – your Wii still plays GC games, so if you want a tough as hell (but hugely rewarding) racing experinece, there is nothing like F-Zero GX. The actual discs are pretty expensive these days, but it’s totally worth it considering how long you (potentially) could be listening to it.

Game music of the day: Mirror’s Edge
Still Alive by Lisa Miskovsky (SO GOOD)

Game music of the day: Prince of Persia
Healing Ground by Inon Zur and Stuart Chatwood

Game music of the day: Actraiser
Bloodpool by Yuzo Koshiro

GamesRadar – GameCube Latest Stories