GANGSTA RECOVERY

New domain???

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Mon, 31 Dec 2007 06:48:00 +0000

We are trying a new domain:

http://gangstarecovery.wordpress.com

We are in the process of transferrig and classifying the info as we speak!

Fully Concede....That we were Alcoholics...

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 04:32:00 +0000

"We learned we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics, this is the first step of recovery. The delusion that we are like other people or presently may be has to be smashed."

This passage came straight out of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous in Chapter 3 More About Alcoholism on the first page of the chapter. The entire chapter is about denial and how we, as alcoholics, were in constant denial about our condition. I know I was for a while. When they told me about the disease process while in treatment at Quapaw House in Hot Springs, Arkansas ( www.quapawhouseinc.org ) it changed my life.

The chapter also goes on to talk about, "...by every form of self deception and experimentation, we tried to prove ourselves exceptions to the rule therefore non alcoholic."

Then the chapter goes on to talk about all the ways in which we tried to stop drinking which was switching from liquor to beer, coke to heroin, speed to xtc, etc. The chapter More About Alcoholism also has the different ways in which we tried to believe the lie or the obsession.

In the top of the first paragraph in the chapter it talks about the Obsession, Illusion, Delusion, and Insanity. "The Great Obsession of every abnormal drinker is the persistence of this illusion is the delusion that we are like other people which leads to the insanity of the first drink."

Watch out I am hot tonight!

Check it out it is right there in the book. You can read the Big Book at www.aa.org check it out today!

The definition of Concede is to surrender.

Going to a meeting

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Wed, 26 Dec 2007 00:14:00 +0000

Tonight I am going to a meeting at Barely Legal the young peoples AA recovery group here in Little Rock. Also I get to meet with my sponsor later tonight and that will be cool. Just wanted to post what it is that I am doing for my recovery today.

www.aa.org

It's a Wonderful Life!!... In Recovery

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Tue, 25 Dec 2007 02:23:00 +0000

I work retail in the United States and the time leading up to and from Thanksgiving until Christmas is the craziest time of the year. Naturally I am in a leadership position at my place of employment. This year I wasn't able to get to as many meetings as I have in the past almost 2 years, and that amongst other issues made me a freakin mad man.

On top of all that I wasn't able to go teach the steps at the D. G. Dunsten Center in Mt. Ida to the fact that the kids get to go home and take a Christmas break from treatment. I can't believe you let a real alcoholic / dope fiend go home to use for the holidays, but they do it. Who really cares anyway. Let's get back o me (I'm not much but I'm all I think about), thank you.

http://dgd.quapawhouseinc.org/

I went to a meeting tonight at Cosmo's (a local Little Rock, Arkansas AA group) 5:30 meeting and it was a full moon for sure because there were some crazy's tonight. Just to let you know Cosmo is the ultra conservative rich man's AA in Little Rock they don't cuss out load, you know that type of person, very reserved. This lady from the ATL (Atlanta) walked in and took over! She read How it Works, and held the meeting hostage for quite some time while sharing.

However, without that it was a really good meeting for me because I haven't been to a meeting in a week and when I spoke with my Gangsta Recovery sponsor Edwin H. he made it clear that it was imperative that I make at least three (3) meetings a week! So that is what I am going to do... exactly what he says.

While sitting in the meeting I had a girl that I used to have sexual relations with on one side and my new sponsee (who is taking some action by the way) Ryan T.

My point with all this is that through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous I have found the best design for living that I have ever known. The second thing I have learned is that without the program of Alcoholics Anonymous I will not have that better than average retail job to work in the Holidays because everyday will be a Holiday. So through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous www.aa.org it really is a wonderful life this Holiday Season!

What Happened?????

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Sun, 23 Dec 2007 01:51:00 +0000

What happened to my life? I looked up at 28 years old living on the streets and having made quite a bit of money for my age, there was nothing left. I mean nothing. What happened? Where did I go wrong? Who did this to me?

Well I can say today that all those crazy questions have been answered and I have received the power as promised by my sponsor in Step #2 when I came into AA. www.aa.org (If you don't get help please get help somewhere!) Step #2 was when all I had to do was believe that this new way of life was going to be better than the way I was living. If you have any questions about how I was living please refer to the preceding blog entries if you have any questions. What do I have to do today?

The same thing that I did my third day in treatment, this morning I woke up hit my knees, read 86, 87, 88, of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I read a meditation. Today was as good or actually better than that third day in treatment at Quapaw House www.quapawhouseinc.org when I finally admitted I was powerless. I had already admitted my life was unmanageable by admitting myself into treatment and given up on my old ways.

The next thing that I had to do was to accept the disease process that was explained to me with the physical allergy and the mental obsession. The one thing that helped me the most was getting honest with myself and realizing that no one else did this to me except, me. That was a revelation in my life.

So what happened??? I have appeared to have recovered from a hopeless state of mind and body and my life seems really great today. However, I had to do some work such as the prayer and meditation, going to meetings, calling my sponsor, working the steps with my sponsor, and reading the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

3 parts to the 12th Step Blog

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Fri, 21 Dec 2007 01:00:00 +0000

The Twelfth step, “Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all of our affairs.” Taking a look at this step I have found it best to break it down into three parts. First the spiritual awakening for me has come about as the result of numerous spiritual experiences. These experience continue to happen daily as I work this program. The second part of carrying the message to alkies, we do this in multiple ways. Sponsorship, 12 step calls, sharing with others, and especially living the principles this program has laid out for us.

The third part: practicing these principles in all of our affairs. This is how we deal with the rest of the world. Especially at the holidays. Very few of my family members understand this disease I have. In some ways they are just as spiritually sick as I have been. The biggest struggle after over 28 months of sobriety is the relationship with my mother. She is so angry all the time, not with me but the rest of the world. This anger and resentment affects the entire family. She doesn’t realize the extent her negativity reaches. Through this program I have learned ways to cope with her. Just because I am sober doesn’t mean everything in my world will be roses. By God’s grace I don’t have to be drunk anymore and spun out just to deal with my family. The big book tells us we must treat people as if they were sick. We must carry the message if it is only by not reacting in a negative way, or in relapsing into old behavior. We can manufacture misery without putting one in us.

We are not responsible for our disease, we are however responsible for our recovery. A major part of this is how we treat our fellow man. Trying not to cause harm which the 12&12,on pg 80, defines as ”the result of instincts in collision, which cause physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual damage to people.” Every uncomfortable situation is an opportunity to grow, and to try “practice these principles in all of our affairs.”

by joseph m.

Run Over by A Honda in Compton

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 02:43:00 +0000

Early 2006 I was riding the Blue Line Metro Train in So Cal between the Long Beach Transit Mall Station and Compton stop. I was going to cop dope from my favorite dope dealer Bobby at the corner of Alondra and Willowbrook in front of the Happy Fish Market in Compton. The Happy Fish Market was one of the largest open air Black Tar Heroin Markets in Southern California. I am posting this on the internet because it is common knowledge in the world of real dope fiends.

I remember a sunny warm day in January riding my used white Huffy bike having just exited off the Blue Line and I jumped on the bike. I was deep in the mental obsession and by the way whenever I had a mental obsession that took over my entire life. It was misery. I jumped on my bike, peddled down the ramp, and took the right down Willowbrook Avenue. I distinctly remember taking this route so much that I knew the distance between the number of street lights versus the number of Stop signs, the Compton's Sheriff's Station location, Tom's Burgers, and Bunny's Liquor that was necessary for me to pass through in order to get to the Happy Fish Market. Ah yes fresh Black Tar Heroin!

When I reached the part of my journey where the Compton's Sheriff Station was at the cross walk all I remember was looking to the left and the right and seeing a rusty old burgundy 1993 Honda Accord to the right. The Obsession had me so bad all I could do is keep peddling because by this time I could already taste the first shot of the day in the back of my throat before I even had the dope in my dirty little hands.

The last thing I remember is the look on the woman's face behind the steering wheel of the rusty old burgundy 1993 Honda Accord before that piece of deadly tank metal ran me over. Not only did it run me over but the back tire totaled my used white Huffy bike. Not only did it total my bike but the pre junkyard car proceeded to drag me down the street for a half a block with the bike attached between my legs.

The crazy part of the story is that the rather large black woman who is looking at this stupid white boy dope fiend who is not only white in Compton but I had jumped out in front of her Honda, she ran me over, and it scared her half to death. She's screaming at me and I am really only bleeding on my knees, elbows, and had just hurt my foot a little. I looked her in the eye after she asked me if I was OK and said, " Look at me, How do you think I am!", picked up my now totaled used white Huffy bike and proceeded to walk down the street the final three block to get to my perceived heaven at the Happy Fish Market to cop my dope and quickly shoot it across the street behind the dumpster where Jessie the Mexican lived.... but that is another story for another day!

Thank God and I do mean THANK GOD for this new way to live because instead of this today after all the things that happened to me I am able to be a productive member of society through the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and the 12 Steps. So I will definitly keep coming back.

Blue Line Metro Map

What Did I Do????? Give Back!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 04:04:00 +0000

Today I hit my knees, read 86, 87, 88 of the Big Book if Alcoholics Anonymous, then I read a meditation. Also I spent time with one of my sponsee's that recently got 1 year clean and sober (congratulations Jay!). Also I mailed off the amends checks that I wrote last night.

Today I picked up Jay, his sponsee Tyler, and Lily and we went to the Deborah G. Dunsten Center and carried this message to those in need at the adolescent treatment facility in Mt. Ida.

At the time of this post (see below), I took the last call from Ryan (an old friend and new sponsee) and he is doing the deal so far. Time will tell and I believe that he want it this time.

By the way in Gangsta Recovery I don't sponsor too many people who are really doing the deal because I want to be able to at least donate 1-2 hours of personal time a week to each sponsee.

This is a good start to what should be a busy week but as stated before making time for the new man is essential to real deal, long term, serious, happy, joyous, and free type recovery.

Not just Spiritually Awake but WIDE Awake!

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Sun, 16 Dec 2007 05:32:00 +0000

This is a post to back up all that smack I talk all week on this blog about what are you doing for your recovery today.

Helping other's is an essential part of long term sobriety, yea that's right that happy, joyous, and free talk you hear about in the rooms of AA. www.aa.org

This is just one of the many things that I do most Sunday's out of the year.

Gangsta Recovery will be teaching the 12 Steps at the Deborah G. Dunsten Center in Mt. Ida, Arkansas. We will be making our weekly pilgrimage that began March 2007.

Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all of our affairs.

Tomorrow's topic of discussion will be Step 12...and carrying the message. Here's the point Step 12 is the new man's Step 2. These kids in treatment are the "new man" so to speak. Since I am spiritually awake and the program of action (AA's Program) was a gift that was so freely given to me, I must return the favor. I owe my life to this program and you can tell the people who really mean this kind of crazy talk because of their actions. Watch me. Not only am I spiritually awake I am WIDE AWAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!

More Amends This Week

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Sun, 16 Dec 2007 02:42:00 +0000

I have just written two more checks for my monthly December amends payments...

One for $40.00 to a buddy of mine in San Diego named Scot and another to a buddy of mine named John here in Little Rock for $150.00. I still owe Scot $962.00 and John $1600.00. So I am exactly where God wants me to be with these two (2) people.

Notice I used the word buddy or friend with each name because if you were my friend, buddy, or a recent acquaintance I was just about to stick it in your ass and take something from you. I shit on just about everyone I ever got ahold of. My purpose in life today is to go back to everyone of these individuals and MAKE IT RIGHT. Not only do I have to be willing but I must take the action set forth in steps 8-9 or it makes the rest of it all no good.

5 Types of Alcoholics from the Doctor's Opinion

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 04:13:00 +0000

These excerpts were taken from the Doctor's Opinion and in true Gangsta Recovery form are reprinted without the expressed permission of Alcoholics Anonymous www.aa.org. However, our motive is plain and simple to help people....

#1. The Psychopaths- They are over-remorseful and make many resolutions but never a decision

#2. Unwilling to admit he can not take a drink

#3. After being entirely free from alcohol for a period of time he can take a drink

#4. Manic Depressive type

#5. Then there are the types entirely normal in every respect except in the effect alcohol has upon them.

I like everybody else who reads the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous would like to think that they are the #5 type of alcoholic. However, this is not the case for most of us.

The most important part of this page is the second to the last paragraph in which it reads...

All these, and many others have one symptom in common: they cannot start drinking without developing the phenomenon of craving. This phenomenon as we have suggested, may be the manifestation of a allergy which differentiates these people, and sets them apart as a distinct entity. .... The only relief we have to suggest is entire abstinence.

AA's Birthday

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 01:31:00 +0000

June 10th, 1935 Dr. Bob Smith's sobriety date is the birthday of Alcoholics Anonymous. www.aa.org

Check out the website about Dr. Bob's Home @ http://www.drbobshome.org/

The Well Known Spree

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 03:28:00 +0000

Well Known Spree: A Drunken Bout

Why do they call it a well known spree because when we are on one it is Well Known throughout the community! Everybody remembers the alcoholic /addict individual they come in contact with when he or she is on one of these Well Known Sprees or a Drunken Bout.

What is Sobriety

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 03:03:00 +0000

Sobriety: state of mind characterized by happiness and freedom

My Personal Amends

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 02:39:00 +0000

The title of this blog is only as appropriate as how bad the author was and how badly he wants to as the Big Book says, ..."recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body...". The level of how spiritual someone is can be measured by how effectively they make amends.

The Big Book goes on to talk about in Steps 8 and 9 the fact that, The spiritual life is not a theory, we have to live it. So how are you living it today and what have you done for your recovery.

This is how I am living spiritually today: This morning I hit my knees and read 86, 87, 88 of the Big Book with a meditation (see Prayer/Meditation), I called my sponsor and checked in, I took my sponsee's calls, and I just made out an amends check.

An amends is to make something right. Today I wrote an amends check for $50.00 to Mark P. in Boston, Mass. whom I still owe (on this bill) $950.00. This is December's payment to Mark.

I don't know the kinds of things you did, but I sold dope, really hurt people, and physically/verbally abused, as well as used, every woman I ever dated (no sex for me this year....with only 3 months to go, but I'll go into the sex instinct later)

Today I sent off a check to Mark P. a guy that I owe money to in Boston, Mass. and I am sending him $50.00 in a check and my new balance that I owe him is $950.00.

I'll post more about my personal amends and the various way that I am making them each month as this blog continues.

For me this is still life in death, baby, it is Gangsta Recovery.

One View on The Doctor's Opinion

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Tue, 11 Dec 2007 02:44:00 +0000

The little doctor who loved drunks, Dr. William Duncan Silkworth, is the first doctor in history to not only label alcoholism a disease but to address it as mental and physical.

The Physical Allergy as he writes in the Doctor's Opinion in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous p. XXVIII and he says,

" We believe, and so suggested a few years ago, that the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy; that the Phenomenon of Craving is limited to that class and never occurs in the average temperate drinker. These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all; and once having formed the habit and found that they can not break it, once having lost their self confidence, their reliance on things human, their problems pile up on them and become astonishingly difficult to solve."

Without this man I may never have figured out my problem and that is that my body was sick and my mind was sick. Hence the Physical Allergy and Mental Obsession terminology was finally accurately described.

Unmanageable

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Tue, 11 Dec 2007 02:34:00 +0000

Unmanageable: unable to manage or control

"Admitted we were Powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become Unmanageable."

Stories from Tijuana...Episode 1...Welcome to Tijuana

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 23:22:00 +0000

When I was 19 my dad sent me to school out in Carlsbad, California. A young lad from Arkansas like myself was so excited to be living in Southern California and I couldn't wait to get all tore up. However, being 19 I couldn't go out to bars in Southern Cali but I could party my butt off in Tijuana, Baja California, Mexico.

The first time to party there I had such a good time that I continued to travel there for almost 10 years. I could score anything I ever wanted there and I almost died a few times! Fun stuff! My first time in TJ (we called it TJ for short) I had a crazy Mexican grab my head pull it back and shove 3 shots of tequila down my throat while he was blowing a whistle in my face. I LOVED THAT MADNESS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So back for more I went a few times a year, TJ was like my adult Disneyland. I had sex with more hookers in El Zona Norte than most normal people eat Taco Bell in a year!

So occasionally as I remember some of the crazy stories from this God forsaken place I will post them periodically. Thank God for Tijuana and thank God for the steps or the last time I was there I almost died for the 3rd time.

My father occasionally reminds me of the fact that it was back in January 2006 when the Policia (Mexican Police) had me detained and the Mexican Embassy was calling him at his work scarring all the employees.

AA got me away from all that sh#t and showed me how to live life in the real world and not a Mexican Prison getting plugged from behind by Paco. Thank God for AA! and the 12 Steps that really saved my life!

Did You Pray/ Meditate this Morning?

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 15:23:00 +0000

Prayer and meditation is an essential to any strong recovery program. This is the main cornerstone or building block that should be solid in order to maintain long term sobriety. It is a principle on which everyone can and should build a new life. This morning I hit my knees and read 86,87,88, of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and then I read a meditation. If you want to see the prayer I did this morning click on the following link and check it out.

See Prayer and Meditation

See Big Book: @ www.aa.org

The 5 Basics of Recovery

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 04:13:00 +0000

1. Prayer / Meditation

This morning I hit my knees, read 86, 87, 88, of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I read a meditation.

2. Meetings

Go to as many meetings as possible and do a "90 in 90", 90 meetings in 90 consecutive days, one each day. I still go to meetings.

3. Sponsor

Get a sponsor. The biggest lie a newcomer can tell his or herself is that they will be alright if everyone would just leave them the hell alone and sponsor themselves. I have a sponsor, and still call my sponsor everyday. Also I sponsor other men.

4. 12 Steps

Work the steps with the sponsor, don't bull shit yourself and tell yourself that you can do this on your own, it is simply impossible. I worked the 12 Steps with a sponsor and I help my sponsee's work the 12 Steps because it was freely given to me.

5. Read the Big Book

Everyday I read the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and everyday I continue to learn and discover new things about myself. So READ THE BOOK!!!!!!

These are the things that I still do on a daily basis to counteract the disease of alcoholism and addiction that centers in my mind. I am just one hit away from that madness!

Power To Show Tolerance Toward All

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 01:45:00 +0000

For one lacking Tolerance it is an admirable quality in those that practice it. How can it be possible for someone lacking tolerance to gain this quality. This is very simple. All that is required is to give up on our way of showing tolerance and trying a new way.

For those with more experience it is said that only a Power Greater than Ourselves can cause us to be more tolerant. To obtain this power you will need certain tools such as willingness and open-mindedness. Willingness to take certain action like prayer, and open-mindedness to believe their is a Creator to hear your prayer.

When we take action and pray for knowledge of obtaining tolerance we make use of our tools. This is not an overnight process and takes a commitment of going through certain steps. When we simply start taking action we begin to put on a new personality and sense freedom.

Jay M-
Little Rock, Arkansas

Special K: One of My Favorites

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Sun, 09 Dec 2007 03:20:00 +0000

At my peak usage of this drug I was consuming a minimum of 10 bottles of Ketamine a day, like the ones that are pictured in this blog. Each bottle represented about a gram of powder give or take. (The Ketaset pictured above actually makes 1.25 grams per bottle) If there are thirty (30) days in a month I was ingesting 300 grams of Special K or Ketamine a month. That is more than a quarter Kilo of this psychedelic substance that I was ingesting a month when the rave scene was at its peak.

I guess I had a high tolerance.

That is but in addition to Ketaset I did Ketajet, Ketamina Chiminova, Ketamine 2000, and Tokyo Ketamine. Not to mention all the ecstasy, GHB, weed, coke, and meth I was smoking at the time. So about seven years ago I was a little messed up.

I stayed in a K-Hole and had more out of body experiences than most regular people breathe in a single day.

The DEA used my testimony and expertise about the drug to assist in the re scheduling of the substance from a Schedule III to a Schedule I.

Today I am totally clean and sober (still real crazy) but this proves in this specific instance that if I can quit so can you. AA, the 12 Steps, my sponsor, and obviously God is the reason I am clean & sober today.

Honesty, Being Honest

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Sun, 09 Dec 2007 03:10:00 +0000

Honesty: not lying, cheating, or stealing, fair and upright, not hiding one's true nature

Powerless

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Sun, 09 Dec 2007 03:07:00 +0000

Powerless : destitute of power, unable to accomplish an effect, without authority

the Problem

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Sun, 09 Dec 2007 02:54:00 +0000

Problem : A perplexing question demanding settlement, especially when difficult or uncertain of solution, also any puzzling circumstance in life

See Solution