Garbage Bag Is Dead

That's four in a row for Randie

2009-12-28T16:30:53Z

Although he was officially eliminated from Overlord contention this weekend, Randie's rolling, while my teams are limping to the finish line. I went a shameful 0-4, and Randie wins his fourth straight writeup by virtue of Cleveland's win over A Team That Shall Not Be Named. The Saints are finding creative ways to lose now, not only dropping their second straight game, but doing so AT HOME to the lowly, bagbet-bound Tampa Bay Butt Pirates. Yikes.

This is a double-defeat for yours truly as the Cleveland win also clinched a repeat win for Randie in the side bet, even though his Dolphins got donkey punched by Houston. Let's hope Miami's schedule is a bit more exotic next year.

At least I won a championship in fantasy football! I think the trophy is going to be sweeter than the pot.

The Week 15 Blues

2009-12-23T18:36:58Z

A little older. A little fatter. Still as dumb as last year.

They say the blues were born on the Mississippi. We were not on the Mississippi, we were in Nashville on the Cumberland River which, in a six degrees to Kevin Bacon kind of way, is connected to the mighty Mississippi. I'm sure some blues cooties made their way over to the country music capital of the world. It was a bad weekend for yours truly. Well, not the entire weekend, just Sunday. No I didn't end up in prison or get into a fight or anything serious like that. Let me explain:

This was the weekend for the Second Annual Side Bet Payoff. As you may remember, last year I took Lenny over to Kansas City to watch a Raiders vs. Chiefs game. This year I won the bet and decided on seeing the Dolphins vs. the Thumbtacks in Nashville with the AFC wildcard in the balance. We rushed out of Manhattan late Friday afternoon and literally ran through the airport to catch our flight. What we didn't know was that the flight was delayed which was neither indicated on any website nor on any signage in the Continental terminal. No biggie, two large sized full flavored Buds later and we were on our way. We landed in Nashville and deposited our crap in the downtown Marriott, conveniently located in the heart of the action and a mere minutes walk from LP Field. Lenny took a second to plan our crawl for the evening and away we went.

First stop was Beer Sellar, a basement sports bar (notice the clever play on seller vs. cellar) at the tail end of the downtown action. Despite the seemingly endless beers on tap, the $2 PRB pounders were hard to pass up. We met a really friendly guy named Anthony (but he asked us to call him Cincinnati) who was chatting us up for awhile. He told us about his stints in prison and how he's holding up with his cuz. Lenny and I knew where this was heading when he told us he hadn't paid for a drink all night. Unfortunately for Cinncy we moved on without buying him a drop! I mean come on? You trying to hustle a couple of New Yorkers??? Seriously? The highlight of this drinking establishment was this awesome pics Lenny snapped of some dude passed out while taking a leak.

Pressing on we ended up a pool hall named Buffalo Billiards (again, very clever name) where Lenny housed me at some 8 ball on pretty terrible Olympic sized tables. The only strange thing about this place was that a client of mine recognized the company T-shirt I was wearing. I was getting a little bleary so I just pressed past him in a 'very proud of you' kind of way.

The rest of the night is kind of a blur. We're not sure what happened but we swore we went to one more bar then home. It was an Irish bar and I can't recall the name. Somewhere along the line we took this pic and the rest is real shady thanks to brother Jamie. Yep, that looks like a proper end of the night pic. The very next day as we were looking for a spot to break our fast, we walked by Legends. Then it clicked! This was the last bar and where that shot (and pic) came from! Well that mystery was solved but there were a couple more that were baffling us. I woke up in the morning and all of the contents of my suitcase were strewn across the hotel room. Not just dumped on the floor but thrown from corner to corner! I must have been looking for something at the bottom. Then I noticed that the night table that sat between our beds was soaking wet and consequently so was everything on it. I did the smell check first but no, no odor so no bathroom breaks there. One of my socks was on the table and it was soaked. We later surmised that the sock must have been the culprit. How it got wet and then to the table will remain unsolved. I spent that morning drying my knicky knacks with a hair dryer.

Saturday was spent acquiring materials and allowing our crafty sides to come out. We loaded up on booze for game day and procured a cheap styro-foam cooler. Of course I had to make another cheesy handle, this time out of a plunger. Check out the sequence! The other business of the day was making our 'I won a bet, I lost a bet' signage. After browsing around the tourist store we decided it would be best to do it on tacky Nashville license plates.

Saturday night we met up with Sarah's friend Susan at Joe's Crab Shack and proceeded to chow down on some buckets full of shellfish. We usually like to do it up for at least one meal on this trip. I had the All Bay Pot, wrought with snow crabs and clams while Lenny went overboard with the Double Lobster Pot. Fortunately for Susan and me he was unable to complete the task so we helped ourselves to some leftover lobster. After dinner we went back to the Beer Sellar to watch the Cowboys vs. Saints game. I was supposed to root for the Saint's 'cause Lenny's wifey was in NO watching her boys save the '72 Dolphins' perfect record. This was the beginning of my blues. Without going into too much detail, the Saints shit the bed. I had Brees and Thomas going for my playoff fantasy team and I got a whopping 7 points combined. I had a feeling things would be bad. Not bad bad, NFL bad. Just when I was feeling blue, a Christmas miracle happened! An improptu Santacon made their way into the Bar. They were all so jolly and drunk. It made the night so much fun what with all the candy canes and magnum sized trojans they were handing out. I'm not 100 percent sure what happened after that bar. I think we hit a couple more and got some more eats. Somewhere along the way we met up with the 16th president for a pint! We then wrapped it all up at a really hot establishment called Tootsie's until they kicked us out at 4:00 am.

Wake up Lenny! It's Game Day!

We woke up and rode over to the stadium. It was pretty dead in the parking lot. Lenny asked where we should set up shop. I looked around and said, "How about over there buy those Jack Daniels tents"? This turned out to be one of the best tailgates ever! I can't give away too much because I promised the proprietor his anonymity but we had full stocked bar, a cauldron of jambalaya, sausages, chips, you name it. Not to mention an awesome group of Titans fans. They welcomed us in to their circle with open arms and absolutely loved our silly little side bet story. A big thanks to our hosts and to the friends we made there. Our 50 yard line seats were dope. The fans around our section were not so. I looked around at the beginning of the game and noticed that we were the only two people with beer. Bad sign. Some guys walking past me knocked my beer over before the game started and of course it got all over the ground below the people in front of us. They were a little miffed. I wasn't overly impressed with the stadium. It looked like a small college venue and maxed out at about 60k with a lot of empty seats. I did like the downtown location, however. So game on and my Fish played like dookie. All game long the Thumbtacks scored at will. Henne's three picks didn't help. It was pretty depressing yet we pressed on. The Fish scored here and there and started to get back into it. We finally tied it up in the 4th which was awesome! In our jubilation we accidentally knocked over Lenny's beer and the people in front of us freaked the fuck out! One extremely agitated douche actually called us assholes! Can you imagine? It's late in the 4th quarter! We're probably going to overtime! Why would you think we'd intentially knock over our own beer. Have you no appreciating for the value of cervaza at this point in the game especially considering that beer sales ended almost a quarter ago? Jeez. I guess that's the problem with 50 yard lines seat.. lots of yuppies and people who aren't really interested in the game at all. It seemed more like a social engagement to them. The fancy woman in front of us didn't even think our silly little side bet story was cute. She kind of looked at me like I was the dumbest person on the planet. A note to all you Volunteer State yuppies: don't judge a book by it's cover! Just because we spilled beer on the bottom of your shoes doesn't make us douchebags! Ok we are douchebags but not for that reason! The ridiculous part was that at the beginning of overtime these monkeys started piling out of the stadium! HA! So overtime begins, we get the ball, we throw a pick, they drive 10 yards, they kick a field goal, they win, I'm already angry, now I get more angry, I can't wait to get out of the stadium and take it out on our cooler.

The End!

Happy Holidays Baglovers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS. As a last thought, if you haven't seen this on facebook then check it out. This is a brother's revenge on his siter for getting him grounded for having beer in his room. Im so glad the intarweb wasn't around when i was in high school.

http://www.geekologie.com/2009/12/boy_gets_revenge_on_sister_via.php

Week 14: Baggage???? We don't need no stinking Baggage???

2009-12-14T21:41:05Z

Lenny and I both went 2-2 this weekend but I get the write up on one measly point. I had it last week on points but I Set Sail for Fail and didn't get a write up in. Actually I was out of town on vacation last week and didn't really care about giving you any stinking baggage!!!!!!! My sincerest apologize to all you baglovers out there. I just want to inform you that I will not be speaking about that thing that's clogging the media right now. I was over it on day two. Now that that's out of the way, I will talk about some stinking baggage!!!!

It's pretty much a done deal. I'll be in the sack. Despite some recent improvement, my squads just can't keep up with the Saints. Without them Lenny's got bupkis. I've been doomed since that fateful day in the Toronto Airport. The foreskins have been on the precipice of getting their shit together for a few weeks now but they've been falling short. Sadly, their ship righted at the expense of the Raiders Sunday. Not sadly for me, I don't really give a shit. Sad for you know who, who has been having a bad couple of football weeks. Hopefully our little jaunt down to Nashville this weekend will cure what ails. As payoff for our side bet, Lenny is taking me to watch a Dolphins vs. Titans game down south and I can't wait to be that guy! Well wouldn't Lenny be that guy since he will be wearing a jersey from a non-participant? I can't believe it's already here. It's especially sweet going down there with the playoffs on the line for the almighty Fish. I assure you next week's write up will be wrought with Volunteer shenanigans including the I won a bet, I lost a bet signage and the ever popular home made cooler handle. My liver is so excited that we decided NOT to pregame in Vegas before the trip. I only hope I can raise my arms in victory just like Lenny did last year. Anyway, aside from the Redskins beat down of the Raiders, the Shitstain Browns demonstrated not how far they've come as a franchise this year, because let's face it, they still suck, but rather how awful Pittsburgh has become. They're terrible. I'm so glad I don't have any Shittsburgh fantasy players this season (Red). The Jags continued their jeckll and hyde season dropping a nail-biter to the Dolphins (teehee) but at 7-6 are still in the hunt for a wild card spot. I think the real source of my demise is the Crapalo Bills. They barely got by the hapless Chiefs in a Lenny masturbation game, giving them a whopping five wins on the year. Both the Lions and Rams got blown up sir by the Ravens and Titans respectively. The only other bag action was, of course the Saints eeking out a W over division rival Hotlanta. I reckon I'm still mathematically in it but at seven games back with twelve games to go it's looking grim. However I'm not going all Randy Moss on the season just yet. I'm not scurred of the bag. I just wish we could have had a payoff from last year. I for one was looking forward to face painting for the first time and Lenny, well he owes a ride in the garbage bag of love for 2008.

Week 15 Bag Action: There will be a lot of HATE

Indianapolis @ Jacksonville, Thursday 8:20 pm

Start or sit em? That's the question on everyone's mind this week as the fantasy playoffs begin for most of us. Caldwell says healthy starters will play. Not sure what that means exactly. I don't know why but I have a strange feeling that Jax could pull this one out. They're playing for their playoff lives and are at home which is the only place they can win. MJD's looking a bit run down and Indy's pass defense has been shaky.

Dallas @ New Orleans, Saturday 8:20 pm

Similarly, Dallas has the ability to take it to the Saints this week. Unfortunately they're playing like butt and have a terrible track record in December. If they want the playoffs they need a win here.

New England @ Buffalo, Sunday 1:00 pm

I think Buffalo is going to feel the wrath of Belichick. There's been a lot of league smack about the Patriots shitty play of late (which I haven't minded). Couple that with the fact that both the Fish and Jets are biting at their heels and you got yourself a beat down of the Bills.

Arizona @ Detroit, Sunday 1:00 pm

Zona embarrassed the crap out of themselves Monday night. Here they are on the verge of clinching the division and they barely showed up. Seven turnovers??? Well Detroit is the panacea to all poor performances.

Cleveland @ Kansas City, Sunday 1:00 pm ***BAG MATCHUP

Completely meaningless game. Go Browns! One way or another, the Browns are going to the Super Bowl this weekend.

Houston @ St. Louis, Sunday 1:00 pm

Who's is this Null guy? That might be the worst football name ever.

NY Giants @ Washington, Monday 8:30 pm

The Giants need this more but I'd be scurred of the Foreskins if I were them.

Potential 2010 Bag Roster

NFC East - Washington Redskins
NFC North - Detroit Lions
NFC South - Tampa Bay
NFC West - St. Louis
AFC East - Buffalo Bills
AFC North - Cleveland Browns
AFC South - Tennessee Titans or Houston Texans
AFC West - Kansas City Chiefs

The Raiders better thank their lucky stars that the Chiefs suck so bad. 6 out of the 8 bag teams will be repeats from 2009. Thank baby jesus there aren't any potential Saints in this lineup. Actually wait! I have the first pick so i'd want a Saints!! I'm not sure who the hell I'd pick first from that mess.

In baseball news, MLB announced that the Yankees will open the 2010 season in Fenway on Sunday, April 4 at 8 pm. Too bad it wasn't a home game so they could watch us get our rings! Maybe we'll wait until our first home series against those douche rockets to do the honors. Actually, nope, we have this little thing called class and when you have as many world series championships as we do you don't need to rub opponent's noses in it. I felt fantastic about the first big offseason move made by the Yankees in acquiring Granderson. Everyone loves this guy so I'm excited about his clubhouse presence. The Red Sucks overpaid for a Lackey and if things go as planned, we won't have to face Doc Holiday a million times a year anymore.

Last but certainly not least, both Lenny and I have made the playoffs in one of our Fantasy Leagues. A special congratulation to Lenny for his first playoff appearance ever in that league. We don't face each other in the first round but it would be quite interesting if we met in da Supa Dupa Bowl.

Later Bags!

ps. I thought this article was awesome. What do you do when the douche next door goes all Griswald on his Xmas decorations every year?

Ditto

pss. Our trip to disney was awesome. Sarah had never been (technically she was there as a munchkin but got an ear infection and couldn't partake) so I felt it was my duty to escort her into the wonderful world of Eisner.

YAY Teacups! Whoa too fast!!!!

I finally got my wish and rode on a speeder bike (sorry I didn't have time to photoshop out the stands).

Yes that is two, count em, two flights of tequila we consumed along with some ritas at a Mexican cantina in Epcot.

Week 12: Tryptophandom

2009-12-01T16:44:32Z

Welcome back from the holiday, baglovers. I hope Thanksgiving found everyone happy and healthy. Thanksgiving is a great holiday for NFL fans, as we traditionally get two games, albeit crappy ones (this year, we were treated to three terrible games - yay!). Yours truly spent the holiday stuffing his face full of turkey and pie while watching his Raiders shit the bed against wifey's Cowboys. Grumble.

Watching your team give up big play after big play is even worse when your dickhead brother-in-law is sitting next to you on the couch rooting for the other team just to be an asshole. There should be some sort of code for when this happens (and it happens way too often) - if you're in a room full of a particular team's fans watching their game, and you don't give a shit either way, you should at best be entitled to a punch in the face for openly (or worse, loudly) rooting against that team and at worst expulsion from the event. Fuck people who do this - it makes you a douche, case closed.

That game spoiled the debut of my new Howie Long jersey too. Goddamn Cowboys.

Other than that Turkey Day debacle, though, it was a pretty damn good weekend for me. The TSA filled me with warm and fuzzy feelings of safety after seeing the sign on the left at the security checkpoint at LaGuardia - I can see how those damn snow globes could be a real and tangible threat! - before my flight into Ft. Lauderdale to spend Thanksgiving Day with the family. Unfortunately, I couldn't stay the weekend (and possibly make the Florida/Florida State football game in Gainesville) because the return flights were so expensive. So, like I usually do, I found a way to turn a positive into a negative - it just so happened that the (then)unranked Gators basketball team was playing #2 Michigan State at the Legends Classic in Atlantic City. Big-time college basketball + gambling + pounders on the 2-hour bus ride from NYC? Sign me up!

The seats didn't disappoint, and neither did the Gators. After a seesaw affair in which no team led by more than 7 points, the underdog Gators came back late in the second half. Erving Walker delivered an NBA-range 3 to take the lead for good with 1:56 to play, and Florida sealed the win from the line, going 22-of-25 for the game. The Michigan State fans (unruly bastards that they were) walked out with their heads hung as we taunted them which chomps, and UF went on to beat Rutgers for the tournament championship the next night. Congratulations, and welcome to the national rankings, Gators!

After some Jameson shots, beers, more shots, gambling, more shots, McDonald's, and a 6-pack of Miller Lite "to go" from a bar across from the bus terminal, Jason and I headed back to NYC, beat but enjoying the afterglow of a huge win. We got back about 5am, but no rest for the weary - I had to get up and get hyped for the big rivalry game the next day. Of course Tim Tebow and the Gators football team took care of business, spanking those stupid Semis 37-10 (although the game was really never that close). Tebow went out in style, accounting for all five TDs (3 pass, two run) as UF beat F$U for the sixth straight time. Superman and the Gators now gear up for this weekend's 1-vs-2 showdown in Atlanta for a spot in the BCS Championship... and of course I'll be there. If it's anything like 2006 or 2008, it'll be crazy, and I'll come back with some stories (and pics too). Hopefully none of my stories end like this argument gone bad in Gainesville Saturday night (hey Ryan, GBID alums are baggers, not fighters!).

As for the bag games, I picked up two more big victories to Randie's none, further cementing my status as Overlord-in-waiting. The weekend was even sweeter because my bag team beat Randie's Dolphins in the site bet, and of course it's awesome that the Saints absolutely ROLLED the Patsies in New Orleans last night. Let's talk about the games!

Green Bay 34, at Detroit 12: Matt Stafford and his busted hinge was a surprise start for the Lions, and Daunte Culpepper was none too pleased about it. Whatever Daunte, you felch goats and should have been out of football two years ago. Aaron Rodgers picked the Lions D apart, and Stafford threw four picks. These teams have met 19 times on Thanksgiving, and I bet every one of those games sucked about as much as this one did.

NEXT WEEK: at Cincinnati Cincy had a tougher time than expected with the Shitstains this week, but I expect this to be Yet Another loss for Randie. The Bengals are a playoff team, and Detroit is, well, Detroit.

Miami 14, at Buffalo 31: Ryan Fitzpatrick seems to think TO is a pretty good player, and has made him his favorite target recently. The result is a bit of a resurgence by the Bills, who are now 4-7 and threatening to become my second-best team (albeit by a large margin). They beat Chad Henne and Zee Poisonous Fish on the strength of four picks, including three by Henne and one by Ricky "Budsmokers Only" Williams. Ricky did get over 100 yards for the third straight game, but it wasn't enough to win.

NEXT WEEK: NY Jets Big AFC East game for both teams next week. With the Patsies loss, only three games separate first place and last in the division, with the Jets and Fish tied one game back. It's really anyone's division to win.

Cleveland 7, at Cincinnati 16: This game should not have been this close. The Shitstains were in it until Brady Quinn threw a pick with 2 minutes to go, in part because they shut down the Bengals' previously prolific passing game. Cincy was able to throw up 200+ yards on the ground and control the clock, but that's nothing new against the league's 3rd-worst rushing defense. Man, this team really sucks.

NEXT WEEK: San Diego Oof, bitchslap of the week candidate here. Just brutal.

Washington 24, at Philadelphia 27: Ugh. Wow. Has any team ever beaten themselves (notice I wrote team) more consistently than this Washington team does? For the second straight week, the Foreskins snatched defeat from the jaws of victory, just as they have countless times before this season. Washington is running on empty, with their 3rd-string RB and their CFL quarterback. See you back in this space next year, boys.

NEXT WEEK: New Orleans ***** BAG GAME ***** Randie will be playing with himself next week. Pencil in 12-0 for NO. At least he gets a win.

Seattle 27, at St. Louis 17: I hate to say it, but St. Louis might be worse than Cleveland. Their scoring differential is worse, and their QB situation is definitely worse (but Cleveland is pretty much in the toilet in both total offense and total defense, so go figure). Seattle is not a good team but won in the dome rather easily. Steven Jackson, meet Marshall Faulk.

NEXT WEEK: at Chicago SHUDDER! Both these teams are horrendous. Chicago is a major disappointment. Jay Cutler is a major disappointment (and a major douche). It's going to be cold in the Windy City, so my advice to Bears fans is to bring plenty of booze if you're going to catch this snooze-fest in person. Might as well black out.

Kansas City 14, at San Diego 43: The Chiefs had really been playing better, but now they've gone and turned back the clock. Matt Cassel looks like Steve DeBerg all of the sudden. Philip Rivers, the league's #2 douche to Cutler, had the Chargers up 7-0 before I even realized the game was on, and it just got uglier from there. After a season split with the Raiders, the bag team rep from the AFC West could very well come down to a tiebreaker once again.

NEXT WEEK: Denver What's to say? Josh McDaniels finally got a win this week, but bookended the win with a war of words against a rival player and an appearance on TV dropping F-bombs. I hate Denver, and this guy is obviously a tool, but at least he doesn't seem to give a shit. Still, you're obviously a cock when you tell a player on another team that you "own" them after you've beaten them exactly one time. Anyway, the Donkeys haven't fared well in late-season games in KC for the last several years, so maybe I can pull out another win here.

Jacksonville 3, at San Francisco 20: Thanks a lot, Maurice Jones-Drew, for conspiring with your shitbag teammates to lose me my fantasy game by a measly 6 points. All you had to do was score ONE time and I'd have been home free. You fuckers. I hate you and your stupid uniforms. I hope all the rest of your games are blacked out too, and that someone else drafts Tim Tebow.

NEXT WEEK: HOUSTON Houston is another team that shit the bed this week. Andre Johnson could have won me my fantasy game too, but no! Neither of these cities gives a flying fuck about this game, and I don't either. Buncha fucktards.

And last but not least, the supposed "game of the week"......

New England 17, at New Orleans 38: Wow, what a total and utter beatdown. Drew Brees continued his superhuman play with five TDs, and Tom Brady threw two picks and was held without a TD pass for the first time since who the fuck knows when. Here's how dominant the Saints were: they averaged 9.6 yards PER PLAY. Brees's passer rating was a perfect 158.3. He averaged 16.1 yards per passing ATTEMPT. I mean, holy shit! On the other side, Darth Belichick continued his unthinkable run of boneheaded play calls, going for it on 4th and 4 from HIS OWN 10 YARD LINE in the 3rd quarter. Seriously? Are you this much of a cockknocker that you think this is a good idea? When did Bill Belichick turn into Rich Kotite?

NEXT WEEK: at Washington ***** BAG GAME ***** Let's go Wizards! Who dat? Who dat?

That's it for now kids. Hope you enjoyed it. Back with more next week. Until then, may the bag toll for thee........

Thanksgiving is for Turkeys!!!!

2009-11-25T16:17:40Z

Week 11

Happy Turkey's Eve Baglovers! I hope you're all getting ready for a fun filled long weekend full of stuffed birds and bellies, long tryptophan naps and bad football as only the Lions and Cowboys can bring you.

Unfortunately this is going to be a quickie. Unlike most New Yorkers, I'll be here at work well into the evening and I got some family coming into town so I need to get the hell out. As you may have noticed I narrowly missed gaining some ground on Lenny last week. His Chiefs stunned Shittsburg in OT! Discarded Charger and former Dolphin Chris Chambers took a pass 61 yards in OT to set up the winning score. Then my dum dum Foreskins couldn't manage a single TD yet again against Tony and the Cowboys from Homo Hell. So I still sit 5 games back but hey, you never know. It's easier to hain ground when you have four teams in the bag pool (except for the fact that they are BAG teams).

I passed on watching MNF this week for attending The Pixies show at Hammerstein. Awesome show. They sounded great for a bunch of old people. The fans??? Not so great. Arguably the biggest pussy crowd I've ever seen at a rock concert. I saw more hot crowd action at a Sigor Ros show at Radio City. Sarah and I were getting major dirty looks from pretty much everyone as we tried to push our way to the front. At one point we stopped and this girl grabbed Sarah's arm and told her that she was too tall to stand in front of her. Um too fucking bad. The guy behind me said I was obstructing his view. Once again, too fucking bad. Last time I checked this was a rock and roll show you morons. Definitely not the crowd I'm used to. As they kicked into Debaser, I scanned the crowd and noticed not only was no one singing along... they all kind of just stood there with their arms folded. Not even a head bob. I only know a handful of their songs but even if I didn't I'd still be into it. Then I also noticed that these were kids... worse than kids... hipsters... no wait, worse than hipsters... wanna be hipsters. Nothing is worse than wanna be hipsters I tell you. Regardless, we endured and enjoyed the show. They played some B-sides, all of Doolittle and two encores. Hot.

Week 12 Matchups!!!!!!

Green Bay @ Detroit, Thursday 12:30 PM

Stafford showed a lot of heart in that thriller against the Shitstains last week. Now he's out and in comes Mr. Culpepper.

Miami @ Buffalo, Sunday 1:00 PM

New coach, new QB same result. Dolphins victory.

Washington @ Philly, Sunday 1:00 PM

Daniel Snyder needs to be banned from the NFL. He's bringing bad luck to a storied franchise.

Seattle @ St. Louis, Sunday 1:00 PM

Bulger's hurt again? That guy needs to call it already.

Cleveland @ Cincinnati, Sunday 1:00 PM

C'mon shitstains!!

Kansas City @ San Diego, Sunday 4:05 PM

Jacksonville @ San Francisco, Sunday 4:05 PM

New England @ New Orleans, Monday 8:30 PM

The battle of the "New"s. I'm once again praying for a high scoring affair. Unlike most weeks I'm actually pulling for the (gulp) Pats to hand the Aints their first loss both both the integrity of the dolphins undefeated '72 season and of course my Bag chances.

Gotta Run

Gobble gobble.

Down to the wire in Week 11

2009-11-23T01:04:22Z

What a week in the NFL. Not only did we both go 2-2, but Randie's bag teams scored a whopping 99 points to my 93. His masturbation game turned into a shootout that Detroit won on a rare untimed play, and the Jags came back to beat Buffalo in the last minute as well. Kasnsas City came up with an upset win at home against reeling Pittsburgh, and Washington snatched defeat from the jaws of victory in Big D.

If St. Louis could have managed one more TD in the late game, I'd have won another write-up.

To top it off, both of our favorite teams won in the side-bet - how 'bout those Raiders?!?!

Looking forward to this week's banter Randie, it's been a while since we've heard from you...

Bag Games Highlight Week 11 Schedule

2009-11-20T22:14:06Z

What's up baglovers!

We've got some bet-changing matchups on tap this week .....

Buffalo @ Jacksonville ***** BAG GAME *****

Buffalo fired a guy named Dick and hired a guy named Perry. Nice job cornholes.

And hey MJD, nice stunt at the end of the game last week. DON'T EVER FUCKING DO IT AGAIN.

Cleveland @ Detroit ***** BAG GAME *****

I'm convinced Cleveland is the worst team in this bet - maybe the worst team in the league. They stink.

Detroit has come close to a couple of wins. Randie's playing with himself in a rematch of the 1957 NFL Championship Game, believe it or not.

Dallas @ Washington

Even with Tony Homo, Dallas is playing better in a wide-open division....

....wide-open except for Washington. How's having that old dude that was out of football calling your plays working out?

New Orleans @ Tampa Bay

10-0 here we come. Go mole!

The NFC South race was over in week 4. Just awful.

Pittsburgh @ Kansas City

Which Steelers team will show up? Cincy proved they were for real when they handed it to Pittsburgh on the road.

FUCK YOU CHIEFS! I should have never picked a team I hate this much as a bag team.

Arizona @ St. Louis

The Cardinals are Jekyll and Hyde. Mostly Jekyll....

...which is why I smell a shocking win for StL this week. I'd be pretty damn pleased with 2-2.

Week 10 Makes a Nation Proud

2009-11-19T15:00:00Z

The Raiders haven't done a lot well over the last few years. I'm enough of a fan to really hate to admit that, but let's face it - the only reason they're not a bag team and the Chiefs are is a tie-breaker. Over the first half of the season, they've had a couple of really promising performances - a narrow week 1 loss to the Chargers on a last-minute drive and a dominating defensive effort in Philadelphia come to mind - but far more pathetic, head-scratching, overthrow-filled debacles that really make you wonder sometimes if it will ever end. Following a team like this, and caring this much about them, really tests the foundation of one's fandom.

Bag alum Boe-Boe Bendler and I recently exchanged some text messages about just how shitty our teams are these days. Once powerhouse programs, his Syracuse Orange(men?) and Washington Red(fore?)skins are both skidding like the penguin in that addictive flash game. Here's some samples....

Boe-Boe: Are they ready to be D2 yet?
Me: When was the last time Cuse had a winning season again?
Boe-Boe: No idea. They were .500 the last time they got into a bowl.
Me: Maybe Boeheim can coach the football team!

Boe-Boe: I wish I liked lacrosse.

Boe-Boe: Sorry about the Raiders. Tell Nettie I hate the Steelers. She is spanking me!
Me: LOL, Moss I guess?
Me: I mean Holmes.
Boe-Boe: You've reached whiskey mode already I see.

Boe-Boe: F the spankees.
Me: You're such a bitter, sad little person. Is it because all of your teams suck so bad?
Boe-Boe: Game 1: fail. But to answer your question, yes.

We followed this up with some spirited in-person banter at Copper Door one day, and Boe-Boe asked me how I deal with it - my team sucking so bad year in and year out. My response? I figure if I spend more money on them, they'll get good all of the sudden!

....which brings me to this weekend's debauchery. Sunday was Raider Dave's 40th birthday, and like a good man-friend, he went ahead and planned the entire celebration himself. On Friday morning, Dave and his wife Elissa, Jukebox, wifey and I hopped on a flight to Oakland for the big bash, the centerpiece of which was Raiders/Chiefs at Network Associates Mcafee the Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum. Here was our chance to not only kick off the Raiders post-bye season with a win, but to beat our most hated rival (yet one of my bag teams) in the process. What could go wrong?!?

After braving the Bay Bridge and taking a lot of pictures of islands that were, in fact, NOT ALCATRAZ, Our hotel was conveniently located in the middle of San Francisco's Marina district, in an area called The Triangle - Lombard and Fillmore. The Marina is kindof Abercrombe and Fitchville, but there are also a lot of good shithole bars in the area also. The Triangle is called that because there used to be three of the most popular bars in the city in a 1-block radius of that corner, but things had changed.. for the better. After 10 minutes googling "dive" and "marina san francisco," I came up with a 6-bar crawl, scrawled on a piece of hotel stationary in my barely-legible-even-for-me chicken scratch and we were off.

Our first stop was a nice little Irish tavern called Kelley's, or KT's for short. Dave is one of only two Raiders and Gators fans I know (h/t to you, Phredkid), so it was crazy that the bartender at KT's was not only a Gator fan, but a UF alum originally from Tampa. After a couple of shots (and a couple of glasses of shots), we headed over to nearby Chestnut Street for another couple of shitholes.

The next couple of bars on Chestnut are where things really got blurry. At this point I was drinking Jameson pretty religiously, and although there was a lot going on around us, we really weren't paying the crowds too much attention. After the most excellent Horseshoe Tavern, we moved on to another Irish dive called Delaney's, and as one of the Yelp reviewers suggested, found the less-populated back area of the bar by the popcorn machine to settle in. You know those bar game machines you always see? You end up sitting in front of them and within 15 minutes, you're playing that nudie picture match game where you have to find the five differences in the pictures.

The last bar of the night turned out to be a place called Balboa Cafe, on the block behind our hotel. By this time we're all pretty shitcanned, but we figure this is as good a spot as any to get our last drinks of the night. Sounds simple, right? Well, we get seats at the bar and Jukebox eyes this bottle of Booker's and says "hey, I've never had that stuff, let's try it." Um, let's just say Jukebox is not the most educated bourbon drinker in the world, because he clearly had no idea that "Booker's bourbon is aged between six and eight years and is bottled un-cut and un-filtered at its natural proof between 121 and 127." He had some trouble drinking it!

I didn't, though. I could tell he wasn't going to finish his (and later, he told me he didn't remember much of anything after that), but I wasn't about to leave a nice glass of bourbon. Oh, did I mention there was a KFC/Taco Bell combo across the street from the hotel?

After walking out with the glass of Booker's in my hand, I had Jukebox and Dave stand outside and watch it while I got a 6-pack of tacos and an order of chicken strips. I think the strips were for Nettie, who'd presumably been passed out for hours by this point. What can I say, I was on autopilot at the time. Eating this kind of shit isn't smart, any time... but somehow it seemed like a good idea. I got a nice kick out of the scene when I woke up the next morning.

We spent the next day watching the Gators win a nailbiter against South Carolina at a Hooter's in the Wharf with the South Bay Swamp Gator Club. The boozing started around 10am since the game was a 12:30 pacific start, so of course Saturday night ended in complete and total blackout as well. During halftime of the Gator game, they sold raffle tickets for some scholarship. The Gator club rep punched me in the shoulder when I remarked about how all the stuff they were giving away was crap, but somehow or another wifey cleaned up and won half the items.

GAMEDAY

Sunday was obviously the big day. I started it off at 8am by throwing ice in the glass of Booker's from Friday night (you wouldn't have expected any different, would you?) and we hopped in the minivan. Dave had hooked up with some Raider fans that we were set to tailgate with so all we had to do was make it to the tailgate in one piece.

Unfortunately that proved to be harder than I thought it would. First the exit for the Bay Bridge was closed, so we had to drive around SF for a half hour trying to find a way onto the bridge. Then we hit this absolute fucking MAZE of an interchange right after the bridge, and not really knowing what we were doing, of course went the wrong way. All of this is happening while Dave is freaking out, everyone else in the car is hysterically laughing and making fun of us (I was navigating from shotgun) and I'm gulping Booker's as fast I can. Oh, and I'm also talking to no less than three of the Raider fans we're meeting at the tailgate on Dave's phone, trying to figure out not only how to get us out of the current mess we were in but also get us to the tailgate. It was not fun.

Fortunately, the tailgate made up for all that. I said several times while we were there that this was easily one of the best tailgates I'd ever been a part of, if not THE best. If Raider fans know how to do one thing, it's tailgate. Last week, Deadspin posted a link to a professional photographer's images of the Coliseum parking lot, and many were taken at this particular tailgate spot. Raider Greg of the Raider Nation Podcast is shown in picture #11 with the world-famous Gorilla Rilla (more on him later, but you HAVE to look at that photographer's pics, they are awesome!), and after he, his wife and his friend Randy talked us through getting there, they made us feel right at home and deserve special thanks for that. Also due much respect are the guys from the Bad Boyz of BBQ, who for $20 (they give you a wristband!) made one of the most awesome game day spreads you'll ever see.

This is how a tailgate should be done! Oh, and there were a couple of other TVs hung at various spots under the tent showing other NFL games

That's the inside of the truck you just saw with the TVs on it. THAT is RAIDER NATION

The meat pit. There are 5, count 'em FIVE chefs cooking various succulent meats.. and yes, they all have real chef's coats with their names and various Raiders patches

No one plans their own birthday bash like Dave. He had the shirts made. On the back it says "Raider Nation" and has the logo

That's Raider Greg with "Crusader Raider," a nutsy brit who goes to a lot of the games and is always dressed in that knight outfit. This guy showed me a picture of himself with Roger Goodell at the Pats/Bucs game in London this year. I told him, "that's like having your picture taken with the fucking Pope!"

I bet there wasn't a guy at your last tailgate who played for your team and has a FUCKING SUPER BOWL RING doing shots and signing. There was at this one. That's "Dr. Death" Skip Thomas, a Raiders DB from '72 to '77 and a ferocious hitter. If you look closely, you can see the ring on his left hand... and it was absolutely mesmerizing.

The seats were pretty damn good, but the game wasn't. Our defense played great, but JaMarcus was his usual awful self and was pulled in the 3rd quarter for Bruce Gradkowski. First-round pick Derrius Heyward-Douchebag dropped multiple passes including the potential game-winner, which was intercepted after he bobbled it. 16-10 Chiefs.

The highlight of an otherwise woeful game was getting a pick with Gorilla Rilla. This guy is an animal (heh) and is at every home game. The Nation comes strong.

Shotguns were definitely in order after that fuckin' game

Raider Greg's wife Charmane (sp?) must have handed me 5 or 6 Jello shots throughout the day. Good talk Charmane!

That's Raider Greg, me and some crazy dude in platform shoes.

RAIDER NATION ain't no joke.

Big-time props to the Bad Boyz of BBQ. 'Nuff said.

Other than the shitty game, it was a helluva trip. Raider fans are the best fans in professional sports, and I can't wait to get back to Oakland again. This post wouldn't be complete if I didn't mention that besides the trip, I had to come through on the credo of spending more money on your team when they're losing that I told Boe-Boe about.... so on the way to the airport, we stopped at the Raider Image so I could pick up thie SWEET Mitchell & Ness 1987 #75 Howie Long road throwback jersey ($259.99 plus tax, ouch):

Until next time....

Week 10 is all me

2009-11-17T19:16:36Z

Both of us went 2-2, but....

Randie:

Washington 27

Jacksonville 22

Detroit 10

Cleveland 0

TOTAL: 59

Lenny:

New Orleans 28

Kansas City 16

St. Louis 23

Buffalo 17

TOTAL: 84

I also handed Randie a head-to-head defeat in fantasy football, so it was almost a complete weekend beatdown. More on that in the write-up, coming soon....

Back to the Future

2009-11-10T15:23:08Z

Booo! I narrowly missed my fourth consecutive write-up this week, even though two of my four teams played bye-buy-by. Randie is awarded the write-up based on the first tie-breaker category (points for), 61-51... but we both picked up one win and I continue to hold a commanding 5-game lead with 8 weeks to play. I haven't been in the Overlord spot since my first year in the bet, but it sure as hell looks like a promising return is in the cards this season. A look at the upcoming matchups:

Lenny

New Orleans:
@ STL (playing with myself), @ TB, NE, @ WAS (*** BAG GAME ***), @ ATL, DAL, TB, @ CAR
PREDICTION: 6-2

Buffalo:
@ TEN, @ JAX (*** BAG GAME ***), MIA, NYJ, @ KC (playing with myself), NE, @ ATL, IND
PREDICTION: 3-5

Kansas City:
@ OAK, PIT, @ SD, DEN, BUF (playing with myself), CLE (*** BAG GAME ***), @ CIN, DEN
PREDICTION: 1-7

St. Louis:
NO (playing with myself), ARI, SEA, @ CHI, @ TEN, HOU, @ ARI, SF
PREDICTION: 2-6

SUMMARY: I'm assured of 2 wins at a minimum, and if my predictions play out, I'll finish with 24 wins. Randie and I also have three bag games remaining. New Orleans is the best team in the NFL, Kansas City is improving now that they've added Chris Chambers, and Buffalo has a relatively favorable remaining schedule. I have high hopes.

Randie

Jacksonville:
@ NYJ, BUF (*** BAG GAME ***), @ SF, HOU, MIA, IND, @ NE, @ CLE (playing with himself)
PREDICTION: 2-6

Washington:
DEN, @ DAL, @ PHI, NO (*** BAG GAME ***), @ OAK, NYG, DAL, @SD
PREDICTION: 0-8

Cleveland:
BAL, @ DET (playing with himself), @ CIN, SD, PIT, @ KC (*** BAG GAME ***), OAK, JAX (playing with himself)
PREDICTION: 2-6

Detroit:
@ MIN, CLE (playing with himself), GB, @ CIN, @ BAL, ARI, @ SF, CHI
PREDICTION: 2-6

SUMMARY: Randie is also assured of 2 wins, but the outlook for his teams is much more bleak. Washington is an absolute mess, and Cleveland and Detroit are both miserable (but I think Detroit is less miserable). I predict 6 more wins for him above, but even that is generous in my opinion. At this point, I'd be surprised if Randie finishes within 10 wins of me.

Well there you have it. In short, Randie's in the shitter. At least we can look forward to his write-up, if not watching his pathetic teams.

I'm making my way out to Oakland this weekend to watch one of my own bag teams get crushed by the Raiders (yeah I know that's wishful thinking). I'm assured of a win this week so hopefully I'll be able to post pics in the write-up.

Week 8: A Retrospective History of the Bag

2009-11-04T23:00:00Z

I've been threatening to do a bag history lesson for a while, but I wanted to make sure I had the photographic evidence lined up first. To that end, notice the changes in our banner above. There is now a new rules page, navigation, links to our older sites and .... voila! Our new photo gallery!

In the gallery are the never-before-seen pics from the 2004 and 2007 payoffs, which for one reason or another were never posted. Our bag alumni - F. Shawn, Colin, Boe-Boe, Jason and Ryan - are all featured, and for those of you who have accompanied us on a payoff at one time or another, I think you'll find some pics that you have absolutely no recollection of. We certainly did.

Using the "Show Sidebar" link on any gallery page, you can rate a picture, comment on it, order prints from Shutterfly or view the album as a slideshow. You know you want that picture of Randie with the pizza sauce all over himself, or the one of me with the tiger-striped Raiders face paint!

And now, the long-awaited......

The Bag Tolls For Thee: A Retrospective History of the Garbage Bag Bet

The bagbet was hatched from the minds of original bagbet founders F. Shawn Fitzgerald and Christopher Stauch while getting loaded one day. Only they can tell you what and how you have to drink in order to come up with shit like this, but anyway......

2000

In the first year of the bet, bagbet founders F. Shawn and Stauch went head-to-head in a season-long war of words that culminated in a humiliating loss for Shawn. It was bad enough that his beloved Patriots were a bag team that year (shows how long ago this was), but worse that he had to don the first-ever cinch-sack of pain. At the time, there were no clearly-defined rules beyond the teams, the bag and the payoff.

As I recall, the payoff began somewhere near Shawn's and Vin's apartment on the Upper East Side, and it was the dead of winter. Since it was so cold outside, we all had to bundle up quite a bit for the walk between bars (and obviously we were all wearing long pants), but once you got inside, every place had the heat blasting. As a result, Shawn literally sweated through his jeans in the first bar we were in and had to go home and change. Good times.

At some point in the night we ended up at Molly's on 3rd Avenue and were served by the infamous waitress known only to us as "Monty Burns." She's probably still there - you'll know her because she's 136 years old and as salty as can be. Anyway, Stauch tormented Shawn with combinations like White Russian-Black Russian-Jameson. Tequila-White Wine-Jameson. Much vomiting was involved. Ah, the memories.

2001

On December 27, 2001, I received an email from Shawn that described the beginnings of the modern-day version of the bag bet:

Chis Stauch has lost the Bet. He will:

Wear a garbage bag under his clothes.
Wear a mustache for a week.
Make a diarama of why I am better than him.
Go to all of the bars of my chioce on a night to be designated by me.
Buy my drinks all night.
Drink what I tell him to drink all night.

And, he will pay to fly his ass out here to be humiliated....

Sweet, sweet revenge....

And so it was said, and so it was done. The payoff that year began at Dewey's Flatiron, and Shawn was well-prepared for said revenge. He bought a couple of NFL QB-style wristbands like the one at right, and created an entire playbook of drink elements... so something like "32 Right XL Blue!" translated to "Guinness, in a martini glass, with a cherry and a salted rim." And yeah, I do remember Shawn actually making Stauch order something to that effect. Clearly this was payback for the previous year's episode at Molly's.

Stauch also did come through with both the mustache and the diorama. The diorama was a replica of the Lombardi trophy, and was creatively built using toothpicks and dried peas. Unfortunately, that triumph was a harbinger of doom......

2002

2002 was a pivotal moment in bag lore, and that season's painful conclusion would end up changing the course of bag history forever. Shawn was again victorious..... however Stauch failed to pay off. This caused much anger and hate, and Shawn resigned himself to the death of the bet. It was a bad time for the Empire. People said his brain was infected by devils.

Then... one night... Shawn, Randie and I were in Brooklyn for a concert in Prospect Park. After the show, we stopped into a little bar called Gowanus on Union Street and 5th Avenue, where Rachel Hoover - now Rachel Field, wife of bag alumnus Jason - was serving cocktails. We got to talking about the bet. What if we made it a four-man competition? Could we expand the rules to make it competitive? Was it possible to avoid losing the bet, yet still be properly humiliated? Since there were only three of us, we needed another player... so Shawn thought this might be a good opportunity to get his cousin Colin involved. We all got on a makeshift conference call, and it was settled.

Stauch tried to kill the bag bet. But he didn't. That was the night everything changed...........

2003

2003 was the birth of the golden age of the bag bet. We set off on an odyssey of epic proportions, vowing to make the bet bigger and better than ever. 2003 saw a number of auspicious debuts in the rules of the bet:

The bet got a website! It was designed by Randie, and while we have spent years working out the kinks, I thought it looked great.
Write-ups were introduced, with Shawn winning the first-ever installment.
The role of Paint Facer was introduced. The 3rd place finisher would be required to paint his face for the worst of his two teams on payoff day. Let's Go Devils!
The initial "jersey rule" was established, stating that the 2nd place finisher had to buy a jersey for the worst of his two teams, to be worn during the payoff.
Shawn began keeping a spreadsheet with detailed results of the season's bag action, including tiebreaker numbers. Dorkerriffic!
The original smack-talk email list was created. Later these emails made it onto the site in the form of the "smack" section. It was in a smack email from Shawn about face-painting for the Lions that a premonition was made...
I think I would go with the temporary tattoo on each cheek and then
silver and blue paint everywhere else. That would look good. Bob Ross Jr.

In the end, I was the big winner. Shawn was the jersey boy, and Detroit was his worst team... so he alertly found a promo on the Lions' site where you could buy a game-worn jersey for only $50. The catch was that you didn't get to pick who's jersey it was, OR the size. Of course Shawn not only got a wide receiver (and thus a very small jersey), but he happened to get former Gator Jacquez Green - check out the fit on that bad boy...

Colin was the paint facer. I think Colin won the prize for 2003 by not only working some awesome face paint, but for the custom-made shirt. In case you can't read it, it says HOUSTON LET ME DOWN:

The payoff that night began at No Idea, then moved on to 119 on Irving, then continued East towards Alphabet City. At some point Jason came across a couch cushion, which he inexplicably decided to carry for a couple of blocks. Eventually we all just decided to take a break and relax...

Randie wore the bag that night. He did an admirable job too. Eventually we ended up on Avenue B at Korova Milk Bar (R.I.P.), famous for its "Redneck Special" - a Rolling Rock and a shot of Jack Daniels for $5. Predictably, at this point the night started to fall apart. Colin was trying to fight random people who were only sometimes real, and Shawn was drooling on himself. I found out later that Julie, bless her soul, ushered them out into the night quietly without saying goodbye to avoid the harassment. Nice work.

Meanwhile, Randie decided to go outside for a smoke break, and I guess he felt like he needed to rest a little...

I, of course, won the bet and was the Overlord. One thing this bet has taught me is that when you win, you get the most drunk, because you do shots with EVERYBODY. Well, I vaguely recall going outside to look for Shawn and Colin, not finding them and coming back in... and I guess I felt like I needed a little rest as well...

Yeah, that's me passed out in the bar. Mission accomplished.

WRITE-UP QUOTE OF THE SEASON: "There are oodles of other scenarios with 4 weeks left, but I'd say randie is basically locked up in the cinch sack. Dude, my best advice would be to make lots of air holes and to watch out when you take your first piss of the evening...remember, gravity makes water drain down...watch for spillage." - F. Shawn

Check out the 2003 Gallery for more pics

2004

In 2004, we did the first of our "themed" bag sites. After much discussion, we settled on Battlestar Galactica, and Randie did a fine job on the design. See if you can find the Easter egg on the homepage! (Hint: Click on the banner. I know anyone reading this is too retarded to actually find it on their own.) 2004 was a season of fantastic write-ups (go back and read some, they're quality), and featured bag staples Houston, Detroit and Cleveland, among others. Almost every season, at least one of the bag teams makes the playoffs, but Shawn broke the bank with Atlanta and San Diego, who combined for a whopping 23 wins (still a bag record). The Jets carried Randie into Jersey Boy status, and I limped home with a piss-poor 12 wins (Arizona and Detroit in the same season - shudder). Colin, however, was the ultimate loser - Cleveland and the Giants combined to give him a measly 10 wins and a trip to Heftyville.

Shawn's 2004 payoff bar crawl began at 3rd and Long, an NYC staple for the football watching crowd. It didn't take long for Colin's nutsack to begin leaking uncontrollably...

From there we moved on to Pinetree Lodge. Like a good Overlord, Shawn introduced payoff swag that year in the form of custom-made beer coozies that included our URL and the final standings. Nice work F. Shawn!

As you can see in the pic above, we'd moved on for some PBRs at Whiskey River. Things started to get ugly at that point. None of us can remember why Randie turned his jersey inside out, but as you can tell by the look on Nettie's face, we were obviously getting more and more obnoxious as the night went on....

Colin and Shawn dropped off soon after that. I think Julie saved the day again on that one. Things were definitely ugly - just look at my face paint (and Ryan Crane - as he would say, "JEEEEEZ!!!"):

WRITE-UP QUOTE OF THE SEASON: "F. Shawn's Falcons are chugging along like his Chiefs of yesteryear. Their wins are like fallen nuts that he is pouching away in his squirrelly cheeks. Lenny walks away from the television thinking, it was so close, but acknowledging that his team outperformed his expectations; he looks into the mirror, caressing his beard with his right hand, dented beer can in his left. "Should I shave?" He asks himself under his breath. "No. The Overlord will not shave today." His eyes still fixed on the mirror, now fall on his midsection. The Raiders jersey is wider than it was last year; this seems to be an ongoing issue. He focuses one last time, sucks in his stomach and lets it out with a deep sigh. Looking away he heads towards the kitchen for another frosty beer." - Colin

Ed. note: Some things never change, I guess. 2003 was the last time I grew a beard. And the jersey is wider still these days.

HONORABLE MENTION: Go back and read Shawn's Week 8 recap of Feder's wedding. Just awesome stuff.

Check out the 2004 Gallery for more pics

2005

We went with a pirate theme in 2005. Arrrrr! It's drivin' me nutz! We also added a couple of new rules - I'll let Shawn's pirate voice explain those:

First Mate (Jersey boy) must carry a football (a la "the Program") for the payoff. If anyone from our group be able to knock it out of his hands, the Jersey Boy must either do a shot or buy the scoundrel who knocked it from his hands a drink.
All good pirates must wear an NFL jersey on payoff day. Overlord, Paint-Facer, and BagBoy can choose their own. Ye Jersey Boy will be forced into his worst team as usual.

Let's just say that the "football rule" turned out to be very, very popular. Dangle a football in front of a bunch of drunks - and tell them they can get a shot out of it if they can knock it out of someone's hands - and the results are guaranteed to get ugly. The downside to all of this is that the football carrier gets loaded MUCH earlier than he normally would, leading to the vicious spiral of him being lazier and lazier with the ball... all that adds up to Colin not making it very far that night.

Ultimately, Randie ended up a single win short of tying Shawn's bag bet-record with 22 wins as both Chicago and Tampa Bay made the playoffs with 11-5 records. In a perverse twist of fate, Colin came in second on the strength of his favorite team, the Washington Foreskins, and their 10-6 record. I was third, with Randie's Dolphins and their 9-7 leading the way. To round out the perversion, my Raiders handcuffed Shawn, and he finished with an abysmal (and then-record) 8 wins.

We ended up losing Colin after 2005. He was unable to keep up with our stringent demands and started missing write-ups - an inexcusable failure for a bag contestant. In his stead, we welcomed Boe-Boe Bendler (that's Joe's codename) for 2006, and created the "new guy" rule - new guys are required to wear Wonder Bread bags on their feet for the payoff. Don't ask how we came up with this.

Since we got ready at Randie's place, the payoff was a downtown affair. I was face-painting Tennessee, and kept up the tradition with some fantastic temporary tatoos:

Colin's final failure as a bag contestant was not wearing a jersey out for the payoff. FAIL! Here he is, clutching that football with all his might:

The night got ugly, quickly. The aforementioned football rule made things crazy. I remember being at Racoon Lodge when someone came up from behind Colin and punched the ball out, knocking it into the paraphernalia behind the bar, and Vinny the bartender getting very upset about it. You don't like it when Vinny is upset. Still, a good time was had by all, and many virtual deer were shot while pounding PBRs and Jameson shots. To wit:

I know we ended up at the Patriot, but things are fuzzy after that for me. This pic really says it all:

WRITE-UP QUOTE(S) OF THE SEASON: "I've read stories about Colin's kids tag teaming Shawn's nuts but I didn't expect Colin to get in on the action." - Randie

HONORABLE MENTION: In my Week 3 write-up, I did the recaps in Haiku. I was pretty proud of myself.

HONORABLE MENTION PART II: Shawn's Halloween-themed "Deep Thoughts on Week 8" was an all-time classic.

Check out the 2005 Gallery for more pics

2006

By far the best and most popular theme we ever did was 2006's Iron Maiden site. Maiden lyrics made their way into the write-ups constantly, much to Joe's chagrin since he inexplicably never got into Maiden as a kid and therefore had no idea what any of us were talking about. 2006 was also our first full season as a blog. Even though being a "blogger" made me want to kill myself, the format really works well for what we're doing.

In 2005 I'd made the mistake of drafting a team I hate (the Dolphins). In 2006, I drafted the team I love... which was an even bigger mistake. The Raiders were awful, winning only 2 games that season, and even though Houston got 6 wins to keep me from setting the all-time futility record (yet), I was relegated to my first bag-wearing experience ever. I didn't do a very good job of it either, but more on that later.

Even though the Saints were a surprise 10-win team, the Cleveland Shitstains ensured Shawn would be the Paint Facer in 2006. He looked totally dog-pounderriffic, with his orange face and white and brown stripe down the middle. Shawn's 3rd place finish meant that Randie is the only long-time bag contestant to avoid face-painting... a fact I'm sure he's very proud of.

Randie edged out Joe for the overlord spot. In the pic above, you see Joe wearing a Wonder Bread bag on one hand while carrying the football in the other. Curious! He's also wearing a Jets jersey, but ... the Jets were Randie's bag team that year. Curiouser and curiouser! Yes, I'm talking about Jerseygate 2006 - Attack of the Joe. In tonight's episode, Joe waits until payoff day to try to go out and buy a 49ers jersey in NYC, because, you know, ordering it off the Internet would have been too easy. Then he calls all of us to cry about how impossible it was to find one, and ends up with that silly Curtis Martin swag he's got on above. Boooo Joe, boooo. You FAIL.

The payoff started at Lorelei off Bowery, and it was a warm day. I had planned big things, thinking all this nonsense about how hard it is to wear the bag was just that. Let's just say I was wrong. Randie's always talking about face-painting being worse than wearing the bag, but after having done both, I disagree - vehemently. We weren't in the bar for 30 minutes before this happened:

YUCK. (BTW, notice the garbage bag full of coozies in the background. Get it? Garbage bag? Nice touch Randie).

After Lorelei we moved on to Motor City. By this point, the football was literally flying all over the place (Joe was getting peppered by everyone in sight, including me). Shawn's wife Julie, Garbage Bag veteran that she is, was slipping me glasses of water between beers and shots, and I felt pretty good, if itchy. Classic false sense of security.

(NOTE: The coozies say "I heart Garbage." Heh.)

We moved on to Mars Bar next. Mars is one of the shittiest dives in all of Manhattan, and has the undisputed nastiest "bathrooms" in the City - they're really nothing more than glorified holes in the floor. Mars also has cheap beer and shots, and as such I love the place. It was crowded, but even we didn't stick out in that shithole. Good times.

Eventually we made our way to another one of NYC's best (and cheapest) dives, Blue and Gold. Any place you can get a Macallan for $4 is pretty awesome in my book. Unfortunately, Blue and Gold was my last stop, even though I didn't know it when I walked in. You see, as is typical with me, I was fine one minute...

...and the next minute, bam! Complete and utter blackout.

I am famous for what's known as "pulling a Lenny" - basically, a hocus-pocus and then auto-pilot trip home. I never remember these, never say goodbye to anyone, but always make it home, sometimes even carrying whatever drink I last had at the bar. This particular case was somewhat more disturbing than usual, because "Big Head" Russ was staying at my apartment that weekend, and I left him at the bar too. Worse, I got home and ripped off all my clothes, as well as the bag, and according to my poor wife Nettie, wandered around the apartment, naked and rambling incoherently for the next hour. Fortunately, she was able to get me into bed before Russ got back and saw more than he wanted to.

So, I fail as an Overlord and I fail as a bagman. What can I say? Failure is in my blood.

WRITE-UP QUOTE OF THE SEASON: Sorry, but I'm giving this one to myself.

I Am The Trooper

You'll get two wins, but I'll get two too
Jets beat the Lions but the Cardinals blew
So while you're writing up the weekly recap
Remember how close you are to the cinch-sack

The gunshot sounds, the games begin
Even when my teams are good I still can't win
Although the Texans didn't let me down
For me the Dolphins make that crinkly sound

[Chorus]

The battle heats up, quickly three are tied
The next week's bag games will push one aside
And as we race towards the season's apex
We feel the drawstrings tighten around our necks

We hurdle bag teams from past bets gone by
And yet some of them refuse to die
The Raiders, long gone like Chris Simms' spleen
Hey, at least they won't go 0-16

[Chorus]

Soon the end will come and one will reign
Yet another will feel the chafing pain
A third will take "Carry the Rock" to whole new levels
While the last endures endless chants of "Go Devils!"

And me I must avoid the dubious fate
Of being the first loser to not make eight
For as I lay forgotten and alone
I'm left to wonder For Whom the Bag Will Toll?

HONORABLE MENTION: "Day after day I'd wake up, check to make sure I actually closed the door to my apartment before passing out the night before, and ask myself, "Did I exhibit enough stupidity last night? Did I do or say anything that could possibly be used as ammunition against me later in life? Did I end the night by leading a chorus of "Artie Mueller" while performing the one-legged Jim Carrey dance?" - Joe

HONORABLE MENTION PART II: "The loss rekindled nightmare's about all of those times Peyton showed up while he was playing Super Mario Brothers 2 with his friends and threw him on the ground, bending his arm behind his back until he screamed "UNCLE!", all at once humiliating him and ruing any chance of beating Bowser outside of his castle on level 8-4. Bad Times." - F. Shawn

Check out the 2006 Gallery for more pics

2007

The Superfriends were the theme in 2007, although the website color scheme made my eyes hurt. It really never got off the ground as a theme like Maiden did, but hey, sometimes you win and sometimes you get wrapped in plastic.

Joe ended up winning the bet, but it was a bittersweet moment. At the end of the season, Joe announced he was moving to Washington, DC to live his dream to become Pat Robertson. Coincidentally, Shawn announced he was retiring from bag competition to pursue fatherhood, marriage and general non-douchebaggery (I just saw him the other night and unfortunately, I don't think it's working). This meant we were down two men... what would be in store for the bet? Well, more on that later.

Amazingly, Shawn was Jersey Boy ... for the Lions, the same team he represented the last time he'd had the honor in 2003. Unfortunately, his #12 Jacquez Green Lions jersey didn't survive the move to my new apartment, so he had to go out and buy a new one (check it out in the pic, ewwww). I had the distinct pleasure (? - they went 4-12) of face-painting for my favorite team, and for the second time, Randie was in the bag... As such, the infamous Broward County Schools jersey made another appearance:

Once we got off the subway and headed to our first bar (I believe it was the Village Pourhouse on 3rd Avenue), Shawn bought me an awesome hat that I still have to this day:

Back to the question of what was going to happen to the bet, with Joe and Shawn both moving on to pursue other opportunities. Well, long-time payoff attendee (and husband of Rachel, the bartender who helped start it all) Jason offered to step up and get into the game, which left us one more man to find. As per the rules, Jason had his jersey on and his Wonder Bread bags working:

In a drunken stupor (his, not mine), I was able to convince fellow Gator fan (and douchebag) Ryan to come on board as the fourth man. I think he immediately regretted the decision. He failed with the jersey, but we still indoctrinated him that night...

You may be wondering how our bagman was doing through all of this. Well, suffice it to say that his ballsack was leaking like the Titanic:

In the end, he got his money's worth out of wearing the bag. Rather than try to describe it, I think this picture says a thousand words....

WRITE-UP QUOTE OF THE SEASON: "Lenny Management: When angry about the Raiders, buy Lenny a shot. If head is on bar at time of purchase, lift head, administer shot manually. Angry Silent Lenny should return to Angry Vocal Lenny in about 30 seconds. Much better for moral." - Balzac the Jaws of Life

HONORABLE MENTION: "At this point, the water stopped flowing but the bowl was just a hot, swirling stew of toilet paper and turds." - Joe

Check out the 2007 Gallery for more pics

2008

What can I say about the 2008 bag season, other than that it was a total, complete, epic failure? We missed or were late on countless write-ups, never got the site done AT ALL, and to this day have still not had a payoff (we're still negotiating that). It wasn't all bad though; there were definitely SOME highlights:

Ryan's Week 1 ode to Sarah Palin, and how much she makes him tingle in the pants
The "Let's Make It Sporting" side-bet tour of Seattle / Las Vegas / Kansas City, as well as associated fantastic pictures
Randie's mad photoshop skillz

Jason and I Randie actually agreeing on something (their distaste for improper use of the word "literally")

In the end, Ryan won the bet - ON THE STRENGTH OF A TIE, totally unprecedented in bag history - with Jason being the Jersey Boy, Randie in his first-ever face-paint role and me in my second bag. Other than me, the bet was highly competitive - Ryan, Jason and Randie were separated by just 1.5 games. On the other end of the spectrum, I set a record for futility with just 7 wins, and as Jason points out in his Week 4 write-up, for the first time in bag history a contestant had the coaches of both of his teams fired in the first half of the season. Yay, futility! When I do something I go ALL THE WAY!
Well, I hope you've enjoyed the history lesson. Remember to check out the galleries (they're hilarious) and keep coming back for the exciting conclusion of this year's bet!
L.

I know Bag Teams are supposed to suck...

2009-11-03T21:04:28Z

...but this is getting ridiculous. I hit an all season low this weekend when my hapless Lions were beat by Lenny's hapless Rams, giving St. Louis it's first victory in 17 games. To make matters worse, my other shitty team, the Jags, gave the Thumbtacks their first W of the year. That leaves the Suckaneers as the only winless team. Lenny's juggernaut Saints creamed Atlanta to improve to 7-0. The only redeeming thing about that game was the Brees to Thomas TD late in the game. That gave me a double dip fantasy score and sealed my victory over the dreaded not so Fun-nelers.

But this NFL weekend wasn't a complete loss for yours truly! I woke up Sunday morning around 8 am and began readying myself for a fun filled day of NFL. While I was steaming my vintage #83 Mark Clayton jersey, Sarah was busying herself with the preparation of a togo pitcher of bloodies.

Simultaneously, Mikey was in BK procuring our beers from his local bodega. We were meeting our friend Claire at the Port Authority then all heading over to the Dirty Jerz. Sarah surprised me and got us tickets to the Dolphins vs. Jets game Woohoo!!!! (Yeah I'm gonna marry that woman!!) So it was a day in the Meadowlands and what a day it was! A note to Jets fans: I've been a part of this rivalry since 1982 when I made my first trip ever to the Orange Bowl for a classic Richard Todd vs. David Woodley battle during a strike shortened season. It was a back and forth game with the Fish pulling it out on a late Uwe Von Schamann 47 yard field goal. In the post season later that year, the Jets beat the LA Raiders in the second round to move up to the AFC Championship game (called "The Mud Bowl" which sounds more like Lenny's drawers on Sunday night) against the mighty Dolphins. Miami's Killer B defense picked off Todd 5 times as the Fish skunked the Jets 14-0. We won't talk about what happened in the Super Bowl against the Foreskins. Now the all time series record is 46-40 Jets but who's counting. Fast forward 17 years and though the players have changed the rivalry remains.

At least we have our own stadium. Jets still don't have their own stadium and they never will! Walking around the parking lot of Giants stadium I kind of felt like Triumph the insult Comic Dog when he visited the Bon Jovi show there many years ago. Hello, I'm a dumbass, my name is this guy. I can't really knock Jets fans though. They're just supporting their team! They tailgate proper. They have all these dumb little songs they've been practicing for so many years. "Marino is a homo" is one of my favorites. Poor Dan, still catching shit despite retiring nine years ago. "Brown takes it in the butthole" is another favorite. Notice any latent homosexual tendencies here? This is why I don't have to make fun of them. It's funny... they're funny. While I as waiting on line for the port-o-john a group of d'rocket jets fans threatened to tip me over once inside. I was like yeah, c'mon do it, just video it so I can post it to my FB page. Sadly I didn't get a Port-o-tip, much to the chagrin of the mohawked, Wesley Walker wearing wise guy in line behind me. There's a surprisingly large amount of Dolphin fans here in the NY/NJ area. It never ceases to amaze me. I wish there weren't sometimes. It's hard to endorse dickhole dolphin nuts rocking zubaz pants and bandanas with their jerseys tucked in. Nevertheless we were in a pretty rowdy section. I suppose it had something to do with the lack of oxygen that high up. The first half was pretty boring as both teams stunk the joint up crawling to a 3-3 tie at the half. One major fail on my part was neglecting to remember that they stop serving at halftime. Now I remember why I snuck a flask in last time. I should have rocked Dr. Sneaky! Things got more interesting in the second half. I witnessed at least four altercations in which both Jets and Dolphins fans were escorted away. Just a few rows away from me a Dolphins fan threw his beer at the douche behind him. Major fail considering the value of beer at that stage in the day. Nothing really happened after but they both got the heave ho. Speaking of ho's, the Dolphins D decided to pull a Lenny and disappear for the afternoon (except for Jason Taylor running back a fumble for a TD). Thank geeooowdeee for Teddy. The Jets got Ginned right in their faces. See I could have said they got Ginned in their stupid buttholes but that's not how I roll. Ginn set an NFL record with two TD returns of 100+ yards in the same quarter, barely making up for a costly fumblé on his own 20 which led to a Jet's score. There's nothing more exciting than yelling at a kickoff return for a TD. Almost as exciting and yelling at an inside the park home run. The game was back and forth right up to the end when Dirty Sanchez shit the bed on 4th and 10 with under 2 minutes to play by tossing it out of the end zone. So sorry Jets fans! I was especially sorry to see you all leave in the beginning of the fourth quarter with the game so close. In fact each Ginn run back triggered a partial exodus. I loved some of the post game commentary from some of the Jets player saying how the Dolphins aren't that good yada yada. Well we just swept the season series from you and despite our 3-4 record we are 3-0 in the division which will weigh heavily down the stretch. All the douchey ESPN commentators were all over the Rex Ryan bandwagon in the beginning of the season. Well the wheels have come off that train I'm afraid. I got four words for you: o-ver-ra-ted! Final score from the meadowlands 30-25.

We then hopped on the bus, ate some fried pickles in Times Square then headed over to 3rd and Long to watch the Yankees game. Big mistake! It was $1 beers for marathoners night. While I appreciate the accomplishment there's nothing worse than hanging out in a bar full of self entitled distance runners, especially when they feel like they're entitled to get to the bar before me. Nevertheless we high tailed it down the street to visit our buddy John at Copper Door Tavern who took care of us proper.

Next up, the Patsies... and pain for Shitzgerald!

I may be losing the bag bet but guess what? I've worn it before and I'll do it again if I have to. It's only half over and anything is possible.

I'm still up in the side bet!

Hey guess what? Joe Buck Sucks. I recently became a fan of the Joe Buck Sucks Facebook page. I encourage everyone to join. Tomorrow night: Pain for Pedro!!!! Let's go 27!!!!!

Take a moment and see how Stormtroopers spend their off days.

Grrrrr! Randie

3 write-ups in a row and counting...

2009-11-02T21:56:37Z

I'm on a roll! As predicted in last week's write-up, St. Louis pulled a win out of their stinky, gaseous bungholes against a reeling Detroit team. Stafford came back, but it wasn't enough. I'll have some white-hot write-up action for you in the next 36 hours or so.

BTW big ups to Visante Shiancoe's twitter feed for solving last week's mystery of what Brad Childress looks like dressed up in drag. It's blurry, but I think you get the picture.....

Ask and Ye Shall Receive!

2009-10-27T22:57:17Z

Is this Christopher Street Childress??

Week 7: The Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner

2009-10-27T14:50:11Z

It's not a sprint, it's a marathon. If 6 years in this bet has taught me anything, it's that fortunes can change in a hurry. Still, I'm pulling away - two of Randie's teams were off this week, and the other two played like the fat kid who gets picked last in the kickball game. Buffalo is resurgent, and New Orleans is carrying me through the pain and suffering that is the Saint Louis Rams. I'm up by 3 games, but unlike Alan Stilltoe's protagonist, I'm not planning on pulling up short of the finish line.

Let's start with some bag-related news of the weird. In case you haven't heard, Larry Johnson loves him some twitter. And some bad rapping. And some abuse of women. And some dolla dolla bills. And some homophobic slurs. The story goes like this: first, LJ goes off on a rant about how his father is more qualified as an NFL coach than Todd Haley (I'm sure you're wondering how that is - oh right! It's because he 'played for the coach from "Remember the Titans"'!). Then, when some randoms on the Internet respond to him negatively, he starts popping off about how much money he's got.

Dig this exchange:

Jared Launius: Interesting comments by Larry Johnson ( @toonlcon ) about "coaches." Hey LJ, is it Haley's fault you fall when D-Linemen blow on you?

Larry: "@jaredlaunius Sorry ur a cornball n ur mom birthed u broke. But I'm cakn patna. While u work or school for 5 dollas n hour. Ha!"

Jared Launius: "Apologies. His Twitter alias is @toonicon whatever the hell that means. Probably something about spitting in women's faces."

Larry: "@jaredlaunius think bout a clever diss than that wit your fag pic. Christopher street boy. Is what us east coast cats call u."

Even GBID favorite Urban Dictionary doesn't know what a "Christopher Street boy" is, but living in NYC, we get the reference. Anyway, LJ couldn't just let is end there, after shutting down his Twitter account (surely upon "suggestion" from the team). No, not your boy LJ! When reporters entered the locker room yesterday, LJ told them he wouldn't talk until Thursday, then allegedly said "Get your faggot asses out of here" under his breath. Stay classy homeboy!

In more bizzaro-world NFL news, apparently Vikings HC Brad Childress dressed up as a female flight attendant on the team's return flight from Pittsburgh. WTF?! Word is he'd told his team that they needed to be respectful to flight attendants. As a reminder, that's Brad Childress on your right. I just wish I could find a picture of this ugly bastard in drag..... if this is his way of "loosening his team up," expect the Vikes to be tighter than a two-dollar watch during Favre's return to Green Bay next week.

Before we get on with the recaps, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that the Yankees are in the World Series for the first time since 2003. That kicks ass, but the fact that they're playing Philly is even better. With Jay-Z and Alicia Keys performing "Empire State of Mind" live before Game 1 and Pedro starting against his Daddies in Game 2, the hype is going to be off the charts. I expect an absolute zoo in both places, because, you know, Philly fans are well-known for their class.

Without further ado, we continue our return to our roots with the recaps (points for, points against and total TDs scored are the tiebreaker categories)......

Lenny (10-17, PF: 516, PA: 657, TDs: 59)

New Orleans (6-0): New Orleans is absolutely crushing the competition, and are the undisputed best team in the NFL right now. Not only did they get a big win on the road this week, they happened to do it against Randie's Fishies, which kept our sidebet tied (I'm not going to bother to mention what happened in that other game). Shockey had his first 100-yard game since Week 10 of 2007 as the Saints came back from a 21-point hole. New Orleans has more TDs than all three of my other bag teams combined!

THIS WEEKEND: ATLANTA FALCONS Atlanta is a decent team but should be no match for the Saints at the Superdome. They're coming off a humiliating loss to the previously-reeling Cowboys in Dull-Ass, but their misery isn't over. They'll feel the wrath of the mole. They'll have Hurricanes poured down their shirts, whippets stuffed in their mouths and be unceremoniously dumped in a garbage can on Bourbon Street. Oh wait, that was me in 1992.

Buffalo (3-4): Buffalo won their second straight by beating hapless Carolina in Charlotte. I recently realized Carolina was struggling with Delhomo even as a bag team in the first modern-day iteration of the bet in 2003. When are they going to figure out that the only question this guy is the answer to is "who's the 00s version of Jay Schroeider"? Buffalo still hasn't gotten TO involved, but they have 9 picks in their last two games and are winning it with defense.

THIS WEEKEND: HOUSTON This should actually be a pretty good matchup. Houston's offense has been playing well so it's the classic irresistible force vs. immovable object scenario (yes, I realize that's a big-time stretch). Buffalo is the key to my success - if they can go .500, I'm in there like swimwear.

Kansas City (1-6): KC and the Rainbow Warriors are turning into the embarrassment of my draft. I knew St. Louis was going to be a clunker, but I was expecting more out of Cassell and the rest of these dopes. They were thoroughly bitch-slapped by the Chargers, down 20-0 in the 2nd and 27-7 in the 3rd as Vincent Jackson rolled up 142 first-half yards - yikes.

THIS WEEKEND: Bye buy by Sleep in, boys. Catch a movie. Read a book. Anything but think about how much you suck.

St. Louis (0-6): What can I say? They're flat-out terrible. They've scored a measly 6 TDs all season (one on defense) in 7 games while giving up 27. Their best chance to get off the schneid was last week in Jax, but they fail. Repeatedly. This week Peyton and the Colts anally raped them 42-6. It could have been worse.

THIS WEEKEND: at Detroit ****** BAG GAME ****** Wait, did I say their best chance was last weekend? Just when you need a pick-me-up, you look at the schedule and see a trip to visit another bag team, and a really, really bad one at that. If Detroit still has to trot out Duante Culpepper this weekend, I'm chalking this up as the StL's first win.

Randie (7-19, PF: 391, PA: 637, TDs: 41)

Jacksonville (3-3): The Jags didn't play this week, which is great because I didn't have to stare at their awful uniforms but sucky because that meant I was without the best fantasy player not named Peterson this week. Luckily I was playing John Cashin so it didn't matter.

THIS WEEKEND: at Tennessee A matchup of the bag team of today vs. the bag team of tomorrow. Tennessee shaves nuts for bucks. Why is Kerry Collins still starting for them?! Wouldn't ANYONE be a better choice at QB? I know they broke up with Vince Young, but jeezus, the girl you thought you could lay just blew you off. Go back to your comfort zone already.

Washington (2-4): The Redskins are an absolute circus right now. They've got a retiree calling plays for them (badly), Zorn looks like a deer in the headlights, Portis has begun his regularly-scheduled mid-season slide into oblivion and now they've lost Cooley, their only real weapon, for the season. Hey Foreskins, while you're down there, could you pop that zit?

THIS WEEKEND: Hookers and blow That's really all that could possibly help right now.

Detroit (1-5): Detroit is spending most of their time praying Matt Stafford's knee heals, like, yesterday. They can be dangerous offensively when Stafford is healthy, even though he's a rookie, but with Duante Ballsweater at QB they could lose to Florida State. They got a week off from getting shellacked this week in preparation for....

THIS WEEKEND: ST. LOUIS ****** BAG GAME ****** The game to watch this weekend! No, really! OK, no one in the entire country besides Randie and I give a fuck about this game. I'm not even sure WE give a fuck.

Cleveland (1-6): Oh man, I don't even know where to start. I think they're actually more pathetic than Detroit (although I'll admit, St. Louis is worse). Props to the Shitstains for waking up my fantasy duo of Aaron Rodgers (15-20/246, 3 TDs) and Ryan Grant (148 and a score). Apparently Shitstains LB David Bowens ripped of Rodgers' helmet and punched him in the face on the first offensive series (!), but that backfired as the Pack rolled Cleveland 31-3. Hey Cleveland, you need an RB, right? I hear Larry Johnson is going to be available soon, he'll fit right in.

THIS WEEKEND: at Chicago Battle of the terrible NFC "Norris" foes here. Chicago was absolutely spanked by Cedric Benson and Cincinnati last week. Is this game winnable for the Browns? Er, nope. I predict things are going to get worse before they get better in Browntown.

That's it for this week. See you next week with another installment.