Garbage Of The Soul

Our conscious decision to make ourselves miserable!

2016-04-23T01:40:00.002+02:00

Do we sometimes enjoy making ourselves miserable? I often wonder if I sometimes voluntarily make an active decision to make myself miserable... For example you're trying to diet yet you decide to a chocolate; you're overloaded with work yet you chose to procrastinate or you know someone is a perfect mismatch for you yet you continue to over obsesses about them... The list can really go on.

However, what is common among all of these cases is the fact that you know the outcome of something cannot possibly be good, yet you become this weak, pathetic person with no will what-so-ever and you give in and do something stupid.

But then - I come back and say; this is human nature. We are born with weaknesses; it doesn't make us pathetic.

So I give myself a pat on the back - tell myself I'm okay, it is not the end of the world and I pull through. I think the right words are, I convince myself that it is okay to continue being stupid. I hate to admit it, but I think the best word for it is denial - in return of course to momentary and temporary happiness.

But that is not what really drives me crazy!

What I find insane is the fact that it hurts when you realize you got to pull the plug and step back into reality. That you cannot live in denial anymore. For some reason, despite the fact that you have always knew the outcome was not going to be good, coming in terms with it and accepting it still take you by surprise. And hurts you like you didn't see it coming.

When you realize that this was the last time! That the next time you run into this person things will not be the same again. That the spark of hope you once fooled yourself with will no longer exist.

And I ask myself... why the hell did I put myself through this? Why did I allow myself to let "me" down!

And the truth is - I have no idea! And that pisses me off even more!

Is hope such a good thing?

2016-02-11T20:51:00.001+02:00

I'm asking myself today if hope is good thing. Pushing yourself to remain optimistic in the midst of everything... does that really help you? I used to like think so... But the older I grow and the more I see I realize that maybe too much hope isn't always a good idea. As much as hope keeps you going, tells you that eventually there is a happy ending, that there is light in the end of the tunnel... that maybe there is a chance that things go as planned... It often becomes so scary because it means bigger disappointment and a stronger slap on the face.

I've recently decided to be more positive... to smile at life... to be more open to people and experiences.

And my take is... life is a real bitch. It stares you in the face, smiles at you, manipulates to think she is on your side... and just when you get comfortable... it smiles even bigger and points its middle finger right at you with a sense of victory.

So I'm asking myself is hope such a good thing for us? Is it better to live with no expectations? May be then if something good happens it would make us happier.

I keep telling myself its all about time... good things are bound to happen... dreams might come true. But the truth is... I never get used to the disappointment. And every time it takes more effort on my side to have "hope" again... which only means the disappointment is bigger and stronger and harder to recover from.

So I think I'm letting go of hope for a good while. I'm back to no expectations. I'm letting go of happy endings... I can deal with indifference, but I cannot deal with more disappointment. I want to say "who knows maybe life surprises me," but I realized that this is another shape of hope that just tricks you into waiting and into expecting anything good to come out of this thing called... life!

Crossroads…

2015-09-06T13:43:00.000+02:00

I am at this crossroads in my life where I’m not sure where I am or what I should be doing next. I’m not sure there is a purpose behind my existence. I feel like I have tons of potential that I cannot tap into. Like I’m stuck into a life I’ve not chosen or envisioned. In the same time I’m not doing much to change it or get out of this place I am in. And that is more upsetting than the way I feel.

I know I’m not satisfied with where I am… professionally, personally and socially. I know there is so much I want to do… so many different things to the extent that I don’t know what it is exactly that I want to do. I don’t know where I should start.

I know I want to teach, coach, inspire, do art, be a public speaker, write more, publish something, travel more... In the same time I want to build a career for myself... I'm driven and ambitious and I want to reach places.

I thought I’d be more independent, carefree and spontaneous. In my head, I lead a different life. Like I have another personality that no one got to see, not even myself. I’m starting to doubt it even exists. Like maybe I have to settle that this is who I really am. But I cannot. I refuse to accept this! And I cannot.

I feel old and it is not about the number. True the fact that I’m turning 30 soon is making me think about it more… but it is a lot more than turning 30.

I cannot find my happy place. It is frustrating. And it is hindering me. In everything… in expressing myself and in excelling. I wake up every day and I don’t have any passion or excitement. I feel like I'm diagnosed with chronic boredom.

I wake up with no expectations. And I'm always demotivated. Even the things I’m good at… I’ve become okay! Nothing makes my day… no matter how awesome it is! I cannot give anything anymore. Not at work and not to the dearest people to me.

I don’t think I’m successful, I don’t think I’m beautiful…

But I’m sure I cannot live this way. I look at myself in the mirror… and this is not the person I want to see. Not the way I talk nor the way I walk. I’m not happy with my look or how I feel inside. I don’t recognize myself because this is not at all who I thought I’d be.

I cannot keep on going thinking the best is yet to come. I feel helpless and it pisses me off. I need to change my life, I cannot wait for the change.

I need to figure it out. I need to be able to be happy with who I am. I can’t find any reason for people to like me, because I don’t like myself right now. I need to get out of this corner I’m stuck in so I can really inspire. I know I can. I’m born to shine!

What is Stopping You? Umm… Me?

2015-08-12T09:51:00.000+02:00

How many days have you woken up and decided today is going to be a better day? Not because you have this hinge that something will be different about it, but because you think you will be able to do things differently.

Personally, I get so many of these days. I wake up with a big smile, super positive… and in that spirit I put my make up on and make sure my hair all puffed up and nice… I dress up, get into my car, stop for my favorite coffee, play my favorite music and starting singing! I’m cheerful!

But then after the second song, pretty much... the old, grumpy, indifferent me comes back. All the negative or pointless thoughts start hitting me, one after the other... "it's been ages since I've been to the gym," about work, my personal life, my family, friends, my social life, the need to go to church more often, my diet, my spirituality, my big dreams around my career, love,‘oh Lord, I’m turning 30 where did my life go?!” And before I know it, my positive outlook to life and my desire to do things differently is gone! Surprisingly most times, nothing has happened to trigger this negativity.

So I’m really wondering what stops us from keeping the smile, thinking positively, singing in our cars, packing our bags and going on an adventurous trip, working out daily, being really open to expressing what is exactly on your mind, and courageous enough to meet new people? I wish I knew… Sometimes I think it is out of habit that we are inclined to being negative, other times I think it is routine, culture, pressure to do things in certain way, worrying about work, or how people feel, satisfying others… I’m not sure!

But I guess acknowledging that you need that change… is still somehow a good start!

How to lose a loyal customer? Ask #mobinil...

2014-08-10T10:50:00.001+03:00

I never thought I'd write a negative post about a brand, I always thought for this to happen, one must be really pissed off... Truth is, I am!

How hard is it to get a data line activated? Well let me tell you... it's been a week and #mobinil hasn't figured it out yet!

Last Sunday, exactly a week ago, I bought a data line for my iPad from the City Stars branch... the lady told me it takes 24 hours to get activated, so I waited.

Monday... it didn't work... so I tell myself, give them another day, it's not the end of the world. However on Tuesday it still doesn't work. So I give them a call on their hotline. We go through the entire process of "How to Setup a 3G Connection 101" and we fail. We reset the connection. We go into APN setting and write "mobinilweb" (which by the way... your customer services guys need to come to an agreement on whether it's mobinilweb or Mobinilweb because every time I call I get different instructions). Anyways, when the guy (or girl... I lost track from the endless number of poor reps I've spoken to over the last week) fails to help me, he tells me someone from the "specialized team" will call you in 24 hours.

The next day (Wednesday), they call me when I'm at work and naturally I miss the call because I'm in a meeting, so I call them back... Another rep answers me and tell me: "it says on the system that your problem has been solved." So I let him know that it is not. We go through another bunch of trials to make sure the line I have isn't working (I insert the sim to my phone and it still doesn't work) and that the iPad is working fine (I insert the line I had in my phone into my iPad it works fine) - a process that takes a good hour at least because he had to call me back a few times after restarting my phone. When we finally agree on the conclusion that they are the ones with the problem he tells me, "there must be something wrong with the sim card, please go to the closest branch and have it replaced."

So, Thursday after work I go to the branch in Abbas El Akkad, Nasr City (God forbid any of you have to go through this experience) and I'm surprisingly cheerful because I feel my problem is almost solved. I'm quiet nice to the rep there and he replaces my sim card... and guess what it still doesn't work. I even tell them I'm willing to pay for another package because believe it OR not, they weren't sure my package was activated and the system was down at that time (a serious joke) and I even offer to buy a real "nano sim" instead of the one they break - and they said that would be EGP 30 and I said fine... but he decided it won't be necessary.

So when all fails, he calls another guy (one with a serious attitude problem) and in a matter of seconds my mood shifts from pleasant to irritated. He finally says that we did our part and there is nothing more we can do, we'll post a complaint and someone will call you. I get annoyed I tell him this would be the third complaint I file... So he starts shouting and accuses me of shouting. So I do get fed up... I ask him and the original rep if there is any need for me here or if I can go... and he says "etkeli 3ala allah!" - offensive!

I go home and call customer services because I'm not too confident that he actually raised a complaint... he has and I tell the rep on the phone that I'm really frustrated (with my problem and the rude rep) and need a solution asap as I need to be connected for work... he promises that someone will call me in 24 hours (AGAIN) and apologizes for the bad experience I have had.

On Friday.... after my 24 hours were up and no one has called... I decide to use another channel to voice my complaint... I use Twitter @mobinil and I write:
@MadOnnaMekhaiL
@Mobinil customer services are trained to make u #regret the day u chose to join their network. #serious #fail

Me and this guy get into a discussion and he tries to help... bottom line conclusion... you guessed it... they raised a complaint and need another 24 hours to figure it out.

On Saturday, and after my 24 hours are up AGAIN and no one has called for the second day in a row... I'm not bothered to call because I'm hopeless... but I decide to publicize their failure to meet customer needs, and I post this on twitter again:
@MadOnnaMekhaiL
Another 24 hours without hearing from @Mobinil. They r experts on losing a once loyal customer. #fail

I receive this response, I honestly thought it was hilarious....
@Mobinil
@MadOnnaMekhaiL we resend the complaint to the concerned department and they will contact u ASAP ^HO

So I send my honest response:
‏@MadOnnaMekhaiL
@Mobinil #Whatever. Even if u do... doesn't change the fact that u r the #worst customer services i ever came across.

Today is Sunday and of course it is too early for them to call... And I figured I cannot waste an hour daily, for a week to figure out a simple issue... But I decided to make time to write this because at least I can tell them that they are truly unprofessional in terms of technicality and attitude. Let alone, I've been carrying my un-functional iPad around for a week IN CASE they call! I've just really had with #Mobinil!

So, today after work I'll visit the branch again but this time to close this line! Because this shouldn't be rocket science.

#Mobinil managed to piss off and lose a once loyal customer. We're a family of five we have always been #mobinil customers since our move back to Egypt in 2001 and despite the glitches along the way I would have still chosen it as my network... Today, not anymore!

Not only have I never complained about a brand publicly but I haven't used this blog in months... So you must really imagine how frustrated I should be! Thanks #mobinil for making your customer's life harder... These are my 30 minutes of my day that I don't regret wasting on you!

And again I say it... even if you solve my problem now, doesn't change the fact that you failed to me help me on every level!

2013... Was Different!!

2013-12-31T15:50:00.000+02:00

I've been terrible at posting... a year has gone by and I probably wrote less than a hand full of posts... and in all honesty I don't know where the time has gone... I'm usually a better writer when it comes to drama... so as much as it sucks that I haven't been writing... I feel it could be a good sign... means maybe I have had a good year!

So let me take this chance... to just jot down a few thoughts... won't even go back and look at what I wrote or edit it... let's see what comes out..

2013 was a different year for me the least to say. There was the good, the bad and the expected... all in all I have to say... looking back this year has been a one of a kind experience.

Starting off... the whole experience of being away from home for more than the year was unexpected. With this... lots of changes were made. It really gave me the chance to clear my head from so many things and distractions that were blurring my vision.... I let go of anything and anyone who could be holding me back... I had a year of self/quality time.. Which in all honesty, I needed and really enjoyed.

I learned the true meaning of independence... I learned a lot of values. I learned that its really hard to keep in touch with friends and that it is a two way effort... nothing comes easily. I must admit along the way I might have lost some friends! I also learned that others rose up... and became closer to me compared to before. Hence, learning that distance really isn't an element... it really comes down to how much effort you're willing to put in.

I also made new friends... learned to come out of my comfort zone... don't be shy about meeting new people and new experiences. I met people who... right now I cannot imagine how I'd leave them behind. To those friends.. I want to say... in 2014, I'm willing to put in the effort to stay in touch.

I think most important lesson was... not to accept less than one deserves from others.

Work has also been one hell of a change this year. Its been exiting, hectic and crazy... I've enjoyed working for a BIG entity... one that really makes the world a better place... Not just something you'd say in an ad; gives you a whole different sense of self actualization. I travelled around, which is always interesting. I had the chance to live in Dubai for more than a year and a chance to visit Oman, Turkey, NY and Connecticut. All in all, it has been some interesting cultural experience...one I enjoyed and plan to continue to enjoy...

Family... well it was very hard being away from my family for so long. The sense that they need me and I'm not there is a killer. Also the effort to keep the bond regardless of the distance wasn't easy... you learn to value them more... when something happens and you really wish they're here with you... but they're not.

Fun... this year wasn't so bad... I had fun, went around, laughed hard, met new people, went to new places, tried new experiences... may be not all of them were great at the time, but looking back, I enjoyed 2013.

Of course there are always stuff to look forward when you look ahead... I won't make a list of resolutions which are only good on paper... But let me say... Yes! There are few things I'd like to work on... personally, socially and career wise in 2014. I feel I've spent enough time learning who I am and what I want in life... I learned what makes me happy.

I will not say I wish 2014 to be better than 2013... I'm thankful for my past year with all its good and bad. I'm walking into the new year with a lot of optimism for myself, my family, my career, my friends and my country.

Be thankful for your past year... and I wish everyone a more than AWESOME year to come.

The Country Person in Me...

2013-08-04T13:43:00.003+02:00

A lot of people call me picky... and I think I am. I've come in terms with it. But recently I did realize that I'm very hard to please. I came to Dubai and I wasn't exactly impressed by the country. And lately I've been to NY, and I wasn't impressed either... When people hear that some get annoyed, they think I'm being too snobby... other are sarcastic... and some people even get defensive (don't ask about that)!

So I gave it some thought and I realized I'm not a city person... really! Cities are nice to go to for a few hours, spend a night... go crazy every once in a while.. but to live in these BIG ass, huge, fancy cities isn't something I aspire too... Tall buildings (no matter how glamorous) don't impress me. On the contrary... they stress me out... City lights and billboards hurt my eyes. Traffic... well that brings the worst out of me!

I live in Cairo (originally)... and that is one hell of a city! You've got the buildings, the traffic, the huge population, the pollution, the honking, the beeping, the sellers, the beggars, the lights, the tunnels, the bridges... it's the true definition of a busy city. And I love it.. because it's my hometown... but if I'm going on a holiday... Nopes, I don't want to be in another stressful location. I want a nicer, calmer place to be in. So ya NY was fun for a few days but I don't have the urge to go back there again... that's not what I consider a holiday. I take holiday to relax... not ones that send me back home more stressful.

It's cool to claim that I'm a city girl, the big star, the hot shot! But I'm not. If I ever have to leave Egypt I'd want to move some place quieter... greener... houses not apartments... ride a bike... walk a dog, have a decent walk... enjoy my backyard... park in my own garage... Some place where I'm surrounded by nature, trees, flowers and a lake... Some place where i can relax after work... generally have a peaceful life!

So ya... it makes me sound boring... but I am a country side person! I can always go to the city... Enjoy it for a night, a weekend... but my day to day life... I'd want to be in a place that helps me think... helps me recharge... free my mind... enjoy beauty and value SILENCE.

Something Changed...

2013-04-06T13:09:00.000+02:00

So when I herd I was coming to Dubai for a few months, I thought this is a great opportunity to make use of this time alone... I'm usually a person of strong will, and if I set my mind to something I'd do it...

I realized I'd be having a lot of time on hand, a lot of me time, a lot of alone time... and I figured this a chance for me to do a lot... but ever since I came here, I honestly don't know where the time does... I put it in my head that I want to achieve some stuff during my stay here and honestly I'm very disappointed at myself... because I've achieved none of them....

So that was my initial plan:

I've always dreamed of learning multiple languages, so I thought this was an opportunity to brush on my French while I'm here, take a class after work or during the weekend! Obviously haven't done it.... haven't even looked into where I can take these classes.
Be more outgoing, do activities on my own, don't be timid to learn to enjoy activities alone, even be open to meeting new people. Let's see... I'm very reluctant to do things on my own! For example there is a concert tonight that I really wanted to go and since I didn't find company I passed, I don't know why it is hard for me to do any activity on my own (except shopping to be honest, which I wish I can actually learn to control, anyway, not the point...) So, I'm not pissed at my friends for being un-supportive of an activity that I wanted to do as much as I am pissed at myself for being reluctant to go on my own, despite really wanting to go (donno if that makes any sense). The only time I go out and have fun, is when I've got company (usually people visiting), and that shouldn't be the case because my circle of people is so tiny, so I should really learn to go out and have fun. I also haven't made 1 new friend since I came here, work people are nice colleagues, others are random acquaintances, but a new friend, I haven't given myself a chance to meet new people... which is kind of weird, the beauty of travelling around is meeting people.
Make use of my free time (and the fact that the gym is right in my building) and exercise more regularly! I want to get fit and in shape! Guess what, as embarrassing as it is to say, I haven't been even ONCE to the gym. It's right in my building and I tend to find excuses for not going. Like time!! It's a 24/7 gym in my building and I'm saying I don't have time to go. And I guess this is one of the major things that piss me off at myself... like major disappointment!!
Develop my talent, my big dream! To read more and write more. And this is also something I'm just so pissed at myself for. Ever since I came here in Nov. 2012, I wrote no more than 5 posts, I wanted to start writing a new story and I just wrote 1 page of it... I'm just uninspired! I bought 3 new novels that are all lying on my table... And I do have time, I just don't have the will to pick up the book and read it

So I don't know what has happened to me, I've lost interest in a lot of things that I was once passionate about, I lost the will to get up and do something I want or something I care about... I'm just living from day to day with no set purpose or plan... I'm not enjoying the things I like to do... I've become so restless, it's annoying! I'm never excited about anything... and it's just not me!

I'm also so restless... before I used to wake up early, get up from the first buzz of the alarm, now... I can almost snooze for an hour, getting out of bed is like torture for me. I'm unmotivated to get up, I literally push myself out forcefully.

So I've got 3 months left here... with a lot of time on my own... I want to try and use them to see more places in the city. Depend on myself more to have fun, rather than wait for someone to join me, read more... write more, be more optimistic about life... have more fun! Be more optimistic and find motivation again.. Be out there and enjoy it... Find the stuff that excite me and I do them...

So hopefully I can get over myself... and just live, who cares how or with who... just do the stuff that make me happy, so I can regain the will and excitement about life!

Oman... A Different Gulf!

2013-04-04T15:32:00.002+02:00

I cannot claim that I'm an expert on on the Gulf region, I haven't been to each and every country in the GCC but I assume I know a little something... But I am a sucker for the region. I lived in Saudi and people think I'm insane to claim I love it, but I do... it was home for a very long time and it's the only childhood I ever had and knew...

So the below, is not an attack on any country it's a bunch of observations in hopes of showing admiration to Oman!

So, again... I was born and raised in Saudi Arabia, lived there for a good 18 years. Took a break back home and then I recently moved to Dubai and have been living there since October 2012. I've also been briefly to Bahrain, and I have lots of friends in Kuwait and herd a lot about the country (but in all fairness have never been their for long).

Earlier this week I had a one day trip to Oman (Muscat), and although it is very short of a time to know about the country it was long enough to know that Oman stood out from the rest of the Gulf, or at least the countries where I have been.

For starters, I have to say its a beautiful country. Lots of nature and culture. And I can't say they controlled it but I have to salute them for preserving it. This is a country that doesn't care about building skyscrapers, why would they when they have beautiful mountains in every corner and the Gulf running through the entire city. I was told their buildings don't exceed 8 floors and coming from a place where people compete to build the tallest tower in the world, I have to say it was quite soothing seeing greenery and the sky, I kind of miss them! I think Omanis learned to appreciate the beauty of their country that makes them stand out.

I was also impressed by their active participation in the different sectors and working fields. I got out of the airport and received the shock of my life, I was riding in a cab where the driver was a local Gulfy. In my head I thought he must be an exception. And then the three cab drivers we rode with were Omani... I later learned that none-locals aren't even allowed to be cab drivers. They believe during a taxi ride they are the best fitting people to educate passengers about Oman. They know their country better than anyone!! And I think that just triggered respect.

I then got to the hotel where the door man and bell men were locals. The music in the reception was played by an Omani. And in my head I thought... "Wow! This is a country that can sustain itself even if it's expats leave!" For a minute I was surprised, even felt awkward because in other countries in the Gulf, locals leave the perceived low end jobs for expats! But I realized... this is how the world works. I'm glad I've lived to see a self sustaining Gulf country!

The culture is also interesting. The way they dress and the pride they take in the different colors of the head turbans. I was also impressed by the building designs. They're not after the modern look... here in Dubai I barely see anything that looks Arab or represents the heritage, but in Oman, I've seen an HSBC with an arabesque design and I loved it. We are Arab and we have a look that makes us distinctive, so why not brag about it and educate the world on it... In the several conversations I have had with Omanis I have noticed that they pride themselves in their ethical standards and their manners... and I would say anyone could say that, but I honestly felt it.

Finally, I felt extremely welcomed! They were happy we were visiting, asked if we're coming back and hoped we stay longer next time... even asked how things were back home in Egypt by more than one person.They expressed their love for Egyptians and how we are welcomed here... and with all honesty... I was never more comfortable in conversation around a local Gulfy except there!

I loved Oman, loved the nature, the culture, the people, the ethics... Would love to go back again, not for work, but for a holiday!!

- I understand my observations may not be accurate due to my short stay, I also understand some observations about other Gulf countries may be stereotypical and I apologize for that. I hold A LOT of love and respect for these countries and people.

Perfect Illusion

2013-02-12T20:26:00.002+02:00

We often create this vision for our life... and most of the time its perfect! You imagine that if you plan it right and work for it, there is no reason why life wouldn't turn this vision into reality.

You study hard, you land the best job.
You land the best job, you make good money.
You make good money, you have a great life.
You have a great life, you meet awesome people.
Your meet awesome people, you end up with a good partner.
Your end with a good partner, you have brilliant kids.

But as you move along, you realize that the life you envisioned for yourself is probably an illusion. And illusions are the only place where this vision is perfect. But snap out of it and come to reality you realize that life isn't all pinkish!

You might be with the person you love but that doesn't mean you don't have days when you can't stand their voice! You might be progressing with you're career but that doesn't mean you're satisfied. You might even be happy with your job but that doesn't mean there isn't this one person who just kills your mood at the office. You might be good, decent person but that doesn't mean you're appreciated! You might be sexy but that might not mean you're loved! You might be a good friend, but the doesn't mean the friendship will last.

There is always a "BUT" to the happy story... and in all fairness, this is life. It can't all be cheerful and happy. It can't always be perfect... in fact we know the minute we start to grow up, that perfect doesn't exist!

It's probably not as dramatic, life isn't that bad! However... sometimes you wonder, when does it go right? Or does it ever go right? When do I just relax and enjoy the moment... When do I smile without the back of my head reminding me of some problem of some sort! And especially as we grow older, the stress of realizing that the time of turning this illusion into reality is decreasing is what frustrates you even more. Or perhaps its not too late because you can always change your life, but rather you've expected certain years of your life, your youth, to go differently.

And maybe this is why it is called an illusion.

"BUT" that doesn't mean that we stop closing our eyes a few minutes before we sleep and dive into the utopia we dream of. In fact it's the hope that this illusion may one day become a reality is what keeps us going! The fact that "BUT..." can sometimes be used in a positive light is what makes this illusion even more beautiful.

This Is Who I Am!

2012-12-11T22:24:00.001+02:00

So let me give you a brief background on who I am if you don't know me. I'm a normal girl; born and raised in Saudi, in fact I lived there 18 years. And then after high school, in 2004, I went back to my home country Egypt for university and soon after my career. I've worked in Egypt a total of 4 years and then I landed a job that allowed me to travel to Dubai for a few months; and that's where I reside now!

BUT that's not the point behind my post!
Here is what really pisses me off; they're actually 2 things:

People not understanding that I do miss home while I'm in Dubai. I get that Dubai seems to be more appealing than Egypt at the current time; or even at any possible time; however I do miss home; in fact I love home. And it really annoys me that when I say that people assume I'm not happy here or that I'm crazy to say Egypt is better. You know what! YES! Egypt is sometimes better; at least to me. It's home; it's where my family and friends are and its where I feel secure! YES, I said secure, despite all what you're seeing and reading on the news! So fact is Dubai is a great place to live; I'm not comparing and contrasting... but I do miss home, all the time. And it's even more annoying when people sarcastically say: "oh so you miss the roits," "oh so you miss the MB being in rule," "oh so you miss the terrible traffic," "oh do you miss the polution..." the list can go on forever. Fact is I miss my country with all its good and bad. Call it beauty in the eye of the beholder; but it's my home and I love it and I MISS IT! Being homesick does not make less of Dubai, it just means I love my country a lot even if I'm surrounded with lavish luxury! Also remember that I am here temproraily; so the instability surrounding that makes me miss home even more!
Equally annoying; is people not understanding that I do LOVE my childhood in Saudi Arabia. I'm Christain girl and in almost everyone's opinoin this could be the worst combinatoin anyone has to live with in Saudi... but it's not. I probably had a brilliant childhood compared to people who lived anywhere else in the world. People won't get it unless they've been there, but there is something about Saudi that brings people together, closer! That's not just it... I've lived there 18 years! In fact... who I am today comes back to the time I spent in Saudi and how it forumulated my personality. It's my home too... and if people don't get that... at least they can respect it. Saudi is not all about a veil. Ya, you can't party... but there is alot more you can do and tons of memories to live by... and it's not fair that others just belittle it.

Anyways... thats all I wanted to say. I was really annoyed and I had to let it out. Egypt and Saudi are part of who I am. I love them both. I miss them both. And I really don't care if people decide I'm crazy for it.

Egypt... I Miss You!

2012-11-27T14:07:00.000+02:00

So you know, no matter how much you complain when you're back home about how you'd love a new experience and how much you need the change, like that would be the solution to all your problems. Let me tell you that is not always the case.

No matter how happy you are wherever you are and no matter how impressed you are by which ever city you land upon; even if it's supposedly one of the best in the world... you will still be homesick.

And regardless of the many problems and complexities that come along with the baggage of being home; you'd be surprised that when you're home with your family, the people you love and the streets you know best (despite their insanity) you are in your comfort zone. You don't have "major" issues to worry about it. Being away from home and alone makes you worry. Makes you fear things you never thought about and makes you realize what is really important for you.You don't realize how easy your life actually is when you are worry free. And yes, regardless of the never ending mess Egypt is going through, it is EASY!!!

It's home... you can't ask why or how or be surprised, but you just love it to the bones.
In the end there is no place like home.

I'm homesick.
Being away from you sucks; and having to watch you on the news sucks even more.
I miss my family, my friends, my home, my room, my bed, my car, my old job, Egyptian people, our streets, our smiles, our music in the streets, our problems, our food, our traffic, our spirit, our humor... I miss my comfort zone!

I miss Egypt! I miss home!

Dubai: The Arab Land of Dreams!

2012-11-17T12:13:00.001+02:00

So I've been in Dubai for a little over 10 days now and I'm still discovering what this city is all about, however there are a few things that I have started to figure out!

First of all let me say... Dubai is definitively a great city to live in, no question asked. Yet... you know when you have such high expectations in a place after all the stuff you hear and then you come here and you're like okay... I was expecting a lot more. It is a nice, clean, organized, good quality of life city but there is nothing really special about it. Its a typical city! - what we call in Arabic... "3ady!"

Maybe my lack of "impressiveness" comes back to the fact that i was born and raised in KSA, so things are pretty much similar all over the gulf if you give people their liberty! So it's nice but I wasn't heart stopping-ly amused. And if you tell me, "oh shopping here is crazy," we kinnda have all these shops in Egypt, and the prices aren't all that different!! - in my humble opinion :)

Of course the construction here is beyond impressive, however it's all artificially and financially made! So ya, they have the tallest building in the world, the biggest fountain, the largest aquarium and probably a bunch of other Genius World Records...but there is nothing really natural about the place! And after a while it hurts the eye to see 40 skyscrapers, each in it's own design lined up next to one another without any synchronization as if competing for the weirdest design award! - again, I'm just saying!

So, me being Egyptian and just moving here from home, let me tell you what I miss and don't miss about home!

What I miss about Egypt::

Mama... obviously and every lastingly! Baba... all the time! Mondy... my awesome sis! And Monmon... for some reason, I miss him more since I got here! LOL - psychology is an insane game!
My car... taxi's here are expensive and it's not a small city. It would cost a lot if you decide to cab your way through life!
Friends! This place needs lots of company so you can go out and have fun... I mean you're never going to go out at night alone.. it doesn't make lots of sense!
Missing out on events :( - Like missing my best friend's first baby coming to the world; and what seems like missing Christmas and New Year with the family... and who knows what else will happen while I'm here!
Knowing my way around! I have "zero" sense of direction and I used to get lost in Cairo, so you must imagine what it's like to be here.
Food... here the food is tasteless. I had the worst sushi and the worst burger in my life over here! And the rest is just.. bleh! Tasteless!
"Ya Anesa," - I miss that word! Ever since I came here it's all about "Madame!" Tab I'm not a madame! Seriously!
Mobinil - I miss you! The network here is annoying. It never works, the normal network stinks; and 3G stinks even more! And I hate all those rules against free calling apps on the phone, they're blocked! They kind of killed the idea behind iPhones! Seriously!! No wonder Blackbery's are a lot more common here!
The cheapness of cabs - seriously I never realized how much that was a blessing!
The Culture - I miss the place having a character... here it's all man made, financially enhanced buildings... the locals are almost none existent, and it's people from all walks of life... not every interactive with one another, so it's just a disconnected community.
The sound of the Egyptian accent and the faces of Egyptian people. Ya, we have a lot of crap happening in our country and it's not the number one destination to live at, however if you think when you get out of there you won't miss it, you're crazy! You will enjoy life wherever you are, but you will miss it, a lot and you will smile every time you hear an Egyptian and you will get excited when someone asks about your country and you will be very proud to be Egyptian :)

What I don't miss about Egypt:

Traffic and pollution - seriously here the streets are relaxing! I definitively don't miss cars beeping all the time.
I don't miss the 127, 128 and the Shaheens - the cars here are the most beautiful thing to watch! Never knew it's pleasurable to watch cars! They sell Ferrari's and Harley's in malls:)
Public transport - you see it's a mixed feeling! I miss how things were cheap back home; however I rode a metro here, and man it was pleasant!! It was an un-stressful experience. And the prices are very reasonable!
The freedom- here everyone is free to do and dress up the way they want. No one can really object; and everyone is respected. That could be the most outstanding thing about this place.
The seriousness for work - people here really take their jobs seriously, and they work hard and a lot. During the week, its a busy bee cycle. Of course it's hectic but it's brilliant!
The arrogance of sellers - here they're all so friendly. If they stop calling me Madame! LOL!
Walking in the street carefree - if anyone knows me they would know I hate walking in the streets! I would take my car rather than walk for three minutes; not because I'm lazy but because it was sort of humiliating to walk in the streets of Egypt, with the trash, the terrible traffic and the hormone driven men! Here, I voluntarily walk in the street; where traffic rules are clear, I cross the road without the need to run, people are very respectful, there is a clean pavement for me to walk on and men are "trained" or obliged to co-exist with women without the need to harass them... it's brilliant!

So that's all so far! I guess the key factor here is cleanliness, freedom, organization, huge buildings, the kick ass BIG malls and whatever crazy stuff they can do with their money, like building an aquarium with sharks in the middle of a mall; but other than that, nothing heart stopping. Lesser than than expected, at least for me. And for the record the airport is not all that crazy! It's just an airport, blown outta proportion! - you can call me picky! or over expecting! - I'll live with that!

So yeah... Dubai is the Arab Land of Dreams, or so I like to call it, its the center of the region, the place where everyone aspire to live for someday, even me! And despite all mentioned above, I'm enjoying it and enjoying the decent quality of life here... but I miss home too... and I always will!

I was just trying to draw a realistic picture for the sake of expectations adjustment!

It Is Near...

2012-11-02T15:15:00.000+02:00

We often hear about these sad stories: like someone dying in a car crash, a young person having cancer, a person getting mugged, a fire happening in someone's home, someone loosing a parent, kid, husband, wife or a friend, living with a disability or the aftermath of a terrible accident ... or for all that matters anything scary and dramatic of that sort.

And for some reason we assume that these things would never happen to us or even to people we know or are close to us... But when they start to happen to your family, cousins, friends or neighbors it hits you... that death or whatever harm out there is near!

And I don't mean to be dramatic, pessimistic or depressing... but it makes you think that may be you need to be more prepared, aware and alert that like everyone else it might happen to me or you. But I guess, yes... it is depressing and hard to deal with and accept.

So it is near, that is the fact. And I hope God gives people the strength to endure these experiences, I hope it stays away from me and my beloved ones and I really hope its stays far... at least for as long as possible!

- God Bless!

The Running Egyptian....

2012-10-14T15:29:00.002+02:00

As I drive in my car, air conditioned... complaining about traffic and the increasing price of gas... and probably the annoying commercial breaks on the radio.. I look out the window.... and realize how naive and limited I could sometimes be....

And that is what I see... I see Egyptians running... just running to get by with their day. They spend all their time running, hoping they get through the day!

They wake up and the race begins... they run to buy bread... then run to get to work... then run to catch the bus which for the record is terrible, but its their only option. Let alone that they can run for miles and still miss the crappy bus... humiliating every bit of pride they ever owned!

They graduate and find no job; so they start selling tissue and other random products on the street. And they run like beggars to each car that passes by in hope of getting anything out of them... And maybe one day run into a friend or classmate and sink in embarrassment at how life got him to this stage...

I see little kids working instead of being in schools.... running after each customer for an extra tip...

Old people and handicapped people sitting on street sides hoping someone would give them 50 piasters or something to eat because they didn't find a system that would give them the respect and support they need!

I see people going through trash in hopes they would find something to eat... I see perfectly "once good" youth stealing and then running away like thieves.... I see them break the law and run away in order not to get caught! And as much as I like to call them corrupt... I give them the excuse... because the same guy who steals, is the same guy who would defend the girl in the street if someone was to hurt or harass her...

Sometimes I even see them give up... run away to other countries, or at least try, pay every penny they and their families own and then they either sink in the ocean or die out of grieve... and if they're lucky and they get back "home" they find themselves in places worst than where they left...

I see all these examples, and as much as get annoyed by them on the spot... I look at them and although I try to say that they're lazy, intolerable people... At first sight I say if they can run around the street all day they can find themselves a job! I criticize them... and then I realize that if they do get a job; they'd get 200 pounds... get 3 jobs; they'd get 600 pounds! But who could live with that for a month given the crazy prices and the on the rise inflation!

So I look at them again and I sympathize with them... Sad, that these once good people have probably turned into criminals, willing-lessly! I try to say they had a choice... but I know I'm kidding myself!

And I try to help... but what would some money do... help them for a day... make them smile today... I try to help further... I try to be more supportive, try to bring about change! But I believe this system is what needs to change!

If I'm depressed and tired of watching them run... how must they feel! Hopeless maybe. I'm sure they'd like to stop running for a while... catch their breath... take a break! At least for a while... so they gain the strength to run again... until maybe one day the stop running, and hopefully that won't mean they're dead... but rather living with dignity! The way "humans" should...

This post was inspired by seeing an Egyptian man run an entire street in hopes of catching the bus and he didn't... and a movie I just saw (Sa3a wa Nos)...

What Tomorrow Holds...

2012-10-06T00:03:00.000+02:00

We all wonder what the future holds for us... it's only natural! However, when you really think about it, you realize that we live a huge challenge everyday. We wake up and go on with our lives not knowing what tomorrow holds for us. Not just that! We don't know how the next minute could change our lives. What might happen; who might run into; or even simply what we might say and how much it could change our lives.

I think it takes a lot out of us to trust life and to give in to the fact that we make plans, or what we think are plans and go on from day to day. Although in a spur of a second... something, outta the blue, can come up and change all you thought you knew or all you expected out of life!

And don't get me wrong... the fear of tomorrow because of the uncertainty it carries may not necessarily mean that we're up for drama and or a terrible, sad twist in our lives. It should be something good, and exciting.

But the point is, we go to sleep everyday knowing that tomorrow carries for us the unexpected, with its good and bad, is a challenge. A big one! The fact that we get into our cars and drive, not knowing if we'll end up where we intended to... is freaky. The idea, that you might run into a stranger and he could be your soul mate is difficult to grasp.

We take the fact that there is a tomorrow lightly... very lightly in fact. I'm not trying to be dramatic, I'm trying to say that what we have is today... and that is what should count... making the best out of every minute it of it... in hopes that the actions, thoughts and words we say today will help us have a better tomorrow. But in the end of the day the only truth that lies ahead of us, the only thing we're certain of in the midst of this uncertainty .. is that we really don't know what tomorrow holds.

LOVE.... Is Everywhere!

2012-09-28T12:21:00.001+02:00

Once we hear the word "love," we mostly probably get mushy, gushy feelings. We envision flowers and hear humming. We're tempted to say "awwww!" We see a couple hand in hand at the beach...

And despite the fact that this scenery is mind blowing-ly nice and a dream come true to most of us, I got to say that it is degrading to "love."

Love is a lot more than a guy a girl... love is not just romance, love songs and roses. We've become manipulated by the books we read and the movies we see that feed into our brains that if you don't have a significant other you are not loved.

I often fall into this trap.

However, gladly, I've recently learned that there is a lot more to love... I've opened my eyes and heart to feel love... love that we are granted by so many people yet we chose to look at the half empty glass of water because no boy is down on one knee claiming his love to you.

Feeling the love and appreciation of people around you is a blessing. A blessing you don't realize, one that you take for granted until it really shines under your eyes... Love that is strong enough to replace the void you thought you had in your heart. Love is best when you realize you are loved... when you realize that the people you live with and see everyday care... that they value and appreciate you. That although they don't bring you roses everyday, deep within you mean something to them. It is best when it comes when you least expect it, from those we think they can't show affection.

Love is the little gestures that people around you make to show affection. Going to church just to pray for you! Calling you to wish you luck on a important day for you! Buying you breakfast! Making time for you! Smiling at you! Popping their head everyday in the morning to say good morning! Calling you just to say hello! Giving you a random hug! Teaching you something! Investing in you! Making sure you know that you will be missed! Writing you a note! Tagging you in a childhood picture! Letting you know you're important!

Love isn't just about the prince or princess you're waiting for. It's not about a romantic movie, a love letter or a late night romantic SMS. Love is a lot more bigger than that... a lot more stronger... a lot more respectable. Love is in eye of each one who cares about you. Everyone who appreciates you. Everyone who is willing to make time for you. Everyone praying for you. Everyone wishing you well. It your parents, your siblings, your kids, your neighbours, your friends, your colleagues, your clients, the seller at your everyday supermarket and coffee place you go to...

Love is everywhere...
We are all loved some way.... we just need to open our eyes and heart to see it!

Love you all :)

The Choice...

2012-09-07T20:46:00.002+02:00

We often complain about how our life lacks choices. We always say that "if we had a choice" a lot of things would be different... We assume that it would be easy to make the right choices and that the process of choosing is easy because you'd simply always know what to do.

But let me tell you...
This is BULLSHIT!!!

One of the hardest things I've ever come across is having the "luxury" to choose! Surprising as it may sound but it is not very easy to choose. Things aren't always easy and clear... And the process of going back and forth with the possible outcome and impacts of each choice you could make.

The fact that your choice is something you have to live with, at least for sometime, and that you have to live with it's consequences, good or bad, knowing that if something goes wrong you have no one to blame but yourself because it was your choice and no one else. And that is the worst part of things... that "it is your choice," and for some reason, it would be better if we can blame things on someone else... however when you "chose" you kindda gotta carry your own weight!

And especially when you are someone like me who doesn't have the ability to chose between two things, I realized that having the ability to chose a luxury I'm not really glad I have.... SO my best shot is to pick one direction... go with it... make peace with it... promise myself to make the best out of it it and enjoy it... and hope I don't regret later... And then may be... just may be... this "choice" turns out to be the best thing that ever happened to me...

I Don't Care

2012-07-08T12:14:00.000+02:00

I often feel bad about myself for caring too much. I feel that people perceive this care as a sign of weakness. And that in front of a selfish and mean person my care would portray me as stupid. It may also seem like I am naive when I care about someone who has hurt me once or twice before.

Hence, people assume that because I care, sometimes too much I admit, it would be okay to use and sometime abuse me. Since I am a bit selflessness then I'm the punch bag. That it's okay to mess up; I'd always be forgiving anyways.

Well, that obviously doesnt make me too happy. It makes me feel bad about and for myself. The result is I convince myself that I need to urgently change. I tell myself that I cannot allow others to think that it's okay to use me.

However, that being said... I figured... If my character downfall is "care" I can live with it. I'd rather be a caring person rather than being known for "hurting people".

So, yes I do care! The only thing I don't care about is what people think of me because of it!

~ Sigh!

Craving Cheesecake!

2012-04-23T22:30:00.000+02:00

So I figured... everything in life that you really wish for... you probably crave for at some point in time. For me, its cheesecake... I don't know what is it about cheesecake that makes it come to me in a severe rush every now and then... It's like this urge that comes to you... "I want cheesecake here and now," and there is one of two things; I either eat it or not. And when I don't again there are two scenarios... I either keep craving it for a while until I eventually get some cheesecake or I simply grow out of it and don't want it anymore...

So... am I really talking about cheesecake?
Nopes; it's quite metaphorical to anything we could possibly crave for...

Take for instance a guy you're craving for...
At first you're going nuts hoping you get him...
And then you don't...
And then you stay for a long time craving, hoping he ends up with you...
And after a while you start to resent him... not want him anymore!
May be you get the urges again every now and then, but eventually they disappear... or stop meaning much...

And who knows... maybe later, he comes to you... on a plate, on his own...
You still like him, after all you never really hate cheesecake, some of it is never bad...
But that insane, crazy feeling that you "crave for him" isn't there...
Is it sitting there on the plate and you're looking at it with deep "craving eyes?"
Not really... you're probably looking at it saying, "where were you when I wanted it?"
You're happy he came but it's not giving you the same satisfaction that you were looking for...
It lost this effect on you, the one that makes your eyes glitter... taste its beauty before taking a bite...
He's no longer this soft cheesecake with dripping, shinny sauce and freshly rounded berries...
He's just cake; tastes good but not heart dropping, delicious...

SO...
Don't settle for just cake... in almost anything!
Don't settle for just a normal dessert, for just a guy, for just a job or for just a dress...
Settle for what you crave for in its most intense moment...
Never settle for less than cheesecake... one that makes your eyes and heart sizzle... one that is mouth watering; a piece that you'd enjoy every single bit of; you wish it never ends... and you can't wait for more. The kind of cheesecake that excites you with every bite as if it's the first one.

Eventually... you'll find the perfect piece of cheesecake...
One that you almost always crave...
One that always gives you this insane sense of satisfaction...

Lost Beauty...

2012-04-16T02:36:00.001+02:00

We often come across people, experiences or situations that overwhelmingly are beautiful...

You are simply overwhelmed....
So you want the whole of it... you don't want bits and pieces of it... you want the entire scene...
You convince yourself that you'll find happiness right here, just this way... that there is nothing else in the world that you could possibly wish for...

You look at them... or experience them... and all you can think of is: this is how I want to spend the rest of my life... this is the person I want to wake up to every morning... I wish this would last forever... this moment should never end....

Its like you're in paradise... you're sleeping in the sun, on soft sand, water hitting your toes, smooth breeze making your hair twirl, listening to your favorite music, having the best drink, relaxing quitely, feeling free and happy, nothing is worrying you, enjoying every moment, helplessly smiling...

Who wouldn't want that to last forever...

And for once... this dream seems like reality... you can see it right in front of your eyes, experience it, touch it physically and emotionally... you're living it... all you're doing is hoping it lasts... and even that doesn't seem impossible... Every possible sign is saying you can have it, that it is yours...

AND THEN...
For some reason or the other, it just starts to change and fade away...
And naturally, you start to fight for it to stay...

And you get to a point where you no longer know whether you're living this once very beautiful experience you once had... because having it in bits and pieces its not like having the entire thing... the "breath taking" effect of utopia is no longer there....

And you sometimes convince yourself that having bits and pieces is better than having nothing!
And other times you tell yourself you should have all or nothing!
Then you go back to telling yourself that maybe the bits and pieces one day grow back to the beautiful place you once knew...
BUT deep down you know you deserve utopia... you don't deserve to wait in "hope for utopia..."

Until eventually you start forgetting the original beauty you once fell for...
The bits and pieces stop meaning the same... Their excitement decreases...They start making the once perfect picture, uglier every time... They start loosing meaning... They seem like essentials... not those sparkly things that once made you shiver with excitement and happiness...
That scene that you could almost always stare at with amusement... gives you a knot in your throat just by remembering it...

You still want the WHOLE thing...
BUT deep down you ask yourself if you'd still want it even if it comes knocking at your door...

POINT IS all this going back and forth, those pointless bits and pieces make this person, experience or scene just lose all its beauty...

And that is just...
Well...
A shame!

A beauty like this should have never been wasted!

~ Sigh!

I Need A Face!

2012-04-16T01:44:00.003+02:00

So this post wont make any sense...
Not even to me...

But I've been having this certain "problem" in my life, a problem I cannot really explain in words that makes sense either, but this problem... despite it being so prominent in my life, so vivid, and pretty impact-ful on my life... yet I cannot still clearly define it.

It's like you know a person really well yet you don't really know how they look; or remember their resemblance.

So if it makes any sense at all, I need a "face" to my problem...

Something that makes it more real, more understand-able... Cause leaving it completely up to my imagination is wrong. Imagination may make things seem better than they actually are; or worst than what they truly are!

I know I'm not making sense...
May be I cannot articulate this whole thing...

I dono...

But I deserve a truly defined thing. A face! Something I can remember; recall...
Things need to stop being so vague and unclear...
Clarity may help me decide how to handle things! Fight for them? Or let them go?
Something that would make everything make better sense...
Help me better evaluate...
Or Understand...

#Sigh....

I just need a face God Damn It!

Are We Really Stupid?

2012-04-08T11:31:00.001+02:00

I often wonder if we're really stupid...

OR if the things we hope for and want are what make us stupid...

Take love for example... love is crazy, blind and insane, I guess we can all agree to that... However, we're often certain, deep down, on a mental level, that this particular relationship will never work... So this must mean we're not stupid, because when we "think about it" we know it won't work... we're definite... it's a crystal clear fact right there in front of us...

When we get into this mental state we start making CLEAR self promises... we won't approach the person again, we'll leave things to come to and end, we'll let go, we'll say NO, we'll keep a distance, we won't fool our self and go back to being "friends," we'll avoid them, we'll stop ourselves from wishing them on birthdays and Christmas, we won't wonder what they think... AND SO ON...

But again that's our MIND acting...

And surprisingly we stick to it, and THEN one day or the other you're triggered, by a birthday, a song, a movie or any random memory... and UNFORTUNATELY... your emotions mess up you brain... they start moving in with a million random excuse and what if scenarios... what if they want to call but think we're uninterested, but we were great friends, but we were amazing together, we communicated so well, I know we'll eventually go back to speaking, I know we'll anyway end up together...

And BOOM, your stupidity rolls in at FULL speed... and you do something stupid... like give them a call... and we both know how this would end: regret and hurt AGAIN!

You find that your stupid weakness... or hope of being with someone, your inability to move on, or your illusion that this person is your perfect match is what MADE you STUPID... Although in a normal state of MIND you know what you're doing is wrong... pointless and stupid... you know the facts!

SO NO, we're not stupid... we go through emotional phases that make us STUPID!

I used the so called relationship example.... well 'cause I'm a girl and it's the one I can relate to most! BUT apply this to everything...

Who of us doesn't know that drugs, speeding, drinking, hurting someone, lying, smuggling, bullying or any STUPID thing we do is actually STUPID.... Deep down we all know that!

So... Am I the pro on fighting stupidity? Actually no, I'm a pro at being stupid... but recently I've learned that all it takes is a pinch of self control. KEEP fighting the feeling, the emotional rush, the weakness... until it goes away. Keep pushing it away for an hour, a day, or a week... and it'll go away.

Push away the phone, switch it off, take nap, go for walk, spend an hour at the gym, take a shower, watch a movie... keep pushing away the "weakness," tell yourself I'll get to it after the nap, after the shower... keep postponing the "stupid action," and you'll be surprised how much it would go away...

Hence, comes in my favorite line of lyrics: "It's just a moment, this time will pass..."

And you will be better...
Until the next one comes....
And you fight it again...
Then these feelings come at wider intervals...
And they come at weaker intensities...
Until they eventually fade out...

We're not stupid... we just need to better deal with stupid feelings!

More to Life...

2012-03-25T01:29:00.000+02:00

Lately all I do is think and evaluate...

I won't complain my life isn't dramatic or heartbreaking... I've done well on some fronts.... I understand some people have bigger, more disturbing issues and problems when compared to me... YET... when I look at my life, flashback and think... all that comes to mind is: WHAT THE HELL!? There has got to be MORE to life than THIS!

I think I've gone along in life too serious, too boring... too safe!

When I look at my life at 26 I'm sure there is a lot more to life than family, getting educated, working like a freak, more education, more work, shopping, going to the movies, the internet, soap operas, and sitting in a restaurant with friends...

All these are "good" stuff... but they're basics... pure basics... the normal boring stuff! The stuff you do and say: BLEH! And unfortunately my life is full of those!

But I don't have these insane, outgoing, crazy, adventurous, once in life time experience that I look back to and tell myself: I've lived my life to the fullest...

Unfortunately to me... I haven't lived my life to the fullest... probably not even a quarter full!

And yes... some stuff (that I prefer not getting into) have contributed to the "Bleh Lifestyle" that I have been destined to BUT for once I gotta say I take a huge part of the blame for that... they say: you're in charge of your own life... And I've probably been unsatisfied with my life for at least the last 6 years and I don't think it change a bit...

All I know is there has got to be more to life than THIS! And there has to be something I can do about it than hope that it changes! Although I wish it DOES change on its own.

There is MORE to Life.
More, that I'd like to one day see.
Some day... I GOT to look back and tell myself: WOW! I've lived life to the FULLEST!

The Unwritten Social Rules...

2012-03-02T23:41:00.001+02:00

Well there are some stuff we consider obvious... and I don't know why or who wrote it... but when you actually think about it, they don't necessarily make sense...

Here are some of them...

Your friends' ex-es are off limits... c'mon you should be over them... what if that exis your so called "the one?" What if that friend has 10 different ex-es, we just rule out opportunities...

The first one to speak after a fight is the weaker one... why can't we say he/she is the stronger one to over come his/her stupidity...

The one who says I love you first is the one to get hurt... well more or less, I gotta say this is kindda true...

That you can't tell your boyfriend/girlfriend in the beginning of a relationship that we need to excuse ourselves to go to the bathroom... especially if you're a girl you know its true... but c'mon we're all humans, going to the bathroom is only natural...

That if you ever come to admitting that you actually need the bathroom, you almost always just have to "pee"... well, I do agree it's kinda of a turn OFF to visualize your partner shitting (no offense) but it's also unnatural to imagine him/her not doing so... and again it's only natural....

Almost always, our first real relationship is a scam... Your first date doesn't go as planned, your first kiss doesn't go as planned... you almost always look back with regret! Why can't it be special... Why can't it be a movie...

Now AWAY from relationships...

Why do we think if we eat something fattening when no one can see us the calories don't count... like if no one saw us then it doesn't count! They do... and most probably you eat more once you feel you got the opportunity of being alone, so they count even more...

Once we say we're on a diet... we get hungrier and we crave things we never really ate, I hate spinach, when I diet I miss it... sad!

We only diet when we have a strong motive... other than that... we start we fail we start we fail we start we fail we start we fail...

The beginning of every week is the beginning of a new diet... then you realize you've been fake dieting for months and you haven't lost anything actually! I know... the "ugly truth!"

If you're chubby, fat or overweight... however your partner thinks you're beautiful... you right away stop thinking about dieting... why do we always want to look good for someone, why can't we look good for ourselves?

Why do we always have to lie about our weight even when we're fit and healthy... We always gotta pull back a few pounds!

AWAY from food....

We all talk to strangers... why can't we admit we sometimes its fun chatting with the unknown... why can't we admit that we often enjoy it more than talking to people we know...

How come shopping can sometimes make up for your worst day ever...

Home come we sometimes have the intention of "telling" our friends a certain detail about our lives yet once they ask us about it we feel reluctant to share the info...

Why is that after a certain age hearing that someone hooked up, got engaged, or got married makes us get a little fidgety... and we all feel the same way... admit it embrace it...

How come we never realize that the good moments were good moments until they're over... why can't we just learn to enjoy every moment for what it's worth...

You think if you insult someone in your head it doesn't count... well it does... you still have insulted him/her... and how come if someone tells you that he/she insulted you in their own head you get offended... hello, herd of karma?

WELL, the list can go on...
There are so many unwritten rules in life... things we just enforce and impose on our lives for no clear or avid reasons... But we take part in them naturally and thoughtlessly... Yet they're just stuff that we've created mentally and emotionally... And I personally don't know where or when they ever originated...