Garbage Of The Soul

The Unwritten Social Rules...

2012-03-02T23:41:00.001+02:00

Well there are some stuff we consider obvious... and I don't know why or who wrote it... but when you actually think about it, they don't necessarily make sense...

Here are some of them...

Your friends' ex-es are off limits... c'mon you should be over them... what if that exis your so called "the one?" What if that friend has 10 different ex-es, we just rule out opportunities...

The first one to speak after a fight is the weaker one... why can't we say he/she is the stronger one to over come his/her stupidity...

The one who says I love you first is the one to get hurt... well more or less, I gotta say this is kindda true...

That you can't tell your boyfriend/girlfriend in the beginning of a relationship that we need to excuse ourselves to go to the bathroom... especially if you're a girl you know its true... but c'mon we're all humans, going to the bathroom is only natural...

That if you ever come to admitting that you actually need the bathroom, you almost always just have to "pee"... well, I do agree it's kinda of a turn OFF to visualize your partner shitting (no offense) but it's also unnatural to imagine him/her not doing so... and again it's only natural....

Almost always, our first real relationship is a scam... Your first date doesn't go as planned, your first kiss doesn't go as planned... you almost always look back with regret! Why can't it be special... Why can't it be a movie...

Now AWAY from relationships...

Why do we think if we eat something fattening when no one can see us the calories don't count... like if no one saw us then it doesn't count! They do... and most probably you eat more once you feel you got the opportunity of being alone, so they count even more...

Once we say we're on a diet... we get hungrier and we crave things we never really ate, I hate spinach, when I diet I miss it... sad!

We only diet when we have a strong motive... other than that... we start we fail we start we fail we start we fail we start we fail...

The beginning of every week is the beginning of a new diet... then you realize you've been fake dieting for months and you haven't lost anything actually! I know... the "ugly truth!"

If you're chubby, fat or overweight... however your partner thinks you're beautiful... you right away stop thinking about dieting... why do we always want to look good for someone, why can't we look good for ourselves?

Why do we always have to lie about our weight even when we're fit and healthy... We always gotta pull back a few pounds!

AWAY from food....

We all talk to strangers... why can't we admit we sometimes its fun chatting with the unknown... why can't we admit that we often enjoy it more than talking to people we know...

How come shopping can sometimes make up for your worst day ever...

Home come we sometimes have the intention of "telling" our friends a certain detail about our lives yet once they ask us about it we feel reluctant to share the info...

Why is that after a certain age hearing that someone hooked up, got engaged, or got married makes us get a little fidgety... and we all feel the same way... admit it embrace it...

How come we never realize that the good moments were good moments until they're over... why can't we just learn to enjoy every moment for what it's worth...

You think if you insult someone in your head it doesn't count... well it does... you still have insulted him/her... and how come if someone tells you that he/she insulted you in their own head you get offended... hello, herd of karma?

WELL, the list can go on...
There are so many unwritten rules in life... things we just enforce and impose on our lives for no clear or avid reasons... But we take part in them naturally and thoughtlessly... Yet they're just stuff that we've created mentally and emotionally... And I personally don't know where or when they ever originated...

The Heart...

2012-02-28T23:23:00.000+02:00

So I'm just wondering these completely random thoughts about the human heart... and I'm actually talking about the real organ...

I don't know but we sometimes get these completely random and weird thoughts and I don't know if I'm the only one who gives these issues thoughts; but I guess we'll see... so here is how it goes...

Do you ever wonder if the actual heart organ is what makes us fall in and out of love... or is that metaphorical?

If the heart is in charge of all the mixed emotions, do you wonder what if we do a surgery? Would we be able to make someone fall for love with us? Or stop ourselves from loving someone?

If you get a transplant do you stop loving the people you already love? If someone else got your heart do they love the people you loved? If you get a new heart do you end up loving the people from whom this heart belonged?

If you get a brainwash or memory loss would you still be in love with the same people? If you don't would that mean your brain has a role in who we love?

Well... just wondering...

Blank...

2012-02-27T20:33:00.000+02:00

We often get those days when we're BLANK. Completely! Nothing particularly is going wrong; but nothing is exactly going well either... so you loose interest... and become indifferent. Everything seems meaningless and pointless! Every battle is a lost battle! Actually, you stop fighting anyways! I know I'm in this phase when I have nothing to write... and I haven't had anything to write for weeks. So unlike me. These days I'm just BLANK, with whatever meanings this word contains.

What Do We, Egyptians, Want?

2012-02-05T20:51:00.002+02:00

Okay, my opinion will piss off a lot of people... And I will be dissed and regarded as un-revolutionary... but in the so called "democratic" world we're pretending to live in, I'm entitled to express my opinion, regardless of what others WILL or may think...

So, personally, I don't see anything positive or promising since Jan. 25th, 2011... I keep trying to spot something positive in what has happened and I don't! And this revolution has unfortunately lost my support! And I don't know if I will be to support it again. I honestly have no reason to think positive!

What have we achieved since then... it's basically nothing? So what we have made a regime step down... what has happened since then... nothing. Are we moving forward, please take a moment to be honest with yourself and answer this question!

What have we gained?

Dying youth...

Moving from one temporary regime to another...

Insecurity...

Random attacks...

Screwed up tourism...

Weak economy...

Lack of productivity...

Massive losses in the stock markets...

Random chaos...
Religious tension...
More unemployment...
Lower wages...

Yes, what happened, we would have not imagined in a million years... it was a step, people planned and people achieved... but since then... what has happened?! I know... people will tell me I'm not being patient... that its yet too early for us to move forward... but we are moving backward and will continue moving backward... ASK ME WHY? Because we have no clue what the hell we want!!

We praise Shafeek, we damn Shafeek, we ask for Sharaf, we ask him to leave... we celebrate with the army and how we are one united hand and now we want them to leave DESPERATELY... we want democratic elections and then we cry over their results....

What the hell do we want!?

Why can't we give whoever is in charge a chance to do something?

And now... you want the military to leave?! What next... who will be in charge? Who do you recommend? Because at the rate that we're going we will never be happy with anyone... everyone who comes will be asked to leave in a month or two... And when we finally elect a president? In June or even tomorrow... what makes you think we will accept him or give him a chance to fix things! What makes you think we won't cry over who won the same way we cry over everything! And start this mess all over again!

Is this sane?

Do you see this as a plan?

How will attacking the Ministry of Interior help with anything? What are we trying to prove? Will it bring back the people who died? Will it help the truth to emerge! Or are we just ruining more buildings that could mean something for the us as Egyptians in the future. Where is the patriotism when we decide to ruin our country! C'mon people! Please! Some logic!

I'm not saying go home! I'm saying at least go back to Tahrir!
Stand peacefully!
Stop the violence....
People are dying!
Am I the only one seeing this! -uff!
Please!

And now, how is civil disobedience going to solve anything!?

Are we screwing the army or ourselves!

Do you realize civil disobedience means more lack of productivity and more screwed up economy? More massive stock loss? Do you know that it means that you won't get paid because your manager is a guy who gets paid as well and this is screwing him! Do you know that you won't find food for your children because factories will STOP production! The country will freeze due to the stoppage of public transport! Every single resource will be a scarce resource! I'm sorry, but this is bullshit! To me at least!

At the rate we're going, I don't see any hope for stability... And i'm not impatient... I'm speaking about a general attitude... We have no idea what we want!? I'm not exempting myself! No one knows what we want... and as a country this is the worst thing ever!

Where is the plan!? Our wants and requirements are growing! We wanted to put down a regime... and it's down... we keep making up stuff along the way. We keep shifting opinions. We are leaderless... and I doubt we'd agree on any specific route to take... we are in a political MESS!

We can't keep changing our plans hoping this one "inshalla" works out!
It won't!

I'm not anti-revolutionary! I was happy when it happened... when I thought we had a plan... when we I thought we knew where we were going... When like most people I was optimistic and had reasons to be hopeful... but now... seriously enough!

73 people died watching a match for God's sake!

What more are we waiting for!

We're the only losers in this game!

And for what!?!

And where else are we going! When does this end! And is it worth it?

Enough chaos for the sake of the people!

We're not gaining anything except young people dying!

Every person dead is a family ruined! A family who at the end of the day is left with nothing but pain. Because their loved ones... died for nothing in return.

Please ENOUGH...

Let's stop... breath... be patient...

And wait for change to happen... in it's normal path...

What will a few months change...

Slow down the chaos...

Enough demonstrations...

Give us a chance to pick up our pace...

Develop! Move froward....

Give those people who have promised change a chance to really enforce change!
Allow the people who have died... to have died for a cause!
Give this a cause a room to happen, to be achieved.

I know, no one will like this.

But in the "democratic" world we currently live in...

I think I'm entitled to say my honest opinion...

And you as a person who asked for democracy...

You're entitled to accept what I said.

I'm not passive...

I'm not ignorant...
Please all I'm asking is a chance for stability!
I'm begging you!

I too love my country!
I'm saying this because I love Egypt!
Because I feel bad for what's happening to Egyptians!
Because I want to see Egypt better!

Again... I'm begging you!

A Walk Down Memory Lane...

2012-02-05T19:52:00.000+02:00

I'm sure we all get these self evaluation moments... where for no good reason all the memories and experiences flash like a movie right in front of you... And most probably... they're the things you miss, the experiences that didn't end too well... the things you expected for them to be with you today, but they're not...

So last few days I have been on memory lane, and it kind of depresses you a little... in the beginning it seems like there are certain things and people that you have expected for them to be with and they're not... but with deeper thought, you realize that maybe these experiences were not really meant to happen...

I've taken the time to look at my previous memories... and I can confidently say that may be I'm not excited or happy about the way things ended... but sooner or later they were going to end. May be the end could have been tweaked a bit, slightly modified, extended a little longer but in a million years they would have not been a success. There were too many odds that would have stopped them from happening... So when you come to think about them, maybe the sooner they ended the better...

Of course there are things I wish I had done differently or not done at all... but the truth is... sooner or later it wasn't going to happen. They were stories meant to end before completion. Before I fought too hard to make them happen, but now I can say it to myself, that they were never going to see light!

And of course now that I'm calmer and more chilled I wonder why did they happen in first place. However, I gotta say that it's called experience for a reason. To learn! True, now I don't see why I was upset or why I wished they would work... but I learned!

And I think the main lesson learned is to know, admit and acknowledge when a battle is lost, when it is okay to let go... When it is not called giving up but rather accepting the facts of life. The things that seemed impossible and hard to accept in life, also unbearable are now memories that are years, months or weeks back... And we are still here... Alive and kicking! And still going on!

What If?

2012-02-03T12:42:00.002+02:00

I woke up on my usual Friday morning, determined to spend it watching my so called Grey's Anatomy new episode. And it always amazing when you watch something and it triggers something deep with in! You relate it to it... and you often feel like it answered something that you've always searched for an answer for.

Now I know... it sounds like I'm a medical drama sound philosophical! I'm not!

Basically this episode, episode 8x13 called "If, Then," (whether you're a fan of Grey's Anatomy or not) is about the what/if scenarios we create in our minds. If these things were to happen, how would our lives turned out? What if I had a different family? Fell in love with another guy? Had a different best friend? Or simply had a different life?

So this episode basically shows you how these characters' lives would've been IF thing were different!

And like anyone else in the world, we got into these story-lines, assuming things can be different or will be different... BUT in the end of the day your DESTINY always kicks in. Regardless how different the story-line is... things will end up as planned for you.

In my personal life, I'm a pro at creating What/If scenarios... I almost always wonder what if I acted differently? Said something differently? Been more patient? Been less caring? Kept my thoughts for my self?Had better temper? Was less emotional? Was more outgoing? Had a different lifestyle? Lived elsewhere? And the list goes on....

But apparently... what's meant to happen always happens.... the ending is the same. No matter how much we try to change it around.... Regardless of the what/if situations we create your destiny in the end will prevail.... if something was meant to end well it will and if something was meant to go wrong it would.... If you're meant to end up with some one, you will and if someone is meant to hurt you, he/she will. If you were destined to get the job, you will and if you were destined to be fun and charming you will.

So may be rather than creating these live time illusions that we immerse ourselves in we make the best of the lives we have... because what/ifs almost never happens unless it was determined to happen anyways!

A Perfectly Wasted First Experience...

2012-02-02T23:03:00.001+02:00

There are certain experiences we go through in life that we create certain dreams for... We create this vision for them and we imagine how they would happen...

And I'm not quite sure reality turns out to be as is....

These experiences could be...

Your first day of university classes...

The first car you drive...

Your first date...

Your first relationship...

Your first job...

Your first pay roll...

And actually we put in great effort imaging how this thing would be and go about...

But usually this experience comes and goes...

And you'd hate it!

And you keep wishing you have done it differently....
Waited longer...
Been wiser....
Saved it for the best...

You feel that your special first experience has gone completely in waste...

And it's annoying...

And frustrating...

And disappointing...

And you don't know if you're upset the experience didn't go well...
Or if your vision of that "first time experience" didn't go as you planned....
Or if you are are to blame for it being a flop...

But point is this first experience is GONE and NOT COMING BACK...
We are entitled to some crying over it...
But no crying would actually undo it and give you a second chance at changing the facts...

But then you wipe your tears...
Get up...
Tell yourself more and better experiences are yet to come...
You pray for forgetfulness...
And the ability to let go...
And the ability to move on...

And eventually we do...
We might not forget...
But we learn to live with the facts of this experience...
Try to learn from it...
Avoid it...
And hope the second on is better...
Maybe the third...

BUT in the end of the day...
Maybe we shouldn't worry any first experience...
But rather one that would last....

The Ugly Truth...

2012-02-02T22:05:00.001+02:00

The truth as a matter of fact is always ugly...

Some stuff walk into our lives... confidently and fiercely... we try to resist them...
Then they assure us that they are realities...
And insist....
And they forcefully impose themselves into our lives...
Until we actually get used to them being there...
And we start accepting them as part of our lives...
We start to take what they say for granted...
And believe it...
And create stories in our heads about them...
We adjust ourselves that they've become part of our life..
Even for a while...
But we assume it'll last...
Because they told us so...
We get into a mind set that they're here to stay...
That maybe an imaginary story we had...
May turn into reality...

BUT then...
Once we do get attached...
The withdrawal starts...

We realize that perhaps we took what they said for granted...
May be a little too far...
And it confuses you...
When you realize that perhaps you have built sand castles...

The truth comes to you as a strong slap on the face...
Because all you've heard was not necessarily from the heart...

And you beat yourself up for fall for it...

And then you click REWIND....
And then REPLAY....
And most probably you realize that your resistance that came earlier had a reason for it...
That there were too many signs that you shouldn't have ignored...
That may be you're the one to blame for the situation you're in...
And you question how did you end up there?!?
AGAIN?!?

Perhaps the void you've had needed to be filled...
So you turn to the quick fix...
Regardless the fact that you know it wouldn't end well....

So you end up with nothing but...
Guilt...
Regret...
Humiliation...
Depression...
Sadness...
Stupidity....
Self-Blame...
Stress...
Insanity...

And a truth so ugly...
That you're destined to carry on your own...
Add to the list of thoughts you want to forget...
Experiences you could have avoided living...
Unneeded self humility...

And all you have left is nothing but...
More rewinding and replaying...
Hoping you find an explanation...
Or figuring out how you ended up there...
Blaming yourself and only yourself...
Looking for a way out...
Or a way back...

BUT...
The truth remains the truth...
And it's UGLY!

Back On Track!

2012-01-31T00:53:00.004+02:00

So it's not new years and its not time for resolutions...

But as I said i said the following in my previous post, "New Year... Evolution or Illusion?:"

"Change does happen, but it doesn't need a clock or a date or to dim out the lights and turn them on to a new you... change is timeless; can happen anywhere, anytime, anyhow...

Change happens when you intend for it to happen...

Change that is time bound is an illusion...

Change that you create is a true evolution...

You decide your own New Year... your New Year, your real evolution, begins when you take a good look at yourself and you realize: now is the time to change!"

So today... right now, I decided that this is my "new year" here are my resolutions:

Be more religious! Seriously, I need to get closer to God.
Pray more, daily.... once at least!
Pray at all time... not just when I need something!
Go to church regularly! Once a week, once every to weeks MAX!
Find a good service to do.
Go back to dieting, FIERCELY!
Move on, realistically!
Avoid denial and quick fixes!
Forget the people who've chosen to forget me.
Focus on the people care and the ones who'll stick with me!
Learn to let go (HOPEFULLY)!
Learn to shut up (PLEASE GOD)!
Learn to say NO!
Don't make exceptions for anyone, at any cost! No one is worth it.
Do good in the world.
Make a difference.
Let go of the stupid things that prevent me from being awesome.
Be more confident, I actually ROCK!
STOP making stupid mistakes!
STOP caring too much!
Have fun!
Be cheerful again!
ABANDON the virtual world, except for blogging!
Write.. write and write!
Make my blog well known!
Find a passion!
Find a place to dump in all my negative energy!
Teach!
Be happy and screw the world and people, it's a good change!
Drive more, listening to music and singing along! It cures my soul!
Take more long, boiling hot showers!
Travel more!
Dance more, break routine and act stupid (Perfectly healthy)!
Learn the value of myself (MOST IMPORTANTLY)!

I'll be back on track!
I will!
I must be back on track!
It's my only way out!

Look What You Made Me Do!?

2012-01-31T00:09:00.000+02:00

We often go through terrible experiences in our lives that put it in difficult, stressful and hectic emotional situations... situations that create heavy emotional burdens on us... and we try our best to find a way out of them. As a result, we turn to the nearest exit... the soonest way out in order to feel OKAY. Or perhaps tell ourselves that we're okay... even if it is just an illusion. And usually it is.

Anything to make you feel good again. Even if its temporary. And usually we do know that is bound to end. We think the distraction will do us good. But when this distraction is gone... we AGAIN get hurt. We think we won't but we do... so instead of feeling better, healing and moving on. We create more emotional scares for ourselves.

We don't find "new" reasons to feel happy! But we rather find "new" reasons to be hurt!

Most of the time... we often wake up from the exit when we find ourselves at another dead end.
This quick fix actually brings more trouble.
Because you fool yourself, you go through deep denial and therefore you take the very wrong decisions and you fall into bigger traps.
In stead of working on forgetting things that you want out of your system and moving on... you actually create more things to regret... you create more burdens and more mistakes...
You look around and you realize that the whole world has moved on and you're still right where you were... maybe even moving backwards.

When does a person learn... when do we actually move on. When do we actually stop fooling ourselves. When do we really move on free of denial... like get cured of this emotional shit we put ourselves through.

I do blame myself for moving from one trap to another. From one stupid mistake to an even bigger mistake. From one thing to regret to another crappy thing to regret!
But I also blame you.
I'm not mad at myself or others as much as I'm mad at you.
Seriously... in order to move on I took the wrong routes.
Really!
Look what you made me do!?

Perfect Picture....

2012-01-28T11:45:00.001+02:00

I've always loved pictures... truly madly deeply! I could take pictures everywhere and at all times... it's an addiction that most likely annoys everyone around me! But I love it and always will do... and the emotional reward they give you when you're looking at them on a bad day... is simply priceless!

When I was a child... my wall was completely covered with pictures... every memory documented for me to flash back at when I want.... However, a few days back I looked at my room and I realized I have no pictures around anymore and it frustrated me... so I did a little picture project (since I'm no longer allowed to STICK things on my wall, lol)....

And here is the outcome:

My super amazing family in my "Love Frame": L (love you) dad, O (only you) Mom, V (love you forever) Mondyyy and E for my amazing little brother (endless love to you) Mon! Perfect frame choice for the perfect family anyone can ever every wish for! You make my life awesome by all means!

A collage of pictures for my and my friends; from the top: Nahla (we've previously agreed that we perfectly utilize each other as emotional dumpsters), Karim Nabil (miss u keteeer wallahi); Viva, Samy, Mariam and Monday in Vivoz wedding; the Taba girls Trip that was tons of fun, my gorgeous manager and FRIEND Noody (muah), Self (whom I adore), Viva again (please live in the same country ba2a), Attia & Nagiub my amazing friends and brothers (plz come back Attia), Hurgada trip the Tiab's and Mekhail's (the 4 sisters); Serin in Egypt with my lovely Youzz (amazing reunion), my amazing FP7 (first real job) team; and the Ahly-Barcelona outing with the Tiabs and Habib's :)

Youz's wedding :) lovely day and lovely long time, childhood friend! And then another collage: from the top: me, Salsa and Sheero; me, Sandoor and Sheero, chocolate party with at Self's with Self, Sandoor and Roni; all my favorite girls ever at my thesis defense (Mariam, Mondyyy, Sandoor, Mary, Marmar, Amany and my all time favorite HOBZY); my graduation buddies: Dee, Chantal and Salsa; my "farfooosha" partner in crime (one of the ppl I'd kill to have around 24/7) Sarsooora; two the most decent guys ever Ibrahim & Wadid (with Sandoor tab3an); Halloween 2010 with the girlies :) And finally my ALL TIME FAVORITE PIC EVER (regardless of both of us looking crappy) with my all time favorite gal Sandoor 3ala kobry Stanely in my tiny Friends Forever frame :)

And my final corner; the Tiab's and Mekhail's again (love u girls, can never express how much I do); Salsa and Azooz getting married (amazzzing day and amazing friends) and I miss you babe gidan gidan always always; and last but not least akeeeed: LANOULL my best-EST friend (always and forever regardless how far) in the world in her recent visit to Cairo (YAY, still can't believe that actually happened after six long years) and another tiny Friends Forever frame from the good old Saudi Days that I honestly miss each and every singly day!

Know that if you're on my wall... you're definitively in my heart!

Trust in a perfect picture you may not look your best! But you'll feel your best! With the best company creating the best memories ever!

My Pre- Jan. 25th Fears...

2012-01-21T00:10:00.001+02:00

WARNING: content of this post is naive, superficial and would piss off most political activists.... I acknowledge this and apologize for it, so please don't attack!

So a year from Jan. 25 and the entire revolutionary road we've been travelling on in Egypt... I look back and think if this revolution has bough us any good! And unfortunately my answer is NO! As much as I would like to think of the so many positive things this revolution has brought upon us; such as freedom, hope and a boost optimism; I would still have to pass!

On the other hand... all I see is dead people, people living with lifetime cruel disabilities, no safety, messed up tourism, a dull tomorrow and my screwed UP social lief! And this post is dedicated to the last point with all the ignorance and simplicity that this sentence carries.

So ever since the so called Jan 25th Revolution my social life has been going a downward slope. My parents have been on a panic frenzy... where any unnecessary road trip (in their wise opinion) has become a taboo. If it's not work or a must go "homework" outing... then most probably they prefer that I stay at home.

Suddenly 8 pm has become late hour... any dark hour is after curfew. Any "outing" that is not in my home zone is simply far. I've forgotten how Mohandesin, Zamalek and Tahrir look like. Suddenly these places have been restricted to "business meetings" only... and trust me if they can ask me to pass on these too, they would have done it!

Going out after work is a "no, no" because it's dark already... going out on weekends is usually done in day light.

Knowing that my friends are out late and want me to join has become a burden. Let alone internal traveling and a wedding or engagement.

My list of 101 excuses of how to skip an outing because it's an unsafe and my parents would freak out has become obvious!

My age and curfew are suddenly having an inverse relationship! And trust me that's not fun! Let alone saying that I have a curfew in first place (but that is something we can discuss later)!

My life is summarized into: work, business meetings, the mall, a birthday, a wedding, the doctor, university, or a funeral because these are the must haves of life... plus a few random outings here and there (and by there I mean a far awayyyyy there) to be honest. Anything else would need debate, discussion and comprise from me, my friends and the universe probably!

Everything has become unsafe! And they do hold some sanity in their argument, I give them that! However I'd have say 85% of it is simply freaking out! But to them, better safe than sorry! And to me, I've chosen to at least buy my own peace of mind and roll with their game!

My social life has been screwed up... thanks to this revolution. It's honestly annoying me to the bones. If there was a positive trade off in return... I would have seen it and said "okie, my social life got screwed up for a cause and a good reason!" But seriously... I don't see any and I'm just annoyed! Sorry to say!

So we're almost a year away since Jan. 25th, 2011... and we're all crossing our fingers with what to expect regarding what will happen on the so called Revolution Anniversary. I hope things settle down cause this isn't the life is signed up for... I support the political cause but this really isn't the plan I had for my life... I hope the coming Jan. 25th doesn't screw my life up even more!

So my hopes for the new revolutions are: to get back the security I previously took for granted and gain back my social life!

~ I've warned you!

Sleepless Nights Crying...

2012-01-18T18:03:00.001+02:00

So in contrary to my previous post about smiling this post is about my very long, sleepless nights spent crying!

Well, for the last few months I've had this thing that has started out in my life... at first it just kept me up all nights, many nights in a row... just staring at the ceiling hoping the night goes by... hoping that with the break of dawn things get better... and that keeping myself busy would distract me from all the pain...

Apparently I was wrong... because the pain just kept getting worst and worst... because before I just starred at the ceiling hoping the time goes by... aware of every clock "tick" "tock" BUT then it the pain got stronger and more intense. I would spend every single night crying... and nothing and I mean nothing I would do would seize my pain. I though of every way possible to make the pain stop. You name it, I thought of it! I even thought of physical ways with which I can end the pain... taking things into my own hands, doing the extreme measures.

I tried to do whatever I can to patch things up... I tried quick fixes and long term fixes. I tried helping myself and tried getting external help. Every possible patch I've tried. I tried my best in order to keep the final detachment as a last resort.

But as you'd expect... things would get better for just a short time and then I'd be back to square one... "sleepless nights crying;" even more the pain would get worst and worst....

I've reached to a point where I lost hope... like this cycle would never end... it because a living nightmare... how come something be so painful... how can it keep coming back no matter how much you try to fix it or push it away....

And then I decided I've had enough... it's time for this mess to end. The final detachment needs to happen. These quick fixes aren't working and things end up screwed again, probably getting worst.

So.. I finally STOPPED the pain and pulled it out of my system. And it wasn't easy! And unexpectedly complicated! And for a while... it hurt even more than the actual pain!

But it ended!

Right now I'm experiencing some withdrawal symptoms... the lingering pain... the final remains... but I'm getting better.

Sometimes remembering it even gives me the shivers.

And of course there is a scar left there to remind me daily of the hell I've been through...

But things are improving. Each day more than the day before.
I'm healing... gladly.

--------

And now... go back and read every single line of this post again. This time with a fresh a mind... because I wasn't talking about a person, like most of you probably thought, I was talking about one hell of a tooth that has keeping me up for nights and nights and finally last Saturday after several effort to fix it from cavity remove to root canals and crowns... I've pulled it out in one hell of a complicated, hurtful procedure. Because that tooth, just couldn't come out easy! It had to break into little pieces making my life even harder. But it's out and I'm relieved....
--------

Funny how the human mind sometimes works....

Reasons We Girls Smile...

2012-01-17T17:30:00.000+02:00

There are so many reasons why we girls smile... Sometimes they're honest smiles and sometimes they're not... most probably every smile we've got has it's own meaning... a meaning we only know deep down because it reveals our true intentions...

We might smile because we really like someone or what's going on, or we might smile because we want to pretend like we like what's going on.

There is a smile that carries a lot of innocence with every thing this word could mean... and there is a smile that could carry seduction and an evil plan....

We might smile because we honestly carry good feelings for the moment or we could smile to hide loads of hatred and evil...

We might smile because we've just seen you, herd your voice or have you near...

We might smile because we're really out of words, nothing in the world would say how we feel or we could just have nothing to say out of boredom or to avoid conversation. We might smile because we're completely indulging in whatever it is you're saying or we're just trying to seem interested...

Our smile could really mean we're truly happy and dancing deep inside or we could be smiling in order to hide utter and complete sadness and heart break...

We might smile because you're funny, or because we want you to think you're funny. Because we get what you mean or because we actually want to get you!

There is a smile that shows excitement, support and pleasure and there is one that hides anxiety, panic and fear...

We might smile because we love you or we might smile to make you think we love you. We might smile we have you in our life, we might smile just thinking about you and we might smile because you just walked out of our life.

We might smile as a replacement to saying we love you, we miss you, to thank you or to let you know we're happy you're there...

Sometimes we smile because you've taken us by great surprise... we love the move, the surprise, the flowers, the chocolate... or to hide the fact that we were expecting a surprise...

We could smile at inner joke we share or at the fact that we share nothing...

Sometimes we smile because we know it makes us look good...

Our smile could be naive and could mean that we fell for your game or it could mean that we're smiling because we know exactly what's going on and that we're being played.

We might smile because we've gone shopping and even more we smile because you're the one who paid...

We might smile because we know it makes you feel good and secure that things are okay...

Girls smile for so many different reasons... some are good and honest, coming deep from the heart and some are deceiving and hurtful. Most of the time they're true smiles... Point is a girl's smile is always a charm... it's your call to know what that smile carries deep down because most probably... we'd never tell :)

26 Things I Have AND Have Not Done Before Turning 26!

2012-01-04T15:20:00.001+02:00

Well, I'm turning 26 today... I'm less depressed than I was when I turning 25. Anyways, I thought why not do a random checklist of the stuff I have and have not done before turning 26!

HAVE DONE - proudly or sadly, but mostly proudly!

Lived in two countries; Saudi Arabia and Egypt
Had friends from across the globe
Acted, directed and wrote plays
Finished my BA and MA
Gave a speech on behalf of my graduation class
Been angry to the extent that I smash something across a wall
Para sailed
Laughed till I cried
Got addicted (literally) to a show: Grey's Anatomy
Was titled funniest and most talented girl in high school
Drove while sleeping
Obsessed over / fell for someone I never met!
Had three different jobs
Been broke, completely
Been mugged!
Been in a major accident, and lived :) gladly
Done stupid and REALLY (okay really) foolish things for love!
Fell for the wrong guys... OVER and OVER again!
Read the same book at least 200 times
Made great friends and lost people who were supposed to be great friends!
Fell in love with sushi suddenly
Read a novel over night
Sang and danced while driving
Created imaginary stories in my head and lived with them for a while
Hated someone then became their very good friend
Started a blog

HAVE NOT DONE ~ and should have done!

Read the Bible entirely
Had a surprise birthday party, I always figure out before they happen
Done something completely insane and crazy
Ditched classes
Gone shopping with nothing but a fully loaded credit card
Got an F in a course
Learned German and French
Watched Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings!
Been in a relationship
Been on a date
Been to the movies alone
Gone clubbing or been drunk
Partied late
Tried any type of drug
Reached my ideal weight
Traveled around the world
Seen snow
Danced in the rain
Gone swimming with my clothes on (don't ask me why it seems appealing)
Caught the bouquet in a wedding
Lied about where I'm spending the night
Published a book
Been good in a sport
Learned drumming
Saved money
Drove faster than 120 Km/Hour

New Year... Evolution or Illusion?

2012-01-01T16:37:00.001+02:00

We often think that with the tick of the clock, once it turns 12 and it's a new year our life would change... a whole new beginning to life and our selves would come out... we wait for an evolution, for the world to change... for the unexpected, for resolutions we have been making for the year or years to finally come to live!

BUT... with years, I've earned some experience and wisdom, and I've come to realize that this hope for an evolution as the New Year approaches... is most likely just an illusion.

I don't meant to be dramatic or to kill the optimism we have for the whole new year, new beginning fairy tale we all, including me, live in. But, sometimes we come in terms with reality and its good to stop and share it. May be make someone else avoid the stupidity you've been placed in before! If someone out there is expecting a magical moment of change... I'm not saying it doesn't happen; I'm just saying don't count on New Year to be that magical moment.

In the so called life... Jan 1st, 12 am each year is just the next second, the next minute, the next day, the next month, the next year.... its just another clock tick of no particular significance or change.

If there was this one split second where everything changes suddenly, where we click a button and the past is deleted and a new horizon opens up... then New Year's would be a universal moment across Egypt, Lebanon, Dubai, Jordan, Saudi, US, Canada, UK, Germany, France, India, Singapore... but facts are this magical moment isn't universal, there is no single moment where the ENTIRE world stops and we all get a chance to start over new! This moment is different across countries, across states, across cities, across homes and across the people in the same home. Each person's clock hits 12 am at a different split second!

Truth remains... New Year's is just a thing we've created! An illusion we've immersed ourselves with giving ourselves hope that there is a chance to get up and fix things to re-evaluate where we stand!

I'm not being pessimistic; I'm being realistic...
Change does happen, but it doesn't need a clock or a date or to dim out the lights and turn them on to a new you... change is timeless; can happen anywhere, anytime, anyhow...

Change happens when you intend for it to happen...

Change that is time bound is an illusion...

Change that you create is a true evolution...

You decide your own New Year... your New Year, your real evolution, begins when you take a good look at yourself and you realize: now is the time to change!

The "Message!"

2012-01-01T13:11:00.001+02:00

We often have unanswered questions that we would like to find answers for. We over work our brains trying to analyze the situation in order to come out with the possible scenario we should follow. Even more; sometimes we already know the RIGHT answer but we try to find ways around in order to satisfy an inner desire or will that we have.

And that's OKAY! We all do that! It's part of the complicated people we've actually turned out to be.

But fact is, when it comes down to it... we know the right answer! We know their is right and wrong! We know that what we want is really not the best for us. BUT we fight it so hard; we resist.

Denial creates this amazing bubble around us, making what we do seem like the right thing to do... telling us to enjoy the moment; do what feels good; that we only live once; that there is nothing wrong with stepping outside our comfort zones for a bit; that throwing the Rule Book away sometimes is okay!

BUT then... you get the MESSAGE!
And this message comes like a BIG stab in the heart! Reminding you that you're not on the right track! Flashing right in front of your eyes how you'd end up if you continue living in that bubble. The exact fruit you'd be yielding at the end. It comes right there out of the blue, as if God is sending you a clear message, slapping you in the face to wake up, get up and do something to change the situation around.

And don't be surprised how this message comes across. It could be in a direct form, like something you read in the Bible! Or indirect like a conversation you overhear; a movie you see; a book you read; a song you hear; a show you watch; a joke you hear! But the irony of the situation is that once you see or hear the message, something in you pinches! It hits right on the spot. And it hurts! It's like the message is speaking to you directly!

At first it frustrates you... then you think... then you realize... and finally you decide how you'd react!

The message can come to you as a rescue, reinforcing something you've been wanting to do for a while. OR you may hate it; because AT LEAST you didn't want that message right now. You wanted to enjoy your denial just a little longer!

And there are two scenarios to how you'd react to the message...
Your guilt conscious drives you nuts and you go back on track...
OR you fall into deeper denial, telling yourself it was just coincidence... and you move in the direction where you were going. And if that happens; I'm not exactly sure when the next message comes along. If another rescue would be on the way.

I'm the first type of people. My conscious can seriously eat me up alive! Sometimes like a party pooper because denial is sometimes an awesome place to be at! But because I know that this was the right thing all along... I thank God for the message! The sooner, the better. Before the lie you're living turn into reality... before it is too late to withdraw... before the consequences become to hard to handle.

When I get the message I right away act upon it even if it may mean I get out of the amazing bubble sometimes!

"2011"... Hmm... Eventful...

2011-12-31T13:42:00.000+02:00

The simplest word the could be used to describe 2011 is eventful...

We've often gone through years and called them "bad years," we often say that when we feel things aren't going too well on the personal level. However, 2011 is really a bad year if you ask anyone... more like on a global level!

The first few days or months of the year were seriously stressing and surprising. Almost everyday a new mind blowing event took place.

So let's overlook what happened this year...

Jan. 1: First few minutes of the year witnessed a terrorist attack on a church in Alexandria, Egypt as people celebrated New Year

Jan. 9 to 15: Southern Sudan referendum took place

Jan 11: flood in Rio de Janeiro

Jan. 14: Tunisian government fell and ex-president Zine El Abdine Ben Ali flees to Saudi Arabia

Jan. 24: Moscow airport bombing

Jan 25: Egyptian Revolution starts

Feb 11: ex-President Hosni Mubarak resigns and Egypt goes under military rule

March 11: earthquake and tsunami in Japan killing more than 15 thousand and more than 4 thousand reported missing

March 15: uprising in Bahrain and state goes under emergency law for months

March 17: uprising in Libya starts asking for government withdrawal and lasts until today...

April 29: Price William and Catherine Middleton get married (finally some good news)!

May 1: Osama Bin Ladin announced dead

June 5: uprising in Yemen and president Ali Abdalla Saleh flees to Saudi Arabia for medical treatment after presidential palace has been under attack

June 12: uprising in Syria to bring down the government starts

July 9: Sudan separated into the North and South

July 20: UN declares famine in South Somalia

July 22: terrorist attack in Norway

July 31: Syrian uprising intensifies, death toll reaches over 3 thousand, still on until today

Aug. 9: first on air trial for ex-president Mubarak

Aug. 20: Libyan uprising intensifies

Sept. 10: Kenya petrol pipeline explodes

Sept. 24: Palestine applies for membership in UN

Sept. 24: a 20 year old 6.5 ton satellite falls into the Pacific Ocean

Oct. 4: car bomb in Somalia leaves 100 people dead

Oct. 4: 283 people dead in Thailand flood

Oct. 5: Steve Jobs passed away

Oct. 9: Maspero, Cairo massacre, leaving at least 28 dead

Oct. 20: Ex-president of Libya, Qaddafi is killed

Oct. 23: Massive earthquake in Turkey killing 603 person

Nov. 22: Egyptian Revolution Re-loaded

Dec. 15: US finally declares an end to the war on Iraq

Dec. 16: Tropical Storm Washi hits Philippines

I wouldn't be surprised if I missed anything major; I tried keeping track... If you wanna add anything please go ahead :)

I'm posting this hours before the end of 2011 and I got to say... I wont be surprised if something else happens before it strikes 12 am! But I'm seriously hoping for the best!

So again; least to say... eventful!

2011... Is It REALLY a BAD Year?!

2011-12-31T01:19:00.001+02:00

SO... whenever we refer to a bad year... we often refer to it in terms of stuff that happen to us on a personal level. However, 2011 is a bad year on a global level... I don't think anyone can argue with that!

Truly on a global level I think this by far is the year of natural disasters, famines, wars, deaths, disease, revolutions... So globally, I got to admit it IS a bad year and I'm really hoping the last day passes by smoothly, free of more catastrophes or more dramatic surprises!

HOWEVER...
Moving to a more personal level; which given our selfish human nature is usually the main way we judge things.... I STILL cannot make up my mind regarding whether it was a good or bad year...

Emotionally speaking... I've lost some very precious people that I hoped I'd be able to have for keeps! I was disappointed and hurt for a very long time and that made most of 2011 win the award for being the worst emotional year ever. I've also realized some friends, well are not really people you can count on...

On the ambitious and practical side of life... well, I GOT my masters degree and that was the highlight of the year. True, it came towards the last two weeks of the year... but it sort of changed 2011 around from being the worst year to being the best year ever... and ever since this achievement, all of a sudden I can't claim that 2011 is a bad year anymore! It kind of made me realize a lot of good things that I let the "emotional" stuff cover up and hide!

Even more... 2011 was the best in my career history; I made new friends whom all have become so important and precious to me and towards the very end of it I've realized that some old friends are still gold and that there are people who can still see me from a unique and special perspective even if others did not! I've seen some of my friends in their happiest moments as well! And all that together made 2011, an OKAY year after all!

So UNLIKE any other year... where the personal stuff were worst than the global stuff... 2011 has been terrible on the global level (see my next post)... But on a personal level, although it started like the worst year ever; by the last quarter it smiled at me... and it smiled at me BIG!

So my last words would be: Good Bye 2011, with your good, your bad and definitively your unexpected! Some days were terrible but all in all, it did pass and I learned a lot from every single experience and every single person! 2012... I'm hoping for the best, this year I'm trying optimism... Even more, globally I, like Miss Congeniality, do hope for World Peace!

Interesting Self Discovery...

2011-12-26T20:20:00.001+02:00

So I've realized something about myself... and I don't know the right adjective to describe it... it could be nerdy, corny , geeky OR it could be likes challenges and hard working... So it being a mix of all that I think I'll settle for it being an interesting self discovery....

There have been numerous situations when my manager at work would be on leave... and culturally and stereotyping-ly speaking, subordinates tend to work less when they not supervised. Naturally I assumed the same would happen with me.

HOWEVER...
I've realized that whenever my manager is not there I challenge myself even more in order not to mess up so when she's back everything seems to be right in place. I make sure I do my job with more dedication and accuracy to avoid being accused of slacking off when I wasn't supervised. I push myself harder to prove to myself that I can handle it and that I'm up for the responsibility.

For example... I can complain about too much when she's around, BUT when I'm on my own I'd handle whatever you throw at me! If someone gives me a hard time at work "internally" when she's around I'd escalate it to her and let her handle the annoying ones; when I'm on my own and I step up my game and deal with it.

Well, I know, it seems pretty annoying that I'm sitting here saying good stuff about myself... but it was an interesting discovery for me :) I got to say... I'm kindda impressed with myself! Which is not bad for a change given I'm always dissing myself... even if it makes me sound like a nerdy, workaholic freak!

Christmas Must Haves!

2011-12-24T01:01:00.003+02:00

Christmas tree...
Christmas carols...
Christmas movies...
Christmas hats...
Santa Clause...
Lights...
Lots of red...
Lots of green...
Church...
Church bells...
Candles...
Prayers...
Family...
Friends...
Special someone...
Coziness...
Love...
Hope...

Happiness...
Future wishes...
Warm wishes...
Season greetings...
Lots of calls...
Lots of SMS and BBMs...
Gifts under the tree...
Good food...
Hot chocolate...
Chocolate...
Chocolate cake...
Anything chocolatey...
Starbucks...
Catch up with old friends...
Surprise someone...
Get surprised...
Remember old memories...
Make new memories...
Take pictures...
Believe tomorrow will be better...
Believe it's a fresh start...
Go to bed with a smile on your face...

I Did It!

2011-12-20T00:56:00.000+02:00

Well, ever since I've started my masters in September 2009 I was overcome with an enormousness feeling of sadness. I felt like the experience I've been waiting for was not meeting my expectations. I felt I was hoping for a lot more! The learning experience wasn't as mind blowing as I've expected! It wasn't measuring up to the feeling I've always had during my bachelors! The excitement and insanity of being back to university wasn't there! Looking forward to graduation, the way I did in 2008 for my BA, was definitely not there as well!

I convinced myself that my masters... was something I just had to get done with since I started it! I'm not a quitter... but this wasn't how I hoped for it to be!

First year of my masters... I was focused on finishing up my courses. Then in December 2010 I had my comprehensive exams... and I studied my "bottoms" off and I nailed it! And I got to say... this was the first time I felt like masters was a different experience... It was a new kind of exam... the kind of thing you'd expect for it to be a "Masters Level Exam" that keeps you up for nights studying and cramming!

And the first sign of recognition was this e-mail I received from my Doctor:

Subject: Major Mabrook

Body: Congratulations Madonna! I'm happy to inform you that you have passed all four sections of comprehensive examination.

Very good work!

And then I took a WHOLE year working on my thesis. And it seemed to me like something that I would never ever get done with! A thesis and a defense and panel of readers that gets to decide your fate seemed like something too difficult and impossible for me to get it done from the first try!

Fact is... I worked pretty hard on that thesis... like really hard in every possible sense! I took it very seriously; I chose a timely topic not something that I've done or come across in other classes; and I did my research thoroughly and with a positive intention and look out to really learn and gain something!

Then December 18th, 2011 at 1 PM.... my DEFENSE day came! And I was pretty much ready for it... I worked hard for it and waited for that day! But that doesn't mean the adrenaline and stress kicked in a bit; at 12 noon all the panic and mixed emotions ran into me! All sorts of questions started running at the back of my head regarding whether I was ready or up for it, would I be able to answer whatever they throw at me, would I actually do it!?

So it hit 1 pm and the panel walked in.... they took a look at the room and spotted my friends and family... the selected few that came to attend and then they said: "Do you think because you've got you've got people with you we'd be easy on you?" So I thought to myself... okie; maybe I shouldn't have really invited people to witness my humiliation.

I gained courage and started presenting... took a good 30 minutes going through my entire study... showing minimum signs of panic... like taking off and putting my ring back on at least a 100 times.... but I managed to go error free during my presentation... I was trying to fish for reaction as I presented... the panel seemed pretty serious; sometimes they nodded; but mostly they were writing... lots and lots and lots of writing... which gave me the feeling that there will be a lot of questions that I will not be having answers for! I got to the final presentation slide and thanked everyone and waited for the so called "discussion to start!"

My thesis adviser smiled and said: "let the grilling begin!"

I smiled back and said my prayer to myself!

Questions started coming... and gladly I had answers! And I wasn't making up stuff in order to get myself clean out of one hell of a hard situation... but I was actually sure of my responses, I knew what I was talking about! Perfectly! We took a good 40 minutes of questions and answers and I pretty much didn't freeze!

When they were done my thesis adviser smiled at me again and said, "you can all step out now while we discuss your fate."

We stepped out for what seemed to be the longest 5 to 10 minutes of my life so far. I really can't say how long they were because I was pretty tensed! Knowing someone is discussing your future and you're just waiting for it to happen gives you the chills no matter how confident you are!

Finally my thesis adviser opened the door and gestured for us to get back in. I stood in the middle of the room waiting for my "death sentence" and that's exactly what she told me:

Well, with some modifications, almost none at all, Madonna Mekhail you've just earned your Master's Degree!

Just got the good news! Running off to hug Mom!

THE MOMENT WAS BEYOND WORDS CAN SAY!

I was smiling, tearing, jumping, running and I even said, "WOHOOOO," to the very serious panel!

And right then and there all the feelings I had back in 2009 were gone! Suddenly this moment turned into the happiest moment in my life ever! All of a sudden I realized how much my MA has paid off! The clapping in the room, the hugs and kisses and the excitement and the cheers... made me realize the sense of my achievement! I felt like I've earned something that I've worked hard on! I realized that this moment is something I've been waiting for!

I realized why I've started this in first place. For this feeling! For this experience! For this achievement! For this success! For this specific moment!

I've also seen and herd some of the most amazing comments and feedback ever!

My friend called me from university seconds after I left the campus and told me: The entire department is speaking about how well you've done! That was the first feedback I got and it got my heart dancing!

I went home and everyone was posting comments and congrats on Facebook and Twitter! My best friend said the following: I am so happy for u begad and the best thing about this is seeing the happiness in ur eyes :)

My thesis adviser posted the following on Twitter: BIG CONGRATULATIONS TO @MadOnnaMekhaiL who defended her masters thesis today, and got herself a master's degree #MABROUK

I sent thank-you emails to my thesis readers' panel; and one of my doctors wrote back saying: Alf Mabrouk. You did a very well balanced and informative presentation. This was a perfectly presented thesis in a professional and to the point manner. You should be proud of your work and also your parents and friends should be proud of you

I don't know what to say or how to explain how I feel. But it's freakin' amazing and awesome! Beyond words can say! I'm glad I've achieved this! I'm glad I've made my parents and family happy! I'm glad I've realized the support I have from friends. And I can't stop thanking God for blessing me with this experience and being with my every single step of the way. And I cannot thank everyone who has showed support in every single way.

I, Madonna Mekhail, am a Masters Degree holder!

I earned it!

I did it!

Crazy, Stupid Love!

2011-12-16T13:05:00.000+02:00

Well, for starters, I hated the movie, but loved its name!

It's sooo true, this thing called "crazy, stupid love" does exist!

It's not impossible to love someone who is a total mismatch bound to make every day of life a living disasters. It's actually stupid but it happens.

It is a kind of love that would make you do things you never thought you'd do. Things you didn't know you have in you. Things that come to you as a surprise. These things are good, bad and ridiculous! You never thought you'd be willing to make a first move... but you did! You never thought you'd keep getting pushed away and you'd still come back... but you did! You never thought you can drive the one person you love away for whatever reason it is... but you did! You never knew that all your good intentions would be misunderstood... but it happened! And you definitely never thought you had it in you to try and hate them and hurt them... but eventually... you did that too!

It's the kind of love you desperately need and in the same time you pray for it to end!

It's the kind of that is your dream come true but in the same time you know it would make you miserable!

It's the kind of love that keep you praying all night... and crying all night as well!

This kind of... really does make you stupid and does make you crazy!

But I guess this is love.. this insane element to it, is what actually makes it love!

Life as a Chick Flick!

2011-12-16T12:07:00.000+02:00

Sometimes I wonder... Why can't life be as pink as that of a chick flick?

Why can't happy ending be something bound to happen sooner or later?

Why can't you be the prom queen in school and work and basically the queen everywhere you set foot in?

Why can't you be the girl every one is dying to be with?

Why can't you get your dream scholarship and your dream job?

Why can't you just always go shopping and travel and not worry about finances?

Why can't the guy you've been waiting for eventually come back?

Why can't these lovey dovey love stories happen to you?

Why can't your friends always remember you and be there for you before you even ask for it?

Why can't you be valedictorian and or employee of the month?

Why can't you have the perfect body and look good in everything?

Why can't you live the life of your dreams? Only in this case your dreams are a living reality...

This superficial life is sometimes a good fantasy to dream about :) I wish I can go there for a while! My life to be a chick flick! For a change!

Who Are You?

2011-12-16T11:29:00.000+02:00

Is it possible that something you've always been clearly sure about turns out to be nothing of what you thought?

I don't think this is one post where I can clearly articulate how I feel or what I want to say; however, I just feel stressed out that may be someone I thought I knew... turned out to be someone I probably know nothing about. That all the stuff I once admired about that person... are simply not there; not even close!

That someone I could bet on turned out to be a complete stranger, maybe just putting on a mask and a well executed play that I fell for.

I don't know what gave me this feelings... but putting together the little pieces of the puzzle, just no longer reflects a good pictures or no longer reflects the picture that I've always had in mind...

So many things in the past have been telling me to drop this issue, walk away not looking back... and I've always refused to let it go... very strongly, I choose to trust my gut feeling, which apparently was very wrong.

But now, when I felt like I don't really know the person anymore, or maybe never really knew the person.... I don't know what I've been holding on to? Perhaps an illusion of who I wished that person would be... Or maybe the act for which I've been a great and dedicated audience.

I don't know what to think anymore... sometimes I just hope I had the answers... or had the ability to ask for answers. But I don't! And again, may be the answers will be further devastating because the "what if" element that keeps us going will no longer be there.. Because the definite answers I get will not be the answers I want to hear... And because some stuff are better left unknown.

But seriously... Is it possible that I've been played... I just wish I can really know; Who Are You?