On Sunday morning, I went to the adoption event, pages of notes in hand so I would know what to buy at the puppy store once little Bashful was mine.  When I got there, she was just as cute as her photos… maybe even more so.  And she was sweet, walking right up to me and sitting in my lap.  What more could I want?

So, I was told to buy a collar while they got the paperwork ready.  I opted to sit with her for another few minutes instead, saying things like, “I’m going to be your puppy mommy.”  (Yes – I’m a total sap.)  As the forms were coming my way, and I was really starting to bond with my new friend, a supervisor came over to me and said (while Bashful was still in my lap, mind you), “So, we decided that we’re not going to let you adopt this dog.  She can only go to a home with other dogs.  And by the way, she can’t live in the city, either.”  Had any of that that been in her bio?  No.  Had they told me that before I started to get excited and bond with her?  No.  Would I have even chosen her had I known this was the case?  Of course not.  So I left, feeling sad that I was not getting the new best friend I wanted and deceived that something so important (a deal breaker, if you will) had not been stated upfront.

As I walked away, I thought to myself that the situation sounded oddly similar to online dating.  I’m sure we’ve all been in a situation where a profile says exactly what we want it to say.  We meet our date and everything seems to be going fine until…

BAM! – Your date tells you he doesn’t want children.

BAM! – She’s really just separated and not divorced… and still living with her ex!

BAM! – She has five kids but she only listed two.

BAM! – He said he’s not very religious and has no dietary restrictions, but when I ordered a pepperoni pizza, he almost disowned me.

In online dating, it’s so important that your deal breakers are out there front and center.  If you don’t want children, that’s fine!  Just make sure you check that box off in your profile.  If you’re extremely religious (or not at all), that’s ok, too!  Don’t underplay that simply to get more dates.  The last thing you want is for someone to go out with you only to be disappointed because you didn’t disclose something really important in your profile.  So don’t be bashful.  Be true to yourself.  You may go on fewer dates, but your dates will want you for the real you rather than for the person who is trying to appeal to everyone simply by not sharing the truth.

And this goes for searching, too.  As hard as it may be, try not to fall in love with someone’s pictures and profile (merely words on a page) before meeting in person.  I know I’ll keep that in mind when it comes to any future pets, too.  I want a dog who loves me for me – living in an apartment in downtown DC, having no other pets (besides Sir Quackers, my childhood stuffed duck), and just wanting to show him/her love and affection.

Erika Ettin is the Founder of A Little Nudge, where she helps people stand out from the online dating crowd and have a rewarding experience. An archive of all of Erika’s columns is also available.  Want to connect with Erika?  Join her newsletter for updates and tips.

Shavuot celebrates the giving of the Torah to the Jews, and it always falls 50 days after the end of Passover.  Part of the celebrations includes the mass consumption of dairy products, as well as decorating ones home or synagogue with spices and flowers.

“Before we sit down and talk Torah, I want everyone to take a bite out of this cherry amaretto cheese cake I made!”  Julia, a third-year undergraduate at the University of California-Berkeley, commanded to her guests.  The cheesecake’s initial reviews were positive, with some guests going back for seconds.

But discomfort began to proliferate throughout the party shortly after Julia mixed up chocolate-custard malted milkshakes in her MagicBullet blender.  Although tasty and sweet, the milkshakes were a recipe for disaster for Julia’s nine highly lactose-intolerant guests.

“The torah portion I read at my Bat Mitzv-.  Oh dammit.  Hey I’ll be right back, guys, gonna get some fresh air,” winced Lauren Sweiren as she trotted to Julia’s balcony.

Julia’s ex-boyfriend Claude, making his first return to Julia’s apartment since he dumped her following a night of mediocre noodle Kugel, abruptly stood up from the dinner table and headed for Julia’s bathroom.

Claude ruffled through the medicine cabinet in Julia’s bathroom.  Julia scampered right after in and slammed the door.

“I knew you wanted more of THIS,” Julia said, pulling her hair out of her hairnet and removing her Delta Gamma sequined apron.  Claude brushed her away.

“I left a box of Lactaid tablets in here,” he screamed.  “You didn’t throw them out did you?”

“Of course not!” Julia retorted.  “They’re burning in the oven right now as an offering to God on Shavuot!”

“Oh God, no!” Exclaimed Claude.

“Exactly!”  Julia smiled, eyebrows lowering.  “Now are we gonna play horizontal hamotzi, or are ya gonna come back and Shavu the oat with the rest of my guests?”

As Claude and Julia made their way back to the dining room table to join the other guests,  Yoni Rosenblatt ran past them clutching his abdomen.  The table was now empty, the rest of the guests were on Julia’s balcony, writhing in discomfort.

“Okay, I get it, you are all lactose intolerant,” Julia conceded.  “It’s okay if you don’t want to eat my dairy dinner.  Shavuot is also about spices and aromas, so here, I’ll light this flowery incense candle.  Does anyone have a lighter or a match?”

“No!!!!” Shouted each of the bloated, cramping guests and they pushed and shoved their way out of Julia’s apartment.

Brian Fishbach is a comedian, writer, political satirist, former GTJ JGOTW, and musician specializing in social and political commentary.  You can read Brian’s weekly satire news articles at www.TheComedyNews.com, and enjoy his late-night jokes at www.BrianFishbach.com.  Join The Comedy News’ Facebook page for updates.

Want to recommend an outstanding leader to be featured on GTJ? Nominate him/her at info@gatherthejews.com.

Rachel: What brought you to DC?
Jake: The low cost of living!  But seriously, I’m a political junkie and I’ve always loved DC.  I moved here last year (from Israel) to take a position with Israel Outdoors.  It was tough leaving my favorite city in the world – Tel Aviv – but I was happy to be moving to DC, which easily rounds out the top three.

Rachel: You work for Israel Outdoors.  What does that entail?
Jake: A lot!  Israel Outdoors is the largest Birthright trip organizer, and runs a huge number of amazing trips (over 130 this summer!).  In my last job, as a Birthright Field Coordinator, I handled everything on the Israel side of things.  Here in DC, we handle everything up to putting our participants on the plane (i.e. registration, recruitment, social media, itineraries, and customer service).  While I’ve loved this job, I’m currently on the hunt for a new opportunity (hint hint) but would love to stay in the Jewish communal world.

Rachel: We heard you led Birthright trips a ridiculous amount of times.  How many times did you and what is your favorite part of Israel?
Jake: I’m about to staff my 18th Birthright trip in June, and a coworker pointed out the other day that that means I’ll have spent over half a year staffing the trips.  My own trip (in Summer 2006) changed my life in a profoundly positive way, and trying to create an equally meaningful experience for my peers has been one of the great pleasures of my life.  My favorite part of Israel, without a doubt, is the people.  Shakshuka comes in at a close second.

Rachel: What is your favorite Jewish holiday?
Jake: Passover.  It’s a story of Jewish perseverance and freedom, and also an opportunity for great food, great rituals, and lots of family awkwardness.

Rachel: What is your favorite Jewish food?
Jake: My mother’s matzo ball soup (aww).

Rachel: Who is the coolest Jew?
Jake: I’m a big [Theodor] Herzl fan.  While not overly religious, he was unabashedly Jewish.  He recognized a problem, and worked diligently to lay the groundwork for the State of Israel as the solution to that problem.  A journalist by trade, Herzl also had his fair share of pushback and personal problems (including an STD and a crazy family), but man…he rocked that beard.

Rachel: Finish the sentence: When the Jews gather…
Jake: the food disperses.

Rachel: What brought you to DC?
Jessica: I moved to DC for a job—- I received a really unique offer that I couldn’t pass up.  I’m a Jersey Girl and New York will always be my city.  But with all of the District’s galleries and entertainment options, DC and I are getting along fine.

Rachel: What are some things you enjoy doing in DC?
Jessica: Brunch, hitting up the farmers markets, trivia at Sixth and I (you’ll find me on team Blink 180 Jew), schmoozing with interesting people, being on a first name basis with every dog in Chinatown, and brunch.

Rachel: You said brunch twice.
Jessica: I like brunch.  But thankfully I’ve gotten really into running lately.

Rachel: Any races coming up?
Jessica: Glad you asked!  I’m actually captain of a team for PurpleStride, the 5K to raise money for the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network.  Anyone can join (or donate to!) my team.  We’re called Brunch.FIGHT.Run!  (Click here to join the team or donate)

Rachel: What is your favorite Jewish food?
Jessica: Definitely Noodle Kugel.

Rachel: Who is the coolest Jew?
Jessica: That’s a tough one- there are a lot of cool Jews!  I’ll go with Adam Levine, Ben Stiller, Josh Radnor, and Rick Recht.  Adam Sandler would be on the list if only he’d dressed up a little more for the 12-12-12 concert.  And there are a ton of Jewish philanthropists that deserve credit here too.

Rachel: You co-authored “21 People You Will Meet at a Jewish Singles Happy Hour” with Brian Fishbach- who you met at a GTJ happy hour!  Did you personally experience those 21 people before meeting Brian?
Jessica: Absolutely.  We had been talking about these archetypes of people that you’re basically always meeting in any networking situation, and the article just took form.  We received a ton of feedback- everyone was saying how relatable it was- like they know or can identify with at least five of the 21 people on the list.  Personally, I’m the bagel snob state school sorority girl, but if I met your cousin in Israel, then I’m the Jewish geographer too.

In honor of Mother’s Day having just passed:

• 35 Signs You Were Raised By A Jewish Mother - Personally, I thought this one described my Bubbe more than my mom…
• 15 Reasons We Love Our Jewish Moms – Now this one was spot on.

Buzzfeed definitely gets the Jewish lifestye:

• Why Bar And Bat Mitzvahs Were So Completely Awesome – 7th grade was the best!
  
• The 16 Most Annoying Things About Keeping Kosher – Ugh, I feel their pain.  There was also a “part II” to this article, but it wasn’t nearly as good.
• The (Non)definitive Guide To Yiddish – I actually didn’t know all these phrases, but shhh, don’t tell anyone.
• Jewish Cats – One thing Buzzfeed does extremely well is find pictures of adorable cats.  That being said, this one did not live up to my expectations.

They cover the most important of Jewish news (while the following are jokes, they do actually cover some interesting Jewish news such as the recent Newseum controversy):

• Jewish Superheroes - While some are obvious, I wish they explained how they knew all these Superheroes are Jewish.
  
• JDate’s Special Haggadah For Jews Seeking Jews – A big tip of the hat to JDate on the creative JDate profiles for the Passover story characters and their modern take on the 10 plagues.
• A Frat Guide To Dating Jewish Girls – “Date” seems a little inaccurate to me considering the reason for this letter to the fraternity… check out the sorority’s response too.
• 32 Crazy Hamantaschen For Purim – So clutch.
• It’s 12 Months of Nice Jewish Guys! – The calendar that every Jewish girl needs.

Got a favorite Jewish Buzzfeed article?  Send me the link in the comments!

For young American girls, Judy Blume, is something of a hero.  She authored books like Tiger Eyes (1981) and Summer Sisters (1998) that cover a range of topics from puberty to relationships to sex.  For pre-teens, Blume’s books double as entertainment and a biblical guide for navigating the rocky waters of life, and though these “bibles” speak a universal language, Jewish themes seep through the sheepskin.  Her most popular novel, Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret (1970) tackles the issue of understanding religious identity and relationships to God—Issues that hit close to home for Blume, who was born in 1938 as Judith Sussman to Esther Rosenfeld and Rudolph Sussman in Elizabeth, New Jersey.

Growing up, Blume attended Synagogue, but didn’t understand much of what was going on, as it was all Yiddish to her!  Most of her aunts and uncles passed away during her youth, so she attributes much of her philosophies on religion to the fact that her family seemed to be in a perpetual state of Shiva sitting.

Blume grew up culturally Jewish, but like the character of Margaret, God was more of a personal confidante, rather than an omniscient religious being.  Confidante or not, Blume could not escape the wrath of Jewish guilt, and when she fell for a goy named Fred in ninth grade, she was told it was okay, “since they weren’t getting married.”  Story of every Jewish girl’s life.

Coming from a Jewish community, but having gentile friends and boyfriends at school, made the world seem split between two faiths (Judaism and Christianity) for the young Blume. This limbo between religions was the inspiration for Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret, where the protagonist sixth grader tries to reconcile her half Jewish and half Christian identity, all the while waiting for her own red sea to rise (her period ahem ahem).

Blume’s heritage and understanding of the trials and tribulations of being a young adult made her a best-seller amongst Jewish girls, so it’s no wonder that every girl at JCA Shalom sleepaway had their Judy Blume paperbacks nestled between their Lisa Frank folders!

Rachel: What brought you to DC?
Rachel: I came to DC to study anthropology at GW, and I haven’t really left, except for two short stints living abroad (Senegal in college, and Thailand as a volunteer with the American Jewish World Service).  Who could leave DC with this many free museums and festivals?

Rachel: We heard you co-chaired Yachad’s Grown-up Field Day.  What was that like?
Rachel: Field Day was a blast!  We had a great turnout, and had a lot of fun with goofy challenges like “Soapy Skeeball” where people tossed water balloons into buckets.  We raised a lot of money for Yachad’s programs, which will all go towards future repair projects, including one coming up this fall at Marie Reed– where the event was held.  I just wish I had put on more sun screen!

Rachel: You just became the new Director of Engagement at Adas Israel. What will you be doing?
Rachel: I’m wearing a lot of hats in my new position at Adas, but a big one is continuing to build our successful Young Professional program.  We have 200-300 people each time Shir Delight meets, and we have a lot of plans in the works for new events and ways to build the community.  Come check us out sometime!  I’ll save you a seat.

Rachel: What is your favorite Jewish holiday?
Rachel: Sukkot, but only when the weather is nice.  I love eating outside with friends and seeing all the neat things people do with their sukkahs.  We’re in a tiny apartment now, but someday, we’ll have space for a sukkah.  Someday.

Rachel: What is your favorite Jewish food?
Rachel: Hamentashen and just about any dessert at the end of a shabbat meal, whether it’s brownies at Shir Delight, or Ben and Jerry’s at home.

Rachel: Finish the sentence: When the Jews gather…
Rachel: …the noshes disappear.

You kiss as much ass with your significant others’ parents as much as you do with your boss.

You spend 25 minutes looking around the house for your reading glasses not realizing that they’re on your face.

You recite jokes that are five paragraph essays.

Your cell phone interrupts the silence before Ha-motzi—and the ringtone is the theme to “Curb Your Enthusiasm”

Most of your stories begin with, “Did I ever tell you about the time…” and before your audience can answer, you tell them for the third or fourth time.

You have no idea what an embarrassing story is.

You wear a hideous adjustable baseball hat with your friends’ company logo on it.

You fall asleep at Major League Baseball games, but only for a few minutes.

At non-Jewish weddings, you complain that there’s too much liquor and not enough food, and that there is no one there to callously estimate how much the whole wedding cost.

You tip-toe out of bed to secretly go on YouTube and laugh hysterically at old clips of ’The Three Stooges’, ‘Blazing Saddles’, and snippets from the ‘Howard Stern Radio Show‘ from the early 1980s.

You cease to mix self-consciousness with your propensity to sing Rat Pack tunes.

You say, “I don’t need to buy any new clothes, mine still fit and are in style”, despite the fact that you bought them 15 years ago, they have holes, and a plume of dust emits every time someone pats your shoulder.

No matter how perfect the meal is, you always find a reason to complain to the waiter at the restaurant.

You have developed a super power called “the ability to completely tune out nagging”.

When you forget to bring a plastic bag when you’re walking the dog, you shamelessly just use your hands to clean up after the pooch.

You buy a paper copy of the New York Times every day to “keep the gray old lady in business”, even though you own an iPod, iPad, and MacBook.

You fall asleep at Barnes and Nobles while reading Chaim Potok and Mitch Albom books—except the Barnes and Nobles store has been a NikeTown for a year and you’re just passed-out in the middle of a shoe store.

When a salesman tells you the price of a car, the least likely thing you will say is “sounds great, I’ll take it right now!”

You have no inner monologue when it comes to discussing your health issues.

You have been told more than once this week to trim your nose hair.

When your children tell you about a new friend they made, you immediately ask them, “What does their Daddy do?”

You have children and love them as much as you complain about them when you’re taking a schvitz.

Add your own Jewish father signs in the comments!

Brian Fishbach is a comedian, writer, political satirist, former GTJ JGOTW, and musician specializing in social and political commentary.  You can read Brian’s weekly satire news articles at www.TheComedyNews.com, and enjoy his late-night jokes at www.BrianFishbach.com.  Join The Comedy News’ Facebook page for updates.

As young Jewish professionals living and working in Washington, DC, we all know there is no shortage of organized Jewish opportunities to be crammed together with your friends in a Dupont Circle, Downtown, or Capitol Hill bar with a few hundred of your peers.

As fun and social as these gatherings can be, I often found myself asking, is there more to Jewish networking and meeting new people in DC?

A few years ago, I stumbled upon a series of organized Jewish opportunities for young professionals to step outside of our usual circles.  Happy hour with young Indian-American professionals.  Wine and cheese at the Goethe-Institut with visiting German journalists.  Dinner reception with young foreign embassy diplomats.

What piqued my interest about these gatherings was that they were focused not only on our Jewish and personal networks, but also about broadening horizons and meeting people from other local communities and countries.  The events also featured substantive elements that spoke to my strong interest in international relations, Israel, and multi-culturalism and support for democratic values, human rights, and pluralism in the US and abroad.

In fact, their whole purpose was to bring young Jews and non-Jews together in a spirit of friendship and partnership, to get to know one another, and to dialogue on issues of mutual concern and interest to our communities and our countries.

How cool was that?, I thought.

From experience, I recognized in today’s globalized world that it’s not enough for Jews to be isolated in our own communities and networks.  And for Israel to thrive and flourish, it needs friends and allies around the globe.  Here was an organization that was offering me both the tools and the opportunity to be an advocate for Jewish communities, and for Israel, by helping develop strategic partnerships with foreign diplomats and non-Jewish partners with the goal of safeguarding democracy, civil liberties, and Israel’s existence.

It brought the opportunity to learn about other countries, cultures, and communities.

In fact, it required it.

The fact that it was a Jewish organization, the American Jewish Committee (AJC), that pulled these pieces together with the understanding (the expectation!) that there would be some cultural differences and sensitivities, was all that I needed to find a Jewish connection.

It was intellectual, cross-cultural, and international – with Jewish values and Israel at the core.

Since those initial gatherings, I’ve become more involved, as a volunteer lay-leader, in AJC’s work and with its young professionals initiative, ACCESS.  I’ve attended small briefings at embassies and dinner receptions with ambassadors and young diplomats from around the world.  I’ve traveled with ACCESS to Austria and met with foreign ministers and dignitaries, UN and EU officials, parliamentary leaders, and local Jewish communities and to Miami this past February to meet with local Latino-American leaders and Latin American consuls general.

Through these opportunities, I’ve seen these experiences not as an extension of a high school or college youth group, but as part of something bigger, a global-oriented agenda advocating on behalf of Jewish communities, Israel, and democratic values through building bridges with foreign countries’ leaders and intergroup and interfaith partners in the most thoughtful of ways – through face-to-face engagement, dialogue, and friendship.

What’s more, is that here in Washington, DC, we are at the forefront of this work.

AJC’s annual Global Forum and ACCESS Summit are hosted here each spring, where people from across the country and from around the world gather each year to discuss and debate the big issues of the day facing our communities, our countries, and Israel.  Where else can you network and dialogue with Jews from Brazil, France, Australia, Czech Republic, and Israel?  Where else can you have private, small group dinners with a foreign minister or ambassador from Azerbaijan, Colombia, Morocco, Poland, Spain, and Singapore, among others.  Where else can you hear a Muslim theologian speak to a Jewish audience about how best to dialogue with the Islamic world?

These are elements at this year’s gatherings.

I hope you will join me at the 2013 AJC Global Forum and ACCESS Summit.

And I hope you will join us in our work here in Washington, and abroad, this year.

Monday, May 13th:

• 7:30 pm - The TEN: An Alternative Shavuot Experience featuring Josh Radnor (Sixth&I)

Tuesday, May 14th:

• 6:30 pm – Shavuot night – Ice cream sundae bar, yoga, theatre workshop, learning opportunities, and more
• 7:00 pm - Tikkun Leil Shavuot with Moishe House MoCo and Congregation Beth El Montgomery County
• 7:45 pm - Shavuot with Rosh Pina
• 8:00 pm - Four Corners Shavuot @Adas Israel: “Different Paths to One God”
• 8:00 pm - Kesher Israel Tikkun Leyl Shavuot
• 8:00 pm - Shavuot Dinner, Jewish Jeopardy & Late Night Learning @ TheSHUL

Wednesday, May 15th:

• 7:30 pm – Wine and Cheese Ten Commandments Art Show (MoCo Moishe House)