Gatsby's Corner

Did Boston Barstool Sports Just Hi-Jack My Blog From This Morning?

2011-09-26T13:40:00.000-05:00

So I wrote a blog this morning about the "Phantom Holding Call" during Johnny Knox's punt return yesterday. A website I read on the reg and am a patron of just posted a blog about it very similar to my blog post including the words "Phantom Holding" the same video clip and Vegas references for betting and that it was a trick play. Should I be flattered or pissed? You can make your own judgement by hitting the link to http://boston.barstoolsports.com/random-thoughts/bad-beat-of-the-weekend-phantom-hold-in-bears-game/ and you can compare it to my post from hours earlier at http://thegraytgatsby.blogspot.com/2011/09/phantom-hold.html Feedback please.

Observations From My Time In Europe

2011-09-26T12:48:00.000-05:00

I spent the past few weeks gallivanting about Europe and I made a few observations.

Americans really are assholes. I was at the Musee D'Orsay in Paris trying to be "sensitive" and "artistic" at the Van Gogh and Impressionist exhibits. While I'm quietly trying to walk around and appreciate historical pieces of art there's a group of Americans from my favorite city Philadelphia (note: I fucking hate 99 percent of Philly the sports teams, the fans, the city itself) and all they could talk about were their careers as lawyers and the cases they had to deal with. Yo assholes you're in motherfucking PARIS with priceless art all around you. Shut the fuck up and take a look and maybe the rest of the world will eventually cease to hate our country.
Girls in the EU do it right. I didn't see a pair of sweat pants or sneakers on a chick in the 3 weeks I was there. Girls dressed to the nines to go do the groceries and dinner is always on the table when you get home from work. They say Eutopia is made up but I'm pretty sure I found it.
Public transportation. I don't even know where to start. Shit is to the MINUTE with every single bus and train. No fucking around if that bus/train stop says the bus is arriving at 5:23:15 that bus/train is there at 5:23:15 +/- 10 seconds. You can't beat punctuality.
Speaking of those girls they're fucking gorgeous. We really need to address this obesity problem in the states. As my boy Macaulay Culkin once said "Buzz, your girlfriend, WOOF." As America we're Buzz and our girlfriends are not on point.
People in general. We need to stop stressing so much as a country. I know times are tough and we have a pussy president in office but sometimes you gotta step back and look at your surroundings and just enjoy. It seems like everyone over there does that. Granted they have really nice surroundings but their economies all suck too so there's no reason why we have to exist as fucking chumps. There's a name for that and it's called the Napoleon Complex and last times I checked the world dick meter we measured up pretty well.

Does This Look Like The Face Of A Chick Who Failed To Swim From Cuba To Florida For The 3rd Time?

2011-09-26T11:49:00.000-05:00

Fucking chicks. I didn't know there was a kitchen or laundry room somewhere in the sea. Did Ariel tell you to find that shit on a distance swim because otherwise I've got the facilities for you to make me a sandwich and press my oxfords. They say third time is the charm but apparently not for Diana Nyad who made her third FAILED attempt at swimming like 80 miles from Cuba to Florida. This time the cause of failure was Portugese Man-O-War stings which I admit would fucking suck. The thing that irks me most about this is not the fact that this 61 year old broad has nothing better to do, because old people really have nothing better to do and I know when I'm old I want to go to sea to die because I'm a sailor but I don't plan on swimming myself to death but rather a combination of excessive rum, cigars, illicit substances, and prostitutes. The thing that irks me the most is that this bitch has a whole team of people to do this with. She has divers swimming next to her the whole time to fend off sharks. She's got doctors and a chase boat and the media etc. You know how much that shit has to cost because I don't but I imagine it's a fucking lot. If you wanna go break records or whatever you geriatrics do do that shit on your own. I got no respect for a record that required a whole fucking team of people to accomplish. That's not a record that's a stunt. Fucking chicks man.

The American Hikers Who Spent 2 Years in an Iranian Prison Are Back In The States.

2011-09-26T11:34:00.000-05:00

As you may have heard Iran had been holding two American Citizens hostage for the past two years on charges of spying when they accidentally crossed the border of Iraq into Iran while hiking in Iraq's Kurdish Mountain region. Last week the hikers, Shane Bauer & Josh Fattal, were finally released after the US government paid a $500,000 bond for each of them. This weekend they arrived back in the States and held a press conference detailing their experience in Iranian prison. I caught some clips of their press conference and I sympathize with the shittiness of being locked up for 2 years in a fucking desert country but you know what this shit is on them. You want to plan a hiking trip bro? How about fucking Colorado or the French Alps. Do you know what sort of shit storm was going on in Iraq 2 years ago? Who the fuck would be sitting around planning a vacation and thinks to themselves "Oh hey you know what those Kurdish Mountains in Iraq are great this time of year." Yea bro they're great when there's fucking SCUD missiles flying around and terrorists with sniper rifles sitting in those hills. Oh not to mention a shared border with Iran who George W. dubbed as part of the trifecta known as the Axis of Evil. Smooth planning guys. I guarantee Orbitz didn't suggest special rates for the trip to a war zone.

p.s. if these guys were Jewish no shot that Iran would have ever let them go.

Does This Look Like The Face Of A Guy Who Met His Ex-Girlfriend At An Anime Convention and Then Held Her Captive For 2 Months?

2011-09-26T11:15:00.001-05:00

So I was sitting on the couch last night after the premier of Boardwalk Empire and this story popped up on the 10 O'clock news. Now I don't in any way condone tying up your ex-gf and holding her hostage (unless she asked for it in a role play kinda way) but you know what I think she had it coming to her. These lovebirds met online via Facebook and their first date took place at an Anime convention. We all know that Facebook is a facilitator of sexy times but at least in my case the sexy times never started from someone I'd never actually met. Like do people really just randomly friend someone that looks attractive? If that was the case my fucking friend list would be astronomical. However, I don't friend people who I've never met. I just work my Facebook poke game on the ladies who've had the pleasure of meeting me in person. These cats here apparently never met in person until they started talking on Facebook and then the first date at an ANIME CONVENTION. You gotta be outside your mind to meet a stranger at an anime convention. Like you're asking to end up as a character from the movie 7even by agreeing to do so. So although I don't condone abuse, if you do go fuck yourself, this chick should have seen it coming. Ladies the lesson here is you never meet up with a stranger at an anime convention unless you want to be held captive for 2 months.

p.s. of course this guy's fucking Asian. Asian's and anime it's like peanut butter and jelly.

p.p.s. this bro's name is Sir Wilfred Camaligan. How the fuck is he a Sir? Did Queen Elizabeth knight his ass? I can't hate on the name. Fake life shit right there.

Full Story in The Link Below
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/breaking/chi-man-accused-of-holding-woman-captive-to-appear-in-court-today-20110925,0,1103262.story

The Phantom Hold

2011-09-26T10:39:00.000-05:00

As you may or may not know my blog is based out of Chicago and yesterday we had a rematch of the NFC Championship at Soldier Field. I had the privilege of being at that game last winter, bundled up in my ski gear freezing my fucking ass off and watching my boy Jay Cutty questionably exit the game in the 2nd quarter leading to our demise and eventually a Packer Superbowl Championship. I'm not gonna lie I can't hate on the Pack. Aaron Rodgers is probably the best quarterback I've ever gotten to see play with my own eyes. Bro is a laser in the pocket and on the go. Clay Matthews scares the piss out of me. But aside from these two I think that the Bears and Packers are a good match-up (if Cutler isn't freaking out and forcing throws and if Forte can actually get the ground game going). I'm not complaining about the game yesterday we had like 45 chances in the 4th quarter to turn it around and we fucked up most of the time. The punt return above, however, was not one of those wasted chances. This is one of the worst calls I've seen in recent memory against the Bears. A fucking hold? Are you shitting me? That was a clean and clever return if I've ever seen one. Knox just rumbling down the field. Hester juking motherfuckers like it's nobodies business. Get the fuck out of here officiating crew. Obviously Vegas called to ensure the over/under on the game. No question that was a legitimate clean return and I loved the design of the return. Look for it in the future.

I'm Back Bitches

2011-09-26T10:26:00.000-05:00

Your boy is back in the blogosphere. After many many months off/being lazy/summer I am back. And by popular demand I might add. Stay tuned throughout the day I have loads of blogging ammunition to dispense and I'm going to try my hardest to keep these posts coming. Your feedback means a lot to me and it's a huge reason why I'm starting this up again. So get your girlfriends/boyfriends/wives/mistresses and what have you reading my site and if the numbers stay up then so will I. I'M BACK BITCHES.

Terminator, Governator, Impregnator

2011-05-18T13:36:00.002-05:00

At one point in time Arnold Schwarzenegger was the biggest movie star on the planet. I remember the first time I watched the Terminator movies and the next time I went to get my haircut I told the stylist I wanted my haircut to be like Arnold's. The man was an inspiration. I even had to opportunity to meet him when I was little. I was on vacation in Key West and I was throwing back virgin pina coladas in the hot tub at the Pier House Resort when the one and only Arnie gets in the tub with me. I thought I was going to lose my shit. He was staying at the resort while filming True Lies.

Fast forward 15 years and once again Arnold has me losing my shit except this time I'm not in a hot tub. I am however in awe of the fact that the woman above was Arnold's side piece. Arnold, your girlfriend, WOOF. Come on maaaan. You're better than that! You're the fucking Terminator! You're the Governator! Why the fuck is a troll like this even on your staff bro?? It always blows my mind when people of power stoop to these levels. Sure Maria Shriver is no prize but at least she's a Kennedy. That clout somewhat makes up for the fact that she looks like skeletor. I just see these people who can have it all and they go and raw-dog a gorilla. Bad form. I pull high quality ass for some reason and I can't imagine what would happen if I had the power of Hollywood behind me. It would be ludicrous. Which is why Arnold should be ashamed of himself. With great power comes the responsibility to only smash great pussy and Arnold you've let us all down. Shame on you.

Is This Reality?

2011-05-03T12:00:00.001-05:00

So last night my allergies were kicking the shit out of me preventing me from passing out and I was up to notice that there are still commercials for "Singles" phone lines. You know the ones that cost like $10/min to talk to strangers. Quite a bargain I know. Anyways it got me thinking are people really that hard up for ass that they have to resort to "Singles" phone lines? Well this morning I see this gem on the interweb and it seems to reinforce that idea. Matt Simpson here has taken out an ad on Facebook in search of tail. I have so many awesome things to say about this. First off I know not everyone is a bro like me or my friends and has the ability to slay chicks on the reg. But seriously this is starting to get ridiculous. The only reason Facebook thrives is so you can do recon and poke chicks already. If those aren't resources enough for you to get some ass every so often then perhaps you need to re-evaluate your life. I guess if you need to take out an ad you should at least make that shit appealing. Like Matt here talks about the "awesome vegetable garden" in his backyard. You fucking kidding me bro? A vegetable garden? That shit is for the birds. Or this gem "I'd rather talk on the phone than text." Newsflash dude it's 2011 and bitches love texting. I'm sure there are some lovely ladies out there who would love to spend hours on the phone with you the reason being is they probably don't have a social life. Like I'm out doing shit on a nightly basis. I don't have time for phone calls and neither should anyone under the age of 45. Matt here went about this thing the wrong way. Here's a killer ad for you people that can't get laid in real life. Everything in parentheses is my personal opinion and not part of the ad.

About Me: A lot of people go to college for 7 years...(boom your opening line...you make a chick laugh and your in...if she doesn't recognize that as a Tommy Boy quote then she has no sense of humor PASS)

Biography: Ask around. (keep it mysterious)

Gender: BRO

Personal Info: I like to be an asshole on occasion but I'll probably hold the door for you and that other chivalrous shit. I'd rather text unless you're calling me to have the doorman let you into my building/need bail money/are in the hospital. Sometimes I like to make myself a pitcher of margaritas on a Tuesday afternoon and take a nap on my rooftop.

Personal Interests: I enjoy sailing my boat more than anything (sailboat = ultimate panty dropper). Inappropriate amounts of wine and inappropriate conversations. Chilling with my bro's. I like to travel as much as possible it makes you a better person when you expand your knowledge of the world. Sunday Funday.

And there you have it folks I think we have a clear winner.

I'm Back

2011-05-03T10:57:00.000-05:00

After a 3 month long hiatus I've decided to return to the world of blogging. I don't know why I stopped but since Jesus came back from the dead last weekend I feel like I should come back from blogging death and get back in the saddle. And what better way to celebrate my return to the blogging world than pictures of my favorite train wreck Lindsay Lohan attending her first community service appointment sans bra with her tits just flapping in the wind in a sheer tank top. She's got 480 hours of community service so one can only hope this is just the start of good things to come.

Charlie "Rehab" Sheen

2011-01-28T17:41:00.000-06:00

As much as I've idolized Charlie Sheen and his debauchery I just wanted to clear up that it was for satirical purposes. I just saw the newsflash that he has voluntarily checked himself into rehab at an undisclosed location and I want to wish him the best of luck. Yea pornstars and briefcases of blow sound like a good time but I wouldn't want to see that be the end of one of my favorite actors. Too many people depend on Charlie and he's got the support of his bosses, co-workers, and family. Best wishes Charlie, get well.

Charlie Sheen for President

2011-01-27T15:49:00.002-06:00

UPDATE 5:10 PM: Charlie Sheen had a briefcase of cocaine delivered to his house during his party. It allegedly contained bricks of cocaine. WOW.

Bud Fox is at again ladies and gentlemen. This morning Charlie Sheen was rushed to the hospital with severe abdominal pains resulting from what was no doubt another epic party. Reports are swirling saying that Charlie was partying at his house with 5 count 'em 5 young ladies and one of them was you guessed it another porn star. The lucky porn star is Kacey Jordan and she's 22 years old. I can't say I'm familiar with her work but after a quick google image search I'm now acquainted. Not bad...she's no Bree Olson but she's a hottie no less. Now I'm sure fairies like Perez Hilton will be blasting the internet waves condemning Charlie for this latest night of debauchery but like I've said before this man is just living the dream. Sure sometimes you'll get rushed to the ER on a Thursday morning but that's just the price you pay for smashing 5 girls in the course of 24 hours. There's no doubt in my mind he got down with each one. I don't think I'd even make it to the ER if I slammed 5 girls in one night. The coroner would show up and find me laying in bed with no pulse and the biggest shit eating grin anyone's ever seen. If he makes it to 2012 I'm writing him in the Presidential ballot. This shit would be way more entertaining than having Obama in office...it's not like things could get much worse with Charlie at the helm of the country. Pictures of Charlie's new porn starlet Kacey Jordan are below. She's got that whore look in her eye like a motherfucker...gotta love girls with daddy issues...they make the world go 'round.

Drugs & Politics

2011-01-21T01:21:00.001-06:00

There are currently two issues on my radar that I feel need to be addressed. The first of which is the PM of Italy Silvio Berlusconi and his alleged affairs with a 17 year old smokeshow belly dancer (she's now 18 game on). Let's cut to the chase and say that the PM (prime minister for those of you who don't follow international politics) was banging this broad. First of all I can only hope that at the age of 74 (Berlusconi's age) I'm even capable of holding a conversation with 17 year old smokes let alone being the leader of a nation. I'm pretty sure that's not in the cards but Biggie told me the sky's the limit so we'll see. For those of you who don't know the back story PM Berlusconi supposedly showered this girl with lavish gifts in exchange for that sweet apple pie and one of her roommates went to the press with the story. So first off that roommate better be on the streets after that move. Like who the fuck does that to their roommate? Hope you liked your 5 minutes of fame as the big mouthed roommate. My first problem with this story is that it has absolutely nothing to do with what the PM accomplishes as a politician. What it boils down to is a bunch of haters creating a buzz over my man Berlusconi smashing underage tail behind closed doors. This is none of anybody's business and it has no reflection on what he has accomplished as a politician. It's a case of bro-haters vs. bro's that are laying pipe. Now the entire country of Italy is split over whether to continue supporting their PM or get him out of office. This chick is almost as powerful as Helen of Troy just straight up causing devastation throughout a whole country. I guarantee any guy in the same position of power and influence would do the same thing and if you say you wouldn't then you need to work on cracking your closet door open. Seriously get the fuck out of there it's OK it's 2011.

My second political gripe stems from a CNN interview with Gil Kerlikowski who, for those of you not familiar, is the Director of the White House's National Office of Drug Control Policy AKA the US Drug Czar. He's fresh off a three day tour of Colombia, the producers of everyone's favorite nasal congestant. After our boy Gil explains that our country, which mind you is as of December 31, 2010 $14 TRILLION in debt, has been pumping $7 billion into Colombia to fight the "war on drugs" is "starting" to be successful. Take in those numbers again and explain where the success is. He claims that national cocaine use is on the decline and I call bullshit. I've seen things homey and shit is not on the decline...more like people are more careful and knowledgeable about what they're doing that's why statistics are going down. The war on drugs will never be won. I'm not saying everything should be legalized but at least stop pumping money into other countries and stop raising taxes on the main land.

On a sidenote I think Obama's approval rating would sky rocket if he started slamming some hot belly dancer no? It's worth a try given his dismal ratings as of late. If you need a new adviser I'm available Prez.

Robert Downey Jr.'s Got Game

2011-01-17T10:13:00.001-06:00

Ricky Gervais wasn't the only one killing it at last night's Golden Globe Awards. Robert Downey Jr. comes out and essentially tells the world that you'll be a better actress if you bang him. I mean this guy is great. The best part is the creeper glances he shoots at Emma Stone. Hilarious. She is so smoking hot. Like the not a fuck up version of Lindsay Lohan. I'll watch anything she is in she's that hot and she's a pretty good actress even though she's fairly new in Hollywood. I expect big things...and by big things I'm hoping some scandalous pictures or video tapes. Seriously these are the hottest pictures I could find of her and that's not O.K. with me. Someone get this girl in at least a Maxim photo shoot ASAP.

Ricky Gervais Is The Man

2011-01-17T09:45:00.001-06:00

I'm honestly pissed that I didn't watch the Golden Globe Awards last night because all I've read about today is how Ricky Gervais basically shit all over 90% of Hollywood throughout the evening while hosting the awards. Just straight up calling everyone out about everything. This clip is his opening monologue which is just awesome. Ripping on Charlie Sheen, calling out powerful Scientologists about being gay (I'm looking at you Cruise and Travolta), shitting all over the Hollywood Foreign Press and more. I normally can't sit through a youtube clip that's longer than 1:30 because I have the attention span of a bird but this is worth the 5:20 to sit through. I love that he calls out the Sex & The City sequel...so sick of hearing about those old bitches. Like seriously who in their right mind would want to bang Sarah Jessica Parker? She looks like a fucking witch. I don't know who the rest of them are but they're fucking haggard. Anyways if I were Ricky I'd be watching my back because he ends the monologue by taking a shot at everyone's favorite anti-Semite Mel Gibson. After hearing all the audiotapes that his whore of a gold-digging wife kept of him I'd consider Mel to be someone I wouldn't want to piss off. Like dude is gonna come crucify your ass or something crazy. At least we all know that Ricky Gervais has balls unlike the majority of award show hosts who kiss everyone's ass while hosting. Props bro. Mad props.

NFL Playoff Feelings

2011-01-17T00:44:00.002-06:00

Thus far I haven't written about the NFL playoffs because there is only one team I give a shit about and also the team that I love...the CHICAGO BEARS...and today was their first playoff appearance in 3 years so I'm going to have to put my two cents out on the interweb. Da Bears did not get any respect from 95% of nationally syndicated sports writers throughout the season. That trend seems to be continuing as Jim Trotter of Sports Illustrated wrote that Jay Cutler had "a borderline exceptional" performance against the Seahawks. Well Jim Trotter the last time I checked a quarterback rating of 111.3 is more than exceptional...especially since this was Cutler's first playoff appearance in the NFL. Fucking hater. Granted they have had a few questionable calls during the regular season (I know the Calvin Johnson call was shit but it's the rule that's shit and that's how it was written) that worked out in their favor but that's how life is in the NFL. Despite these questionable calls they are still the #2 seed in the NFC and today they straight raped the Seahawks for 3 quarters. I'm sure the critics will read this and say they allowed 24 points. Well this is what I have to say...I was at the game and I watched a quarterback, Jay Cutler, who has been criticized all year for his passing decisions act calmly and make great passes and run the football when necessary. Today the Bears presented a balanced offense with very few mistakes and great defense. Not to mention that Cutler was the white man's Michael Vick...just running touchdowns and scrambling for positive yardage. Plus he never murdered any dogs so you know you know you can in good conscience root for him. We know that the defense is usually a given so the weight of the world lies on the offenses shoulders. We did it all today. Next week is going to be tough. It's an NFC championship game of epic proportions...Bears vs. Packers...the longest existing rivalry in football...and for the first time in NFL history it is going down and it's going down at Soldier Field. I don't underestimate the Packers at all. They are a great team on offense and defense. Clay Matthews scares the piss out of me. One of the best defenders in the league. Aaron Rodgers is a beast there's no question he's a straight gun-slinger as he proved against Atlanta on Saturday night. Just straight fucked the Falcons with no lube. It's definitely intimidating to go up against a team like the Packers who have this much momentum coming into the NFC championship game. But guess what folks? The Bears and Packers split their series during the regular season with the Bears barely losing in the season closer at Lambeau in a game that they had nothing to lose seeing as they had already clinched their playoff berth. They held the Packers to 10 points on home turf even though they only scored 3. The point is that game was at Lambeau Field and it was extremely close with a lot of shut down defense on the Bears part. Sure the Packers sacked Cutler six times but you know what so did the Seahawks in the regular season match up...and they obviously couldn't repeat that performance at the divisional playoff match up. If Cutler stays protected and the defense pressures Aaron Rodgers and provides good coverage against Green Bay's receivers then ladies and gentlemen the Chicago Bears will go to the Superbowl. And now that the Patriots are out (the most frightening team of the regular season) I think it's gonna come down to shoving a snack up Rex Ryan's fat ass trash talking mouth (if they beat the Steelers which I'm thinking is gonna happen) in Dallas. But first Green Bay. The bottom line is the Bears have not gotten any respect this season...they are pissed and that was evident today against the Seahawks...Cutler's performance, knocking bitch ass Seattle players out, Greg Olsens 100 yards before halftime, Devin Hester just returning kicks like a motherfucker when he gets his hands on the ball...we have the potential to take it all and there's nothing that would make me happier than seeing the Lombardi Trophy being driven through the streets of Chicago. I've got high hopes I know. Green Bay first.

Chicago Bears -2...haven't talked to my bookies yet but that's my prediction for the spread against the Packers.

The Yacht Week

2011-01-14T11:00:00.001-06:00

Although I've just recently returned from the island of Aruba I've already got an itch to get back out on the water. While out with one of my boys last night discussions arose of a trip to Seville, Spain in March. As sick as that sounded I had a better idea and I present to you The Yacht Week. A whole week on a sail boat in the Mediterranean...sign me the fuck up. I found out about this adventure last spring and it's been on my list of things to do. So the question is do I go to Seville or do I convince the gents to do The Yacht Week? I'm a sailor by heart so I have to choose The Yacht Week...plus the trailer above makes it look like the most ridiculous vacay ever. If you don't agree with me you should probably go bite a bullet. Hands down potentially the most epic vacation ever. Smokeshows, Europe, and boats. Can't be beat.

Hot New Single to Spice Up Your Wednesday

2011-01-12T12:26:00.000-06:00

Just downloaded this track by Far East Movement, the guys that brought you "Like A G6." It's called "Rocketeer" and features vocals from One Republic's frontman Ryan Tedder. Just a dope track from start to finish. Check it out. Expect to hear this hitting the airwaves on the regular in the coming weeks.

The Most Annoying People On Facebook

2011-01-12T03:44:00.001-06:00

There are a few types of people on facebook that I just want to stab in the face. This will never happen because I'm a pretty chill person and I can never imagine being aggressive towards someone unless they were doing something to me at the same time. So with that premise I'd like to introduce you the 5 biggest assholes on facebook.

1. In a Relationship- yea no fucking shit you're in a relationship. Everyone of your friends noticed that shit in their newsfeed when you made it official. I personally think relationships are the biggest waste of time in the world because no guy in their 20's knows where he wants to stick his dick for the rest of his life. Fact. I'm pretty sure no girl wants to be banging the same guy for the next 80 years either...that's why cheating happens. People get bored. Besides this it's just dumb as fuck to declare your love for someone via the internet. The people I love most know that I love them because of the relationships I maintain with them. So...asshole with the pic of you and your girlfriend holding hands...cut your losses short...she probably sucked someone off at the last "girl's night" she had.

2. People that put their mood in their status- yea we all have emotions but you know what? 80% of us don't shout it out to the world. Having a bad day? Be a man and go buy a bottle of scotch and stop being a fucking pussy. Who the fuck wants to get on facebook and see their news feed clogged with your sissy ass shit? I'll tell you who...NO ONE. Sack up and act like a man...pussy.

3. The political/religious people...yea I went to Catholic school for 12 years...probably the biggest mistake of my life...it just turned me into the rebel without a cause that I am today. Either way facebook is for connecting and for getting laid so keep your political and religious opinions at home. And I'm sure I'll get heat for that statement but you know what? I go on facebook to either get laid or to promote myself and it works like a charm therefore shut the fuck up about politics and religion...go find another forum because no one here gives a fuck.

4. Hipsters- just go away...you guys are worst than locusts.
5. Family- I love them to death but they can be straight narc's. Busting me out about status updates that I'm drunk and having a threesome on a Sunday afternoon. Just kidding I'm still a virgin...vagina is for sinners. PSYCHE!!! I love sex I love booze I love drugs. I'm a Charlie Sheen in the making and I have no regrets.
HONORABLE MENTION- I just looked at my newsfeed and saw a girl I used to fuck who is just desperate for attention...she airs all her dirty laundry via facebook....yea cool you like it dirty and rough...I could have told anyone that...how desperate do you have to be to tell the world how you like it in the sack? I"m guessing pretty desperate. I have no ill feelings towards this girl but her status updates just make me realize why I didn't want to fuck her anymore...as gay as it sounds dumb girls are the worst....not to mention this broad is an Abercrombie model and they only hire smoke shows. For shame.
And now you're privileged enough to know the 5 types of people that I can't stand on facebook. Cheers kids.

Charlie's Just Being Charlie

2011-01-11T11:19:00.003-06:00

Charlie Sheen has gone off the radar this morning in Las Vegas totally MIA and most likely not going to be on set for work on Two And A Half Men today. His people and his bosses are worried and pissed. I on the other hand feel inspired. The man has been in Sin City all weekend on a bender with three porn stars including one of my favorites Bree Olson. How can you not want to party with this guy just once? It's seriously on my bucket list to have a night on the town with Charlie Sheen. Dude is just a pro whether it be locking naked prostitutes in a closet, tearing up rooms at The Plaza, or banging porn stars for days on end and then telling "the man" to go fuck himself and going MIA in Vegas. What a trooper. Not to mention he pulls in about $2 million per episode of Two And A Half Men. I should have been an actor...maybe it's not too late. I feel like that's the kind of lifestyle I was cut out for. On a side note let's hope the reason he's MIA is that he's too busy with his porn star foursome to pick up his phone and not dead somewhere in the desert. I love this guys acting and his antics I'd hate for anything bad to happen to him. As a bonus I've provided some photos of the lovely Bree Olson below. Total smokeshow. Giggity. Call me when you're through with Charlie sugar tits.

UPDATE: Charlie is en route to LA via private jet and heading to work. Like a fucking boss. Boom.

Reason #597 I Hate Hipsters

2010-12-27T13:51:00.000-06:00

God damn hipsters think they're so fucking smart. Is there a more pretentious and self-righteous group of people in existence? Like this clown probably spent countless hours writing his little note cards and thinking of why you shouldn't have a Facebook account. Yea really cool bro. Since when is doing some creeping and checking out titty pictures not sweet? It's always fun to look at pictures of the smoke show you went to high school with who thought she was hot shit and then went to college put on 40 LBS, and got knocked up. Fucking classic you bet your ass I'll spend a few minutes looking at pictures of her fat ass and laughing. And how else are you supposed to know when the dime piece at the office breaks up with her boyfriend and needs some rebound dick in her life? Obviously this guy never used Facebook to assist in chasing skirts. If some chick pokes me on Facebook it's almost guaranteed I'll be poking in real life. Unless you're a worthless hipster...I'm glad he's teaching English in South Korea...one less fucking hipster piece of shit to deal with in this country. If anything this anti-Facebook video was a bigger cry for attention than anything I'll do on Facebook. Fucking hipsters.

Friday Femme Fatale

2010-12-24T12:29:00.000-06:00

Introducing Leighton Meester. Guys I'm going out on a limb here and guessing that the majority of you don't watch Gossip Girl. Big mistake. I've literally landed chicks based on the fact that I know what goes on in that CW drama. Anyways Leighton is one of the main staples of Gossip Girl. She plays the little heiress known as Blair Waldorf and she's basically a classier and more sinister version of Paris Hilton. Minus the night vision sextape. Not that I would be complaining if something like that came out. Shit would be on a repeat loop. Probably would go blind. I love this girl would totally marry her. She's also breaking into the music biz. I just want to show this Waldorf my Astoria. Total smokeshow. Get familiar with her...I predict big things on her horizon.

Bonus- the last picture is of Leighton with her Gossip Girl costar Blake Lively. Also a babe. Smokeshow central ladies and gentleman. I'd pay at least $5 to be that ice cream cone.

10 Bro-sentials For The Bro-liday Weekend (AKA Jesus' Birthday)

2010-12-23T16:50:00.000-06:00

Having been at my folks' house for over 24 hours I've realized that I didn't necessarily pack right. After numerous coffee's with an assortment of J-Mo and Drambuie I've figured out the bro-sential list of things to pack for the holidays. If you think I'm wrong bring it.

1. Bitches

You can't go wrong with bitches. As long as they're in the kitchen or helping your mom clean up after the shit storm you brought in at 2 AM. Had to choose Lohan because she's the hottest ginger alive and her tits are so money. I mean look at that. I don't care how many times she goes to rehab or gets arrested. One good thing is you know she'll blow lines off your cock. Can't beat that. Straight. Class. Homey.

2. Liquor

I'm not hating on beer but the holidays require a harder drink. My personal favorite is Johnnie Walker. I'll keep walking all day long. The only downside to this fantastic beverage is that chicks have no appreciation for it. All about that sauv-blanc and cabernet. Show me a girl who'll drink Johnnie on the rocks and I'll show you a girl that I'll marry 9 times out 10. Straight throwing a ring on it. Haven't found a girl to drink Johnnie in all my years of man-whoring around. Challengers are welcome.

3. Holiday Sweaters

Rock. Holiday. Sweaters. It's the only time of the year when it's accepted to wear a douche bag outfit. Chicks get wet over this shit. Unless they've been lying to me...quite possible.

4. Patience

Time with family means time for patience. You most likely differ in political philosophies or philosophies in general. This is where numero dos comes into play. A little liquor always makes the debates easier/more entertaining.

5. A Cell Phone

Gotta have a phone. 911 in case your dad tries to stab you with a carving knife for blowing your trust fund on bitches and blow. Or for more realistic reasons like you forgot to pull out and you need that Plan B pill ASAP. Or like grandma choked on a bone. Just in case. I don't know what people did before the cell phone age. You know how much pussy I've pulled from texting?! At least 3 girls. I'm still a virgin. But I can pretend. It's fun.

6. Cocaine

I've heard good things. After all that booze you might need a pick me up.

7. Cash Money

After all that booze, blow, and Lohan tits you're gonna need an escape route. Obvi driving is not an option, unless you're the fucking man and say fuck it, so you're gonna need some cash money to pay for a cab. On a personal note cab rides are cheaper than DUI's. Just saying.

8. Your Team Hat

You're undoubtedly going to be home for the games on Sunday. If you're like me you'll be watching the Chicago Bears tear Mark Sanchez a new asshole while Rex Ryan eats some snacks. On a side note if you're white and you still keep the stickers on your cap...do me a favor and kill yourself...fucking disgrace I bet you wear graphic tees too.

9. Xanax

There's only one way you're getting a solid nap in. Check above for directions.

10. Exit Strategy

After impregnating Lohan, doing a bunch of blow, becoming best friends with Johnnie, and eating some xanny bars you're gonna wake up in a haze. It's time to escape. Trains, plains, and automobiles my friends. If that trust fund was tight enough you're hopping on a G5 and peacing out. For those of us less fortunate souls there's the conventional ways of travel. At least New Years Eve is only a week away. BOOM

Don't Be A Scrooge

2010-12-23T15:16:00.000-06:00

It's the time of the year where sentiments run higher than Charlie Sheen at the Plaza Hotel so I'm going to drop some knowledge on all of you. You know that ex that you hate? You know those in-laws you hate? You know that part of the fam that you don't want to hang out with? Let it go. I've learned this from my personal experiences and I'm no Dr. Phil but this is the time of the year to let by gones be by gones. Don't worry I won't get sentimental in the future I'll still write about smokeshows, drugs, booze, and the finer things in life. If you're asking yourself why the Grayt Gatsby is being this guy right now I'll inform you. I just talked to an uncle overseas who I haven't spoke to in nearly a decade. He's been a troublemaker, much like myself, but I put the call in to see if things have changed and it almost brought tears to my eyes. Dude's taking care of my grandmother, reformed, and putting all the shit behind him. You can't ask for a better Christmas miracle. For those of you that might read this by chance take this message away from it...a Christmas miracle is always possible...no matter how down you get about a situation it always gets better. Happy Holidays to all.

X-Box Might be the Grinch...Or A Jew

2010-12-23T13:33:00.000-06:00

Jews run Hollywood this is a known fact but I thought Christians ran the tech sector. Apparently not because I just got Jewed the fuck out of Call of Duty on XBOX live. I may have killed some teammates but shit happens. I was in the game for myself. There's no I in TEAM and I'm playing the I game today. I just wanna kill bitches in COD is that too much to ask for? Maybe I wasn't meant for this world of political correctness and teams. Whatever happened to just grabbing an AK and making shit happen via the XBOX. Fucking haters. I hope you get some coal in your stockings. Let me back in the GAME.