When I became a Christian eons ago, I got into the habit of praising God at the very moment I wake up in the morning.  It became a habit for me because I learned that it is my duty to praise Him.  After all, He’s given me so much and the least that I could do is give my praises to Him.

Then, time went on and I found myself slowly forgetting how to sing praises.  There were times that I really think that it was the reason why my day didn’t turn out right or that my day didn’t turn out for the better.

I heard a (true) story from a pastor way back when about a farmer who became a Christian at the time when his crops were being plagued with worms.  It was his life savings on the line.  He heard a pastor’s talk about “praise” and how it could do wonders specially if you are going through a difficult time.

When he arrived home on that hot afternoon, he took a stool from h his house, walked in the middle of the farm and said to himself, “If this praise thing really works, it better work now.   I am ready to give it my all and I want to find out if the word of God is real.“   At the center of his farm, he put the stool down, stepped on it, raised his hands up high and started screaming at the top of his lungs, “PRAISE THE LORD!  PRAISE THE LORD!“   Nothing happened so he repeated it again, “PRAISE THE LORD!  PRAISE THE LORD!”

Suddenly, the sky grew dark and grim.  The farmer thought that a heavy storm is about to fall on his farm.  He hurriedly got off the stool, picked it up and started running back home.   When he turned around, the darkness he saw was not because dark clouds had come but rather a flock of what seemed to be in the hundreds of thousands of birds which descended onto his farm.  The birds had a feast on the worms that were plaguing his crops and the birds didn’t leave the farm until it was devoid of a single worm.

I never knew exactly what happened to the crops or the farmer but every time I play that story in my head, I get the urge to praise God again.  It brings so much blessing in my life that even if I am having the worst day at work or at home, praising seems to offer a sigh of relief for me. Try it yourself and let me know what happens.   Better yet, try singing.  St. Augustine once said, “When you sing, you pray twice!”.

And as He was now approaching, near the descent of the Mount of Olives, the whole multitude of the disciples began to praise God joyfully with a loud voice for all the miracles which they had seen, saying,

“BLESSED IS THE KING WHO COMES IN THE NAME OF THE LORD; Peace in heaven and glory in the highest!”

And some of the Pharisees in the multitude said to Him, “Teacher, rebuke Your disciples.”

And He answered and said, “I tell you, if these become silent, the stones will cry out!”

Luke 19:37-40

Have a great week everyone!  God Bless!

The Rich Young Man

17As Jesus started on his way, a man ran up to him and fell on his knees before him. “Good teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”

18″Why do you call me good?” Jesus answered. “No one is good—except God alone. 19You know the commandments: ‘Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, do not defraud, honor your father and mother.’[a]”

20″Teacher,” he declared, “all these I have kept since I was a boy.”

21Jesus looked at him and loved him. “One thing you lack,” he said. “Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”

22At this the man’s face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth.

23Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, “How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God!”

24The disciples were amazed at his words. But Jesus said again, “Children, how hard it is[b] to enter the kingdom of God! 25It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”

26The disciples were even more amazed, and said to each other, “Who then can be saved?”

27Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.”

28Peter said to him, “We have left everything to follow you!”

29″I tell you the truth,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel 30will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life.

It’s been days and I still find myself questioning this… “Do I really need everything that I posses?”  Over the years, I have collected many items from knick-knacks to collectible art, rare items and not-so-rare items.  I look around my room and I can’t even believe the amount of  “things” I have kept all these years.  Are any of these necessary for me to survive?  I think not.

When I was younger, I had nothing in mind but to finish school and then enter the monastery to become a priest.   I chose to be a Franciscan because the life of St. Francis of Assisi is one that I intended to follow.  After reading the book about the life of St. Francis, I became deeply inspired by his ideals and his faith.

The turning point came to St. Francis when he visited the Church of San Damiano and heard the voice of Christ saying, “Francis, rebuild my church.”   He took this literally, took fabric from his father’s store and sold it so he could use the money to rebuild the church.  His father considered that act as an act of thievery and wanted him to return the money so he was taken in front of the bishop and demanded that he return all the money that he earned from the stolen fabrics.  That was all Francis needed to hear. He not only gave back the money but stripped off all his clothes — the clothes his father had given him — until he was wearing only a hair shirt. In front of the crowd that had gathered he said, “Pietro Bernardone is no longer my father. From now on I can say with complete freedom, ‘Our Father who art in heaven.’”

I remember a time in my life when everything was so simple.  I get simple joys from watching a leaf fall from a tree during the fall season.  I enjoyed gazing at the sky filled with stars on a clear night.  It was enough for me to take a ride in my car and see the blue sky open up and my eyes would well up with tears of joy.  The wonders of God’s creation.   That was a time in my life when I barely own anything.

Did you know that there was a time in my life that I felt a burden on my shoulders every time I purchased anything?   It really came down to giving everything away in order that I would feel the freedom that St. Francis might have felt during that moment.  A feeling that I would like to feel again.

People wonder why even to this day, I would still think about the possibility of my entering a religious order.   It is somewhat of a fantasy for me.  I want to give up everything I have and follow Christ.  It may never happen but it is always and will always be in my head.  I wonder if that is what they mean by “being called to holiness”.   It’s almost a nagging voice inside of me.

Now that I have almost everything that I need and almost everything that I wanted in life, I feel empty and confused.  There’s just too many material things to worry about.  Am I too attached to the world because of the things that I possess?  Life has become so complicated that I don’t feel like I am living the life I was destined to have.  Is it too late for me to change?  Why do I even feel this way?

I went to mass tonight. A friend was visiting me and at times he would come with me to church. I don’t normally ask as I don’t want to appear as if I am trying to make him go to church. I would rather have him ask me if he would like to join me (which he’s done in the past). I am more pleased when he does it out of his own accord than my asking him to come with me. So, off we went.

I noticed that in the past three or four weeks, my church has been soliciting signatures for a petition that would block the state’s (New Jersey) recognition of same-sex marriage. I never had a problem with the church saying that as I have known ever since that the Catholic Church condemns homosexuality. In fact, the past two weeks – I listened and watched as the priest asked the parishioners to sign the petition. I don’t have any objection to anyone who would like to sign the petition. I just won’t sign it.

As a gay man, I am not pro gay-marriage either. I don’t understand why it has to be defined as “marriage” when the state has already given gay couples the rights to a “civil union” which provides the same benefits to long-term same-sex couples as heterosexuals. So, what’s the big deal?

The state already recognizes civil unions for same-sex couples after a Supreme Court decision in 2006 left it up to the Legislature. The decision to reverse that law — or take it further — is still in the hands of Legislature, where lawmakers have introduced a bill that would allow gay couples to marry (S2898), and a measure (SCR-30) that would ask voters to amend the constitution to define marriage as a union between a man and woman.

However, tonight – I was a little irked by the fact that the priest continued to lobby parishioners to sign the petition during the homily while ignoring that the reading today included a conversation about “divorce” yet, the priest seemed to ignore that topic in his homily. Why would he put so much effort in the fact that the definition of marriage between a man and a woman is not and will never be equal to same-sex couples when there are so much problems with divorce among heterosexual couples?

Here’s the reading from the mass tonight:

And the Pharisees coming to him asked him: Is it lawful for a man to repudiate his wife? tempting him.
3 But he answering, said to them: What did Moses command you?
4 Who said: Moses permitted to write a bill of divorce, and to put repudiated her.
5 To whom Jesus answering, said: Because of the hardness of your heart he wrote you that precept.
6 But from the beginning of the creation, God made them male and female.
7 For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother; and shall cleave to his wife.
8 And they two shall be in one flesh. Therefore now they are not two, but one flesh.
9 What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder.

Don’t you think that this is much more important the same-sex marriage? The family unit is not broken because there are gay couples. The family unit will not be affected by the fact that gays want to use the word “marriage” in their unions. Couldn’t he have focused on the fact that “staying married” is much more important than “same-sex marriage”?

He could have given the married couples in the parish some thoughts about how to keep their vows, what can couples do to keep the love between them or how can married couples resolve issues so that their marriage won’t end in divorce. That should have been his topic.

To fill the pages of the petition with meaningless signatures simply to block a move by the state to legalize same-sex marriage doesn’t mean anything to me. Keeping families together and avoiding more broken homes do.

“I do not understand my own actions because I do not do what I want to. But I do the very thing that I hate. … I can will what is right but I cannot do it. For I do not do the good that I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. Now, if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who does it but the sin that dwells within me. … Wretched person that I am. Who will rescue me from this body of death, from this life of sin? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord.”

Why is it that whenever I try my best to be good, that’s the time that I do things that I shouldn’t? Is it man’s nature or is it pure neglect of the teachings that I’ve learned as Christ taught me?

There are many things in my life that I would like to change.  I want to quit smoking.  I want to help others.  I want to be unselfish.  I want to preach the gospel.  I want .. I want.. I want…  Yet, I fail most of the time.  Can I blame it on human nature?  Or could I even use Adam & Eve as my scapegoat because after they sinned, sin became a part of man.  Is that even an excuse?

I beat myself up so heavy at times that I think of myself as someone who isn’t worthy of God’s love.  Why do I keep on repeating the sins that I know will hurt me?  There are so many good things I want to do but I am not doing it.  I struggle daily as I go through and review my life.

I am a Christian.  I am gay.  Am I going through something different than the rest?

I think there’s only one answer to all my questions.  PRAYER.   When all is said and done, prayer is the only thing that will keep me strong.  But even prayer is a struggle.  Please do keep me in your prayers if you are reading this.  I need to – I want to have that fire that was burning inside of me before.

“Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak.”

I got quite a few comments in moderation today – from Tony Single. Welcome to my blog Tony!

I was deeply moved by his responses on the posts and kinda glad in a way because I didn’t think anyone read this blog at all.   I will be answering his comments in a bit but since I am already making an entry, I might as well put out the thoughts in my head through the keyboard and tell you what it is.

When I was struggling between my faith and sexuality, I had one very big reason why I didn’t want to be identified as “gay”.   I don’t want to sound self-righteous or “mightier-than-thou”.  I just wanted to let you know why.

You know those gay pride events?  When people go to pride parade or a block party.  I never felt I belonged.  I always felt like an outsider whenever I tried to join any of those events.  I know that it is an event that is meant to say to the world that “we’re gay and it’s okay”.   Somehow, I didn’t share the same feeling at the time.  The stigma of being gay for me hurt me so much inside that I wanted to stay as far as I can with the identification.  But, as time went on – I learned to feel more comfortable with the people.  We have different ways of showing our pride.  Some do it in thongs, some do it in women’s clothing – but others – just like me, do it without raising any flags.  I tend to go under the radar during those events.  There are things that go on there that I may not be proud of, but I’m proud of who I am.

Anyway, back to my story.  I knew a gay Christian couple.  They were devoted to God, worked with the Salvation Army and really cool people.  I respect them and they respect me.  I’ve known them for years but I didn’t know until recently that after 25 years of being together, they decided to open their relationship.  I was disappointed in a way but I couldn’t judge them at all because I haven’t been in more than a 4-year relationship let alone 25 years.  Things must change after 25 years.

The question I had in my mind is this.  Okay, so both of themare gay.  That’s not a sin to me.  In all honesty, I was proud to see a couple last 25 years in a monogamous relationship.  We hear that other couples do that after one year!  But to have an open relationship?  And as Christians?  I thought fidelity is fidelity, regardless of gender.  True, they are not cheating on each other because each party agreed to open the relationship.   But isn’t that a sin?   Where is love in all that?

I am asking not to mock them or put them down.  I really just want to know if that is what I have to look forward to.  Will I get together with a partner today, work on a relationship for so long only to open the relationship in the end?  Or am I simply a different breed?

Many people say, “We’re men.  That’s our nature.”  I disagree.  I believe that once you commit to a partner, that is it.  If you want to fool around, then go ahead.  You can do it without me.  Am I being too self-righteous?  Is something along my journey going to make me realize that it’s okay?  I wonder.

My friend Joey and I had dinner the other night.  He is a usual here – he comes 3-4 nights a week to have dinner at my place or at times, we would go to a local diner to chat and catch up.

We got to talking about things, our lives and where we’re going.  We often talk about the time when we grow old and the fear of not being paired with anyone.    As gay men, we may not have children if we don’t choose to adopt.  So, who would be with us when our eyes start to go bad.  What if we become weak in the knees and need assistance just to get up from bed?

Then, he pointed at my ear and he said, “You are starting to grow hair out of your ear?”  I didn’t realize it so I told him, “Can you do me a favor?  I have a tweezer at home, can you pull it for me?”  Then he said, “Of course not!  Are you crazy?”

At that instant, I felt the loneliness and the fear once again.  Who would be with me when I’m older if and when I don’t find a partner or have any children?   Everything that you ask a friend to do for you is a favor.  It’s not really something that is freely offered.  I felt weak.  The words “What ifs…” kept repeating in my head over and over again.

That’s when I thought once more, “This is not my choice.”  I didn’t choose to be gay.  Who would choose a life like this?  Wouldn’t anyone choose to be straight, have a spouse and children who will look after them when they get older?   Did I choose to live alone?   Did I choose to not have children?

As depressing this entry may sound, there really is a light gleaming from the smallest hole in the room.   I realized at the same time that God is ever near.  And the reason I am this way is not my own choosing.  It is His choosing.

And He said:

“Look at the birds in the air,” Jesus said. “They don’t worry where their next meal is coming from. They don’t store up grain in barns. And yet, the Heavenly Father takes care of them. Surely you are worth more to him than a bird.”

“And why worry about your clothing?” Jesus continued. “Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, and yet Solomon in all his glory wasn’t dressed as beautifully as they are. If God cares so wonderfully for these wildflowers, surely he will take care of you. Why do you show your lack of faith by worrying about these things?”

Of course, Joey was just kidding. We got home – I took a shower and he plucked the hair (singular!) off my ear. That’s what friends are for.

It has been 12 long years since I lived in Los Angeles.  I remember the beautiful weather, the hummingbirds outside my apartment window and my weekend visits to the beach just to listen to the waves.  I miss that.  One other thing that I miss is a long-lost friend (well, not really lost – lost in touch maybe) whom I connected so well while I lived there.

For this post, let’s name him Chad.  I met Chad through America Online (when it was really really hip) through a room called gaychristians.  It’s the room I created on AOL that almost quickly filled up every time.   We got into talking and we really enjoyed our conversation online that it quickly led to phone conversations.  I remember how we would talk for hours on end and not even thinking about the time at all.  Our conversations revolved around his struggle of being a Christian and gay at the same time.  I had already gone through the struggle and at a point in my life that I felt comfortable in my own skin.  I wanted to impart to him whatever wisdom God wanted me to share with him similar to the help extended to me by a Trinitarian brother who opened my eyes to the fact that regardless whether I’m gay or straight, God loves me just the same.

Chad and I quickly became friends.  There were no romantic inclination there because I was simply there to share my experience with him.  An experience that made me realize God’s unconditional love.

We finally decided to meet.  There was a Cirque du Soleil playing in L.A. and he loved Cirque du Soleil.  He suggested that we see the show together.  We met, watched the show and had dinner as well.   He didn’t stay long after that and so I thought – hmmm.. that was interesting.  Was he turned off?  I thought it was a good time together.

Shortly thereafter, we continued to talk to each other over the phone.  Hours upon hours of great conversation.  Then, the time came that I had to move back east.  I missed my family a lot and wanted to be back home.  We lost touch.  We kept each other’s email address and phone numbers but we know how that goes.  We would contact each other from time-to-time and say our hellos but nothing like we used to do.

It went on like that for years.  Little did we know, 12 years had passed. I never really knew if he was able to accept his sexuality over the years or if he is married now.  I really missed him.

Two weekends ago, I was camping with my friends when I received a phone call from him.

“Hey, this is Chad!”, he said.

“Chad!  I’m so glad to hear from you! It’s been ages!”, I responded.

“It’s been a long time.  Did I catch you at a bad time?”, he asked.

I didn’t want to appear overly excited so I asked, “Well, I’m camping at the moment with my friends.  I am really glad to hear your voice again but can I call you when I get back home?  The reception here is very weak.”

“Sure, sure!”, Chad said politely.

~Click~

I called Chad as soon as I got back from camping.  There was no answer so I left him a message.   A day went by.  Two days, three, four, a week and a half.  I thought to myself, “Maybe I offended him.”  I didn’t mean to – it was just that I can’t really hear him well over the cell reception at the camp site.

Today, I thought of him again.  I dialed his number.   At around the fourth ring, someone picked up.  “Hello, this is Chad!”.  I really missed that voice.  I said, “Hey, it’s me!”    It took about a minute or so for both of us to get over the awkwardness of not knowing what to say.   After a few minutes, we started our usual conversation.  I couldn’t get over the fact that the feeling was still the same.  We talked four three hours catching up on our lives.

I found out that he moved to the Bay Area and has concentrated on his career, saved a few bucks and started investing in real estate.  He also started day-trading and did pretty well at that too.  Along the way, he met someone.  They were together for a couple of years until something silly happened and they broke up.  I was afraid to ask whether that someone was a guy or a girl until he slipped and said during my litany of questions and responded, “He moved in with me when I bought my house.”  Then, I knew.

We talked about how he is doing with his spiritual life nowadays and that he was finally able to balance his faith and his sexuality.  I was glad.  No, I was ecstatic.

Chad has been a good friend.  When we first met in person, I didn’t feel like he was attracted to me although I was attracted to him.  I didn’t want to show him then because I didn’t want to be the “loser” in the situation.  I didn’t even dare to find out if he was in the least interested in me because we all hate rejection.  I decided to keep it that way.  We stayed friends all these years.

One thing that I like about our conversation is that we know we both love God.  We can talk about God and even though we’re gay, we’re not ashamed to talk about His grace and love.  I like that about Chad.  The highlight of our conversation tonight was when he said to me, “You know, sometimes we are just too impatient.  We don’t know how to wait for anything.  God said, ‘Be still and know that I am God.’  Why can’t we just relax and leave everything up to Him?”

That statement hit me like a ton of bricks.  I realized that I have forgotten how it is to let go and let God.  God is in control.

To make the long story short (short?! ), I am blessed.  I am blessed with friends like Chad.  I am blessed to know that God is in control.   I am blessed because God has a plan for me and Chad.  I don’t know what it is but it’s been in the works for 12 years.  I’m excited to find out.

Now, I can actually watch TV online! Have you heard of it? Spreety TV Online : Watch TV Shows Online Free is the best thing that ever happened to me. Now, I can actually watch my shows while I’m doing something else online (like downloading or whatever have you). I don’t have an excuse anymore not to watch TV. You can watch sports, News, and movies. I am just happy!

It seems like the ‘newfound friend’ and I clicked.  I was invited to go see a movie during the festival.  Hmmm.   I wonder where this will take us.  You’ll never know!  Or will you?

You just have to visit my blog again>>> >soon! 

What I should have done with the vacation money was to have my bathrooms renovated. I needed to paint the walls, replaces all fixtures including the sink and the vanity mirror. I also want to replace the lighting fixtures (like two wall sconces for example instead of an overhead light) and hoping that I could make the bathroom looking more elegant than it is now. Premier Lighting store has a lot of different choices and I was browsing through it and I actually found a couple of fixtures I would like to use. But maybe I will have to wait until after the summer. I’m going to work on painting it first.