When it comes to gay dating and sex, how often does the ‘top or bottom’ question come to mind?

Let’s be honest. When you meet a guy to whom you are attracted, if you are like most gay men, it’s probably right up there in your top 3 questions to ask; especially if you are considering a first date with him. If not, maybe it should be.

It’s More Than Who’s Putting What Where

When searching for compatibility in partners, sexuality is one area we scope out – we instinctively ask how do my expectations about sex match up with his? But beyond the physical logistics of who’s putting what where, the sexual position we prefer is our way of communicating to our partner how I want to please you and, in turn, how I want to be pleased. So can a relationship work when both of you are tops? Both bottoms?
We all have a preference for one position or the other and this is the predominant way we choose to express our sexuality in a relationship.

Take the example of Jim and Steve…

“From the beginning Jim expressed his desire to be the bottom. In his prior relationships, Steve had always been the bottom, however, with Jim he agreed to top. During sex, Jim often felt Steve disconnect from him and after sex would wonder if he was really into it. To make matters worse, Steve found it increasingly difficult to maintain his erection or even orgasm. While Steve wanted to please Jim the way he desired, this was not the position that provided Steve the most enjoyment.”

In sex we play out a domination-submission role with our partner. If the role does not match how we psychologically connect with our partner during sex (for Steve this resulted in a half-hearted attempt at topping), the fantasy becomes difficult to play out. Essentially, the fantasy loses intensity and passion, and can become merely a physical act devoid of erotic energy.

“For both Jim and Steve, anger and resentment over sexual position began to build between the two and ultimately squashed their arousal and excitement for sex before they ever walked into the bedroom.”

Big Ole’ Bottom
It is absolutely critical that we feel comfortable enough to express our sexual needs and fantasies with our partner. However, that can be especially difficult when you aren’t sure of how your partner will react. Unfortunately, even as gays continue to be stigmatized, or at least fail to gain full acceptance by the larger society, the gay subculture also tends to stigmatize those who identify with being a bottom.

How many times have you heard, “Yeah, he seems masculine but he is a big ole’ bottom” or heard gossip about some guy’s sexual fantasies or fetish. There is the misperception that somehow being a bottom is less than being a top, or means you are less masculine. In real life, some of the most masculine guys are unapologetically total bottoms. Similarly, some top guys tend to be on the more feminine end of the spectrum, and just happen to be more assertive in bed.

Remember, sex between a bottom and top is all about giving and getting, and does not necessarily mean the bottom is submissive. And, as we mature and gain more sexual experience and confidence in our sexual identities, it’s not uncommon for a preferred role to change. Today’s bottom may very well be tomorrow’s top! It’s therefore doubly important that we talk honestly with our partners as our sexual needs and fantasies can change from time to time.

So when you meet that guy you want to get to know more, consider your top 3 list. Where does the question of “Are you a top or bottom?” rank?

So you’ve had your first date with the guy you met through online dating.

How was that for you?

Your first gay date in person after getting to know someone briefly online is, in fact, quite a bit different than going on a date with someone that you’ve met another way. If you want to be successful at online dating then you have to be aware of the number 1 rule of online dating success.

What is the #1 rule? Treat the first date like … a first date.

Communicating with someone online — before you meet him in person — triggers a torrent of fantasies; hopes, ideas, and impressions about who he is and  whether you two will hit it off for the long term. Think of it something like this: when you see a guy’s picture and read through his profile how many times have you been surprised by the sound of his voice?  If you’re not a newbie to online dating, it’s probably happened to you several times.

So what’s with the surprise? It’s because you formed a set of expectations about what he was “supposed to” sound like from the get go. Now think of that happening in a complex way where you make all sorts of assumptions about him. Your imagination is putting a pretty powerful package together — let’s call him Mr. Imagined — and chances are that  you don’t even know that you’re doing it. No really.

That’s why when it comes to a first date with someone you met online you’ve got to do your best to approach it as though you’re simply meeting him for the very first time. Don’t compare him to what you thought he was going to be like, instead focus on what he’s actually like in person.

Of course, there will be instances when you know within 5 minutes or less that you’re completely and utterly not interested in anything further. Go with that gut feeling; there’s no need to try to override it. When that’s not the case, remember to not put the cart in front of the horse. Just allow yourself to get to know him without constantly referencing in your head what he’s supposed to be like based on his profile. This is an instance, unless he’s an out right liar on his profile, where you need to leave  Mr. Imagined at the door so he won’t get in the way of your finding Mr. Right.

Anyone who has been part of the gay dating scene has probably wondered at least once: “Should I get more serious about this one?”

We all tend to get caught up in strong, drug-like emotions at the beginning of a relationship — even on the first date — and need a realistic way to look at our expectations.

So let’s say …

You have been seeing a guy for a while and you think it might be time to move toward a more serious relationship. That’s great! Since it’s not easy to find a man with whom you click for more than a few weeks, he is worth some extra attention. Right?

What Do You Expect?

The Mythical Man

This would be the fantasy that most of us have (face it …) of finding a guy who is going to meet every one of our needs. In reality, no one guy is truly able to be everything. Accepting that fact is key to achieving a healthy and lasting relationship. Otherwise it is all too easy to end a good relationship in the hopes that the next one will be that mythical man.

Good Enough vs. Settling

Though it sounds much less romantic, get clear about the difference between “Good Enough” and “Settling.” If the guy you’re dating meets enough of your needs, measures up to enough of your partner criteria, and matches enough of your values and beliefs, he IS good enough. Though it doesn’t sound terribly exciting or sexy, at the end of the day it really is a good thing.

On the flip side, it’s important to recognize that most guys won’t fit into your Good Enough category. They may have many good qualities, but simply fall short of what you’re looking for in a long-term partner. In which case, it would be Settling to continue in a dating relationship. To avoid the relationship disasters that frequently result from Settling, try to maintain Good Enough expectations.

Mr. “He’ll Do For Now” vs. “Mr. Right”

Another thing to get clear about in gay relationships is the difference between Mr. He’ll Do For Now and Mr. Right. This distinction gets at that powerful energetic pull that is felt when we’re almost positive that we’ve found that long-awaited great guy. When we’re in that moment, it’s intoxicatingly painless to miscalculate and end up with Mr. He’ll Do For Now … again.

So take another look … at your expectations. Mr. Good Enough Just Might Be Mr. Right.

No topic produces more excitement or varying views, than first date sex. For some gay men, sex on the first date is simply an extension of first date conversation and just another way to “get to know” the person by testing overall sexual compatibility. For others, first date sex is a “no-no” — the proverbial nail in the coffin for a budding gay romance.

One thing is for certain with all men though — gay men included: sex can be so intertwined with our identity that often we have trouble defining ourselves, and our relationships without it.

As if navigating the complexities of the first date were not enough, sex inevitably lurks in the back of our minds, pushing us to answer the “what if’s.“

A few gay dating tips to assist you in making the right choice and ease any “day after guilt”:

First dates are unique, and first impressions lead to lasting impressions. Unlike meeting a guy from a chat room or sex site where there is an understanding for sex, meeting for a first date carries with it the intent to get to know the person outside the bedroom. The preliminary e-mails, first phone contact and first meeting set the tone for future interactions.

Introducing sex on the first date may bring an unintended expectation for future relating. For some this may lead to more sex and for others first-date sex may lead to un-returned phone calls. Sex has the potential to complicate a new and yet-to-be developed relationship.

Spending time getting to know the other person, checking compatibility and developing mutual interest will help stabilize and grow a potential relationship. Focusing attention on the other person communicates an interest in the person for who and what he is, not how hung or great he is in bed. If you bring sex to the table — or bed — too early, you run the risk of communicating to him that sex is the only thing you want or expect.

Check your insecurity at the door

For many gay men, the first date is wrought with anxiety and expectation. As you get to know the person sitting across from you, you may begin to ask yourself questions like these:

“Does he like me?”

“Is he feeling as good about this as I am?” or

“Wow, this guy is hot. I wonder what he thinks about me?”

Feeling uneasy or uncertain about how the date is going opens a door for sex to walk through. If insecure feelings are leading the way, it increases the potential — whether consciously or unconsciously — to use sex as a way to find answers. If this is not the case, consider the impression you want to leave with him. Does he share this impression of you? If so, sex may or may not be an issue, especially in securing the second date.

“Would You Be Interested In Going On Another Date?”

If, towards the end of the first date you realize that you are interested in seeing him again and getting to know him more, say so! You both entered the date under similar pretenses: a date to see if you two are compatible as a gay couple and hopefully have fun along the way. If things seem good to you, then go ahead and ask,   “Would you be interested in going on another date?”

The worst thing that might happen is … “No.”

Believe it or not, you can handle it if he doesn’t want to go out again. Really.

Did anyone die?
Did the world end?
Will you be eternally single?

No, it just meant that the chemistry you experienced was not mutual. Disappointing — or embarrassing — as that may seem in the moment, in the long run his first impressions probably match your own better than you realize. Either way, you will be free to move on.

Another scenario.

If he agrees to a second date that is wonderful. You don’t need to feel pressured to set a date and time right then and there. You can contact him a couple days before you would like to see him again. If you do not hear back from him wait a couple days before you try again. Remember there is no need to overwhelm him, but also give the guy the benefit of the doubt if you do not hear back right away.

And what if the second date never happens?

If this is the case look at is a learning experience and try to reflect on what you liked about the guy, what made you compatible, and add this to your mental file of things you are looking for in your version of a really great date.

Sounds too easy to be true? Not this time.

This gay dating tip will have a powerful impact on how you think about dating in general, and how you approach your next big date.

Here it is. One Tip:

Decide how many dates you’d like to go on in the next 12 months.

That’s it. It’s nothing more difficult than that.

This decision and goal you set for yourself will almost always shift how you think about the process of dating. It takes the pressure off of your next big date as having to be “The One.”

It also allows you to be open to going on a date with someone who you might not have previously considered. And it can help shrug off those awful dates we’ve all been on, and instead focus you on getting ready for the next one.

Simple as it sounds, this one step will rejuvenate even the most weary gay date-rs.

We all have “deal breakers” concerning who we are willing to date — characteristics about a person’s habits, background, or moral code based upon which we would rule them out from consideration.

Typical deal breakers include:

• Religion – Religion might be so central to your identity that you want a partner who shares your beliefs.
• Drinking and Drug Use – People usually have very strong feelings about drinking and recreational drug use. If you think that recreational drug use is all in good fun, you should probably rule out a person who thinks you should go to jail for it!
• Exercise and Eating Habits – For some people, exercise and eating habits can be just as important as religion. A person who is a vegan for moral reasons might not be able to tolerate a meat-eater who is unwilling to “reform.”
• Family Plans – If having children is important to you, you had better make sure that your partner shares your views.

It is a good idea to examine what is on your list of deal breakers. Make sure that these issues really are part of your core before you start ruling out otherwise perfectly appealing men.

Hint #1: sometimes a long list of deal breakers could be a sign that you are not ready for a serious relationship. We all have our problems, and part of building intimacy involves getting comfortable with each others’ shortcomings.

Hint #2: the other guy is listening for his own deal breakers. If you’ve got a lot of baggage (and who doesn’t?), find out how NOT to sabotage your first date by sharing too much too soon.

If you’re ready to stop attracting Mr. Wrong and pushing away Mr. Right, you can.

No more finding the same wrong guy over and over or wondering why men you like don’t want to go out again. Instead, encourage the development of a healthy connection with the right guy by modifying a few things about your first date game plan.

Too much information!!

A mistake often made on the first date is disclosing too much information about yourself. There’s no need to tell your date your life story on the first date! Opening up too quickly can make you feel vulnerable leading you to disclose even more information, or drink too much, or do something similarly counterproductive (read, Stupid) to offset these feelings. Unintentionally you’ll scare off a potential partner or cause a relationship to crash and burn quickly.

Too much drama!!

Long lasting and healthy relationships are built on trust. True trust can’t be gained immediately, it is something that must be earned and built, and your first date may be laying the groundwork for the future. Never flood him with shocking revelations. Instead start slowly. Reveal small items, nothing personally overwhelming. Most importantly remember to space the disclosures out. Pay attention to how he responds.

“Did he really listen, respond appropriately, try to relate, or open up in a similar manner in return? If so, you are on your way to building trust and intimacy. If he ran away maybe it was too much! Don’t lose hope just chalk it up to learning and keep moving forward.”

Approaching a first date with these two concepts in mind can help prevent you from disclosing too much personal information or pressing him to share more than he wants to yet. Leaving your desire to spill your life story and the twenty questions at home will help in setting a tone that allows you to truly get to know what its like to spend time with your date. Learning more about each other every time you get together is part of the adventure.

If you are sitting across from Mr. Right on your first date then you will have plenty of time to discover one anothers’ deepest secrets. These secrets may be the things you love the most about your partner 10 years down the road, but would have sent you running on the first date!

First date excitement. Nothing really compares to it. From the electrifying Hollywood (or Times Square, or Brokeback Mountain) kiss to feeling that powerful click, first dates possess the power to change your week, your month, or maybe even your life.

And that’s where the trouble begins.

“I Want a Serious Relationship that Stands the Test of Time.”

Fair enough. But bringing that kind of thinking with you to the first date will make you a magnet for unrealistic expectations. It’s way too easy to attach larger-than-life expectations to what is “supposed to” happen when it comes to a first date. But if you hold onto these hoped-for outcomes too tightly — and the first date doesn’t live up to them — a fledgling relationship will not even get to first base.

To make sure YOU don’t go directly from first date to worst-date-ever …

Get Real About Your Expectations

Unrealistic Expectation 1: The first date is the beginning of the rest of our lives together.

Back the train up. While it is really intoxicating to think of the first date as the beginning of something spectacular, getting too attached to that thought before the date even begins can derail it from the get go.

Realistic Antidote 1

Be present in the date. No matter how tempting, don’t daydream about your next date, next month’s vacation together or where to have your destination style wedding or commitment ceremony.

Unrealistic Expectation 2: What you see is what you get.

If you met him online or through an app remember: guys are not replicas of their online profiles and pictures. When getting to know a guy online you likely form all sorts of impressions about him, and then begin to think of those impressions as facts, rather than hints. Often times those impressions are fueled by what you hope is true about him, rather than what is. If he doesn’t live up to the standards you created in your head, then you’ll likely find yourself disappointed. The real problem is that this particular unrealistic expectation can quickly ruin an opportunity to get to know the man in front of you.

Realistic Antidote 2

Repeat this mantra before your first date, “I know one version of this guy. I’m going to get to know another version of him on our first date.”

Unrealistic Expectation 3: I can’t believe that I’ve finally found Mr. Right!

Closely related to Expectation 2, when you’ve met someone online or through an app you may hope/believe that you’ve met Mr. Right. Only problem is you’ve not actually met him in person yet.

This expectation is borne out of a strong desire to find your Mr. Right, but you don’t have enough “data” about him to know if he’s Mr. Right – For – You — and vice versa.

Realistic Antidote 3

Figuring out whether you’ve met Mr. Right is something you’ll decide over the long term, so use the date to find out one or two things about him. That’s enough for date number one.

Unrealistic Expectation 4: A long first date is a good first date.

Wanting to spend a lot of time with a new guy who you really click with is perfectly natural and you should enjoy it when it happens.

However, planning for and scheduling anything longer than a quick 30-60 minute first date after a few rounds of emails can backfire. Seriously. It sets the bar way too high, and makes for having to fill up a lot of time given that you, he or both of you are probably experiencing first date jitters.

Realistic Antidote 4

Keep the first date short and sweet. Remember the primary goal of a first date is deciding whether you want a second date. That’s it.

Remember that tips for a happy relationship start with a successful first date: have fun and keep it real!

A little gay dating advice could help right about now, if you find yourself wondering “now what?!?!” … maybe even before your first date is over.

Does this chatterbox voice (in your head) sound familiar?

“Will he call? What’s the rule again? … Wait three days to call, no wait for them to call you, no it’s whoever asked for the date makes the next move, right? God I hope he calls me. If he doesn’t call me tomorrow should I call him? I wonder what advice my friends would give me?”

And before you know it your first date is over.

A Better Way To Do It

Each first date and each situation is different, so how you handle the time before the second date will vary as well. Here are a few things to keep in mind (and keep your sanity):

A successful first date will not feel like “game playing.” Rather, a successful first date will  reveal a level of spoken understanding of a future contact. Open and honest communication is really important whether you are looking for gay love, gay romance, or just more fun in your gay life.

Slow down and embrace “PACING.”

So does this mean you wait a few days, wait a week, wait for him to call you? What helps is to
be conscious of what you are experiencing on the date. Don’t get lost thinking about what is next, think about what IS…right now. If you are on a date that you are enjoying give verbal AND non-verbal cues affirming this, and try to tune into the cues he sends in return.

Be present. Have fun. Pay attention to him and tell the chatterbox to just SHUT. UP. This is your date.