The Mindful Dad

Curiosity

2018-02-14T09:27:00.003-07:00

I cannot help but want to try and remember even the most mundane parts of my life. Every day my wife takes the time to read to my kids, admittedly I do not read enough with them. Bo loves to read, he loves to read adventurous stories. As he begins to read, my teacher wife is there helping him along the way. It is fun to see how excited he gets when he knows a word and works through a word. It is fun to see my wife get excited for him as well. These two make my life better is so many ways.

While my wife does not love these candid shots, I love them. I love to see the genuine expression. Bo is so intrigued by the story and excited to see the next word he knows. For a couple years now all Bo wants to do when he grows up is be a scientist. His general curiosity is exhilarating and for me it allows me to be a kid and be on his level. He reminds me to keep that childlike curiosity and appreciate the little things in life a little more.

My 5 Steps to being a Better Dad

2014-07-07T09:49:00.001-06:00

I have two goals, live now and get better (be a better person). Daily I work on these things and over the past 4-5 years I feel like I am getting better and attaining my ongoing goals. As a parent of a 2 and 4 year old, I have similar goals but these are more my "be a better dad" goals. My better dad goals are to cultivate a strong relationship with my kids and make them feel loved. Those sound pretty simple, but I want those to go deeper so I have a developed a day to day guide. These are steps I have taken to make and attain my better dad goals.

Listen. We have all heard this before but really…. listen. I have no idea what my two year-old says half of the time but to them it is the most important thing in world. Bend over, get down on a knee, pick them up do whatever you have to do to be on their level and listen. Listen as if it is the last words that will come out of their mouth or as if it is the last sounds you will ever hear, I know that sounds a little morbid but this puts so much more meaning behind the word, LISTEN and you will not regret it.
Talk with them. Ask them how they feel about this or that. Ask them what they want to do today or now or later. Almost every day we sit at our dinner table and we talk, no tv, no phones, just good old fashioned chit chat. When I get home from work, I ask them about their day and while at first I got the standard one word answers, my persistent barrage of questioning has led to elaborate details about their day. Now when I get home I do not even have to ask. For ten minutes, they both elaborate about their day.
Use your manners. There are times when an emotion may get the best of me and certain words come flying out of mouth. Those are generally the times when my kids just happen to be around and they just happen to repeat after me. That led me to be more cognizant of my everyday reactions to the world, thus brings me back to my personal goal of live in the now.
Read to them. Our routine is a book, sometimes five, but every night we read. I read in my most enthusiastic and colorful voices because I want them to thing reading is fun. These are moments I want to be ours, there are no distractions and no one else but our little family. For those 10-15 minutes, we get lost in another world. When we come back to reality, we talk about the story and say our good night.
Tell them goodnight and I love you. No matter the day I had, no matter the negativity I encountered that day, that moment when I kiss my kids goodnight, is the moment I let all of the negativity go. There is nothing in the world at that single moment other than me and my child. It may be brief, nonetheless it is our moment. If by some chance I do not wake up in the morning, I will have loved so much that my heart will be full.

Bo's Big Arrival

2012-12-09T19:48:00.000-07:00

I know it is a few months late but better late than never. This is a story of the arrival of our son Bradley Sinclair Barker IV aka Bo. As many of you know Bo was about five days over cooked and while you may have heard a version of the story, here is my side.

May 4

On the night of May 4^th my sister was having a graduation party at my parents’ house. The party was well attended and ultimately ended with a plethora of laughs we will not forget. Just for the sake of a story I will share one before we move.

It was a warm spring night and everyone was having a good time. Carrie and I were off to the side chatting amongst friends, Sis was with us and while I forget what we were speaking about, Sis needed to show us something.

The screen door to my parents stayed open much of the night due to the traffic in and out. As Sis hurried inside, she was distracted by a friend and engaged in a side conversation. Not too long after, Sis concluded her conversation and remembered with glee what she previously ventured off to do. With excitement, she rushed off and up one stair to the house where she was met with a violent stop! As the now annihilated screen door fell to the ground, my sister was dazed with confusion. After the few seconds had passed, true to my sister’s character, laughed heartily. Yes, she was okay, the door however was never latched again.

After nine months of anticipation nearly a week past a “due date” my nerves were at a peak. My sister’s encounter with a screen door helped to ease my nerves and ultimately make for a hearty laugh. As the night wore on Carrie and I joked about having the baby tonight and more seriously made sure we had a game plan together for Averi just in case it happened in the middle of the night.

Carrie’s doctor was located in Fort Collins where we lived for the past three years. We were adamant about having the baby there, due to the experience we had there with Averi just a couple years prior. A main concern of ours was making sure we were able to make it the 45 minutes it takes to get from Cheyenne to Fort Collins.

During one of our visits we voiced our concern about making it to the hospital on time and having the baby on the side of the road. She said convincingly, “1 in 500 chance of something like that happening. TV makes that seems like it happens a lot.” She also reminded us that it took Averi about 12 hours to arrive and two hours of active labor. Our minds were immediately put to ease but it was still fun to joke about the thought.

What we forgot was, this pregnancy had been nothing easy and there was not one thing that seemed certain. From the start, we knew this pregnancy was going to be a far cry from Averi. Carrie’s pregnancy with Averi was a breeze, I often times forgot she was pregnant. Bo on the other hand made us dread going to the doctor nearly every time, because every time it seemed as though there was some sort of cause for concern.

As my sister’s graduation party came to an end, we said our goodbyes and drove back to our apartment which was about a half mile away. On our drive home I asked Carrie jokingly if she was going to have a baby right now, she replied with a forceful “I wish.”

It seems like everyone has their own advice on how to make the baby come out sooner. While many of them seem foolish, there were a few worth giving a go. From bouncing on an exercise ball to eating spicy food, none of them seemed to work. We had given up, we set up an induction date and got our minds prepared for that.

After we arrived at our apartment, put Averi to sleep and we both slowly dozed off, Carrie woke up.

May 5

4:50am

“Brad….Brad…… Brad,” Carrie whispered.

“What?” I replied back, still half asleep.

Carrie stayed very calm, “I think I am having contractions…”

Just a week before, we thought it may be time. We made the drive down to Fort Collins and slowly the feeling went away and was later confirmed by our doctor.

I nonchalantly replied, “How far apart are you?”

“About 8 minutes.”

“What! How long have they been going on for?”

“They just started about 4:30”

I was keeping my cool because Carrie seemed to be okay. I called my mom and she was soon on her way.

After I called my mom, I began to get things ready to go. I listened in on Carrie as she was going through her contractions, everything sounded normal. “WHAT the HELL!” I said to myself. “Carrie your contractions are only about FIVE MINUTES APART! LET’S GO” She said, “I know, I have to go the bathroom real quick.”

5:05am

PLOP!!!

My first thought was, “Did she just have the baby in the toilet!” My second thought was damn, eww!

“Carrie….” I asked hesitantly. “What the hell was that!?!”

“My water broke.” She replied casually.

5:10am

My mom showed up and the look on my face said it all. My mom, as non-panicky as she could, said “hurry up and leave.”

Carrie grabbed a blanket, I grabbed our overnight bag and we headed to the car. As soon as she sits down, another contraction ensues.

5:20

We are approximately at the state line. Carrie and I are having second thoughts about the long drive ahead. With her contractions right at about five minutes apart the thought seemed very right, however between the thoughts and discussion and mix in another contraction, we were at the halfway point. We proceeded.

Carrie was doing great, breathing through her pain and keeping her cool. With every contraction my right foot seemed to get heavier. The first half of the drive went as smooth as it could go.

5:30 The Second Half

As you could imagine there are not many people on the road at 5:30am. This is key when driving a contraction having woman.

Carrie’s breathing soon became more intense and her contractions became more painful. She rolled her window down to get some air. I looked down at my speedometer and realized my foot was more nervous than I thought and I was going as fast as I have gone in a vehicle.

5:35

Carrie’s breathing soon evolved into, well the only way I can truly describe it as is, “an elongated teeth clinching, like your pushing a truck out of mud, while someone is stabbing you in your quad……grunt.” With her shoulders pressed into the seat, her feet pressed against the floorboard and knees straight she let the aforementioned sound loose. My foot got heavier. I didn’t dare say a word.

5:40

Carrie’s body was half way out of the car at this point as she screamed to the mountains as I drove. She mentioned during all this that I may have to pullover.

Months earlier I facetiously noted I should bring some plastic bags to put over the seats, this thought was the first thing that popped into my head. My second thought was man I hope there aren’t any news crews strolling by if I do have to deliver this kid on the side of the road.

5:45

We were driving at an incredible pace. (Warning ensuing tangent ahead)Many of you that know me, I rarely speed, even if I have to. I can’t imagine getting pulled over, paying a fine and potentially have to pay more in insurance just because I was going to be late or because I wanted to get somewhere faster.

With that said, for most of the drive the last thing I wanted to do is get pulled over and have the baby on the side of the road. My other thought was damn, I am just going to have to keep going and they will have to arrest me at the hospital and I will have to meet my little guy next week.

While these thoughts roll through my head, right before the exit, a sheriff was driving north as we rumbled south. Carrie’s upper half was still screaming outside the window, she wasn’t exactly inconspicuous.

The sheriff stayed on his path and as we exited another officer soon followed. With Carrie’s body outside of the window, it is hard to imagine those sheriffs didn't see her but if they did I could imagine their thoughts may have been something like, “yikes, I will leave that for the next guy,” or “she is having a baby, it is too early for that madness.”

I sped along Prospect, running one red light. There are two train tracks with decent dips, I thought for sure Carrie would be having a baby soon after these bumps.

5:50

We were on the home stretch and only about a mile from the hospital. Carrie was ready and more importantly, Bo was ready. Before we left, Carrie had called our doctor letting them know of our anticipated arrival.

I sped up to the emergency room and jumped out of the car. As I ran around the car to open Carrie’s door, a security guard nonchalantly wheeled a wheel chair towards the car. I am not sure his pace could have been any slower. Carrie got out of the car.

She hunched over as another contraction took over her body and with breathless previous mentioned grunt screamed, “HE’S COMING OUT!!!!”

During the contraction two nurses sprinted out the ER doors, Carrie straight-legged plopped down in the wheel chair. “I CAN FEEL HIS HEAD COMING OUT!”

The nurses rushed Carrie inside. I stood out by the car, the security guard and I exchanged a look of, “What the F#$% just happened?”

I knew Carrie was in good hands and from experience I knew this part may take a while, so I casually got into the car and went to find a parking space. I didn’t want to come out to park the car again later, therefore I parked in the main parking lot, a little ways down to limit the chance of door dings.

5:55

On my way back in I walked briskly towards the ER entrance. During my walk in I sent texts out to update our family. As I entered through the automatic door at the ER, I was greeted by a staff member and they questioned me about Carrie, insurance and that good stuff.

In the background, I heard some hearty screams going on.

I heard Carrie’s scream echo down the hall as one of the nurses escorted me to Carrie’s whereabouts. I said to the nurse, “that’s my wife, I think I can find my way.” That was the last scream I heard. I looked to my left and through a slightly opened curtain, I saw a glimpse of panicky nurses rushing around. Another employee grabbed me before I entered, I was growing impatient with these questions as my wife lie in pain and my new son begins to make his way into the world.

6:00

I entered the room where Carrie lies motionless. In the room there were about 6-9 nurses and doctors. Carrie was in the middle of the room and there she lay with complete exhaustion. Her eyes were closed, her head lay still looking to the right.

“What just happened?” I murmured to myself. A nurse walked by, “Congratulations Dad!” “Thanks???” I said.

I immediately tend to Carrie’s side, she opens her eyes and smiles briefly before shutting down again. I look up and across the room was a small bed of some sort with, what I assume to be a heating lamp. Under that lamp was a toddler.

“How is she doing?” I asked.

“She is fine and did great. The birth was fast so his head is a little bruised but he is a cutie! What’s his name?” a nurse asked me.

“Who?” I questioned half-jokingly.

With a giant smile, “Your new little boy” and gestured with her head towards the toddler.

I laughed. “Damn that kid is huge! Of course that is my kid.”

Bo rushed into the world. He was 9.2 pounds and 21 inches long.

Not too much later, we all made our way up to the maternity ward. I walked along side Carrie while trying to get a glimpse of my new little guy. His forehead was a bluish color because of the quick delivery. In his little hat and blanket wrapped body, he slept.

As we walked I text everyone again and let them know the good news. When we got to the elevator, I kissed Carrie on her head and with enormous admiration, I said “Good job, kid. I love you.”

Recomposed

2011-08-29T09:29:00.006-06:00

Over these past 5 years, I have learned a lot about the world, people and most importantly myself. I feel like I have grown enormously over these years and as time goes on I know it will only grow more and become an even better person.

My world has become significantly simplified and Carrie, while at first hesitant, embraced my new found ways and eventually jumped on with me. Carrie has been so supportive since her and I met. As some know, I try to make my life simple and by doing so I have made my world all the more comfortable, however this came with a price. I found something to help about five years ago and while guilt plagued my first few years, I am now at peace with my

decisions. (sounds all zennish, weird)

For the past few years, I would fight with myself constantly and force myself into beliefs and therefore pushing my guilt further and further through the roof. I would lie to people, just because I knew that is what they wanted to hear, I began to have an internal war day in and day out.

I grew up a certain way, my family, particularly my mom always had a strong belief and was often vocal. My dad on the other hand has always been fairly open minded, nonetheless was always strong in faith. We rarely talked of faith, I think for the most part it was just expected, likewise it was ingrained in me as well, in my mind there is no other way.

(Personally, I think faith is great, our plan for Averi is to have her baptized, but as you can imagine, let her feel and think the way she wants. I definitely am not that guy to push a feeling on someone.)

After years of detriment these past two years have been so much better. I realized how much I was holding onto, both physically and mentally. I found myself cluttering my mind and life with stuff because I just didn't want to let go. I had stuff from high school and earlier, sitting in storage around the house and in my mind, needless to say I was cluttering my life. I now have a small, four inch by four inch tin box that houses everything. It was a lot easier than most would think and in all honesty I feel better.

With that said, this was one thing Carrie fought the most, while I never forced her to let anything go, there were several advertent remarks. Times I knew new I could make the most progress was when her mom would give her stuff boxes of things from her childhood, Carrie would gasp ask the rhetorical question, "who keeps that?". Eventually Carrie and I went through every piece of, well stuff, she had and narrowed it all down to a small box.

During the somewhat painful process of elimination, I got to learn a lot about Carrie and I think Carrie had fun with it eventually. She got to tell me more about her life than I ever really knew. I think if it were her doing it by herself, there would have been a lot more boxes kept. :) Carrie and I have both continued to rid our lives of the stuff that is replaceable.

The next step for me was and still is to keep my mind clutter free as well. Through writing and daily brain dumps as I will refer to them as, I have helped myself and likely those around me from my inner mayhem. Instead of ridding my self of certain feelings, I embrace them. Instead of always trying to make myself happy, I let it be. Sometimes, I feel shitty, sometimes I feel angry and sometimes I feel happy, while I like to be happy, what is so wrong with being pissed or sad?

I often would loathe in self pity or feel completely guilty for being angry at someone. I found out, that is just how it is. Three years ago I would forget that, with every blink, with every step, life is moving on and all of my feelings would soon wane too. Today, sometimes I am just pissed, sometimes for the moment sad and the moment I began to embrace, I began to understand

those emotions a bit more.

Anger, guilt, sadness, happiness or whatever it may be will nonetheless dissipate so while in

those states of emotion, I bask in them, if Think about them, think about why because within

minutes it probably will not be there for long. Needless to say, while it may be hard for some to understand this, it has made perfect sense to me.

There is one thing I have notice during my de-cluttering lifestyle, it is a constant practice, taking

days off require many catch up sessions. In many ways I like that part. I like that this is a daily part of my life. Before, I would only use things at certain times, or when I needed it or wondered why it wasn't there when I needed it, which led me to guilt.

As I write this, I look across the street and see what has made so much of me, me. I appreciate it, but for the first time I am looking back at it and not feeling any guilt.

Too Fast!!!

2011-08-01T20:37:00.005-06:00

The year is moving by super fast, it seems like just yesterday we were celebrating Christmas. It's August 1st, baseball season is over, Nick graduated high school, Sis got her associates degree, Carrie got a job in Cheyenne and Averi is growing by the second.

My baseball team, Cheyenne Post 6 Hawks won the Wyoming Legion B state title for the 6th consecutive year, won a junior regional championship and took 3rd place the Northern Colorado Baseball League Varsity division.

This year was much different than years past when in comes to the state championship, it was sweeter. For the past couple of years, team around the state have not had great teams, at the same time, my teams for the past few years have been very tough. This year my team was tough but there were also some other teams in the state to really challenge us. From that aspect, I found my nerves tested like they used to and on certain plays my fists were pumping like a kid again. I needed that.

I also got to stay home and watch Nick win the Wyoming state "AA" title for the third straight year and this was the 10th of 11th for Cheyenne Post 6 Baseball. Nick and I have been through a lot through out the years and I was glad I got to stay and be able to watch and share this memory with my little brother.

Overall it was a big year for my brothers and sister. Nick graduated from high school and looks to move on to the University of Wyoming. Sis finished up her associates degree from Laramie County Community College

and while she is unsure where she wants to finish her undergrad work, I am confident she will make the best decision for her. Dave is well on his way to finishing his undergrad work at UW and should only have a couple years left.

On the extended family end, my cousin Candice moved right next door to Carrie and I for the past 6 months and while her and I have always been close, Carrie and Candice also formed a special friendship. Candice got offered an awesome opportunity to move to New York for her job and while she has moved, we do have plans to visit.

With that said we also had to the chance to see our Uncles and Aunts from Guam/California. It has been years since we were all together and while this may be the last time, we will meet the experience was nothing short of memorable.

Last but not least Carrie accepted a job teaching 1st grade in Cheyenne. While Carrie has undoubtedly established herself as an excellent teacher, we do owe a debt of gratitude to our friends who helped make this happen. Therefore we do plan to make the move back to Cheyenne, with slight reluctance I might add, as we have fell in love with Fort Collins. Although we will miss it, it is only logical to make the move back.

While Carrie and I make the move back, Averi is taking it all in stride. Everyday is definitely a new adventure with her as she develops her own little personality. Our newest venture is potty training and while it only has been a couple of days, she is well on her way. We also found a daycare we feel comfortable with in Cheyenne and when we visited Averi did not want to leave.

Last but not least I got to visit my best friend whom I've known since kindergarten. I got a chance to go to Seattle for a conference for work and Brian and his wife Gracie came to visit as they live in Spokane. Brian and Gracie are expecting their first child this October, needless to say I am extremely excited!

All in all that is the last 6 months in a nutshell.

Mindful

2010-12-03T23:20:00.002-07:00

This year has been a year to remember and I wanted to make sure of that. I wanted to take the time to "smell the roses" if you will. I made some life changing moves, from religion to my overall approach to life. I think for the first time in my life I am embracing "my life".

There are so many days I have taken for granted and with that I let life slip through my fingers. There have been too many times where I wanted to hurry through the day, week, season or whatever it may be. I am 28 years old now and looking back, I realize I have missed too much.

For years I try to satisfy my life with selfishness and through that I realize no satisfaction was ever enough. I had the chance to really learn from people this year and open my mind into another state. Moreover, having a daughter now forces me to look into a new direction all the while living in the now.

I remember laying in the grass as a child imagining the clouds in sky were not just clouds or the card board boxes used for our fortress was hand laid brick. Then when my daughter picks up a blank piece of paper and tears it into pieces and laughs hysterically, i think a little differently.

A cliche you hear a lot when you have a kid is, "you get to see the world again from a new perspective", this cliche is nothing short of the truth. For the first couple of months I took the popular phrase for granted and would dismiss it. Then, call it what you want, I had an epiphany. I realized it is 2010, I am married, I have a baby, a career and a life of my own. I think I forget that. I forget all the things around me for no good reason.

Therefore this year I have taken the time to see it all. For the first time I am mindful of all the things I have taken for granted. Whether it be my emotions, tangible or intangibles, people, places and so on, I am so much more mindful.

Remember Now

2010-11-28T18:13:00.004-07:00

This November has gone by unbelievably fast. This time of year is my favorite and every year it seems to go by too fast! I have made the conscious this year more memorable. For the past year, I have turned a new leaf. I want to make a point to be mindful and no matter the emotion I come across, I will embrace.

While this is a time for giving thanks and being grateful, I am. I have more than I could ever ask for, a family, friends, a job and so much more.

I have read a lot more this year and learned to embrace whatever comes my way, good or bad, happy and sad.

I want to remember what I have now.

Beautiful

2010-09-21T07:23:00.001-06:00

Beautiful
Originally uploaded by Sinbrad3

The Little Squeak

2010-09-21T07:20:00.002-06:00

Spring in Your Step

2010-03-16T14:21:00.012-06:00

Well Spring is just around the corner and life is not too shabby. Work is good for both Carrie and me, Averi is growing out of clothes like no one's business and we are all pretty excited for Grandparents in May. For Carrie and Averi this will be the first time they meet my Grandpa and Grandma Barker. Likewise soon after our Grandmom Sherrell will also be visiting from North Carolina and Averi has yet to meet her. May cannot come soon enough, between family, baseball and a growing little pipsqueak it will prove to be a great month of activities and special time with family.

There will be a lot going on this summer but first and foremost its about Duke right now. Baby Girl already is a big Duke fan and often sits and watches with me during the games. She also cries when she sees something she does not like, a bad pass she gets really upset(Ha). She does not know it yet but she will also be a big Yankee fan (She already has her jersey ready, thanks to Nicole) and of course a Rockies fan with the Helton jersey pressed and ready to go.

I cannot wait for her to attend her first baseball game! We attended the University of Wyoming men's basketball game back in February and she was so mesmerized by the whole thing, it was really neat to see. She loves to see all of the people, colors and all of the other fun stuff. Uncle Dave and my friend, Melonie, also met us at the game and the whole time the look on her face was priceless.

Averi loves to see new faces. Her first reaction is a stare down, then depending on your first move, you get a great big gummy smile or a shy away dish into mom or dad's shoulder. Aside from meeting new people she loves to be held, right now it does not matter who you are as long as you smile and give her a great big smile, the little cutie takes to you real quick. With all of the family we have, she has to be pretty versatile and not so picky about who she goes to.

Early this month she got to spend the day with the Salas'. Uncle Mike, Aunt Les, cousin Taylor and Shelby were all there to lend a hand. It had been a couple weeks since we had seen them and Averi was hesitant to start, yet warmed up quickly and ultimately had a great day!

Averi has had a pretty diverse babysitter club, between Carrie's family, Kristen the babysitter and all of my family, she will have a lot of people to thank when she gets older. Averi usually comes up to Cheyenne once or twice a week and gets to stay with her Grandaddy and Uncle Big Al in the morning, then G-Ma comes home, then comes Sis and then Uncle Needles which all leads to a spoiled little cutie pie. And she loves it.

When we are all finished at G-Ma's and Grandads, we usually make a trip to see Nana and Grandpa. Every time we go over there, I bring Averi up in her car seat and set her in the kitchen. Usually Grandpa is sitting watching TV with a cup of coffee and greets us with a "Hey Man! and Hey little girl!". While my Grandpa greets my Nana says "hello?" and "Did you bring the baby?", I laugh and reply with the affirmative and she quickly comes to the kitchen. She gets down on both knees like a little kid and sits back on her heels and proceeds to just stare and kiss Baby Girl. After a minute she pulls her out and my Grandpa and Nana ask how she is doing.

The little personality is starting to shine through. Let's just say she is definitely a little girl but a Daddy's girl. It is unfortunate to say but man she has me wrapped! Sometimes when I am tired, grumpy and just not happy, a simple smile can bring me back to life the way it should be spent.

With that said sometimes I do not know how Carrie does it. She has an incredible amount of patience, however she has put up with me all these years so I guess she is accustomed to it. However, some of those late nights, those nights when baby girl wakes up every ten minutes, Carrie is quick to her side and with no complaints. She is great. I on the other hand am not so patient and to my rescue comes my Carrie. She definitely has the touch when it comes to sleep whereas I am the antithesis to sleep for Averi, I am her cup of coffee as soon as she sees me. I think that is why Carrie tries to get her before I do, mostly because as soon as the little pipsqueak lays eyes on me apparently it is time to play!

All in all summer is going to be great. I look forward to all the friends and family and not to mention the big family barbeques!

Hmmm...

2010-02-23T12:03:00.000-07:00

I am not sure if she very fond of the whole helmet thing yet...

Bigging

2010-01-19T13:28:00.003-07:00

Carrie told me of a story when she was very young about her not wanted to grow up. She exclaimed to those who listened that she disliked "bigging". I was recently sent an email that was forwarded. Inside the email was script from, I think George Carlin. Inside the script it talks about the aging process. It speaks of when we are young we want to grow up so fast and when we are old we wished we were young. Carrie sat on the couch yesterday and said "Do you remember when she was so little...?" We laughed at how we are already saying "remember when."

Soon Averi will be four months old. The little tyke is growing quickly, gaining a personality and becoming a little person. We are finding out so much about her. She doesn't like the car, she likes to eat her feet, she loves to chit chat, she does not like being alone, she sleeps with her hands above her head, gets scared when Uncle Dave gives her the slightest "Boo!", loves the sound of running water, pukes on command, drools like a faucet, just to describe her a little. She will laugh with the best of them and cry just as hard. With all that said she will make your day with a simple smile and she can make you laugh with a little chatter even at two in the morning.

It really is amazing to see the evolution of life. Just a year ago Carrie and I were hanging out planning for the weekend and now we plan for the night. Can't help but think about how this all started.

Just yesterday Carrie and I were flirting in the dorms at NJC. Just a few hours ago we got married and a few seconds ago we have Averi.

Guess we gotta big no matter what. I guess all we can do is live in the now and cherish this time whether the time be bad or good. Before I go to sleep at night, I go into Averi's room and stand there and gaze at my little girl. I go into my bedroom and lie beside my wife. I realize that man it would suck to die today but if I can die with those images in my head, it will be okay.

Learning Photography

2010-01-10T21:17:00.002-07:00

I got this camera just a couple months ago and am beginning to love this new hobby! What do you think?

Some Christmas shots.

The Little Things

2010-01-04T10:49:00.011-07:00

They say that life changes when you have a child, well I have to say it is very true. Not only because of the obvious but for other intangibles. The overall view of things become so much more meaningful. It's amazing some of those "chick flicks" I used to make fun of, take new meanings. My overall view has been altered some for good and some for bad. I expected my life to change, just not in this way.

"I Love You"

Before Averi was born I often took for granted my time with Carrie. I knew she would be there when I got back and didn't much think of her when I left for something or other. With that said I would often repeat the normal to her and depart. I don't often say "I Love you", simply because I don't believe the phrase should be thrown around. I believe when I say "I love you" it should last and it should be remembered. Carrie before she leaves always says she loves me. I often let that set, even if I am half asleep, I remember it. She may not know that but when someone says I love you, I take it in, call it what you will, I know it is kind of weird.

I don't say "I love you" to my family enough. I cannot remember the last time I told any one in my family "I love you." I despise the fact I cannot say it without hesitancy.

Having Averi makes me realize that even more. I make a point of it to tell her I love her when it is just her and me. I whisper the phrase softly in her ear every day at least once a day, hoping she will understand. This may sound funny but every time I tell her I love her, an overwhelming feeling comes over me, it's indescribable.

I think for me I have always associated the phrase with "Goodbye", anyone who knows me knows I hate goodbye. My phrases consist of, farewell, so long or see you later. I have memories of people saying "I love you" to me or someone else and all of them seem sad.

I remember my Grandpa going into heart surgery, this is the first time I saw fear radiate through my him. He was laying in the hospital bed and while I was the last one aside from my Nana to leave the room, my Nana leaned over the rail, kissed him and whispered "I love you, you are going to be okay, I love you". I saw true love with that moment along with a slew of other emotions.

Along the same line my other grandpa was in bad shape and my dad, brother and I flew to see him. I have seen my dad cry two other times prior to this and to see him wear his heart on his sleeve was an emotionally impactful experience. I am an emotional person much more than my brother Dave and my dad. When my dad, with tears in his eyes, said "I love you Dad" I looked to my brother and saw him shed a tear. The two people in my life that hold their emotions in more than anyone I know expressed their emotion, and to this day has a profound effect on me.

Last but certainly not least, my mom is where I get my emotional make-up. She often wears her heart on her sleeve. I fully have succumb to the fact that I am a momma's boy. The day I left for college, she hugged me tight and with tears rolling down her face she said "I love you son." I will never forget that moment.

Home Sweet Home

I am now 27 years-old. I have a wife and child. My home sweet home is now with them. There is nothing like the feeling of being away on a long trip, coming back home, sitting on your own couch and being around your family. When I first started my job I was still living at home and it was refreshing to come back and hang out with my parents, brothers and sister and still is might I add. When I moved in with Carrie it was the same feeling.

Now that Averi is here, that feeling has changed. When I get home and see that little girl looking up at me and when my first words to her are met with a smile, life's challenges become so minuscule. It seems like every time I see here after being away for some time, even just from night to morning, it is like I have been away for years. It is an amazing feeling.

Mindfulness

For much of this past Christmas break, Averi would wake up around four and then around seven. At the seven o'clock wake up we would bring Averi into our bed and we would all just lay and fall back asleep. When we would wake up again, just playing, talking, no TV, no phone, no distractions whatsoever, just Carrie, Averi and me. I am very mindful of those moments and am trying to practice mindfulness more routinely. I want to look back at those times with a vivid memory and be able to recall the detail.

I want to remember all of this as I age. I want to look back, see my brother kiss Averi on her forehead, see my mom hug Carrie, play catch with my dad, see my sister with a new purse and on and on and on. Those little details make me happy and I hope one day I can express these memories with great detail to those that wish to listen.

Christmas 2009

2009-12-31T12:03:00.000-07:00

First picture all together. What a special christmas. One I will never forget.

My Daddy and Me

2009-12-21T12:15:00.002-07:00

This is Averi the first time I got to hold her in the hospital.

Waking Up to You

2009-11-29T23:48:00.000-07:00

Seven Weeks of Life

2009-11-16T12:56:00.013-07:00

Life is Good

Just about seven weeks after Averi was born she is growing and gathering her own little personality. Day by day our little pipsqueek continues to amaze us. As most of you know she battled through a bout of swine flu at about 3 weeks old. She is beginning to hold her head up by herself and can still let out a mighty little roar.

At seven weeks Carrie and I assume she is about 10 lbs. Her hair is beginning to lighten up and continue to grow. She is also beginning to koo and ahh. Especially around three in the morning, she likes to lay in her bassinet and chit chat with herself.

With that said she is not so much a morning person. She enjoys sleeping with her mom from 8am to noon or later in some cases. From about noon to 3 or 4 she likes to hang out and look around. We haven't figured out exactly what she is looking at but there is something on the wall that is super intriguing;) From about 4 to 6 she gets cranky!
All that said Carrie is headed back to school this upcoming week and bummed she has to leave baby girl. Carrie has been incredible to say the least, from being a wonderful mom to a wonderful wife I could not ask for much more.

As December approaches I look forward to my time with my baby girl. I get to spend three weeks with her and man is all hell going to break loose at the Barker household. It is a good thing she is not able to walk yet because Carrie would then have to take care of two children.
Family

One of the things most people notice with my family is the closeness and tight knit of even our extended family. We often have parties on the weekends, often times with nothing to celebrate, just to be together.

We got together with my whole family last weekend and it reminded me of how great it is to have a large family and one that is close.

I became mindful of my cousins and how I do not consider them cousins, more so as brothers and sisters. I became mindful of my aunts and uncles and how they are more fathers and mothers. Lastly I became mindful of my Grandpa and Nana and how lucky I am to still have them around. Likewise how fortunate I am to have Averi and Carrie share this with me.

"Baby Girl"

2009-10-05T13:37:00.002-06:00

Well Worth the Wait

2009-09-28T12:45:00.010-06:00

Is it Time?

I got a call today from Carrie while I was at work. She expressed calmly that I should come home "just in case". I asked her how she was feeling and said I am on the way. I shut down my computer and cleaned my area and left. On the way home I called my Mom and simply wanted to run by the symptoms Carrie was having, all the while my agenda was to see if I should panic, hurry or whatever. My Mom answered with, "is this it?!?!", I quickly replied with my question. I told her Carrie was having cramps that were inconsistent, my mom recounted her four pregnancies and said this was going to be it. With a great excitement in her voice she began to speak at an incredible rate, "I am coming, I gotta call so an so, are you sure,?!?"

I attempted to calm my Mom and she slowed slightly only at the suggestion that I call her as soon as I get home. A I continued to drive home, the 30 or so minute commute flew by. Thoughts ran rampant through my head and before I knew it I was home. I walked in the door and solemnly asked Carrie how she is feeling, she said "Good, off and on and inconsistent cramping" while trying to hold my excitement in, I inquired more and joked with her as I normally do.

We were scheduled to be induce the upcoming Friday and fully expecting nothing less. I jokes with her saying, "This is a juke this baby girl is putting on us."

Hee Hee Hee Hoooooo

As we sat in our living room, Carrie said hold on, she closed her eyes and began a deliberate set of breathing. I recalled the Cosby Show when Cliffs son in law, Elvin started breathing in rhythm with his wife and panic. Reality soon set in.

We called the doctor and made a visit to do a "labor check." The doctor checked Carrie and told us this child is on the way, however she is not quite ready yet and to go walk around for a few hours. At this point in time it was 2pm. We left the doctor and ran home and made sure we were ready. Carrie's contractions began to strengthen and intensify. She was no longer willing to wait to go in at this point.

At 445pm we called the doctor again and asked to come in, the doctor checked and said it is time to head to the hospital.

Waiting Game

We checked into the hospital, made it to our room and Carrie continued her contractions. I recalled the classed we went to for preparation for the birth. Carrie was a champ. She focused on her breathing which helped keep her mind off the pain or at least cope with the extreme pain she was in every so many minutes. The contractions were sporadic and not spaced consistent.

After 3 hours of deliberate breathing Carrie gave in to the extreme pain. By 8pm Carrie had about all shecould endure, she requested an epidural. The anesthesiologist came in, administered the meds and they kicked in within five minutes. Carrie was relieved to say the least.

Our nurse and doctor asked us to rest for a few hours and then she will come back in about four hours to re-check Carrie. At midnight the nurse checked Carrie again and the doctor would soon follow and asked us to wait about 2-3 more hours. As I laid on the makeshift convertible recliner bed, I would close my eyes only to see my mind going wild.

Go Time Baby

It was 4am and the nurse began to brief Carrie on the upcoming push fest. She gave me the low-down on what I will be doing during that time. My objective was to help hold Carrie's leg while she leaned forward to push.

The time came and Carrie began the 2 1/2 hour pain marathon. With each push progress was made. Averi began to drop further and further. The nurse asked if I wanted to see Averi's head. I was reluctant at first but soon gave in. I was in awww. She had so much hair from what I got to see and I had no idea it was all this real.

7.1 Pounds Lighter

At 633am baby Averi Elizabeth Barker made her way into the world. My initial thoughts were shock, relief, shock, disbelief, and to say the least more shock. I could not say a word, the doctor asked if I wanted to cut the cord, I replied with a head nod and proceeded. For the next 10 minutes Carrie and I said nothing and stared at Averi as she cried. The nurses cleaned her off, I kissed Carrie on her forehead, kissed my baby girl and for the first time in 15 minutes I uttered my first words, "I love you. She is beautiful. Good work Carrie."

I gazed in complete incredulity at this little tiny child that lay on my wife's chest. Carrie had the same look as I did. She looked at me then fixed her eyes on this little human we created.

Averi Elizabeth Barker
Born 6:33am, September 29, 2009
7.1 pounds
19.75 inches

Anticipating Christmas

2009-09-21T10:49:00.010-06:00

Although due dates are just tentative dates in which is nothing more than a guideline, I cannot help but be a little disappointed my little girl has not arrived. While sitting at home I was reluctant to travel to Cheyenne for a family BBQ because I really wanted this to be the day, needless to say it was not. I had a feeling all day, however that was probably fabricated by my selfish thoughts.

Today is the official due date and the whole night I slept uneasy as I awaited Carrie to wake me and say "Let's go." For the past few nights, sleep has been at a premium, as nerves and anticipation overwhelm me.

When I am away from Carrie I constantly check my phone, even more so than my normal "Crackberry" habits. I walk with my phone in hand and check it with each step it seems.

I knew a month ago, this would happen. I knew I tell myself every year as Christmas approaches to slow down and savor the time. Three days before Christmas I want time to come to a complete halt, I do everything to help enable that and all of the sudden I am back at work, looking back at the previous year.

I know when this baby finally does arrive, the time will fly. I think about life in general and see that happen. It seems like just yesterday I was hitting my dad in the knee with a batted baseball, running from my Nana, sneaking my mom's brownies with my friend Brian, posing on the front lawn with my brothers and sister, going over to my aunt's and uncle's houses to play and on and on.

I imagine the same applies for this kid, who is choosing to maintain the status quo and further prolong my anticipation. I guess I can't blame her.

Little Stressed/ Update

2009-09-09T10:26:00.006-06:00

Two weeks out and my mind is running wild. I cannot help but feel overwhelmed, all the while trying to keep it together. Time has slowed a great deal, like a kid anticipating Christmas morning. I can't help but be extremely nervous for this new adventure in my life. Many times I end up speechless when thinking to myself on how life will be with this new addition.

I often venture to place myself in others shoes and see how they are doing and what they are doing with their new person. I wonder how they do it and then think back to my upbringing. I realize the means to which I had and realize there were times I wanted more. On the other hand I look back and realize I had way more than I ever needed. As a child I think we wall want more and not until we mature we realize, we would not have it any other way.

I had parents that were always there, together, no matter what. I had three brothers and a sister, although younger, always kept and keep me grounded and love me now matter what. I also had a great advantage of having an extended family close by. With 20 other family members close by, I can say they are some of my best friends and are not considered extended family but family. As we all grow and find our own niche, we all still remain close, we still get together every couple weekends and BBQ island stlye even in the winter. What's more is we have family on the other side of the country and even to them we remain close. Although our get-togethers may not be quite as frequent, we still remain tight knit.

Furthermore, Carrie and I have been blessed with great friends also. Anyone that knows me, know I am person of loyalty and would rather have few close and loyal friends than many friends.

Through these thoughts I breathe a little easier and worry less. That said, I will still worry and be anxious but I know this will wane as time proceeds. I know I am not the only one.

Update

We are about a week and half away from our due date, (Sept. 21) Carrie is now in her weekly appointments. The baby is beginning to drop slowly and Carrie is slightly dilated. In turn, that means things are on schedule and it now is a matter of days!!!

Realism

2009-08-27T14:08:00.003-06:00

Well needless to say the day is almost here and our new addition will arrive in just weeks. We have now made it past several ultrasounds, two glucose tests, several other tests and about six appointments . With Carrie now at 36 weeks and nearly considered full term, we will now go in for weekly checkups to make sure everything is going smoothly. With that comes the reality of life setting in. As the weeks close in, our nursery is slowly getting put together and everything else seems to be falling in place.

The nursery is packed with all the goodies we have received from the numerous baby showers Carrie has had thrown for her/us, as well as the crib and changing table given to us by our Aunt Lani. Although the room looks messy right now I am confident it will be put together by the end of the weekend. That said, everything becomes a little bit more real.

Reality of being dad has come and gone over the past eight months. The initial surprise seems surreal while 16 week appointment brings reality beating in(get to listen to the heartbeat at that point), literally. When we hit the 20 week mark a more than real visual makes itself present and while I felt myself overwhelmed with glee, reality besieged my thoughts. To secure the veracity of the situation every few weeks Carrie would go in and get her routine check ups and during those times we get to hear the heartbeat. As weeks progress different moments make this whole thing very authentic.

Last weekend we attended a birthing class and while Carrie I gathered some valuable information and had a good time, I couldn't help how bona fide the situation is. As we left the class on Sunday, Carrie turned and asked, "That made everything seem so real, huh?" I answered her with an enthusiastic yet slightly scared, yes.

Although fear occasionally enter my mind, I can't help but be inundated with gratefulness for having friends and family by our side even if geography separates us. It is comforting to know we always have someone to lean on. There are days where fear fills my thoughts, however I have no excuse to continue those negative thoughts because of our family and friends.

With just weeks to go I feel excited and and anxious for my baby girl. I often imagine what to do, how to be, and so on but now I wonder no more. Carrie and I were raised well and I intend to believe in what we have been taught and what we have learned over the years will suffice.

We Got a Kicker

2009-06-17T09:09:00.003-06:00

I woke up last night because I heard Carrie chuckle a bit. I rolled over and asked her what was so funny, she replied with, "Our daughter is awake and kicking." That immediately made me excited to see or feel this child of mine playing around. I quickly placed my hand on Carrie belly and she moved my hand where I could feel it the best, however I got nothing. I left my hand there for a good ten minutes before finally falling asleep.

That said with every kick and movement Carrie tells me about I get more and more excited for the day that little kid is born!

Anticipation!

2009-05-08T11:27:00.006-06:00

Well here we are, that baby face you see up above is my baby! It was an amazing site to see when we saw our offspring for the first time. I was so baffle by the images, I for once was speechless. I did not even have a smart ass remark, because I was in complete awww. To think, there is a human being inside my wife, is astonishing. All that said the experience was on of those things I know I will remember for a long time.

The technician asked if we would like to know the sex, both of us replied quickly, "yes." She asked what we were hoping for and I said boy of course. She quickly quieted me with what has happened during her day. "Well you two will be my first boy for the day," I sighed internally and got back to my normal smart ass self and said "Well we are here to break that trend!" I sat back in my chair and just hoped and prayed the baby would be okay. The tech sat in silence and prodded around, the few second that went by without her saying anything, felt like an eternity. All I kept waiting was for her to say is that my little child is normal and healthy. I would love her either way but you know...

She looked at all of her organs, checked the bones and spine and informed us the baby looks good. I was relieved beyond all belief. Another few minutes went by and she asked again if we wanted to know the baby's sex and was answered by a quick yes. As the anticipation built more and more, I kept trying to act like I knew what the hell I was looking at up at the screen. Much to my demise even my smarted brain cell had no idea what was on that black screen. The tech finally looked as though she wanted to speak about what was on the screen, then her face got squinty, she moved her little wand around. "Well," she said, (I was sitting there like come on woman enough with this squinty face, chit chat, speak your mind!) "We are going to do an internal ultra sound. SIGHHGHGHGHGHGHHGHGHHG!!!!!!!............

I showed no emotion but inside was screaming many things and punching the everything in my mind. After the internal ultra sound the tech informed us the baby moved back and was not able to be sure of what the baby's sex is. OOOOHHHHH JEEEEZZZZZZZ!!!!! I yelled in my mind. "Do you want me tell you what I think it is?" the tech asked. We both calmly said yeah sure, "I am not positive but see those three lines, ( yes I remember three lines I believe that is a wiener I said in my head) this generally means a girl." She explained to us that she is not 100% but from what she has seen it is probably a girl.

I really want to start calling that thing in my wife belly by its real name and not just kid or it. For now, I will call it my little girl. That has a crazy little ring to it, my little girl. It seems like just yesterday I graduated from high school, met Carrie, now I am having a kid!?!?! Crazy!

Another thing we got to do during this appointment is meet with the midwife. I am not sure exactly still what she does, but from what I gather, she is the doctor's right hand man. The midwife will deliver the baby if the doctor happens to be unavailable. Also from some of the other articles I have read, the midwife is significantly less expensive as far as bills go, if you have insurance I understand it is not that big of a deal.

All that said we go back in one more month. We will get another ultra sound to try and find out the sex of the baby and make sure everything is still going smooth. I gonna have a little girl, man where did the time go? In the words of my dad HUAH!!!!!