Gentle Pills

Take a trip, hummingbird

noreply@blogger.com (Scott) — Tue, 22 May 2007 10:39:00 -0400

The princess is in another blog:
Welcome to Warp Zone
1 2 3 4 5

Let me tell you something sister

noreply@blogger.com (Scott) — Wed, 25 Apr 2007 14:49:00 -0400

This is how I will strike. First, I will write a video game review of Deus Ex for ABDN. Then I will compile notes and ideas for my big, awesome, "Reluctant Players in Video Game Narratives" idea, which I will finish after I get back from Europe. I will compile an awesome Bon Voyage Mix called "Low-Budget Happiness: Joy Jams for Two Months of Dangerously Cheap Living," and give it to anyone who wants it. Then I will go to Europe, think about my big, awesome idea, think on a few other ideas, and try to blog at least thrice a week(consequently, there will be at least 33 blog posts in Europe), all while enjoying most of the countries in Western Europe and a few of those straggling Eastern ones. I will attempt to seduce a wealthy baronness so as to secure a healthy playboy's pension, but this will likely not happen. While in Europe, I'll take photos and blog, and I'm going to make a fresh start internet-wise, which means a new blog, a new name. This blog never really served it's purpose as I rarely bothered to update it and most of things I wanted to write were probably too personal for this forum anyway, as lightly read as it may be. I need to think of a name for my new blog, which will probably carry on past the Europe trip, into my 99.9% probably move to Santa Fe. So if anyone has any suggestions, shoot away! I might post one or two more things in this blog, but for the time being, it is basicall defunct, and I'll probably move most of the archives off the internet, and if anyone wants them, I and archives.org will have them, I guess.

Probably important

noreply@blogger.com (Scott) — Wed, 3 Jan 2007 16:11:00 -0500

http://www.latimes.com/features/health/la-he-adhd18dec18,0,7025025.story?coll=la-home-headlines

Haven't read it yet, but I will as soon as I get home.

Mostly cat stories

noreply@blogger.com (Scott) — Mon, 11 Dec 2006 21:09:00 -0500

Anne and Greg have a kitten named Tesuji. They named her after a term used by Go players, which translated means "tactical brilliance." I know she is gifted in surprise tactics, since I woke up around 9:30am my first morning in Greg and Anne's house to the sound of tapping on my eyelid. It was Tesuji and she was punching my eye. In my half-dream state, it felt like I was in a submarine and sharks were ramming my hull. The sound of a furred paw is quite loud when it is only a few centimeters from my brain

SCOTT'S PRE-WINTER SOLSTICE TOUR 2006

noreply@blogger.com (Scott) — Fri, 8 Dec 2006 13:16:00 -0500

SANTA FE, NEW MEXICO:
I AM YOUR HONEYMOON

Departure from BWI(screaming fans waving handkerchiefs, mostly beautiful women and plucky, golden-eyed teenagers)
8:15 am, Saturday.

Arrival at Albuquerque, after a layover in Houston, (screaming fans waving pitchforks, mostly beautiful women and scary men in uniform)
1:30 pm, Saturday.

After escaping the crowds, I'll be rushed into the carriage of Anneand Gregsford, and we'll go for a decadent jaunt around the urban jungles of Albuquerque, possibly getting fondue, and/or sushi, or maybe something called sushi fondue. That's a tex-mex dish, I guess? I don't understand the southwest.

After numerous gastronomical discoveries we'll head up to a

LIBRARY PARTY

and I'll wine and dine with some of the elite Santa Fe crowd.

Sometime Wednesday, December 13:
HAPPY WEDDING, JERKS.
I'm pushing for a lavish pizza dinner after the wedding, as that would be the kind of a dinner a true baller would have after a wedding, but everyone else doesn't think so :(

I come back on Saturday. Expect updates throughout the week. PROMISE. I worked so hard on that rainbow tag, but it was worth it.

goal for the day

noreply@blogger.com (Scott) — Tue, 5 Dec 2006 11:28:00 -0500

Drink so much coffee that by the time I go home I should have a nobel peace prize for everything I accomplished today. I'm thinking ten cups at least. I have no idea what this will do to me, but I figure doing it on the job is a good use of my workday and moreover I'll have witnesses in case something extraordinary happens. Like maybe the opposite of Delirium tremens will happen to me. Or maybe I'll end up like this guy.

I'll probably only drink five cups, but that's cool. That's some serious juice.

Things I wish I had known about as a kid

noreply@blogger.com (Scott) — Tue, 5 Dec 2006 00:34:00 -0500

#1
David Lynch's The angriest dog in the world comic strip

"The comic strip originated from a time in Lynch's life when he was filled with anger." Holy fuck I cannot believe this.

Coming down from heaven on high

noreply@blogger.com (Scott) — Wed, 29 Nov 2006 16:14:00 -0500

in a beat-up Volvo with Pixies and Smiths stickers on the back: Birdie Hilltop finally got a webpage. Rejoice! Even better, they have all their songs (minus one that I'm aware of, "Oh those eyes," but that's at the Frigital website) available for download. Don't cherry-pick like a louse, download them all, before the band runs out of bandwidth. If you're going to go with one album, though get Surround The Birthday, it's got the best fidelity and the most memorable songwriting. If you're really picky, you can download by the song, in which case, get the aforementioned album and at least check out Taking money from the kids, Tea, Hippie Charms, Thousand French Movies, and Quoi. That's just off the top of my head. I had never actually heard Scotland or Your Own Girl before learning of this website, and I'm not sure whether they were even released. BH info is hard to come by, and I only know what I know from Frigital. They (meaning Pascal Troemel, who is to Birdie Hilltop as John Darnielle is to the Mountain Goats, AFAIK) have been together since the late 90s, alledgedly.
Anyway, no band does battered pop songs about modern desolation better than Birdie Hilltop(but Chauchat comes in a close second). Battered, sure, Pascal's voice is hushed, unwilling to tell you the secret of what he's singing about, but that's something of a ruse. BH is pretty sly. I'd like to explain more, but I'm at work right now. I wanted to blog about something awesome, and I did. Now go listen to the music I put on mix cds to impress people.

Sometimes my job works for me

noreply@blogger.com (Scott) — Tue, 21 Nov 2006 12:14:00 -0500

Here's something I ran across while updating the database with a scholarship for high-school students:

"Applicants must be sheep producers or from a sheep-producing family with an operation of 20 or more ewes. Advisor's statement must confirm sheep involvement."

If I were a guidance counselor, I'd demand a raise. Sheep involvement confirmation skills are at a premium in today's job market. I mean, getting the necessary training for sheep confirmation is an extra eight credit hours of study, and that's just for sheep. Cow and goat confirmation is like honors college level.

What will my mother think?

noreply@blogger.com (Scott) — Mon, 20 Nov 2006 21:58:00 -0500

----------------------
Hi everybody. If you receive this email, it's because you've expressed interest in joining up with a few like-minded souls to write and read stories of unsurpassed lust and slightly ridiculous eroticism. Well, not slightly, maybe totally ridiculous. No, definitely totally ridiculous. Well, since you expressed interest, you should know that I'm ready to put together this happening, I believe I have enough people to make a group that will be friendly, intimate, and diverse. Now all we need is a place and a time. That needs to be hashed out, particularly since the holidays might make it hard for all of us to find an acceptable time. Of course, it also means we should inaugurate our group with some holiday themed erotica, but I'll leave that up to you, the writers. Anyways, time and place! Place is easy, I think the Brewer's Art in Mt. Vernon would be a fine place to recite some bawdy lines in. Let's hold out first meeting there. As for time, how does Tuesday, Decemeber 19th, at 7pm sound? If you're still interested and f this time works for you, RSVP! And get to writing your first piece of erotica for the Baltimore Amateur Erotica Writers Association of America. Thanks!
-----------

the number of lusty gazes will approach infinity

noreply@blogger.com (Scott) — Fri, 3 Nov 2006 14:42:00 -0500

Join the Baltimore Amateur Erotica Writer's Association
Reply to: comm-219342800@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-10-11, 8:53PM EDT

Hey Everybody! Want to write ridiculous erotica, then read it to a group of people while trying to suppress your giggles? Come join the B-more Amateur Erotica Writer's Association, which isn't so much an association as a group of people who you can drink with and laugh over how many synonyms you can create for penises and vaginas. Anyone is welcome to join, as long as they have an erotic story they'd like to read in front of a group, preferably a story that doesn't take itself seriously. Don't worry if you haven't written erotica before; I haven't either! But it'll probably be fun! Slashfic also welcome! Email me for more. We'll set up a time and place to meet.

Post Craigslist throwdown, it occurred to me that the only way to improve this idea would be to call the group the "Baltimore Amateur Erotica Writer's Association of America."

I have 5 people possibly interested. Maybe 6. At least two others are interested in just attending meetings without contributing, which is fine, because they'll probably contribute by making more dirty jokes. The question is, where do you stand?

MATH FOR V.I.P.

noreply@blogger.com (Scott) — Fri, 3 Nov 2006 11:06:00 -0500

a + b = c

a = 300.4
b= 300.02

Ergo, c is equal to 600.42. But no one cares about c because it's not real. a and b, however, are superstars, and they demand your complete attention. If you devote yourself to a and b, they will reward you handsomely. Otherwise, you will be passed by and you'll become much like c, walking around with your Donut Shack Moustache(the fourth one you've tried to grow this year), wondering what those numbers were all about.

This was fun to write.

CURRENT PROJECT

noreply@blogger.com (Scott) — Wed, 1 Nov 2006 14:02:00 -0500

Creating a bumper sticker that reads:
"No longer interested in platitudes"

Make my funk the funk that is easy to accomplish. I want my funk to pose little challenge.

Yeah okay I'll get to blogging.

I have about fifty draft posts languishing in the queue

noreply@blogger.com (Scott) — Fri, 22 Sep 2006 11:02:00 -0400

I'm thinking of starting up WordTurk again. Or maybe I should go to Grad School instead? Or maybe I should just cook myself a very delicious dinner tonight. I'm not so sure.

noreply@blogger.com (Scott) — Wed, 2 Aug 2006 11:38:00 -0400

When I close my eyes I see broad impossibility. Therefore, this is the first thing I have written since the close of the writer's workshop I attended two weeks ago. I can't find even dreams in the dark anymore. I took a copy of the dream journal I kept from my senior year of high school (cataloguing ten or so dreams I had from August 4, 1999 through January 8, 2000) to my therapist. I had mentioned I had apocolyptic dreams, dreams of being chased or having something I need to give to somebody. These dreams don't end. They just roll along. My dreams in the journal don't reflect this, since most of them were recordings of lucid dreaming exercises I tried. I got a headache a few times from trying to lucidly dream. I remember straining to read a book I once found in my dream. It was in some dungeon some where, lighted by torches. The words must have been wet because they kept leaking and smudging when I tried to read them. My brain couldn't focus on it. Then I felt a snap in my left frontal lobe and a surge of pain, and I woke up. My brain is a machine and I broke it, was my first thought. I can still feel a throbbing in that same spot when I recall that time, like a timing belt that wasn't installed right. My most recent dream involved studying for a test, but I never got to take it. The test was to take place in the hollow of a large tree. I think it was about math but I'm unsure.

Broken Digital Cameras Make Good Deskfellows

noreply@blogger.com (Scott) — Tue, 20 Jun 2006 13:02:00 -0400

I needed to write something. Just anything. It could have been an equation. I could just be pulling some Fenyman nastiness and I'd be happy. I just need lines, electronic or ink or graphite, on some medium, lines that I made and that have some significance. This is what I am writing about.

There's a digital camera on my desk that was given to me by a coworker. It works apparently, but the battery is dead and they don't have any charger for that battery type. It's an old Digital Mavica by Sony. I don't know if they even produce these any longer. But traditions live past product obsolence, and the tradition here involves passing the camera to each new employee, who can stick it in his pants. If he wants to. A female employee can stick it in her pants too if she wants to, I just don't use the "he/she" item for Xtreme religious reasons. So I have a camera that will probably never be energized and functional again. Although I could have sworned it switched on while it was in my pants.

Did you guess that this blog is all about Destiny? It is.

It's also a coded message about zombies. Here's the answer to the code: "GUYS LET'S MAKE A ZOMBIE MOVIE I'LL BRING THE PIZZA."

Re: Comments

noreply@blogger.com (Scott) — Fri, 2 Jun 2006 19:08:00 -0400

Come on guys keep talking about me. Maybe I'll come back soon.

I am a writer again.

noreply@blogger.com (Scott) — Wed, 26 Apr 2006 00:38:00 -0400

Welcome WordTurk to the world, ladies and gentleman. Spread the word. And come back tomorrow for another hastily written story incorpating the Word of the Day!
Don't worry, I'll still post here. Probably more frequently too, now that I have real serious internet.

Renaissance

noreply@blogger.com (Scott) — Wed, 19 Apr 2006 14:46:00 -0400

Tomorrow, internet will be installed at my house, thanks to Belive Wireless. I'm talking Real Serious Internet here. Things are going to get different around this blog, and quick. Also, Mother 3 came out today in Japan. It's already April 20th in Japan; how cool is that?

Judgemental

noreply@blogger.com (Scott) — Wed, 15 Mar 2006 13:49:00 -0500

I walked out of the bathroom and noticed the elevator door was open. This means someone had either left or entered the elevator. If someone had left the elevator, they would likely be walking down the hall to the office proper. I turned to walk down this hall and saw one of my co-workers walking in front of me. I was making a noticable amount of noise, but my co-worker didn't bother turning around to see what was behind him. His face didn't even twitch in any direction. Maybe it's just my ADHD, but I'm always looking to see what is making noises behind me. Constant awareness of my surroundings: it helps with survival, you know? So what did I think as I walked behind this person who seemed unconcerned with or even unaware of my mysterious presence?

"This guy's obviously not a ninja."

Good ideas

noreply@blogger.com (Scott) — Wed, 15 Mar 2006 12:10:00 -0500

I rummage through the internet alot. It's part of my job, the part that makes the middle school internet culture-fiend part of me joyous, but also the part that makes the sensible post-college part of me pretty exhausted and misan thropic. Sometimes, however, it makes me happy. I found this guy. His name is Lee and he's walking from Madrid, Spain, to Kiev, Ukraine. And it's all Werner Herzog's awesome fault. I think this guy is awesome. Plus, he did Clownfunnies. Good luck to him on this adventure. I encourage everyone to donate $20. On that note, there's a surprise for my readers on his website I wonder what it could be?.

A blog-whelp without Photoshop

noreply@blogger.com (Scott) — Thu, 9 Mar 2006 12:16:00 -0500

Has anyone noticed my blog is ugly? Man, I sure have. I met my blog recently at a dark bar last night and took it home to my place. This morning, I wake up and it's laying on it's stomach right next to me, naked, and the window above my bed is vomiting sunlight all over the disfigured face of my poor blog. I don't think it's a face anymore, it looks more like a manhole cover that had lots of chewed-up gum thrown onto it, and then merciless ten-wheel trucks roll over the gum, spreading the crusty flavorless wad all over the metal cover. Then a jackhammer from the nearby construction site becomes possessed or gets out of hand and bunny-hops in the most violent(and cute) fashion possible to the manhole cover and the rest is unrecognizable, hideous history. Maybe a dog comes and pees on it later, but that just makes the pataphor gratuitous. Actually, looking back, that pataphor just blew my mind. How did I write that?

Oh anyways, my blog is ugly and I probably contracted what it had, so if you see me, now you know why my nose is missing.

I'm going to learn CSS or something. I went blog-gliding recently, staring down at all the blogs to find a suitable one to land on, and I found this pretty awesome blog, Faggoty-Ass Faggot, which is probably the only context in which I'll use that title in my blog. Entertaining writing, but the design is also good, or at least unique, or at the very least better than mine. I think it looks good. Alot of other blogs look good, like the select blogs the FAF links to. Maybe it has something to do with being gay. In that case 45% of my blog should be awesome. Maybe it already is. My content isn't awful. I think this was a pretty rad entry, at least the homosexual 45% of it was. Or the blogosexual image at the very beginning. Wait, let's Google blogosexual. Spanish seems to like it. Muy Intersanté Mucho LOLZ. Anyways, so the other 55% of my blog that sucks is mostly just the blog design and my infrequent posting. I'd say 35% is my infrequent posting. That 20% is crucial. Does anyone know much about blog design? I should just search for it on the web. Hey, Anne, can I borrow your photoshop skillz?

PS. Verizon still sucks. They are currently revising history, moving forward the DSL Order Received date from February 28 to March 3, 2006. Our service ready date is March 31. It hurts me more than it hurts you, kids.

Weekly Goal Number One

noreply@blogger.com (Scott) — Mon, 6 Mar 2006 10:39:00 -0500

I will refrain from littering my speech and writing with profanity like so much shrapnel, cutting and slicing innocent bystanders, who are likely holding even more innocent babies and also walking adorable puppies. Golly, that'd be an awful tragedy.

I swear to god i will block my father's emails.

noreply@blogger.com (Scott) — Fri, 3 Mar 2006 12:25:00 -0500

Fowarded recently.

----- Original Message ----- From: "D--- H-----"
To: "Pete and Susan"
Sent: Thursday, March 02, 2006 1:39 PM
Subject: Fw: Arrest Report

Subject: FW: Arrest Report

If he had a slide rule, he must be an old math teacher.

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a
public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a
calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he
believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. The FBI is
charging him with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Gonzalez said. "They desire average solutions
by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search for
absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y'
and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to
a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every
country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every
triangle.'"

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted
us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more
fingers and toes."

-----

Geez guys Isosceles wasn't a person it's a Greek word meaning 'same legs'!!!!

Oh, hay gaiz. Sorry for not blogging much lately, despite my earlier and too early proclamations of internet connectivity. Verizon lost our order in some closet, maybe under one of their piles of money/anime dvds I don't know. I had to call them, which involved a magical journey through the realms of those fucking phone menus that ask you to say the menu options rather than doing something that computers are better at recognizing, like, say, pushing a button with a number on it. I'm not calling to be impressed by your space-age voice recognition technology Verizon, particularly if my telephone call to the future was necessitated by your inability to send a packet of data containing my order to the right place. It's useless technology (I can sort of see using it for when you're calling from a cell phone, since you don't have to take the phone away from your future-robot-face to press a menu option number, but, I'd rather let people on the right side of me see my beautiful-robot-face while I press menu buttons), and what is worse is they decided to increase the sense you're talking to a real person who understands commands like "dsl order wtf?", by having the recorded voice say "Okay" after I speak. Oh d00d!!!! that's just like how real non-robots talk! I can't wait until they pepper the recordings with "like" and "you know" and the occasional "To place a fucking order- oops! sorry, I meant to just say order. I guess watching HBO has its downside, right? Ha ha. Now where were we?"

Oh right, so I called Verizon and they had no idea what I was talking about, and they sifted me through three operators, finally sending me to a recording that told me to call another number and then hung up instead of, you know, connecting me to one of these new numbers. But I guess it is better that I wasn't connected because the phone numbers the recording listed had nothing to do with my problem. Hey, man, I know when I'm not wanted. I'll take my party-nachos and leave. Fucking robots.

Actually, calling did help, since one operator found my order and gave me a dsl number, but the operator I was subsequently sent to couldn't find that number in the Verizon system. So my brother called and through our combined effots we will be getting the internet by Monday at the latest. Which is telling, because Monday is the day when the Inuit Calendar ends!!! Coincidence? Only time will tell, but it won't keep silent for long!

Oh, I also wanted to share this , which I found thanks to Achewood. I think this review is pretty amazing. I imagine Joyce could write it, except there would be more words, most of them being nonsense. Also, joyless sex. Then again, I imagine every Irish priest has a story like this, and they all include Brother Billy McCarthy I bet.

Cut the lullabies

noreply@blogger.com (Scott) — Fri, 10 Feb 2006 09:31:00 -0500

It takes me so long to get out of bed, and this leads me to believe that I am still in college and my job is just some delusion of my refracted reality, and I'm actually still in college, it's just that winter break is lasting much longer than expected. But then I get my paycheck and I'm all like "LOL! 401k = big-time grown-up." I must be an adult, because I have the power to cross beyond the bounds of parental supervision and straight up purchasify a grand delicious and stupid yummy ice cream cake. This has been done to a most regretful extent.

Okay, there's more to talk about, sure, and there will be, because we are fucking finally getting the internets at our house. 3.0mbps, which means 3.0 melancholy blogs per second, and that is what I will be giving all of you. The wicked tight self-loathing I am going to be speedily slicing and dicing in my Deli of Delusion will make all the paper in your room combust and then start crying unconsolably (not necessarily in that order, bam!). And know this, scavenger of the web I have never done hyperbole fucking ever. I am unstoppably on the level.

Anyways, I just wanted to let everyone know. Now with the internet living in my house, I will finally be a friend of the world. I will finally be your friend. You can borrow my bike whenever you want.