Gerrie Hugo

I Am Your Hooker

2010-06-09T06:32:00.000-07:00

A poem by Richard de Nooy

I love this man's writing!

The full post on Book Southern Africa can be read here.

I Am Your Hooker

DU NOOOOOY!
WHAT IN THE NAME
OF ALL THINGS HOLY
DO YOU THINK
YOU ARE DOING?
YOU! ARE! MY! HOOKER!
AND WHEN I SAY TACKLE
YOU TACKLE, YOU DOOS!
YOU DO NOT STOP AND THINK!”

But I like thinking, sir. And reading. And soccer, sir.

SOCCER IS FOR KAFFIRS AND QUEERS, DU NOOY!
AND YOU DON’T LOOK LIKE A KAFFIR,
SO YOU MUST BE A QUEER!

It takes one to know one, sir.

Is what I should have said
but didn’t,
Which is why I write:

Dear Sir,
Thank you for causing me so much pain and embarrassment
That I shall spend a lifetime seeking words to express my rage.
To me you are an endless source of inspiration.
And I shall always remain
Your kaffir, your queer, your hooker.

PS: May the screams of a thousand schoolboys torment your dreams
And may the men of a hundred scrums drink beer in your rectum.

6ix Fang Marks and a Tetanus Shot by Richard de Nooy

2010-06-08T00:27:00.000-07:00

It is not often that one finds a book that you read with a strange mixture of awe, delight, slight confusion, and sheer horror. 6ix fang marks and a Tetanus shot is one of those books.
It is mankind’s gain that Richard de Nooy finally decided to come out of the closet as a novelist. He has a wit as sharp as a mother-in-law’s tongue and is very talented scribe and artist. I say artist because it takes immense skill and talent to enthrall adults with a story like one would a pre-school group with a fairytale. While reading this book I, a bloody cynic, found myself in the same state of enchantment that I can recall whilst listening to my first grade teacher telling us a story.
In the foreword Richard warns the reader that you will be lied to. However, I caught myself on a few occasions actually believing every word of it. Descriptions of people and places are so authentic that one can easily believe it to be reality. Parts of the story are told by Ysbrand de Heer, presumably de Nooy’s alter ego. Is this one of the many twists in the cat’s tail? I still do not know what is fact and what is fiction and that makes it a remarkable and extremely well written story.
It is a tale of an extraordinary relationship between two brothers growing up in South Africa during the 70’s and 80’s in a somewhat dysfunctional family in a totally dysfunctional society. This tender and remarkable bond grows stronger as the brothers mature, primarily due to one’s proneness to accidents which leaves the other to pick up the pieces over and over again until one fatal day when the roles gets reversed. The bond gets cemented with a dark secret that the two brothers share and explains why Ace has the patience of a Saint with Rem’s frequent mishaps.
The reader gets transported back and forth in time and space; Johannesburg, Amsterdam and Namibia. The ingenuity with which the two brothers solve the problem of Rem getting hit by a tram in Amsterdam can only be described as brilliant and totally hilarious in its tragedy.
Rem takes on the role as a war correspondent who returns to South Africa. In doing so he manages to pull together bits and pieces that, at first might seem unconnected. But in the end each and every little snippet of information connects the events together, leading the reader deeper and deeper into the two brothers’ private hell.
Frequent quotes from e.g. Joseph & Schwarts regarding accident proneness are some of those snippets that serve to underline the absurdity of being a shit magnet as Ace puts it.
“Frankl (1963) studied a number of children intensively, reaching the conclusion that accident proneness is related both to the function of self-preservation and to the existence of certain age-specific conflicts in infancy, childhood and adolescence.”
Whilst following the brothers all the way from childhood to maturity ample examples are given of how the quote relate to the two boys.
Quite a few quotes will stay with me for a long time but to mention one:
“You are quite fokken stupid to be a student you know.”
What led up to that comment from a police officer involved a hand brake and an impressive intake of booze. Want to know what that was all about? Read the book! It is a superb story.
Initially a few things plagued me at the end of the book: I felt that void that comes with the conclusion of a ‘feel good book.’ I wanted to read more! And what the heck happened to one of the key characters when he disappeared like a bat out of hell, but true to form, in a much sneakier way? Is the darkest of secrets the brothers shared fact or fiction?
But then I learnt with pleasure that de Nooy have already completed a new book called Zacht als Staal (Soft as Steel) again narrated by JR Deo. Rem gets involved in the story about halfway through. He befriends the main character (a gay Afrikaans lad called Staal) and the readers of 6 Fang Marks and a Tetanus Shot will then learn what happened to Rem after he left Ace’s attic and how he became JR Deo.
I can’t wait to get my hands on the new book. I have already started going to gym to prepare for the bloody combat, with my wife, that is sure to erupt if I dare to try and read it first.
6ix Fang Marks and a Tetanus Shot is a brilliant story told by a man who possesses an intense understanding of human nature.
The book is published by Jacana and also available at Amazon and kalahari.net

When water is thicker than blood (1972)

2010-04-24T09:58:00.000-07:00

It was five minutes into our 2^nd break. On this day the matrics were acting really childish. It was their last week of school and their juvenile antics were starting to get on my nerves. Gone was the prim and proper behavior of the past year, replaced by conduct one would normally associate with a primary school. I was getting truly pissed off. Part of my mood was of course due to jealousy. Jealous that I could not be one of them, like my brother, that will soon shrug off the shackles of a verkrampte predominantly Afrikaans school. A school where we were subjected to weekly hair inspections and that only allowed short back and sides. Square cuts were out. Hell they even had weekly panty inspections carried out by the sexless croons that were but a few years away from retirement. Somehow they believed that this would fortify chastity. It did not help or make sense. It was just for the show. No teenager would dare to try and get leg-over at school. The teenagers still fucked like rabbits and annually quite a few unwanted pregnancies saw the light. This of course was totally taboo at the time and resulted in great shame on the families involved. South Africa never really experienced the free love of the 60’s or swinging 70’s. We had three 50’s and went right into the 80’s. Maybe the panty inspections were done to keep the male teachers from lusting after the teenage girls as there was quite a lot of that going on behind the scenes.

The paper water bomb hit me so hard in my face that my nose started bleeding. It was a big one, made and thrown by Hendrik Bruwer, the star flanker of the first rugby team who two weeks prior had broken his nose rather badly in a rugby match. I was soaked from the top of my head to mid-chest and a thin trickle of blood was making a rather interesting abstract pink artwork on my white school shirt. Around me everyone were screeching with laughter. Hendrik was big. He easily had 6 inches and 25lbs on me. That however did not deter me and we were soon circling each other like two peacocks. Hendrik’s girlfriend kept on shouting: “It was only a joke, please, it was only a joke.”

Hendrik tried his best to talk his way out of the fight. He was a school monitor and he did not know what to make of me because very few would dare to challenge him. I also had a reputation as a brawler and was the provincial boxing champ in my weight group. He however believed that his sheer bulk was more than a match for me. I was apprehensive but knew about his weak spot, his nose, and stood my ground. He threatened and blustered to get out of the situation but I was not going to back down. He refused to apologize as he maintained that it was an accident. He stated that he did not intend to hit me and also could not afford to lose face in front of his girlfriend and mates. He started to get really insulting. Telling me that I might believe that I was a force to be reckoned within the confines of the filthy and poor military base where we lived but that I was a bloody nobody in town i.e. the real world. This in turn wounded my brother deeply as he was ashamed of the humble conditions we lived in and also believed that Hendrik was his close friend. My brother tried to hide his hurt and thus minimize the effect of the insult by saying: “Ag moer him Hendrik.” (“Oh fuck him up Hendrik”)

I felt something inside of me tear and knew that it would never mend again. My brother turned on me to hide his shame. I saw red and when the mist cleared Hendrik was lying curled up on the tarmac clutching his nose with both hands trying unsuccessfully to stem the flow of blood. Apparently I hit him with a swift left to the nose and broke it in the exact same spot as before. I searched for my brother amongst the shocked onlookers but he was nowhere to be seen.

It is now 38 years since my brother and I have done no more than acknowledge each other’s existence. We treat one another with respect but aloofness. Love and the family bond are not recognized.

Hendrik’s rugby career ended that day and I got caned six of the best from the vice-principal who was also the rugby coach.

A Summer Prayer

2008-06-21T06:16:00.000-07:00

Dear God,

We will be leaving for our summer break soon.

Please help me utilize all of my senses to enjoy what You have to offer.

May I meet interesting and wonderful people.

May I not be able to read them. I mean that literally. May I meet just one attractive person without a tattoo, please!

May I not fear lightning when I’m around them because of studs, rings and other vulgar forms of body piercings.

May they be beautiful and if it’s not too much to ask... please, may the women have pubic hair?

Amen

Icky creatures in need of squashing

2008-02-21T07:32:00.000-08:00

I’ve been putting this off for quite a while but I need to air my views about a slimy, idiotic, repulsive breed called racists. In South Africa it does not take much for them to come out of the woodwork. Just give them a crisis and out they pop. They have now become so bold that they even venture out of their closed newsgroups onto forums usually reserved for sane people. Any criticism of the government or ANC leadership somehow leads these creatures to believe that they have a green light to spew forth their hate speech.

According to their pedestrian reasoning you automatically become “one of them” just because you address the shortcomings of political leaders. That really makes my skin crawl. They just don’t get it. I do not deal with race in my criticism. I do not believe in white supremacy or black inferiority and I would like to see them and their kind forced to colonise Jupiter without the luxury of spacesuits. They make me want to embark on a severe bout of projectile vomiting and make me ashamed of being “white”.

But why are they so bold? What makes the White Trash feel safe to express their nauseating views and opinions? How can they be so unrepentant?

On average, white people in South Africa believe that just knowing someone that voted yes in the referendum in 1992 is enough of an apology for apartheid. There I have said it. Very few have really confronted the fact that they allowed a monstrous system to inflict inhuman suffering on millions of their fellow citizens. Fewer still have apologized for this or mended their ways. Most just shrug it off as something that was done by others. They do not seem to realize how lucky they were to get off so lightly.

Nothing was done to make them change their views after 1994 and the Truth and Reconciliation Commission is to blame. Or rather political deals struck behind the scenes and implemented by the TRC are to blame.

Yes, once more I am accusing that sub-human species called politicians for this state of affairs.

Why could the military walk away unscarred when it is a known fact that some of the worst atrocities were committed by its members? Was there a fear of an uprising and that one part of the security forces was left free to walk in case their services would be needed? Was it because the military was in possession of information that could compromise some leading members of the new dispensation? Was it because the military still carried so much clout that the plans for a coup were still on the table? One can but speculate.

In my mind there is absolutely no doubt that the military was left off the hook because of some behind-the-scene political manoeuvring.

That is the only reason the military could get away with their atrocities committed in other countries including the Bantustans. Senior ANC officials could not allow scrutiny of their actions and activities inflicted on their own in penal battalions amongst other things. That is why the scope of the TRC got narrowed down to investigate only atrocities committed within the borders of South Africa. A convenient way to keep the ANC’s atrocities in places like Angola under wraps. The fact that a deeper investigation into atrocities could have led to the exposure of spies, agents and double-agents of the Apartheid regime is also of some relevance here.

The biggest failure of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission of South Africa was and will always be the message subconsciously sent to the white population of South Africa:

“It is OK. You can carry on living your lives as before and take no notice of our proceedings.”

Failure to investigate and prosecute known perpetrators and murderers created a comfort-zone for the average white South African. If known and self-confessed murderers did not get prosecuted, why on Earth then should the whites change their opinions and attitudes when it comes to the issues of race and humanity? No-one ever felt any heat for being part of a racist society for decades. No stick or carrot was used to encourage a change of their way of life after democracy was introduced. It got treated with more or less indifference and life just went on as before.

A grave injustice was done to the population of South Africa by not utilising the full potential of the TRC. ANC politicians are as much to blame for the fact that racism is still alive and well in my country as the ones that fought for and supported the cause of Apartheid. They were in too much of a hurry to get on the gravy-train.

Callous indifference towards the plight of your electorate is just as despicable as gross violations of human rights.

*Excerpts from Africa Will Always Break Your heart used.

Newsflash! Intercept of CIA briefing

2008-02-19T08:09:00.000-08:00

See we told President Kennedy that commie bastard would not last in Cuba.

Rainbow Nation and other Illusions

2008-02-19T05:50:00.000-08:00

A rainbow does not exist. It is an optical illusion. A magic trick of Mother Nature beautiful to behold but that’s the only way you can experience it.

The same applies for the Rainbow Nation of South Africa as it’s an illusion and just window-dressing for the rest of the world. It remains a dream and a tangible thing it is not. Anyone who states differently is lying. They are bullshitting and they all know it. Still, they would rather die than admit to failure. They will patronizingly tell you that they are busy with “nation-building” while they widely practice racism and bigotry. Theirs is a noble quest not to be questioned. Especially not by the likes of me that decided to leave because I prefer not to be murdered by criminals. You see, according to them, plain common sense now equates a traitor and racist. Because I opted to leave South Africa when the opportunity was offered I am a bad, very bad person. The ones that do not have the means or opportunity are now acting as if they are exercising free will and choice by staying. Therefore they should be praised for bravery and noble actions as they are the ones who are busy with nation-building.

Show me someone that turned down the opportunity to leave and I will show you a severe comprehension disability.

This however does not stop the condescending prigs who try to patronize me by telling me that they are too busy with their noble quest to acknowledge the likes of me. Where do you come from when treating me like rubbish? Because I dared to leave South Africa I get depicted as a racist traitor by the snot-nosed spawn of some bleeding heart lefty liberal lunatics who should have known better than to procreate. The fruit of their loins is ample proof that they should have travelled to Swaziland for that back-room abortion they discussed and considered at the time.

The illusion does not end there. Rather than to admit that they are gullible fools who fell for the cons of their appointed leaders, a large part of the population will fiercely attack anyone who criticizes the said political leaders. All of a sudden “respect” is the most important facet defined by the spirit of Ubuntu. The ones who dare to point out that politicians actually steal and are criminally incompetent apparently do not understand this weird culture.

Cut the crap, people! It is not that difficult to admit that you have been conned. And don’t tell me that I do not understand your culture. There is nothing mysterious about African culture anymore. We have not travelled back in time to the days of the first explorers of the Dark Continent. If your culture preaches that one must have respect for criminals and incompetent idiots then I do not want to know about it. A culture like that is backward and inferior and don’t call me a racist because I am stating a fact. How dare you put an argument like that forward and expect the rest of the civilized world to take you serious? Grow up! Criticism of the ANC is not treason, as preached by the leaders of the organization. It is just a ploy to ensure large numbers of blind followers.

I will probably be crucified for this article. Maybe I should leave comments about that hellhole to those who feel prone to massive coronary or to the ones that like to wallow in self-deception because whichever way I turn, in the eyes of many I will always have my foot in my mouth.

A fact that I’m strangely comfortable with…

It is after all better than living in total denial.

It might not be a crappy idea...

2008-02-10T06:57:00.000-08:00

David Bullard’s blog about the ANC and their fondness of glorifying the struggle heroes, past and present really got my creative juices flowing. Of course the ANC has all the right in the world to rename streets, cities, airports etc. They are after all the glorious conquerors of apartheid. History will always be written by the victorious.

However, the electorate is under siege. The people have very little to smile about and the ANC leadership is rapidly sliding into disfavour. Something can and should be done about this.

I would herewith like to submit a few ideas to the ANC on how to popularize the current leadership once more. I ask for nothing in return but would not frown upon a presidential pardon coming my way.

Instead of erecting statues at great cost and pissing off people with name changes I would like to suggest the following:

· A range of small (approx 5 cm high) lead figurines should be fabricated. This should include the most prominent ANC leaders and the range can later be expanded as dictated by demand.
· These figurines should be heavy enough as not to flush away in a toilet and should be made available at every street corner, cafe, supermarket, chain store and exclusive boutique i.e. everywhere. Hell, ownership of at least two figurines should be subsidized as to be made compulsory.
· The consumer/electorate can then decide which figurine to place at the bottom of their toilet so that the household can do to it what birds normally do to statues.
· The figurines can be changed at regular intervals to ensure that the whole leadership gets a chance to serve at the bottom of the throne.
· Toilets in restaurants and other public places must include the full spectrum as to give the patron a free choice. (Go with the flow)

People can then have something to smile about once more.

Even potty training can become fun…”Come honey, do a Manto for mommy.”

During load shedding a phosphorous coated figure of Alec Erwin or Eskom management can take one’s mind off the uncalled for hardship.

On second thoughts…I’m going to patent this idea to be used on all politicians the world over

A time for prayer

2008-02-07T00:07:00.000-08:00

O, God!

Despite a great many prayers to You we are continually losing our wars. Tomorrow we shall again be fighting a battle that is truly great. With all our might we need Your help and that is why I must tell You something: This battle tomorrow is going to be a serious affair. There will be no place for children. Therefore I must ask You not to send Your Son to help us. Come Yourself.

The prayer of Koq, leader of the Griquas tribe, before a battle with the Afrikaners in 1876.

I don’t intend moving

2008-01-27T04:17:00.000-08:00

I have a wonderful view from my home office window. I often catch myself daydreaming and staring at the park and the wooded area with up-market housing in the distance.

Today the view is absolutely breathtaking. Everything is green. It is a bright sunny day without any breeze blowing. One can tell from the motionless national flags that most fly with pride. The temperature is about 7 degrees Celsius as it has been every day for the past couple of weeks. People are out in numbers enjoying the wonderful weather and flora. Apparently the wild mushrooms are available in abundance. Roses are budding in the Southern part of this country, lovely!

So what is wrong with this picture?

It is Jan 27^th, 2008, in the middle of winter in Stockholm.

The snow should be at least a meter thick with an average temperature of minus 12 to minus 15 degrees Celsius. (Minus 25 degrees Celsius is not uncommon for this time of year)

It should also be grey and overcast as almost to be dark.

Is this global warming?

Indeed it is! In our lifetime we are reaping the result of our rape of the planet. This is not some theoretical prediction that can be shrugged off as a matter concerning the future generations. Something needs to be done now.

My need to address global warming is a bit more selfish.

I still need to try out the boots I bought last year. I will look really stupid if I was to wear Arctic clothing without snow on the ground.

In only 5 years things have taken a turn for the worse. Boots and thermal underwear that was very much needed at the time, are now laughing in my face.

I am not complaining. According to a study Scandinavian countries stand to benefit the most from global warming.

As for the rest of the world, just spread your legs and bend over…

Long Live the Dead

2008-01-27T03:13:00.000-08:00

I decided to become a spokesperson for the dead. We hear too little from them. They get exploited by so-called mediums as well as TV-personalities and nobody deems it fit to challenge their point of view. Enough I say. From now on I will fight for the rights of our dearly departed and endeavor to make exploitation of the said group as unfashionable as seal clubbing. They have basic rights to decency and privacy, something that everyone seems to ignore.

I find it immensely satisfying that my grandparents and parents are now being exposed as blatant bloody liars. They were the ones that repeatedly told me that no such thing as “ghosts” exist and I knew all along that they were lying. (I’ll bet anything that they were silently shit-scared themselves when telling me not to be silly)

I’ve always been a little bit fey and have grown used to my “friends” showing up at all times and hanging around, reading over my shoulder when I type. The telltale signs of activity is normally associated with a sudden drop in temperature (I physically shiver) and the hairs on the back of my neck rising. Whenever this happens I just casually say “hi” and have yet to get an answer back. It does not matter. I feel their presence and seldom feel threatened as most are not malevolent entities. When I do feel threatened I firmly tell them to leave me alone and that have worked until now. I believe they have manners.

What really gets my goat are these dumb pricks on TV asking spirits to either give them a sign or show themselves. Can’t they realize that a request like that is about as on par as an Earthling accepting an invitation from a bunch of Aliens to come for an anal probe? Would you go willingly for such an encounter? I sure as hell would decline.

Leave the dead alone. They guard over us.

Time flies when you’re having fun

2008-01-17T02:53:00.000-08:00

Hi,

I’m back.

I wish I had a sexy excuse like participating in a campaign of rolling mass action to bring a dictatorship to its knees forcing it not only to the negotiation table but also towards democratic elections and implementation of basic human rights. Mass-action that includes but is not restricted to; civil-disobedience, consumer boycotts, strikes, stay-aways, protest marches and yes, limited armed action. In effect a low-level civil-war that takes up all of one’s time and keeps one away from cyberspace.

However, I do not have that excuse. I suffered from SAD (winter depression) and also had a major computer crash which made me decide to hell with it all. I thus went into a lazy sulk and could not be bothered to try and network or keep in touch with my friends. (I lost more than 200 gigabyte of music that was not backed up anywhere else. We are talking about 33000 albums so it’s no wonder I’m a bit fed-up. More than 80% of it was old rock and roll that one cannot find anymore.)

Revolutionary activity sounds so much sexier than just goofing off. I’m therefore sticking with participation in mass-action as excuse for my absence.

I made no New Year’s resolutions. Why bother? I gave up both drinking and smoking in 2007 and will not consider celibacy as yet. I will also not make any predictions as its common knowledge that the planet is totally fucked-up by humans who just do not care a rat’s arse about the future. Any prophecy of doom will thus be accurate to some extent.

I will just carry on with my old quest of trying to be as truthful and kind to the woman in my life and try to love my children more. That is an achievable goal and the only one I live by. I’m done with trying to change the world.

I’m also going to try and sell more books. The reason why I blog is to sell books. If you do not have a copy yet, follow these links, and buy the damn thing:

UK and Europe

USA

South Africa

I’m also available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble and numerous others.

With my next post I’ll discuss the plight of the dead. We hear too little from them.

A Suggestion to you Thought Leaders in South Africa

2007-11-27T06:18:00.000-08:00

Here's a thought.

Let us start a debate about something that really matters in South Africa. As far as I know the President is not dead nor has he achieved Divine status and thus in need of 3rd party intervention to be able to communicate with his mortal subjects.

He can speak for himself.

As a public servant that gets paid a lot of money he needs to get his head out of his backside and state his case.

I could not care a rat’s arse who is right in this flaming debate about what Thabo Mbeki thinks about AIDS.
It does not matter.
As it now stands it’s a self-serving exercise of promoting books by authors and would be authors alike.

It turned into a competition to see who can quote themselves the most and is not unlike an argument amongst little kids stating: “Ignore him, look at me and how clever I am.”

These self-proclaimed intellectuals (and yes there is proof of that as well) forget that many definitions perceive intellectuals as impervious to propaganda, indoctrination, and self-deception.
By their antics they prove that they are not impervious to self-deception.

The debate I have in mind is something along the lines of 'the plight of the sexually abused children in South Africa.’
Some constructive thoughts on how this monumental problem can be alleviated.

Let us pool all of that brainpower now wasted on RSR and debate about solutions that can be tested and implemented to stop little children from feeling alone, terrified and abandoned by everyone.
Something that can shake the politicians out of their lethargy and make them consider the most vulnerable of the population.

I for one would like to hear where Thabo Mbeki stand on this issue and why the problem is left to underfunded NGO’s and charities.

But like with AIDS it will be left to self-appointed ‘powers behind the throne’ to spell out what Mbeki thinks.

Intellectual or Charlatan?

2007-11-24T04:49:00.000-08:00

What makes a person an intellectual?

To us plebs it’s one of those words that you’re sure you know exactly what it means but ultimately, when asked to explain, don’t. I asked a few friends in my local pub what they thought it meant. The responses varied from ‘clever and different’ to ‘clever and trying to get a message across.’ All had romantic connotations with the term and conjured up images of Soviet dissidents and other opinion formers that brought about change to society. To my friends the term implies ‘somebody clever that tries to bring about change for the good.’ They also defined it as someone with a superior intellect. When asked to explain how this intellect is measured they were all at loss for an answer.

According to Wikipedia, which I will quote generously, “an intellectual is one who tries to use his or her intellect to work, study, reflect, speculate, or ask and answer questions about a wide variety of different ideas.”

This definition seemed a bit too all-inclusive so I delved further.

‘The expression “man of letters”, has been used in many cultures to describe contemporary intellectuals. The term implied a distinction between those "who knew their letters" and those who did not. The distinction thus had great weight when literacy was not widespread.’

So with literacy now widespread and the ability to express oneself with the written word thus of not such a great distinction, the question remains: How can we conclude someone is an intellectual?

Clearly the ability to string ambiguous and important sounding sentences together does not automatically qualify one as an intellectual. Not anymore. I would venture that the opposite is true because anyone with some form of intellect will take into consideration the level on which people communicate and thus adapt the style of writing to be understood by all. Charlatans use indistinct terminology to masquerade as something they are not; using words as the magician uses props. Safe in the knowledge that most who do not really understand will subconsciously categorize it as something too clever for them and consequently something they will not voice their opinion about because it can, and will, expose their ignorance.

I guess what I’m saying is that the ability to bullshit does not automatically equate to intellect. It just makes for more entertainment when the bullshitter happens to be intelligent as well.

Nowhere does any definition describe the term intellectual as someone who ridicules those who are not considered intellectuals or those that disagree with them. Yet this seems to be something that’s often a prominent feature amongst the self-appointed intellectuals.

This brings me to Ronald Suresh Roberts.

Is he an intellectual, charlatan or both?

When will he move on to become the self-appointed ‘power behind the throne’ in yet another third world country and where will this be?

Will he go down in history as an intellectual that my grandchildren will learn about at school?

I shudder at the thought.

“In many definitions, intellectuals are perceived as impervious to propaganda, indoctrination, and self-deception.”

That Ronnie is not.

I will rather go with the Dutch definition of an intellectual as someone who has ‘unrealistic visions of the world,’ or the Hungarian one as being ‘too clever’ or an ‘egg-head.’

It just seems more applicable in this case.

SAD Can Kill You

2007-11-19T05:55:00.000-08:00

I need to explain why I have been so quiet of late

I’ve been living in the Northern hemisphere for more than five years now. Winters with snow were a novelty for a Boertjie from the Southern tip of Africa. So what if it gets minus 25 degrees Celsius? You can dress up warm and don’t have to be out in the elements for more than a few minutes at a time. That however, wears off and after four winters one begins to swear along with the rest the moment it starts getting colder.

Sweden has the highest suicide rate in the world. A lot of people scoff at this and blame it on Swedish efficiency i.e. Sweden was the first country in the world that kept statistics of suicides. The rest of the world is only starting to wake up now and their records thus not as up to date as the Swedes.

Another reason put forward for the high suicide figures is SAD. (Seasonal Affective Disorder) A terrible depression brought on by the lack of daylight. Over and above the feeling of utter worthlessness one struggles to get out of bed and have absolutely no energy. Typing one line on a computer seems to be just too much effort and thus do not materialize.

Fortunately the treatment for this disorder is simple and fast. Light therapy is effective in 85% of diagnosed cases within four days. What it entails is one to two hours exposure per day to a light source with at least ten times the intensity of ordinary domestic lighting. One sits about three feet away from the box housing these lights and can carry on with tasks like reading or writing. Staring directly into the light is not necessary but also not harmful to the eyes.

Unfortunately the diagnoses for this disorder are not so straight-forward. Primarily because the symptoms include misery, guilt and loss of self-esteem and are thus slow to be acknowledged by the afflicted. Avoidance of social contact is also very common.

SAD hit me about a week ago and I can vouch for its destructive capabilities.

A few more treatments to light and I will be back to my normal revolting self again.

I Am Blessed

2007-11-10T04:49:00.000-08:00

I am one lucky bastard. So far this month I’ve won the e-mail lottery for seven different countries. They just keep on rolling in. I’ve lost track of my winnings and need to start claiming as my winning tickets will expire soon. I am worth millions!

Over and above my lottery winnings (that I never bought a ticket for) my honesty and secrecy started paying off as well. No less than four widows of prominent African leaders have approached me to help out with a financial venture. I can not share the details because of a confidentiality clause but rest assured that I’m going to get a bumper sticker that reads: “fuck the poor”

I’m going to spend some of my winnings to have my penis enlarged. I think I’ll buy treatment for enough sessions to gain about 30 cms in length. I don’t want to be greedy and don’t need more. I will also buy up all the Viagra and Cialis stocks available on the market. I will use this monopoly to boost my retirement fund.

Do people really fall for these e-mail scams? Someone must. Why else will they still be in circulation?

F#¤&!$G Applications on Facebook

2007-11-07T06:24:00.000-08:00

Pox on the next one that sends me an invitation to another useless shitty application on Facebook.

May the fleas of a thousand camels seek refuge in your pubic hair!

May your fingers turn into fish-hooks and may you develop an unbearable itch in your crotch!

Get the message?

Enough with this crap!

I do not need to be invited to the application to; “kick a friend in the goonads and then hold him down to search for blackheads on his arse.”

If you want to send me drinks then use PayPal. Either directly to me or to my local. I will gladly forward you the particulars.

Jösses people!

Grow up!

You do not need an application to tell someone you love and miss them.

Remember words?

Use them.

An Attempt at Prayer

2007-11-03T10:46:00.000-07:00

Hi God,

I’m new at this prayer business so bear with my efforts. I do not believe in any form of religion so I can not go and ask for advice at places of worship. I do however believe in a Creator (You). In my quest to do this right I did do a search on the web for examples of prayers. I found various sites sporting prayers and letters to you and your son. Most were preposterous pleadings for help and I can not bring myself to believe that, that is what you want to hear. I will thus state my case in my normal manner and hope it meets with your approval.

How are things with the universe and all of that quantum physics that makes it work? Rather you than me because maths was never my strongest subject at school and I find black-holes as well time-worms if not boring somewhat frightening. Supernovas and all of that exploding as well as imploding is more my style. Give me a good chunk of anti-matter any day and you’ll see what happens to my enemies.

Please accept my belated congratulations. Creation is truly an amazing achievement. I have to ask this; how did you come up with the idea? I mean it’s not like you went on holiday and saw it somewhere else and decided to copy it. Please share your thought process at the time as I truly enjoy and appreciate a creative and gifted mind. While I’m on the topic, have you got a video or colour photograph of the Big Bang? Even an artist impression of the real thing would do. I am desperate to get a poster size print for my study. Kindly let me have the link where one can place orders. (I have tried Google and the Vatican website with no success.)

You will notice that I write to you directly as I’m of the opinion that the buck gets passed too often on this planet. I therefore ignore your Son and his Mother. As I very seldom approach them I don’t think they’ll mind. I also do not blame them, like people I know, when things go wrong. I do not really have a working relationship with them. I hope they’ll understand.

I need to get a few things off my chest. I realise that I should pretend that you know about these activities because religion will have us believe that you are omnipotent and know what is happening everywhere all the time. However, lack of action on your behalf leads me to believe that your PR department has screwed up in informing you about certain events. I thus volunteer to act as one of your sources and will henceforth, on a regular basis, compile and send you an intelligence summary as to ensure that the incidents I care about have been brought to your attention. In the process I will point out aspects where action is long overdue. Kindly ignore my suggestions if you have other eternal plans that I can not comprehend. Mine will always be only suggestions.

As this is a new initiative I will address only one problem with this communiqué. Future efforts might cover more than one.

I would now like to turn your attention to a breed of people called politicians. I have a serious problem with them and am sure you will have as well once you’ve taken all the facts into consideration. These people wage war in your name and generally just screw up everything they get into touch with. (You probably have it all on file and just need to read up about it.) Quite frankly, I can not understand why you do not make at least one combust spontaneously every week or so. They really do deserve it.

Consider simultaneous detonation of their capillaries and have them bleed from eyes, ears and nose, one a week, on live international television. CNN should do the trick. Not only will this act as deterrent for all of those idiots using your name in vain but it will also be entertaining for us mortals who have to suffer under these people. I do not want to dictate what your priorities should be and also realise that a lot of people will disagree but in my humble opinion you can ignore George W Bush for the time being and start on the politicians of Southern Africa. Robert Mugabe to be more specific, closely followed by the ANC ones who are killing their electorate with incompetence. Thereafter you can turn your attention to the bigger picture.

Once the politicians have been dealt with you can start on other pressing issues. I will endeavour to list a few in future communications. The interaction between “men of the cloth” and choirboys come to mind. I will however deal with that later.

On a lighter note; about nine months ago I’ve also managed to walk on water.
Only here we call it ice.
Haha!
Sorry.
I realise my attempts at humour will always be a bit crass and of the barrack-room variety.

Your humble servant.

Gerrie (The guy that moved to Sweden)

This Made Me Think

2007-11-03T07:30:00.000-07:00

I got this per e-mail.

Imagine who would have such taste and live in such opulence?
An American Billionaire?
A Saudi Prince?
Louis XIV of France?
Savor the pictures then scroll to the bottom of the page to see who owns this Work of Art.

This Mansion is in Harare and belongs to:

The President of Zimbabwe

Robert Mugabe -

a maniac, mass-murderer whose people are starving while he siphons millions into his own pockets.

And the world, including closest neighbor South Africa stands by and watches.

C'mon Mbeki! Wake up!

Shooting the Bull

2007-11-01T03:38:00.000-07:00

I have a PhD that served me well over the years. No, not a doctorate but a well developed “Pooh Detector” that acted like a guardian angel and kept me at arms length from objectionable material most of the time. However, I just read an excerpt from “Fit to Govern.”

I never knew so many sophisticated and ambiguous expressions existed.

I’m going get me a copy and read a page every night to help me fall asleep.

As I still struggle with difficult terms in English like “is” and “was” I decided to write my adaptation of “Fit to Govern.”

My effort is not mystifying. All it entails is a comparison between political proficiency (capacity to govern) and marksmanship.

I thus put forward my version of “Fit to Govern”, exemplified by how well the politicians in question can shoot. (My account makes for so much easier reading.)

This is how I see it:

Nelson Mandela — will always be number one sniper to be deployed in the most desperate of situations when one needs to get the job done. He can name his price.

Swedish Politicians — can be left alone as they will hit the target 50% of the time, adhere to safety regulations and spend the rest of the time in meetings discussing the merit of each and every shot fired. They are also very fond of special committees where some more discussing can be done and therefore worth their salaries.

Robert Mugabe — to be terminated with extreme prejudice as he could not hit any target and thus decided to blow up all the shooting ranges. He is still armed. Sulking and sitting in the middle of fuck-all, looking for a target. Name your price to cull this abhorrent viral strain.

Thabo Mbeki — can not be allowed close to any shooting range as he failed the entry exam for eight consecutive years. He is yet to hit a cow’s arse with a double-barrelled shotgun at five feet. And yet he earns almost R 2 million annually.

I thus disagree with Ronald.

Shock! Horror! Is Mbeki Lying?

2007-10-28T05:30:00.000-07:00

Fortunately I’m not the type of person that would refer to the president of a country as “a fucking unrepentant liar that should be strung up by his feet.”

Thanks goodness for that else this Blog would have been full of expletives and derogatory statements.

However, someone is lying.

You decide who it is.

In the green corner we have Thabo Mbeki the president of South Africa and the ANC who is clearly busy with election campaigning and stating that GEAR (Growth, Employment and Redistribution Strategy) was making steady progress in meeting the basic needs of poor people. Things are thus improving according to Mbeki as reported in this article dated October 26th.

In the red corner we have Zwelinzima Viva the General Secretary of COSATU. (Congress of South African Trade Unions) who maintains that GEAR has led to the scandalous situation of a supposedly "booming" economy that left 40% of workers unemployed.
Viva also said that: “Unemployed and casual workers were better off under apartheid than now.”
Earlier this year he clashed with Mbeki by saying the country's economic growth was merely a government ploy to create hype and no different to Nazi propaganda. (Read the full article dated October 27th here.)

Mbeki have rubbished Vavi’s statements as shameless fabrication by the "left alternative" to discredit the ANC.

Clearly the honeymoon is now over between these previously staunch allies.

Mbeki based his opinions on the results of a Community Survey 2007 published by Statistics South Africa. (An important sounding name for an organisation that can not even give you the correct population figures for South Africa to the nearest 10 million.)

Viva on the other hand is a trade union representative and thus exposed to wage and employment facts and figures on a daily basis.

Who would you have listened to?

The Week After

2007-10-27T05:21:00.000-07:00

One week after winning the Rugby World Cup what does one find?

Winning the trophy did not cure one case of AIDS in South Africa and neither did it make a dent in the crime statistics. Lucky Dube is still dead and children are still abused sexually in startling high numbers.

Politicians are still corrupt and the president himself still covers for these criminals by interfering in the judicial process. Judges still defeat justice and seem to get away with it.

The Daily Dispatch newspaper still can not get their Saturday edition online in time and their editorial staff still acts like spoilt brats about it i.e. They ignore the problem.

Race relations are at an all time low and investors are starting to have their doubts about South Africa.

Robert Mugabe is still a saint and no plans for an invasion to topple him from power are on the cards yet.

The government is still screwing with your screwing by not producing a trustworthy condom.

Eish!

Anyone having second thoughts about elevating Mbeki to hero status last weekend?

The South African Rubber Scandal

2007-10-25T07:26:00.000-07:00

Only in South Africa, a place where one sometimes can believe as many as six impossible things before breakfast, or a place where Urban Legends are actually true!

Herewith a rough translation from a Swedish Newspaper article dated October 25th: (It is not known whether these things were reported in the South African media at the time.)

For the second time within an embarrassingly short space of time, the South African Ministry of Health has been forced to withdraw from the market no less than 5 million condoms. The rubber used was simply not up to standard and the weasel went “pop” on a regular basis. One can only imagine the anger, surprise and horror amongst those using these defect “safety measures.”

But to say that the condoms were withdrawn from “the market” is a bit of a misnomer. Most, if not all, were handed out for free at clinics, hospitals and places of employment in a somewhat futile exercise to prevent unwanted pregnancies and the spreading of HIV.

The previous incident where condoms proved to be of a much too poor quality to actually use occurred in August this year. A corrupt official at the South Africa control-board neglected the recommendations and rules as set up by the World Health Organisation and ISO. For an undisclosed fee this official turned a blind eye to all the control mechanisms and evidence of inferior quality. (No evidence of the prosecution of this individual or the manufacturer for premeditated mass-murder can be found either.)

The Government has placed an order with 8 different companies for 850 million condoms for the next two years. The deal is said to be worth some R180 million.

One can only hope that these somewhat mind-boggling series of events involving condoms won’t take us back to what happened in 1999. The Government distributed free condoms with a leaflet describing how to use them. Good thought, disastrous result. Why? For one simple reason; the condom had been stapled together with the leaflet, causing ready made holes in the condoms. It is rumoured that the Minister of Health was embarrassed over the fiasco.

She has all the reason in the world to continue being embarrassed as the Ministry of Health still can’t provide a reliable piece of rubber in a country that suffers 400 000 AIDS mortalities annually.

Screwing is More Important than Rugby

2007-10-25T03:38:00.000-07:00

South African rugby fans might be horrified to learn that the only mention of South Africa this past week in Swedish media have been an article about the forced withdrawal of 5 million sub standard condoms by the Ministry for Health.

The articles continue to state that this is the second time that the Ministry for Health has been forced to take back condoms that do not meet the standards of the World Health Organisation and hint at corruption as a reason for the poor quality of the condoms. The previous condom-retraction was as recent as in August where a civil servant overlooked the poor quality, for a back-hand, thus making a nice addition to his normal income.

The South African Government has placed an order with 8 different companies for the manufacturing of 850 million condoms for the coming 2 years. (R180 million)
We live in fucking interesting times.

Trust the Swedes to put things into perspective.

Screwing is far more important than rugby.

The World Cup and Human Senses

2007-10-22T05:08:00.000-07:00

Let us get one thing straight from the outset. Commentators that do not know the rules of the game should not be allowed to spread propaganda to a nation and have everybody up in arms with “we’ve been done in.” The effort by Mark Cueto was not a try. His foot was clearly on the touchline long before the ball got grounded. End of story.

Scienctists now maintain that humans have more than five senses and I am all for it. I can think of a few more. We have movement detection as well as heat sensors and whether the critics want to admit it or not some people do have the ability to communicate with the dead. However, to state that rugby players have the ability to detect when it’s a try or not is pushing things a bit. Mark Cueto should go and preach that to the lost tribes in the Amazon who still worship toenail clippings. He could feel it was a try my arse.

A score of at least 19 to 3 would also be a more accurate reflection of the game. By all rights South Africa should have been awarded at least one penalty try and England should have played with 13 men. Two blatant offences worthy of red cards were obvious even to the totally uninitiated. When you run slap bang into the back of a member of the opposing team you should not get a penalty, and thus three points, either.

Stop whining. The English players had to admit, albeit grudgingly, that South Africa deserved to win. No surprises with the result and congratulations to South Africa. It makes me want to consider moving back to the hell-hole where I was born. A quick lie down and reflection on crime statistics rids me of that notion though.

And then we have the South Africans who in turn are up in arms because the English players “snubbed” Mbeki. (I actually thought it was a nice touch and it enhanced the intensity of the moment for me.) These are the very same people who will leave the room if Mbeki gets up to say a few words and they view him as a charlatan masquerading as political leader. Not one of these people is blind to his obvious shortcomings as leader of South Africa. They all believe that time has now come for him to step down.

Maybe this is why his outstretched hand was ignored and just passed over. It could also be due to the fact that he is a short shit and that most did not recognise him. Whatever the reason, it still left me with a tremendous respect for the English team. There and then the whole event was turned it into a super world cup.

Well done!

Politics and sport are things that do not go well together. I think it should be kept that way. For any politician trying to score brownie-points by a token appearance at a sporting event like this is a crying shame. This poor excuse of a political leader had no bloody right to be in that arena and should have been booed off the pitch. He tainted a glorious event with his presence.

If you think I’m too harsh, just check up on his recent antics and also calculate how many people he allowed to die because of lack of proper health care, a staggering crime rate and the judicial system falling to pieces. He is the political leader of a country with one of the highest child abuse figures in the world and he does absolutely nothing about it. In my book it is hard to show respect for any political leader who let things like that happen to his country and to his fellow countrymen. Respect is earned, not something that automatically comes with the title “president”. Some parts of the population in South Africa conveniently enough, do not make that distinction.

And come to think of it, is there any reason at all why Mbeki should be recognised by English rugby players? Only South African politicians labour under the delusion that they govern a first world country and that the rest of the world takes them serious. It might surprise them to learn that they are very seldom mentioned in the international media. But I guess megalomania can do strange things to people. Just look at Robert Mugabe as example.

Would any sane person complain if it had been Mugabe who was at the receiving end of the alleged snubbing and not Mbeki. Exactly what is the difference between the two “leaders”? Both seem to do an excellent job of leading their countries back to the dark ages. Isn’t it rather a sign of sanity when disapproval against self-proclaimed omnipotent leaders is shown?

Credit to the English players for that.