The first week of the New Year! How exciting, promising, tantalizing, and glad that we could end the previous year surrounded by the many family members including many grandchildren. It was truly exhilarating to have young and old together as we celebrated Christmas the German way with real candles on the tree, singing, praying, and enjoying the annual performance by our grandchildren of the story of Christmas (which by now is depicted with more humor than serious intentions) and of course eating traditional German Christmas delicacies. Now it’s over and we all are recovering slowly, day by day.

Now, as is also usual, I am in my office going through much of my work in an attempt to sort out what I want to keep (which is most of it), and which I can discard. It’s quite an undertaking. It’s actually quite relaxing, because I can revisit the many newsletters and good wishes from my providers and my clients. I take the time to really savor these intimate writings that fill my heart and for which I provide a permanent place to resource when I am in need of support or validation. Oh yes, I do get down sometimes which really makes me feel human and part of the rhythm of life. Invariably I feel recharged and connected with all.

One other activity I engage in is to go through the many books on my shelves – recently purchased ones and older ones and simply pick one out that suits my mood. It’s quite interesting to me that when I find myself in this reflective mood I usually choose a book that without realizing initially resonates with me once I stick my nose in it. This time was no different. I chose The Pleasure Prescription by Paul Pearsall (1996) which I had read more than once, judging from my various comments on the sides of the pages. The Subtitle reads: To Love, to Work, to Play – Life in the Balance. Ah, my first thoughts were, yes, I relate very much to the first three – but – Life in the Balance? No, I am really not good at it. While I genuinely love people, life, and my work, I forget to balance. You know the old saying “Don’t do as I do” – have you ever felt this way? And isn’t it great to know that your teacher, coach and/or therapist is imperfect?

While I re-read the whole book, I particularly enjoyed Chapter 6. Wouldn’t you know, it’s about addictions – where I spend many hours reading, researching, writing programs and working with my clients? Here is what Dr. Pearsall reminded me of – that addiction is natural – yes, natural and the active use of our endorphins are necessary to keep us happy and strong. How on earth? Because it is adaptive, it assists us in learning what is good for us. Dr. Pearsall an Psychoneuroimmunologist (goodness, this word is almost as long as German words tend to be) has joined other researchers to unravel the bias of brain over mind (see references below). Let it suffice that feeling good is essential and positive and a natural internal stimulant provided by our Endorphins located in the limbic system of the brain. No doubt you all are already acquainted with that. The penalty for trying to create experiences that provide us with an ongoing high we unfortunately manage to create our own crash soon after as every “unhealthily” addicted person can attest. Sylvan Tomkins has demonstrated that no emotion can stay for very long be it happy or feeling low, we human beings are wired to provide relief for ourselves without having to extend much effort. So what is the solution? Pearsall suggests developing our 7th sense which means we can learn what is sufficient and savor the process, linger in the comfort of feeling good and become comfortable and at peace with fluctuations in mood.

Those of you who have studied with me have learned that the answer to our own tendencies is to savor our experiences, to lean into them, may they seem happy-making or painful; savor getting up in the morning and appreciably breathe deeply. Take note of what is missing and give it space in your life to resolve without pressure of immediacy, but don’t stress out over it if you don’t have an instantaneous resolution. Our 7th sense enables us to moderate our feelings and thinking, to synthesize what is and above all savor the process. Upon closer examination we can discover that “being” is precious, that we need little more than feeling “sufficient” with whom we are and what we have. Being addicted to more doesn’t bring peace of mind, rather it disallows us to learn who we are and can be and learn to embrace all aspects of ourselves.

Pearsall provides some suggestions for what is healthy and unhealthy, what a mild dose of natural stimulant will provide versus a large dose of internal stimulant. If we seek increased thrills to get high, we’ll only crash because more isn’t ever quite enough again (Pearsall, pg. 83). So when you are attempting to Gestalt Your Day, consider the following:

Healthy:                                            Unhealthy:

Slow, controlled                                fast, uncontrolled
No build-up of tolerance               build-up of tolerance
Enough is enough                             need more and more
Feels “Just right”                              gets “too high” and “too low”
Life energizing                                   all-consuming
Enhance relationships                   destroys relationships
Mind-controlled                               brain-controlled

I wish you well throughout this coming year, learn to enjoy a healthy, biologically available addiction and keep in mind what Pearsall suggests, namely that we don’t get killed by stress but by too little joy in our lives. And those of you, who want some assistance in turning your life into the right direction, I have much to offer you to resolve your difficulties and become all you can be, at peace with yourself and in appreciation of your learning, growing, struggling Self.

Resources for Your Reading Pleasure:

Emotional Intelligence – Daniel Goleman

The Feeling of What Happens – Antonio Damasio

The Developing Mind – Daniel Siegel

Affect, Imagery and Consciousness – Sylvan Tomkin

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This is the time of year when warm Thanksgiving memories are still lingering yet become rather forcefully pushed aside by the excitement of planning and shopping for the forthcoming Christmas/Holidays Season only a couple of weeks away. It began in the early morning hours the day after Thanksgiving and is gaining momentum daily touching every aspect of our lives. We are beseeched  by requests for charitable contributions (in itself a good thing); dozens of colorful catalogs attempting to seduce us with sales – new gadgets, bigger and better things for less money – oh, let’s not forget no postage! Radio and TV advertising is at a fever pitch as is unsolicited advice via emails.  Although well intended, it’s more than annoying to consider during this potentially lovely betwixt and between time to be asked to reflect on 3 things that went well this past year, 5 experiences that failed; how to improve business/income in spite of the recession, and, let’s not forget – list some New Years resolution rather prematurely. Rather than still feeling warm and fuzzy and looking forward to the Holiday season, I feel like I am attacked by a swarm of gnats that I am unsuccessfully trying to get rid off.  Scrooge? Not quite yet but getting there unless I find a way of turning away and inward.

Betwixt and between – Personal Reflections:

I enjoy December and the Advent season, making an advent wreath and in anticipation of Christmas, light one of four candles each week. I like listening to classical music, opera, and Christmas music and love participating in, hearing and reading about different religious and ethnic traditions; as such I feel soulful and part of all humanity.

My favorite activity, however, is baking. I love to bake German Stollen, Linzertorte, and cookies and have the most fun giving them away to friends, people I love and appreciate, mailman, paperboy, garbage men – you name it!

Here is a sweet story (no pun intended). For Thanksgiving, I mailed a Stollen to Alastair Greenstreet, my incredible web designer, and his wife, Karyn, my indispensable business coach. Here is Aly’s response: “I felt prose rise up forth from my beating breast and into poetry.

Ode to a Stollen:
Standing here tonight
Anticipating a sensory delight
A stollen! A stollen!
You are mine tonight.”

If you could hear his voice, your heart would melt – mine certainly did. Aly even made a voice recording for me, but that’s mine and mine alone!  - no, sorry, not for sale.

Amazing, as I am writing these last few sentences, I am very aware that I no longer feel disgruntled but rather happy. I am smiling realizing how blessed I am and in awe that if I listen to my soul rather than the outside noise, I am happy and can touch peoples lives authentically, creating a spark of happiness in them as well. That is what betwixt and between for me is all about.

So, how about you?

Above, I wrote of my displeasure for giving unsolicited advice. Yet, here I go. It is something that I do myself on a daily basis. It’s easy to do, takes only 2 minutes and four seconds, literally, and makes a significant difference in your personal and professional well being. You can do this if you stand, sit, walk, ride in the car, while shopping. Try it, you’ll like it. Do each part four times.

• Inhale slowly to the count of four with mouth closed
• Exhale slowly to the count of four with mouth open
• Inhale slowly to the count of four with mouth closed
• Exhale slowly to the count of four with a sigh
• Inhale slowly to the count of four with mouth closed
• Exhale slowly to the count of four, open mouth and smile
• Inhale slowly to the count of four with mouth closed
• Exhale slowly to the count of four with mouth open and say ha, ha, ha, ha.

Breathing is generally considered beneficial. However, a voice coach taught me similar breathing exercises and ways to use these in a highly focused way so that they can have an accumulative effect. This is particularly important for those of you who work with the public, give classes, or work with clients individually or in groups.

Please let me know if you find these little exercises helpful.

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In my 12-session training course – Beyond-Recovery – I spend one class on the power of and enriching possibilities that result from expressing gratitude for both, the individual and the intended recipient. The goal of the exercise below is for you to experience the power of expressing your gratitude to someone who has touched your life – not in a perfunctory way but with much forethought and effort on your part. In preparation for this undertaking I encourage you to the Gratitude Survey on the website www.AuthenticHappiness.com.

1. Reflect on someone who was very influential in your life that you have never really specifically thanked for the positive influences they/he/she had on you. Maybe a phone call or note might be a lovely surprise for the recipient.
2. You are a healthy human being, if not physically, then in spirit. Visit a nursing home or make a donation to a worthy cause with a note of thanks for the hard work others provide to care for the individuals.
3. Express gratitude to your mailman for bringing you your mail no matter what the weather; the same to the garbage people who faithfully pick up your trash in rain, snow.
4. UNICEF, CARE, many organization embrace caring for the poor and sick in other countries even though the Helpers often endanger their own lives.

The list is endless. Now I have some questions that you might want to ask yourself to savor your generosity and gratitude; being grateful always brings good feelings to yourself and others around you.

1. How do you imagine how you may feel enriched by expressing gratitude to someone?
2. How do you imagine the recipient may feel?
3. Did you recall the positive effects of this experience in the days that followed?
4. How much time and energy would you be willing to invest into making expressing gratitude a new habit that will change you and has positive impact on others and thus creating a better, happier world?

Whatever you decide to do with the above suggestions is certainly your decision. Personally, I hope that you will feel fuller and enriched by whatever you undertake.

A little personal expression of gratitude is to the individuals who made my emigrating to the United States a possibility as the result of donating  $1.— to CARE for an Army ration package to my family right after horrible WWII  and my parents’ written expression of gratitude in response to the donors in the United States.

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Confession:

I am sitting here rather shame-faced because I promised you two years ago that I would write to you regularly; so much for good and honest intentions.  Would you believe it, my last blog/newsletter was written on my birthday, March 28. 2011. Seems like such a long time ago, 7 months to be exact. What happened? My impulsive response – “I don’t know “- didn’t sound believable even to me. Upon reflecting, actually much has happened; there were earthquakes, tsunami, many wars, economic woes, failed mortgages, unemployment, diseases, poverty, flooding, and draught all over the world with no end in sight to this date. Is there such a thing as feeling guilty for being so impacted by these tragedies because I am one of the more fortunate ones? I guess its survivor guilt which is all too familiar to me from my childhood. However that, too, is non-sense and for a $1.75 would buy me a cup of Starbucks coffee. I have no clear answers to calm myself and begin re-focusing on what I love to do most – working with you and caring for my clients, friends and family. I have become ambivalent and riddled by indecisions that I think it only fair to you and best for me to bite the bullet and speak openly of what has been going on for me. I don’t know if any of you ever get such a feeling of suddenly questioning if what you are doing daily has purpose, is meaningful and matters at all? Everything I considered had question marks, it was really maddening. You know questions like: Should I retire, should I go back to practicing therapy, is coaching really the thing to do during these hard times? Or, should I leave all I have worked toward and offer myself to volunteer services? While I wouldn’t be surprised if you answered yes, of course, who doesn’t question life, I for one have decided that enough is enough, that the answer will come when I am ready and available to accept it. I guess it’s called trust and patience. Thank goodness that I have my large garden where I can tend to flowers, say hello to the birds, squirrel and deer and feel one with nature. I have lots of blessings.

And where are you?

I hope that I didn’t depress anyone with my woes, temporary as they may have been. I am thinking with support and a warm heart of the many people I mentioned above, those who have no choices and must endure, no matter what. I smile when I think of my clients who are working so hard creating a syntonic life; the addicted/recovered people who surprise everyone because they succeed, the older people who embody the wisdom of a lifetime and smile at our meanderings and doubts, and last but not least everyone who touches our lives and we have the privilege of touching theirs.

I want to end this blog with a very lovely and soothing poem by Reiner Maria Rilke

And my dearest good wishes for a lovely Day.

Until next month…………I promise!

The Waking by Reiner Maria Rilke

I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.
I learn by going where I have to go.

We think by feeling. What is there to know?
I hear my being dance from ear to ear.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Of those so close beside me, which are you? ‘.
God bless the Ground! I shall walk softly there,
And learn by going where I have to go.

Light takes the Tree; but who can tell us how?
The lowly worm climbs up a winding stair;
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Great Nature has another thing to do
To you and me, so take the lively air,
And, lovely, learn by going where to go.

This shaking keeps me steady. I should know.
What falls away is always. And is near.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I learn by going where I have to go.

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How About that:

Yesterday was my 78th Birthday. Yup!  All day long! I must admit that I really do not relate to the number 78. I know that I am a very fortunate person. I have a wonderful husband four equally great children and eleven grandchildren; everyone is healthy and caring, loving life in all its diversity, challenges, joys and disappointments. I am asking myself, why am I writing all this? Certainly the big wide world of the internet isn’t interested in that little bit of insignificant information. Well, when I sat down to write my newsletter I reflected on a message and thought that perhaps to simply write spontaneously what’s on my mind at the moment might be the best way. So here it is.

As I reflect on my life, which I usually do on my birthday, I realize more every year how extraordinary my first 20 years of life were. I was born at a time of history when horrendous atrocities were committed by some incomprehensibly evil person/s. As a result, ordinary people like me and my family died or were traumatized and tormented for years in other ways. Yet, here I am, in America, sitting at my desk in the office of our beautiful home, feeling enriched in so many ways, in spite or because of my dark past. I don’t know how I would be today without the horrors I experienced – but I do know one fact for certain – that life is a miracle and the good Lord gave us the gift of choice –sometimes a curse, but eventually, I learned that it is a blessing that equals nothing else in life. Did I suffer? Of course – then and for 10 years after I was twenty I was deeply depressed because I could not adjust to the American way of life – it was too jarring coming from where I was. Today it would be called Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome which is obviously survivable.

What’s the benefit?

As I am writing the above, many thoughts and feelings emerged which thematically lead nicely into what I thought of writing about. I guess after reading the above, the connection might make sense to you. Most of you know that I have worked in the field of addiction for many years (as in many other areas of mental health), and I am often asked what prompted me to adapt such diverse views on addiction treatment in my practice, popular writings and trainings from what has been considered the norm, namely AA and the disease concept. The answer is relatively simple; my clients taught me. I listened with an experienced heart, not addiction, but life; I believe from my own experience in the resilience of the human spirit and instinctual desire to live. I also know that often life has the tendency to push us into directions that we might later regret – oh, the blessings of a troubled mind – the red light making us pause to reflect and listen to, or try to discover, that which could put our soul at rest; an answer that none other than each of us holds deep within. I guess, in America this is called Freedom and Integrity. There are many ways which lead to the answer – as Robert Frost encourages “travel the Road less taken” and Robert Kegan writes we “are in the throes of our own becoming”. Aren’t these two wonderful quotes? How life affirming and supportive! To realize that our past gave us information about ourselves, how strong we really are and how wise the detours were that now make sense, because we are alive and able to fully comprehend the choices that we are privileged to make because we are not only responsible but response-able.

Yes, there is much to learn. A baby must learn to walk before it can run, the now adult must learn and practice making the word love a verb before one can love another. The life skills that couldn’t be learned in a healthy developmental sequence, moi included, can now be recovered using the supportive, process-oriented Growth Process Affirmation™. They will add to the difficult lessons learned and hold the potential to realize one’s self in many dimensions, share the gifts with others and make this a better world – one little action at a time.

So, you see, nothing in life is wasted – ever. We can recycle ourselves based on our unique strengths and become the creatures God intended us to become and the world needs. It’s called Opportunity.

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Some time ago, the State of Providence, RI had a very colorful, dearly loved mayor. Not only was he powerful politically, he also had an amazing talent to keep his followers sitting on the edge of their chairs (or couches) reading the latest stories about his political successes and most of all his colorful personal escapades. There is no greater joy for the citizens of the smallest state in the USA to gain national attention so frequently. Unfortunately, as most good things, the mayor’s reign came to an end after an ugly episode with his wife’s lover – or was it politically fuzzy? Who am I to know? (I don’t think I am being unkind writing this, because I heard this morning that he wrote his memoir to inform everybody in the State just what really happened. And, from the sounds of it, he owns quite a bit). A “must read” for sure. In any case the Mayor had to move from his exquisite home on the East Side to a less desirable location – ugh – even ugly – a penitentiary, for five long years. Oh, reading the newspaper became so boring!

However, don’t be concerned, RI is never dull. The once upon time mayor returned to little Rhody some time ago, albeit minus his famous toupee. He is now an astute and provocative news commentator – and is still reviled by some, revered by many. I do know one thing. If Buddy would run for office again, he’d get in with an overwhelming majority of voters! How about it Buddy?

NOW, what about that?

Good question. What stands out for me as a Gestalt Coach and Therapist is how exquisitely Buddy lived out his polarities. What’s that, you might ask? Well, polarities are part of everything and everyone. Basically, they are opposite characteristics like i.e. inquisitive/dull, caring/judgmental, the Yin and the Yang of existence.  Right now it’s bloody cold here, in the summer unbearably hot and humid. The snow is melting, though still frozen a couple of feet high giving the appearance of death in nature and, yesterday, where the ice melted close to the house, I saw daffodils peeping through the ground. So with Buddy; he is incredibly intelligent and he could be so stupid at times; he has the capacity to make people proud of their State and bring national shame and embarrassment upon them.  He loves and can be dismissive in the cruelest ways – no, he does not have a multiple personality disorder, rather he is living out his polarities and learning about himself and life. There is a poem by e.e.cummings that best describes this process.

a total stranger one black day
knocked living the hell out of me-

who found forgiveness hard because
my (as it happened )self he was

-but now that fiend and I are such
immortal friends the other’s each

People who are multi-dimensional are never boring, mostly curious and alive, where as individuals who are fairly constant and predictable in their moods and behavior, are generally less interesting and one-dimensional.

In my therapy and coaching work with clients I am stimulated by each of these positions. A quiet person’s way of being is often expressed dulled to excitement and lives a same as always, unsatisfying life. We know from much research that without feelings and emotions existence can take on oppressive depression. Undertaking birthing one’s own polarities brings immense opportunities for creating a fuller, richer life. For the multi-dimensional individual, growth lies in a different direction. Often polarities express themselves fully in opposition and tend to constrict success so that the process of honoring the good and the bad becomes essential. Why the bad? Because if we are fully aware of that undesirable part of ourselves we can embrace it, use it if and when appropriate rather than trying to deny that undesirable part that will sabotage us no matter how we try to suppress it

Another possibility would be to synthesize both attributes. We can reason between the two what is useful and what is not and thus are able to give a measured response.

That we possess both positive and negative attributes is a given, how we live with them and what we do with them, is a choice. (An aside: while I certainly cannot speak for Buddy, I imagine and I realize that I am making a big assumption, that writing his memoirs has the effect of making peace with his polarities.) The above methodology of recognizing, accepting and/or synthesizing what we love and hate ourselves is enormously meaningful and applicable to all individuals with or without coaching or therapy.

In my work as coach these concepts take on particular meaning when working with recovered/ing individuals in my non-AA, alternative, and holistic Beyond-Recovery process that I am presently teaching for the Institute for Life Coach training and in my Gestalt Institute of Rhode Island.

In closing and as adjunct to cummings poem I want to mention the paradoxical Gestalt Theory of Change that: Change happens when you become who you truly are, not when you try to be what you are not.

How will you know if you are expressing polarities? EASY as pie. One  little word.
But
I’d love to hear from you what you came up with. It really is fun!!!

Be well, curious and surprise yourself every day!

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Western society dictates a “mission accomplished” point of view. In spite of poor recovery statistics, this sense of urgency remains stubbornly in the addiction/mental health treatment field, sometimes even when giving lip-service to available contemporary, more relevant treatment practices. Spending a moment experiencing and relishing a sense of a job well-done, taking time to savor one’s hard work and accomplishments – are highly undervalued in our society and practiced much too infrequently in the treatment field. The ramifications of such a let’s get this done now, get sober and stay that way attitude are enormously negative. They create and maintain fear, stress, and create discouragement that may well contribute to, and maintain the very addiction or mental health conditions, that the individual wants to alleviate.

Life is an ongoing process of living and changing; there is no permanent cure for pain and problems, and there is no Nirvana. Nevertheless, the individual desiring recovery can adjust to and reduce the frenzy inherent in treatment and in contemporary life on his very own. Below are some simple suggestions that can make life a little easier until the client feels whole and self-assured in full recovery.

Some simple suggestions to ease a stress-filled life:

1. Slow down long enough to stimulate courage and feel emerging excitement and interest in living beyond meeting dictated needs.
2. Experience a feeling of satisfaction - of self-discovery over completing a task successfully without submitting to someone else’s prescribed dictates for recovery and other life style changes.
3. Complete a day reflecting when deeply felt values and beliefs guided you to do something unexpected rather than attend a meeting to which you may not have related. This decision can take as little as a moment of I did it, taking a deep breath, or treating one’s self to a quiet moment of self-appreciation and peace.
4. Acknowledge satisfaction when sharing a self-initiated experience with a good friend, or experimenting with new activities even if initially self-conscious.
5. Savor a job well done, having been in a flow experience, losing track of time in the process.
6. Learn to count blessings – the awareness of discovering something novel – making someone smile, getting a wave of thanks from a motorist whom you gave permission to turn before you. It means simply recognizing pleasant small moments which would have been out of awareness earlier.
7. Evaluate how you co-created this pleasant moment. Accumulating these positive self-discoveries hold the additional promise of gaining self-worth and awareness of how a person can make many little steps that may lead eventually to accomplish larger individual goals – like full recovery.

Life becomes joyful when one recognizes the ability to co-create good moments. They make life worth while. After all, would anyone want to go through the rigors of recovering, were it not for the hope of a more satisfying existence?

The above is certainly not an outline for a treatment approach; yet it serves coaching very well. Chances are that a person in the process of recovery will be much more successful if he is introduced to himself, his strengths, vulnerabilities, and values that made it possible for him to courageously arrive at your office at this very moment willing to entrust himself to you, a dedicated, non-judgmental clinician who realizes that the client is always the authority and ultimately the change-agent in this dialogical, completely client-centered I-Thou process. All one needs is encouragement, compassion and belief in human nature imbued with a desire for self-actualization.

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