I enlarged the revolting picture as much as possible just for you.

I can’t believe that giant mass was really in there. It represents two and a half years of shampooing with no strainer. I tried to remove the stopper and replace it with a strainer when I moved in but I can’t get the damn thing off.

If you have any suggestions, please pass them along. I searched the Internet and tried everything I can think of to no avail. It says “Premier” but I can’t find that as a brand. There is no nut at the base of the top turny part, no tiny screw at the top of the shaft. I find no way to pop off the top turny part to get to a magical screw people say may be hidden inside. I am stumped.

I have shorter hair now so it won’t build up so drastically but still, I need to get the damn thing off. Help me, oh wise Internet.

In the mean time, I’m just going to go throw up a little bit. Have a nice day.

Bristol Palin was on Oprah the other day discussing her commitment to abstinence. No I did not watch. Though Sarah Palin is lovely to look at, she was there to talk about her new gig at Fox News and, well, enough said. Add the lunacy of a discussion about young, horny girls using abstinence as their sole birth control method and I just had to say no.

So yesterday the morning shows jumped on the band wagon and interviewed various teenage mothers about how hard it is to have a child so young.

Young mothers. As in, girls who have already had sex.

Does “barn door” and “your escaped farm animal just pooped its diaper” mean anything to you?

So clearly its not a purity thing. (And thank god, because those chicks are nuts.)

The abstinence is solely for birth control reasons. Now I don’t know about you but I am having a hard time grasping the concept:

1. Sex makes babies;
2. These girls knew that before they had sex the first time;
3. They used no birth control method the first time;
4. They couldn’t resist having sex;
5. They got pregnant and opted to keep the baby;
6. They are now complaining about how hard it is to raise the baby they consciously and voluntarily chose to keep;
7. They have decided on abstinence as their sole birth control method from now on.

Is it just me, or is something missing here? How about a backup plan, like always have condoms on hand? Nix unwanted pregnancy and STD’s in one shot. Always having condoms doesn’t mean you’re planning to have sex. It means you have a brain and recognize you are a human being with wants and needs and perhaps not as much will power as you hope for.

I notice no one mentioned abstinence is also a great method against STD’s. Perhaps that topic is too delicate for daytime TV.

They also failed to mention abstinence in older women is called “a dry spell.” Mine has been going on for years.

Oprah has been getting a lot of flack for saying, “Good luck with that” to Bristol Palin. I saw the clip and she wasn’t being sarcastic but, damn, she should have been.

Seriously, to Bristol and all the women out there using abstinence as a birth control method: good luck with that but please carry condoms. You don’t take the kid out without backup diapers do you? BE PREPARED.

And shop.

I have been wanting a sectional sofa for the front living room for some time now but it’s been the hardest darn thing to find because I know exactly what I want. Which means, of course, it doesn’t exist. I think my needs are pretty simple:

• Seats 6;
• Contemporary design with clean lines (not poufy);
• At least 2 recliners (one on each end) but more would be lovely;
• Recliners must be “chaise” type, where the leg section it is all one piece when extended (no gap between your knees and ankles);
• Sections stand alone when pulled apart, with no ugly connecting hardware showing;
• Available in leather;
• Removable cushions for cleaning and rotating;
• Not more than $2,500 and preferably much cheaper.

Here are two in the general style I like, La-Z-Boy Daphne and Collins:

Clean. Contemporary. Perfect. Only neither comes come with “motion,” the fancy furniture industry term for recliners. Also, no leather.

After much searching at La-Z-Boy, the only sectional that had almost everything I wanted was the Griffin:

I could replace the chaise with a recliner so it wouldn’t take up so much space yet one could still recline on that end. It comes in leather. The recliners are chaise-style. The bottom cushions are removable.

The down side is the price is about $3,500, which is way more than I hoped for but that is not the real problem. The issue is I find this too poufy. I hate the seam in the middle of the back pillows.

So this past Saturday in Fresno, what do I buy? This one at J.C. Penney home store:

My apologies for the tininess and blurriness of the picture. The site was down when I went to grab it but you get the gist: Poof Central. What was I thinking! Well, I’ll tell you:

• It has 4 recliners, all in the chaise style;
• It comes in leather. I opted for a dark chocolate brown;
• Each of the pieces can stand alone;
• It has built in tables/cup holders so I won’t need a coffee table, which is problematic when you have recliners or foot stools;

In the past, all of that meant nothing because I found this furniture to be ugly, ugly, Capital-U Ugly. It’s too poufy. It has too many seams running every which way. The full arms on both ends of the sofa and loveseat sections chop up the visual lines and make it look bulky, as if the poufy, overstuffed design wasn’t enough.

And with the built-in tables and cup holders, all I need is a built-in toilet under the seat cushions and a mini-fridge in the console to complete my slothful, couch potato existence.

But then I sat in it. OH MY GOD. It is SO comfortable. Like rest your bones, weary traveler, comfortable.

And when mom and sis are over for holidays, everyone has a seat with an armrest, a recliner, and a place to put their drink and snack plate.

And since I don’t need a coffee table, the center area in front of the TV is open for exercising with the Wii without having to move furniture out of the way.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I bought it solely for comfort and functionality, sacrificing style. I bought my Prius under similar circumstances, thinking it was the ugliest car ever, and now I think it’s adorable.

I have one more day to cancel my order and get my full deposit back. I need your help, Oh Wise Internet. $2,500 is a lot of money to spend on a giant piece of furniture I may hate to look at every time I pass by. If I am going to spend a bundle, maybe I should spend a bit more to get the customizable Griffin at La-Z-Boy since I no longer find it to be so poufy after all.

Help me, Oh Internet.

To read the full letter (it’s 4 pages, with lots more pictures) and in bigger print (cuz this one is tiny) click on the image below. After it opens, you will be able to make it bigger or smaller using your browser controls.

Note that I originally designed the letter to be folded in thirds and mailed, hence the odd formatting on the last page. Instead, I emailed this letter to various friends and family but, if I missed you, here you go! Do please send me your email address if you did not receive it via email so I can update my contact list. My address can be found in the letter and on my blog.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

He also says, “Get me the hell outta here!”

I hope your holidays are happy and festive.

And yes, I do have another cat. He is even less camera-cooperative than Tiger.

2. Wrap the center pole with a fake garland to make the trunk area look a bit more substantial.

3. Open up all the frickin’ branches with all the individual frickin’ mini-branches.

4. Skip to the part where the decorating is done because it’s just too annoying to stop and take a picture at every step.

5. Discover cat under tree and scramble for camera.

6. Admire the pretty lights at night time. Wonder why I just can’t seem to get a night time picture that isn’t blurry. Sip drink. Decide not to care.

Happy holidays, everyone.

I LOVE photo Christmas cards. Don’t you? I get to see people I often haven’t seen all year. Sometimes for several years.

It’s even better when they include a Christmas letter catching me up on everything they did that year. Some people find those letters to be impersonal but who has time to write a personal letter to everyone on their Christmas card list? I love ‘em. Keep ‘em coming.

In recent years, however, I have noticed a disturbing trend in photo Christmas cards: the parents are missing.

You know who you are.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love your children. I love your pets. It’s just that I would like to see you – my friend or family member – in the photo. I mean, let’s face it, if I haven’t seen you in over a year, it’s a good bet I don’t know your kids very well. As adorable as they are, it is you I miss.

So please, include yourself in your photo Christmas card from now on or I shall be forced to retaliate with a photo card of my beloved cats. As much as you adore me, is it really my cats you want to see staring back at you from your mantle?

Also, I am getting tired of people looking at my Christmas card display and asking if I sponsor an orphanage.

Happy holidays, everyone. May you live through the catastrophe.

Love,

Sheila

“I have surgery scheduled for tomorrow.”

“I have nonrefundable airline tickets to Hawaii.”

“I am a Mennonite.”

Those all work as excuses, by the way, but each judge is different. I have a friend who was forced by another judge to cancel her previously scheduled (non-elective) surgery because he didn’t give a crap. (He’s old and notoriously cranky. Let’s hope he retires soon.)

Forty five minutes of additional waiting later, Judge Brian McCabe arrived to read us yet more instructions then give us a break for lunch. And thank god because I was one of the last to arrive in the overcrowded courtroom and had been standing in heels the whole time. My bad hip was screaming.

The breaks are one of the highlights of jury duty, by the way. You get a minimum of an hour and a half for lunch (12:00 to 1:30) but the judge looks for a natural break anywhere from 11:30 onward so you may get out at 11:30 yet still not have to be back until 1:30.

Sweeeeeet.

Judge McCabe also gives short 10 minute breaks every hour, which is awesome when you are conscientiously trying to stay hydrated so have to pee constantly. I strategically placed myself near the door so I would be first to the bathroom and first back, ensuring myself a seat. I feel no shame for that, especially after discovering hard wooden benches, though better than standing, are no picnic.

I was not called to the jury box in the first round so was able to observe the process without the nervousness I would have felt with a room full of people staring at me. They started with eighteen or so prospective jurors, each having to state the following as posted on a easel at the front of the courtroom:

1. Occupation
2. Spouse’s occupation
3. City of residence
4. Number of minor children living at home
5. Whether you have served on a jury in the past

I understand all of those except #4. What could having minor children living at home possibly have to do with jury duty? Child care issues?

The attorneys began their questioning, starting with the prosecutor, Deputy D.A. Steve Slocum, who was friendly, personable, easy going, and non-threatening.

Next, Chief Public Defender Eric Dumars had his turn…and alienated the entire room with his first question.

He didn’t mean to. In fact, I’m pretty sure he thought he knew what the prospective juror’s response would be and that it would be a nice segues from Slocum’s smooth, trust me I am the law persona, to Dumars' legally advantageous (presumed innocent) yet realistically not so much (overcoming the average citizen’s initial prejudice against those accused of a crime) position. It went something like this:

Dumars: What do you think my job is as it relates to this trial and Mr. Trimble.

Prospective Juror: To prove your client’s innocence.

OMG wrong answer!

Let me back up a moment and tell you the judge’s instructions to the jury before he let the attorneys loose on them included the whole “innocent until proven” guilty speech and specifically stated Mr. Dumars could sit there and “do a crossword puzzle” for the whole trial because he was under no obligation to prove anything. It was Mr. Slocum’s duty to prove Mr. Trimble’s guilt, not the other way around.

Let me further point out this particular potential juror, when answering question #5 above, said she had served on a jury twice in the past two years.

I submit to you, oh learned jury of opinion, Mr. Dumars started with her because he thought she would know the correct answer. Unfortunately, when she gave the wrong one, he kept asking the question in different ways (I assume with the hope she would eventually “get it,”) moved on to someone else, then came back to her until she finally said, “I didn’t go to law school!” and “I feel like you’re picking on me!”

First question out of the box and he has already alienated the entire jury pool. Not good.

What I do not understand is why he didn’t simply reiterate what the judge said and tell her what his role is when she gave the wrong answer. Is that not allowed during jury selection? Is the judge the only person in the court room who can educate the jury at that point? Since Mr. Dumars has found my blog (DISCONCERTING), perhaps he will tell us in the comments. Maybe he did eventually explain the defense attorney’s role but I missed it because I was busy trying to determine if 1) the potential juror fell asleep during the judge’s instructions hence missed the “innocent until proven guilty” bit, or 2) she was just dumb.

Needless to say, that potential juror was later dismissed.

On an easel next to the five questions above, there was also a list of potential witnesses. Each juror was asked if they knew either of the lawyers, any of the potential witnesses, or if they, a close friend, or a family member had ever been a victim of a similar crime.

An answer of yes, however, did not necessarily excuse them from serving. When someone did answer yes, they were next asked if it would influence their ability to act in an impartial manner. Some people had a little trouble giving a simple yes or no answer, which I found frustrating and made me wonder dear god how do the judge and lawyers do this over and over again with each new trial yet remain so patient?

The guy next to me in the jury selection box was a philosophy teacher whose friend or family member had experienced a similar crime. When asked if it would affect his ability to be impartial on this trail, he could not for the life of him JUST SAY YES.

He said, “Maybe.”

He said, “I don’t think so but the subconscious mind is a mysterious thing.”

He said, “It’s hard to say.”

Slocum had to spell it out for him with, “You would like to think it won’t influence you, but it probably will.”

Even that was a little too definite but, after much hemming and hawing, he finally admitted that, yes, it would probably affect his ability to be impartial.

He was later dismissed. No surprise there but what a waste of time. Remember they have to go through this with every single potential juror until they agree on the twelve-plus-alternates they need for the trial.

After the first few long, drawn out juror stories about prior run-ins with the law and such, followed by the lawyers thanking them for sharing their experience and asking if it would influence their ability to remain impartial, I realized, oh, hey, all they really care about is whether you can remain impartial on this trial. There is no need to go into the entirety of who said what to whom and what color underwear they were wearing. Keep it brief, people.

Alas, we listened to many more long stories before my turn came and I couldn’t resist when asked if I, or my immediate family, had any prior run-ins with the law: I said my ex-husband had been arrested for drunk-driving about 20 years ago, “and that is why he is my ex-husband.”

BADUM TISH!

Slocum didn’t seem to think that was funny but it did get a laugh from the room. He has a most disconcerting way of looking at you during jury selection, that Slocum. I felt very much like a specimen being peered at through a microscope.

Though I found the potential juror stories annoying and often uncomfortable to listen to, the judge and lawyers really do need all that detail to help them determine if you can truly be an impartial juror. Because make no mistake, they are not going to simply believe you. They listen to the facts of your story and, perhaps more importantly, how you tell it to determine how they think you really feel about what happened and how it will affect your ability to remain impartial on the trial.

Seriously, give me the Internal Revenue Code any day. This relating to people and figuring out what they are thinking business is for the birds.

A few weeks ago, I moved my furniture from the front living room to the back family room to take advantage of the fireplace for the winter. I was also looking forward to having the TV just off the kitchen so I could watch it while cooking.

I forgot, however, the TV sits on a built-in bookcase in the living room and I do not have an adequate stand for the 42” plasma. Here is how it looked after the furniture move:

Very college dorm room. Not only is the cart way too small for the TV, but it only holds two electronic components. Notice the VCR to the right and behind the TV. The Wii is back there, too.

I had a few specific IKEA TV stands in mind but when I got to the store and saw them in person, they simply would not do: too low, too tall, too flimsy, too wide, etc. Then, down in the bowels of the warehouse part of the store after I had given up finding the perfect TV stand, I found it. Not only did it have a fake TV perched atop it announcing it as a TV stand but it was only 80 bucks. Perfect!

Here it is in its new home:

Note the four – count ‘em, FOUR – shelves for components. In theory, you could purchase two additional shelves and get eight components in there but I like having a larger bottom shelf area for storing exercise DVD’s and Wii accessories in baskets.

I toyed with putting all of the components down one side and dividing the other side with a single shelf, which would still accommodate both baskets (one on the bottom and one on the shelf) but I am a fan of symmetry. Even if I do part my hair on the side.

Had the IKEA floor model I saw in the warehouse not had the legs attached, it would not have occurred to me to get them. They were $5 per 2-pack, so an additional $15, but totally worth it. They make the cabinet look more finished and provide a bonus area for storing the Wii Balance Board.

It was not all tea and roses once I got it home, however. Assembly was not the problem. It was quite easy until I was about to attach the final top piece and realized there were no holes in the back for the cables.

What the hell?

I called up the IKEA website and discovered I bought a Besta Shelf Unit / Height Extension Unit, which was never intended to hold components with cables. Even though they had a fake TV perched on top of it on display at the IKEA warehouse.

Apparently they only have TV’s in Sweden: no cable boxes, DVD players, VCR’s, or surround sound components. How sad for them.

I did wonder why I did not have this item on the list of potential TV stands I created by combing through the IKEA catalog before my shopping trip. I mean, it was so PERFECT. How could I have missed it? I was so excited by my find – and the price – it did not occur to me to examine it for cable cutouts. OF COURSE it is a TV stand. It has a fake TV perched on top of it and everything!

So. Back at the ranch.

Because the unit has a center panel divider and there would be components on both sides due to my previously mentioned obsession with symmetry, I had to make at least one hole in each of the two back panels. I toyed with several size, shape and placement options and finally decided to go with one large hole in each panel, placed so the top shelf bisects it thus allowing cables from both shelves to use the same hole.

Had the unit been designed to accommodate electronics, the shelves would have left half an inch or so at the rear for cables to traverse the back of the shelf on their way to a single exit hole in the back panel. As a standard shelf unit, however, the shelves fit snugly against the back of the unit. Just something to keep in mind should you ever decide to repurpose a shelving unit to accommodate electronic components. (See “Alternatives” at the end of this post for another option.)

Here is what it looks like from the back after I made 3” holes with a hole saw:

I love that I don’t have to care how messy the cables get back there because the unit hides the chaos.

I opted for this somewhat taller than normal unit as a TV stand so that when I move the big TV back into the front room, I can repurpose the stand as a sideboard in the dining room.

Though I do have a smaller TV I can move back in to the family room when the time comes. Hm…

Meanwhile, I am going to enjoy having the TV up high enough that I can see it from the kitchen without the chair getting in the way and components not so low I have to be so very precise when I aim the remote.

The Blu-ray player I bought along with the new Star Trek movie may ever so slightly enhance my enjoyment of the new setup but I am pretty sure I would like it just as much without it.

But seriously, do you not have a Blu-Ray player? GET ONE. It plays your old DVD’s and makes them look better. It’s magic. And with the holiday shopping season upon us, you can get one for cheap.

I don’t think I’m ever going to leave this room now. All I need is a toilet in the corner and I’m set.

ALTERNATIVE FOR HACKING THE BESTA SHELF UNIT

Shelf depth. Though the shelves extend all the way to the rear panel, leaving no gap back there for cables, they are recessed 1/2 inch from the front so there is room for adjustment.

The shelf brackets are L-shaped and fit into a groove in the shelf, which prevents the shelf from sliding around:

Note the 1/2 inch area on the left above. The simplest way to move the shelf forward and create a gap at the back for the cables is to rotate the shelf bracket so the flat side faces up instead of down. You can then place the shelf on the rotated brackets, slightly forward of its previous location:

The down side to this method is twofold:

1. Since the bracket is no longer seated in a groove, nothing prevents the shelf from sliding around;
2. There is not much room to work with at the back of the shelf so, once you reposition the shelf forward, the smallest additional slide forward can knock the shelf off the rear bracket.

If you are super handy, you can leave the brackets facing the normal way and make new grooves in the shelf to keep it from sliding around.

If you are not super handy, you may be able to find rubber thingy’s to slide onto the upside down shelf brackets to prevent the shelf from sliding too much.

Either way, all this does is allow you to have components on multiple shelves without having to drill multiple holes for the cables (or a big hole spanning two shelves, like I did.) You will still have to drill at least one hole to get the cable out the back of the unit.

EDIT 11/29/09: Well DUH. A much simpler way to reposition the shelves just occurred to me: drill new holes in the sides of the unit for the shelf pins to poke into. MUCH easier than the above scenario. All you need is an electric drill and a drill bit the same size as the shelf pin pokey end. Much, much simpler.

1. Atwater High Songleader Hall of Shame
2. Sziraki Saga Continues
3. More Sziraki News – Brace Yourself

…this one should catch you up nicely:

Merced Sun-Star
Monday, Nov. 16, 2009

Prosecutors double amount Sziraki allegedly embezzled to $1.6M

By VICTOR A. PATTON

Prosecutors say they've uncovered more evidence in the case of embezzlement suspect Kimberly Sziraki, claiming the amount of alleged stolen funds has doubled to about $1.6 million.

Sziraki, 45, was arrested Jan. 7 on suspicion of embezzling money from Central Valley Processing Acquisition Corp. in Merced, where she'd worked as a manager. She was charged with three felony counts of embezzlement and one count of unlawful use of an access card.

Sziraki is scheduled to be arraigned Thursday on 13 additional counts of felony embezzlement, according to Chief Deputy District Attorney Mark Bacciarini. The Merced County District Attorney's Office filed those charges in Merced County Superior Court last week.

According to Bacciarini, the latest 13 counts were filed after investigators from the district attorney's office issued a subpoena for bank records from a Bank of America account shared by Sziraki and her husband, Merced County Sheriff's Sgt. Steve Sziraki.

Investigators found evidence of $279,126 in wire transfers and $524,172 in Central Valley Processing checks Kimberly Sziraki allegedly deposited into the Bank of America account between December 2005 and January 2007, Bacciarini said.

Sziraki was already facing charges for allegedly depositing about $832,000 from CVP into a Washington Mutual account between March 2006 and February 2008.

An examination of Sziraki's Washington Mutual and Bank of America accounts appears to indicate that a total of $1.6 million was embezzled from CVP between 2005 to 2008, Bacciarini said.

Sziraki was facing between five and 10 years in prison. Now that she's facing 13 additional charges, she could face 17 years behind bars if convicted.

The Bank of America account was in the name of Sziraki and her husband, but Bacciarini said there's no evidence Steve Sziraki knew about the stolen funds. The husband hasn't been charged in the case.

Investigators are still trying to account for what happened to the stolen funds. None of the money has been recovered, and some of it may have been spent on gambling, Bacciarini said.

Sziraki pleaded not guilty to the first four charges in January.

John Garcia, her attorney, said he couldn't comment specifically on the latest charges because he hasn't seen them. Still, Garcia said he wants to confirm whether the district attorney's office is inflating the amount of allegedly embezzled funds. "If they have that evidence, I am certainly very anxious to see that," Garcia said. "But I would certainly like to verify all of that stuff through a CPA."

Even if Sziraki is convicted, Garcia said he's hopeful she'd receive a sentence of probation, as opposed to prison. Sziraki was suffering from alcoholism and post-traumatic stress disorder when the alleged crime happened, Garcia said.

Garcia said his client has cooperated fully with investigators, adding that he "doesn't see the point" in spending taxpayer dollars to incarcerate a nonviolent person with no criminal background. He noted that Sziraki has been in treatment.

Ken Spagnola, owner of Central Valley Processing, said he wasn't surprised investigators found more alleged embezzled funds. Since Sziraki's arrest in January, Spagnola has steadfastly maintained she stole more than $1 million. "I knew right away that the B of A account was a smoking gun," Spagnola said.

The alleged embezzlement began after Sziraki took over for a plant manager who had fallen ill to cancer, Spagnola said.

Spagnola said the alleged crimes came to light after he hired a bookkeeper, who spotted a wire transfer into a personal account for Sziraki. Spagnola said he also noticed that Sziraki hadn't been paying the company's payroll taxes. In April 2008, he contacted the Merced County District Attorney's Office about the missing funds.

Sziraki remains free on bail.

Reporter Victor A. Patton can be reached at (209) 385-2431 or vpatton@mercedsun-star.com.

(Full story at the Merced Sun Star website , until they move it and break the link.)

My favorite part is where Kim’s attorney says he doesn't see the point in spending taxpayer dollars to incarcerate a nonviolent person with no criminal background.

I agree! Why do we incarcerate anyone who commits a nonviolent crime? I mean, it’s not like it’s the law or anything. Who cares if the family who owns the company might go broke or have to lay off a bunch of hard working employees because of the $1.6 MILLION DOLLARS she took? Come on! There was no violence. Let’s just call her a naughty girl and send her to bed without dessert.

*pokes own eye out with a sharpened pixie stick*