Getting a grip on reality

WTF happened to 2013??

2014-03-19T00:02:00.000-04:00

I was looking at my blog and realized that in 2013 I did not do one single entry.

If I had to tell you where my 2013 went, I'd have to sit, think, do a couple of huh? and then admit that 2013 came and went. I know plenty of things happened, but not one life changing THING.

Prices went up on everything making it hard to catch up. I've done more cool stuff in the first three months of 2014 than all of 2013. How depressing. A whole year came and went and I did not learn or grow. I did lose some weight so that's a plus. That it probably happened due to my high sugar issues, not such a plus. What productive thing did I do in 2013? You see, as I'm typing, I'm thinking, thinking, thinking. I must have done something last year worth mentioning. I can't allow the whole year to be a personal bust. I guess no one noticed my lack of movement. Worked and worked and where did that get me? well, not very far. This is becoming a ridiculous search.

I did spend a whole lot of time trying to find the best Christmas presents for everyone. Spent too much, I know. Did it make a difference in anyone's life? I don't believe so and it makes me sad. What did I expect really. Presents can't fix opinions or lack of interest? No wonder my brain rejects 2013, it was a little bit miserable outside of my house.

"The universe is infinite, chaotic and cold". I just heard this sentence in a TV show playing in the background. Very fitting.

I took on an extra job to help ends meet. I loved it but I was so tired at the end of the day. My son was not happy and that meant a lot to me. So I quit. Now that I got that off my chest, I will let it be a reminder to make 2014 a lot more interesting. Bring it on!

Mind

2012-02-12T09:57:00.001-05:00

That is all.

To the procrastinator

2012-02-03T11:38:00.000-05:00

It seems like I just don't get my personal things to the finish line.

I have 2 birthday parties to plan, 2 vacations, one trip for A and my house to get in order.

What I have done:
Thought of the parties and made a list....
Reserved Resort for 1 vacation, but not the plane txs
Paid for As trip but have not gotten plane txs or hotel accommodations for me. Classic.
My house - well it will never be in order and the fucking dog hair will forever taint any cleaning I do. I'll just resign to that or shave the dog.

Personally, I need to cut down on a ton of things that are not good for me. I should drink a lot of water because it will help my dry eyes. Do I do it? of course not. I just love knowing what is wrong with me, have the tools available but do JACK SHIT.

How aggravated I get with my actions? Plenty.

Does it mean I must hate myself? Possibly. Will therapy cure this? haha I don't think so. I can't be convinced of something I'm pretty certain about.

Sugar - I hate you and certainly hate me.

You have ruined it all.

On a happier note.....well, today I have nothing to be perky about. I will procrastinate feeling better. I'll start tomorrow, I'll eat better tomorrow, I'll excersise starting tomorrow, I'll be a better wife, mother, sister, friend..yeah..tomorrow.

It's late and I know I stopped doing something to write this blog....but I can't remember what it was.
I'll remember...tomorrow.

Top 10 things bothering me today GRRR

2012-02-02T09:53:00.000-05:00

Good Morning. There are a couple of things on my mind since yesterday that have been bugging me.....

1. If one is smart enough to get As and the other handy enough to put a whole tile floor by himself, why is it that neither of you can put the fucking cap on the toothpaste, or clean the sink after you brush your teeth?

2. I know I'm the mom, and I take my mom job pretty serious, but would it kill all of you to wash a dish or just clean up where you ate? You can't expect the poor dog to always go ninja and try to take the last crumbs from the table when I'm not looking.

3. How about them rooms? would it kill you to have look presentable once in a while? I mean you ask me to go find you a paper and I have to get goggles and a harpoon just to dig around.

4. The damn fingerprints on the walls!!!!! WTF would you not see all the damn diggits going all the way up the stairs and think, shit I better wipe this shit before my mom goes ape shit on me.

5.There are instruments everywhere in my house.....play one once in a while.

6. If you are my friend, why would you act that way?

7. I really get pissy when someone tries to make me look bad just so they can make themselves look good. You are still not that great, no matter what you do. Just saying.

8. Why can't I seem to get around to doing all the stuff I need to be doing? oh yeah, because I'm going around in circles dealing with the most usless and stupid shit you can imagine.

9. I started my medication again and I'm feeling like a truck hit me, and my eyes are dry. Ugh.

10. I don't want to give up, but I feel like any minute now I'm going to just unplug myself....

There are more but I don't want to seem bitchy.

2012-01-26T13:43:00.000-05:00

The red string of fate, also referred to as the red thread of destiny, red thread of fate, and other variants, is an East Asian belief originating from Chinese legend and is also used in Japanese legend. According to this myth, the gods tie an invisible red string around the ankles of those that are destined to be soul mates and will one day marry each other. Often, in Japanese culture, it is thou...ght to be tied around the little finger. According to Chinese legend, the deity in charge of "the red thread" is believed to be Yuè Xià Lǎo (月下老, often abbreviated to "Yuèlǎo" [月老]), the old lunar matchmaker god who is also in charge of marriages.
The two people connected by the red thread are destined lovers, regardless of time, place, or circumstances. This magical cord may stretch or tangle, but never break.

Can this be true? I'd like to believe so. How can you possibly know if the invisible string is attached to the person you are meant to be with? lets add more pressure to our already complicated lives. Now, we have to squint really hard and look for a string. I have some red string around my wrist that means an entirely different thing.

Did my invisible string tangled around you? It sure feels that way.

Do you think that red thread of destiny has found you? I also heard that it attaches people who are meant to meet.....if so then I'm glad my red thread reached you xox

Adverting Eyes

2012-01-23T10:43:00.002-05:00

Have you ever met someone and had to look away after a while?

I don't remember that ever happening to me, but then I can't seem to remember many things lately. As we get older some people hide their feelings, while others want you to know everything. I play hide and seek with my feelings because at the end of the day, it's so much better. Once it is out there, anyone can do what they please and it does not always work in your favor. Right?

How many personalities can we have inside? I'm not talking the schizofrenic type person, I mean the type of person that plays hide and seek with who they are. How interesting is it when someone is observing and catches your game and calls you on it. That person makes you advert your eyes because you know that they will see everything, if they just look closely.

Letters with meaning

2011-12-05T13:26:00.000-05:00

I've decided that I may need to write some letters. In certain situations, I'm not very good one on one, and it seems the people I have to write to don't care to do the one on one with me.

Every family is held together by love, but happens when love is not enough? I always thought love was strong enough to hold everything together, but it is not. The alternative that I'm not loved anymore is too painful. I rather change my theory, or I'll be crying more than a river.

Writing a letter that conveys how you truly feel is hard. First rule is that it should be done by hand. Neat legible handwriting shows that you have put a lot of effort. I've cried writing letters before and left tear drops as stains, I have to be careful while writing these.

Words can hurt longer than a slap. When you write something be certain that it will be re-read, maybe shared for others to give their opinion.

While in the attic twice these last few weeks I came upon a pile of letters. Letters sent to me, cards from my family, notes from my kids. Amazing find. I am so glad I keep everything. By the end of the day, I had a ton of bags full of useless papers, school stuff from the kids, old books from classes that I took, and just crap that I'm not sure why I saved. The letters were saved. I cried like a sad puppy while I read card after card from my brothers when they were younger and letters from my grandma who passed in 2001. The words people put on paper can make you or break you. Especially if you care about that person. I found the one and only letter my husband ever wrote me. It was not a love letter, but it had a lot of love in it. It was written when I was pregnant in 1992, before I lost the baby. He ended with lots of love to me and a kiss to be placed in my tummy for the baby. He was in South America and I was here with my family. I read that letter and realized how much that man really loved me. I didn't dare ask him to read it and confirm that he still loves me that much. Two pretty healthy kids later, we are not the same people we were then. I do think I loved him a lot then, but more now. Love grows or it dies. It can never stay the same. That was my grand enlightenment!

Let go of your ego...

2011-07-25T11:40:00.000-04:00

Let go of your ego's need to be right. When you're in the middle of an argument, ask yourself: Do I want to be right or be happy? When you choose the joyous, loving, spiritual mode, your connection to intention is strengthened. - Dr. Wayne Dyer

Friends?

2011-07-20T00:38:00.000-04:00

How do you for sure your friends are really your friends? How do you know who you can trust? Can you ever trust anyone completely?

More and more American TV exploits friendships across the board. Late at night when I can't sleep, I watch these shows in order to understand how women get so close and then fall apart by a tiny incident.

Tonight one of these reality chicks said, I don't ever talk about my relationship with my girls, not even with my best friend. So, if you can't talk to your friends about your relationship, then are they really friends? You can discuss politics, family drama, religion, clothes, perfume, but no husband/boyfriend drama. Gave me something to think about. All women can't be jealous of you.

Some friends are just anchors dragging you down. Make sure you weed those out quick or you'll be filling your lungs with water in no time. Sometimes you want to be understanding and cool, but they think you want to do what they are doing. Someone please write a rule book already. What are the friend rules?

Growing up with boys and around men made me think differently. I see men as puzzles to be solved. Some are easy, some are hard, some are impossible because they lost some of their pieces. Every relationship leaves damage or a broken/missing part. Those guys are better left untouched.

My favorite thing to do is people watch. I love figuring them out, catch them when they are not aware. I love to listen to what men really think about the women they date. Men are sensitive creatures too. When I was in Jr. High and High School I had a lot of male friends and only a few girlfriends. Most of the girls would use me to talk to the boy they liked. Once I figured this out, I had my fun with it. It will all be in my book. Just kidding, I'm not writing a book.

Thinking a lot about friendships lately. Friends that ask how I'm doing early in the morning when I'm all alone in the office, friends that send me wonderful texts that make me feel special and thought of. I hope I'm the friend that gives them the same warm and fuzzy feeling.

xox universe. I know you are paying attention to me.

What's Real

2011-07-14T09:18:00.006-04:00

In October 1987 I went back to Uruguay (that's where I'm from) to visit my grandparents. My grandma had just been hospitalized and my mom needed to go and take care of her a little bit. I think it was all a plot to take me back and leave me there. At 18 1/2 I was starting to rebel (yes, it took me a while). While visiting I was invited to a dance club and my mother said yes. I was so thrilled, at 18 I had never been to one so I made sure I looked my very best. Thankfully gravity was still my bff.

The place was in the middle of nowhere, but it was really nice. The weather was absolutely beautiful that night and you could stand outside and feel the breeze. The girls were showing me how "it was done". We walked around, looking forward but at nothing, pretending we were all that and then some. Suddenly, I was faced with a pair of beautiful eyes and a smile that made me stop. As I'm staring like a fool I knew that he said something, but for the life of me I could not remember what it was. I concentrated hard and said "what did you say?". He smiled again, and although my knees got weak, my mind stayed focus and he repeated his words slowly. "You...have...beautiful...eyes". I was mortified, specially because he said it slowly, I mumbled a "thank you" and just kept walking. From then on, no matter what guy asked me to dance or started talking to me, my eyes followed that boy where he went or who he danced with. I was fixated and if you know me, the worse thing that can happen is me being fixated on something.

We went home, a bunch of little pieces of papers with phone numbers on them, empty promises of "sure, I'll call you", "of course I think you are handsome, I'll call you". All the promises a lie because I didn't know how to handle these situations, I had never been in one.

The short trip with my mother turned into a three year stay. After my mother came back to the US with my brothers, I went back three more times to that club to find the boy with the eyes and smile. Finally on October 31st, 1987 I saw him at the bar. He was drinking a beer and I was wearing my shortest, I mean cutest mini skirt. When he looked up (probably because he felt my stare burning his face) I smiled and looked elegant and poised. Ok, I tripped on a step and fell gracefully. When I started to get up he was there helping me, like superman. I think he ran superspeed in my direction. He was a superhero with a great tan.

When people say, I don't know what love is, I tell them, it's because you have never been in love. For sure, that moment he touched my arm, I felt love.

Getting a Grip on Reality

2011-07-13T15:16:00.003-04:00

When I first started this blog, the title of the blog "Getting a grip on reality" was just a title. Now, some time later, it seems to be my goal in life.

To get a grip on reality.

Do you know how hard it is? How difficult and exhausting it is to get a grip on my reality?

What's the reality? For some it's not achieving their goals, others, not finding the "right one". For me, realizing that my reality last year, is not the one that I'm faced with today.

If memory serves me correct, I was a pretty good kid. Growing up, I caused no waves, I tried to ruffle no feathers, I lived a life that can be described in the cheesiest of quotes.

Now, at (mumbling age) I dream of an elevator that is stuck, I can't get out nor does anyone hear me call to them. I see myself in the dream and get really pissed that the me in the elevator is not doing anything to help herself. I wake up upset and angry. That's no way to wake up at 6:45am. No way at all.

I know the dream is very telling. I definetly know why I'm having the dream, but my question is. When is reality going to get a grip of me? Maybe it already has.

Can the Universe throw me a crumb?

Rihanna - S&M (Lyrics)

2011-02-13T18:04:00.000-05:00

Kings Of Leon - Sex On Fire

2011-02-07T19:32:00.002-05:00

I'm in love with this song....

and the singer a little bit....

Lay where you're laying, don't make a sound
I know they're watching, they're watching
All the commotion, the kiddie like play
Has people talking, talking

You, your sex is on fire

The dark of the alley, the breaking of day
The head while I'm driving, I'm driving
Soft lips are open, knuckles are pale
Feels like you're dying, you're dying

You, your sex is on fire
Consumed with what's to transpire

Hot as a fever, rattling bones
I could just taste it, taste it
If it's not forever, if it's just tonight
Oh, it's still the greatest, the greatest, the greatest

You, your sex is on fire
And you, your sex is on fire
Consumed with what's to transpire

And you, your sex is on fire
Consumed with what's to transpire

Scratch and sniff

2011-02-05T14:25:00.001-05:00

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Image-taken from my back yard

Whenever I see or talk to certain people I can get these amazing feelings where I just want to hug them and kiss them repeatedly. I don’t because who really wants to be randomly hugged and kissed? Well, me, but I can’t say that’s normal.

I think I’m an avid people watcher. Shows like “Lie to me” make me happy. Of course for someone like me, those shows only feed my need to analyze people in the most invasive way. Well, not that invasive.

I remember being a lot younger and having everyone hug and kiss all the time. I suppose that being from South America makes this part of the norm. When I came to live here my norm had to change. I still aim to kiss your cheek before I would ever aim to shake your hand, but there are so many who just look so caught off guard. The contact with someone’s cheek and the feel of their body heat near yours is just amazing. You can feel chemistry much quicker this way. I know I’ve been released from a hug only to feel like I just wanted to leave the room, other times like I could hug that person forever.

Don’t you love when someone smells so good you just want to sniff them a while longer?

Scents can evoke feelings too. That is why it is so hard to find that scent that is yours and it lets others feel a connection with you. I happen to love Fresh – Pink Jasmine as my everyday scent. I noticed that when I wore the vanilla bean scent from the scrub people commented on how they wanted to take a bite out of me. That was crazy. The Pink Jasmine is soft and fresh. I like it. I own plenty of perfumes, and some are just so delicious that I sniff them on my way to the bedroom at night. There are plenty of studies about perfumes and their effects. I can only go by trial and error. If I’d sniff me, then I’m good. Now, if a random stranger stops you and says, you smell delicious! I think that’s a bonus (not that this ever happens to me).

I read in an article that if you find a mixture of lavender and pumpkin you get a scent that men love, and that turns them on. I’m not sure I want to smell like a pie and a flower. I do love pumpkin pie though. Would that make a guy want to bite into you and sniff you?
Would I want to sniff you?

2011 - The Entry

2011-01-27T21:44:00.003-05:00

I love music, it truly gets me through the roughest of times.

Happy New Year.

Why do we consider ourselves to be larger than we really are? I don't mean size wise, but importance wise.

We truly believe that our acts and words can bring people to their knees. I don't mean we act on it, but deep down we see the demise of whomever we are having trouble with. Act as if it doesn't matter. We can't go all Nikita on them because the law does not allow us to show our aggressive side as much as we would like to show it.
I feel that for the last couple of months I’ve been holding in everything that has been bugging me. Result? Pretty bad dr. visits. The solution, detachment.

It takes a while, but I think I’m starting to go pro. Still, once in a while little things hurt like a b**ch.

Sometimes there is no point in starting fires that you will eventually need to put out. Because basically, you are the one that cares about how you feel, the rest of the world is just waiting for you to react.

I would like to throw a challenge out there…..

Are you ready?....

Don’t wait so long. Don’t cry about it. Go with your gut or you’ll end up hurting more because you knew, deep down you knew the whole time it was worthless.

I guess I can always write best after the smoke clears and the pain is less.
I hate confrontation, especially if I know it will be hard for me to hold back. Get me when I’m PMSing and I feel sorry for you. Get at me when I’m PMSing, with a vacuum in one hand, laundry in the other, bitching about getting no help.....and I would suggest you run. You’d think someone who knew me well would figure it out.

When Marco Polo was about to die, the priest asked him if the stories he told were all true. His answer: “I did not tell half of what I saw”. My daughter found this out today and I think it’s a pretty cool statement to leave.

What’s going through your mind?

What's in there

2010-10-22T22:37:00.004-04:00

I have not written in a while, and it's not for lack of material.

While I've been gone, I've read an entire series by JR Ward about hot vampire men. I've re-organized my closet, my daughters closet and my son's closet. I didn't let them touch a thing for a week. Thankfully for them, I'm over it.

Two nights ago my husband asked me if my mind was ever blank. He thinks I'm always thinking and thinking...and thinking. Sadly he's right. I think too much, I tear situations apart in my mind to the point that they end up dust. Not the best thing to do. I was thinking about what he asked me when I picked this red piece of thread from my jacket and let it fall to the ground. I'm happy to report that while I watched that thread dance in the air and softly hit the carpet, my mind was blank. Promptly after it hit the ground I started thinking about weight. Someone really light and think will fall to the ground and it might be as graceful as the threat whereas a heavy person like me would not look so graceful. I started thinking how much I miss being graceful and thin. I got in the car and looked in the mirror. To my horror there was that hair that continues to come out on my chin. This fucker doesn't know when to stop. I pulled it, winced and thought back to the thread. I can't explain how pretty the dance it did in the air was. I suggest you take a piece of red thread and let it go, watch it fall, and be delighted by the dance. Your mind will just be blank.

Anyway, I remembered I had this account and thought it fit to come and see if my words to the universe were heard by anyone.

Hello, anyone out there?

A hope - Diary 40

2010-05-05T21:13:00.003-04:00

Offense - Dog running at large. This the latest thing to happen in my wonderful life. My dog decided that she needed a stroll down the main avenue to visit with the kids. By the time my husband noticed, someone had called the cops. Thanks neighbors, you all suck ass. Except my neighbor across the street who took my dog and told the cop to wait for my husband because she is a fucking sweetheart (insert Eminem lyrics here)the dog, not the human. Now my husband has a court date for 'dog running at large'. I was 2 hours late getting home, I'm always home at this time and she's with me.

I wish I could write in my own column, but then would it piss everyone off if I tell their tales? Of course I'd have a pair of expert eyes edit my column, but not so much it would take the feeling from my words. I like my words to convey feelings.

Funny things happen to me a lot. People do great stuff around me, and have the best stories, but I can't share them. How fucked up is that? My kids alone would give me a ton of new material daily. I know I often sport the "what the hell is wrong with you?" face.

It's frustrating to know how fun it will be to write these great things, but I can't. Well, maybe if I change the names to protect the not-so-innocent. No worries, I don't have enough discipline to write everything down, just have some great stories for when I'm old and bored.

Remember the time I said "it's google beoch" and you said, "what is that?" and I said "google?". You said "No, what is beoch"? and I said, "omg, you really need to learn some lingo" and you said, "I'm really out of it, my kid calls me grandma".
I thought that was pretty freaking funny.

How about when my dad told me that he was so distracted he left the house and used the car key control to close the door. He heard the beep from the car that was parked closeby, and thought the door was closed. Classic baby. You can't make this shit up.

This morning E gets out of the car and says - "MOM, see this mark here, it's a spider bite. I didn't tell you, and now the venom is all inside me. I'm Spiderman." I told him, Ok E just don't go trying to climb any trees in your new clothes. What else am I supposed to say?

Yes, I need my own column, preferably in playgirl haha. j.k.

Random - Diary 39

2010-04-27T08:03:00.002-04:00

I've been to the motherfucking mountain top
Heard motherfuckers talk, seen 'em drop
If I ain't got a weapon I'ma pick up a rock
And when I bust yo ass I'm gonna continue to rock
Get you ass of the wall with your two left feet
It's real easy just follow the beat

How I love you EMINEM.

That is all for today folks.

;)

Slipping - Diary 38

2010-04-11T23:41:00.004-04:00

Can you say, let’s throw diet out the window, say fuck it and eat everything on the south side of the house? Yes we can! And did!

Sometimes we are so good and the pounds drop one by one, two by two and twenty five.

This weekend was a hard weekend, but there have been other ones. This one was hard for reasons I don’t want to detail. I’m at the end of my patience, the tip of the iceberg has been chopped off. Tired of seeing the crazies loose, tired of listening to the daily complaints, the stress of the upcoming wedding I’ll look awful for, and the bullshit of the daily grind. Thank god for that man that I profess love for on a daily basis. He sets me straight.

Freaking migraines that prevent me from blowing my nose without pain.

I gave up today, I ate bananas, strawberries, bread, a freaking donut, hazelnut coffee, some ice tea and a god damn hazelnut coffee (I typed that twice for effect). Yes, I had all that today plus a steak. No potatoes, just tomato and corn as accompaniment. Had to draw the line somewhere. The bread was so good, the sub kind, it melted in my mouth; or my mouth was so hot from drooling the bread just slid through. Sick, I know.

Denial of my current state of affairs drove me to watch 5 episodes in a row of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and then RuPauls show for the rest of the afternoon. In between those shows, I went to the market, bought three pairs of shoes (guys, shoes NEVER make you look fat and they always fit), helped my husband with the driveway, my son with his homework, made lunch and dinner, did 5 loads of laundry, cleaned the stove/oven and talked to my friend L.

I do a lot when I’m on a self pity quest.

My mom is leaving on Friday with my grandfather so he can have surgery with his dr. in South America, and I won’t be there to help. What if something goes wrong and he dies? Why doesn’t anyone every want to talk about these things, everyone rather just press the ignore button and ride along as if nothing? What if Friday morning is the last day I see the man I love so much? Why can’t he have the surgery here? Why do I feel like I’m about to blow, and not anyone that will thank me for it later?

Well, I just finished watching Sherlock Holmes and now I’m all dreamy of Sherlock Holmes. My friend got drunk all afternoon, and I ate all things bad for me. What a pair we make. I know he’ll be ok by tomorrow, recovering from his personal crisis, while I can’t be sure of what tomorrow will bring. Dude, you sent me muffins and chocolate kisses. I still think you rock big time for that.

One thing is for sure. Lil C calling me aunt S, and sending me kisses over the phone while saying ok ok ok ok made me smile when I didn’t think I could.

Tomorrow I have to start from 0 again, what a fucking drag.

At least I have my sanity.

Hey, at least I don’t pretend my life is perfect…so there.

Note: it’s pretty close to perfect though.

Where was I? - Diary 37

2010-04-03T18:45:00.009-04:00

I was taking a break, soaking up the sun, getting a tan, relaxing under a palm tree, drinking beer and not getting drunk, laughing often and with feeling.

That's right, I took a vacation.

With my great husband, my kids and great friends.

Met some cool people but neglected to capture them on film. They don't know I like to blog. I don't think they are the blogging type.

J.A.M.A.I.C.A. mon!, it was groovy. (Does anyone say groovy anymore?).

The food was delicious, fish, fish and more fish. All types of fruits, and veggies by the dozen. Some curry chicken and some other funky stuff I tried a little and liked it. A bartender who made me laugh and knew the fruity drink I liked (without alcohol). Watching grown ass mothers drunk at the bar made me sick. Only temporarily because otherwise I didn't give a shit.

No tv watching, no computer (well, I did sneak that one day for two hours), no cooking (oh yes), no making the bed, no responsibilities other than making sure the kids ate and didn't wonder off. The nanny was a success at the resort, she took Em, and he took to her quickly. The kid was born to have an entourage. Did I even spell that right?

How much do you love how quiet my spot was every morning? lovely view, silence and a lot of beauty.

A lot of peace.

Peace is good.

Some color is always good....
Welcome to Jamaica mon, no problem!

Secrets - Diary 36

2010-03-16T12:44:00.007-04:00

Where do secrets go?

If you tell a secret, then it's not a secret anymore.

I know secrets. Sometimes they weight a ton.

So how about this?

I'm letting them go, the secrets that is, well maybe the owners of them. Most didn't deserve my loyalty and love. Keep your secrets I say!

Maybe I'll find a Quija Board...and ask questions. It may certainly hold my secrets. I may not have to speak but think really hard and my fingers will do the walking. One letter, then two, then three....I'll create my own destiny.

Take your crap back, it's weight does not need be on me anymore. I wonder if I will lose a pound or two in the process, I do need it.

The dr. says stress, you have to give up stress. In the movie Angel Eyes the hot dude (oh my god he's hot) says something like...Let's start from scratch and then he points to the empty apartment and says, this is scratch.

SCRATCH bitches.

Honestly, not hating, just cleansing and I've been happy. Which is good, fantastic even.

Tomorrow it's a new day again, and as I dig deeper I scrape the crud that is stuck deep and doesn't want to come out.

On other news, lick me, my new scrub is Vainilla Bean and I smell like a Starbucks cupcake

With a brittish accent I say BRILLIANT
xoxoxox

Shadow 4 - Diary 35

2010-03-14T19:48:00.007-04:00

Cam shook her hair free from her tight bun and let out a sigh. Her hair was long, the curls were soft and ticklish against her bare back. She started the shower and waited for the water to get hot enough. She loved this, being alone in her shower with her thoughts and fantasies. For some odd reason lately she felt watched in her living room and kitchen. Silly thought since there was only gypsy living with her. Still, the bath felt secure and private; a place where she could float into another world, one where there was a guy, a home, and she was loved well and often.

She stepped into the tub, picked the Jasmine scented soap and lathered up her sponge. While she worked her body with the suds she transported herself to where she was walking hand in hand with her handsome man. He was tall, sexy blue eyes, crooked smile and resembled the man she saw outside her office building. She smiled and let herself be led to a restaurant, fed slices of cheese and grapes as she drank a delicious Merlot. Their fingers entwined and they stared into each others eyes for hours, talking about their future and how wonderful it was going to be. Their wedding would take place at the Bel-Air Hotel with 12 beautifully landscaped acres of garden….did she visit the website for the hotel enough times at work? Her dress would be simple, classic, something Grace Kelly would have worn, and her cousins would be her bridesmaids. She never got to make many friends so they were the only ones Cam could count on.

She washed her hair slowly and let the suds run down her body while the water hit her face in a rain like way. Her eyes closed, her head back she let the stress of the day wash away, and the feeling of having a wonderful life overwhelm her. Sometimes the tears would mix in with the water and the vivid memory of another life, another time took over. How can something so wonderful only be a dream? She felt it so incredibly real.

Reality hit when the door of the bathroom opened slightly and gypsy wondered in, tail in the air, moving like she owned the place. Such grace for a common cat. Cam took the hint and got out of the shower and dried off. She wiped the mirror with the towel and stared at her reflection in wonder. Her eyes were shiny and her coloring pink, her lips were full as if wanting desperately to be kissed, she grinned and blew a kiss to her image. What’s up hot stuff? Her body suddenly shivered and all she heard in her mind was…goodnight love, tomorrow is another day. . She looked around the bathroom and got her pajamas. Damn, now it was not just a felling, but a voice in her head.

Shadow 3 - Diary 34

2010-03-13T00:42:00.003-05:00

He claimed his shadow back right when Cam closed the door to the bathroom. He really had to stop doing this. Every night his self control was less and less, and every night he risked getting caught. She seemed to sense a presence around her but always brushed it off. Sometimes he just wanted to be close to her, inhale her perfume; it was nothing fancy, but it was her scent. Dante never took himself for a male that cared about such things, but lately whenever he passed by a blooming garden his body grew hard from that soft scent. He went as far as going to her bathroom and taking note on what soap and shampoo she used. He was getting old and cheesy. He smiled into the dark and recognized his friends scent.

Hi Derek! You can come out now.

Hey man, I was sent to check on you, it seems you are slacking on the job.

Says who? Dante asked knowing the answer before Derek spoke.

You know, the tight asses up there who want nothing more than to see us fail, just so they can inflict punishment. They love that Sadistic shit. Anyway, dude, your girl is pretty hot. I'm surprised you haven't hit that yet.

In a possessive rage Dante grabbed Derek by the neck, and pushed him hard against the wall. You will not speak of her that way. She's not like the rest. She's royalty to us, and we need to protect her, we are not worthy of even looking at her in the eye. You dig? He slowly let Derek go and his young friend massage his neck which bore red marks from Dante’s strong fingers.

Yeah man, I dig. Sorry. It's just that your reputation is pretty sick. With that, he disappeared into the night. Probably worried that the council had someone spying on them, and would give him a hard time about disrespecting his superior. Dante knew they gave him this job because Cam was not his type. He liked his women lose, blond and if possible attached to someone other than him. Cam might be royalty for the council, he was sure they considered her plain and not his type. She was not plain, she was delicious; from her long muscular legs to her auburn hair with natural red highlights that could only be seen if you got really close, which his shadow did, daily. He got close enough to measure the size of her waist, and how her head would fit perfectly under his chin. That day he had gone too far, he had gotten so close she actually seemed aroused. This was certainly not a game, but he loved playing with fire.

Dante looked to the window up on the second floor and whispered, goodnight love, tomorrow is another day.

Shadow2-Diary 33

2010-03-08T22:36:00.006-05:00

Cam drove home thinking of the handsome stranger. He was more than handsome, he was beautiful, but she had only seen him in the shadows. Cam was very shy and because she never thought of herself as a beauty, she had a hard time admitting that anyone would be attracted to her, especially someone of that caliber. Maybe he was really ugly in daylight, maybe he had 3 eyes or maybe he had all his teeth missing. Probably not, he was, Cam was certain, utter perfection. She licked her lips at the thoughts that were crossing her mind. She drove slower than usual until finally someone passed her and beeped the horn loudly. She laughed out loud, she must really be tired to be giving into this crazy fantasy world.

As her car pulled into her parking spot she felt sad. Coming home to just her cat was fine some days, but not so much today. She wished there was a family waiting for her behind the red door of her house. Cam bought this house with a lot of hard work, and insane amount of overtime. Her aunt had kept it in wonderful shape and her kids didn't want it when she passed away. Her aunt Marly raised her after her parents died when she was three. The woman had taught her so much and then has suddenly died at the age of 45 of a heart attack. Aunt Marly had left the house to her two daughters and Cam. Cam made sure she did what she needed to do to buy her cousins out, it had been hard, but she did it. Now, all this was hers, and it was waiting for a family to live in it, Cam thought the house cried out for it. Maybe it was just the cat purring by her leg.

She picked up Gypsy and gave her a kiss on the nose.
Hi baby!, missed me?.
You want dinner?
Sure, it will be ready in a jiffy.
How was your day love? good?. Mine was crazy.
Did I tell you about that new case I'm working on?

Stop me if you have heard all this before. Cam laughed at her conversation with Gypsy. Not because the conversation with a cat was extremelly silly, but because Gypsy was looking at her with very interested eyes. That's a cat for you, had her after the word "dinner".

Across the street, by the alley, Dante stood leaning against the wall of the old deli. His beautiful eyes closed. His shadow traveling across the way into Cams house. He had to stop doing this. He was becoming more of a stalker than a protector. His job was to make sure no harm came to her, that's what the council required. Sending his shadow to spy on her with her cat was not part of the job requirement. He started slow, only checking out the house before she walked in, making sure there was no danger for her. Then he stayed while she talked to her cat, now that was worth listening to, and it made him laugh. She was funny. If you saw her on the street, she was serious, confident and maybe a little stuffy looking. At home, in her pjs and her cat, she was vulnerable, sweet, beautiful, adorable, sexy, kissable, and all those other words that made his pants uncomfortable.

Shadow - Diary 32

2010-03-08T16:31:00.003-05:00

I'm doing it again, starting another story. I have so many, I know. Don't get me started. I feel those are "tainted", but one day they will make me want to pick them up and finish them.

It's only practice, I've never said I was a great writer. I've never claimed to be a good one. I just have so many stories in my head that need to come out.

Here we go...again.

*************************************************************************************

Every single day he watches her.

Every day he watches her walk out of the building and into her car. He never says hello or even looks up when she walks by, but he’s watching her.

If it were anyone else it might feel creepy, but he just doesn’t seem the stalker kind. The few times they made eye contact, his eyes were a soft blue and his eyelashes were long and dark. Why she paid attention to such things was not important. She had no intention of starting anything with a stranger that seemed to always be there when she arrived in the morning, and when she left at night.

Sometimes when she left for the night, the building seemed like the scariest place, dark and creepy. She parked where there was a light above her car because she was always the last to leave. Well, not the last, because he was always leaving after she did. In a weird way, it gave her comfort knowing he was there and watching when she left, unless he was just making her feel comfortable so he would attack when she least expected it. Active imagination, she always had a very active imagination. Cam had to laugh at her thoughts, she was probably going crazy from all the overtime she did at the office. He was handsome and so tall. She knew he would tower over her and she liked that. Now that she thought about it, his mouth was not bad at all; full and kissable. She looked around like a fool in case she had just said that out loud although she knew she had not. No one can read your thoughts Cam, you are packing a whole lot of crazy right now, girl! Talking to herself didn’t help her cause.

In the shadows he smiled as he watched her walking towards her car and looking around as if someone was right next to her. He had to stop doing that to her or she would start to freak out and really report him to the authorities. His ability to leave his body and become a shadow was handy when he just wanted to be next to her and feel her presence close. “Shadow” as his friends have been calling him for 400 years loved the scent of her, and he really needed to get a life or finally say something to her.

He practiced in the dark corner the best way to approach her:

-Hi, I’m Shadow.

He shook his head. No. No.

-Hi, I’m Dante, and I think you are the most beautiful creature that has ever crossed my path. Marry me.

He laughed out loud at his last statement. I’m sure that would go well.
One more time.

-Hi, I’m Dante. Would you like to go out for coffee tomorrow after work?

Yes, that would work, unless she freaked out and ran screaming. He was a big guy, 6’4” and pure muscle. His shadow was smaller and less intimidating, but probably way scarier if you didn’t know.

He watched her walk to her car still, trying to gain the guts to talk to her, still fixated in her walk. She had the most incredible walk. Most women were not great walking on those high heels, but Cam was a natural. Her body swayed perfectly and her legs were lean and with enough muscle to know she’s be ok with being lifted into mid air while he…..Stop that! She’s not just a fuck toy. Well, maybe she wants to be a fuck toy. It doesn’t look like she’s been had in a long time; he’s never picked up “just had sex” scent from her. Nice Shadow, talking to yourself is really not going to win you points in the sane department. He was definitely glad his friends were not around to see him make a fool of himself. Finally, when got into her car safely he recalled his shadow and disappeared into the night. Tomorrow will be another day, and maybe he’d have the guts then.