The High Tech Way

2011-09-01T22:01:40-04:00

Working mom's lament. There is no end to the schedule. Someone is always sick, or in a crisis, or needing a snack, or needing a spreadsheet and recommendations. Or maybe there's an amazing scoop story that must be covered (if you are a journalist like I am).

This summer was worse. I made sure everyone else was having a good time. Jack in YMCA sports camp. James in a new day camp with hopes it would help with his behavioral problems at preschool (which it did). No worries that the locations were in opposite directions from our house because that's what moms do.

Two business trips for me, one for the husband. A family reunion/memorial for my dad 9 hours away by car. A trip to visit husband's family in California. By the end of the summer -- exhausted. Seriously. Checking out beach front escapes on VRBO.com. Obsessively. Without any idea of how I could ever afford the money or time.

Then I get the call: "You won the trip!" One of my yoga studios that had held a raffle to raise money for an instructor whose health insurance company dumped her just when she needed them. I bought two tickets in the raffle. I won the yoga retreat to a beach house in South Carolina.

So I went. I did yoga twice a day. I ate vegetarian food most of the day. I read a novel on the deck overlooking the ocean, in between naps. (I haven't read a novel in 5 years? 6 years? Only The Economist and other non-fiction mostly job related...) Closed my eyes and listened to the ocean. I missed my boys, yes. But OMG it was so transformative to have some down time. I cannot remember the last time that really happened (not including when I took a few days off after my dad died last year).

The muscles in my back between my shoulder blades started to loosen just the tiniest bit. They are chronically tight. A massage therapist recently referred to them as "bricks! This is where you hold all your stress."

Yoga weekend reminded me how to let go. I'm afraid of losing that feeling now that I'm back in reality.

Feeling too fat to return to my challenging yoga classes, but I desperately want to be there.

Where Have I Been? Out of my Brain on the 5:15! OK, Not Really.

2011-08-14T01:03:38-04:00

But I had that song on my mind tonight, and there was one day in the last few years when I heard it ont he radio and it completely BLEW AWAY anything before it or after it. Amazingness!

We are headed to California. Visiting the old turf. I lived there for 12 years and it feels like my other home town.

Just in terms of an update: the 4 year old's new day camp has been amazing for him. And I know that when the school year starts that it will be even better for him.Lessons learned: he freaks out when there are big assemblies. He freaks out a circle time. He hates when people sing happy birthday (and most anything else). And at his birthday party this summer, I had everyone speak the words to the happy birthday song. That made him laugh instead of cry, which I count as a major success. He loves the flesh of female human arms. Mine the most, but whoever is around will do. He just wants to rub his face on it. It may be painful and pinchy. But you kind of put up with it because he is such a love.

6 year old has been going to sports day camp at the ymca which has been awesome for him. He's tan, he's getting more confident with the idea of swimming and he has those cool handmade ankle bracelets made by young girls in arts-and-crafts. He looks like such a summer guy, and when he gets home he is too tired to talk. (which is another amazing thing.)

Both boys had a fabulous summer. I did some traveling for the job as well. But my soul seriously longed for some time away listening to ocean waves. My new years resolution and goal going forward is more down time for me. I am exhausted. I work hard all day and then i work hard most of the night, getting the boys lunches together, their bathing suits, towels, water bottles, etc.All this prep work takes away from the time I get to spend just with them, listening to their amazing stories about their days or what their plans are, or anything. Momma needs some downtime. Seriously.

I've been looking at beach cottages on zillow. I've been checking out rentals on the beach. I've been thinking about quick retreat weekends where I can be alone and quiet for 48 hours. I am absolutely grateful for everything I have. But to be my very best, I need to take good care of myself too. I haven't been doing that at all. Not even close.

But did I mention that I'm grateful for what I have. I absolutely know that not everyone is as lucky as I am. I know that. And I'm thinking about you, too.

Preschool sucks!

2011-06-15T22:21:27-04:00

Also, did I mention that my youngest son, the sweetheart of the universe, was more or less thrown out of preschool? If you aren't listening to him ( which isn't always easy because it's not so easy to always understand him when he speaks) he gets pissed off. He hits, he bites, he's generally the nightmare child of preschool. He's been home with me officially since the beginning of June and unoffically for way longer than that because he got sent home every single day for a long long time.

We are moving to a Montessori daycamp on Monday. I'm hoping this is better for him. Because what he says about his old school is that it is too loud. And I wonder about sensory integration. His dad has issues with sound. He and his brother always hold their hands over their ears in public bathrooms, afraid of the noise of loud public toilets...

Hoping for a better Monday. I've been juggling in an insane way ( I have a regular job and work from home ) for the past month plus. Seriously, need several days of watching the ocean and getting massages. Or just not this. send help...

Life in Modern Times

2011-06-15T22:11:31-04:00

My husband is massively out of sorts. Work problems, problems with his beloved volunteer gig. There's nothing I can do to help but offer the help that has already been rejected.

Dads

2011-06-14T23:52:07-04:00

My dad died on November 21, and I'm still having dreams about him being sick. He had multiple myeloma, a blood cancer which attacks the bones. When I realized he was declining I signed up for Team in Training, the organization that runs marathons to raise money for blood cancer research. I did the Philly half marathon. I got up at 4:30 am the morning of November 21 to do it. Finished. Got a voice mail during mile 6 that I needed to come now to be with my dad. After finishing, I drove to New England with my brother. My dad had waited for us, and died a half hour after we got there.

I miss him every day. So many things I want to tell him. So many things I wish I could talk to him about. I can hear his voice and his laugh. I can imagine what he would say about things. I have his journals and his little spiral bound notepads. Hundreds of them. But I miss talking to him. I just miss him.I just miss him.