Getting Them Sober

http://gettingthemsober.com/alcohol-and-health.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/alcoholism-recovery.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/children-of-alcoholics.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/cocaine-drug-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Drug-Addiction-Statistics.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-blog.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/effects-of-drug-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-treatment.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Heroin-Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-intervention.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Introduction-of-Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/OxyContin-Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/contact-us.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/teen-drug-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/about-drug-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Causes-of-Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Alcoholism-Facts.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Cause-of-Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-marijuana.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-prevention.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Crack-Cocaine-Addiction-Stories.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Drug-addiction-Choice.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/prescription-drug-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-family.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-and-marriage.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Opiate-Addiction-Facts.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/addiction-recovery-now.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Percocet-Abuse-Stories.html

Irrational guilt when he's being nice, but still drinking.

2011-11-28T09:23:00.000-05:00

Alcoholics usually go through MANY times when they want to be nice......and the acting-out // unavailable behavior just is not there.

And that's when we often start to feel like "why am I such a b*tch...thinking badly of him....thinking he's going to do 'it' again.... and he's been so nice!"

We're forgetting about the progression of the disease, when we think like this.

Even with the BEST of intentions-------- the next drink makes the disease of alcoholism progress forward.

And with that progression, brings more brain damage, more broken promises (that he really DID mean to keep).

That's what A.A. means when it says, "POWERLESS over alcoholism".

OF COURSE you don't feel trusting!
You want to trust the MAN------ but it would be silly to trust his DISEASE.

And the disease is what propels his behavior, his feelings, his abilities, his motivation.

As the disease progresses forward, one can usually expect what a friend described so well---------- "Last year, he was nice 5 days a week and nasty for 2 days a week. This year, it has reversed. He's nice 2 days a week, on average.......and nasty 5 days a week, on average. Nothing in his life has changed------except for the fact that he's been drinking for yet another year."

More Topics:

http://gettingthemsober.com/alcohol-and-health.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/alcoholism-recovery.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/children-of-alcoholics.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Drug-Addiction-Statistics.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/dysfunctional-families.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-blog.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/effects-of-drug-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-treatment.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Heroin-Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-intervention.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Introduction-of-Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/OxyContin-Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/contact-us.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/teen-drug-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/about-drug-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Causes-of-Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Alcoholism-Facts.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Cause-of-Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-marijuana.html

Does Al-Anon say to tell them what they did?

2011-11-10T11:41:00.000-05:00

Al-Anon says, "Tell him about his alcoholism one time and don't keep talking to him about it."

a.) If you get a chance to do an intervention that would work------- you have a much higher chance of it working out, if you haven't told him over and over, about what he's doing and what he should be doing and what he has not yet done that he should have done because he's promised, etc.

When you have talked over and over about his drinking---- the intervention often then seems like just another time of lecturing him.

b.) Some alcoholics do listen to what you say-------- and then get help. MOST DO NOT.

Most alcoholics do not listen to what you say------only to what you do.
No matter how much they say they listen to you.

c.) Alcoholics love it when you tell them how to be-------what they should be doing, etc.

I've told the story that Isabel did, on this bulletin board, a year or more ago. It bears repeating.

(Isabel was the co-founder of Al-Anon in Baltimore over 55 years ago.)

She had a neighbor who always 'wagged' her finger at Isabel------even repeatedly told her, "If I had your husband, I'D be able to straighten him out!"

Well, one holiday weekend, Isabel took her up on her offer!

She told her she could 'have' her husband for the weekend. She said there was one thing that must be adhered to-------- The woman could not return him until Monday evening.

The woman readily agreed.

Isabel packed the children's clothes and prepared them to go with her to the beach. She brought her alcoholic husband to her next-door neighbor's house, to be in the custody of the woman and her husband til the following Mon. evening.

Well, the woman sat up and told Isabel's husband all about alcoholism and what it was doing to his brain and his body and his family and his soul......etc etc.

Isabel's husband was very very attentive.

He listened 'seriously' and nodded and told her how much he was learning from her.......and how much some of the information surprised him ....... and how grateful he was.........and how close he felt to her and her husband, now!

The woman glowed with success.

She went to bed. (They had had their talk in the finished basement.)

The next morning, she went to the basement, and saw that he had drank up the entire bar that he found in a cupboard in that finished basement.

She called Isabel, frantic, "take him back!"

Isabel said, "oh no. Our agreement was that he stay there til Monday night."

That was the end of the neighbor's putting Isabel down for not telling her husband in just the right way.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, most alcoholics love it when you talk to them, repeatedly, about their drinking.
They see it as a safety valve for you....... 'go ahead and talk......get it out of your system."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now, it often is effective if you've been a person who has pretty constantly told the alcoholic off when you "change tactics say it only once" and don't talk about it anymore------- he often then gets scared.

"How come she's not talking about it anymore?!"

It's because you've given the disease back to him.

He then knows he has it all by himself.
The cheese stands alone.

Many an alcoholic has run to A.A. because he got scared because his wife no longer paid any attention to his drinking.

He SAW her detachment-------- her Al-Anon detachment that gave his disease back to him.........And that gave her peace.

d.) Now, there are alcoholics who do respond to your talking to them about how they really are and what they have really done.

But if you've already done it repeatedly, it's what I just wrote------- it's usually counter-productive.

But if your alcoholic has never heard you say what is really going on...... it can be very effective to say it once........ and not again..........until and unless you are prepared to DO something about it if he does not get help.
THAT is an intervention.

e.) What is another kind of intervention? When we let the crises happen (there is a chapter in "Getting Them Sober, volume one" called "let the crises happen) ------- when we let them happen........when we don't clear up the messes.........OFTEN, that is MUCH MUCH louder than ANYTHING you can say to him.

Example......... if he comes home and passes out on the floor------- providing it is not life-threatening -------- it is usually best to let him lie there.

If you pick him up and put him on the sofa......or put an afghan over him------- he'll wake up and think, 'oh, I have no problem'.

But if he wakes up and sees he is lying in his own mess-in-his-pants......... he KNOWS he has a problem.

And if you don't talk about it--------- THAT is loud!........louder than words.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yes, some alcoholics do get help when you talk with them about alcoholism and what it is doing to them and what they have done that they do not remember-------but MOST do not respond well if you do it more than once.

If it worked to lecture them (and that IS what it is called when you repeatedly tell them what they did and what they should have done and what they do not remember and etc etc) --------- THEN 99% OF ALCOHOLICS WOULD BE SOBER.......because we almost all lectured them all night, night after night after night.

WE lost sleep and had to work the next day.
THEY don't remember most of what we said........and if they do remember our 'talks'------they get upset and just drink again and blot it out.

Some do remember what we say--------- but the longer they drink alcoholically, the sicker they get, and the worse their memory is.

They're often lucky if they remember what year it is.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Often, too, when we 'speak' less about what their problem is----- we usually appear to them as less vulnerable.

When we chronically tell them what is wrong and how it is affecting us----- they somehow often interpret that as they have us 'in their clutches'......i.e., that they have power over us.

The opposite often happens, then........ if we stop the constant telling them they are hurting us------ they often start to get worried that they have LOST that power over us.

They can escalate-------but WE usually get to a point, then, where we realize that we "have seen it all".......... NOT that it doesn't hurt when they 'do it again'.........but they somehow lose the power to totally devastate us anymore.

Not that we don't reel when he does something particularly awful......... but when we are in family recovery, OUR ability to get centered again to what WE need--------- is much quicker ------- and their ability to devastate gets lessened.

Of course, this does not mean we need to stay with them......... this is just what happens when they throw zingers and we are involved with them....and how family recovery does heal us.

Of course, too, even when separated, they throw zingers. (For more on this, you can read the chapters from the "Getting Them Sober, volume 4"
book in the section on this website called "DOZENS of GTS book chapters". (That book is all about the hidden issues when we are separated............. good to know even if you decide to stay with him...... it helps prepare you if you ever do decide to leave).

More Topics:

http://gettingthemsober.com/alcohol-and-health.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/alcoholism-recovery.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/children-of-alcoholics.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/dysfunctional-families.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Treatment-Does-Not-Matter.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-intervention-5.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-treatment-programs-1.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/About-Alcohol.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-12-Step-4.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-Intoxication.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Causes-of-Alcohol-Abuse.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Drug-Alcoholism-Questions.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Drugs-Alcohol-Recovery.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Vicious-One-Two-Punch.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-symptoms.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/effects-of-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-stories.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/OXYCOTTON-Addiction-Facts.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-facts.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/cocaine-drug-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Drug-Addiction-Statistics.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-blog.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/effects-of-drug-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-treatment.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Heroin-Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-intervention.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Introduction-of-Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/OxyContin-Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/contact-us.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/teen-drug-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/about-drug-addiction.html

Divorce settlement--when $//pension//etc. is involved

2011-10-28T09:52:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, when there is a divorce from an alcoholic, there are lump-sum settlements options......or one can get the money monthly or in years to come (as in shared pension).

Sometimes, it is an excellent idea to agree to accepting a lump-sum settlement ------- even if the total amount of money is less than what would be if one got it in payments over years.

Alcoholic men die, on an average, around 13 years earlier than other men.

Alcoholic men OFTEN lose their ability to make money, as they progress into late-stage alcoholism.

The brain damage does that.

This is not advice for anyone-------just options to consider in order to protect yourself and your children.

AND------- if there is ever a reconciliation later between the two of you ------- it would be very good to still have half of that money left.

I've heard literally thousands of cases told me ----- where he lost it all----- on booze/women/jewelry and trips to fancy places with women........etc etc.

If you get the half of the money---------while there still IS money left------and while he still can make a living-------- it might be a really good idea to consider.

More Topics:

http://gettingthemsober.com/alcohol-and-health.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/alcoholism-recovery.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/children-of-alcoholics.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/dysfunctional-families.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/effects-of-alcohol.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Treatment-Does-Not-Matter.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-intervention-5.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-treatment-programs-1.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/About-Alcohol.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-12-Step-4.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-Intoxication.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Causes-of-Alcohol-Abuse.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Drug-Alcoholism-Questions.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-symptoms.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/effects-of-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-stories.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/OXYCOTTON-Addiction-Facts.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-facts.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/cocaine-drug-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Drug-Addiction-Statistics.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-blog.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/effects-of-drug-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-treatment.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Heroin-Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-intervention.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Introduction-of-Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/OxyContin-Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/contact-us.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/teen-drug-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/about-drug-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Causes-of-Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Alcoholism-Facts.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Cause-of-Drug-Addiction.html

Is he getting away with rotten behavior if say "disease"?

2011-10-24T09:54:00.000-04:00

Why do people not want to believe that alcoholism is a disease?
a.) HMO's and some other insurance companies don't want to believe anything is a disease! Then, they have to pay for it! But, despite this (and believe me, if there were any loophole at all, they would find it!), they find
themselves having to go along with the American Medical Association and admit that it is, indeed a disease.

b.) What about other people? Why do people get angry when "it is called a disease"?

Let me tell a little vignette here. When I was on tour, training
counselors, later that evening in my hotel room, I was watching a talk show on tv. On stage with the host was a group of recovering alcoholics, whose body-language, in each of them, was very arrogant.
The audience looked very angry and got angrier each time that one of them said "he had a disease". I wanted to say to the host at the time, "please just ASK the audience why they feel so angry."

But I knew the answer-------- whenever I've counseled a family member who didn't want to hear "it's a disease", it was because she thought that if she said it was indeed a disease, THEN IT MEANT THAT THE ALCOHOLIC
WAS GETTING AWAY WITH IT.

After all, she thought -- he'd say, "hey I have a disease! I'M NOT
RESPONSIBLE, THEREFORE, FOR MY BEHAVIOR!"

What is the answer to all this?

a.) There is, of course, very valid reason for this anger from the families!
We have seen, over the years, a lot of people who do dastardly things to
other persons, "getting off scott-free" in the courts because they claim they had "bad childhoods" or have other excuses.

I personally remember listening to the cases of women who killed their
children, and thought to myself, "I hope she doesn't get off" ----- NOT
because I "wanted to punish"----- but because I had a mother who was terribly violent since I was born, and who maybe would have succeeded in doing all her children in ------- if she had not been afraid of the legal consequences.

In that same vein, I hoped these violent offenders would not get away with it------ so that the consequences of their actions would hopefully be a
deterrent to other people who otherwise have no inner "stop sign" and who would also harm/kill their children.

b.) But apart from the court system, what are the implications of whether or not we undertand that alcoholism is a disease, as far as treatment goes?

AND, how can we get treatment for the disease of alcoholism-------- and yet not let them get away with awful behavior towards their families because "they have a disease"?

What people often do not know or understand is the DEPTH of understanding that A.A. has about abusive behavior of the alcoholic.

A.A.'s program continually says that this is a 3-part disease.......
physical, mental, and spiritual. And it emphasizes that the alcoholic
jeapordizes his/her sobriety if he or she does not treat all three parts of
his disease.

The A.A. program does NOT say, "hey, I've got a disease....... so get off my back. I'm not responsible."

It is just the opposite...... A.A. says that if you have this disease, the
ONLY way to stay sober is to be responsible // make amends.

c.) What happens if the alcoholic tells you to accept his/her rotten
behavior when they are "sober" because they "have a disease"?

This excerpt is from the "Getting Them Sober, volume one" book ------
"If the alcoholic threatens you by saying "you'd better shape up and accept his behavior just because he's not drinking anymore, then he's not sober, he's just dry. All he's done is remove the booze. True sobriety does not behave like that. Sober people are sane people. They don't threaten their families with abandonment just because they are not drinking. As a matter of fact, it is just the opposite------they are so GRATEFUL to the family for sticking with them ------that they try very hard to MAKE AMENDS to them for all the grief of past years.

"Remember: if he chooses to treat only one-third of his disease -- the
physical addiction -- instead of his whole disease-- then he is one who will
suffer. He is the one who is playing Russian roulette with his life."

More Topics:

http://gettingthemsober.com/alcohol-and-health.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/alcoholism-recovery.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/children-of-alcoholics.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Oxycotin.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-Information-Treatment.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/christian-treatment.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcohol-Dependence.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-Teens.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-Treatment-Centers.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-Withdrawal.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Residential-Treatment-Centers.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-treatment-programs.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcohol-Effects.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcohol-Intoxication.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Heroin-Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-intervention.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Introduction-of-Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/OxyContin-Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/contact-us.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/teen-drug-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/about-drug-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Causes-of-Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Alcoholism-Facts.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Cause-of-Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-marijuana.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-prevention.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Crack-Cocaine-Addiction-Stories.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Drug-addiction-Choice.html

WHY it's important for healing--to not say 'enablers' .

2011-10-15T21:05:00.000-04:00

For OUR family healing (and "if it's good for the family, it's good for the alcoholic") ---- it's SO important how we phrase our words-----when we are speaking of our actions.

Here, below, I've "copied and pasted" an excerpt from the "Getting Your Children Sober" book, on the subject of "enabling".

******** THIS MATERIAL ALSO APPLIES TO RELATIONSHIPS WITH ADULT ALCOHOLICS...........

More Topics:

http://gettingthemsober.com/alcohol-and-health.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/alcoholism-recovery.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/children-of-alcoholics.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/dysfunctional-families.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/effects-of-alcohol.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-12-Step-6.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-Drinking-Information.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-Effects-on-Body.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-Teen-Challenge.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-step-7.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Effects-of-Alcohol-Drugs.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Prisons-and-Alcoholism.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-detox-2.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-questions-II3.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-questions-II4.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Side-Effects-of-Cocaine.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-causes.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-symptoms.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/effects-of-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-stories.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/OXYCOTTON-Addiction-Facts.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-facts.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/cocaine-drug-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Drug-Addiction-Statistics.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-blog.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/effects-of-drug-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-treatment.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Heroin-Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-intervention.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Introduction-of-Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/OxyContin-Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/contact-us.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/teen-drug-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/about-drug-addiction.html

Here it is-------

“Enabling” is meant to describe the rescue operations that the spouse or parent of an alcoholic carries out, when he can’t stand watching the alcoholic suffer the consequences of the disease. When that happens, he “cleans up” the alcoholic’s messes. That way, the alcoholic doesn’t suffer the real consequences of his behavior.

A parent (or spouse) must learn, eventually, to get some detachment on watching these crises happen in order to stop cleaning up after the alcoholic.
The idea is to allow the disease to hurt the alcoholic/addict so much that he or she wants to get sober. Of course, it takes a partner/parent a lot of time in a healing group such as Al-Anon in order to be able to do this.
And this detachment can’t be forced or rushed by counselors.
It is a slow process, and very frightening.

When a mother rescues her alcoholic child and I label her an enabler, she obviously is still doing the rescuing behaviors and is not yet unafraid enough to give them up.
She knows I am being judgmental when I use this term.
Even when I say it lovingly, I seem to be admonishing her to go faster than she is capable of doing at that time.
And she often feels despairing, because she is doing her best.
She may get so discouraged and frustrated and overwhelmed that she stops treatment.

More specifically, the term 'enabler' implies that while the parents did not cause the drinking, their rescue operations contributed to the PERPETUATION of the drinking (i.e., that we somehow "contributed" to the disease with our actions).

Such thinking is dangerous; it leads alcoholics, who are already looking for a way to blame others for the drinking, into again placing responsibility for the drinking on the family.

Alcoholics do not need any encouragement to blame others!

Alcoholism counselors spend most of their time trying to crack through the blame-systems of alcoholics.
It is considered to be a major breakthrough in the wellness process of alcoholics when they begin to acknowledge that nothing “got them drunk.”

In contrast, alcoholics who have had relapses and are re-entering treatment are now often heard saying, “I wouldn’t have gone out that time if I hadn’t been enabled!”

The alternative to being labeled enablers is-------- to teach you to end the rescue operations through the simple but effective process of detachment.

For, detachment will help end your fears – and it is your fears that originally caused you to rescue.

And even though, in this book, we are primarily talking about parents and kids, the detachment process is especially important if you also are married to an alcoholic.

It is important for you to lose your fears of that adult alcoholic so you can get on with your life and become more able to deal with your children-alcoholics.

How does detachment work?

How does it help you to lose your fears of your alcoholic child or spouse?

The general process goes something like this:

1) When you begin to learn ways to stop watching the alcoholic in order to begin the healing process of seeing to your own needs, the alcoholic has radar and senses this switch in focus.

2) Much of the “games” stop then, because the alcoholic knows that less attention will be paid to him or her.

3) By continuing to focus on yourself instead of the alcoholic, you get an even greater distance (detachment) from the threats, and begin to lose your fears of them.

4) Again, the alcoholic senses this. He or she begins to threaten even less.

5) You see that detachment works! You gain more confidence. Many of the illusions in your relationship, are beginning to end.

6) You lose much of your preoccupation with the alcoholic.

Your preoccupation was based on your needing to stop him or her from hurting you.

You now see they are much less capable of hurting you than you thought.

They’ve already done most of the damage they can do.

But the game has been to keep up more of the same junk, to keep up the illusion that the alcoholic is powerful.

This no longer works. You have learned not to look at him or her; to walk out of the room; out of the house – to not beg.

7) The alcoholic now stands alone with his or her disease. "The cheese stands alone".

They’ve lost their audience, and therefore drop much of the bullying.

You are not watching it.

The alcoholic can no longer get you to believe you are responsible for his or her drinking and for the resultant craziness of their disease.

9) The alcoholic has a chance to grow up and make a decision to get help.

10) You are free.

When I teach parents and partners of alcoholics, the dynamic of what I have just described, they begin to naturally let go of the disease – to detach, and therefore stop 'enabling' – because they are losing their fears of the alcoholics. All of us stop manipulating and controlling alcoholics/addicts when we lose our fears of them....and our fears of losing their love.

NOW------ what is a better term for us to use instead of 'enabling'----since our using that term perpetuates the idea that we are to blame.

Using the term "rescuer" instead of "enabler" to describe our actions to bail them out of the consequences of their disease, helps us much more than using the word 'enabler'.

The connotation of the word 'rescuer' is a kind connotation.
Who are rescuers? Fireman, policemen.
When WE say 'we have rescued'------instead of 'we are enablers'----- we are using a term that is kind to us.

And boy do we need to do more of that.

ALSO--------- below, I've copied and pasted one of the Recovery Tips of the Month (from that section of this website) that details this subject.

Here it is------

"September, 2002, Recovery Tip of the Month"

It was about 1984 that I first started noticing the subtle and not-so-subtle attacks on the spouses of alcoholics in some of the literature about alcoholism and the family.

a.) The first launch on the families in some of the literature started calling the families "enablers" instead of "rescuers". (think of the difference in connotation----- the first term has the "feel" of a deliberate act of helping the alcoholic to stay drunk---- the second has a much more gentle "feel" of a family member who is loving and well-meaning but who is using ineffective means to help.)
b.)Then, it got a bit worse -- the spouse of the alcoholic started being called The Chief Enabler..... the connotation there needs almost no explanation. It screams of an almost planned deliberate plan of action to keep the alcoholic sick.
c.) Then, towards the end of the 1980's, there appeared a few articles in journals that claimed that Al-Anon was really only a place for spouses of alcoholics who were basically hopeless......hopelessly attached to the alcoholic and not strong enough to be one of those majority of stronger wives of alcoholics who COULD break away. Around that time, I started receiving hundreds of phone calls from families about these very questions ------ families whose heads were spinning from not knowing what to do when they were confronted by counselors they just met who insisted that they leave decades-long marriages because (they were told) they
were either "enablers" or "too codependent". They were told that if they tried to help their spouses, they were "enablers". If they wanted to stay in their marriages, they were "too codependent". (Around that time, I read an article in the Baltimore Sunpapers about a reporter who watched a film, along with family members, at a local treatment center, entitled "the enablers" ------and the reporter watched the families' angry faces after the film was over. The reporter asked the families, why
are you so angry? One woman put it so well------- "If we're helping, we're enablers; if we're angry, we're b**ches. When do we win?!"

What is very difficult to get some people to understand is, is that this disease of alcoholism ----- this crazymaking, emotionally abusive behavior of the drinking alcoholic ------ is so terrifying to the family, and yet is, at the same time, so cunningly hooking in its way of going from soul-destruction of the family to making the family feel so special, so close -- and back-and-forth and back-and-forth ------- that the result is that the family is so turned on its head and confused and winds up so lacking in self-trust and self-worth that it halfway believes that it will literally fall apart without that alcoholic. (I go more into this in the chapter called "the
irregular behavior of the alcoholic keeps us attached" in the book, "Getting Them Sober, volume 4". This resultant hooking-attachment that occurs is SO strong that it baffles even counselors at battered women's shelters. There is often a huge turnover in personnel at those shelters because they feel so frustrated at why these women go back to abusers.

What is not understood is that when counselors keep asking, "WHY do you stay?!" -- it only adds shame. Shame because the spouse of course knows that "taking it" is awful-----but she cannot leave. And shame does not make one be able to leave the marriage...... it only means she'll leave the counseling. And what the simplistic admonition to "leave the codependent relationship" also does not take into account is what Al-Anon, that God-given program, has always known------ that many marriages that seemed awful can be saved when one person changes. It does not always take two. One person changing his or her behavior can change the entire outlook of the family.

There seems to be two diametrically-opposed "poles" out there, now --- two theoretical concepts that still keep drumming on the families of alcoholics ---- specifically on the spouses -----

a.) that if one is "strong", one does not stay with someone who is emotionally abusive
b.) that if one is truly Christian, one stays with your spouse..... learns communications skills, learns the marriage skills based on true religion that will work to make the marriage successful. When I wrote the first volume of "Getting Them Sober" in the late 1970's that was later published in 1980, I wrote this in the introduction: "This book won't tell you, perhaps like a well-meaning friend might do, to "throw the bum out". Only you know what you can live with and what you cannot live with. On the other hand, I know you don't need any more outsiders telling you to "stop attacking the poor guy"."
Not much has changed, has it?

The point is, what DOES work in helping families of alcoholics to heal is to accept them EXACTLY where they are....... not play God and tell them they should leave OR stay in marriages...... assume they are adults and have the God-given right and dignity to make their own decisions.... and gently help them untangle the huge ball of tangled string of issues at their own pace, in their own time.

Very few people "move" out of any dysfunctional situation if they are shamed for staying. And constantly telling someone that they shouldn't "be taking it anymore" is an IMPLIED shaming. What DOES work? When I am counseling, I stress --

a.) you must, to the best of your ability, not minimize what is going on.
b.) you must, to the best of your ability, not shame yourself for not being able to move in any direction, take any steps, as quickly as you think you should -- or even at all.
c.) you must at least try Al-Anon for 8 meetings..... precisely because it is a spiritual program, when we start to say no to the littlest thing where we did not do so before, an irrational unconscious guilt sets in and that guilt is a real kicker! What saying no even a little bit does to MOST of us spouses of alcoholics is set off guilt ------ so then we try to "make up to the alcoholic" for "being so mean" as to say no, for the first time. We usually do not even know we are having this reaction-response --- we think we are punishing them when we start to say "no" with even a smidgeon of anger in our voices. But when we find a Higher Power that is gentle with us, we get a kind of spiritual "permission" to say no to those things that we used to put up with. Why is that important? Because most of us families of alcoholics have been so beaten down that we need that spiritual permission to allow us to feel like we have the right to ANY dignity without guilt.
d.) When we allow ourselves the TOTAL freedom to stay OR to leave, we then don't feel scared to look at what is really going on...... there's no pressure..... there's no shame........ we're not frozen with terror, just thinking about "having to leave". We know that we have the right to stay or leave or stay and leave and stay
and leave again.......... and when we know that no one is making us feel ashamed or wrong for staying, and if we stay honest with ourselves about the situation, we heal much quicker!
e.) And as Al-Anon so wisely knows------ there are a lot of us who will become emotionally stronger IN that marriage and that strengthening may very well create a dynamic that can eventually result in a total healing of the family. But we cannot discover what is TRULY an authentic choice for ourselves unless we listen to only our inner voices, in our own time, in our own way. Years ago, in my counseling practice, I worked closely with Dr. Max Weisman....many of you will remember his name. He died a few years ago.... he was a real pioneer in this field, a psychiatrist who, decades ago, started a subcommittee on alcoholism in the American Medical Association. He spent summers in Russia and Eastern Europe, training other psychiatrists on how to adapt the 12-step programs in their countries that were essentially atheist in philosophy.... and he succeeded in helping them make that bridge for healing.
I remember him telling me that this field was the only one that he knew of that produced counselors who had the arrogance to tell people that they should break up their marriages. For about twenty years, now, there have been groups that have decried Al-Anon for spawning severe codependence...... and they have gotten followers. For the most part, these followers have been folks who, when you meet them, seem to be pretty strong people. But many of them only became strong after years in gentle groups like Al-Anon, that accepted them for what they were, that offered nothing but kindness and non-shaming help........ and I wonder if most of these now-strong people could have gotten to where they are now, if they had been made to feel so shamed "for staying in an emotionally abusive marriage" when they first walked into the rooms of Al-Anon -- terrified and unable to make a move?
One also hears from these groups that decry Al-Anon, that Al-Anon "is good for awhile, but it keeps people in codependent dead-end marriages". What they are saying is that after a while----- say, after a year or two----- one "should be able to get on with one's life" and leave a marriage where the alcoholic is still drinking.
This is just another variation on the same theme as I spoke of above, but this time, allows the spouse of the alcoholic a little slack -------- allows her/him to have a little time to "be codependent" and then says to her/him, "ok, get on with it..... time to leave".
f.) In my thirty-plus years of working in this field, training counselors, counseling families, I have found that helping families pull apart that big ball of wax of tangled threads----- the threads that are the lies the disease has made us believe ----- and helping the families see them in the light of day ------- helps to actually MELT the fears of the families..... and when those fears are melted........ and when, at the same time, I do not shame them and terrorize them into thinking that they must make moves that they either are not ready for OR THAT THEY SHOULD PROBABLY NOT EVER DO BECAUSE IT IS NOT GOOD FOR THEM FOR SOME REASON THAT I DON'T KNOW AND THAT THEY PROBABLY DO NOT KNOW AT THE TIME I AM COUNSELING THEM ----------- only then do they relax enough to trust enough to "turn it over" and learn, INTERNALLY, what is truly good for them.

How collect child support (even if child over 18 years old).

2011-10-13T11:01:00.000-04:00

If efforts to collect back-due child support are not working for you, in your State (and all States have differing laws on this) ------ then it often helps to see whether a Child Support Collection Agency can be beneficial in your case.
They work on a performance basis and only get paid when they collect for you. The negative with this strategy is that most of the agencies will take a portion of the money they collect ----- most get the first $375 that they collect).
But since they can also collect interest on the amount due, this usually covers most of their fees.
IMPORTANT----EVEN IF YOUR CHILD IS OVER THE AGE OF 18, IN MOST STATES IN THE U.S., THERE IS NO STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS, AND THE AGENCY CAN STILL COLLECT BACK-CHILD SUPPORT PAYMENTS DUE.
The top three collection agencies seem to be
a. 'nationalchildsupport' (I have heard that this one does not keep the first $375 it collects)
b. 'childsupport'
c. 'supportkids'
(you can Google Search for them, by typing in their names just as I have written them here -----without the single quote marks).
NOTE-----it is very important to carefully review (with an attorney) any documents you are given to sign---before signing anything.

More Topics:

http://gettingthemsober.com/alcohol-and-health.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/alcoholism-recovery.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/children-of-alcoholics.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/dysfunctional-families.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/effects-of-alcohol.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-intervention-5.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-treatment-programs-1.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/About-Alcohol.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-12-Step-4.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-Intoxication.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Causes-of-Alcohol-Abuse.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Drug-Alcoholism-Questions.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Drugs-Alcohol-Recovery.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Vicious-One-Two-Punch.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-detox-3.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-treatment-3.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-12-Step-5.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-AA-1.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-symptoms.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/effects-of-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-stories.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/OXYCOTTON-Addiction-Facts.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-facts.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/cocaine-drug-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Drug-Addiction-Statistics.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-blog.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/effects-of-drug-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-treatment.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Heroin-Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-intervention.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Introduction-of-Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/OxyContin-Drug-Addiction.html

They have us so turned-around--we see it upside-down.

2011-10-08T11:27:00.000-04:00

a. So often, we witness the daily "side shows".....and we see them as central to the alcoholism....... instead of the alcoholism being the center and the side-shows as side-effects from their primary disease of alcoholism.
This is UNDERSTANDABLE of course-------- these side-shows hurt us so much.

No wonder we focus on them.

But when we go beyond saying that the side-shows are cruel and hurtful------and go to the place where we want the side-shows to be the central focus of treatment for the alcoholic------that's where it all goes down the tubes.

(To read more about all this, please see the "Sept., 2000, Recovery Tip of the Month" and the "Sept., 2001, Recovery Tip of the Month"------both of which explain how the primary disease of alcoholism makes all those side-shows happen.......and what kind of treatment is EFFECTIVE to deal with both the alcoholic drinking and the side-shows.)

b. But there's another type of being 'turned around' that can happen to us as a result of living with the craziness of alcoholism-----

There can sometimes be some VERY serious other issues that have nothing to do with alcoholism------and that's when we tend to discount their importance.

What are some of them?

1. When the alcoholic also has virtually un-treatable personality disorders (there is only a 4% recovery rate for this when the person goes for help). Only a small percentage of the population have personality disorders-----the same with the alcoholic population----only 10% of alcoholics also have this problem.
(One of the most common threads that run through most personality disorders is enjoying hurting others. Now, alcoholics do hurt others------but most of them do not enjoy it. They do it to get their way, but enjoying the process of hurting others is not part of it.)

2. When the alcoholic also has criminality imbedded in the core in his persona.
(a.) Of course, many alcoholics go to jail. But when they chronically go to jail, over and over-------and become acclimated to that life------their very personalities change and they have become "institutionalized". It is then a separate, additional problem to the alcoholism, and extremely difficult to change.
(b.) When the addict (and this happens more with addicts than with alcoholics) prefers the criminal life------even if he does not go to jail----- it is a real uphill battle for him to even want to change. Many addicts wind up preferring the street-life of stealing and not-working. It's not just about getting high. It's living on the edge----and not having to go to work.

3. When the alcoholic also has goals that sobriety will not alter-------such as goals that are so totally counter to your value system and sense of ethics...........

.........That's often when we wish with all our might, that it's "all just alcoholism".

Now, these 'quite serious other issues' are NOT common with most alcoholics........ but when they occur---- part of our recovery is to not discount their presence, and not minimize their impact on us.

More Topics:

http://gettingthemsober.com/alcohol-and-health.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/alcoholism-recovery.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/children-of-alcoholics.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/causes-of-alcoholism.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/symptoms-of-alcoholism.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-Definition.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-intervention.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-recovery-now.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-treatment.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-Marriage.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcohol-Abuse-Stories.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-recovery.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Alcoholism-Facts.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Cause-of-Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-marijuana.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-prevention.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Crack-Cocaine-Addiction-Stories.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Drug-addiction-Choice.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/prescription-drug-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-family.html

It's not alcoholism 'over here'--& problems 'over there'

2011-10-06T10:56:00.000-04:00

I hear a lot from family members that they “can’t totally believe that the alcoholism has that much control over the alcoholic.”

Very often, that statement stems from a belief system that tells the family that “there’s the alcoholism over here – and the alcoholic and his nuttiness over there.”

They think of alcoholism only as cirrhosis of the liver, or late-stage brain damage, or falling-down drunkenness.

They can’t quite believe that the alcoholism controls all the person’s thoughts, actions, and feelings.

Why is the family unable to get past their own denial?

a) The family doesn’t really understand that a person’s thoughts, feelings, and actions are highly influenced by toxic poisons acting on the brain/spinal cord/central nervous system.

The alcohol isn’t just working on the brain when the person is drinking. It takes a long time to get it out of the system, and the alcoholic is usually drinking again before it’s out. So, there isn’t usually any real “sobriety” at all.

(Picture people going into surgery on twilight drugs. They say weird things and are not “loving and understanding and involved with their spouses.” Picture doing this for months and years, day after day, and you have regularly-distorted thoughts, feelings, and actions.)

b) The family often wants to believe that there really is a psychiatric reason for all this. This is because if the alcoholic refuses to go to treatment, the family naturally feels despairing and hopes that the problem may be something other than the alcoholism so that the alcoholic will go to some kind of “treatment.” (In the hope that something “will take” and he’ll get well.)

The problem is, the majority of therapists do not understand alcoholism. They often try to help the alcoholic focus on his/her childhood to supposedly “get to the root of the problem.” They think that the “root of the problem” is not alcoholism, but a psychiatric reason. They believe, therefore, that the alcoholic can’t really stop drinking until that “psychiatric root cause” is found. Then (according to this theory), the real need for alcoholic drinking would just wither away.

The alcoholic often agrees to go to this kind of treatment because he knows it leaves his drinking intact.

The problem is, that treatment approach seldom works.

Alcoholism is not secondary to a psychiatric problem. Alcoholism is a primary disease in and of itself.

Historically millions of alcoholics have died from the effects of alcoholic drinking – while trying to “get at the root of the problem” in therapy. (As a matter of fact, many people do discover, and “work on” their childhood trauma in therapy – and still continue to drink and die.)

And, even if there is a psychiatric problem in addition to the alcoholism, it is very difficult to treat the mental illness unless total abstinence from alcohol is first attained.

It is also extremely difficult to even diagnose whether or not a person has a psychiatric illness in addition to alcoholism, if that person is still drinking. The alcohol-induced crazy behavior must be at least somewhat abated by sobriety, in order to correctly assess the patient. Many people have been incorrectly diagnosed as “mentally ill” – when in fact they have alcohol-induced behaviors that mimic mental illness.

Additionally, it is often difficult to convince an alcoholic to leave ineffective psychiatric counseling – to go for real help for the alcoholism – because that attendance at the therapist’s office is a further excuse to continue drinking! The alcoholic says to the family, “What do you mean, get help? I’m getting help! I’ve been seeing my therapist every week now for five years! What more do you want?” And sadly, many therapists who do not understand alcoholism really believe that the “family interaction” causes the alcoholic’s drinking. Therefore, those therapists focus not on the alcoholism, but on the “family anger” at the alcoholic. As a result, more blaming of the family goes on – this time with the stamp of approval of therapy.

c) The family sees the alcoholic as such a tin god – so powerful – they wind up with a block against believing that anything is more powerful than the alcoholic. (The alcoholic has told the family that for years, and the family naturally believes it.)

* * *

Think about how powerful you think your alcoholic is. Think about how it colors all your beliefs about control issues; about treatment; about what you have the right to do and not to do; and about your self-image.

More Topics:

http://gettingthemsober.com/alcohol-and-health.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/alcoholism-recovery.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/children-of-alcoholics.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-blog.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/causes-of-alcoholism.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/symptoms-of-alcoholism.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-Definition.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-intervention.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-recovery-now.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-treatment.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-Marriage.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcohol-Abuse-Stories.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-recovery.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-addiction.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-Detox.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/OXYCOTTON-Addiction-Facts.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-facts.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/cocaine-drug-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Drug-Addiction-Statistics.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-blog.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/effects-of-drug-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-treatment.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Heroin-Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-intervention.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Introduction-of-Drug-Addiction.html

Financial 'rescuing' of the alcoholic

2011-09-30T10:51:00.000-04:00

But ------- should we 'never' rescue the alcoholic financially?

There is NO one answer to this.

I had a friend who had a 16-year-old son who was dealing drugs, about 20 years ago. The son was hounded by his drug-sources and was possibly going to be hurt badly.

So, the parents moved him elsewhere-----paid for an efficiency apartment and utilities. Put food in the frig every week. Paid not one cent otherwise.

They knew for sure that the child would no longer be endangered if he stopped dealing drugs. He would continue to do minor small jobs for money, to take drugs, but he would not deal drugs anymore if he did not have to pay for a roof over his head and food.

Not a great choice-------like being between a rock and a hard place.

But these were parents-------and he was a child.
And this was the best solution for the time being that the parents could come up with.
And eventually, that child did get help......and still goes to meetings...... and is almost 20 years sober and clean.

Other people find that if their spouse is truly sober and going to A.A. and is really committed to staying sober......but is having terrible times with toxic withdrawal and can't "get it together' in their brains enough yet, to keep a roof over their heads.......then the spouse may choose to help them out financially.

Now, this is VERY individual.

Sometimes, when we do that --------- help them out with money----- we could kick ourselves afterwards, if we are not living with them and they wind up having sex with other people....in the room that we paid to keep a roof over their heads.

So------- it is VERY individual..........

More Topics:

http://gettingthemsober.com/alcohol-and-health.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/alcoholism-recovery.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/children-of-alcoholics.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-questions-VI2.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-Drinking-Recovery.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Causes-of-Drugs-Alcohol.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Cocaine-Rehab.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Drugs-Drinking-Marriage.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Why-12-Step.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Side-Effects-of-Cocaine.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-causes.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-symptoms.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/effects-of-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-stories.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/OXYCOTTON-Addiction-Facts.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-facts.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/cocaine-drug-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Drug-Addiction-Statistics.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-blog.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/effects-of-drug-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-treatment.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Heroin-Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-intervention.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Introduction-of-Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/OxyContin-Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/contact-us.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/teen-drug-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/about-drug-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Causes-of-Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Alcoholism-Facts.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Cause-of-Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-marijuana.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-prevention.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Crack-Cocaine-Addiction-Stories.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Drug-addiction-Choice.html

The alcoholic is not separate from his alcoholism.

2011-09-28T07:10:00.000-04:00

The Alcoholic Does Not Exist Separately from the Alcoholism!
I hear a lot from family members that they “can’t totally believe that the alcoholism has that much control over the alcoholic.”

Very often, that statement stems from a belief system that tells the family that “there’s the alcoholism over here – and the alcoholic and his nuttiness over there.”

They think of alcoholism only as cirrhosis of the liver, or late-stage brain damage, or falling-down drunkenness.

They can’t quite believe that the alcoholism controls all the person’s thoughts, actions, and feelings.

Why is the family unable to get past their own denial?

a) The family doesn’t really understand that a person’s thoughts, feelings, and actions are highly influenced by toxic poisons acting on the brain/spinal cord/central nervous system.

The alcohol isn’t just working on the brain when the person is drinking. It takes a long time to get it out of the system, and the alcoholic is usually drinking again before it’s out. So, there isn’t usually any real “sobriety” at all.

(Picture people going into surgery on twilight drugs. They say weird things and are not “loving and understanding and involved with their spouses.” Picture doing this for months and years, day after day, and you have regularly-distorted thoughts, feelings, and actions.)

b) The family often wants to believe that there really is a psychiatric reason for all this. This is because if the alcoholic refuses to go to treatment, the family naturally feels despairing and hopes that the problem may be something other than the alcoholism so that the alcoholic will go to some kind of “treatment.” (In the hope that something “will take” and he’ll get well.)

The problem is, the majority of therapists do not understand alcoholism. They often try to help the alcoholic focus on his/her childhood to supposedly “get to the root of the problem.” They think that the “root of the problem” is not alcoholism, but a psychiatric reason. They believe, therefore, that the alcoholic can’t really stop drinking until that “psychiatric root cause” is found. Then (according to this theory), the real need for alcoholic drinking would just wither away.

The alcoholic often agrees to go to this kind of treatment because he knows it leaves his drinking intact.

The problem is, that treatment approach seldom works.

Alcoholism is not secondary to a psychiatric problem. Alcoholism is a primary disease in and of itself.

Historically millions of alcoholics have died from the effects of alcoholic drinking – while trying to “get at the root of the problem” in therapy. (As a matter of fact, many people do discover, and “work on” their childhood trauma in therapy – and still continue to drink and die.)

And, even if there is a psychiatric problem in addition to the alcoholism, it is very difficult to treat the mental illness unless total abstinence from alcohol is first attained.

It is also extremely difficult to even diagnose whether or not a person has a psychiatric illness in addition to alcoholism, if that person is still drinking. The alcohol-induced crazy behavior must be at least somewhat abated by sobriety, in order to correctly assess the patient. Many people have been incorrectly diagnosed as “mentally ill” – when in fact they have alcohol-induced behaviors that mimic mental illness.

Additionally, it is often difficult to convince an alcoholic to leave ineffective psychiatric counseling – to go for real help for the alcoholism – because that attendance at the therapist’s office is a further excuse to continue drinking! The alcoholic says to the family, “What do you mean, get help? I’m getting help! I’ve been seeing my therapist every week now for five years! What more do you want?” And sadly, many therapists who do not understand alcoholism really believe that the “family interaction” causes the alcoholic’s drinking. Therefore, those therapists focus not on the alcoholism, but on the “family anger” at the alcoholic. As a result, more blaming of the family goes on – this time with the stamp of approval of therapy.

c) The family sees the alcoholic as such a tin god – so powerful – they wind up with a block against believing that anything is more powerful than the alcoholic. (The alcoholic has told the family that for years, and the family naturally believes it.)

* * *

Think about how powerful you think your alcoholic is. Think about how it colors all your beliefs about control issues; about treatment; about what you have the right to do and not to do; and about your self-image.

More Topics:

http://gettingthemsober.com/adult-children.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/alcohol-addiction.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/alcohol-and-health.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/alcoholism-recovery.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/children-of-alcoholics.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/co-dependency.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/codependent.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/drinking-problems.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/dysfunctional-families.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Side-Effects-of-Cocaine.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-causes.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-symptoms.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/effects-of-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-stories.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/OXYCOTTON-Addiction-Facts.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-facts.html

Using "normal relationship" terms when alcoholism

2011-09-23T09:53:00.001-04:00

Just read in a posting, that 'compromise is what we do, in a marriage'.

Got me thinking about the difference between marriages without abuse or alcoholism ------ and marriages with alcoholism.

In the "April, 2006, Recovery Tip of the Month" (on that section of this website), there is this paragraph -------

"We subconsciously feel like we should be like that new trash bag that is advertised on tv now------- the one that stretches and stretches --- to way beyond what other trash bags have been able to do ------- to accomodate more and more garbage."

That's akin to us, and the idea of "compromise".

When WE compromise------it goes way beyond the pale.

When counselors see couples, we of course help them to learn to compromise --------so, what kinds of things are typical?

We teach him to maybe go golfing one day a week, only, since he watches sports on tv (and does not want to be interrupted except for emergencies), three nights a week.

We teach her (when he has been travelling for work, 5 days a week for decades---------and he is now retired) to 'catch herself' when he is wanting equal input into how things, large and small, will be managed in that home. In those years of his travelling most of the time, she of course had to make all those decisions, and grew used to it.

What is different in homes with alcoholism? It's like there is one partner who is normal-------and one with alzheimers. And we're trying to teach them how to make judgments about life, together.

Why say 'alzheimers'? Because it, too, is a disease where the brain does not function properly, and one cannot rely on their judgment about matters. Oh, sometimes, while the disease is in earlier stages, the alzheimers patient will be very lucid and fool everyone------but it is progressive, and that is less and less, over the years.

In marriages with alcoholism, we, of course, focus so much on how he behaves toward us------that we sometimes forget------and think he 'just needs to learn how to behave right'.

He has, if he is alcoholic-------a toxic-brain disease.
A toxic-brain disease that is progressive and will either kill him or lead him to the back wards of a psychiatric hospital, with no more memory and no more ability to make more memories.
Alcoholics who reach that stage have "wet brain"....... a blank brain with no knowledge of who you are------or who they are.
When an alcoholic reaches that stage, it is irreversible.

There are literally millions of alcoholics in the back wards of hospitals, with wet brain.
The V.A. hospitals are filled with them.

No, we do not "compromise" with alcoholics in a marriage.
For, 'compromise' means that two sides of a discussion make joint decisions about how to BOTH 'give in' to make things work out well.

We, instead, adapt.
Adapting is done by the non-alcoholics in a family, to make the alcoholic 'happy', for a time.

And we do learn ways to make that happen, in the short term.
But, we also need to keep that 'trash bag stretching' ------- to accomodate to what they demand.

And those demands not only grow larger.
Our 'rewards' get smaller.
And occur less often.

We reach the point where we "really feel we know them"...... where we are pretty vigilant about 'reading them' to see what they want-------to anticipate what they want------ in order to 'head them off at the pass'.

To be sure to meet their 'needs'/wants -------- hopefully, to make sure we reach our goal-------to stop them from hurting us-----to make them at least temporarily half-way-nice to us.

We stretch and stretch and stretch........ to be able to 'do' for them...... so we can have a modicum of a relationship....even if it is a pretense of a relationship....so they will want to be with us.

No, we've gone way beyond the pale about 'compromise'.
That word is not even within sight of what we do, to keep an alcoholic relationship going.

SO------HOW DO WE HEAL?

One of the MOST important ways to heal ----- is to "watch our language".

HEAR ourselves when we use terms that make it seem that we 'have normal relationships' when it is alcoholism.

Saying, "I compromise" SEEMS like it is what is done and expected to be done, in marriages.
AND THAT IS TRUE!
Compromising IS what is done in 'normal marriages'.
But it is NOT what we are referring to, when we talk about what WE do.

Part of our healing is to pay a LOT of attention to our terminology------for, our terminology is the language of denial.

The language of SUBTLE denial that keeps us locked into the craziness of alcoholism.

P.S........ We often say to ourselves, when we don't want to hear all this, "oh I know what I mean when I say xxxxx".

Even though we 'know' what we 'mean'------- when we keep using 'normal relationship' terms when referring to what we do in an alcoholic situation, it is a subtle way of minimizing what is going on.

And when we 'fight for our right' to continue to minimize ------- we OF COURSE are just not wanting to face the whole kit and kaboodle entirely.

And that is understandable!

But we if we want to heal MORE QUICKLY------ way down deep------ we need to tell ourselves the truth and face the truth------NO MATTER IF WE STAY OR LEAVE.

For, if we skew the truth to ourselves, with all kinds of justifications.......
we still are thinking, then, that it will be easier for us to stay in the relationship if we don't tell ourselves the entire truth as it is.

And that is just not true.

The devastation we feel when the crises happen------- when the INEVITABLE crises happen------ are LESS devastating to us when we "kept one foot out of the circle" all along.
When we did not let ourselves forget the truth-----even when we are enjoying the moments when it is good.

Yes, we can---------AND SHOULD------- stay in 'one day at a time'.

But staying in it realistically is one of the things that attendance at Al-Anon, on a regular basis, is so good at.

Going to those face-to-face meetings does help so much to learn to keep a balance....... to learn to enjoy the moments when he is nice......and to learn to still be self-protective.

And to be really self-protective, we cannot tell ourselves half-truths.

Why say 'self-protective'?

Because when we do not want to face the alcoholism and the fact that it is progressive------ when it does progress------if we've let our guard down, so to speak (i.e., tried to 'forget' that there is alcoholism when it is good for a time with him) ------- we get hit like a tidal wave.

This happens mostly with people new to family recovery.

When we've been around recovery for a while, we each learn, in our own way, to find ways to enjoy the moments------without entirely forgetting what is really going on.
That as long as he is drinking, it is of necessity-------not of his choice------that it will get worse.
But it "hits us" not at all as much------when it progresses----- when we expect it.
We can then deal with it SO much more easily.
And how to "expect it"?
By not forgetting that it is inevitable as long as he keeps drinking.

More Topics:

http://gettingthemsober.com/alcohol-and-health.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/alcoholism-recovery.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/children-of-alcoholics.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-blog.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/causes-of-alcoholism.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/symptoms-of-alcoholism.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-Definition.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-intervention.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-recovery-now.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Side-Effects-of-Cocaine.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-causes.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-symptoms.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/effects-of-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-stories.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/OXYCOTTON-Addiction-Facts.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-facts.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/cocaine-drug-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Drug-Addiction-Statistics.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-blog.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/effects-of-drug-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-treatment.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Heroin-Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-intervention.html

Resulting 'treatment' when alcoholics not diagnosed properly

2011-09-19T20:17:00.000-04:00

There is a persistent trend in mental-health treatment that can mis-direct people from receiving proper treatment for the fatal and progressive disease of alcoholism.

It is the idea that mental-health problems are the root cause of alcoholism. (You can see a detailed partial answer to that problem in the 'September, 2000, Recovery Tip of the Month'.)

In the "Getting Them Sober, volume 3" book, there is a section chronicling the 350 secondary diseases to alcoholism. I included a sub-section on psychiatric problems that arise from, or are triggered by, alcoholism. What that means is that many mental-health problems that would otherwise be of minor consequence or just lie dormant, come to the fore and run rampant when triggered by alcoholism. (In the section of the book with the secondary diseases, there are also interviews with leading experts, including James Milam, author of the classic book, "Under the Influence", on why this triggering of secondary diseases happens.)

The good news is that for most persons, when they do get treatment, and attend A.A. on a regular basis-- those problems usually subside greatly or go away entirely. (This of course, is not true of alcoholics with major psychiatric illness in addition to their addiction. Then, they still need A.A., of course, but also usually need additional counseling/possible medications for their 'dual diagnosis').

But I want to emphasize that most alcoholics do not also have major mental illness! If they get and stay sober, their therapists and family members are delighted to see "a different person!". (This does not apply to people who are 'dry drunks'.... i.e., people who don't drink, but who do not go to A.A. Many of them don't drink, but keep the personality problems that wreak havoc on others and themselves.)

The real problem lies with the diagnosis and treatment of drinking alcoholics. There are literally millions of alcoholics who have died because their alcoholism was bypassed, and their secondary psychiatric illness was treated as their primary illness. Their alcoholism was not seen as the primary disease. Most of those drinking alcoholics did -- and continue to -- go to therapy to deal with their personality problems---- which are looked upon as the root cause of their drinking. And many of them die (or go insane) because of it.

About 20 years ago, there was a line-drawing cartoon in the A.A. monthly magazine, the Grapevine, of three guys lowering their buddy into a grave, and the caption was something like, "It's too bad; he was doing so well in therapy. He just couldn't stop drinking."

This does NOT mean that personality problems should not be addressed. Certainly Al-Anon teaches family members how to deal with the junk that comes from the drinking.
But, again, the alcoholic must "get sober first" if deep and lasting personality changes can occur for most drinking alcoholics. And with A.A., most alcoholics DO have deep and lasting personality changes! Of course, many people need counseling after getting sober, in addition to A.A., but that doesn't keep one sober. Sobriety is the cornerstone. Without it, most other changes are not possible.

But all this raises a serious other question: Why are some family members so easily sidetracked into actually wanting to think that alcoholism is not the central core issue-- into wanting to agree, sometimes, with therapists who do not understand alcoholism-- that the drinking is not the main problem?
I think that it is entirely understandable. We get so sick and tired of it all and we get to feeling that 'they'll never get sober' ... we want to believe that the problems that arise from the alcoholism are the main problems, and that if they can be taken care of, the drinking will wither away by itself.

And, the alcoholic often LOVES to "go to therapy" instead of going to A.A. He 'senses' that he can talk and talk and talk for years------and still keep drinking------ when he agrees to just 'go to therapy'. Many alcoholics will say, when intervened upon, "ok I'll get help. I'll see a therapist"
......... knowing full well that it is their last-ditch attempt to continue drinking by trying to avoid A.A. and still keep everyone happy that "he is getting help".

What is good to remember is that almost every family member who has a spouse or someone in A.A., has thought to themselves--- even the day before that person started A.A.--- that "they'll never make it." And there are over 4 million people in A.A. in the U.S. that belie that thought, thank goodness!

Hazelden used to publish (it is out of print), a wonderful pamphlet (called the "Alcoholic woman's mad mad world of denial and mind games" -------- about a drinking woman alcoholic who tells her husband that she'll go to therapy (when he confronts her drinking). So, she goes to a therapist, and she continues the junk behavior and the drinking.
And her husband complains. And she says, in essence, "what do you want?! I'm getting help!"

From Toby Drews, the author of the million-selling "Getting Them Sober'' books, endorsed by 'dear Abby', Dr. Norman Vincent Peale, and Melody Beattie: phone 410-243-8352 email tdrews3879@aol.com www.GettingThemSober.com More Topics: http://gettingthemsober.com/adult-children.html
http://gettingthemsober.com/alcohol-addiction.html
http://gettingthemsober.com/alcohol-and-health.html
http://gettingthemsober.com/alcoholism-recovery.html
http://gettingthemsober.com/children-of-alcoholics.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-blog.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/causes-of-alcoholism.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/symptoms-of-alcoholism.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-Definition.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-intervention.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-recovery-now.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-treatment.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Side-Effects-of-Cocaine.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-causes.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-symptoms.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/effects-of-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-stories.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/OXYCOTTON-Addiction-Facts.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-facts.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/cocaine-drug-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Drug-Addiction-Statistics.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-blog.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/effects-of-drug-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-treatment.html

Does the alcoholic drink 'because of problems?

2011-09-12T20:50:00.000-04:00

It is so easy to slide into believing that the alcoholic drinks "because of a problem". And that if the alcoholic just "gets to the root of the problem", then the drinking/drugging problem will just "wither away" by itself. That was the thinking of almost the entire mental-health profession about 25 years ago -- before the days of James Milam (author of "Under the Influence"), who, along with other pioneers in the field of addictions, toured the country on a regular basis, lecturing and training mental-health practitioners, judges, pastoral counselors, nurses, criminal-justice personnel, and others, to help them understand that alcoholism is a primary disease.

What does that mean? It means that nothing can get you drunk. It means that no matter what else is going on in your life; no matter what your childhood was like; it means that no matter what your job is like, your spouse and/or kids are like; that none of those things get you drunk. Yes, they cause stress! Life causes stress! And if everyone who had stress drank alcoholically, everyone would be an alcoholic.

But the stressors of life are not what makes one an alcoholic. You "get" alcoholism because you are genetically predisposed to it. (You have to go back about six or eight generations to see the proclivity to alcoholism in one's family; just because your parents did not have it, doesn't mean it is not in your family. And back then, no one said people were alcoholic unless they were falling down in the gutter. And they certainly did not say that women or the clergy or any "good people" were alcoholic).

But, getting back to the mythology of "stress causing alcoholism": Yes, stress can make you want to drink. Yes, having violent parents and being thrown out on the street at age 17 can make you want stress-relief and want to drink. But if you don't have the brain receptors, etc., to be alcoholic or addicted, it'll be a "passing phase". (It's like the veterans after Vietnam: many, many of them tried heroin in Vietnam; but only 1/3 of those who took it in Vietman, continued to take it, after they came home. Why?

Because if you don't have the physical set-up to become an alcoholic or other-drug addict, you won't. Look at all the spouses in Al-Anon who are not alcoholics who sat on barstools to try to drink alongside their alcoholic spouses, to be there, to have their spouses at least physically with them -- and who could not keep up the drinking, even when they tried to.) And, if a catastrophe in life happens to a non-addict/non-alcoholic-- and if they drink, or do any other temporary thing to relieve stress-- if they are not addicted, they will probably, after awhile, not continue that drinking, but get down to dealing with life on life's terms.

The difference with alcoholics is that if they start to drink at all, even for a "legitimate stress reason", then the craving and the obsession make them continue the process of the disease of alcoholism. And once that disease process in in effect, that disease does not need any "reason" to drink: In other words, alcoholics drink because the Yankees won/ alcoholics drink because the Yankees lost/ and alcoholics drink because the Yankees didn't play.

It often LOOKS like the alcoholic drinks because he lost his job-- or because he hates the weather. But when that same alcoholic gets a job... a better-paying job -- and/or moves to where the weather is great....... the probability is that alcoholic will still continue drinking or start drinking again, and the disease will still progress and the drinking will get worse. "Stuff" happens. "Stuff" does not cause alcoholism.

When alcoholics get sober and go to A.A. on a regular basis, they learn to replace that knee-jerk reaction of picking up a drink or a chemical for stress-relief -- and replacing it with "taking it to a meeting" and talking about it. And by the Grace of God, it relieves it. A way is found to deal with it.

One more thing: when an alcoholic has, alongside the alcoholism, a psychiatric illness (like clinical depression), they may initially only drink to relieve the clinical depression -- and they may receive temporary relief from it because they drank.

But, and this is a big "but" -- when they drink even for that reason -- it gets and keeps the disease-of-alcoholism process going. And even if that particular cycle of clinical depression "lets up" for awhile because of the temporary relief of the alcohol -- the alcoholic drinking usually continues, because the alcoholism has its own dynamic and is itself progressive, and it gets to exists alongside, in addition to, the psychiatric illness.

And if the alcoholism is not treated for itself and the drinking does not stop (even if the psychiatric illness is treated with medication and therapy) then two things usually happen: a.) intaking alcohol when the medicine is in the body usually makes the medicine less effective; and b.) the alcoholism follows a progressive course and continues to eventually make that person's life worse on just about every level, if not all levels, of one's life. And it usually continues to make that psychiatric illness worse, too.

If a person with both psychiatric illness and alcoholism wants to get better, they usually have to get help for both problems-- and that help is often found in an alcoholism treatment center (one that is A.A.-oriented) that is good at diagnosing and treating persons with both addiction and psychiatric illness. And after initial treatment is completed, ongoing counseling --as well as A.A., of course--is usually the prescribed course of treatment.

More Topics:

http://gettingthemsober.com/alcohol-and-health.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/alcoholism-recovery.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/children-of-alcoholics.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-Definition.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-intervention.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-recovery-now.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-treatment.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-Marriage.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcohol-Abuse-Stories.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-recovery.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-symptoms.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/effects-of-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-stories.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/OXYCOTTON-Addiction-Facts.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-facts.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/cocaine-drug-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Drug-Addiction-Statistics.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-blog.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/effects-of-drug-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-treatment.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Heroin-Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-intervention.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Introduction-of-Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/OxyContin-Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/contact-us.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/teen-drug-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/about-drug-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Causes-of-Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Alcoholism-Facts.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Cause-of-Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-marijuana.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-prevention.html

How collect child support (even if child over 18 years old).

2011-09-09T20:46:00.000-04:00

If efforts to collect back-due child support are not working for you, in your State (and all States have differing laws on this) ------ then it often helps to see whether a Child Support Collection Agency can be beneficial in your case.

They work on a performance basis and only get paid when they collect for you. The negative with this strategy is that most of the agencies will take a portion of the money they collect ----- most get the first $375 that they collect).

But since they can also collect interest on the amount due, this usually covers most of their fees.

IMPORTANT----EVEN IF YOUR CHILD IS OVER THE AGE OF 18, IN MOST STATES IN THE U.S., THERE IS NO STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS, AND THE AGENCY CAN STILL COLLECT BACK-CHILD SUPPORT PAYMENTS DUE.

The top three collection agencies seem to be

a. 'nationalchildsupport' (I have heard that this one does not keep the first $375 it collects)

b. 'childsupport'

c. 'supportkids'
(you can Google Search for them, by typing in their names just as I have written them here -----without the single quote marks).
NOTE-----it is very important to carefully review (with an attorney) any documents you are given to sign---before signing anything.

More Topics:

http://gettingthemsober.com/alcohol-and-health.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/alcoholism-recovery.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/children-of-alcoholics.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/symptoms-of-alcoholism.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-Definition.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-intervention.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-recovery-now.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-treatment.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-Marriage.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcohol-Abuse-Stories.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-symptoms.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/effects-of-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-stories.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/OXYCOTTON-Addiction-Facts.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-facts.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/cocaine-drug-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Drug-Addiction-Statistics.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-blog.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/effects-of-drug-addiction.html

Wall the same AND very different, too

2011-09-06T10:17:00.000-04:00

a. we have alcoholics------ but some are womanizers----some are not-----some make a lot of money------some make their families wonder where the next dinner is going to come from

b. some of us have basically sweet guys--------some of us have alcoholics who have quite serious other psychiatric problems

c. some of us will be quite happy if we have our guys back, even if they never work more than 10 hours per week....... and that could make some of us flinch with wondering 'why she puts up with it' ...... but that WILL make some of us happy...... and no one has the right to play God and even IMPLY that it is "not enough" for YOUR relationship

d. some of us just can't stand waiting one more minute to see how it will work out ......... some of us would be willing to wait two more years, if it could, indeed, work out

e. It is so wonderful how people do share THEIR experience, strength, and hope here---------- but, as the Guidelines for this bulletin board say (see the box above)--------- please do not even imply that a particular path might be better for another person..........even if it did work for you.

Stick to the "i" statements-------- "I did this"-------not "this is or might be, better for you".

WHY? Because the way that we family members "are made" inside, we take it all very seriously.

And we ARE ALL going to do what WE want to do--------no matter what we agree with--------no matter what YOU say --------or imply.

And the problem then gets to be------- if what we choose to do, does not work out-------- we will feel very guilty and ASHAMED that we didn't follow YOUR implied advice.

And THAT is the BIGGEST stop-per to us getting on with our family recovery. (Shame and guilt are the biggest boulders on the family-recovery path).

That shame makes us------ if not stop treatment for ourselves-------- it makes most of us hesitate to any time again, DISCLOSE WHAT IS REALLY REALLY GOING ON.

WE PROBABLY WON'T STOP TELLING A LOT OF 'WHAT IS GOING ON'-----BUT WE'LL LIMIT IT TO WHAT WE THINK YOU CAN HEAR WITHOUT THINKING LESS OF US.

And the ironic thing is--------when we leave out important facts-------then the 'feedback' we get on a board on the internet-------is USELESS.

For people are replying to our posts BASED ON WHAT WE SAY.

And MOST OF THE TIME------- when we leave out CERTAIN details-------- they are the MOST important things about what is REALLY going on.

Why do we leave out those details if we have been shamed before?

Because if we do disclose thoroughly again---------we feel that we will probably encounter yet another well-meaning person who lets us know that her suggestion is best for us....and we will know, deep inside, that we CANNOT follow her suggestion------and we will, again, feel ashamed of it.
......and then we'll go through, once again, that merry-go-round of shame, withdrawal from disclosure, etc.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS ON INTERNET BOARDS WHERE PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED---AND ENCOURAGED-----TO TELL OTHERS WHAT TO DO.

f. SO------what DOES work?

1. All of us need to share ONLY our experience. Not even imply that something might be best for 'you'......even if it worked for you.

2. And if a certain path has been implied to you ------- remember that the person is "coming from" THEIR situation-----THEIR experience------THEIR alcoholic partner with THEM--------NOT YOUR SITUATION.

3. Why does it work when we do NOT tell others what to do?
Even when I am counseling a person --- I don't tell them what to do. Why?

First, the reason I just wrote....... that people will do what THEY want to do, no matter what 'you' say.

Second, people learn best------ internalize the learning to where it STICKS WITH THEM ------- when THEY choose their own paths!

How does that work? For instance----how do people choose more wisely, when they see a counselor?

In counseling, a client gets feedback about the REALITY of the situation. (NOT 'telling you what to do with the feedback'-----you just get valuable feedback where you learn what are YOUR particular hidden realities----hidden from you by your own unconscious).

One gets information about 'what is really going on behind the scenes', in the situation, and what might very well be going on, in your patterns that have been formed since your childhood.......that are very probably impacting on the present situation.

Patterns that---------
a. make you not-see certain realities
b. keep you perceiving situations in distorted ways
c. stop you from perceiving what you are capable of
d. stop you from believing that you deserve the good in life

4. The "odd" truth-----the paradoxical irony-------is that when we are given TOTAL wiggle-room WITHOUT A WORD OF DIRECT OR IMPLIED SUGGESTION OF WHAT WE 'SHOULD DO'-------- we get to where we are most comfortable with our decisions------SOONER!!

5. So, on this bulletin board------- the 'rule' is, we all RESPECT the right of everyone to wiggle their way through their own paths-------- until we ALL organically reach where they find it most comfortable for US.

For, no one will have to live with the consequences, if any of us follows what someone else feels is best for us-------except us.

More Topics:

http://gettingthemsober.com/adult-children.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/alcohol-addiction.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/alcohol-and-health.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/alcoholism-recovery.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/children-of-alcoholics.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/co-dependency.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/codependent.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/drinking-problems.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/dysfunctional-families.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/effects-of-alcohol.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-treatment-3.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-12-Step-5.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-AA-1.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-Rehab.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-Teens-2.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-Teens-3.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-symptoms.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/effects-of-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-stories.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/OXYCOTTON-Addiction-Facts.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-facts.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/cocaine-drug-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Drug-Addiction-Statistics.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-blog.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/effects-of-drug-addiction.html

We pretend our issues are our virtues

2011-08-31T09:56:00.000-04:00

Was reading what some one wrote today "it's hard to trust an alcoholic, if not impossible".

Musing......

One of the ways we get pulled into trusting them, is that we (especially women) like that self-image of "the sweet, trusting girl".

It's not just that the world likes women better who are never angry.... are 'sweet little girls'.

It's that we've internalized it------- and it's so deep in our psyches, that 'femininity' is tied up with an almost-naive kind of trusting of others.

Back in the '60's, when I was a young woman, the image we often tried to give forth about how we were---- was a long-haired, long-skirted, bread-making, always-smiling, soft-talking, "wow" saying, woman------ who looked up to her garrison-belted, bearded, van-driving guy.

Earth mother, trust-everyone, chew your food 35 times per macrobiotic bite Child of the Sixties.

I suspect that the 'gentle trusting of everyone woman" persona is deeply imbedded in most women's idea of how we want to be perceived.

I think we often find it difficult to 'marry' this persona ----with having to have a chronic distrust of a partner who is not trustable.
Hard for women to 'put this all together' in one woman-person.

So-------to stop 'fighting upstream'------ to feel more like we've been trained to feel and to get the feedback from others that we are, indeed, nice people, not 'shrews' ----- we tell ourselves, that 'all-trusting-ness' is a virtue.

That it makes us Good Women.

And that it makes us desirable.

When it's really an issue of minimizing and denial.

More Topics:

http://gettingthemsober.com/dysfunctional-families.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/effects-of-alcohol.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/family-problems.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/family-secrets.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-Intoxication.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Causes-of-Alcohol-Abuse.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Drug-Alcoholism-Questions.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Drugs-Alcohol-Recovery.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Vicious-One-Two-Punch.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Opiate-Addiction-Facts.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/addiction-recovery-now.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Percocet-Abuse-Stories.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Teen-Alcoholism.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Addiction-and-Depression.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/12-step-recovery-1.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-books.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Drug-Withdrawal-2.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Drug-addiction-Parents.html

People drinking more--AND more often--in last 10 years

2011-08-24T10:01:00.000-04:00

Thanks to an email from Griff (who does a lot of web research on alcoholism and regularly emails me the studies ------ for which I am very grateful)..... I learned that the latest studies show a huge increase in both the amount AND the frequency of alcoholic drinking, in the last 10 years.

Not surprising, but good for us to know that it is going on.

Why? When the alcoholic says that you see alcoholism everywhere ----- and that you are paranoid for thinking that............. it helps to know this information.

When we have facts, we do not get nearly 'as thrown' by their crazymaking put-downs of our perception of reality.

Amazing isn't it ------- THEY have the toxic brains that see things skewed--------and they call US crazy ......... love, Toby

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More Topics:

http://gettingthemsober.com/alcohol-and-health.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/alcoholism-recovery.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/children-of-alcoholics.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Drugs-Alcohol-Recovery.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Vicious-One-Two-Punch.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-detox-3.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-treatment-3.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-12-Step-5.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-AA-1.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-Rehab.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/teen-drug-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/about-drug-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Causes-of-Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Alcoholism-Facts.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Cause-of-Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-marijuana.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-prevention.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Crack-Cocaine-Addiction-Stories.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Drug-addiction-Choice.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/prescription-drug-addiction.html

"Why do I keep wanting to be in touch w/him?"

2011-08-22T10:11:00.000-04:00

a. If one chooses to separate from an alcoholic, the statistics show that almost all partners of alcoholics/addicts, need the 'space' to go back and forth an average of 8 times before final and complete separation.

Now, OF COURSE that varies!

Some of us have such awful persons, that we can separate in one session.

Some of us have had lots of alcoholic relationships, and 'this one' is easier to leave, than were others.

Some of us have had no abuse done to us------ever------. Those persons' childhoods were truly wonderful. Those persons often leave and do not return, on the first try.

b. When we leave, most of us do not think we will ever go back. It feels usually shocking to us, when we do. And others shame us for doing so (unintentionally, usually). And we feel great shame for it....often leading us to lie about it.......or just leave things out of what we tell them. All of this is so normal. If we realized how many millions of people are going through this, daily, just in the U.S.--------- we'd be able to drop a lot of that shame.

Shaming ourselves for going back is such a waste of time.

When we do go back-------it's just part of the process.

c. Look at a stockbroker's chart---------- looking at it from afar, all we see is the forward growth (when it is a stock that performs well for us). But looking close-up, there are lots of little back-and-forths.

Blips.

The "backwards" lines ------- akin to when we go back and leave and go back and leave, etc, until we don't have to do that anymore------ are just 'blips'.

"Blips" happen........to everyone in life.

Life is not a straight line.

d. Why do we need to 'touch base'-------- go back, in a way? Because the pain diminishes over time.

e. Sometimes, we get hooked into 'helping them'... and sometimes, when there is a terrible history, the only thing they can hook us with, is when they are in truly life-threatening situations. So, we try to help, and then try to dis-engage......and find ourselves unable to, again.
What can help us not be the rescuers? Often, we can contact government agencies (like protective services for adults) that can take over that role, so we can finally step away entirely without that terrible tug to help someone who is in a life-threatening situation.

f. Why else do we get back involved, even if we don't go back to living with them?

We 'remember' the 'stuff' less and less, over time. We give more credence to the 'good' stuff......and less to the junk.

It's a form of minimizing......denial.

And it is totally normal.

That's why in the "Getting Them Sober, volume one" book, there's an entire about "remember the facts". And in the "GTS, volume 4" book----a chapter called "I dropped the divorce proceedings 6 times".

Why two chapters on this? Because our natural instinct is to forgive.......to minimize......... to find the good....... to minimize....... to be willing to go through hell and back for someone we love......... to minimize........ to give them the shirt off our backs------and still buy them 3 suits on top of it... and to minimize.

Yes, it is totally weird to have to curb our natural, good instincts to love and trust people, when dealing with an alcoholic.

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More Topics:

http://gettingthemsober.com/alcoholism-recovery.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/children-of-alcoholics.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/dysfunctional-families.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/effects-of-alcohol.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/family-problems.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/family-secrets.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/symptoms-of-alcoholism.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Drugs-Alcohol-Recovery.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Vicious-One-Two-Punch.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-detox-3.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-treatment-3.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-12-Step-5.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-AA-1.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-Rehab.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-Teens-2.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-Teens-3.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Addiction-and-Depression.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/12-step-recovery-1.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-books.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Drug-Withdrawal-2.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Drug-addiction-Parents.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Subutex.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Drug-Addiction-Recovery.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Al-Anon.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Morphine-Abuse-Stories.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Narcotics-Use-Facts.html

"what's WRONG with me-----that I didn't see it before?!

2011-08-16T09:48:00.000-04:00

a. spending time, beating oneself up, for not 'seeing what he's really doing' ----- is USELESS, WASTED TIME

b. We didn't 'see it' because WE'VE BEEN TRAINED to deny. We've been put in a NO-WIN.

If we saw it and named it------we were told we are crazy.
If we didn't see it------we are told we are sticking our heads in the sand.

IT'S A NO-WIN that most of us have been subjected to since birth-------for, most people who get involved with alcoholics, are born into families where a parent is either alcoholic/addicted or an abuser.

IT'S ALL WE HAVE KNOWN.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

c. Knowing that ------- leads to the next step-------

What IS effective?

Start to REALLY believe that you have been trained to MINIMIZE what is really going on. THEN-------- do your best to not minimize. Stay in family recovery.

d. What is "recovery for the family"------how does it work?

A combination of being VERY self-honest about the situation ---- PLUS staying in recovery ------ THAT combination will ease you along------ like being on a treadmill------- to healing.

"Keep coming back to recovery------and staying honest------ and you'll get better, despite yourself".

From Toby Drews, the author of the million-selling "Getting Them Sober'' books, endorsed by 'dear Abby', Dr. Norman Vincent Peale, and Melody Beattie:
phone 410-243-8352
email tdrews3879@aol.com
www.GettingThemSober.com

Bookmark & Share

More Topics:

http://gettingthemsober.com/alcohol-and-health.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/alcoholism-recovery.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/children-of-alcoholics.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/dysfunctional-families.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/effects-of-alcohol.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/About-Alcohol.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-12-Step-4.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-Intoxication.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Causes-of-Alcohol-Abuse.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Drug-Alcoholism-Questions.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Drugs-Alcohol-Recovery.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Vicious-One-Two-Punch.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-detox-3.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-treatment-3.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-12-Step-5.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-AA-1.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-Rehab.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-Teens-2.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-Teens-3.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Request-Directory-Listing.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Sign-of-Alcoholism.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-stories-2.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-stories-3.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-stories-7.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Cause-of-Drug-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-marijuana.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-prevention.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Crack-Cocaine-Addiction-Stories.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Drug-addiction-Choice.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/prescription-drug-addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-family.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-and-marriage.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Opiate-Addiction-Facts.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/addiction-recovery-now.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Percocet-Abuse-Stories.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Teen-Alcoholism.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Addiction-and-Depression.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/12-step-recovery-1.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-books.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Drug-Withdrawal-2.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Drug-addiction-Parents.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Subutex.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Drug-Addiction-Recovery.html

He can be replaced---by tomcat or large crow!

2011-08-13T09:30:00.003-04:00

a.) Years ago, I had my cellar repaired, and had to be out of the house for weeks.
I stayed with a good friend, and had to leave the windows of my house open during those times.
Well, when I moved back in, guess who had moved in?
A HUGE tomcat and several small cats.........in my bed.

Well, took one look at them------and said, "OUT!"
They came scurrying down the stairs (I was at the bottom of the stairs and looking at them like a stern schoolmistress) and ran out the door------- ALL EXCEPT the tomcat.

HE came down the steps SLOWLY.
And Stared at me, as he took one step at a time.
Glaring at me with arrogance!
I just looked at him and said "this was your last party in this house".

He stopped at the bottom of the steps and tried to outstare me.
I just pointed at the door and repeated "out!"
He slowly threw his chest out------- swung back and forth on his 4 legs---- and walked out still glaring at me.

Well, I tell you------ had to laugh!
Who do you think he reminded me of?
OF COURSE!
Mr. Arrogant......Mr. I'll Do It My way...... Mr. I want what I want when I want it....... Mr. I don't care if it is your house------ I squat here-----I stay here.

b.) Another time, was taking a car ride in the city, and saw a huge crow, just walking slowly, and getting down off a curb into the street, to cross the street.
Ever watch a huge crow getting down off a curb?
SAME body language as the tomcat!
Pure Arrogance!
Chest puffed-out big-------- head thrown back----- one leg at a time, taking its time, swinging its leg out (believe it or not, crows can even walk arrogantly!......lol!)

c.) SO----- folks, if you're ever on the verge of "leaving him"-----and you fear you just might miss him a little bit------you might consider getting a huge crow or a tomcat!
You'll get to see the arrogance a lot each day--------but you won't get the mouth to go with it.
You'll just have an adorable kitty kat or crow-hunny-bunny to love.
From Toby Drews, the author of the million-selling "Getting Them Sober'' books, endorsed by 'dear Abby', Dr. Norman Vincent Peale, and Melody Beattie:
phone 410-243-8352
email tdrews3879@aol.com
www.GettingThemSober.com

Bookmark & Share

More Topics:

http://gettingthemsober.com/alcohol-and-health.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/alcoholism-recovery.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/children-of-alcoholics.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/dysfunctional-families.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/effects-of-alcohol.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/family-problems.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-12-Step-5.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-AA-1.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-Rehab.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-Teens-2.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-Teens-3.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Request-Directory-Listing.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Sign-of-Alcoholism.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-stories-2.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-stories-3.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-stories-7.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/About-Time.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholic.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/addiction-recovery-now.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Percocet-Abuse-Stories.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Teen-Alcoholism.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Addiction-and-Depression.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/12-step-recovery-1.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-books.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Drug-Withdrawal-2.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Drug-addiction-Parents.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Subutex.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Drug-Addiction-Recovery.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Al-Anon.html

FOR C.E.U.'s for MENTAL-HEALTH PROFESSIONALS

2011-08-11T10:47:00.000-04:00

FOR C.E.U.'s for MENTAL-HEALTH PROFESSIONALS------- If you are a health or mental-health professional--- and need CEU's (continuing education units)--- please go to the http://ceu-hours.com website.

There are 4 CEU-courses there for health and mental-health professionals, based entirely on material from 4 of the 'Getting Them Sober' series of books by Toby Rice Drews.

The 4 courses are........

Separation and Divorce from an Alcoholic
Recovery Barriers for Adult Children of Alcoholics
Alcohol Problems in Family Relationships
Counseling Non-Addicted Partner of an Alcoholic

All the courses are nationally-accredited by NAADAC (National Association of Alcohol and Drug Abuse Counselors), by the NBCC (National Board for Certified Counselors), and by many Statewide accreditation agencies.

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http://gettingthemsober.com/alcohol-and-health.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/alcoholism-recovery.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/children-of-alcoholics.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-12-Step-5.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-AA-1.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-Rehab.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-Teens-2.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Alcoholism-Teens-3.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Request-Directory-Listing.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/Sign-of-Alcoholism.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-stories-2.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-stories-3.html

http://www.alcoholism-support.org/alcoholism-stories-7.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Christian-Treatment.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-behavior.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Morphine-Abuse-Facts.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/drug-addiction-articles.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Drug-addiction-stories-4.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Detox-from-Alcohol.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Abuse-or-Addiction.html

http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Alcohol-Addiction-Causes.html

Do we have 'the right" to say someone is alcoholic?

2011-08-10T10:02:00.000-04:00

Here is a small excerpt from the chapter on 'intervention' in the "Getting Them Sober, volume 4" book-----------

"Families sometimes ask if they have the right to say a family member is alcoholic. They ask this after they hear someone in a family recovery program say that "no one has the right to 'call someone' an alcoholic".

Probably someone said that in a meeting years ago-----and someone else took it for gospel because they 'heard it in a meeting'.

But what does it mean? It means that if you say no one has the 'right' to 'call you' an alcoholic------- then, in your gut, you feel itis a "name-calling".

Alcoholism is a disease or it is not. There may be a stigma about it, but we just contribute to the stigma by saying we can't 'call someone' an alcoholic.

How come I can 'call someone' a diabetic?

You know, it's amazing------------- we can plan to leave a marriage for the effects of a spouse's alcoholism on us--------but then we hear that we can't say that we're planning to leave for the reason that we're planning to leave??!!

What do we say?---------- "I can't name what you have, but I'm leaving you for it??!!"

Deep in our guts, it's very hard to believe it's a disease....... but if we don't break the shame--------the silence------- we continue the stigma.
(And that means if our kids get the disease------- they have the stigma on THEM, too).

Now, it's true that in the final analysis-------the only diagnosis that will KEEP a person in treatment and/or A.A. is self-diagnosis. But hearing from others that one HAS the disease, can sure help crack through one's own initial denial! From Toby Drews, the author of the million-selling "Getting Them Sober'' books, endorsed by 'dear Abby', Dr. Norman Vincent Peale, and Melody Beattie:
phone 410-243-8352
email tdrews3879@aol.com
www.GettingThemSober.com

Other Topics:

http://gettingthemsober.com/alcohol-and-health.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/alcoholism-recovery.html

http://gettingthemsober.com/children-of-alcoholics.html