Giant Monkey On My Back

Stowaway

2009-09-02T13:33:00.001-07:00

It was a long train ride, but we made it back to K's place just as she was leaving, so we hopped into her bag. The idiot monkey thinks we are going to Ireland, but I have bigger plans. K doesn't know we are here, but she is playing into my plan for world domination!

Muahahahahaha!

Posted from my iPhone

Free at last!

2009-09-02T12:29:00.001-07:00

God almighty, I'm free at last! Geezus, I could kiss the ground, hug a tree, lick a three horned toad at this moment. I have never been so damn happy in my life.

We have been in prison for the last few months. A work camp of sorts. The monkey on my back thinks that he was a Quality Assurance scientist when really he was tricked into testing the products on himself! It was stuffed animal testing! Why can I find the fucking number for PETA?! Call the EPA, the Better Business Bureau, your congressman! This can't continue! Stuffed animals are animals too!

This is my story. If you steal it and make a Lifetime movie of it, I will eat your young while you watch. You can make a Lifetime movie of that!

I've been trying to kill the monkey, but I realized I would then be carrying around a dead, rotting monkey carcass. Not particularly appealing. So instead, I decided the only way to gain power and fame myself is to make the monkey look like a fucking genius. So while he was napping in the middle of the day, I would do his work.

The more I did, the more they promoted him. Riches and hot chicks were soon to be mine! But I couldn't do it with the monkey looking the way he does.

So I invented some new monkey hygiene products. And they convinced the monkey to try them before I was finished perfecting the formula. At first some of his hair started to discolor and then fall out. Then he got this hideous rash on his face from the primate shaving creme. He started looking more and more hideous. The other scientists would lock us up at night in these cages. And the monkey thought this was for his own protection!

What an idiot.

But last night I jimmied the lock while the monkey was sleeping and carried his ass to the train where he woke up today. Now the fluff-for-brains thinks he is on vacation.

He is so wrong...

Posted from my iPhone

Weight training

2009-02-08T21:00:00.000-08:00

I've been trying to get the Fat Monkey on a diet. Ever since we got to the US, he has been packing on the pounds. First it was the chocolate covered bananas, then the banana shakes, banana bread, banana pudding, banana creme pie, and now banana splits. The monkey has gone mad for American foods.

I should probably tell Mad Scientist that Fat Monkey has been using her lab equipment to mix his shakes. But maybe it will kill him off. Then I would be free. Free! I can't even fathom what that would feel like. Peanut butter without the jelly. Ying without yang. A cat without fleas. Models without makeup. Twitter without the stalkers. Wile E. Coyote without the Road Runner. Freedom!

Sorry, I've got to run, kids! I have too many ideas running through my head now! How do I kill off the giant monkey on my back?!!

Scientist Apprentice

2009-02-01T03:00:00.000-08:00

First, my apologies to my adoring fans for having left you craving my sarcastic wit for the last six months. I've been strapped to this damned monkey trying not to let him look incompetent, but not even my genius can temper his ignorance.

Yes, we've been answering phones and making coffee for six months. The monkey sends the calls to the wrong employees, hangs up on potential customers, and almost personally destroyed the deal between Unilever and TIGI when Bruno Mascolo called and the monkey asked how Bruno's brother Toni is doing and what he thinks of the deal.

But things are looking up. The monkey was so bad at the personal assistant job that they are now letting us apprentice with The Mad Scientist. As you can see, I mixed together the next super soap. This is top secret stuff. I put in a little dash of surprise. The monkey didn't even see me do it. You will have to buy some Dove soap and see if you can figure out my new super special ingredient. I'm hoping that the monkey will start using it and it will make him a super genius. If not that, then I just wish the monkey would bathe. It is unbearable to live next to monkey armpits like this.

And yes, as you can imagine, this photo is taken just a second before the giant monkey on my back lost his balance and sent me face first into the vat of liquid goo. I swear the dim wit was trying to kill me. The only reason he survived is because his big head was caught on the other side of the vat. It took 3 minutes before the emergency crews found us. Can you imagine the death, destruction, and mayhem that this would have caused if we weren't stuffed animals?

Work: Day 2

2008-08-18T20:00:00.000-07:00

Today, The Mad Scientist had us making her coffee. I'm pretty sick of this personal assistant gig already. What is next, pick up her dry cleaning? Tend to her kids? Do her dishes? Seriously, I'm a personal assistant, damnit, not a maid!

Tomorrow had better be more interesting or I'm outta here.

Work: Day 1

2008-08-17T22:24:00.001-07:00

The Mad Scientist took us to work with her today. I just need to say one thing. I AM NOT A SECRETARY. I am a personal assistant.

She had us answering phones all day. In between calls, I've been reading up about this Dove product line that she works on. I have to admit, this is some pretty cool stuff. And I love the Campaign for Real Beauty. I know the Mad Scientist had nothing to do with the ads, but where would the ads be without the products? Maybe they can use K for one of their ads. Those new photos she posted are hot!

Thompson

2008-08-08T20:00:00.000-07:00

Okay. Portland is out. The cat just found us. I thought that this was a pet-free environment. Wow am I disappointed. Okay, fun to visit, but time to move on to a new location. Brother S and his wife, The Scientist, have agreed to take us with them. Time to see what CT is like. I hear it is lush and green this time of year.

Old Friends

2008-08-07T20:00:00.000-07:00

I am hammered!

Finally, a fully stocked bar. [hiccup] Good food. Good friends. [hiccup] We actually met a couple of these characters when we were coming to Boston from Ireland. They were on the plane with us. They all live here in Portland. They really have the life of luxury. [hiccup] They are genuinely happy.

I'm beginning to think that Portland might be a better idea than California. iDad & P know how to take care of their furry friends! [hiccup]

Ride Home

2008-08-06T20:00:00.000-07:00

I've managed to secure us a ride on a vehicle. Even more brilliant is that this is the prison warden's own Jeep. Using my new found super powers, I have secured us to the spare tire. They will never find us!

Free at last! Thank God almighty, we are free at last!

Cops & Robbers

2008-08-05T20:00:00.000-07:00

We've disarmed the evil guards. They look like children but are actually highly trained military midgets. I'm amazed at their ability, but they were no match for my brilliant wit and charm! The operation was absolutely brilliant if I may say so myself.

Teetering on the edge

2008-08-04T20:00:00.000-07:00

Day ?? of our imprisonment. I've been here so long I don't even know how many days it has been. Possibly years. But there is good news. We are escaping! We've located the stairs and are making our way out of Skid Row. I can barely breathe. I am so excited! In just moments we should be free!

Prison Warden

2008-08-03T20:00:00.000-07:00

The prison warden is this mean bitch. She doesn't let us sleep more than an hour at a time. She relocates us constantly. And the Chinese water drooling torture is the worst! You can't see her, but her assistant prison warden is always close behind. She is even crueler than this one. Please send help!

Dead Monkey Walking

2008-07-28T20:00:00.000-07:00

Monkey Boy is an idiot. We are going to prison. Dead Monkey Walking. I'd rather be at Gitmo.

Hostage!

2008-07-27T20:00:00.000-07:00

Hostage!

I told you that this is a prison camp. We are forced labor. Now you have proof. Please send Amnesty International. We are being held against our will and made to work. They are barely feeding us. The toilets only work because we fixed them. They wake us in the middle of the night to interrogate us.

I'm a Mac!

2008-07-26T20:00:00.000-07:00

Do you want to know the most ironic part of my life? I'm afraid of heights.

Yes. I am afraid of heights and I'm attached to a monkey. Can you believe my dumb luck? Monkey Boy climbs everything he can. I can't even close my eyes because that kid in China painted them on open. I am living in my own personal hell.

Holy shit, I think he might be gay. He really does like it up the ass. What the fuck is he thinking? I can't believe he willingly went along with this shot. This is ridiculous.

Plumbing

2008-07-10T20:00:00.000-07:00

Today they had us installing the toilet. Finally, something flushable around here. K told us that in past versions of this vacation, flushing a toilet was a two-man operation. If you wanted to flush the toilet in one of the camps, you had to admit to someone that you took a shit and then ask them to stand in the other camp and hold a switch up while you flush. How embarrassing. If I had to guess, K probably didn't shit the whole time she was here.

Well, here you go, K. I got you a working toilet. Happy now? Can we come home yet? This vacation is going down the drain quickly.

More work

2008-07-09T20:00:00.000-07:00

I didn't know that I was being sent to a labor camp. Today we had to jack up the camp by 8". (I know there is some bad joke about jacking off 8" here, but I can't seem to get past the punchline) Whole fucking thing is falling into the lake. I don't know what they would have done without me. A complete environmental disaster. Lead paint, dead fish, it would have been a huge mess. And look at the fools they have working on this thing. Some retired government engineering contractor. The owner who spends his days working on cars with criminals. Another guy who programs little remotes for rich brats who can't figure it out themselves. And some kid who sells bicycle racks for a living. What do they know about lifting an entire building? What would they have done if I hadn't shown up to straighten the whole mess out?

Working

2008-07-08T20:10:00.000-07:00

Here I thought that we were coming to Maine for a vacation. What the hell is this? They made us start working today. This is ridiculous. Tease us with a ride on the jet ski. Let us think it is all going to be fun and games. Then Brother K says, "Hey, come look what we've done in this camp!" Next thing I know, we are slave labor. He used the monkey to swing through the rafters and hang cable in places that are unreachable by man.

How could this have happened?

Monkeying around

2008-07-07T20:05:00.000-07:00

Finally! Something to make this whole trip worth while. A ride on the jet ski. This thing is frickin' huge! It seats three people. Who needs to have three people on a jet ski? Why not get a boat?

Monkey Boy never did let me drive. And he drives like a grandma in a Cadillac. At least I got out on the water. If you look close enough, you can see I got a tan. No really, I did, I swear. No, I'm not fading. I'm getting darker. Take off your sunglasses. Squint a little. See, can't you tell?

What the hell is this? Another one of those damned four-legged monsters. This one happens to be Perl-monster's Mother. Is this thing what happens when you mix a cow with a dog? Is this what a Dogcow is? Does that make Perl-monster a Cowpuppy? I think this one might actually say "Moof." She is deaf, so I don't think she learned how to bark properly. Or she is French Canadian and has an accent. If she were French, it might sound a little more pretentious. Now I'm wondering how angry German Shepherds sound when they bark.

Sebec Lake, Maine

2008-07-07T20:00:00.000-07:00

I will never fly USPS again. Worst trip of my life. I thought flying Southwest and dealing with the cattle call was bad, but being crammed into a box alone with Monkey Boy for five days is absolutely unbearable. This is probably the only time that I'm thankful that we are made of fluff. Stuffing farts don't stink. Can you imagine a human fart in that box with no air holes? It would have been like an explosion in a waste treatment facility.

And to make it worse, K isn't even here. She left this morning. She didn't even wait for us. I know she knows that we were on our way. What a bitch. Just for that, I have no interest in going back to California any time soon. Think we will stick around here for a while.

Oh, and Monkey Boy thinks that the party is for him. What an idiot. It is K's Momma's 60th birthday in two days. I swear, he thinks everything is about him. Doesn't he know it is all about the humans? They could care less what happens to us. Guess I can't complain, since his head is full of cotton.

Is today the day?

2008-07-05T20:00:00.000-07:00

Please, anyone, can you hear me? LET ME OUT!

Today is Saturday. Why didn't the post office deliver us from evil today?

I'm suffocating from ignorance. The giant monkey on my back keeps singing Kum-by-ya and pretending he is sitting next to a campfire roasting marshmallows for s'mores. The monkey is going insane and he is driving me insane.

Even if you can't get me out of the box, can you somehow convince Monkey Boy to stop singing? He has a voice that would kill an angel at a hundred paces. For the love of everything good in the world, make it stop!

Boxed in

2008-07-04T20:00:00.000-07:00

Geezus, I'm still hyperventilating. I'm claustrophobic and now I'm stuck in this stupid box with Monkey Boy. As much as I distrust them, I actually miss the cats and the dog.

Of course today is a holiday so there is no way we will get delivered today.

Someone please, break into the post office and rescue me. I don't think I'm going to make it.

Another impostor!

2008-07-03T20:00:00.000-07:00

Monkey Boy is obsessed with these impostors. He is an idiot.

We're found!

2008-07-02T20:00:00.000-07:00

Neighbor S came back again today and found us in the golf bag in the closet. About damn time. I still can't forgive K for leaving without us. Frickin' moron. And then her neighbor can't even find us the first time. It isn't like this place is a palace or anything. Barely big enough to house a mouse, let alone a human, two cats, a dog, and a stuffed giant monkey that I can't get off my back.

Neighbor S took us to the post office. The POST OFFICE! Not the airport. What about my first class seat? What about the hot stewardesses? What about my martini at Legal Seafood in Terminal C at Logan? Wow, this chick has balls! She put us into a box and sent us to Maine. She didn't even poke holes in the goddamned box so that we could breathe. The conditions in here are horrible. Inhumane! Someone call the ASPCA or Amnesty International or something!

We'd better get there in time. I'm going to give K a piece of my mind!

Somebody get me another paper bag. I'm starting to hyperventilate again!

Hidden

2008-07-01T20:00:00.000-07:00

Neighbor S came in today to try to find us, but we are still in K's golf bag from Friday night. What a frickin' moron. I can't believe she left without us! What are we, chopped liver? Geezus. She gets us all excited about this trip and then leaves us at home. Just like a woman. What a tease!

We yelled, but Neighbor S didn't hear us.

I'm lonely.