Giant Steps Life Coaching

Take a Chance - What's the Worst That Can Happen?

noreply@blogger.com (Giant Steps Coaching) — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 16:28:00 +0000

How to Break the Cookie Habit - an excellent video explanation of understanding habits

noreply@blogger.com (Giant Steps Coaching) — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 16:19:00 +0000

How to Break the Cookie Habit - Video Library - The New York Times

This short video helps you understand how we make and can break habits by understanding the Cue, the Action and the Reward. He illustrates how he broke his mid afternoon cookie habit by understanding why he got up to get a cookie every afternoon.

Habits: How Companies Learn Your Secrets

noreply@blogger.com (Giant Steps Coaching) — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 15:49:00 +0000

How Companies Learn Your Secrets - NYTimes.com

People are creatures of habit. Companies research your buying habits in an effort to get you to change and buy their brand. This is a great article about how we form habits and how they work. The article provides some very deep research about how they work psychologically and how we can change them. An excellent piece!

Fortune Cookie of the Day

noreply@blogger.com (Giant Steps Coaching) — Sun, 12 Feb 2012 19:18:00 +0000

Retiring? Hate your job? Thinking of Changing Careers?

noreply@blogger.com (Giant Steps Coaching) — Sun, 12 Feb 2012 19:16:00 +0000

Career change can be very scary which is why people often talk about it and never do anything about it. Be realistic about it. Change seldom happens overnight. If you are planning to build a house, you don’t order the building materials and start building right away. You do find a site, do research, draw up plans, compare prices of materials, all of which could take years. Changing careers calls for being methodical and strategic. You can do it if you have support along the way, a good plan, and patience.

Here are a couple tips once you know what you want to do:

1: Visualize your job in concrete terms

If you can visualize and articulate the terms of what you are looking for, it’s easier to find people who can help you. Having an “elevator pitch” that can tell others succinctly what you are about will help.

2: Seek relevant work experience

Chances are you would bring a lot of knowledge and experience to your chosen field but you may lack direct experience. Find it! Volunteer or find a position that will help you fill in the gaps. It might be a low paid job but one that leads where you want to go.

3: Find a Mentor – Support Network

Chances are good that you will find someone who has jumped through the hoops and is willing to help you, especially if you offer them something in return. If they don’t want anything in return, you can return the favour by mentoring someone junior. What goes around, comes around. Know that you will need a support network. Find those who will support and encourage you. Consider whether your support network might include a career coach who has had the experience of guiding people through changes.

4: Supress your fears and don’t listen to the nay-sayers

Change is difficult enough without having to listen to hecklers, including your own. You have to stay focused on your plans. Don’t let your fears or other’s fears derail your goal or you will be like all the other people who talk about changing careers and never do.

Happy Holiday!

noreply@blogger.com (Giant Steps Coaching) — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 17:11:00 +0000

Wow, another year has gone by and I feel lucky to have had the opportunity to work with another couple hundred great clients. I feel very proud to have the chance to work with and help so many wonderful clients, not to mention an even greater number of consultations. Thank you for being there and supporting me in what I do.

I look forward to another great year, to meeting more people who touch my life with their special gifts, to learning more, not only from books, videos and workshops but from people who may not know what they have to give. I hope you and your family and friends and colleagues have a wonderful holiday and good times. This is the time of year when I start to think about what I have done and what I want more of in my life next year. It's time to do a major check in with my goals, to see what I have achieved and what may need a renewed effort. I hope you are getting more of what you want in your life and I'll see you next year!

Stefon Harris: There are no mistakes on the bandstand | Video on TED.com

noreply@blogger.com (Giant Steps Coaching) — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 16:53:00 +0000

Can it be that there is no such thing as a mistake? Could it be that it's only how we

respond to our mistakes that makes them mistakes? He's a short TED video on a whole new

way of looking at improvisation and mistakes. While you are on the TED site, have a look at some of the other cool videos if you have some time...

Stefon Harris: There are no mistakes on the bandstand | Video on TED.com

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23 and 1/2 hours: What is the single best thing we can do for our health? - YouTube

noreply@blogger.com (Giant Steps Coaching) — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 16:45:00 +0000

If you could only do one thing that would be the best things for our health, what do you think it would be? According to this short video by Dr. Mike Evans, this one thing has widespread benefits for our health and yet many of us don't or won't do it. Check it out.

23 and 1/2 hours: What is the single best thing we can do for our health? - YouTube

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Reinventing Yourself Part V - Visioning

noreply@blogger.com (Giant Steps Coaching) — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 21:44:00 +0000

Reinventing Yourself - Part V

If you have followed the previous steps, you probably have a good idea of where you are and may even notice how and where you get stuck. Your motivation for reinventing yourself is to start moving toward a future where you are creating and self-actualizing your vision. This can be difficult for many people. When I ask people where they want to be in five years, I often get a list of things they don't want. A vision will gradually emerge if you sit with a piece of paper in a quiet room for an hour.

There are likely many things you have dreamed about and wished for. They might be the type of work you have, a partner, a special place to live, things you do, enjoying all the things around you. I will list a series of questions to help spark your imagination. Write down what you think of in response to the questions and by the end of it you will have a good start toward a coherent vision for yourself.

To help you visualize your future self, here is a list of things related to a personal vision. After all, if you are going to transform your life, it’s not a bad idea to start with transforming yourself. For instance if you want to feel fitter and thinner, there is a good chance that you have to change some of your habits. Use this list to help you visualize your future self. This list is by no means exhaustive. Get down anything that comes to mind. While reading this list, imagine how your life will “feel” in five years:

What are your habits?
What does exercise look like?
What are your relationships like?
What does your body look like?
What do you enjoy eating?
Where are you living?
Who do you want in your life?
What are your activities?
How do you have fun?
How playful are you?
What are you learning?
What do you already know?
What is your attention to self-care?
How do you manage your growth?
How open-minded are you?
How much structure do you want?
What is your anxiety level like?
How do you feel?

For more help with creating a vision and setting goals, you can purchase my workbook called Hitting The Mark.

Gandhi Cuts Loose

noreply@blogger.com (Giant Steps Coaching) — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 21:14:00 +0000

I've never seen this picture before this week. Gandhi has a side we all know, the persistent, non-violent thinker/politician but who knew he could cut a rug like this? Just goes to show that we have many sides and it's worth developing them. Full expression of self is a joy to behold.

This picture gives me a lot of joy and it looks like he was having a very good time.

Reinventing Yourself Part IV: Questioning Your Beliefs

noreply@blogger.com (Giant Steps Coaching) — Fri, 14 Oct 2011 01:24:00 +0000

If you have been following the thread of my blog about Reinventing yourself, you are ready for the fourth part: Questioning your beliefs. When we get stuck there are usually conflicting beliefs behind it. For instance we may feel that we should be good citizens of the planet and limit our carbon footprint. Therefore we should be conscious about how much fossil fuel we consume, yet we mat also believe that we should be free to go anywhere we please. These two beliefs are sometimes in conflict and we may chose one belief over another or we may drive where ever we like and feel guilty about it. In April I wrote a post about how our beliefs work so I won't repeat myself. By reading my post you will have enough information to begin to question some of the beliefs you may hold that are keeping you stuck. You can read the post if you click here. Have a look at my previous post which is a link to a short video called Get Service that I thought was brilliant. Take care, have a good month and if you get invited to a Halloween party, pick a costume that shows another side of you that people may not see.

Get service video

noreply@blogger.com (Giant Steps Coaching) — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 18:10:00 +0000

This is a great short video that helps me remember to be compassionate toward others when I am engrossed in my own agenda. Get Service I post videos and links like this on my Giant Steps Coaching Facebook page which you might want to subscribe to.

Reinventing Yourself: Part III

noreply@blogger.com (Giant Steps Coaching) — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 16:15:00 +0000

What Do You Want?

Creating a Vision for yourself Now that you have become aware of your need for change and you have taken an inventory, the next step is to become really clear about where you want to go. In speaking to hundreds of people who really desire change, this can be the most difficult step. When asked what they want, most people immediately launch into what they don’t want. Well there are millions of things I don’t want. I don’t want cancer, malaria or a budgie. There are however a small number of things I do want. Focusing on those things is what helps me achieve them.

Creating a vision for yourself isn’t so hard: just ask yourself the right questions and write down the answers. Imagine where you want to be in five years. Based on your inventory, you already have a starting point of the things in your life that are already good, assuming you don’t have to start from scratch. Consider how you would answer the following questions… Think of what you deeply desire in your life to be a year from now, three years from now, five years from now. What has to change about you for that to happen? What transformations need to take place in you?

What do you need to know or learn? What do you already know?

What do you want to share?

Where do you want to live?

Where do you want to go?

What would make your life more amazing and fun?

How much money makes you feel secure?

Who would you share your life with?

How do you want your relationships to look?

What spiritual, emotional, personal, financial, social or physical aspects need to be addressed for these things to happen?

What do you want your day to look like? How will you spend your time?

What are your habits?

What does exercise look like for you?

What does your body look like?

What do you enjoy eating?

What does your home and surroundings look like?

What are your activities?

How do you have fun?

How playful are you?

How is your health?

How is your attention to self-care different?

How do you manage your growth?

How open-minded are you?

How much structure do you want? How much variety?

What is your anxiety level like?

How do you want to feel?

This is not a complete list, just a starting point to get you going. Consider what is important to you whether it is surrounding yourself with beauty, helping others, sitting at home with a good book or being out in the world experiencing new things. Once you focus on a long-term vision, you can work back three years, two years, one year and get clear about what you need to do today to start the ball rolling.

Imagining the future you want makes it easier to take action, right now. Consider what action steps you need to take. Write them down and do one of them right away. It might be something small like buying flowers, doing some research, reading a book or calling up a long lost friend.

Stay focused on your vision. It’s like driving a car. If you don’t keep your eye on the road, you may not reach your destination safely. Notice when you stray from your vision and get back on the path. Keep your vision where you can see it every day and consider what action you can take each day. It doesn’t have to be a big step. Just taking that step is the important part. Good luck and stay tuned for part 4.

Productivity Playhouse Workshops

noreply@blogger.com (Giant Steps Coaching) — Sat, 13 Aug 2011 13:08:00 +0000

My partner Katleen and I in Productivity Playhouse are offering a suite of workshops starting this fall. So far we are booked at the Rotman School of Business at the university of Toronto and with Toastmasters! We are looking forward to bringing our talents to a wider audience.

Workshop offerings

Leadership

Cooperative Leadership

Authentic Leadership

Personal Branding for Leaders

Writing skills

Public Speaking For Leaders

Presentation Skills

Team Building Skills

Focusing Skills

Polarity Management

Playful Productivity

Challenging Beliefs

Brainstorming Skills

Goal Setting for Leaders

Performance Enhancement

Stress Management for Executives

Coaching Skills

Communication Skills

Personal Skills

Self-Management

Personal Branding

Writing Skills

Public Speaking Skills

Presentation Skills

Focusing Skills

Communication Skills

Polarity Management

Challenging Beliefs

Brainstorming Skills

Time Management

Stress Management Techniques

Goal Setting

Recalibrating your life

Performance Enhancement

Life Coaching Workshop

Reinventing Yourself

Creativity

Polarity Management

Creatively Challenging Beliefs

Igniting Creativity

Brainstorming Skills

Reinventing Yourself

Fostering Open Mindedness and Curiosity

Health and Wellness

Work Life Balance

Meridian Tapping

Emotional Freedom

Recalibrating your life

Stress Management

Discovering your Mission/Purpose in Life

Reinventing Yourself -- Part II: Take an INVENTory

noreply@blogger.com (Giant Steps Coaching) — Fri, 12 Aug 2011 17:41:00 +0000

In part one of Reinventing Yourself the first step I discussed was having awareness that you are ready for reinvention. The second step is to get clarity on what isn’t working anymore. This step helps you avoid the pitfall of throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Chances are, most of the things in your life are going pretty well. Consider reinvention when some things in your life need to change.

I see this time after time in my practice: a client tells me the joy had gone out of his life, even when he has a decent job, good family and supportive friends. In the mad rush to become established, he left behind many of the things that gave him joy. We often have to go back 20 to 30 years to salvage memories of things he used to enjoy. At some point this client reinvented himself as an employee, a husband, a father and left behind the things that gave him joy and meaning. To avoid running into the same problem, take an inventory. It’s interesting to note that the word contains the word “invent”.

Creating an inventory is simple. Just take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle of it. At the top of one column write down “Working” and “Not Working” at the top of the next. This process will help you understand what areas you need to focus on and it will prevent you from feeling overwhelmed. Often when change is vague, we make it big and unwieldy when it can actually be discrete and manageable. If you have a few areas of your life that need to be inventoried, use separate sheets. For instance, if you are breaking up with your partner, you want to change your job and you might want to relocate, use three separate lists.

For most of us, change is scary and often stressful because we fear the unknown. Paring down the scope of change and being certain what doesn’t have to change makes change knowable. It also keeps us from the inevitable swing from one end of the spectrum to the other. How many people do you know who, in crisis, swung from one extreme to another? That’s because when we are unaware of the good we have, we are tempted to discard it and seek the opposite. The cliché of the mild mannered middle aged guy who, feeling like time is running out, buys a hot red sports car and acts like a twenty year old, is all too familiar.

A common response to fear of change is often paralysis, which is how we get stuck. We can’t move forward and we can’t go back. Knowing the small, often subtle, shifts we want to make and knowing what is working for us makes change knowable and doable. It also keeps us grounded and not tempted to over react.

Once you have come up with your list of lists of what’s working and not working, you can start to move forward. Take a close, hard look at what’s not working and ask yourself, how were you not being authentic. I believe that if we are being authentic, we create the life we want and avoid digging these deep holes that feel impossible to climb out of. For every item on your list, write a corresponding point that comes from your authentic self. For instance, if you are leaving a relationship where you were belittled and disrespected, how did you tolerate and allow that to happen? What will you do in the future to stand up for yourself? If you merely change partners without becoming aware of your need to change, you are simply shuffling the same cards and will get similar results.

What you are now doing is creating a list of authentic change. which becomes a list of personal change goals. This is your key to reinventing yourself. Rewrite the list as a set of personal change goals. For instance if you tolerated being disrespected, your goal might be to act more assertively when you feel slighted. So rather than changing the people or things in your life, you are changing yourself. Focusing on personal growth is the essence of reinvention. Change may not be easy and it may not happen quickly. Focusing on your goals is the best way I know how to realize the changes you want.

Remember there is always help available to make change happen faster. If you feel uncomfortable asking for help, then maybe that's an area worth looking at. Self reliance is held up as a virtue and we have to realize there are times when we just need to ask for help. It took having prostate cancer for me to realize this. I hope it you realize it without such extreme circumstances.

Reinvention Part One

noreply@blogger.com (Giant Steps Coaching) — Thu, 14 Jul 2011 23:24:00 +0000

This article is part one of a series of article on reinvention. Part One focuses on awareness of the need to change and a brief discussion of reinvention.

We reinvent ourselves many times in our lives. Most of us start off as helpless infants, somehow manage to get up, walk, learn to talk, get an education, hold down a job, have relationships, maybe having children and the lucky ones end up living a long happy life. Unless we are completely oblivious, the changes these stages require takes a lot of creative adaptation on our part.

Unless we have problems beyond our control, I believe we are constantly changing, tweaking things once in a while so we gradually adjust to the changes we need to make as they arrive. It’s not so much reinvention as a gradual evolution from infancy to childhood to adolescence. There are however, times when we must reinvent ourselves. When and why do we need to reinvent ourselves?

Typically people need to reinvent themselves when change arrives suddenly and unexpectedly and they are unprepared. Some of the huge game changers are separation and divorce, death of a loved one, having children, losing your job, or a long distance move. Abrupt changes like these cause stress, a loss of equilibrium and they are often very painful. Even when we see these coming, we often don’t make the changes we need to make. In each case, there is a sudden and dramatic need to change and respond. Denial or clinging to what we know are enough to keep us from adjusting to the new reality making the impact of change all the bigger.

Imagine what it's like being happily married then finding out your partner plans to leave you for another? All of the beliefs you have about loyalty, marriage, your partner, your goals, your imagined future and many you have about yourself are being challenged. Not to put too fine a point on it, your whole world turns upside down. You might react in a number of ways: paralysis; denial; rage; revenge; disappointment; fear; shutting down and so on. You can only do that so long. Eventually you will have to heed the call to action. If you don’t change your beliefs you remain in a quagmire until you do. That’s where reinvention comes in.

When I help clients reinvent themselves one of the first things that hit them is the realization why they are stuck and that there are ways forward. So, if there is a first step to reinvention of self, it’s simply to notice your need to reinvent and know it’s possible. Awareness that your life is lousy and that it’s time to change is always the first step.

Being stuck in a painful place sucks but you might be surprised how many people live in it. To tolerate a high degree of discomfort and get used to it is a uniquely human quality. How many lousy jobs or toxic co-workers have you tolerated? How many times you have stayed too long in dysfunctional relationships? In each of these cases, it helps to pull back and get some perspective and ask yourself, why do I tolerate this? Only when you answer that can you even begin to move forward.

I got good at reinventing myself as a child. My parents divorced when I was three and we moved a dozen times in the next seven years, including across the country. In that time, I went to five different schools. Always being the new kid gets old really fast. It wasn’t long before I figured out that each time we moved it was a new opportunity to reinvent myself. With practice, I became very good at being a chameleon, good at blending in and looking like I had been there all the time. That was my creative adaptation. Hey, it worked for me.

The first step to reinvention is to notice something is wrong. In fact noticing something isn’t right is the first stage of change. Without feeling discontent, change is impossible. Discontent is the prerequisite of progress. Noticing it is your job. Once you notice it then we can go to stage two.

Productivity Playhouse Launching

noreply@blogger.com (Giant Steps Coaching) — Wed, 13 Jul 2011 14:26:00 +0000

I am happy to announce that I'm taking my show on the road with my workshop partner Katleen Newton. Katleen is an experienced workshop facilitator, and a practicianer of NLP and Hypnotherapy. Together we have launched a new entity called Productivity Playhouse. We will be delivering high quality workshops and facilitation coupled with fun to many corporations and organizations in the greater Toronto area and beyond. Initially we will be offering a free lunch and learn so you can try us before you hire us.

We are offering workshops in goal setting, finding your personal power, stress reduction and work/life balance. We will be launching a website shortly at www.productivityplayhouse.com so you can check there for more information. I'm looking forward to working with groups again and if you would like to have us come in to do a workshop for your organization, please give me a shout.

If You Hear the Message Three Times, LISTEN - Book Review

noreply@blogger.com (Giant Steps Coaching) — Mon, 13 Jun 2011 19:16:00 +0000

If You Hear the Message Three Times, LISTEN

by Patricia Heller

Hampton Roads Publishing Company

283 pages

Reviewed by Bradley Foster

If You Hear the Message is a highly readable and inspiring account of Patricia Heller’s transformation from living with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) to becoming a spiritual and self aware healer. She takes us on her journey from curing her ‘incurable’ illness to investigating healing hands, past life regression, shamanism, manifesting greatness, automatic writing, heart centred transformation, her inner gypsy woman and many more. The book is actually an excellent survey of the healing modalities in America over the past fifteen years.

The title refers to what she calls “listening to the universe”. When you hear the same message three times, it is time to pay attention. She gives several examples of when she heard messages three times before she got it. In a heart centred transformation centre in the Arizona desert she heard the teacher tell someone to move her energy to her heart and ‘let it go’. This didn’t make any sense to her at all. The second time she was in awe standing over the Grand Canyon. She turned to her teacher and told her how it was so beautiful it hurt her heart. She was told to ‘let it go.’ She looked at him as if he was an alien. Let go of what, she thought? During a full blown attack of CFS at the centre she was again told to ‘let it go’ when the penny finally dropped. She realized that holding onto her anger was making her physically sick. She had to hear it three times before she was able to really hear it and ‘get it’. That was her last attack of CFS.

In case you are thinking there isn’t a modality Patricia doesn't like, rest assured that she approaches them intelligently and with a healthy scepticism that is often absent in books of this type. The road she is on is long and winding, full of insights, pot holes, blind alleys and magnificent vistas. Patricia takes us on the tour with excitement, passion and humility, without trying to make us into converts or convince us that she has found ‘the path’ to enlightenment. In a graceful and humble way, she describes what she found on her own quest for enlightenment and if there is a piece you can take away from it then she has done her job.

Readers are rewarded by Patricia’s insights and warmth; she does an excellent job of writing clearly and extracting the meaning out her experiences. I marveled at her curiosity and capacity to absorb and integrate so many different teachings and to draw important lessons from them that have relevance for a general audience. This book is especially exciting for those who are or who are thinking of going on a similar journey of self discovery.

As a coach I am constantly reminded that it is not the events that shape our lives so much as how we respond to them that is what makes us who we are. This book demonstrates how a woman with spunk, determination, courage, curiosity, a great sense of humour overcame a seemingly hopeless situation and the death of her husband to arrive in a place of wisdom, compassion and happiness. (originally published in 2007)

Hitting the Mark!

noreply@blogger.com (Giant Steps Coaching) — Mon, 13 Jun 2011 18:59:00 +0000

Announcing the publication of my new goal setting workbook: Hitting the Mark: A Workbook For Setting and Achieving Successful Goals.

The workbook guides you through steps of visualizing your future life, distilling your goals, committing to them, knowing why you want them and holding yourself accountable to achieving them. The workbook grew out of goal setting workshops I have run as well as working with clients over the past six years. You stand an excellent chance of identifying appropriate goals and achieving them with this methodology.

Contact me for more details. $12.99 paper, $7.99 eBook format. Watch for the Kindle version.

Hold Me Tight: 7 Conversations for a Lifetime of Love - Book Review

noreply@blogger.com (Giant Steps Coaching) — Fri, 06 May 2011 22:00:00 +0000

Hold Me Tight is the best book I have ever read on couples therapy because unlike a lot of other books, it makes sense and it works. Sue Johnson is an Ottawa-based professor and relationship therapist who noticed that traditional therapies often didn’t work. Instead of persevering with the old ways or blaming herself, she went back to the drawing board and came up with a new model.

When I was studying therapy I remember my teachers telling me that couples therapy was by far the most challenging kind of therapy—not for the faint of heart. Of course it’ll never be a cakewalk, but I think Sue Johnson has revolutionized the field by articulating clear and definite steps to healing broken relationships.

Johnson went back to the books and revisited Attachment Theory, pioneered by John Bowlby in the 1940’s. Most therapists assumed his theory was peculiar to parents and children since that’s what his studies were based on. Johnson’s stroke of genius was to realize that Bowlby’s theory underpins all relationships. Understanding relationships from a new angle gave Johnson a valuable and useful way of understanding how they function and how they break down.

Being on the clinical side gave Johnson the tools to articulate a theory and a way to test it. Also being a therapist she took her theory into the field and tested it on real couples having real attachment problems. Before long Johnson understood the hidden language behind disputes and began to teach couples how to have conversations with one another.

The result is this fine book that is part theory, part teaching tool and part self help book. Anyone can read it and get a very good idea of how to improve their relationship or teach couples how to talk to one another in a way that heals instead of inflames. Hold Me Tight is nicely organized around seven types of conversations that couples can have that will build trust and attachment between them. Couples can use this book as a guide to learn how to talk to one another and by mastering the steps. Beyond couples, parents and children and friends will find knowing how to have these conversations useful to maintaining the health of their relationships.

If you prefer to learn Hold Me Tight conversations experientially, Sue Johnson teaches her methodology to therapists and certifies them. There are now hundreds of therapists in North America who are trained to help couples learn how to talk and listen to each other. You can find a certified therapist or a training program near you at Hold Met Tight. I learned a lot from this book that I will put into practice with all my relationships. This is a book that everyone will benefit from reading.

Introducing my referral program...

noreply@blogger.com (Giant Steps Coaching) — Fri, 15 Apr 2011 02:22:00 +0000

I have created an incentive program for current and former clients to refer me to friends and colleagues. The deal is, I will pay you $250. if you refer me to someone you know who needs help reinventing her or himself. If you would like to embark on coaching with me, you can use this discount as long as you book ten sessions. You will get a bonus of two free sessions. Feel free to contact me if you have any questions about the program.

Are Your Beliefs Holding You Back?

noreply@blogger.com (Giant Steps Coaching) — Sat, 09 Apr 2011 21:09:00 +0000

The beliefs I hold underlie everything I do and say and how I perceive the world around us. My beliefs combine to construct a complex web of interconnected concepts that form my model of the world. It is literally how I see and experience the world around me. I have “concepts about the world and a concept is merely a belief and a belief is merely an opinion I have a particular loyalty to.* My beliefs can be very useful as a way of understanding the world around me as long as my beliefs are based on reality and I can tinker with them when they aren't.

I have beliefs about everything. I have beliefs about who I am, my place in the world, my job, about my children, the elderly, or politicians. When I meet someone for the first time, my beliefs fill in a lot of gaps in my knowledge about them. My beliefs create assumptions based on what I know or assume about people who resemble them. This is where it gets tricky. If I don’t want to be imprisoned by my beliefs, it’s critical to be aware of the difference between what I really know about someone and what I’m assuming about them.

So what is the point of having beliefs? They give us a way of understanding the world (our model of the world, remember). Some of them are based on hard evidence, our experiences in the world and many of them are received from our parents, our culture and our peers. Beliefs do a number of other jobs. Some are designed to keep us safe, others to make us comfortable and even some to keep us from worrying too much.

Even my most positive and noble beliefs can imprison me. The way elephants are trained illustrates that having beliefs that imprison us isn’t peculiarly a human trait. When an elephant is being broken in, the trainers take a huge chain and attach it to the elephant’s leg. They attach the other end to a spike that’s driven deep into the ground. No matter how much the elephant strains against the chain, it learns that resistance is futile.

As the elephant becomes more docile, the chain is replaced with smaller and smaller chains. The elephant comes to believe there is no point in trying to escape and never tries again. You might laugh at the elephant, and you might even think that it’s being irrational to imprison itself. This is exactly how beliefs work in humans. Everyone I’ve ever met, including you, has irrational beliefs. We are particularly good at building prisons for ourselves.

In 1955, Dr. Albert Ellis identified 12 common irrational beliefs. Most of us hold some or all of these beliefs. For example: I think I am most happy when I am inert or inactive when I am in fact happiest when I am engaged. Elephants are in very good company.

I notice that my world view is also responsible for how I get stuck. When my world-view doesn’t match reality, I stop dead in my tracks. If I stop long enough and don’t change my beliefs to align with reality, I’ll get stuck. For instance if my creative abilities are called into question, challenging many beliefs I have about myself, I might slip into inaction and self doubt. Rather than questioning the person who challenged me, I might undermine my own creativity. If I’m not aware of my beliefs, it’s difficult to change them.

Pain is what happens when your model of the world doesn’t match reality. Imagine you are in love with someone and have all kinds of belief about loyalty, love, and about that person in particular. What happens if they leave you? Pain! Where do you start to rearrange your beliefs about yourself and your concepts? These are pretty fundamental beliefs and it’s painful when you realize that they might be wrong. Suffering is what happens when you are in pain, but feel powerless to change anything.

In both cases you have a set of beliefs about how the world works. What would you do if you realized the stake binding you to your world-view became untethered? I think most of us would undergo a bit of a crisis and I’m sure it would be no different for the elephant.

It’s my belief that humans are creatures that have beliefs and always will have them but they aren’t set in stone. So how can you make the most of your beliefs, make them work for you, and not be limited by them? Rick Carson,* the author of Taming Your Gremlin has a paraphrase of the Zen Theory of Change that works for me. His version goes,

I free myself not by trying to free myself, but by simply noticing how I am imprisoning myself in the very moment I am imprisoning myself.

In other words, simply notice my beliefs and how you construct little worlds with them that often imprison you.

Consider for a moment whether your beliefs guide you toward problems or toward new solutions? Do your beliefs focus on your powerlessness or on your power of choice? If you want to feel directed, you want to choose your beliefs carefully. When you focus on solutions, your ability to make choices and the things that will take you forward, you will not only be happier but more able to help others. In order to take control of your beliefs, you must be aware of them when they pop up and be open to making new choices for yourself.

An elephant never forgets, but humans have the capacity to consider choices they are making and be aware of the consequences. By simply noticing my beliefs, I can begin to make small adjustments to my model of the world that might fit with the reality I encounter.

• I owe Rick Carson a debt of gratitude for imagining this line in his Taming Your Gremlin book. Visit my website at: http://giantstepscoaching.com

The Goldilocks Syndrome

noreply@blogger.com (Giant Steps Coaching) — Sat, 26 Mar 2011 13:40:00 +0000

June 16, 2009

Definition: An extreme sense of entitlement. Expectation of Manna falling from heaven without acknowledgment or gratitude. Named for the ungrateful character in Goldilocks and the Three Bears.

Twenty years ago, when my three year old daughter christened our tortoise Goldilocks, I always thought it was a very odd name for a beast with no visible hair on her gnarly body, blonde or not. Twenty years on, her appellation seems highly appropriate after all.

I failed to see what perhaps my daughter perceived that Goldilocks shares her namesake’s sense of entitlement. When the ‘real’ Goldilocks comes upon the cottage in the woods, she helps herself to whatever she finds. Not content to enjoy the amenities, she has the pluck to be fussy about everything she finds: one bed is too hard, one is too soft. As if everything exists for her pleasure, she never considers who it belongs to, that she might be imposing, doesn’t feel remorse after eating their porridge or breaking their furniture or feel the least bit grateful. Perhaps Goldilocks and the Three Bears can be seen as a way of teaching children how to be a better guest.

When Goldilocks (the turtle) is hungry, she rouses herself from the box where she sleeps and clatters into the kitchen. Especially when she detects cooking smells, she cranes her neck expectantly. More often than not, a chunk of curried beef, a raw shrimp (shelled and cut up) or a piece of mango drops in front of her. She eats (imagine a steam shovel tearing away at a piece of meat the size of a car), she defecates, and then returns to her box. To me, it feels like she has an expectation that tasty snacks fall from the sky when she is hungry…and she’s usually right. Any acknowledgement (apart from emptying her bowels), appreciation or gratitude is not part of this equation.

I chuckled at my tortoise’s apparent sense of entitlement. I told my friends about her but then I began to notice that her attitude isn’t that unique. My teenage children appear when they are hungry, snacks materialize in front of them, they eat, and they leave, all with a disturbing lack of appreciation or gratitude. Could it be contagious? Is there something I’m doing wrong?

I have since dubbed this extreme form of entitlement, the Goldilocks Syndrome. I notice it at work and in many aspects of my life. I see it in beggars, princes’ and princesses, in General Motors and in those who expect something for nothing. My teenagers will grow out of it as they mature and learn that stuff doesn’t just fall from the sky. Like many of us, they become more grateful and appreciative as they learn how to fend for themselves. As for Goldilocks, there isn’t much I can do but toss her a chunk of mango once in a while and hope that food appears when she needs it.

Tapping out Crude Rhythms on a Cracked Kettle

noreply@blogger.com (Giant Steps Coaching) — Sun, 13 Mar 2011 20:36:00 +0000

I was talking to a therapist friend the other day about the problems humans have with communication. Even the most articulate of us struggle to make our thoughts and feelings known and understood. I ran across this quote by Gustave Flaubert from Madame Bovary, which sums the situation up nicely and with grace...

"Whereas the truth is that fullness of soul can sometimes overflow in utter vapidity of language, for none of us can ever express the exact measure of his needs or his thoughts or his sorrows; and human speech is like a cracked kettle on which we tap crude rhythms for bears to dance to, while we long to make music that will melt the stars."

Indeed, even our best efforts at communication can seem like crude rhythms tapped on a cracked kettle, frustrated that we are unable to make music that would make the stars dance.

New Men's Group forming

noreply@blogger.com (Giant Steps Coaching) — Tue, 08 Mar 2011 17:59:00 +0000

If you are a man interested in connecting with other men, you are invited to become a part of our dynamic, powerful and exciting men's group focusing on authenticity, personal development and what it means to be a man in the world today with changing needs and roles. How do we balance our masculine forces with our modern roles and positions, develop our true inner creativity, be fully self-responsible and self-directed, and foster strong permanent bonds leading to life-long loving healthy relationships? Step into your most powerful and real self today!

The goal of our bi-weekly Real Men’s Group is to create the opportunity for men to share, connect deeply with other men in a great atmosphere of trust and brotherhood. We encourage you to explore and work through any patterns that may keep you restricted in negative beliefs and attitudes, consider new possibilities and develop healthy choices to bring balance within your life. The Real Men’s Group uses leading edge group and coaching strategies. Group dynamics have been shown to be immensely effective creating a safe space to explore issues that men often cannot address even with their loved ones. You are not as alone as you may sometimes feel.

The group starts on Wednesday March 16^th, 2011. It will remain open to new members until we reach 12 members so act quickly if you want a seat in the group. We will meet until mid-June.