Girl Boss

YOGA SHMOGA

2012-03-27T10:28:00.001-07:00

Ok, i just had a baby a week ago and I could write about that but I just had a thought. I can't stand girls that run around in yoga clothes all day with mats on their back. I especially can't stand people who think that doing a cleanse will change their life. I hate band wagon diets that don't include meat and dairy. It is a crock of shit! If you want to change your life go for a run. Jump in the water! Do something nice for someone. Think about doing the right thing. Don't be a flake.
Yoga is cool as a spiritual excercise but if you are just doing it so you can post a picture of you in a bathing suit on your facebook profile you can shove your yoga mat up your skinny ass... if it comes out of your mouth it will taste the same as all the vegan crap you eat... so don't fret.
I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. sigh. And if you are worried about this post being about you it probably is.

Celebrate The Weird Things If They Aren't Necessarily Good things

2012-02-16T20:05:00.000-08:00

***I am having a baby in about a month and I wore my regular jeans today that are 2 years old. This may be due to the fact that my baby is basically growing into my ribcage and she is breach... but whatever! My butt must be almost OK. I feel like this is a miracle. Celebrate!

***This is the first year I have ever filed my taxes early, or even close to on time. And I did it all by myself on the computer. Just now. I am beaming. I even have a confirmation number and my Revenue Canada accounts says they received it. For someone who once waited 7 years to do taxes, this is a major accomplishment.

***I filed for my maternity early this time. When I had my twins I couldn't get my shit together and forgot to send in ROE's. This time its all tickety boo. Ducks in a row. A crooked row with four employers, but a row none the less.

***I have about a month of frozen food prepared in the freezer for when my baby arrives.

*** I have the most amazing supportive and understanding friends who care about me no matter what kind of weird messes I get myself into. Even being pregnant with no dad and having to move 17 days before I give birth. The only question they ask is "how can we help."

*** I just got to spend the last 3 months on a gorgeous float home at my favourite place in Victoria house sitting for a friend. (thank-you) It was a perfect place to spend time alone, be peaceful, create food, and cry... a lot of crying!

*** I love realising that things are only as good as I make them or let them be. I get another little bundle of personality to figure out and nurture. What an opportunity!

I have a lot of great things going on although some people might not think so. I feel really blessed and happy to have magical things happen in my life. Like mistakes turning into miracles!

My Bed is Like a Little Boat

2012-02-10T21:57:00.000-08:00

confession

2012-02-09T19:45:00.000-08:00

SHHHHH! Don't tell anyone that I am scared and that I have nightmares about my ex mother in law stealing my baby.

Gotye - Thanks For Your Time

2012-02-08T11:07:00.000-08:00

Breakthrough Break

2012-02-08T10:06:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago I deleted my Facebook account in hopes of having some sort of mind blowing creative epiphany where I would produce an elegant piece of artwork including multi-media concepts with an inspiring message that would speak to the masses. Well, it didn't happen. I am very pregnant, tired, a little bit lonely, and stressed. I have been in this frame of mind before. It is called survival mode. After spending three eventful hours at the E.I. office trying to organise my maternity leave or sitting in a room full of couples at the obstetrician's office, the last thing I feel like is being creative. The first thing I feel like doing is loosing myself on Facebook, looking at my ex-boyfriends' profiles, paging through photos of people I barely know who have 'picture perfect' lives. Photos of them at weddings, baby showers, travelling, hiking, and attending other social events that are all documented and preserved perfectly and forever on Facebook.
There are people that do not care about their profiles. These are people that aren't afraid to say negative things on their statuses, or post pictures of themselves with a lump or bump showing. I always like those people. Then there are people who carefully edit their profiles. Only positive comments and quotes fill their pages. There are people that rarely check their facebook account and others who are faithfully connected through their cellphones and e-mail accounts transforming status updates from 'friends' with whom they don't even speak with on a one on one basis into a form of feeling connected to someone or something. But is it something?
In my situation I was feeling helpless towards Facebook. Facebook was making me feel bad. Or maybe it was me making Facebook feel bad? Perhaps I was just feeling bad and it had nothing to do with Facebook. Stalking people never makes you feel good in any situation. Lets just put it that way. Because I have not been working and my social activity is at a low, Facebook was taking the place of being with people and not doing a very good job. I know it is the way of the future and I don't think it is a bad thing. I am just confused about where and how it should fit into our lives. I am not deleting it from my life permanently, but I do believe this break is necessary in some way.
So if I have not had my groundbreaking creative epiphany, at least I feel partially released from the grip of social networking for a little while. I still check my e-mail every day and of course I am writing in a blog... but I don't know what everyone is doing all day unless they call me or send me a message. This makes me feel good and I guess that is all I was going for to begin with!

Vent Open

2012-01-19T00:03:00.000-08:00

It has been a very long time since I have made a note here. I have no reason or excuse, only that I have not felt like writing. Now that I have a computer again I suppose it could be easier to make regular entries. Because I am feeling generally uninspired and tired due to an alien parasite attacking my uterus, I am forcing myself to start writing because it is an easy way to encourage creativity. This is an unplanned public declaration that I do not feel creative and I really just feel like complaining about the abundance of Lego on my floor and the fact that someone told me they heard I gained weight. Isn't that a nice thing to say? Yes, it is true I am gaining weight but it is due to the alien parasite. I am happy to be harbouring a fugitive none the less. I feel like we have something in common.
I am happy to be pregnant. Peoples' reactions on the other hand have caught me off guard but I am not sure if it is because I am hormonal and extra sensitive or if people are ass holes. I will decide later.
People seem to think life is easier with a husband. I have not had that experience and being independent seems to be the safest route for now. Not that I don't want a partner or that I am against it. I actually don't have a choice right now!
It is not my idea of fun to have to call someone and tell them if I went three dollars over the grocery budget and that I will be ten minutes late because I had to take a shit. I am ok single for now.
I am sure that I will eventually find someone who is really amazing and who i want to be with. I am only referring to the frustration of people judging me for having this baby by myself. I am doing it differently, not wrong. You do not need to be the person who informs people of the many difficulties associated with being a single parent. The single parent knows that. Just like I do not need to be the one to tell you about your life. You already know about it.
I have learned from enough from my own past to know what a mistake looks like and although it may not be ideal or easy, this is not a mistake.

You can't be my structure... I actually have to work on it myself. Shoot.

2011-07-13T17:20:00.000-07:00

Taking responsibility for myself is really, really, really, hard.

Taking responsibility for you is unnecessary.

When I am paranoid about you lying or being deceitful it is a direct reflection of my own lies and deceitfulness.

I dealt with a few things this week that have been bugging me and it reminds me of something my mom told me when I was little. She told me that each lie or sin is like a string wrapped around you binding you. They all bundle up and bind you. Eventually you can't breath! That isn't any fun. Believe me. I know!

Better

2011-06-29T11:24:00.000-07:00

'We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed, perplexed, but not in despair, persecuted, but not forsaken...

snail-like choices

2011-06-24T14:16:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about how bad choices seem reproduce. You make one... then more always seem to follow turning into a big mess. It reminds me of a coil of rope. The end of the rope is like the first bad choice and then it keeps coiling around itself until you didn't know when it started and intstead of looking like a rope it ends up looking like a snail. Just like how my life has ended up looking like a disaster... there once was a nice cleanly cut ropes end in the middle behind the tangled mess.
Today I feel like someone has stretched me all the way up the deck in a straight line:))

Lucky as a Horseshoe on a Door, but not on an Outhouse Door

2011-06-23T13:13:00.000-07:00

I had a visit with a dear friend this morning that made me feel so good about the day! I am worth a lot even with my bumps and creaks. My real friends and family know that I have done an amazing job and even though I have a long way to go... I have done a lot of great things. I don't need anyone in my life who has conditional love or people who think they know what I need to do to fit into a ticky tacky box. I had enough of that with my crazy ex. Ok, that's it! The funk is over and I am back to myself fighting for my kids and for my life. There's a bible verse that says "let your yes be yes, and your no be your no." I let people get away with maybes. I have been a maybe. I have told people maybe. Real grown ups say yes or no. I feel like I just got my courage back. Thank-you GOD. Thank-you all the people who have faith in me. Thank-you life! I am blessed (lucky, fortunate, and in the right place at the right time all the time)Whew..!

The Good With The Bad.... And The Good Again!

2011-06-22T13:51:00.000-07:00

Bad choice- trying to date before when I wasn't established in turn delaying personal growth which made it not work out anyway :(

Good choice - getting a new job in my field where I will be making more money:)

Bad choice - islolating myself from my family.

Good choice - sitting down and forcing myself to write some thoughts down and sing songs.

Bad Choice - not caring :(

Good Choice - attending meetings with other women every week to maintain a healthy attitude :)

Good Choice - deciding that the only person stopping myself from doing the right things is me :)

Good Choice - forgiving myself for letting my negativity and past affect my current relationships... and forgiving the people involved :)

2011-06-21T18:14:00.000-07:00

I Need to remember why I wrote this.

2011-06-21T16:59:00.000-07:00

Not About a Man

My heart was steeping in cold water
Cold and wet, dripping with regrets
I gather is pools on your sundrenched shore
I bask in your greatness, you always love me more

Man made pillars swaying in the wind
Supporting my fears, they're sinking in
Your mercy and your grace, soon fear will be erased
Replace my fear with love, always at your pace

I roll towards you like waves to the land
Loosing my own shape as I break on the sand
Each time I return, lapping on your shore
Can't wait to touch you, I can't wait for more

Break the momentum I've gained on my own
You've sent strong winds to send me home
I never want to go astray again
Guide me with your hands

steam slowly releasing

2011-06-16T16:23:00.000-07:00

After having a roller coaster week I am realizing more and more that I am not giving myself any alone time to heal. Sometimes my brain gets going so fast and negativity turns into a huge flaming ball of poorly chosen words and actions. I am working on being quiet and knowing that God is always with me. I have spent the last year expecting a human to fufill parts of me that only a higher power can understand and satisfy. One more mean thing to say, one more drink, one more cup of coffee, one more ciggarette, one more login to facebook, one more night with someone who doesn't love me... I start hating myself when I think of how dependent I am on these things and relationships and how I use them to occupy my mind instead of enjoying mysef and just being with God. Walking in the spirit is what I learned about last spring. Lying on the grass staring up at the sky above the farm I cried out to God to never let me become sick again...
(like the chorus in one of my songs)
break the momentem I've gained on my own
you have sent strong winds to send me home
I'll never go astray again
guide me with your hands

I've been sliding into bad habits and ways of thinking that are not beautiful or Godly... two things I think I became last year and also two things I can become again. The good news is that I don't need to hate myself or feel bad! God is on my side and if i take the time to examine myself and let God show me how to heal I can't loose.

Just some thoughts from my head.