Girl Interrupted (Headlines)

Fibromyalgia: I'm losing my mind! Literally!

2006-01-23T11:32:00.000+02:00

Over the last two years (since my fibromyalgia has been worst), I have somehow felt that I have been getting stupid. I can't seem to think as clearly as I did before, and I certainly don't seem to be as clever. Now I know why.

In the first episode of the Fibromyalgia Weekly podcast, I heard Betsy Singh-Anand mention a link between chronic pain and the loss of IQ points due to brain shrinkage. I asked her for more information, and oh my gosh! What scary stuff for the chronic pain sufferer!

According to a study at the Northwestern University Institute of Neuroscience, by Professor A. Vania Apkarian, chronic pain causes cognitive losses due to shrinkage of the prefrontal cortex and other areas. Previous research found that ongoing back pain (at least 6 months) causes abnormal brain chemistry in areas important in emotional assessments, decision-making and control of social behaviour.

So, if I've gone postal at you, my friends, at any time in the last few years (a specific MTG tournament organising thing comes to mind), well, I'm sorry, its obviously that my brain has gone loopy.

Further research using MRI, published in the Journal of Neuroscience, showed that people who lived in chronic pain had brain shrinkage per year equivalent to 10-20 years of normal aging! (Shaky voice: You know, when I was young...). Although this shrinkage is indicated in the gray matter (i.e., the thinking part of the brain), the study did not link this loss to brain function, so it could be non-critical areas that are becoming atrophied. And, they're not sure whether this brain damage is irreversible. Suck to be me right now!

Another study has linked an overweight or obese BMI to brain shrinkage.

Double whammy for me! Another reason to lose weight post haste!

Other studies by Catherine Bushnell, a researcher at McGill University's Center for Research on Pain in Montreal, have shown that it helps to be distracted from your pain, so tell your family to stop asking you how you feel and listen to more music or something.

http://www.futurepundit.com/archives/002482.html
http://abcnews.go.com/Health/PainManagement/story?id=531217&page=1
http://www.livescience.com/041122_brain_pain.html
http://www.webmd.com/content/article/97/104181
http://www.worldhealth.net/p/237,1863.html

Filed as: Fibromyalgia »

Diet: Cognitive dissonance applied to a weight loss program

2006-01-22T18:02:00.000+02:00

I am psychologically invested in the TLC program I wrote about earlier.

cognitive dissonance

Induced compliance:

Justification of effort

summed up very nicely in this Dilbert cartoon

Dilbert cartoon

Filed as: My Diet »

Diet: The TLC weight loss program

2006-01-21T17:22:00.000+02:00

After promising for ages to post about my diet program, here it is (no, don't have a hernia - I typed this post out ages ago, well before I decided on my Hiatus, and I just needed to email it in, so there):

The TLC (Therapeutic Lifestyle Changes?) diet program is, I think (in a nutshell), Atkins (low carb) cross weight watchers (weekly weigh ins).

Psychomuffin

little animal quiz

(1) carbohydrate

(2) fats & proteins

(2)

(1)

lower your insulin levels, since this hormone inhibits fat metabolism (pathway 2) and stimulates pathway (1)
increase your protein intake - more protein means pathway (2) is switched on to break down those proteins, and hey, whaddya know, fat burning happens as a bonus...
rid your body of glycogen stores. In plants, carbs are stored as "starch". In animals, carbs are stored as "glycogen". When you don't eat carbs, your body will first try to use its glycogen stores (easiest energy source, as explained above). Once those are depleted, it will grudgingly go to its fat stores.

Psychomuffin asked me " Why do you want to change? (A) Because you hate being fat, or (B) because you'd love to be thin?"

Its both really - I can't separate the two. I hate looking in the direction of the mirror in case I catch a glimpse of myself in it. And, I fantasise about what it will be like to be thin again. And healthy (let's not forget healthy, because of course, wanting to be thin for the sake of being thin is Wrong and Succumbing to The Media).

The psychological investment I have made in this program follows in a later post.

Filed as: My Diet »

Fibromyalgia weekly podcast

2006-01-20T15:25:00.000+02:00

I have found a fabulous weekly podcast on fibromyalgia and fibromyalgia syndrome (FMS) http://www.fibromyalgiaweekly.com. It's hosted by Betsy Singh-Anand, who is a registered nurse and licensed massage therapist, and who also has FMS. Her podcasts, which are published every Monday, are wonderfully informative, and the Yahoo Group she has set up as a companion group is also really great to be subscribed to - its newish, meaning that there are not yet that many people on it, and its not just a support group, its an information group as well. So many of the other FMS Yahoo groups are really big and have degenerated into whining sessions.

Now, I love whining as much as the next person, but I do enough of my own whining, and I don't need to be subjected to more of the same. Now, before you start thinking I'm cold-hearted and callous, I know how it is to need to just speak out and be heard, especially with something like FMS, because so many people don't believe, or just don't understand how you can be in pain when there's nothing visibly wrong with you. That is the whole reason I started blogging in the first place. However, I believe that just complaining isn't very helpful - there needs to be a flow of information for me in order for the group to have value for me.

Fortunately, this group does that.

Filed as: Fibromyalgia »

Fibromyalgia: Crash and burn

2006-01-19T17:11:00.000+02:00

I really over-did it yesterday. I pushed myself so hard that I was forced to take a pain killer by the afternoon, which ultimately means that the rest of my week is poked. It takes me about a week to recover from one or two (or three at most) hard days in a row, in the lab. How am I ever going to keep on track this way?

And no, I can't do something non-physical, like write, on "recovery days", because my brain gets poked too. The only thing I am capable of doing is arbitrary anal retentive stuff, like tidying and organising, or ideally some kind of repetetive task (I find the repetetiveness soothing) or stuff that doesn't require any thinking on my part. Like reading fiction, or watching TV, or whining for a back rub. Or sleeping.

Filed as: Fibromyalgia »

Hiatus

2006-01-16T08:30:00.000+02:00

Unable to control myself, I have given J the log in and password to my blogger account, and have asked him to change it. I need two weeks without the constant siren call of blogging to just finish my thesis and get done. I have, however, asked him to leave my email-to-blog on, so at least I can email Blogger from my phone, or what ever. (Its the template hacks that consume me).

In related news: I've made a decision not to do my PhD just yet. Every fibre of my being screams no when I think about it (I think I'm burned out), and I think committing to a PhD with that attitude would be a big mistake. So, anyone know of any jobs going in Cape Town?

Further news: I love the TLC diet - every time I get on the scale, I weigh less and less. In another day or two, I should hit 89kg - its gonna be great to be out of the 90's...

Drunken debauchery at the Catz Pajamas

2006-01-15T23:50:00.000+02:00

Boxing Day, 2005. The Catz Pajamas. An evening of serious cocktails.

The result: a plan, a cunning plan, a plan so cunning you could pin a tail on it and call it a weasel. The Plan: Europe, 2006.

Well, actually, its now Europe 2007 due to some unfortunate wedding issues (not mine), and its really only Spain, the Netherlands and Germany, not the whole of Europe. But, Boomclick, J and a bunch of friends are going (D-man, Psychomuffin, eduJ - come on, save up some money and come with us...) for three wild weeks of fun, sex, beach, sex, nudist beaches, Klub Wondersex, cookies in Amsterdam, recuperation in Germany, wild party in Berlin, more sex...

Its going to be a blast! We've started a team blog about it: The Euro Trip, and pretty soon I will hav a podcast or two posted from the night of drunken planning.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More details? J and I met with some friends, Boomclick (who has deleted his blog), and his brother, who has no blog (as far as I know), at a 24 hour bar/restaurant in Jo'burg called The Catz Pajamas (in Melville). Its quite a nice place (although the floor is very slippery), and they have a yummy cocktail menu and some delicious food (at least, I think it was delicious... its hard to be objective. Everything tastes delicious when you have the munchies).

I recorded most of the night's conversation on my phone, until the battery died. Some of the sound quality is quite poor (mostly due to people holding the phone too close, or being at the other end of the table from the phone), but on the whole, it makes for some amusing listening.

Mostly, it was a planning expedition for This Year's Travel Plan (hereafter known as The Plan). The Plan is to go to Spain to have lots of alcohol and sex on the beach, then go to Amsterdam and have lots of drugs and sex (I wonder if I will be able to find Klub WonderSex?), and then go to Germany, where we will recover from the drugs and alcohol. And have more sex. (Boomclick is in some severe need of rebound sex and debaucherous behaviour, which we, his friends, will all support fully).

We (that is, J, Boomclick and I) were trying to convince his brother that climbing K2 is a sucky plan, and he needs to come to Europe with us. In addition, we are inviting two more of J and Boomclicks old school buddies (Mitch and Stephen - so sorry, Stephen, I thought it was Stephan, and I got a firm correction halfway through the night about it being Stephen, so many appologies for getting your name wrong), and a german girl (Tina) who, they are hoping, will have some hot, sexy friends to bring to Spain, so the boys can watch hot lesbian sex. This was very important, as you'll notice throughout the conversations.

I've tried to group the conversations into two main threads:
1) drunken talk about spain, sex and nipples
2) drunken catalogues of the drinks consumed thus far.

At Boomclick's request, I have beeped out all mention of his real name, so that his boss doesn't find out... Otherwise, enjoy.

Filed as: Arb Personal Stories »

Updated RSS feeds and Technorati crawling

2006-01-14T13:56:00.000+02:00

Just a quick note - I've updated my RSS feeds to allow readers to select Full, Truncated or Headline only feeds (thanks to Improbulus, of A Consuming Experience). If you subscribe via the old feed (http://feeds.feedburner.com/dreamweaver2005), please change your subscription - (thanks so much).

In other news - I'm trying to update the tags for my old posts, since they weren't crawled properly by Technorati, so there are a lot of old posts showing on my main page, and as a result, this blog will probably take an age to load - please bear with me. As soon as Technorati have done their thing, I will reduce the number of posts on the main page back to a reasonable amount.

Update: Damn, they've classed me as a splog. Bugger. Unsplog me please, Blogger!

This week is allergy week

2006-01-13T13:22:00.000+02:00

Seems that this week is a week for allergies. Last night, I went to dinner at my boss's house and I broke all my diet no-no's (I'm on water and apples today, for that).

It seems that, to punish me for the sin of scoffing bread, rice, potatoes, smoked foods, butter (too much of), lentils, pasta, cheddar cheese, peanuts, and carrots (I think the only thing at dinner that I could have legitimately eaten was lettuce, and even that I have to have in moderation because it aggravates irritable bowel syndrome), my tongue decided it was allergic to something and swelled to a disagreeable size. I say disagreeable because it was difficult to talk without slurring, but mostly because my tongue kept getting in the way of my molars. My molars are particularly sharp, I've discovered.

In other news, both my dogs (that's Gadget, the untrained dalmation who apparently needs to go on diet, according to the vet [he says she's become a barrel dog], and Honey, the sort-of-trained labrador) are allergic to grass (no, that's not the news, we've known that one for a while) and have had to have shots and be put on to the most expensive dog food known to man, Eukanuba Dermatitis (or something like that), because the vet thinks it may be a food allergy. I ask you, R350 for a 10kg bag that lasts less than a month between the two dogs? My mom is practically having kittens - she doesn't believe dogs are like children, with ongoing costs. The cheaper the dog food the better, according to her. I couldn't disagree more, but then I'm not paying. So, in an effort to save my dogs from my mother's miserly tendencies, I have been phoning around various vets, looking for other food allergy alternatives. The cheapest I can come up with is Vet's Choice, for R125 per 8 kg bag. Still more than twice what the supermarket charges for Epol, but its way better than R350.

Lastly, the people we are staying with this week have a staffie. It broke out in hives the other night. Have you ever seen a dog with hives? It was the strangest thing I've ever seen - bumps all over this poor thing. You could see the bumps right through the fur (can you imagine how big they must have been to be seen through the fur and all?). I would have loved to have taken a picture of it, but since the owners were a bit distraught at their dog's alarming condition and obvious discomfort, I thought it would probably be a little tactless to whip out my phone and start snapping away.

Filed as: Arb Personal Stories »

Seems I am on the right track

2006-01-12T11:19:00.000+02:00

Well, this is the most accurate quiz I've done in a while...

Seems this quiz thinks I should be a Biology/Psychology major. Funny, that... (click to dropdown the results)

Biology

Biology

92%

Psychology

92%

English

83%

Journalism

75%

Linguistics

67%

Sociology

67%

Theater

58%

Chemistry

58%

Engineering

58%

Philosophy

50%

Mathematics

50%

Anthropology

42%

Art

33%

Dance

33%

What is your Perfect Major? (PLEASE RATE ME!!<3)

created with QuizFarm.com

Filed as: Arb Quiz Results »

Recommended Podcast from 43 Folders

2006-01-11T15:54:00.000+02:00

No, 43folders is not another meme like 43places or 43things, but an interesting blog by Merlin Mann. He has a very funny and very cynical postcast about New Years resolutions, which I found intriguing to listen to. It also has the dubious honour of being the first podcast I have ever listened to (gasp, shock, horror - I know, I'm not as geeky as I used to be... I'm busy and I have a life. Sort of.)

Give it a try.

Filed as: Miscellaneous »

Diet: Why is water so critical to weight loss?

2006-01-10T17:00:00.000+02:00

I'm sure I have written about this before, but I can't find that post, so here it is again: Why is water critical to losing weight?

No, don't roll your eyes! This is very important!

1) To "flush out toxins".
Everyone knows burning fat supposedly releases a lot of "toxins" that need to be flushed out. I don't really like the term "toxins", but I suppose its true - metabolic waste products do need to be flushed, and the easiest way to do that is through the urine. Or breath - do you ever get that furry feeling on your tongue while on diet, or halitosis? You can alleviate this diet side effect by drinking more water.

2) To keep your kidneys focused so your liver doesn't have to.
Your major fat burning factory in the body is your liver. You want your fat factory burning at maximum capacity. Unfortunately, your body doesn't quite see things the way you do - for your body, minor things like, say, keeping you alive, is more important than you fitting into your size 34 jeans again. So, when you are dehydrated (and losing weight, so more to clear out anyway), your kidneys start to struggle to perform their function properly. Your liver then kicks in to help out, since keeping your blood clear of metabolic waste products ("toxins") is a more urgent and important function. Bad, bad. You don't want to distract your liver. Keep your kidneys happy, and your liver can focus on your fat and not have to pick up the slack. This is my favourite reason to drink water, by the way. (Look after your kidneys, you'll miss them when they're gone.")

3) Three water molecules per fat molecule.
You can visualise a fat molecule as looking like a big letter E. When your body breaks fat down, it chops off the horizontal arms of the E and caps the "freshly cut" ends with a water molecule - sort of, I suppose, like a plaster. (Ok, bear with me if you're a biologist or scientist - I'm writing this for non-scientists, and really, I think that's the easiest way of explaining). Half the "plaster" (water molecule) goes on the vertical bit (the | part of the E), and the other half goes on the horizontal bit. As you can see, there are three arms on the E, so three water molecules are needed (again, I know - very simplistic, but if you're a scientist, bear with). This is the most water your body will need to break down a nutrient - carbohydrates only require one water, and proteins only require one or two, depending on the protein. So, if you want your fat broken down at all, you are going to need to provide your body with the tools to do it - there are other more important things your body may need to use its supply of water for, so don't make it have to choose!

Just for reference: the E represents a "triglyceride". The vertical | represents a glycerol molecule, and the three "arms" of the E are three fatty acids.

4) You're probably thirsty, not hungry
I'm sure we've all heard how, if you feel hungry (particularly if you feel hungry and thirsty at the same time) you should drink some water, because you're more than likely just thirsty.

5) You'll help regulate your acidity levels if you're on a high protein diet.
High protein, low carb diets often result in the production of ketone bodies, too much of which can cause your body to go into ketoacidosis, as I've explained in an earlier post. Drinking water helps to regulate this pH imbalance.

There are more reasons, but they are too boring to type up - google it ;)

So, there you have it. Drink up, ladies and gentlemen. How much? Divide your body weight (in kilograms) by 55.5555 (recurring) to get an approximation in liters. On average, 2 to 3 liters per day, plus an extra 250 ml (8-oz) glass per 12.5 kg (25 lb) that you are overweight. Add more if you exercise or drink diuretics like coke, coffee, tea, etc. And if you live in a hot climate.

So, I guess that means I should be drinking about 4 liters a day - wow. Well, nearly there - up to 3 liters a day consistently. And hell, its just as easy drinking eight 500-ml bottles of water as it is drinking eight 250-ml glasses...

Diet: Pass the curry

2006-01-09T14:54:00.000+02:00

Apparently, one of the reasons people over-eat is having too many flavours in the meal. This apparently triggers the hypothalamus (part of the brain) to "ask for more food". This comes from research at Yale University (yeah yeah, I know, name dropping is unbecoming, and doesn't guarantee the quality of the research).

The hypothalamus, according to Dr David Katz, is hard-wired to respond to flavours, and this is the reason you can continually stuff yourself at Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc - "sensory specific satiety" (say that three times fast!).

A better plan for a harmonious blend of flavors is thematic eating, he says, like Indian or Italian food (I dunno about that - I've seen a lot of fat Italian and Indian mommas)

Check out this article for more information...

Damn, but I can't have rice. Or lentils. Or carrots, beans, more than 50g chickpeas. Or pizza. Damn TLC diet. On the plus side, poof, 3 cm gone from my waist...

I am such a useless blob!

2006-01-08T17:35:00.000+02:00

Sometimes I have to wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life. I mean, besides the fact that I'm the Princess of Procrastination, Duchess of Displacement Activity, Woman of Work Avoidance, what use is my chosen profession? Why couldn't I have done something immediately useful to my family. Like become a doctor, or a lawyer, or a vet...

Biochemist? Sure, I may be helping millions of people dying of cancer, but what satisfaction do I get out of that?

Filed as: Arb personal stories »

South African business (non)sense

2006-01-07T07:00:00.000+02:00

Update: Other rants and raves I have recently come across:
Eduj and his banking woes (switch to FNB, I tell ya, its a good idea - oh, you've already done that.)
Psychomuffin's work blues.
CJ's ridiculousness with Nashua Mobile, Dell and Standard Bank, and the mobile communications industry in South Africa, in general.

You know, it never ceases to amaze me how little business sense many South African companies appear to have.

This will be an ongoing post, which I will frequently (unfortunately) add to and update (so be aware of this, if you decide to link to this post).

EXAMPLE:
Businesses that don't return calls. I hired a domestic worker from a maid agency in the Berea, called QuikMaid. They were reasonably priced, friendly and supplied me with a domestic for a once-off day job. I was so impressed with the service, I called back and arranged for a fortnightly service. The maid came the second time, but then... nothing. The next fortnight, she was due, and when she hadn't pitched up by 9 (an hour late), I phoned to ask what was potting. I got an answering machine. I left a polite message explaining that my maid hadn't turned up, and got no reply. I phoned the next day - same thing, answering machine. I left a decidely cooler but no less polite message, and again, got no reply.

Now, all I wanted was an explanation. Mistakes happen. Maybe I wasn't down in their diary or something. I just wanted the courtesy of a returned call. An apology would have been lovely, but really, all I truly wanted, was an explanation. Weeks later, and I haven't heard a peep from them.

Now, if I were running a business that was so successful that I could afford to throw customers away like that, and risk the bad advertising that spreads so quickly by word-of-mouth (because, lets face it, the memory of bad service far outlives the memory of good service)... well, the smart thing to do would be to hire more staff! Expand! Grow!

Sheesh. Well, for the record, I do not recommend QuikMaid, of the Berea, Durban. Neither do I recommend Maids Inc., of Pinetown - they do not return calls either.

EXAMPLE:
Businesses that lie, or even just, bend the truth a little (or worse, try to fool you with jargon and legalese-y sounding stuff). My car (actually technically my gran's) is insured with Outsurance. She was told that, as a pensioner, she would pay no excess. However, when we tried to claim for my car (see the Hijacking story), she was told that, yes, she doesn't pay the R2000 excess that others pay, but they would reduce her claim by R1000. Now, is it just me, or is that essentially an excess? I think they are just mincing words to disguise what is, in reality, an "excess". This is ridiculous. They have, in my opinion, mis-represented themselves to my gran, and I have been seriously urging her to take this before the short-term insurance ombudsman, but my family avoid conflict like the plague (another South African failing).

EXAMPLE:
My mom has a copper electrode fitted to her pool, which allows us to use less chlorine to keep out pool clean. We rent the unit from a company called Electronaut, and included in the rental fee is replacement electrodes whenever necessary. Without fail, every_single_time we have called for a replacement, we have had to endure false promises ("Yes, we'll drop it off today") and wait nearly two weeks for the replacement to finally be dropped off into our mail box. This has been going on now for more than two years!

Again, I have to marvel at the wonder of the South African economy that can support service-oreinted businesses to the extent that customer service is actually their last priority.

EXAMPLE:
Businesses that can't teach a receptionist how to answer a phone correctly. "Hello?" is not an appropriate telephone greeting.

Disclaimer: Everything expressed in this post is merely a personal opinion on the conduct of various businesses.

Tagline of the day

2006-01-06T10:07:00.000+02:00

Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

Diet: Whoops, too much kelp

2006-01-05T14:14:00.000+02:00

I have been taking a lot of supplements recently - and I do mean, a lot! I positively rattle two or three times a day.

Let's see, I'm taking...

Herbalife Fiber and Herb

Herbalife Vitamin, Mineral and Herb

Herbalife Tang Kuei

EAS ThermoDynamX

Vital Apple Cider Vinegar diet

earlier posts

I just won R1000!

2006-01-04T09:34:00.000+02:00

I just won R1000! Woohoo, what a great start to the new year!

If you'd like to enter the competition (you have to sign up for weekly or daily helath tips in your inbox - no spam, at least, I haven't received any spam over the last 6 months), leave a comment with your email address (I have a spam-bot blocker, so bots shouldn't be able to trawl for your address), or type the email out in full (eg blah at somewhere dot com), or email me (click on my profile for my email address).

And, today seems to be my lucky day - I entered a Yogi Sip competition, and won a R35 CellC airtime voucher. Yee ha!

I think I am going to buy some lotto tickets today.

Filed as: Arb personal stories »

New Years Resolutions - woohoo

2006-01-03T11:40:00.000+02:00

So many resolutions this year. As with my weight loss efforts, I've figured that making my resolutions public knowledge will help me garner support from my friends, while providing incentive not to look like a complete tosser if I don't go through with it, so here is the list (items struck through are complete) (partially stolen from Psychomuffin, since she is uber-organised, and can think of all these nifty things):

My resolutions are (categorized and all)...

HEALTH:

~~Give up daily refined sugar~~

~~Give up bread from daily diet~~

~~Take a daily multivitamin~~

~~(download Body-for-Life guides)~~

SOCIAL/PERSONAL:

~~daily~~

~~September 2006~~

SPIRITUAL:

Art of Living

TECHNICAL:

EDUCATION:

FINANCIAL:

MISCELLANEOUS/GENERAL:

~~Inventorize credit cards, etc, with toll-free numbers to cancel cards in case of theft.~~

Meh... hide this again

Filed as: Arb personal stories »

Diet: Milestone reached

2006-01-02T08:48:00.000+02:00

Today, for the first time ever, I actually stopped eating when I was full. There were really only two or three bites left of my food, but, rather than simply finishing my plate, as I would normally, I stopped. I feel so proud of myself! A real milestone reached, in my opinion.

Quiz result: What cute animal are you?

2006-01-01T19:13:00.000+02:00

I've tried to avoid putting quiz results on my blog for a long while now, but this one was too cute to resist...

You Are A: Lamb!

Peaceful and gentle, lambs have been used in religious imagery for millennia. Lambs are baby sheep, an animal tended by shephards since the dawn of history. As a lamb, you tend to stay together in a flock and graze on grassy land. Lambs don't mind being led and tend not to go off on their own.

You were almost a: Duckling or a Pony
You are least like a: Mouse or a Turtle What Cute Animal Are You?

Fibromyalgia: Piroxicam really does seem to work

2005-12-30T22:50:00.000+02:00

So, just a quick note about fibromyalgia: my diet seems to be helping with my general health and vitality - strange how one doesn't notice the general feeling of malaise until one starts feeling better - I'm really suffering now, after Christmas in fact...

Also: I had thought that the daily anti-inflammatories weren't helping at all (I'm taking piroxicam, a capsule - not the dispersibles [those iritate my stomach way too much]), but I couldn't fill my script over Christmas (silly mistake on my part, not worth blogging about), and I am really noticing the difference now - vague muscle pain all the time.

On other hand, I'm still not quite ready to come off the anti-depressants. I forgot to take them once or twice during the holidays, and J said he really noticed a difference in my behaviour. I was really blah, quiet, withdrawn, monosyllabic. I didn't notice it myself (one tends to think of oneself as completely normal all the time), but apparently, all was not right in my little world.

So, I will continue taking cytalohexal and piroxicam, and hope that R20 physiotherapy will do me the world of good in Cape Town.

Filed as: Fibromyalgia »

Does this make me look fat? The only right way to answer.

2005-12-27T11:49:00.000+02:00

The dreaded question.

The one all men cringe to hear from their partner's lips. "Does this make me look fat?"

Well, here is the answer, straight from the horse's mouth, so to speak.

"God, you're sexy."

That's it. A longer explanation: what is a woman really saying when she asks this question? She is saying "I feel ugly and insecure right now, and i want you to reassure me." Which is why an answer of "No, of course not" or any other variation thereof doesn't quite suffice. You men need to answer what she is really asking, without making it seem obvious that you are only saying what you think you are supposed to say. So the trick is to make it sound as natural and unrehearsed as possible, and basically reassure her that you find her as attractive (if not more so) as the day you met and she still makes you horny. She may grumble and moan, but trust me if you've done it convincingly you've scored big points for yourself and she will be grinning like a Cheshire act deep down.

Filed as: My Relationship »

What exactly is space anyway?

2005-12-21T20:09:00.000+02:00

J says he wants "space". In relationships, this is normally a Bad Thing. In a relationship where a couple is dating and not actually living together, this spells the beginning of The End. When the couple is living together, well, I'm not sure what it means.

Of course, we have been in each other's pockets 24/7 for some time now - the hazards of both being students, working from home I suppose, and its putting a lot of pressure on our relationship.

So sure, I have given him space. For the last four weeks. The thing is, J and I have different definitions of space. For him, apparently, it means physical space. For me, it means emotional distance. So, I have gone off to Varsity every day before he wakes up (not spending the days together seems to help a little - but not much, since he sleeps most of the day away and doesn't actually notice that I'm not there, so going to Varsity is useless), at night I've sat in the lounge and watched TV with my folks when he's been in the study, I've gone to bed hours before he does. I haven't spoken to him very much at all, I've pretty much tried my utmost to ignore him as much as possible.

Its been quite trying, actually. I'm very sociable, by nature. Sure, I'm shy and introverted, but when I love someone, I need a lot of closeness - meaningful conversations, snuggling in bed, touching, basic affection.

And this "space" thing has been hard, because it goes against everything I need and want - it means, for me, a complete lack of displays of affection. I can do this for a day or two, no problem. But for weeks on end? Its really starting to take its toll on me. I feel lonely, unappreciated, unloved and mostly, just very, very sad.

Unfortunately, J doesn't feel the same way - he says the amount of space I'm giving him is probably just shy of too little.

Too little? How on earth am I going to give him more space? We hardly talk now as it is! We haven't had sex in over four weeks! What more space is there? I mean, what am I really to J? A "fuck-buddy" (a friend with whom you have occasional sex)? Just a friend (cause the sex is now very very occasional)? Not even that, I think - he is more lively and attentive to his friends than he is to me. I feel completely taken for granted at the moment, like a big fat nothing in his life.

I hope this doesn't last too much longer, because sadness will eventually turn into resentment, and from there, we'll have big problems.

Filed as: My Relationship »

Diet: I'm only posting this because its good news

2005-12-20T01:21:00.000+02:00

As I promised - a very quick update on the weight loss...

Ok, so this graph doesn't look as good as the one I hand drew, on graph paper on my wall, BUT, the scale is larger, so there. The important bit to note is the drastic drop in the last measurement.

I feel like I'm melting before my very eyes. I can't see it anywhere on me yet, but the scale says I've dropped to 95 kg - down from a high of 100 kg. Yippee.