The Carly Chronicles

Motoring on

2020-04-21T22:59:00.002-04:00

Well, my oldest son moved out last week and he is thrilled to have his own space. I am excited for him and I am proud he has finally achieved this milestone in life.

I am doing okay myself. Not great, I have noticed I suffer from a crushing loneliness at times. Not because my son moved out, I still have two more kids here, but because it's hard to be alone. Yes I have a boyfriend that I see on the weekends. He's wonderful and keeps me grounded but the week can be hard to get through.

I have a ton of things I could be doing around here to reorganize and redo my home but I am having trouble finding the motivation when I am alone. When my boyfriend is here it;s hard to get anything serious done, like cleaning, because I want to spend time with him. I need to find some sort of balance in my life. I feel like all I do is eat, sleep, and work. I need a vacation.

Sweet Spring

2020-03-29T18:54:00.001-04:00

It is a fantastically stunning day today in my corner of Ohio. Too bad the state lock down because of the virus is in effect so it's hard to truly enjoy it.

My house is a Defcon 4 disaster so not too bad but not where I want it. My oldest son is moving out so things are in an even bigger disarray.

I ended up getting a 2 week, unpaid vacation because I got sick. Due to the nature of my job, the doctor refused to let me go to work. Did I get anything done here? Not really. I am too stressed about missing a whole paycheck.

Life is good though overall. My boyfriend is a wonderful human being that somehow manages to put up with my shit and makes me feel cared for despite myself. The little ones are doing great and my oldest girl is getting married this year. My second oldest just moved into a better and cheaper apartment and she loves her job. Things could only be better if my house was back the way I want it.

Chaos of mind brought chaos of living space and while it's okay.....it's not the way it used to be so I need to slowly purge and fix it. I did my 13 year old's room and he will be getting a new bed, upgrade to a double. He's ready to ditch the twin.

My boyfriend has plans for my year so it'll look pretty and cared for again. I gave him leave to do whatever he wants. I don't care what gets pulled out except the tree and the lilacs. The rest can go. Yes, even the roses.

I still have hard and dark days but they are fewer and far between. I am getting through the pain, self loathing, and anger I have felt for over 3 years. The way I was showed to look at myself, I am learning isn't correct. I am worthy, I am amazing, I am strong, and sure, I need a tune up but I am still desirable in my way.

Life is weird

2020-02-09T12:09:00.001-05:00

My life is weird would probably be more specific. If you have told me a year ago that my husband was going to leave me for a girl the same age as our daughters I would have told you that you were crazy....yet here I am. I could not have imagined my life being as weird as it is right now. I am getting over my loss. The wound is still there, festering and bleeding but deep wounds take a long time to heal. In fact, they heal better, without scars, if they are irritated now and again rather than getting covered with a scab and letting an infection fester beneath.

My older son found a place he wants to move into so I hope he gets it. My life can move forward once I know he's safe and settled. The things we do for our progeny...the sacrifices we make. They tend to go unrecognized until the day we die then memories and hindsight come flooding back for those we left behind.

My oldest daughter is getting married. This will be a strange event for me. I don't feel old enough to have a married kid and both her father and my ex-husband will be there. Sooooooooooooo awkward!

I am getting back into embroidery but gaming has gone by the wayside a bit. Nothing out there has grabbed me, so to speak. My meds are okay though not perfect. Got to love the fact that psychiatric medications are still considered experimental. I dream less,I think. Which is a good thing.

I have a wonderful man by my side. He is supportive and does not comment on things like my body. He cares for me just as I am and any way I might be. It is refreshing. I can say whatever I am thinking and I no longer fear being judged or misunderstood. He will ask questions if he needs an explanation rather than jumping to the worst possible conclusion right off the bat. I no longer fear expressing my thoughts and feelings.

I am doing well and taking life by the horns, as it were. I need to be me.

The Best Word

2019-11-09T15:02:00.001-05:00

Today I fell in love with a simple word....we. If someone would have told me that 'we' was the best word in the English language, up until today I would have disagreed. However, this little word made my heart light up with joy today. We. This minuscule word carries unexpected weight in a relationship. We. It has so many meanings and implications.

We are a team. We have a life together. I see you as a part of me. I can't imagine doing anything without you. I want to support you. We. We is a word of love.

Today I fell in love with 'we'.

Therapy, Weddings, and Other Things

2019-11-04T16:31:00.001-05:00

Today I had another therapy appointment and it is helping me to come to grips with my husband leaving me, me feeling worthless and useless, and finding some peace learning that I am still important even if he didn't think so. I like my therapist a lot and I recommend therapy to anyone that needs help finding their balance so to speak. She also emphasized that I set my boundaries and for me to not be afraid to say I can't handle something. I don't have to be nice and take the hits to keep the peace and I am allowed to say leave me alone.

Today we touched on dating after a marriage ends. I told her about Dave and shockingly she thought it was a fantastic idea and situation. I thought for sure I'd get the usual lecture about healing, taking time to be alone, etc. However, she said if I was ready to get back on the horse than I should go riding. Of course I laughed like a 12 year old at that statement.

The Dave situation seems to be going well. It's all still a little confusing and I am still coming to grips with my feelings of remorse, self-loathing, and regret. He seems to really want to be in it for the long haul so with his support it'll get better. The little ones adore him and he adores them too. SO all in all, it's a good thing.

My oldest daughter is getting married next September. I am not sure what's going to happen. DO I get a plus one and bring Dave? Is the ex going to bring his little girl girlfriend? I am going to have to see both my exes at this wedding and I really want someone there on my side, so I hope Dave comes.

My oldest son is getting ready to move out. I am thrilled he is well enough. Unfortunately, I am not moving to Colorado now so it's a little anti-climatic for me but I couldn't be happier for him. I hope it all works out and he doesn't need to come home. I want him well enough to be independent.

Real Bodies

2019-11-01T12:13:00.000-04:00

I was in a Discord chatroom and the discussion of what we wear at home in front of our children came up. People were actually surprised that I will walk around my house in my undies, t-shirt, and no bra. I have 2 sons, 21 and 13, and a 9 year old daughter still living at home.

You know what? I have no regrets dressing this way in front of them. Want to know why? They all know what most women really look like. The cellulite, the rolls, the flab, the muscles, the sag, the imperfections that 90% of women have. Rather than only seeing the airbrushed photos of models with seemingly perfect figures, they get to see what the woman they love and respect looks like. Hopefully this will translate into them loving their own flaws and the flaws of the people they fall in love with. It's the person that matters, not the shell they walk around in. I am showing them confidence as well. If i can defiantly walk around in booty short undies and have no fucks to give, maybe they will be confident in themselves as well.

Love thyself.

A week later....

2019-10-31T00:45:00.000-04:00

It's been a week since my last post and my "coming out" as a psych patient....and it's been odd.

I am finding that I feel far more awkward around people now. I somehow feel like I am being watched and judged on every word or every movement. Yes I went to psych to get some much needed help but it doesn't mean I am a psycho. I am also far more wary that I was before. I am so afraid to make any misstep or say something that could be taken incorrectly that I am not speaking my mind as I would normally do. I am not behaving with the natural fluidity that I used to have. I am more nervous and apprehensive. I feel like a pariah, as if I am now publicly damaged goods in some way.

My self-esteem has taken a hit as well. Not that it hadn't taken a hit already by my husband's leaving me for a younger, thinner, fitter girl that turns out to have the same hobbies as I do. It's like I was traded for a newer model. At any rate, that's neither here not there. It's over forever. I will never accept him back and I am ready to move forward but now I feel defective and unworthy of anyone because I am "broken."

Broken of heart, mind, body, and spirit. How do I ask or expect someone to support me? Like they didn't sign up for my brand of crazy so how can I sit and ask them for caring and support? I need a quiet talk, a fire, and a small glass of scotch. It's my thinking routine.

My name is Carly and I have a mental illness

2019-10-24T08:27:00.001-04:00

It has been a while but I have been busy having what would amount to a nervous breakdown.

So let's play catch up. Over the last 2 years, my depression has been spiraling downwards. It started with my husband not communicating or talking to me beyond how the weather was and the issues I was having with my older son's mental illness. Then my husband and I decide we were both lonely and to try opening our marriage but with rules and veto power. When I vetoed his choice, he left me.

So add into everything above the fact my husband left me for a woman the same age as my oldest daughter and you have a perfect storm of hell. Before all of this I decided to date my best friend around March of this year but when I started waffling about my decision, my husband stated if I didn't date Dave then he'd leave me (this was April). I love and care for Dave but was worried about ruining a friendship. I decided to go ahead and continue seeing Dave. My older girls were hurt and angry by MY decision and there was a point neither of them would speak to me. I stood by my decision and desire to be with Dave. In fact, I even called my husband on his bluff and asked what the plans would be for the kids, house, etc if I broke it off with Dave and let Hubby leave me.

Hubby ended up leaving me anyway about 3-4 months ago (July) and cited me wanting to be with Dave as one of the many reasons he was leaving me. His leaving was punctuated with statements about me not being worth the effort, not thinking it was worth trying, untrue statements about what I did and did't like with why she was more perfect for him...then ending with leaving me being the best decision he ever made.

Now we are talking a 26 year marriage with 5 children. He was, what I thought, was the love of my life. I was hurt, confused, and angry. I started getting into bad habits and spiraled further downward. It all eventually culminated in me having to talk myself out of driving off, or getting out of my car and jumping, off a bridge into the Ohio River. I ended up having to pull my car over so I could panic, scream, and cry.

Within 48 hours of that my herniated disc flared up again and I checked myself into the hospital for a psych stay and evaluation. Best decision I have ever made. It allowed me a few days to not think about much and to get myself together. They also gave me a refresher course on coping skills and management of thoughts. I had been off medication for over 18 years but about 4-5 months ago I went to the doctor to get meds. To add to this perfect storm? The med I was put on should have ad a mood stabilizer prescribed with it and it hadn't been. Literally my medication made me more crazy.

Unfortunately, my relationship with my BFF, and boyfriend, has suffered and I am not sure how that is going to end up. I was horrible to him and out of my mind with anger. I was out of control and not myself. Hopefully he can forgive and trust me again someday. I'd hate to lose my best friend. I can handle losing him as a lover but not as a friend. He's too important to me.

I also learned there are bigger stigmas around alternate lifestyles as well as mental health issues than people think. When I had talked to my boss about needing time off to go to psych because I wasn't coping with the ending of my marriage well her reply was, "Oh well I don't want to pry but I heard you had an open marriage" as if my not coping was unreasonable because I had allowed my husband to date someone. Here's the key point, date....not leave the marriage entirely, not treat me like I didn't matter for 2 years, and not to kick me on his way out the door. He successfully tore down what little self worth I had on his way out and I am trying to build myself up.

Yes I went to a psych unit. I had never been in one before and as boring as it got, I would recommend it to anyone that needs it. It was the best mini vacation I have ever had, thought with the worst dress code ever. It was also a relief to know I wasn't the only person that felt like I did. I felt less alone and less insane. There is no shame in asking for help when you need and definitely none in needing extreme help.

I am doing better. I take it day by day. I have a ton of support but not from the people I would have expected to have it from. It was nice to know that people did care about me when the ones that should have didn't. I got more support from strangers on the internet that have followed me on various social media sites than I got from friends I actually know. Friends I had lost touch with came out of the woodwork to love and support me. It was a blessing.
My name is Carly. I have a mental illness, depression with suicidal ideation, I take meds, I've been hospitalized, I've beaten, broken, wounded, and hurt but I will get through this. I will survive this and I will be all the better for it. Please, if you're suffering...get help. Tell me. I'll help you find help. The world needs you even if you think it doesn't. It would be a darker place without you in it.

Growing Up is Hard

2019-02-06T21:37:00.002-05:00

This week or so has been very tough for me. I have come to realizations about myself that I hadn't considered before. I am still bi so don't get excited. I generally felt like I was defective or that something was wrong with me. Now that I have been on my own for a couple years, I have had a ton of time to myself to think things over. It was brought to my attention in the past but I ignored it as error on the part of the observer. Yes I know this sounds pretty cryptic but I am not ready to openly talk about it yet, as it were.

Needless to say, facing these changes and self introspection has lit my anxiety up like a damned Christmas tree. I am also abnormally nervous and under a ton of stress. Basically, I feel like I am going to crawl out of my skin or maybe scream. It's a horrible feeling. I am hoping there's a light at the end of the tunnel, I am literally pinning my future on it. If the changes being made fail, life as I know will irreparably change and it will be filled with pain and heartache. If it works out, there will be a happiness I have been missing and that will be wonderful for my husband and kids as well.

I just wish I wasn't blindly slogging through things....

Distance Can Be a Good Thing

2019-02-02T17:41:00.001-05:00

So as many of you know, my husband works and lives in Denver while I work and live in NE Ohio with out kids. It isn't an ideal situation but it is what we must do at the moment, so we have adapted. It's been a little over 2 years since he went to Denver. We had not planned on being apart this long and yes, it has created strain and tension in the marriage at times. Namely, he has more freedom than I do since I have the kids and the house to deal with. He just goes to work and then has weekends to do whatever he wants whenever he wants. If I want to do something there has to be arrangements, babysitters, time off (I work every other weekend)....you get the idea. Normally, I just skip it all and stay home. That means for the past 2 years I have pretty much isolated myself from life in general because it is just too damn hard to arrange things most of the time.

Well, I have begun to grow tired of always spending my days off cleaning the house and sitting around so I made a decision to get back into the world. I swear I have been hibernating since he left. I am slowly getting back into living but this time, I am trying to live more for myself and less for everyone else. I have trips planned and events to go to. It is time for me to be a little selfish, frankly it is long overdue.

I decided to explain this to my husband; explain that I wasn't going to spend all my time alone sitting in the house waiting to clean something or for him to call. I wanted to have a life. He took it pretty well and was very supportive of the idea. He thought it was wonderful that I wanted to get out and do things. We talked for hours about things that had been on our minds and you know what, I had never felt closer to him than I did then. Honestly, we hadn't talked like that since we first got married.

Distance is truly tough but sometimes it can be a boon in disguise.

Conversations with Friends

2019-01-30T10:22:00.001-05:00

**I should preface this post with a little information: I have never felt that monogamy works for everyone. Statistics on divorce supports this. I adore conversations that make me think about alternative narratives of life. I have always been a odd duck so to speak and have very unique opinions on life and relationships. I also have never viewed any loving relationship as bad. I do not believe there is only one person, one soulmate, out there for everyone. Most of the world would be single because the chance of meeting that one person would be astronomical. I truly do believe it is possible to love more than one person and there is nothing wrong with it. What has been wrong is how society and religion has pigeonholed everyone into the single idea that the only right relationship is a lifetime marriage of one man and one woman. Humans are far more interesting than that and our capacity to love is far more infinite**

always wonderful to have a good friend. That person that knows just how to entertain you or what you need. Last night my friend called me and we had the most fascinating conversation. Now this might not seem all that great to some people but I have a love of all things anthropological, which might seem odd since I generally find people awful but there is a difference between understanding how people work and having to deal with people. I prefer the former.

Now I am not very good at being an "off-the-cuff" speaker most of the time. I like to choose my words and thoughts very carefully. I am very precise about expressing myself as a general rule, so philosophical ramblings, "what if" tangents, and talking about deeper myself are not easy conversations for me. I like to chew on things for a long time, review, and edited to make sure I am expressing my thoughts and opinions in the clearest way possible. It's why I prefer writing things down.

I was presented with a "what if" idea to mull over after a conversation regarding people and the variety of alternative relationships/lifestyles that are out there. Now I am, admittedly, in a very unique relationship right now with my husband living in a different state, so this was all very interesting to me. I have close friends and acquaintances in "alternative" relationships like polyamory or friends that have differing sexual orientations like gay, pansexual, etc.

Well, we stuck to the idea of polyamory for most of the conversation and I was presented with the "what if" - What if you or your husband met someone you cared about and wanted to keep with you openly, what would be done and how do you think you'd each react? Now this was presented in part because of the way we have been living our lives completely apart except for small visits, phone calls, and gaming online. So I suppose the possibility of one of us meeting someone new isn't entirely out of the realm of possibility, if looked at logically.

In fact, I have an acquaintance that just went through something similar in recent years. Granted, they weren't living apart but he found someone else he cared for just as much as his wife and now they live a polyamory lifestyle. Now I find this very interesting because there are kids involved and there are four people involved, he and the new love were both married. I wish I knew them better because I have so many questions; how do you explain it to children, how did you present it to your spouses, how did they take it originally, how do you seemingly make it work so well? So many questions. My curiosity gets the better of me sometimes.

Anyway, this whole thing got me to thinking...what would happen? My husband and I are very different people in many ways including mindsets. While we are also very similar. We are both easygoing, caring, open-minded people but he is far more traditional in many ways than I am. I would like to thank my friend for keeping me up until 4-4:30am thinking about this. Never give me an interesting "what if" to ponder late at night. My brain can't let it go. LOL

Personally, after some serious thought, I'd welcome the addition if there was true caring involved. I'd be excited that my husband met someone he cared for as much as he cared for me. I would embrace the idea. However, this is where I think we'd differ. He's very traditional when it comes to his own relationships so I think he'd be offended, angry, and threatened. I can just visualize the anger now. It's weird how different people in a string relationship can be. Now I could be wrong and he would surprise me by being into the idea but I doubt it. I've been married to this man for 25 years and he's only surprised me twice, both recently but still it's only twice. I can read him like a book.

tl;dr Last night I was presented with the idea of my marriage being less than traditional in various settings and it kept me awake because I am a geek about human behavior.

Still Lost In Thought

2019-01-29T20:59:00.002-05:00

Tonight I am sitting here and thinking about what I contribute to the lives of the people around me. Am I making a good impact or am I not? What are they gaining by allowing me to be a part of their lives? It might seem strange to some that I actively do this but I find it helpful. It keeps me honest with myself and helps me to try to be the best person I can be. I am not perfect so I am sure there are times I am less than wonderful but, I do try.

I am finding that after being on my own for over 2 years, I have grown less patient. I tire quickly of things that annoy me and so many things annoy me now; more than than before. I am also becoming far too independent and far too cold. I have come to the end of the fucks I have to give. My bag of fucks is nearly empty so I choose what I give a fuck about more carefully. It is hard to have a warm, soft heart and gentle soul when the weight of the world (family) rests on your shoulders alone. Heavy loads weigh a person down, ages them, makes them more selfish, emotionless, and often times it makes a person break. I haven't broken yet but I am definitely fraying around the edges a bit. Hopefully it'll make me look well loved like an old blanket and not torn up like a rag.

There's another issue, love. I don't think people realize what a luxury love is. It takes a ton of energy to love, it takes a lot of time to love, and it certainly takes a lot of attention. None of these things are things I have time for anymore. I find that I am getting rather hardhearted in a way. I don't want to be like that so I am trying to be more aware of it. I am paying attention to it and trying to nurture that kinder side of me. It ain't easy though. Thus I question myself and motives almost daily. I have to.

Things with my son are up and down. Good and bad times come in waves. Not small waves but tsunami like waves, waves that overtake everything. The good days are great and I cherish each one. The bad days are full of stress, anxiety, sleepless nights, and heartache, I see a light at the end of the tunnel but the tunnel is so damn long. I just want him to have a life that is some sort of normal for him. One that allows him to be his kind of happy and independent. I know that's what he wants too. He feels guilty that I am still in Ohio because "it's all his fault" but in reality, it isn't. Sure he's the reason I am not in a rush because what mother would be able to walk away from her child that is in need, but there are other things keeping me here as well. It's hard to move away from three of your kids, separate siblings, and leave a place that has been home for so many years. Plus I might not have a big circle of friends but the ones I do have, I cherish and love. It's all rather heartbreaking, if I am honest.

I tend to leave a lot of things unsaid or hold things inside because I fear burdening others with everything I am thinking or feeling. Sometimes I do it to protect others as well as myself. Then there are just somethings that are better of unsaid because expressing them can cause someone pain.

Enough rambling, I need to get a game controller in my hand or start doing needlework again to ease my brain. I spend too much time alone so I think too much.

Finally Got A Laptop

2019-01-28T17:12:00.001-05:00

My laptop died a little over a year ago and thanks to a wonderful friend, I have a lovely serviceable laptop again. Anyhoo, on to other things.

I am now on back issue #3 so that has given me some time to think and question myself. Possibly too much time but it is what it is. It has also been a little over 2 years since my husband moved to Colorado to work. Trying to balance our separate lives and our lives together, namely our marriage, has been quite the example of dexterity. Somehow we are making it work. Probably because we know we have separate lives and neither of us tries to insert ourselves in the other's life through jealousy, anger, or resentment. The feelings might be there but we keep it to ourselves, I guess.

I recently made the statement that people come into our lives for a reason and a friend of mine stated he did not like that idea because it gives the impression that we do not control our lives; that everything is already predetermined. He is right, I guess it does though I did not mean it that way. I had a lovely weekend with this friend. We spent it in Cleveland and I have not enjoyed myself like that, total relaxation, in a very long time. Back to reality today though. I had to have an EMG and I started yet another round of physical therapy so my brain had a lot of time to wander. Neither event kept my brain busy enough to keep it from looking inward.

When I say that people come into our lives for a reason, I really mean that we surround ourselves with certain people for a reason. We are the ones that choose, either consciously or unconsciously, those that we want around us. Maybe the role they fill is pretty obvious or basic; like you have this one for comfort when you need it or this one for intimacy or maybe this one to just get wild with when you need to blow off steam. Sometimes the reasons are far more subtle and intangible. Take a look at the people you choose to spend time with or talk to; why did you pick them in particular? This is a question I have been asking myself all day.

Of course the bigger question is why am I asking myself this? Mostly because I want to be sure I have people around me for the right reasons, not out of fear for myself but out of worry for them. Being on my own with the kids has been hard and maybe it's because of the life I have had but I worry that I could be perceived as using or taking from them. I never want to be a drain on anyone I care about but I also do not want to be the source of their pain.

My life has become increasingly complicated and isolating, and I do not want that to spill over to others. No one deserves that kind of hurt and I am the only person that should be cleaning up my messes. I just need to get my head back in the game so to speak.

Speed Bumps and Other Things....

2017-09-13T19:59:00.001-04:00

School has started up again for the little ones. This means my evenings are full of homework, showers, and dinner. I have begun to work out again thanks to my best friend Shawn. We both need the motivation and while I am having to modify things because of my back issue, I am still coming out sore so I am definitely getting a workout.

My insurance comp-any has agreed to give me a new roof so now I am waiting for the check to arrive. Then I can meet with the roofer, pick a color, and see when they are coming out. It'll be a few days of noise but at least I won't have to worry. My van is acting up though and I am afraid to drive it at this point. Hopefully i can get it to the shop tomorrow.

My biggest worries now are making ends meet and Christmas. I keep putting in applications for jobs where I KNOW they are looking but I can't get a callback to save my life. I don't care what anyone says about having employment gaps being okay when you have a good reason like raising kids....it's bullshit. They look at the gaps and throw your shit in the trashcan. They don't care why they just know you haven't been working lately.

The stress has had an effect on me. I am not eating more than 1 meal a day, I am not sleeping well at night, and I always feel like if someone spoke the right word I'd probably collapse and cry. The weight of responsibility feels a bit overwhelming. I am solely responsible for EVERYTHING here. Every.Single.Thing. Even the future financial stability is up to me and I am failing at it.

This morning when I woke up I realized exactly how keenly I've felt the loneliness of waking up alone. Sorry but waking up with a child that has snuck into your bed isn't the same thing. It isn't even so much the being alone when I sleep and wake but more like it's the stark reminder of how alone I am out here, how much I am responsible for, and exactly how unable I am to unburden myself or let go.

Just keep pushing the feelings down and eventually you stop feeling things....right?

Partings

2017-08-13T14:30:00.003-04:00

My husband left at dawn this morning to return to Colorado. So far we have been living apart 8 months now and in that time I have seen him twice. It is really is very taxing to have two separate households, especially when the separation isn't due to martial problems just the way life is dealing you blows.

The whole thing is bittersweet. We have spent maybe 10 whole days together since December 6, 2016. Each time we see each other every minute is spent trying to reconnect, learn each others new habits, and try to find something familiar in the other person so we can continue our fight to move to the same home.

Yet every time we have to say goodbye it feels as though I am cutting off a piece of myself. The more I have to chop off the closer I get to coming to the point where the pieces start to become critical, to killing my inner me. Think about it, if I was to literally have to remove flesh and blood pieces of me eventually I would die. It has the same basic feeling of desperation and hopelessness; as if you want to fight but you know that it will just leave you smaller. Partings chip away at your very essence, your very soul, when you have to part so frequently from your love. I guess I feel like I am getting to the point where there will be nothing left of me that he will know. Every time we see each other it's more awkward and strange. I guess I should worry more if saying goodbye becomes too easy.

Yes, military spouses do this all the time. I am not a milspouse nor do I have milspouse support group to assist me. I am grateful for the friends I do have here that do their best to keep me sane. I wouldn't have made it this far without them.

Now we are facing tough financial issues. I am trying to find a job but at the same time having to rely on my mentally ill older son to help with his younger siblings so I can work is causing me to panic. However, the thought of not having food, electricity or even Christmas presents is also making me panic. We can no longer fund two separate living spaces on one income. I have been out of the workforce a long time and I know it will be hard to find someone willing to hire me. I wish I could work from home but I don't have a functioning computer and I don't have a college degree so companies that do allow that are out of my reach.

I am tired of hearing things like "You're a strong woman. This is easy for you." NO.IT.IS.NOT! And frankly, I am not nearly as strong as you think I am. I am just really good at putting up a front.

Existential Crisis

2017-07-30T15:43:00.002-04:00

I spent the weekend without the little ones. They went to my middle daughter's house for the weekend so I could get a break. The plans I had were postponed so I spent some time just hanging around.

I got asked a question this weekend that I wasn't sure how to answer at first. Now that I have had time to think about it, I realize there really isn't a simple answer.

The question itself was simple enough."Who are you?" Now this was someone I didn't know well so logically I answered with my name. They clarified that they meant they wanted to know who I was as a person. I replied with a shoulder shrug and said I was just me.

Now that I have had a chance to ponder it.....

I am more hero than villain. I wear a white hat with a black band, my heart on my sleeve but encased in armor. I am the one you adore and the one you abhor. I am generous and selfish. I am the one you fear and I am the one you helplessly need to protect. I have endless strength and I am weak. I am the most beautiful woman you've ever seen and I am homely. I am a goddess and a demon. I am a queen and a peasant. I am kind and cruel. I am forgiving and a holder of grudges...I keep them close to my heart. I am the first one you'd call for a hand but the last one you'd want to call if you did something stupid. You'd probably call me anyway because I wouldn't let you down. I am reliable. I am loyal. I am sweet tempered but fear my wrath. I am self aware and completely clueless about myself. I am small of stature but large in wisdom. I make stupid choices. I am the person you hate to love but can't help it and I am the one you love to hate. I am everything to some and nothing to others. I am larger than life but will sit in a room unnoticed. I am serious and I am silly. I am helpless and self reliant. I am self confident and completely awkward. I am war and I am peace. I am a fierce warrior and I am a coward. I am simple and I am immensely complicated. I am emotional and my emotions are buttoned up. I am profound and I am a simpleton. I love fiercely and can hate just as much. I watch what I say and I use the word fuck without even thinking about it. I try to not offend and can give offense just as easily. I am perfectly flawed and flawlessly perfect. I am as straightforward and honest. I harbor secrets that I will keep hidden through deception or omission if need be. I am nimble and I am clumsy. I love being alone and I am lonely. I will make you proud and I will be a disappointment.

I am me. I am human.

Still Breathing

2017-07-23T18:38:00.002-04:00

It's been a bit since I updated but my laptop died and I do not have the money to purchase a replacement yet so I write when I can borrow my daughter's.

So far things are good and bad with my son depending on how you look at it. He is more even keeled but he's still self harming but the self harm is reduced to cutting and not trying to bash his own skull in with a weight bar....but when he cuts it's pretty severe...but....it's not very often.....but he's not contemplating suicide....but he's still extremely anxious and obsesses. See? It's all about silver lining versus shit. It's all a matter of how you view things. *stress*

That being said, my hair is falling out most likely from stress. Good thing I have so much damn hair. I will need to start looking for a part time job once the kids start school because we just can't survive on one income for two households any longer. We did what we could for as long as we could but it's come to the end of our rope. This means relying on my son to help with the kids more. I am worried about that but am hoping it'll be low stress for him. His meds aren't worked out enough for anything high stressed and let's face it PTSD isn't something that can be controlled very easily. *Stress*

In the past week my husband got his car towed and it cost $320 to get it out and my son got a speeding ticket going to his sister's place...to the tune of $150. That really clamps down on the budget and makes things extra difficult. I have school supplies/clothes/shoes to buy for the little ones and my younger son's birthday is coming up too. Things are going to hurt financially this month for sure. *STRESS*

My mother has recently learned that being able to continue her work as a hospital floor nurse might not be possible so I have been dealing with her bullshit too. To the tune of defending my son for NOT being in college right now and telling her where she can go. *MORE STRESS*

Since I started writing this, people I know have come forward and told me about their struggles with their children's mental health issues. I am always reading op-ed articles about making mental health issues more out there and for people to quit hiding because there is not shame in it but you know what....not one talks about parenting a child with mental health issues. No one talks about how hard it is to deal with and the daily struggle that comes with not knowing whether or not it will be a good day or bad one with your child. The fear of going to bed because you have no idea whether or not your child will decide to end their life in the middle of the night. No one talks about it. There is still embarrassment and shamed associated with it. That needs to end too.

Today my stress level hit a new high. Between writing the check for the speeding ticket, learning about the impound fees, and defending my son, and his mental illness, to my mother...I had a good cry in the shower. It was either scream and scare the little ones or cry quietly. I chose the latter. There really isn't much lonelier than crying quietly in a shower then getting out, getting dressed, and acting like everything is perfectly fine.

Little by Little, Step by Step

2017-07-05T22:13:00.004-04:00

My son was released from the psych ward at the hospital a couple days ago and so far everything is going well. He has new meds and finally a diagnosis. I'll keep that diagnosis to myself since it is rather personal. That being said, it's nice to see him a little brighter. He even has something to take for his anxiety and that is a a true gift. His anxiety was so crippling.

Right now I am trying to take life day by day. As much as I want to get my hopes up that these meds are the answer to his needs, I don't really trust it yet. I find myself asking him how he is doing multiple times a day and I am pretty sure that has got to be annoying to him. Today he left the house and went to a park with his friends. My son....left the house. That's huge. My BFF and his wife took the two little ones and me to an area wildlife park. Of course before we left I had to ask him if he was going to be okay alone. Leaving him home alone terrifies me still even though he is much better. I am so scared I'll come home to a body hanging out the third story window...you have no idea.

Of course now that some of the stress of his issues is starting to abate, I have noticed that I am a hot mess. I have anxiety now. I don't feel like getting out of bed. I don't have the energy to do day to day tasks, and I am just not me. I swear I spend my days spinning in circles. The worst though it at night when I am laying in bed. All the horrible thoughts that run through your brain as you relax sure can screw up one's ability to fall asleep. It would be wonderful to have another body to hold on to when those awful images invade my brain or the nightmares wake me from my sleep. Just someone to hold me, rub my head, and tell me everything is going to be okay. Someone to chase the monsters away so to speak.

Step by step I need to gain some control over my life and myself. I guess I really need someone to take care of me for a change but since that is not an option, I need to deal with it myself. Time to square up my shoulders, look everything in the eye, and try to not crumble. I should probably be grateful my bed is queen sized and not king sized or bigger. That would make that empty space next to me that much more immense.

I am still in physical therapy for my back. I really just need to be done with it. I need to start doing normal exercise so I can get back into shape. I miss my old body. I miss being able to wear my clothes. I miss....shit, I miss a lot of things. Mostly I just miss me.

I Am But Made of Glass

2017-06-29T20:20:00.002-04:00

I don't know why but that statement keeps coming to my lips, "I am but made of glass and if you touch I may shatter." I have no idea where it came from but it fits my feelings are the moment. I truly feel bitter and on the verge of breaking. I haven't been posting about things that were happening here because my computer died and I still haven't the funds to replace it.

Basically, my son hit another crisis and he met with the new psychiatrist....that new meeting did not go well. He was too dismissive with my son and wouldn't actually listen to him. My son left his office within 30 minutes worse than when he walked in. It was so horrendous that within 4 hours after that meeting he had checked himself into the hospital under a voluntary 72 hour psych hold. Do you know how desperate you have to be to go to the one place that scares you the most and voluntarily check yourself in there?

Of course this meant I had to drive him down there and I was with him while he was explaining to doctors and social workers what had been going on in his head. He explained, in details, his plan on how to end his life if things become too overwhelming. I heard things no parent should ever hear come out of their child's mouth. Things that would make the blood run cold if you heard them come out of a stranger's mouth much less from someone you love. Walking away and leaving your child in the care of a hospital is always difficult to do even under the best of circumstances.

I walked out of that hospital with my head up after giving my son one last hug but once I hit the outside, I crumbled. The tears came and the stress of those last 4 hours was released in a way very out of the norm for me. I am not a crier. I couldn't stop. I even apologized to my friend that was with me for being a baby.

That was Tuesday. It's now Thursday evening and my son seems better. He called earlier in the day sobbing. He had had a panic attack and they had given him an injection. I guess he was a little disoriented and groggy after he woke up and he was working himself back into panic mode. He does want to see about being released tomorrow. He has had enough. I am not sure if they will let him go yet. Honestly, I am not sure he's truly ready but he's an adult and this was voluntary so no one can make him stay.

However, even with the upswing, I find myself still feeling fragile. I am still but made of glass and I will shatter....

Not Gonna Lie, I'm Drowning....

2017-06-11T01:34:00.001-04:00

So after a good day yesterday, last night turned bad. I was up until nearly 7am because my son was just in a bad place. Not bad enough for 911 and 72 hour hold but still, not good. I slept maybe 5 hours total starting after the sun came up. Let me assure you that this is one of the hardest, most painful things I have ever had to do...watch my baby boy suffer. I am not a weak woman and I have had some extremely horrible periods in my life, periods that people would cringe to hear about but this, this is the most painful thing I have ever had to go through.

No one would ever equate me with being helpless but here I am, helpless as fuck. I am also not prone to tears and yet just watching my son suffer makes me cry. It makes me cry thinking about it or even talking about it. I feel like I am watching him drown but I can't quite reach him and the more I try, the more my legs become mired in quicksand. I am being pulled under as I am trying to save him.

Tonight I needed to breathe. My eldest daughter got off work early so I was able to head to my favorite couple's house and watch season 7 of Shameless with them. Well, we started it. It was awesome being able to just sit and watch something without any demands being made of me. Granted, I did have to field texts and calls regarding my eldest son but it was liberating not being in the middle of miasma. I thought everything was okay. He needed some spending money, no big deal.

I was even able to tell my friends more about what was going on, like face-to-face to people I knew loved me and were just as concerned with my family as I was. It felt good. He had slept a little this morning but when he woke up I knew it was not going to be a good day. When I had finally escaped the house, things were quiet. I thought I was in the clear.

I was so fucking wrong. As soon as I got in the car (1am give or take) there was a text from my eldest daughter telling me that my son was not doing well and she didn't know what to do. So I texted my husband to call him and then raced home. He is now on the back porch talking to his dad and I am here, typing this up. I don't know what to do. I am exhausted but I doubt sleep will come. I am too anxious and worried about him. I also have my two youngest kids in my bed. They are more clingy now; though to be fair I think it's more a result of their dad visiting and leaving again than their brother slowly losing his mind. Then again, it could be a combination of both.

Every day I pray to whatever is out there to help him. To take his torment away. To help me find the strength to bear this burden. I honestly do not think anyone is listening.

It's Not All Bad

2017-06-09T19:48:00.004-04:00

It was a beautiful day today. The sun was shining, I got to go to the store without children hanging off me asking for stuff, and I bought myself a treat...booze. Hey it's summer I an totally deserve that Gin & Tonic and Margaritas. We do have storms heading our way but I love a good summer storm. I might be able to fire up a video game tonight. I was blasting my music, singing in my car, and having a great day.

I took a detour home and hung out with my favorite girl, Angela, then came home and started dinner. I felt lazy so I experimented on the kids and made a ham casserole and skipped veggies because I can't be fucked to chop and cut. I even managed to get my semi-feral children bathed. Summers are pretty loose and relaxed around here.

I was reminded today that sometimes the fact I am a genuinely nice person that cares and will help out whenever/wherever I am needed can be a double edged sword. While most of the time my generous nature is greeted with open arms and thankfulness, sometimes I am viewed suspiciously or people paint me with a reputation I didn't earn because they do not understand why I am doing these helpful things for someone. Yes, I also run the risk of being used but that's fine, my helpfulness rarely involves money so the only things used are my time and energy. One of the hazards of living in a small town where everyone knows everyone and their entire personal history, is you are an unknown element. Add that to a complicated history and relationship...tongues start wagging. Fortunately, I always keep my nose clean so eventually the truth comes out or everyone decides maybe I am not sent to town on a mission from Satan. I am used to people just not understanding me in general so I hardly notice these things any longer.

I was once asked why I am willing to stick my neck out for people, even virtual strangers, and I gave it some thought today. The short answer; I can't help it. It's just who I am. I think because I had no one to help me when I was younger and desperately needed it, I refuse to let anyone else feel lost, helpless, and abandoned if it is in my power to do something. Even something small like doing a load of laundry can have a big impact on someone's day. Most of the time people just need someone to listen and care. So that's what I do, listen and care. I'll offer advice or guidance when appropriate and then do a load of their laundry or something.

I met two of the most wonderful and accepting people I have ever known through my desire to help and I wouldn't trade them for anything on Earth. Other than leaving my grown children in Ohio, the pain of leaving them is going to leave a hole in my soul. I'll just have to visit them or they will have to visit me. Thank goodness for technology, we are all only a call/text/FaceTime away from each other. Granted, it won't be the same as showing up at each other's houses whenever we feel like it or need a chin wag/hug but it will have to do. It's better than nothing. Shawn and Angela are two of the best people I have ever had the privilege of knowing. We can discuss anything or tell each other anything without judgment or risking losing the love and respect we have for each other. I adore their boys like they were my own.

Someone took me to task online about not being sympathetic to my son's mental illness and treating like a burden. You know what, I am sooooo sympathetic to him that I don't make any demands on him at all other than to not be verbally abusive to his brother and sisters. We all tiptoe around his mood swings and try to not upset him. And, FYI, dealing with his illness while he is unmedicated IS A GODDAMN BURDEN. It's a burden to him and to me. Just because I am honest and admit the strain I am under with everything already piled on me, then having to help him find the right doctor and treatment, doesn't make me unsympathetic. It fucking makes me a human being. I can admit my feelings. Something I haven't been able to to for years for fear someone would point out that I was a failure. I'm not a failure. I am not weak. I am just a woman at her limit sometimes and that is perfectly fine. So you can take your judgmental, perfect ass and walk the fuck out of here. Got it? Good.

I was asked to explain my posting about the sex thing and how after awhile you don't even care about it any longer. Well, I am not sure what else to say about it except it's completely true. After the first two months of my husband being gone, I stopped thinking about sex. Getting "horny" isn't something that happened and I physically didn't care about it. That resistance to the sexual urge dissipates after you have sex again but you know that after a few weeks it'll be gone and life will continue on. Sure their are sex toys and masturbation but not only are they NOT the same as having a physical body with you, the orgasms are decidedly unsatisfying in my opinion so why waste the energy? I hope this explains what I meant.

That all being said, the hardest times are night. That doesn't change. Going to bed alone or even sitting by myself in the evening watching a movie/TV is when I really notice how "single" I am right now. It at these times when I start to feel the weight of everything and my mood can get very dark if I allow it. I do hate going to bed. My bed is so big for just one person.

Of course, on the other hand, I always have kids underfoot and household "disasters" to attend to so the thought of getting away is appealing. That would be a different type of alone. That's the type of along when you don't have kids making demands on you. Still escaping for a weekend away is totally better with another person or people but hey, at this point I'd take doing it alone even if it was just for the sleeping. It would be awesome to have an adult weekend....

Chaos Reigns Supreme

2017-06-08T20:14:00.000-04:00

Summer vacation is here and the kids are out of school. This means loads of bickering and whining mixed with "I'm hungry" and "It's my turn." It also means I get deal with a mentally ill teenager mixed with small children all day long.

My husband visited recently; the first time I had seen him in 6 months. You'd expect after being apart for that long seeing each other would be like the end of some romance movie. Well so did I. However, you and I were both wrong. It was awkward and strange. I had no idea how to greet him, approach him, to him. The week was filled with things he wanted/needed to do with little time for me. We barely even hugged while he was here. It cemented the fact that once we are in the same house together again, it will be as if we are starting our relationship all over again.

We fought. I was irritated he wouldn't spare me a few moments alone just to talk and he figured if he couldn't take me out then being alone wasn't important. He was so very wrong. I was left hurting because it felt like I wasn't important to him any longer. He had a new life, with new people, and I wasn't really a part of it. I was just something he kept around for nostalgia's sake.

It wasn't all doom and horror. The kids, all 5 of them, were thrilled to see their father again. It was wonderful having my entire family under one roof, laughing and joking around. Of course it also meant tons of cooking and cleaning for me but it was worth it to have us all in one place even for a brief moment.

There is a small part of me that wishes he hadn't come home. There I said it. Now it's out there. While it was great having him here, for the most part, it made his leaving again even harder. Having someone in bed my at night made my bed that much more empty and lonely when he left. Imagine if you will someone made you your favorite meal, your favorite in the whole world, gave you a bite and then took it away never telling you when you could have another. My life experience has become a series of bites; a nibble here and a nibble there hoping it will add up to an entire meal eventually.

They say communication is a the key to a great marriage and in many ways they are correct. That being said, communication is difficult with a 2 hour time difference and 2 people leading very different lives. When he got here, I had no idea how to talk to him. We don't speak much when he's away. At least nothing more in depth than the surface stuff. You know the stuff....how were the kids today? How's your back? What's the weather like? That kind of thing. He doesn't want to hear what is really going on with me because it's unpleasant. He'd rather keep things pleasant because it makes it easier for him to be away. I get it. I understand it. It's normal. It's also normal for me to want to share the trials and tribulations of things here. That just isn't possible so communication is at a minimum with us and it's better that way I suppose. He isn't depressed about things here and that is best. He's out there without us and I know it's hard on him.

It's funny though how I can say I have no privacy and have it be really true. Today I tried to take a short nap. I was extra exhausted and couldn't keep my eye open. within 45 minutes 3 of my kids barged into my room 4 times to ask me something or tell me something. Seriously, not even a knock. It's like they could sense I was trying to sneak in an hour of sleep and they couldn't allow it.

Day to day tasks are fairly mundane, not much happens here. The kids and I talk, watch movies, or whatever. Hopefully I can find the will to stitch again soon. It used to be my mediation but with so many distractions, I haven't been able to do it. Let me give you an example: my favorite couple had come over and we decided to watch Beauty and the Beast. The kids, the youngest especially, just couldn't let me sit and watch a movie without interruption.

Right now I am trying to plan a small escape for myself and my sanity. I just want to go to a hotel room and do whatever I want, watch whatever I want, cry if I feel like it, without interruption. Hopefully I can get the funds to do that sooner rather than later.

I am still feeling very raw and the past couple of days have been punctuated with a few tears here and there. I always manage to pull myself together before much more than 1 or 2 has left my eyes. I can't show weakness. I can't show fear. I cannot show sadness. Everything I show, my kids pick up on and I can't have a bunch of little ones what rely on me solely worrying that I am losing my nerve. No one wants to follow a frightened leader into battle and I need these kids to follow me. So I screw my emotions to that sticking place, shake it off, and plow ahead. It's isolating as Hell but what choice do I really have?

Trudging through the Swamp of Despair....

2017-06-06T19:23:00.000-04:00

You get 10 points if you understand the reference of this post title.

So a quick update on my life so far: Husband's company closed and he lost his job. He couldn't find another one locally that would pay as much (no where even near as much) as he was making and the benefits were atrocious.

On December 6, 2016, my husband left for a job in Colorado leaving me behind to get things with the house sorted so we can sell it and to let the younger two finish the school year. If only it were that easy. On March 31, 2017 I collapsed from pain on my driveway and was unable to move. I couldn't walk, stand, or even roll to my side. At the E.R. I was informed I had herniated 2 discs in my lower back. What was I doing to cause such a heinous injury? Nothing. I was literally standing still. I returned to the E.R. 5 days later because the steroids they gave me didn't help and I became immobile again. I also learned I had scoliosis. That would have been nice to know years ago. My older son has a mental illness that has been misdiagnosed for years. Things have gotten seriously awful here so I am staying in Ohio until he's got a better diagnosis, his meds are sorted out, and he is stable enough to live on his own (this means a job for him and as of now, he can't work).

Needless to say, this all has avalanched into my being stuck in Ohio for an indeterminate amount of time. The separation has been a strain on my marriage and my life in general. Though part of me is happy because I won't have to leave my best friend I've ever had.

Now that everyone is all caught up, it's time for me to get real. I mean really real. There will be curse words and some no-holds-barred dialog, so consider yourself warned.

Yesterday it happened. I succumbed to my frustrations and despair. I let my steel will bend and I stopped being the pillar of strength everyone keeps calling me. I had just finished physical therapy and had returned home faced with the prospect of yard work. I set about trimming the bushes because I couldn't see my side entrance any longer and it needed to be dealt with. My upper body was sore from PT and using the hedge clippers (manual) was like holding extra heavy weights. It was so humid I felt like I was breathing underwater. This was not the moment when I failed myself though. I trudged ahead knowing that this was something that must be done and I was the only person that was going to do it.

I resigned myself to mowing the front and back lawns as well. The day was dry and we were expecting several days of rain. The poor lawn hadn't been mowed in about 10 days; it had to be done. I went to the garage to get the mower. Hubby had visited last week and done a few DYI projects that needed doing. However, between him and our son, everything had been put back into the garage in such a way I couldn't get to the mower. So here I am dragging a table saw, bikes, and other crap around just to get to the goddamn mower.

I trundled the mower to the front yard and this...this is the moment I broke. It was only for an instance but there it was. There wasn't any reason for it, I think I just became overwhelmed with what felt like the enormity of mowing both lawns, sore from PT, and on a day that felt like I was being nestled under Satan's balls.

I started crying. Anyone that knows me knows I am not a big crier. The waterworks do not open just because there's a cute dog or a sad movie. Yet, here I was, losing my composure, on my front lawn for no discernible reason whatsoever. Well not discernible to anyone that is not me. I sucked it up pretty quickly. Scolding myself in my head for being a pussy-ass crybaby...only 4 tears actually made it out of my eyes. I started the mower and away I went; until the mower stopped working. I fixed it and continued, after trying to hunt down proper tools for almost an hour.

This moment of self-perceived weakness got me thinking. What the hell is weighing on me. Sure kids, house, bills, etc are all easy to point to as being crushing weights of responsibility...and they are...but there is so much more going on. I never talk about it. I have lightly flitted over it in conversations with friends but I've never been really open and honest. Most of the time when someone wants to know how you are doing, they really want to hear "fine" so they can be happy they absolved themselves of their obligation of asking without actually having to offer anything more. I came to a few conclusions though whether or not these revelations really help me in anyway remains to be seen.

I am alone. This is an honest truth. Every night I go to bed alone. I wake up alone. I care for the kids, the house, the yard, the day-to-day bullshit...alone. I deal with the disasters, experience the happy moments, watch TV/movies.....alone. The sheer loneliness is soul crushing. Sure hubby and I talk on the phone but it's not the same as having him here to help. Plus he's terrible at the phone. I love him but he doesn't listen most of the time because he's distracted by stuff on his end. Seriously, the man cannot walk and chew gum so he certainly can't cook his dinner and listen. There's a 2 hour time difference between us too which doesn't help.

The one thing I have learned about being alone is that you can get over the need for physical contact with another human being (yes in the adult sense not hugs from kids...that's different). Honest truth, you get to the point where things like kissing, cuddling, and sex are just not necessary to life. This does, however, make you a little too independent in body language and can make you seem unapproachable. It's hard to appease your ego with the knowledge that someone in Colorado wants you when you are stuck staring at an empty bed day after day.

I have no privacy and there is no such thing as "Me Time." Since I am solely responsible for everything and everyone here, I never get a real break. Maybe I get to watch a movie at a friend's, if I am lucky or maybe they can come here but that's still only about 3 hours of freedom (unless they are here in which case I am still juggling the kids and house). There is always a kid needing your attention, or something that needs cleaning or fixing. My "Me Time" are the few hours at PT and when I can steal an hour or two at a friend's house. Though even then I am worried about getting home because I don't know what the kids are destroying and whether or not my older son is actually taking care of his little brother and sister for me.....or are they having a full Lord of the Flies experience in my house. He has trouble dealing with them because of his issues and being unmedicated at the moment. I used to walking or hiking when I needed to clear my head or think. Now I can't even manage that because I just don't have the time.

It all up to me. Whenever the realization hits that keeping everything here balanced and going is all up to me, anxiety takes a hold. I don't feel like I am up to the task but then I don't really have a choice do I? I mean, who else is going to do it? Imagine someone handed you two buckets of nitroglycerin, one for each hand, then put you on a tightrope then said, it's all up to you to get to the other side without blowing up. That's my emotional and mental state daily. I have friends I can lean on but I hate leaning too heavily on anyone, not even my husband, and they have troubles and woes of their own plus I hate being a bother to anyone. I love them both dearly and I love their kids like they were my own. I'd do anything for them and I am grateful I do have them in my corner whenever I need them. They force me to be social and prevent me from isolating myself. I couldn't have gotten this far without them.

I hear things like "You're a strong woman. You can do this" or "Military wives do it all the time." First off and fuck you for the military comment. I am not saying it because I don't think military wives have it easy, I am saying it because I am not a military wife. I feel bad they have gaps from their spouses but they signed up for the marriage knowing that was possible and the military does off a support system for spouses of deployed personnel. I am fucking alone here, twat wad, and I didn't sign up for this when I married a civilian. I am also pretty sure they feel the same way I do so don't belittle their feelings like that....so fuck off again. I am tired of being strong. I am so fucking tired. You couldn't even begin to grasp the mental and emotional exhaustion I am suffering from. Some days it's hard getting out of bed. That is not an example of strength, trust me. This is humanity at its lowest.

I do all of my crying, when there is some, in the shower or at night when everyone is asleep because I have to be the rock that keeps my family from sinking. Of course one has to ask who is holding up the rock? As of right now, the rock's sheer will and stubbornness is the only thing holding her up. I need a weekend off. I need to go away, stay the night(s) there, and not be responsible for anything above deciding whether to have the mimosa or margarita. A weekend when no one demands anything of me. That would be heaven. I just need someone to arrange it all and whisk me away. I don't have the energy to plan.

As for now, I shall remain alone, plugging along, pushing self-indulgent self-pity down into the depths of my being, facing it all head on, and wishing it would get just a little bit easier....and crying in the shower.

The Greatest Lie...

2016-03-15T01:26:00.001-04:00

Lies. We have all told one or two in our lives. There is no way anyone can get through life without ever telling a lie. If you deny it, you're lying. Seriously, don't even come at me with a "I have never told a lie" because I will call you out on that bullshit.

I am guilty of it. I lie quite often and about something people would find extremely important; possibly hurtful and damaging. Oh not to the person I am lying to. In fact, I'd be hurting myself but I can't help it and I am not alone in this lie.

Right about now you are probably making guesses as to what the lie is. Is it infidelity? Money? OMG what is it? Well.....

"I'm fine."

Or my other favorite:

"I'm okay."

I say these two sentences, or something similar, so often it's a knee-jerk reaction to that age old question..."Is everything okay?" 90% of the time it's not but I say it anyway. Why? Why do I, and a vast majority of everyone, repeat this lie over and over?

I can only speak for myself with any authority and very little at that since I can't seem to make sense of myself most of the time but, I think a big part is my not wanting to be a burden. You see, I view myself as insignificant in this big picture of life. My loved ones have far more going on, good and bad, than I and it seems unfair to foist my problem on them. Why bring them down or add to their troubles? They have enough of their own. As an adult, I should be able to deal with my own shit. Plus, letting people in too far means they can hurt you or let you down. I don't want my friends/family to let me down so why set them up for possible failure.

Add to that the fact I tend to be the one people come to for support or comfort, it's the perfect storm of isolation within a crowd. I also tend to get spiky and touchy when I am feeling lost or alone, so that tends to push people further away. I can't even find the words to explain myself and apologizing is all I can do. I usually make an excuse like I didn't get enough sleep or something similar.

A perfect example is when my husband asked me to come help him find a car. He's moving to Colorado soon because he's losing his position here in Ohio (company is shutting down). The kids and I will join him eventually but it will be an extended separation. He has to find a place to live, I have to sell this house, and I need money to actually move. Anyway, I told him no and that I didn't see the point in my going since it wasn't my car. I hadn't helped him buy his last few cars and I wasn't even there when he bought mine. He was irritated I said no and got snippy with me about it. Eventually he asked if I was okay and if there was a problem. True to form I told him no and that everything was fine.

What I couldn't tell him was that I couldn't BEAR to go with him. That buying this car means he's that much closer to leaving. My sadness and anxiety over this separation is eating away at my confidence and I just can't be a part of purchasing the thing that he will use to drive away.

Yet every time he asks, I tell him I am okay. Granted, in this instance I know what when I tell him how I feel I'll just get a "Don't worry, It'll be fine" which is almost as bad. He's coping too and this is how he copes.

But why do we, as a society, have such a problem discussing ourselves and our feelings? I was always shown that people don't talk. Unless you're discussing someone else's shortcomings, of course. I was taught no one wants to hear your problems, no one is going to help (trust me I asked for help from my extended family once when I was a teenager and I was flatly refused), and frankly no one wants to deal with the responsibilities that come with being helpful or a comforting person. Maybe its the way everyone is or maybe we start out thoughtful can caring but life makes us hard? We live with so much disappointment that we become jaded? Or in my case, I have always felt like a bit of a burden and now that I am an adult, I am even more conscious of how easily one can be seen as a bother.

At any rate, I am not okay. I am not fine. I will try to own that fact from now on.

Sorry...

2015-11-05T10:13:00.000-05:00

So I've been having strange health issues and symptoms the past several months and and still trying to figure out exactly what is wrong with me. However, I need to do something with myself so I need to kick my own ass into gear and start writing again. Don't worry, I am not dying (at least not so far) but the issues have really slowed me down. Anyway, on to better things.

While I (im)patiently wait for Fallout 4 to launch next week, I've decided to tackle some of my gaming backlog. My 360 has been getting a workout. I've managed to finish a few games on a more than one console.

EtherOne: This game is amazing. I purchased it on the PS4 because getting my hands on my laptop has been a real chore lately. One of my sons is always on it. This game is an exploration game with a few puzzles thrown in but the story is engrossing. The whole premise deals with dementia (lewy body, if I recall correctly) and the quest to repair the mind of someone suffering.

Everybody's Gone to the Rapture: Another amazing exploration game. The art and graphics will take your breath away. Basically, you wake up in a town in England, alone. You must explore the area to try to piece together what happened to everyone plus you'll get a glimpse into the different relationships between people as you explore.

Borderlands Pre-Sequel: Finally finished this one. While it was fun to play, it wasn't my favorite in the series. The environment felt really small and the gameplay just felt, well dull in comparison with the other two titles.

Dead Island Riptide: I have had this one since launch and had started a game with a character imported from Dead Island. I truly had a Gandalf moment when I loaded the save. It took me a few minutes to piece together what I had been doing. I had a good time playing it and you can tell it's a definite launching off point for Techland's other title, Dying Light (another awesome game with zombies and parkour). I have seen the teaser videos for Dead Island 2 and had been wondering how California came into the story but after seeing the end of Riptide, I think I know.

Valiant Hearts: This game is a wonderful blend of historical facts with sidescrolling adventure. It's not a long game but you'll learn a lot about World War 2 playing it, more little known facts than the major stuff everyone already knows.

Tomb Raider: Okay, I had a blast with this. It's nice to see Lara Croft's origin story and see her less than invincible. As much as I love the old platformer/puzzler Tomb Raiders, having a full story campaign was so fantastic, I am looking forward to the next one. That being said, it'll have to wait since it launches the same day as Fallout 4 and I just don't have the time, or money, for 2 games at the same time.

Currently I am playing Until Dawn (OMGOMGOMG so suspenseful). This is a "must buy" for PS4 owners that love thriller/horror games. Plus, I have finally decided to finish playing the Assassin's Creed games. I have them all up to Unity. I have only played halfway through the first one. Loving the history so far but hating the repetition.

That's it for now. I am going to try to be good and post something daily, even if it's just a bullshit thing. I need to get back into practice.