Girly Thirties

A Small Rant... if you will

2012-12-03T22:23:00.000+10:00

Break a heart badly enough and it might never recover…

(Dawson’s creek)

As I go I am going to share some of my fav. photos since I started this blog 2 years ago...

I want to set the record straight because quite frankly I am a bit over the whole judgmental “Oh you are single at your age”… comments and looks I am sick of getting… NOTHING wrong with being single… I see so many of my friends bitching and moaning about husbands and kids on FB and to me … and well this is why …

I have had my heart broken in many ways in the past few years … some more memorable than others…. Whether it has been by a male, or friends, jobs etc, you get the idea.

New Farm Park on winters afternoon and I was wearing flip flops

This weekend I have had a weekend of mourning the loss of a ultimate career goal for me… While I am sure there is a very good reason but still … it has me going what did I do wrong... What did I say wrong… the self-doubts I have worked so very hard to push to the back have resurfaced. I wanted this to happen so badly and it really pushed me outside my comfort zones… which I will write about soon.

Columbia Icefields - Alberta Canada

But I want to clarify about my single status… sure there are times when I have really missed having someone in my life. But my life is full and I have worked so very hard to keep myself busy doing things I enjoy.

Niagara Falls night show

I have not been fortunate to meet that special someone… YET! I thought I did... 3 years ago almost 4 years I really thought I had. I have never spoken publicly about what happened. I kept my feelings buried for a long time… and there was an interesting counselling session last year where it all came out.

Top of the Rock - NYC - right before our date :)

But I am going to say my piece right now… and I hope it explains a lot … how can someone who claimed to love to me so completely one minute to completely turn on me and not love me or talk to me again. This is one thing I never understood… especially to be dating one month after the break up. He went from being my everything … to nothing… How do you deal with such loss? I told him not to get involved with me and not to break my heart … and he wouldn't listen…then He walked away without so much as a backward glance and digging his heel into my shattered heart and grinding into fine sand as he went.

Only photo I really love .. I got really good at the selfies whilst travelling

You are weak, you have an ego that makes you think you are better than the rest of us and is seriously damaging your psyche and you need to pull that seriously big stick out of your butt!!!!! You are wound tighter than an elastic band about portraying the right image, making sure you look good… you know what? People don’t care… they are so caught up in their own lives they don’t care about how your girlfriend talks, walks, looks… get over yourself!!!!!!!! I really learnt a valuable lesson in that relationship… Listen to your reservations; walk away when you have just too many questions. I will never let myself get so destroyed again.

Lost from last year - it is hard to believe it has been a year since the most wonderful girls have entered by life

I have dated since sure… I have enjoyed it but I listened to myself and realised it wasn't going to go anywhere. Oh and for the record he was hot and black and Jamaican with the sexiest voice known to man!

Noho - right where we met .. :)

Career wise… I am fed up jumping from job to job… especially after what happened 2 years ago… While I am glad to be away from the bitching and the backstabbing (yes missy I know all about what you say about me behind my back – give it up I don’t talk about you and really seriously GET OVER it, It has been 2 years…) to be failed by someone who claimed to be an astute businessman, how did you lose touch so badly with the business? And still do to this day …

Brisbane - how I love thee

I want to do my chosen career more often… it makes me really happy!!! And I love it and while yes it is hard in these economic time but I am sick of being overlooked because I look too young etc etc..

Sunflare happiness

In terms of friends… through everything I have battled through I have done it pretty much alone… I miss some them sure especially one of them … they know who they are … and probably will never read this… but still I have my memories like an interesting afternoon in the Nerang River near natural bridge … went past the other day and man it made me smile. I have forgotten about that afternoon until last Tuesday and they have been on my mind ever since. Wondering how their married life is treating them… I hope they are well and every happiness in the world …they were my best friend for well over 20 years … they are the one person who truly knows me … I miss having them there …

Balloon fun

But once when someone who kept on breaking my heart the many times that he did … said to me … “you are stronger than you know”… I don’t know how I have made it through some pretty dark days… but I did … I am stronger than I realise and if the last few months haven’t taught me that nothing will. Too much physical pain will do that to a gal.

Balloon Fun

So in conclusion to my little rant… “Only exceptional guys need apply”… My friends always look at me funny when they tell they have the perfect guy for me … and I reply with “is he exceptional?” …. And Canadian!

my favourite image ... Peyto lake Alberta Canada

Visitors from Across The Pond

2012-10-13T19:59:00.001+10:00

I have had a very special arrival this week. To say that this has brought me alive again would be a understatement. After a REALLY trying week REALLY trying week she arrived with her beautiful personality and dazzling smile. You can follow her journey here: http://www.intangiblegoods.blogspot.com.au/

Christina is happy to be here as I am happy to have her here

Now who is this visitor you may ask … Well this is the amazing, brave, courageous incomparable Christina. Who was the tour director on my eastern cities and helped me change my life… in becoming a tour director and has been there on the sidelines loving and supporting me.

I have blogged about her here: http://girlythirties.blogspot.com.au/2011/05/day-32-washington-to-philadelphia-and.html

http://girlythirties.blogspot.com.au/2011/05/day-31-holocaust-museum-in-washington.html

these were the most memorable

But I digest… those who know me I haven’t shared my living space in 3 years and haven’t officially lived in a share house since June 2004 that is a long time. We are working well living together and it is great to have her here. She also gets to join in the birthday celebrations tomorrow night and then on the actual birthday on Tuesday. Also it is great having a wonderful WILLING photographic model here ...

I know I still need to do a update on what has been happening over the past year. But life has been well hectic … new friends, new interests and new jobs … So I have to say I have gone from this

Lost taken this week last year

to this…

Balloon Happiness

Happy days… Well that is the spin I am putting on it and I am sticking to that one…

Product Review: 3 Annies Camera Bag

2012-06-18T22:13:00.001+10:00

This is a first time I felt that is necessary to review a product but since this is a blog about my photography as much as my life journeys; my new bag is worth a special mention and I am strong believer in helping out new businesses who manufacture quality products and influence my everyday life.

The Marketer in me loves the branding

You can find 3 Annies here https://www.facebook.com/3annies

From the iPhone - Close up of the branding

Little bit of background on the owner – she is a photographer and couldn’t find a bag that she loved here in Australia. While there are bags on the market there aren’t really any inexpensive Australian options. Margo is based on the Tweed Coast and has produced an amazing bag.

the dust bag that it arrived in - HAND Made - Unheard of these days

The branding that has gone into the bag is fantastic from the amazing handmade dust cover to the stickers and charm that comes attached to the bag. The only thing that could be improved it adding the logo to the bag in some form or whether it is on the charm that comes with the bag.

Not only was the ordering process really simple … just sent her an email with delivery information and just paid through PayPal. I went with black because let’s face it I would never trust myself with aqua but the aqua is stunning.

The Pockets with the Contrast stitching

I ordered at lunch time on Tuesday and it was waiting for me when I got to work on the Wednesday. It has a special introductory price of $199 but that is only until the current stock runs out and then it will be going up to $249. This is still cheaper than purchasing the USA comparable products when you factor in conversion rates and postage. Let’s face we don’t want to have to wait 10 to 14 days for instant gratification.

The Super strong stitching

I have been amazed by the fantastic work that has gone to the design and the creation of the bag. The black is divine and I love the smell of the leather. I have been searching for a long time for the perfect camera bag. The stitching is amazing and the pockets are everywhere. The inners are a masterpiece in how easy they are to use and how practical they are. With the adjustable Velcro it makes too easy to move for the different lenses and for when I get a larger camera body.

Another big big plus is the inner it helps to keep all my stuff that I use on a daily basis under control in the bag because they are mini holders. It fits very comfortably my 3 lens, 50mm 1.8, 15-80mm and 70-200mm plus the camera body, plus my camera cards in the little side pockets with my wallet fitting perfecting into the holder in the inner.

I was able to finally test drive it on the weekend and I walked around town with my camera and 2 lenses, ipad, wallet, and extras I used both the bag handles and the shoulder strap and both were really comfy. I really struggle with bags because of my back and shoulders but it was super comfy and easy to move around with. It will be great for the days that I am tour directing to. I am so pleased with the purchase. The extra side pockets are perfect for the iPhone and anything that I need quickly. I also was able to put my water bottle laid down on the top.

All the evolve photography girls have been ecstatic with their bags as well. So a big Thank you to the wonderful girls at 3 Annies for their masterpiece. Also it was great to buy the bag in Australia and makes my home smell like leather which I love! Audrey Lu and I are going to be great friends!

Love … So check out their Facebook page and send Margo a email and she will have a bag for you. The dimensions and technical are all in the pictures on the Facebook page.

From the front with the Charm and Branding :)

Week 18 | Laughter

2012-05-11T22:45:00.004+10:00

This week I clearing out some of my back up files and what did I find – the photos from my trip and a day filled with so much laughter and new found friendships.

I think when you battle with yourself like I have now for what feels like a long time you forget how important to laugh it is every day.

This is a photo of my wonderful friend Jules … A couple of weeks before I left I caught up with Jules and we had a great afternoon and was one of the few times I had laughed in a long time. We always do.... Full of great food and laughter she is one of those people that can be serious as well as completely irreverent.

It is so true that laughter is the best medicine. I feel like up until 2 years ago I forgot what it was like to truly laugh, drink and dare I say it …but to live again accept the trip for what it is. It was a rare sound for me until a fateful night in Kelowna. While Pete will underestimate what that night meant to me but that is the night that I truly learnt to laugh again and become me again.

People underestimate how important it is to laugh and I think I had forgotten. So appreciate the small things… happy laughter, a childs giggle, a quiet smile as it turns to a laughter.

Week 17 | Yin

2012-05-11T21:32:00.001+10:00

Proud to introduce my Yin to my Yang. My wonderful twin sister and most people when they meet us together don’t even realise we are even sisters let alone twins.

My twin - My Yin

She is a unique personality, very strong person and dynamic person. She is a great mum to 3 kids with teenagers. She is a big believer to wine o’clock especially on a Friday night and loves to entertain which is the opposite of me.

About 4 weeks after we were born but the day Din Came home

We are very different and I think she chafes at her life and wishes she has mine at times. But we have always been like that – competitive and always trying to outdo each other.

3 years - Mum always told us we couldn't swing on there | so been the twins we were...

She sometimes comes across very cold and unemotional along with at times is not the true twin. She tends to keep everything locked inside and puts on a very together public face and tells people what she thinks they want to hear. She rarely lets that slip but sometimes she just needs too. While I definitely got the emotional side of the twins but I am a very different person to her.

First Day of Year 1

But I love her and will miss her when I am living overseas.

At 15 years old

In 2007 | Since I had no one to do the combo with at the family shoot - twinny it was

This is my fav shot ever of her... it is very her

Week 16 | Choice

2012-05-11T20:24:00.000+10:00

This was written before the decision was made about the green card ... But alas it is not my time ... but my heart still screams go.

In a matter of weeks, I am hoping, praying that I will have a choice to make. To stay or go to the states to live. My fate is in the USA governments hands… While it may seems like this is a easy decision… I have to be conscious of some major cons. Their health system, and the fact I still have debt to pay here along with the Economic condition of the country. But I will not leave these shores until I have a contract at least for the season. Then I will decide where to go…

Another Favourite from the Past year

Also over the past year I have built up a small network of wonderfully supportive friends. I would not made it through the past few years without these people in my life. It will be hard to leave them. So thank you my Evolve gals whose words has created the challenge. You came into my life at the perfect time J but are making the Choice to go a whole lot harder.

New Farm Park - Winter Sunset

Week 15 | Marriage

2012-04-15T19:40:00.003+10:00

This is a photo of my Nana and Pop who I never knew. My nana was married for about 30 years before she lost her beloved. They were married in 1932 in Melbourne. The dress is amazing and something I would consider that I would wear if I made it down a aisle.

She never remarried when she lost him in the 60’s and I remember asking my mum why she never remarried and she said my nana married her soul mate. Her beloved aggie was her life and love. They had 3 children and my mum was the youngest. They had a fairly idyllic childhood growing up close to family and the extended family. My dad always called nana mum because she was that kind of person.

Their marriage is something I think I will always aspire too if I ever go down that path. I am at the age now where I don’t think I would. He would have to be a pretty exceptional person for me to consider that. I think my wanderlust is simply too great and I would need someone to balance that out. Not many people in this world are like that. Also I don’t think I am strong enough still for that. Break a heart too badly and it may never repair.

My parents’ marriage is strong and solid and they love each other so much gives me something to aspire too and are heading towards their diamond wedding anniversary. They have done it hard with dad away for most of the early years along with a large family. My dad has had the pleasure of walking down the aisle my older sister has been married for almost 10 years, the next oldest has been married for 12 years. With most of us unmarried but either single or in long term relationships with kids, I am definitely the odd one out in my family but I am ok with that.

I have always felt that I don’t fit … the black sheep but there was a time when I dreamed and hoped that I would marry. First with my first true love C, my best friend and the person that really knows me. He is no longer in my life but for the past four years since he stopped all contact I miss him and that friendship.

More recently 3 years ago the one that I thought wow this is the one. I hadn’t really felt that since C. I had made up mind that he was the one, he was the last man that I would be with, and the man that I thought would love me and support me through everything. But it was not to be… I have never really talked about this and won’t. But love and Ego can’t exist together.

So my marriage will be to travel and to myself… my next love the new adventures that await, the mountaintops I get to breathe the pure air in and feel alive again. My marriage to myself where I will promise to love, cherish and honour... I will work hard to love myself, to cherish myself and honour my values.

Week 14 | Haven |

2012-04-01T17:53:00.003+10:00

I would have to say that my haven is my bed is my haven… my books iPhone and ipad all live there. I love my little hiding place from the world. To escape from real life for brief moments in time.. To get lost in a story and find your little piece of paradise in someone elses words

This is the image that inspired it all taken by my wonderful friend S from Sunday Gorgeous ... the amazing talented works of sunday gorgeous http://sundaygorgeous.blogspot.com.au and http://sundaygorgeous.com.au/

I love the sunlight and Lily just being Lily ... perfection

Week 13 | Relax

2012-04-01T17:09:00.005+10:00

There has not been a lot of that lately … even struggling been sleeping again which is frustrating me.

But when I do relax it is getting lost in a movie or a great book or go for a drive… jump in the car and disappear from the world for a while and go see by the ocean for a while.

Mt Glorious

Where I did truly relax was overseas and become me again. On top of a mountain and in the beautiful surrounds of fall colours is where I truly take a deep breath in.

Fall colours

Week 12 | Mother |

2012-04-01T16:50:00.001+10:00

My mum … where do I start – born in the 1940s the youngest of 3 – nana was the middle somewhere of 13 … I am the youngest of 6 with a twin who is 30 mins younger.

My mum hasn't had it easy … born with a facial lump she was subjected to many a controversial treatment to find out exactly what it was or how to remove it. It has never been successful. But the over the years it has reduced in size. But I think it helped to create the person she is today. I just accepted mum for what she is .. and when anyone made a snide remark I would give it to them.

I was named after both Mum and Dads Mums....
Nana was Dolly Eileen and dads mum died long before me was Eileen

When she was 12 she was trampled by a horse which broke every bone in her body. She raised us almost single handed with my dad away a lot because of the army. With most of their early married years in Vietnam serving our country with popping kids out about every 18 months. The family moved 3 times before we arrived in Brisbane in 1979.

with one of her beloved grandkids

Mum and dad loved here … the warm weather in contrast with Melbourne’s cold weather. Especially with mums mouth it was less achy. So we settled here – she raised us sent us to catholic school in order to instill the same values that she grew up with.

Mum and Dads Ruby Anniversary a couple of years ago...
Married on remembrance day 40 years ago

I have inherited my mums pale skin… my dad’s curly hair and sweet tooth. My mums creative talent not a scratch came to me, she can knit, sew, spin wool, create and me nothing…I struggle to sew buttons on … but I did get my dad’s passion for adventure and travel.

Mum with the first grandson... I love his face in this one

While she will never understand why I want to move overseas, yet she won’t fly due to a inner ear issue to understand why I love overseas so much. I will love her always while she doesn't always support my decisions.

While I have made my peace with the fact that I will probably never have kids or get married. She hasn’t … god love you for that mum. She still hasn’t given up hope on that particular wish.

So thank you for being my mum.

Special Thanks to my sister Acct Photography - because the 2 photos are hers because mum doesn't like to be photographed.

Week 11 | Dark

2012-03-30T23:07:00.000+10:00

I have struggled with this word … mainly because of the connotations of what it can represent. It has taken me weeks to write this post to the point where I am officially behind now by 2 weeks - so please accept my apologies.

Dark can represent so many things… Dark as in night time, dark as in lost, dark as in mood, dark as in music, dark as in personality.

For me it represents a couple of things from my favourite type of photography. Night time photography is definitely a love but I don’t get to do it a lot. But also, Dark as in my favourite type of clothes, the most slimming, dark as in my mood for a long time.

Home - from New Farm cliffs

I feel like I am finally emerging from this dark period. Those of you who have been paying attention on facebook would know that things have been well busy as. No time for play. But finally settled into a new job, been doing some tours and actually making money from them which is a huge bonus which helped me catch up on the unpaid bills while unemployed and the new ipad.

The other possible home - Canada - Niagara Falls by night

I love being a tour director and it is my passion, my love, my drive. I am also enjoying my new full time (real) job which has surprised me they are pushing me in a way I haven’t done for years. I am loving it – it is definitely requiring some out of the box thinking on my behalf but I think I am living up to expectations which is great.

The other possible home - Canada - Niagara Falls by night

So it will be balance between the real job and the fantasy job. I love being a tour director but there just is not enough work here in Brisvegas to keep me sustained. But I am making some good connections.

The other possible home - Canada - Niagara Falls by night

I am finally coming out of the period of darkness thanks to some medicinal help – yes I finally gave into it. But I needed sleep seriously a lot of sleep so it has been great to sleep through the night again. But the past 2 weeks not so great I think because I am worrying about money, life, work and general again. So I am just working on switching that off.

Southbank - Brisbane - Christmas time

I am on the homeward stretch towards finding about on green card … On Monday it will be officially a month to go. So I need to know that I can cope by myself without support in another country. So I am working on getting myself from the dark light to the happy sunshine again. It has been a long time since I have been there and want to again.

Brisvegas - Home

I have had a lot thrown at me in recent years and I have had to deal with it by myself. At times it has absolutely crippled me because of the weight of despair and unable to crawl back. Having limited family support and close friends – someone to open up to and be there for me. To know when I am sinking again but those people have come from a number of different places in the past year where I least expected it.

Brisbane - from Kangaroo Point Cliff Base

I have turned a corner in the way I look at things while there are still some things I am still not ready for like dating and falling in love again. I am still not sure I will be strong enough. My mindset was he was my last great love he was the “one” but it was not meant to be. So I think my mindset is that if he can give up so easily on me then I will just get hurt again. Don’t get me wrong I don’t want to go back there to him but I think he just did me in. It all got too hard and I have learnt to only rely on myself.

Hello another home - NYC - Top of the Rock

They know who they are so thank you my wonderful girls, and my wonderful friends that were made this time last year in San Francisco. I honestly do not know where I would be without you – honestly and truly you are my rocks, my tethers my support system my cheer squad. It is surprising how quickly they have all become that and been there when I least expected it. They helped pull me out of the dark and build my inner strength back up to the fact I am smiling and happy again.

Hello another home - NYC - Brooklyn Bridge looking to Manhattan

The ache for missing the USA family is not as acute because of the tablets which have helped me focus on what I needed to do here to pull myself back. But I keep on reminding myself to stay positive and be back with them by the end of the yearJ. So positive thoughts into the universe that the lottery goes in my favour.

Hello another home - NYC - Top of the Rock

I am working out again consistently 2-3 times a week … with my old boxing partner and it is funny how we know each other’s rhythms and strengths without even speaking. We are both pushing ourselves – I am boxing as hard as I did before I hurt my shoulders and got sick. So thank you M x you rock! In so many ways I appreciate it.

Brisbane from Kangaroo Point Cliffs

So dark is something I will always battle with … but the depths will depend on me and hopefully won’t ever go back there again. I am so very grateful for the love and support that I have seen from my wonderful new friends in the past 6 months.

Riverfire - Sept 2010 we like to blow up bridges in the name of fireworks

You have pushed me to look at life differently, pushed me creatively and been there for me especially during the course when all wanted to do was give up because I felt like I wasn't worthy. So dark go away and don’t come back J

Kangaroo Point Cliffs

Week 10 | Freedom

2012-03-09T23:45:00.002+10:00

This one comes at perfect timing… I have just spent the past few weeks enjoying the freedom that comes with not working… Trying new jobs out … now if I can just get some money rolling in.

The other side of the pacific - with stacy in my jkt because she was cold

This photo wasn’t actually taken by me … but it was set up by me and that is crazy me on the right. It was week 3 of my trip and it was a perfect day. Recovering from our hangovers from the night before. (some more than others) and I wanted to put my feet in the other side of the pacific. While the Americans thought it was nuts given that it was like 10 degrees … this aussie thought it was very normal.

Ocean Beach

The freedom is from being back in the states and being the other side of me. The freedom of opening myself up to a new career away from society considers to be normal.

At the cliff House

The freedom of being on the road and getting to set my schedule along with truly loving what I am doing. While I am still trying to make it happen call it stubborn because things have definitely not gone to plan. While I am still at odds if doing ITMI was the best idea for my redundancy but the friends I made were worth EVERY single dollar. The lack of support and follow up has really disappointed me given the investment I made.

Because Stacy was missing her horse so much
she had to ride the horse inspired driftwood

But I am glad I have preserved with it and making great contacts. I love it and really enjoying the experiences I have had showing my guests my city.

Week 9 | Daydream

2012-03-04T20:52:00.000+10:00

I really wanted to use a photo from my trip but I had to push myself to find something. So I went off and organised me some bubbles. The reason why I choose bubbles you may ask.. well they are carefree, they float as they want … when you daydream it is always shown in thought bubbles so why not use them to illustrate Daydream. Do you know hard it is to capture bubbles by yourself! One finger on the shutter and blowing the bubbles in the other ..

I want that … I want to be less confined by what society calls normal. I want to travel the world and get to know other cultures and enjoy meeting amazing people.

I love being a tour director and I want to do it full time. But work calls and the need to keep the money coming in. sigh I wish I was at the amazing lakes of Canada.

Week 8 | Feminine

2012-02-20T19:35:00.001+10:00

Week 8 | Feminine

My favourite perfume it is so beautiful and light scent. I love this perfume but I only wish that there was a travel size. It is also pretty pink while it is my every day perfume. I tend to ensure I want to feel all girly I use this one

Week 7 - Defeated

2012-02-13T22:08:00.001+10:00

Week 7 Defeated

I feel defeated by myself … I let myself down… I struggle to control cravings and give in. But I have taken the necessary steps to still and calm the mind and hopefully get some sleep. But one side effect is weight gain. 2 kgs has appeared within a week so say that I am freaking out is an understatement.

So I will continue Sunday walking, boxing, strength training and cardio. I can’t and won’t let this beat me. I will go postal if it does. I truly believe that weight loss will be the key to me getting back on track but this has seriously knocked the wind out of my sails. But now I know how it is happening I will be more aware.

Try to not let my cravings along with the hormonal imbalance beat me and take over my life. Can’t keep on doing it to myself and even job hunting I feel that I let myself down. I am using every excuse not to look because it means putting fat self out there and I am probably too delicate for that. But I need to battle onwards and overcome this … not let it defeat me

Week 6 - Still

2012-02-05T13:47:00.002+10:00

Week 6 – Still

Water represents still to me…In a normal day we use water as part of our normal lives. But remember those times when the ocean is so still, or river or pool is so still and it takes your breathe away. A glass of water is the only time to me that water is truly still…

Be still my beating heart… This week I have taken the necessary steps to still my mind … allow me to get my head around my life and make the decisions necessary to ensure that I have new job and what I want to do with my life.

This is what I call a still lake

So far I have had 2 nights of decent sleep all I can say it is a blessing. I don’t sleep well so this is a god send. The mind was still and silent.

Sunflare on a still creek

Week 5 - Simplicity

2012-01-29T19:09:00.004+10:00

Week 5 – Simplicity

I miss the simple things in life – riding my bike around my local neighbourhood, going swimming in the local river when my mum told me not too, ice blocks on a summer afternoon, Sunday afternoon drives, snuggle bunnies on a Saturday night with the one you love.

I miss those days… especially when I am faced with major career decisions and having to do this all by myself all again. But after all they are my decisions and I own them but It would be nice to have someone there to have someone to bounce ideas off.

This candle reflects that… the simple things in life get forgotten sometimes in the daily rush of our lives. So a reminder to slow down and light a candle and enjoy.

Week 4 - Hope

2012-01-23T21:19:00.001+10:00

Week 4 – Hope – my hope is for happiness and what makes me happy. That is travel – to be exploring adventuring… But I have some obstacles to overcome first and my hope to do that…

My hope is also for nieces and nephews that they are strong enough to overcome any obstacle that may come their way and make their mark on the world. To understand their potential, to realise that the world doesn't owe them, they owe the world, along with understanding to be kind and give back and their gift of their hearts to those around them.

Day 42 - Central Park and The Met

2012-01-17T22:52:00.002+10:00

By the time I got back into the city about 30-40mins later I was starving and in desperate need of water. Now a 1ltre bottle… $2 – bagel $1 gotta to love the vendors!

Christopher Clombus statue @ Columbus Circle

One of the stunning bridges in Central Park

And can I say it was freezing… red cheeks and all it was so cold. But I decided I would walk across central park to the Met which was just a few block walk so I thought maybe 20-30 mins later… yep nope !

I mean seriously how beautiful is this !

One of the playing fields... amazing view

I officially banned myself from walking acrossthe park when I am on a schedule.

Fall Colours - I have mentioned I am in Love

With the taking of the photos and my first real exploration of the park I took longer than I thought it.

About the Mall - Literary Walk ...

I discovered the “Mall” which is literally used in almost every movie in NYC. It was divine absolutely divine.

What is not showing up here is the leaves fluttering down! stunning

take me back please!

Yes it was cold!

It looked like they were shooting a episode of something and there were street performer reciting poetry at the beginning … I think I died and went to New York heaven.

from the top of the Bathsheba Fountain

I sat and watched the leaves fall around me … this is how autumn should be…

Central Park Restaurant - and where Carrie fell into the lake

Bathsheba Fountain

I think made it down to the Bathsheba fountain …which is a fantastic meeting place and right on the lake.

Central Park Lake

The MET

I took a moment to take it all in and just enjoy. There was a wedding… a girl singing Danny boy, photography students, somuch activity…

the Met

The Main Entry hall in the MET

It is the lake that Carrie fell into when she went to meet Big... Giggle… I strolled past the beautiful Central Park Restaurant.

Fall sunshine !

Roman Column in the Main Hall

I finally found the path way to the Met … I think I got there around 2pm or 3pm.

On top of the Rooftop Garden

I had to be at Bloomies by 5pm though so it was going to be a quick walk through.

the Bamboo sculpture

How it was constructed

I just enjoyed and explored and did the absolute must see… the rooftop garden and a weird bamboo sculpture.

NYC from the Rooftop Garden

looking across to the Upper West side

It has the most amazing view of the park and the surrounding buildings. It was a beautiful afternoon and it was stunning! So make the time and it worth the entry ticket expense!

some cool sculptures

Although don’t offer to take photos unless you know how to use a dslr! I can self-portrait with the best of them! The Texan lady lovely was lovely just not great at using a dslr!

Vincent Van Gogh

I found my way to the Monet, Rockwell’s and more in the portrait gallery … note to self! Look at the map! I could have seen more.

Monet - Sunflowers

I finally make my way out of there a little late so power walked in the freezing cold to bloomies. I was going to late but it was so cold and pretty!

Town Meeting - Norman Rockwell

I loved it and besides I figured by the time I got a cab that I would be there but I forget that I was up at 80’s and had to walk about 20 blocks.

the Whitney

Past some of the most expensive retail real estate I have seen. Can you say Vera Wang concept store?

Upper East Side

Past the Whitney museum, past the street hedge art – it is a beautiful part of the city.

Kind of says it all

You can see why the Upper East Side is so revered. They have put a amazing amount of work into the area because the area is pristine and well preserved.

the famous Carlyle

Finally made it to bloomingdales and got taken to the make over and massage area. So massage was done first and then a lovely little gay boy did my make-up.

the Carlyle

Apart from Danielle no one has ever done my make up so well. I was so surprised how well it turned out… I don’t wear a lot of eyeliner because it always make my eyes look smaller but he did an amazing job.

Street art

This is dedication for you… it takes him an average 1 ½ - 2 hours to commute in every day from Queens!

Bloomingdales

But only a 1 hour on the way home… which is probably a good thing. I gave him a great tip for doing such a good job.

Rooftop view down Broadway

Headed home to quickly shower and change before heading out to dinner with my Laundromat friends.

Rooftop view down Broadway

I headed on up and experienced a New York Friday night which was filled with laughs, misadventures and Korean BBQ and weird youtube clips.

All made up ...

So thank you guys it was a fun night full of new experiences andawesome views from the rooftop! And still haven’t lived down the vodka and the 6 hour power shots! I am going to regret it tomorrow!

Day 42 - Morning adventures to the Cloisters

2012-01-17T21:47:00.003+10:00

Today was going to be a big museum day filled with lots of cultural activities.

Fort Tryon Park

I mean you can’t see New York without experiencing some of the amazing museums. Personally I think there is a treasure out of the city in the form of the Cloisters which is situated above Harlem at Fort Tryon. It is about a 30-40 min subway ride away.

Fort Tryon Park

Now a piece of advise here… where it says to turn right and take the elevator up there is a reason for it…

Fort Tryon Park

This is the only way up … if you go outside you will get lost and require you to get some cute Irish men to help you to get back.

The Cloisters

It takes about 10-20mins to walk depending on how many photos you want to take because Fort Tryon Park is simply beautiful!

Fort Tryon Park - looking towards Hudson River

I love love love loved it… the blue stone and the amazing bridges. The lavender garden was so pretty with an amazing setting along the river.

Fort Tryon Park - stunning fall colours

The stunning setting of the Hudson River with the autumn colours by the stone bridge was perfect. The amazing French monastery houses some of the most amazing religious art works and sculptures.

The Cloisters

It was old and stunning… words are not enough to describe this place. Can I also it was bitterly cold that day!

The Cloisters Garden

Like I am talking 5 degrees and it was blowing a gale and I didn’t care… I loved it.

The Cloisters - Fragile Stone do not touch

While I am not a big art person and it is not something I really seek out to do when I am visiting somewhere. But this place is a MUST…. The history and the sheer humble beauty of the cloisters are worth enduring some art thrown in.

The Cloisters

You can’t take drink or bags into the building so be warned about that. If you have a New city pass you can do the cloisters and the MET on the same day for FREE. It is also worth exploring the beautiful gardens outside.

The Cloisters - one of the old prayer halls

With old stone that can’t be touched, deeply moving sculptures of parts of our history.

Jesus Genealogy

Jesus’s genealogy which was amazing with the fantastic detail that went into the works.

The Cloisters - one of the many chapels

But I was chatting with a lady who was visiting her sister in NYC from Colorado and she couldn’t believe that a Aussie was there and couldn’t believe the detail that was in there.

The Cloisters - The Garden

But I wandered through the beautiful sculptures and artwork which was amazing. I am not a big museum buff but I did love this … I think it was more the feeling of the beautiful building.

Fort Tyron park

I headed back to the city and it is interesting to see how comfortable I am feeling here … finding it easy to get around and feeling comfortable around people who would normally scare me.

At the bus stop - amazing view

No one cares they are caught up in their own worlds. I caught the subway back to 59^th Street after making plans with my Laundromat friend. I would never do that home but we were going to try for some Korean BBQ.

The Cloisters Garden

Week 3 - Private

2012-01-15T18:24:00.003+10:00

My heart is always private- my thoughts my feelings I keep close to my heart... I have learnt to protect, cherish and nurture my heart. It has been through too much ... I can’t let myself give in … last time I did … look at what happened. I need to get my life back on track again and enjoy what I am doing.

This heart is my happy memory of my birthday celebrations in NYC. As a twin it is not often I get to do what I want for my birthday and this one was my first and got to do what I wanted when I wanted... and my Tiffany heart was the icing on the frozen hot chocolate from Serendipity. Hopefully it will guide me back to where it belongs... NYC / the states

Week 2 - Possibility

2012-01-08T15:13:00.001+10:00

Week 2 - Possibilities - This week I was supposed to be getting more stamps on my passport by heading back to the states for the tour guiding job fair ... but alas money is not my friend... but I am also looking at it this way... I still have work to do on myself... but the possibility of leaving these shores itches at me... chafes and drives me every day ... so this is my possibility my dream my inspiration ..

While I am so sad for not being able to see my wonderful tour director friends… I am hoping next year with more tours coming up this is important to me … and I yearn to be somewhere else… I am the anywhere but here girl.. I don’t fit I don’t belong … my life doesn’t fit here..

Week 1 - Music

2012-01-08T15:12:00.001+10:00

Photo a week – 45 weekproject … One of the lovely girls that I did my recent photography course cameup with the idea instead of a 52 photo a week project we use all our words fromthe first week.

So here goes…

Week 1 – Music –lets face it those who know me know that I do not have a musical bone in my body, I don’t even own a instrument and as many will tell you my iPod collection is woeful with NO music cred atall.

So when I was in San Francisco my wonderful friend stace dragged me out on one of the most entertaining city tours ever; Given I had been sooo sick all week and barely kept the meal from the night before in.... I was a little nervous but she assured me that if I needed a toilet stop they would make it happen; Stupid food poisoning ... Anyways I Digress … as usual… and we stopped at this awesome Italian place in North Beach for lunch because well I was actually hungry … So Italian it was… So while the others were enjoying a smoke I wandered to take photos and saw this little shop across the road.

I loved the vintage feel and the beautiful sign. It was so cool and of course I had to take photos.The shop inside was just as cool… Soenjoy …

Happy New Year - bring on 2012

2012-01-01T17:26:00.000+10:00

My hopes for 2011... Something went astray! Maybe the floods didn't help the tourism career...

In 2011 My hopes for the year… I am not going to say resolution but rather hopes! I think that is a more positive thought pattern.

1. Settle into the new job – yes I have a new job. - Settled in and HATE every second.. Love the people hate the job...

2. Follow my dream - been chipping away at it slowly

3. Be true to myself - been getting slowly back on track..

4. Move to Canada or the USA it is time for a new life for me - maybe this year

This New Years was a quiet one for me … can’t believe I actually got away with it. I think out of the sheer exhaustion of the previous few weeks. So spent the night watching DVD’s and editing these photos … only to lose them all when Photoshop crashed… so started all again …

My hopes for this year… more tours… I love it and enjoy giving back. Sharing our cities hidden treasures with visiting guests. Thank you everyone’s support on Facebook during the week. The tour went really well and my guests had an awesome time and so did i. But just goes to show how much support I get from my family – not one single message of support and the fact they don’t read this either so they won’t know that I am not impressed with them. Makes moving overseas an easier decision… I will miss the nieces and nephews for sure… so bring on May 1^st...

Left to Right:

Brisbane Floods – Taken on the Wednesday the night before the peak.

Just around the corner from my place – the amazing clouds and rays.

No February photos – all preparation for mammoth garage sales

Heading back stateside… sigh I was so happy to be heading back.. Hate the flight – it is loooong but thank you Qantas for the seat to myself J there and back.

Downtown San Francisco – right near my hotel – walked past this beautiful building every day

Golden Gate Bridge – needs no introduction – awesome afternoon with the beautiful stace

My gals – they keep me sane, tethered to this world and inspired. Never met anyone as amazing as all of them, Their inner strength keeps me inspired. I feel so privileged to call them friends. My whole ITMI class were amazing one of the most supportive group of people I have worked with but My gals in Stace, Rach and Katie Kate. They were there for me when I was sick and made sure I ate and stayed healthy. Also made me laugh and smile when I least felt like it. Thank you gals and this photo was taken when we stopped to remove the snow chains… someone (yes me the crazy aussie) decided to have a snowball fight and everyone was on the bus laughing and talked the girls into the photo. Thank you for the happy memories.

Me in the Serra Nevada’s… I love snow… have I said that before… I love the beauty of it… the softness, the quietness… How it feels like as it falls around you…

Hyde street pier… My 2^nd last day in San fran… I just wandered and enjoyed. The water was like glass and the sky a beautiful rich blue. So amazing.

Brisbane Wheel – spending a day with the cousin.

Toowoomba – shortly after I got back from San Francisco I headed up to those hills…

Mt Glorious and Redcliffe – Were part of a 30 day explore life challenge… I love the sunflare

Winter Sunset – didn’t take a lot of photos – the depression had snuck back in when I realised the reality of my life and had a massive tantrum with the world.

Riverfire – my first date with my sister for the first time in a year. I had missed her.

Brisbane Wheel – taken the same night as riverfire – I loved the bright blue

Wickham Terrace – Since I was on the terrace for a specialist appt and had my camera.. so why not.

Lost – the other side of me… read about that one on the previous blog post

Melbourne – my less than willing model – but birthday in Melbourne who is complaining.

Wedding – One of my school friends got married at the 11^th hour of the 11^th day of the 11^th Month and extra bonus of 2011. Felt horribly under dressed but it was a beautiful ceremony. Also terribly hot and humid that day but fun to wander around the city.

Sweet Sixteen – My niece who arrived 2 weeks early back in 1995 was the first grandchild celebrated her 16^th birthday. Lets hope we see some more maturity from her … she still has a lot of growing to do especially in the way she treats her family. Who when you least expect you will need and if you continue pushing them away the way you are … they won’t be there. I will stop ranting now.

Balloon fun – last shoot of my October photography course – I love this shot

Brisbane night time – went out shooting with some of the girls from the photography course and it was amazing and fun night.

Kurlipa Bridge – went out with the crazy scot from the photography course and we had a great night trying to capture the sunset

Aussie Xmas – yes that is a crocodile in the pool and uncle Rayme helping Finn use the hose which provided a lot of entertainment.

Moreton Island – private tour for a full day with some guests from Chicago… So much fun

Christmas Decorations – I didn’t put a tree up this year and so I used my parents and that little decoration has been on the tree for a very long time.

Christmas Tree – fitting way to end the year and my mums tree J

So I hope this year will be better – I seem to have better years on the even years for some reason.

So happy New Year and wishing you a wonderful 2012.

Evolving

2011-11-27T22:54:00.001+10:00

Ok first off I must apologise for the lack of blogging of late… but don’t worry the rest of the trip ones are still coming…Only 6 days left and I am procrastinating on them because it is a week’s worth of work each blog and I have been busy well getting a life…

sunset shots on the way home from the week 1 shoot

Also I have been yet again struggling with a healthy head space and I didn’t want that on the blog…

But now things are getting closer to closer to the end of the year this little missy is getting busier…

sunset shots on the way home from the week 1 shoot

But I have to say it has been a busy time in which I have made new friends, pushed myself physically and creatively. I did the next stage of the online photography course that I did 2 years ago and made some awesome friends with the evolve gals. It was amazing. The first week blew me away with the sheer scope of the talent once again assembled in Sheyes Eye Candy Course.

sunset shots on the way home from the week 1 shoot

Once again given that I don’t consider myself to be a professional, I felt in awe, intimidated by the work, felt like a outsider because everyone seem to know each other from the recent explore courses. But as usual the wonderful sheye and fran welcomed everyone with loving arms through encouragement and inspired us all.

Week 1 - the original selection since I couldn't find a compass

So this is my first weeks post…along with all the different photographs from each week You have to understand where this came from… the sheer outpouring of grief, despair, happiness, insecurity, loneliness, etc that we saw from everyone was outstanding and it blew me away as well as the amazing photographs.

Week 1 - my passport guiding me to where I need to be ... where I belong overseas!

But once again the girls were a amazing support network and I have had the amazing pleasure of meeting some of them and a certain crazy scot many a time… She and I kindered spirits in our loves of all things chocolate, twilight, night time photography, travel and many more… So thank you my wonderful girls you may never know the impact that you had on my life so I can’t thank you enough…

Sunflare was a big topic... This one is from the columbia Icefields

So Week 1… THE POST

(the other side of you - the side that the real world doesn't see)

I want to apologise for how long this is but it was too hard to edit… One of my friends from explore told me to brave and publish all of it… so this is me being brave..

Me being brave and travelling the world.. Bow lake - Rockies

Right now I see my life like the compass on the ocean shore… in need of direction. Also I am able to see the other perspective … it is carefree never staying one place too long – also able to guide me to where I want to go and hopefully guide me back to happiness.

Week 1 - Compass... guiding me back hopefully

So many words have been flowing through me and reading everyone’s words and thoughts it has made for an interesting week … with words like unsettled, restlessness, and finally lost all being part of the thought pattern.

Favourite images... Peyto Lake

Here I am a week out from my 37^th birthday and there is one word for my life right now is lost I feel like I am stuck, at a cross roads, not wanting to be here but I want to be where I was a year ago… NYC and travelling, happy and finding me again. While I feel selfish sharing this given what everyone has and is going through… but the public Eileen is very very different to the private and I rarely show this Eileen and that is the task….

Mt Glorious - Sunflare

My life right now:

Unsettled

Lost

Unfulfilled

Unloved

Alone

And many more words come to mind…

Another Favourite - Washington Depot Autumn Colours

For the last 2 years everything has been building up … the loss of love, the blackness, the loneliness, feeling lost and not wanting to be here; let alone alive… but it is time to try and make some decisions… I know I can’t have kids so that is not on the cards for me, or marriage in which I gave up on those dreams long time ago...… I hate my job… so what else can I do, if work is all I have… where do I move forward from here …I doubt myself at every turn, feel in awe of other peoples work … feel like my photography doesn’t even compete… but I love it too much to give it away…

Sunflare fav

There are times I feel that I have forgotten what it feels to be valued and loved by someone… To wrap their arms around me and tell me that I worthy of them and valued by them. But given my current lost feeling it is simply not fair to bring someone in my life … not knowing where I will be in 12 months let alone 6 months.

My models in Melbourne :) thanks guys

I have always felt like I was destined for a different life but never known how to reach it… I thought I did earlier this year. I feel so lost because the dreams I have had have all been killed by redundancy, natural disasters and small issues of working visas. So how do I shake this and believe in myself along have the confidence to go forward… but I need to soothe the itchy feet to feel more settled and I belong somewhere…

I love this photo ..

As someone said to me very eloquently through my depression tears not too long ago… You have to fix you before you get your dream which is within your reach… but my question to the universe how do I that… how do I discard years of self-loathing, self-doubt… loss of confidence in my own decision making. It is a question that goes unanswered … but I need to start the process of repairing me just not sure how…

A old sunflare favourite... Cayden in 2009

Week 2

We had to use our word from the first week and make a connection with a real life human being… Having absolutely no time that week along with being in Melbourne for the birthday and work I had to get creative.

Edited - Week 2 - Lost

SOOC - no editing

Week 3 – was just editing … but here are my results…

I tend to go dark with my editing...
but it is always challenging editing someone's work

Scattered through this blog post are the different images I used during the 4 weeks of the course...

Week 4 - Balloon Fun

Week 4 - The Signature image – which was supposed to highlight how we photograph most of the time…

Week 4 - Signature Image

so I put the call out to some of my friends… they came back with landscapes, colours, and sun… so this is my fav image…

Small bit of editing

and it was one of those days when everything was on a tight schedule with 2 day early submission.

Black and white and colours.. :)

So with balloons exploding, too much wind, change of location, needing to edit and get home and changed showered out the door for a dinner. This is what I ended up with…

Week 4 - Balloon Fun