In an ironic twist, my mother and father in law have their hearing scheduled for the following day.

Coincidence or message from above?

I guess it depends on one’s eyes.

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But, I bet you’d never guess that she wanted to discuss the demonic attacks that she says are happening in her household and that temporarily possessed her sister. Talk about an ice-breaker. It was sort of odd how it all went down.

My wife is pretty freaked out at the moment though it appears she has developed a sense of humor. She asked me for some demon repellent. I so wanted to say… well, come back home - restore our marriage for starters would probably help, but I bit my tongue.

Send some light and prayer please for her and the kids.

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She called me this morning to apologize for something that happened last night. It was first thing in the morning about 8ish. She’s NEVER done that. I know it may not mean anything. I know I know. Still though, my jaw dropped. She apologized - unprompted. What in the world is going on with her? I’m so used to her having an icy demeanor that it is weirding me out a little.

She also invited me in to her house when I picked the kids up this last time. I got to use her restroom again.

I’ve been practicing being mindful of my thoughts as much as I can remember lately. I’ll have a resentment come up and if I catch it in time, I’ll do some self-talk and say over and over “I forgive myself. I forgive her. I am growing closer to God.” or very similar affirmations. Another thing is trying to work on the positive self-programming.

This is harder. One has to face “reality” on some things, yet the words one chooses can make all the difference in the world in terms of how one views things. An unpleasant situation can be flipped into a test or viewed as an opportunity for growth,etc. Easier said than done, but baby steps.

Today is the 2 year anniversary since she moved out.

Happy halloween sweetheart. Wish you were here with me and the kids - together at last. Love you still.

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Judge denies marriage license to interracial Louisiana couple
BY JACQUIE HENDERSON

HOUSTON—The refusal of a judge to issue a marriage license to an interracial couple in Hammond, Louisiana, has outraged many.

Beth Humphrey, a 30-year-old Hammond resident who works for a marketing company, called Keith Bardwell, justice of the peace in Tangipahoa Parish, October 6 about getting a marriage license.

Humphrey is white. The man she planned to marry, 32-year-old welder Terence McKay, is Black.

The justice’s wife asked if the couple was interracial and told her that Bardwell would not sign the license if they were.

“We are used to the closet racism, but we’re not going to tolerate that overt racism from an elected official,” Humphrey told CNN.

“I don’t do interracial marriages because I don’t want to put children in a situation they didn’t bring on themselves,” Bardwell told the press.

“I’m not a racist. I just don’t believe in mixing the races that way,” he told AP, adding that he had “piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom. I treat them just like everyone else.”

“I simply can’t believe he can do that. That’s blatant discrimination,” Humphrey told the Hammond Star Tribune. Humphrey and McKay got a certificate signed October 9 by another justice and married. “This doesn’t take care of the problem,” Humphrey told CNN. Bardwell has “been in his position for 34 years. So, it doesn’t take care of the problems that we have to deal with on a daily basis.”

The couple has support from many in Hammond as indicated by letters in the papers. David Hyde, a 51-year-old musician in Hammond, told the Militant, “We need to organize some protests of this outrage.”

In 1908 Louisiana officials adopted statutes declaring that “concubinage between the Caucasian or white race and any person of the Negro or black race” is a felony subject to imprisonment from one month to one year, with or without hard labor.

In 1921 the state prohibited “Negro and white families” from living in the same dwelling place and in 1932 added that “no person or corporation shall rent an apartment house or other like structure to a person who is not of the same race as the other occupants.”

That same year the state prohibited “Negroes and Indians” from marrying each other. In 1952 the state prohibited marriage between whites and “persons of color,” stiffening the penalty to up to $1,000 and/or five years imprisonment. The Louisiana statutes were voided by the 1967 Supreme Court verdict in the case Loving v. Virginia.

In 1958 Richard Loving, a bricklayer who was white, and Mildred Jeter, Black and Native American, married in Washington, D.C., because interracial marriage was illegal in Virginia, where they lived.

A few weeks after they returned home they were arrested for violating Virginia’s Racial Integrity Act of 1924. This law forbade those interracial couples that marry out of state from returning as husband and wife. They were sentenced to one year in jail. They received suspended sentences after agreeing not to return to Virginia together for 25 years.

In 1963, as mobilizations led by Black working people against segregation reached a high point, the Lovings decided to fight the reactionary law. They filed a lawsuit that slowly made its way through the courts. The state courts held that Virginia had legitimate purposes “to preserve the racial integrity of its citizens,” and to prevent “the corruption of blood.”

In a 1967 ruling the Supreme Court overturned all the previous decisions upholding the ban. The court said, “The Fourteenth Amendment requires that the freedom to marry not be restricted by invidious racial discriminations. Under our Constitution, the freedom to marry, or not marry, a person of another race resides with the individual and cannot be infringed by the State.”

At the time 16 states banned marriage between people of different races. South Carolina’s constitutional ban wasn’t removed until 1998 and Alabama’s only in 2000.

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She actually apologized for something last night! Historically she has said I’m sorry two times in the last two years. Once was for something I shan’t go into here, and the other was an argument about two-three months ago. This time was different though. She took pride in her apology! She was putting forth EFFORT and was looking at herself too! I had felt like I was the only one attempting self-work over the last 1.9 years or so. She is seemingly working on her own spiiritual development as well now! No matter what happens between us, I am so pleased and happy for her on this!

Now all of this doesn’t mean anything. She is still adamant about not coming home or even considering reconciliation, saving a family, raising our kids the natural way, BUT she is practicising the very fine art of apologizing!

Here’s the thing. I can’t take the credit, because she has had a counselor working with her (the same one working with me), but none the less - there seems to be a very real correlation to what I am doing to what she is doing. I’ll give another example.

A few months ago, I started getting back into sports and such. I used to deplore sports and viewed it as following someone else’s life rather than living your own. That may well be true; however, it also seems about identification with the struggle. The victory and the defeats. Perhaps people don’t have enough victory and defeat in their life and so they must live it out vicariously through football and other sports. Well point is, the wifey has started getting into football quite a bit is what several people have told me. Interesting. I tried to expand my world by forcing myself to get into something that I consciously deplored - passively watching sports. The struggle. I’m been forcing myself to do the same with other things including forgiveness, cleaning up my soul, letting go, etc.

Yesterday morning I went for my walk. I’ve been doing this for about three weeks now. I’ll go for a walk in the morning to start my day. As I was doing this, at first I would bring some podcasts so I could learn something new. Eventually though, I started to just enjoy the sounds of nature. I started studying the planets and stars as they arose in the morning. When I was a kid I was into astronomy and could locate stars and planets quite easily, but I never bothered to pay attention to the motion of the planets and stars. It is interesting to try to “tune in” to that. I’ve been doing the same with the phases of the moon and other cycles of nature. As I go on my walks, I tried something new. I started asking questions about things. What is the grass for? What does it symbolically represent? What are the trees for? After a few minutes, answers started flowing from that creative source inside all of us I suspect. I also began something called self-talk.

Self-talk will sound slightly skitzophrenic (spelling). Basically, I “invoke” certain parts of me that aren’t ready to forgive for whatever reason. They hold onto resentment and anger. In the morning when I do my towel ring out exercise of forgiveness, it is for one aspect of myself. The other aspects are triggered at different times by different stimuli. When I do my forgiveness towel thing, I’m not truly working with the part of me that has resentment. I’m only working with the part of me that is naturally predisposed to forgive! So I need to work with the resentful side that hangs out in deep dark places that are hard to find!

I have to work with those sides of me, but somehow have the “observer” part of my mind still active. So I’ll ask questions that I know will bring up the parts that have resentment. Then I try to hang onto a part of my mind that is watching the whole process - a different viewpoint if you will. The resentful part will speak of such astrocities that it feels it’s wife has done, then the other part will gently remind through self-talk - yes that is true, but are we not here to forgive - to learn how to forgive? The other part will mention that I had done things to contribute to where we are at and that only through letting go and forgiveness can we expect the heavenlies to move. So the resentful part accepts this very rational argument and it feels lighter. Then it may burst out into an emotional tirade on my walks (it is important to do this where no one is watching). I try to hold on with the observer part of my mind and basically reconcile the two aspects of mind and bring them together into wholeness until they are married. Until they are one. When the resentful part of me has been raised up, when it has grown, then I am able to work faster on the spiritual development and sanctification process. This process is painful. It hurts really really bad, but when it is over with there is a release. Hopefully this isn’t just some sort of emotional self mental-sex, but is actually developing.

The overarching point to all of this, is that I had a major session and faced two major tests. I managed to hold on this time and did my best to forgive in the moment. I told myself to “pray through it”. The heavenlies moved and the whole thing was cleared up within an hour. Then last night, the wifey apologized for something! Are the two correlated?

Another thing happened yesterday. Before my walk, I had the opportunity to kill a bug, but spared its life because I’m trying to be all loving to all of God’s creatures and such. The bug showing up reminded me that just the day before, my mom had told me a story about finding a baby rattle snake in her house. Her fellow spare the snake and took it to a nearby creek. Mom was up in arms about this, but I told her that he did the right thing and that she should watch for what happens and not tell him, because I bet that his life would later be spared on something else. Perhaps the bug was a test for me. I suppose the tests can come in the smallest package. Truly the flap of a butterfly’s wings can start a hurricane.

I began my normal morning walk, but it was looking cloudy outside. I got this mental image of it starting to rain violently as soon as I got back from my walk. It wasn’t a vision, just something in the back of my mind. As I went for my walk I started thinking about transformation, my marriage, my self, those I love, etc. A few seconds later I passed a young boy and his mother discussing a caterpillar and that it turns into a butterfly! A butterfly is one of those symbols that has often showed up right as I had given up hope on the whole situation and my family. Well I thought it was neato that the kiddo was talking about this, but continued down my walk. I saw two love birds, then an owl, then on the return trip it started to get really cold. The wind picked up. A few drops of rain pelted me here and there. The sting felt so good on my skin. I tried to feel the drops as they hit me and thought that I might even get an early morning rain walk. It would be electric! As I continued my walk, I crossed paths (almost stepped on) with a baby snake. Perhaps I didn’t get bitten because of my mom’s fellar? Who knows. I sensed that I had better get the move on so I walked a bit faster. I saw the approaching rain and knew it was a matter of a minute or two. Finally I made it back to the house and within 15 seconds it started pouring down rain!

Later on I went to my wife’s house. I got to go pee in her house for the first time. As I interacted with her I saw the butterfly. It was there on here neck - the necklace I had bought her for Christmas! Now this still doesn’t mean anything, but it was definitley a sign from the heavenlies for me. She gave me instructions for the medicine and my son who was sick. She was friendly. There was no awkwardness. Eventually, she came outside to get the kids in the car. I had somehow parked my car within a millimeter of her garage. As we were leaving, she came out to ask me about grandmas.

Later that evening we were close to getting into an argument about an issue with the court papers. The pastor counselor helped us work through the issue. When it was all said and done we were both happy and gleeful for a few minutes after we avoided the argument and still addressed the issue. I told her - I wish we would have known how to do this 5 years ago.

What a day!

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My mother in law and father in law have their court date set for in a couple weeks.

I’m taking swing dancing and ball-room dancing at the same time. It is interesting trying to integrate these things into my two very left feet at the same time, but the girls I’ve danced with have told me that I am doing wonderfully now! They are almost opposing forces.

The wife and I actually had a peaceful 10 minute conversation yesterday without either one of us getting “invoked”. She has gone back to school. She told me about her school and such, which was nice to hear about. I wish I could be there for her with that part, but it seems that she wants to do this on her own.

Historically, she had gotten a little nicer at the first of each month as a general rule. I had figured that it probably had something to do with me writing her a check at the start of each month. This time it seemed much more genuine though. It seemed like she is trying to be nice so kuddos to her. She has started going back to church as well.

I’ve been saying “I forgive myself and I forgive her” each morning lately while I ring the water out of a washrag. I tell myself the washrag symbolizes me and the water symbolizes any malice or lack of forgiveness I may be holding onto.

The waves of anxiety are not as strong at this point. They come and go like little clouds that sit in front of the sun bringing shade for a few minutes on a hot day. It used to be cloudy and overcast for days at a time.

I’ve been keeping extremely detailed journals as of late. I note my feelings, who I spoke with, synchronicity, prayers, etc. I try to be aware of the cycles of the moon, etc.

For our anniversary, I have invited her to a dance this coming Saturday. Not expecting to hear anything, but you never know - she could have a change of heart and decide that a family is a terrible thing to waste.

One more month until the average time for marriage restoration according to the Steinkamp’s of Rejoice Ministries. Can’t believe I made it this far.

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I got a note from my lawyer that was from her lawyer asking the court to keep the case on the docket. It was going to be “dropped” since my wife hadn’t paid her attorney or something like that. Apparently her lawyer has decided to press on with this. It looks like we may be about 30 days away or so from the paperwork being finalized.

Other things in the news. I saw a car with 333 on it as I entered work, then leaving I saw two. One was in front of me and the other came from behind me and was right along side the other one.

I went for a walk at lunch and saw one.

There I am staring at two license plates. One says 333 - ???, and the other lane has another one ?!? - 333.

The last time this happened was back in May. What’s up with the threes, yo?

I’m planning to go back to my notes from May and see what happened at that time - perhaps something new is manifesting in my life?

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Thus far I have given the bathroom, my bedroom, and am in the process of giving the kitchen a complete cleansing. This means taking all the dishes out and running through the dishwasher, scrubbing the shelves, and I’m even painting the walls. By working with this, I am in fact - working with my mind. I took some hot water, sea salt, peppermint oil, lemon juice, and a bit of ammonia and scrubbed the walls first. It feels like cleaning a part of one’s soul.

In preparation, I’m planning to go on a raw veggie diet this week and have been cleaning my house. There is a reason that we get a good feeling after cleaning and the symbolic nature of this holiday is the perfect time for such things. I plan to give away some of my old stuff. To “let go” of something I hold near and dear to my heart. It is a favorite shirt of mine. It will be difficult to part with, but it must be released.

There are some other things that must be released as well. They have to do with old habits, situations, and maybe even relationships. How then can I allow for the new to come in, if I am still holding onto the old?

By the way, the Rosh in Rosh Hashanah (spelling) is from the Hebrew letter R. The Hebrew letter R looks like a pictograph of someone’s head in older more ancient writings (see ahrc.org). Head of the year.

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It is challenging. I’ve gotten to where I record details about my life and what and how my day went before I went to bed. This include what I ate, who I spoke with, what about, my feelings, the weather, the moon cycle, etc. I record this data to determine what made it into my dreams as a result of something that happened during the day. By doing this, I now remember my dreams most mornings.

For example, the other day I had a dream that I was in Sydney Australia with a number of people following me off the main area in Sydney. I recall passing by a road work crew that was operating gas powered weed eaters similar to how it is done in Texas. We had to proceed very slowly through the road work area. Eventually, it was just my estranged wife and myself. We were headed towards a long up hill road. I revved up our motorcycle and went down the valley as fast as I could because I knew we’d barely have enough power to get to the top. She was holding onto my back. As we approached the top, the motorcycle had to be abandoned and this time she was holding onto my back as I climbed the road “wall”. I felt my muscles getting tired and so I asked her to climb over me - using me as a bit of a stepping stone to get to the top. She still didn’t have enough ummmph, so I pushed her little bottom over and she made it to the top. I was able to follow her over onto the hill. We then went to see my grand parent’s on my mother’s side.

There were other details and this was one small part of an epic dream, but I thought it would serve as a good example of the confusion that a dream can bring. I had a “flash” of a trip to Australia I had taken a couple years ago the day before this dream. It brought up an old memory. I’m not sure why this trip to Oz came to the forefront of my mind, but it manifested in my dream later on. The point being that sometimes things you think about or talk about will show up in the dream. I suppose it doesn’t necessarily mean that it is irrelevant to your life at all if you were to consider all of life one big allegory, but you get the idea. That is one class of dream phenomenon. Daily events manifesting.

Another type may be global stream of consciousness.

Sometimes, I’ve had dreams that were “prophetic” or at least tapped into the global stream of consciousness somehow. For example, one night I dreamt that I was in the custody of some Chinese generals who were wanting to extract military secrets out of Americans about nuclear power and such. The next day on the news - there was a major story about China and some plot to steal such secrets. So that might be fairly obvious as just being tapped into the part of us that is bigger than ourselves. The part of us that is made from the same atoms that our neighbor is made from (scientists say our bodies change all cells every 7 years or so), that earth is made out of, that the universe is made out of. Yet we are still individual too.

Another type may be problems or messages from parts of you outside your normal waking mind. So let’s take a look at this dream I had about my beloved. On the surface, this one seems like a snap. Keep going. It is going to be a long hard road. You are carrying her, that is your job. You may have to give her a little nudge to get to the top.

Yet, the real question becomes: “Is this just wishful thinking?”. I’ve made love to my wife a few times over the last year in a dream, but that certainly hasn’t happened lately.

Are sometimes these things just desires that are manifesting in a dream world? How to discern a desire vs. a message and more importantly who or what would the message be from?

I’ve been told that when the solution to a dream is found - it will be as though an “ahah” moment comes to you. What if i take this one step further and ask: “What does my estranged wife represent within me?”. Let’s move beyond my standard mantra of beloved wife come home, to the bigger picture. The part of us that has the same atoms as those used to form the planet Pluto (10 hits).

Could she represents the loss of my feminine side?Perhaps my intuitive, non linear thinking side is underdeveloped and atrophied?

If I treat my house as allegory for what is missing in my soul, I’ll note that I am in a big 5 bedroom house, living with a Pastor who is a monk, no family, and no wife - no feminine touch. The top of the hill we were scaling had to be reached by going through the land down under, passing through much work and construction, eventually going up a high road, and after shedding much weight to reach the pinnacle, we went and visited my grandparents house at the top.

As I write this out, suddenly I have that “Ahah” moment. The grandparents at the top of the mountain / plateau are those on my mom’s side (female). One has been suffering from Alzheimer’s and the other has passed. These both represent a part of me that has been lost over the years. My inner feminine side perhaps? Although I can’t be a female, I can at least work on those aspects of myself.

On the day of Sept 10 -11 leading up to this dream, I kept seeing syncros with regard to memory, remembering, etc.

With dreams, it would seem that if there were a message, it would not tell you that which you already know. I know I want my wife back. What I did not know, was that parts of me were lost or forgotten. I rarely think about my maternal grandparents.

As my wife and I were in the home of my maternal grandparents, they allowed us to borrow something. It was cash or something I think. The dream continued on….. and moving on from dream interpretation to invoking Lucid Dreams.

I read a book called Advanced Lucid dreaming. It explained so much that would have taken me years to understand on my own (all of this is part of my efforts to enter the Kingdom described under Luke 17:21).

I had went to bed last night around 11ish and had taken some supplements. Holy Basil, Gaba, and Valerian root to knock me out. I woke up around 3ish and took a very small amount of an herbal supplement called yohibmine. I was going to try the WILD technique for inducing Lucid dreams (19 hits). As I lay there, eventually my eyes were closed and I wasn’t sure if I was sleeping or was still awake - meaning I wondered if my body fell asleep.

I kept my eyes closed so as not to waste the 20 minutes or so of careful consciousness maintenance of keeping my mind awake as my body fell asleep. The slightest amount of light would reset the whole process. Eventually I decided that it wasn’t working so I kept my eyes closed and tried to get out of bed. The covers were wrapped around me and I had to struggle a bit to get them free from me. Finally freed of the covers I walked to the middle of my room and looked around. I thought to myself “Am I dreaming?”. I tried to verify by jumping. Gravity was still in effect. Suddenly though, I feel the haziness of dream world setting in and that feeling of losing control. My consciousness fades and I find myself awakening a few seconds later with the covers still on. Nice and tidy.

Fun. The good news is that I was successful at first attempt and I didn’t even use the supplements recommended by the book. I had to do some substitutions.

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