Glib Articulations

3 Weeks @ Home

2011-12-19T12:39:00.000-07:00

Well, my final day of work with my former employer came and went on November 21st. Last week I spent a week in Washington, DC, supporting a client event for my new employer. I have to say, I don't miss working full time. Not that I really thought I would. I enjoy spending time with two of my kids all day, and having the flexibility to attend my other two children's activities is nice as well. It still remains to be seen if this situation is going to work for us or not, but right now things are good.

Last Days

2011-11-18T07:42:00.000-07:00

As the days go by and my final day at work grows closer, it's funny the emotions that run through my mind. Over the course of 35 years. I have worked, I have not worked, I've stayed home with kids, I've traveled for various athletic events, I've stayed out late, and yada yada and so forth.

It's funny but it seems like some people don't understand the transition from working full-time to staying home with your children. Because there is a transition. When I am at work, I am largely free from the distractions of home, I don't have anyone screaming, "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" I don't have to break up any fights over pencils or counterspace, or get milk for anyone. I go to work. I do my job. Period. I can largely worry about the events going on at home, outside of the home, thus giving me time (usually) to think about them. Things will be different. I know what it's like to stay home, and while I am excited to spend more time with my kids, the two youngest, specifically, I am anxious about how this transition will go. How I will do at being a stay at home mom again.

I am, however, really looking forward to spending time with some great friends who I don't get to see very often because I have been working full-time. I am excited to get to know them better and for our children to have fun playing together. I am also looking forward to teaching my five-year-old some things and getting her ready for kindergarten next fall. There are a great many more things to look forward to than not, so, with that...

Wish me luck!

On a Roller Coaster Ride - Part Deux

2011-10-13T10:31:00.000-06:00

So, yesterday I talked about the horrific roller coaster ride I took as a child. Today I'd like to talk about the roller coaster ride I am currently taking as an adult. I know I've talked about this before. But, being a working mom is a challenge. So challengingly challengeful that I often consider just quitting and staying home with my children.

Well, it may only be a matter of time before I don't really have a choice. And everyone one who knows me, knows I don't like to be forced to do anything - even if it might be what I really want.

So, and I think I talked about this in an earlier post, my company lost my contract. Ok, I can deal with that. What I can't deal with is not knowing when or how I might get the dreaded, Lack of Work letter. I also can't deal with the roller coaster of emotion I've been on because of this whole situation. It affects everything I do. I basically spend all day looking for jobs right now. That is my job. To look for another job. But, and whenever something like this happens, I begin reflecting on my life and wonder - what the heck have I been doing with it?! I work in an office. I come home cranky and breathing fire (and that's on a good day). I worry about "excelling" when, honestly, all I want to do is have a moderate amount of success. Just enough to feel justified in leaving my children with someone else for most of the day, just so I can pay my bills and buy them food, have insurance, and maybe take them to the movies once in awhile. But are all of those things really that important? Ok, sure, buying food and paying bills are kind of a big deal. What about insurance? Am I crazy to think we can survive without insurance for awhile? Or, am I justified in breaking out into a cold sweat when I think about the possibility of having to survive the winter without it?

So, what to do? The longer it takes to find something to do, the more I think staying home with my children again would be heaven. Even if money would be excruciatingly tight. I would be with them. I would be taking care of them. Me. And that just feels right.

On a Rollercoaster Ride

2011-10-12T08:38:00.000-06:00

The first rollercoaster I ever rode was the big white one at Lagoon in Farmington, Utah, at the tender age of six. Let me recount how this came about and how the events of that day have scarred me for life.

This is it. The death tra..., I mean, funnest rollercoaster ever!

It was a sunny day in June. I'm pretty sure it was June. I mean, I was six, so who can really be sure? Our family was together for a "reunion" which was awesome. Yes, I am being serious. I love my family. And my family loves me. Well, at least I thought they did. Until they made me ride the big white death trap, I mean, rollercoaster.

While everyone else was chattering excitedly about getting into one of those rickety boxes they call "cars", I shivered off to the side sweating bullets over having to ride that thing. But I was the only one having a problem. Everyone was going on the ride. Including my mother. I didn't care. I did not want to go on that thing. And you weren't going to get me on it! No way! No how! So, we're all standing in line, my mom is continuing to try to persuade me to get in the car of death. "It will be fine," she says. "It's fun!" my aunt tells me. But I couldn't imagine how hurtling down hill the size of Mt. Rainierm with only a metal bar in front of me for protection could be fun. Fun?! "Are these people nuts?" I thought as my mother and other family members tried to bestow upon me the knowledge of just HOW. MUCH. FUN!!!!! I was going to have!!!!

Child's play. Right?

Right. This whole rollercoaster thing sounded like it was going to be about as much fun as being punched in the face.

Let me reiterate: there was no way I was getting on that thing no matter how much fun everyone said it would be. So while the rollercoaster may have been the size of this:

My six-year-old mind would swear up and down at the expense of losing television privileges for a week that it really was more like this:

The roller coaster of doom.

Did I mention that while my family was trying to convince me to get on this wild bastion of "fun" that we were also standing in line? Yep. And after 20 minutes of trying to coerce me into riding the dang thing...it was our turn to get on. I put up one last grasp to try to be absolved of being forced to ride the hell chicken of death. But alas, to my great dismay, I got on the roller coaster. I sat down. I buckeled up. And as soon as the rickety, sixty-year-old monster started to move, I screamed.

I proceeded to scream the entire time. Not the sort of, "oh, I'm a little bit scared, but secretly feeling exhilarated by this very bad choice..." kind of screaming. No. I'm talking blood curdling, "I want off this thing immediately, if not sooner!" Type of screaming. I feel bad for my mother who just wanted to have a little fun and thought that once I actually got on the thing would be okay. Because I wasn't. I screamed like someone was cutting my arms and legs off. Fortunately, there was a nice man sitting in front of us who felt bad that my mother had such a crazy, loudly screaming child sharing the car with her. That man sat turned around for the entire ride, trying to help my mother calm me down. It was a valiant attempt on both their parts. But I didn't stop screaming until the ride stopped. And even then it took a few minutes.

So, how did this experience scar me for life? Well, in the 29 years since I took that fateful ride on the Roller Coaster, as it is called at Lagoon, I can count on one hand the amount of amusement park rides I have ridden in my life. There have been exactly three rides since then. One was the Octopus at Wild Waves, in Federal Way, Washington. The Gravitron, at the Puyallup Fair in Washington. And...wait for it...the roller coaster at Six Flags in Denver, CO. I hate rides so much that I have to wait ten years between rides to get over the fright they give me. That coaster ride in Denver took place about eight years ago...so I guess I better gear up for another ride in the near future.

Going Outside and North Korean Rice Patties

2011-09-23T10:47:00.000-06:00

Each and every day is an adventure in the Hawkins household. Whether it's someone asking me to sign something for them, find them a sock, making them a sandwich, read them a book, or lasso a dinosaur, there is literally not a moment of boredom in my house. At least, not for me.

My kids, on the other hand, can somewhat often be heard saying, "I'm bored."

What to do as a parent when the beautiful angel that you love with your entire soul says those two words?!

What. To. Do?

Well, I'm sure some of you might suggest a fun activity, play a game with your child, or decide to bake a few dozen cookies with them to take to the neighbor's house. To you, I say, well done. You will go down in the history books as parent of the year, while I languish in Boredomville with my annoy...I mean, entertainment-challenged children.

So what is my answer to my childen? Since they could only muster the strength to mutter two words, I too, return with a duo of my own, "Go outside!" Then starts the blank stares, the looks of "do I have to?!" It feels like I've sentenced my child to ten years hard labor in a North Korean rice patty. It's as if I've spoken to them in a dialect of Pashtun only a street vendor in Kabul could possibly understand. Their cries of "it's too hot!" no longer penetrate my out facade of not caring. Asking your child to play in 110-degree heat with 80+ humidity is, admittedly, inviting distaster. "But, it's FALL," I wearily fire back. And, indeed, while today is the first day of Fall, I actually said this last week, when, it was technically still summer, but felt more like Fall, because the temperature was only 72. I think that qualifies as Fall. Yes. Fall it was, a week before it actually began.

Anyway.

Four more words said back to my now quivering six-year-old, who really, really, REALLY just wants to be left alone to play on his DS, "Put a jacket on!" Which he does. Reluctantly, he goes outside, fiddles around in the backyard, where we do not have a monster (or any size) swing set, where we do not have a single tree (I want to change this), but we do have rocks! Rocks, mind you, are the building, ahem, block of imagination. I mean, where did the wheel come from? A rock. Talk about changing human history! If my child could just harness his inner creator, we might have a multi-million dollar legacy on our hands. He could change the lives of millions of people, if he would just GO OUTSIDE!.

So, as mentioned above, he finally does go outside. For about five minutes. Five. At which point he comes inside because he needs a drink. "Why do you need a drink?" I ask. "Because I'm thirsty," is his feeble reply. "Thirsty from doing what?!" I ask calmly. "Playing," he says, exasperated at what was undoubtedly the stupidest question he had been asked in the last five minutes. So he gets a drink. And I tell him to go back outside. This happens a couple more times. For various reasons.

At which point, I give up. Next time I think we'll just bake a few dozen cookies.

Living to Work? Or...Working to Live?

2011-09-12T13:48:00.000-06:00

I'm going to state right now that if anyone's response to this blog is to tell me to straight out quit my job - save your time - I'm not really looking for advice right now. Just venting, honestly.

I work as a contractor. That means that the work I do is based on a successful contract bid that provides me with a job for a stated amount of time. My company just lost the contract I've been working on for the past three years. Now what? ("Contractor" in this instance, does not mean someone who builds houses or other buildings for a living).

As I said above, please do not tell me to just quit my job. I don't work because I enjoy the glory of being searched before every trip I take. I don't work because I enjoy leaving my children at home. And I don't work for the sheer glory of climbing the corporate ladder. I work because I have to. Finances dictate that I work, unless we seriously want to eat ramen forever...and two of my kids are already really small...they need the meat that a second job provides. Do I like knowing the degree I earned from Utah State University is actually being put to use? Yes. But, please, save your judgement of the working class until you've been in my shoes. Sometime, quitting is not the answer.

That said, I am feeling a conundrum. Work? Stay home? If I work, we have more money. If I don't work, we have less. Oh, and no insurance. Hmmm. Insurance, four kids...seems like a job is a good idea.

Quitting work is tempting, don't get me wrong. And, seriously, in a few weeks, I may not have choice. So, I've put together two budgets. Me working...good. Me not working...not so good. We basically can't cover everything we would need to, oh, and we wouldn't have insurance. That sucks, doesn't it? The answer is yes. Having been in that position in the past I will tell you that having insurance is by far the better choice/situation.

When I was informed of the news that we no longer had the long-standing contract the company had worked on for the past 15 years, I was actually happy. I won't have to travel anymore! Maybe I'll get to do something new! But now that my prospects seem to either be, stop working, move to Afghanistan, or move to the East Coast...I'm honestly not feeling so hot. I ponder on things I could do to bring in income if I weren't working for a corporation. Things like substitute teaching, pizza delivery, and daycaring have come to mind. But really, only one seems feasible, and the other two, well, I'm sure people like eating their pizza warm, and having their kids taken care of someone who enjoys doing that. I love my kids...other people's...can...be...a.....challenge.

So, I guess this was just really my way of venting the situation out of my head. I am confident that this will all be for the best and that everything will work out just fine. But, in the wee hours of the night, when I'm by myself, I'm not always so sure...

School Daze

2011-08-22T07:36:00.000-06:00

Summer is over. Seriously. It seems like it went in a flash. We are nearing three children in school. Brooklyn is probably going to do another year of preschool and then next year it's off to kindergarten! Gabe still has a few years to go, and then everyone will be in school. We went to Kohl's the night before school started to get the kids each a new outfit. I can't imagine what it will be like to buy new clothes for all four kids when the time comes. I'm going to have to plan that out and be strategic about what I buy and when I buy it.

The kids are starting at a new school this year. Lansing elementary. I've heard great things about it ever since we moved here five years ago and now since the move into the new house we are finally able to go there. It's funny because we live in Leavenworth, but we're in the Lansing school district. And for those of you that don't live around here, it's funny because the two towns are both pretty small, so the fact that our neighborhood, though located in Leavenworth, is in the Lansing school district.

Anyway, I hope things go as well as everyone says they will. I became a member of the PTA and plan on being as involved as I can this year, which will be a challenge due to my travel schedule. But, gotta do what I gotta do.

Here's to hoping your children enjoy a fun, and as frustration-free school year as possible!

Families Vacations are Forever

2011-07-06T10:16:00.000-06:00

Our family took a vacation together from 22 June - 2 July. Our family went crazy together for roughly 11 days. Three of which were spent enjoying the company of 50 members of my husbands family, which, for the record, does not mean it was "extended" family, per say. There were aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, brothers, sisters and the like. Our children enjoyed playing with the cousins they never get to see, except the every two years our family gets together to celebrate being a Hawkins. And, really, who wouldn't want to do that?! The day we left Kansas was the day after Jared returned home from a three-week work trip to North Carolina. I was finishing up a big project at work and had little time to pack everything. Never fear. It only took us the morning of the 22nd to wash clothes, pack them, buy snacks, get the van's oil changed and tires rotated, and we were off for Utah!

On the way there, we drove straight through. Meaning, we were on the road, in the van, for roughly 18 hours. 18. Hours. We left Leavenworth at 5:00 PM and arrived in Wellsville, UT at 11:30 AM the next day. To my children's credit, they traveled very well! Sure, half the time was spent sleeping, but still, they did great. Fortunately, our family owns a small army of Nintendo DSs, so they were thoroughly entertained the whole way.

The reunion took place from the 23rd to the 26th. Our family stayed with Jared's parents, which was where the daily festivities took place. They own a very nice piece of land that is well suited for having large numbers of people come over and play volleyball, lounge in the sun, ride a wagon train, throw water balloons, eat, drink and generally have a merry time. Everyone left on the 26th to head back to California, Nevada, and Arizona, and to continue on with their lives until the next reunion comes up, in July 2013.

I love visiting with my husband's family. But, I was also able to make a visit to my grandmother's house on our way home from a day trip down to Salt Lake City. My mother's mother is the last surviving grandparent that I have. She is a beautiful, sweet lady who on 1 July celebrated her 80th birthday. Sadly, it was the second birthday she has had to celebrate without my beloved grandfather, who passed away two years ago. Still, during our conversation she noted how she had spent all day in the garden (a passion they shared together) and her work showed. Each row of beans and corn was tenderly tended to and looked well on its way to providing a good bit of food later this summer.

Too bad the kids ruined everything. Well, I shouldn't say that. You see, we had spent all day dragging the kids around downtown Salt Lake and our youngest, Gabriel (cute pictures are in other posts), was pooped. He was not a happy camper and we only got to spend about an hour with my grandma. It was nice to see her, though I couldn't help noticing that the house was more quiet without my grandfather there. And I could tell that she misses him. Which is the way it should be...after all...they were married for 61 years.

After visiting with my grandmother, and a subsequent trip to a local florist to buy her flowers and a trip back to her home to give them to her, we drove back to Cache Valley. The next few days were spent being pretty lazy, honestly. Jared helped his parents around the house with a few things, while the kids played and I played and we just basically had a good time together. We drove back beginning the morning of 1 July. I told Jared that I did not want to drive straight through, so we made a reservation and stayed at a hotel in Lakewood, CO. While we were there we were able to stop by and see some friends of ours, while also checking on the house that we own, which is occupied by renters. We went back to the hotel, and while Jared took Sydney and Roman swimming, Brooklyn and Gabriel and I hung out in the hotel room, watching television and reading books. The next morning we left for Kansas and arrived later that night.

Our vacation wasn't a very lavish one. We didn't fly to Hawaii or get to ride on the back of a dolphin. But we did spend some good quality family time together, and I hope these are the trips that my children always remember.

2011-06-13T08:13:00.000-06:00

This is a great video. Straight forward and encouraging, not preachy.

I Like Fun

2011-06-06T07:28:00.003-06:00

Made it through the weekend by myself with all of the kids. I know. This should come as a surprise, seeing as I'm a totally awesome mom and stuff. Truth is, it's not that easy. Four kids, one mom = plenty of trying times. But I work through it, and usually by Monday morning I've realized I was probably more uptight than I should have been and resolve to do better. I have goals, you see. Goals are what make life worth living. And if my only goal is to get my four-year-old to eat dinner without whining one time, I say that's something worth living for.

But I digress.

We have what you might call an "untraditional situation at our house." Not only do my husband and I both work full time, we both travel for those full time jobs as well. Chaos you say? No. Yes. Well, maybe. Sometimes. It's all about balance. When I start getting cranky and uptight, I know something is out of balance. Usually it's me. So, I take a time out. Inevitably one of my children will try to come find me. "Mommy?" I'll hear echoing down the hall, or outside the bathroom. To which I will reply, "Mommy needs a time out, sweetie. I'll be out in a minute." Then said child will relay the message to the rest of the tribe and I'll receive at least a few minutes of solitude.

I don't have any great wisdom in how to deal with two spouses that travel and maintaining the care of four children in the mean time. Suffice it to say that we wing it. Seriously. If I have to fly someone in to take care of the kids and it makes sense economically, I'll do it. My mom has been summoned on more than one occasion to help us out when our trips overlap by more than a couple of days. If they only overlap by a day or two, our childcare provider is really good about helping out. Which saves me the time and energy of planning a trip for my mother. But, it's nice that she can come out when or if we need her too. Living 1849.85 miles away (yes, I know the mileage) kind of put a sense of urgency into wanting my children to know their grandparents.

I like fun. And if I can swing it, having a grandma come out to watch the kids is all kinds of it. And I am glad that I have the resources to pull this off, sometimes. The kids love it and I know my mom does too.

Why You Should Totally Follow My Blog

2011-06-03T13:06:00.003-06:00

Well, there are a few reasons, actually.

1. I truly enjoy writing, but more than that, I enjoy having conversations. Conversations about the topics I write about and conversations in general. I don't necessarily purport to be the leading authority on anything. I have four children, so, you know, I have some experience in the mom department. I'm married, so, you know, I have some experience in the wife department. Nearly 11 years, mind you. But when it comes right down to it, I just enjoy writing. I haven't really felt like doing it much for a long time, but something has sparked me lately and I feel like writing again.

2. I have a journalism degree. That guarantees that I will at least spell 95% of my words correctly, as well as using them in the right context. I can probably punctuate things fairly well also. I still reserve the right to have a blunder once in awhile, hence the left over 5%.

3. I think I have an interesting life. And, I think you just might agree. Sure, it's not glamorous. I don't shop at Saks, or dine at fine restaurants (often). It is anything but ordinary though and it would be really fun to have you come along for the ride with me. Come on!

P.S. Did I mention I have four kids? Yeah. You should definitely follow me!

Could Political Correctness Be a Good Thing?

2011-05-31T10:24:00.003-06:00

I know this topic does not bode well for good conversation. But, please hear me out. I've been thinking about this for a few weeks now and feel I finally have my thoughts gathered enough to provide an argument for why political correctness may actually be a good thing.

Some history first though.

I have, and for the most part, continue to be against the concept of being "politically correct." I have viewed being politically correct as something that celebrates mediocrity, an edict that gives something to everyone, regardless of if they deserve it or not. An act that rewards those who don't try as hard as others for the sake of not hurting feelings. I grew up playing sports. Soccer, basketball, tennis, etc. I ran track. I am competitive in many aspects of my life. And like someone who is competitive, I saw my rewards (championships, accolades, scholarships) as something I was entitled to, because I had worked hard, because I had expended the energy and shed the blood, sweat, and tears associated. I paid the price for the bounty I received, so to speak.

But what of those who put in the work and aren't blessed as I was? What of those who don't know that they aren't putting in the work? What of those who actually don't put in the work and still expect something in return?

I can't answer all of those questions. At least, not as satisfactorily as I would like. But those questions are what got me to thinking that maybe political correctness isn't so bad after all. I mean, we put such an emphasis on being "the Best" at everything we do. I have to be the best mother, father, teacher, worker, friend, dog-walker, beach-comber, businessman. But, I think sometimes we lose sight of becoming the best person we can be. And if giving encouragement in the form of a trophy to a six-year-old who rode the bench the entire season, or the team that came in dead last and picked dandelions all season is what it takes to give someone something to feel good about, then what is wrong with that? Sure, there may be residual thoughts of how their team wasn't number one, they didn't win a game, but they will remember that they participated on something. They were a part of a team. It should, if the intentions are good, propel them on to wanting to do better in something else, so that earning accolades in the future will bear more weight.

I think there is a tendency to celebrate winning too much. After all, how many of us feel like we've won every single day of our lives? Sometimes celebrating the seeming mediocrity of having a job to go back to tomorrow isn't so mediocre after all. Someone else probably wasn't so lucky. Should we always strive to be our best? Of course! But is there not also room to realize that every day is not going to be absolutely spectacular and that a parade probably isn't going to be thrown in our honor. Is there not something to be said for embracing the "mediocrity" that makes up every day life?

I have four children. Every day they wake up and I have to feed them breakfast. I have to make sure they get dressed. I have to make sure they are taken care of, that they have all of their toes and fingers and that there isn't anything wrong with them. What a blessing it is to find that 99.9% of the time, they are perfect! I am grateful for that every day! I am grateful that I have them every day!

So, what's the whole point of this post? I guess it's to remind everyone that you probably aren't a celebrity. You don't have someone doing your hair for you, or your make up, cooking your meals, and bathing your children. Those are all things you have to do yourself. Isn't it remarkable that you are able to take care of yourself? Isn't it lovely that every day you wake up and have a way of buying food?

Remember these mediocre days. Because when you look back on them they will be extraordinary.

P.S. My original thoughts for this post included more specifics about why I think political correctness may actually be okay. The one that I remember most was that our Father in Heaven loves each and every one of us and I bet sometimes He wishes we weren't so hard on ourselves and each other.

Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I'm Mine!

2011-05-20T08:45:00.002-06:00

I sign up for and I sign a lot of things. Magazines. Field trips. Fundraisers. Parental permission ship forms. Checks. Notes to teachers. Letters (yes, I still hand-write letters). Notebooks my children bring home from their teachers. I am responsible for a lot of stuff. And, sometimes...I get overwhelmed. Not just whelmed, over-whelmed. So, I decided this morning that I've got to find a way to feel less whelmed, and more excited about life. Try to think about the good things. Try to focus on the positive. The thing is that some negative things have happened this week. I turned 35, and while not really negative (because my birthday is my favorite holiday) a couple of things happened that weren't exactly positive.

The first thing is that I found out that some good friends of ours are getting divorced. I cannot tell you how sad this makes me, every time I hear it. And, honestly, I've been hearing it a little too much. I know things happen, and I don't pass judgement, because goodness knows that Jared and I's marriage is far from perfect. But, every time I hear about someone I know getting divorced, it makes me wonder about my own marriage and if I am doing the kinds of things that are lending strength to it, or slowly breaking it down. We don't do a lot of the things that we should do together, and we need to get better at that. I also need to get better at not letting things bother me to the point that I explode and rain down destruction upon those around me. It happens, I admit it. The point of mentioning this is that we are truly saddened when we hear of friends who are getting divorced, because we love them and know that they are going through a really hard time that we can't really do much about.

The second thing that I found out about on my birthday is that someone I grew up with was involved in a terrible car accident. And while he and the other driver survived, his four-year-old daughter, his only daughter, did not. Now, if you are reading this and have any connection to this family, I do not mean to exploit your pain for any gain. I write simply to inform all five of the people who look at this blog that life is precious. Life is a gift.

Life is unfair and hard.

No one should have to endure the pain of losing a child. But it happens. No one should have to feel the burden of living life without someone who was there yesterday and gone today. But, it is a burden many face every day.

I have two daughters. One of which is four-years-old. I love that little girl. And I cherish that little girl. I imagine the pain my friend and his wife are going through. But that is all I can do, because they are in territory few people go to in their lives. They will need the support of their families and friends and a loving Heavenly Father to get them through the pain and to cling to the three children still here, three boys whom I know they also love and cherish very much.

Few details have emerged about the accident itself. But what I do know is that my friend was not at fault, and that he does not remember the accident. And even though he lays in a hospital bed, recovering from the injuries he sustained, his reaction has been to reach out to the other driver, a 24-year-old woman, and tell her that he forgives her. Remarkable. Though, coming from this young man, I am not surprised. Even when we were kids, he was always so gentle and kind and willing to help anyone in need. Even now, in what to my knowledge is the worst tragedy of his life, he reaches his hand out to the one who has caused the pain. So Christ-like. The kind of person I want to be.

We sign up for lots of things in life. But, sometimes, it's the things we don't sign up for that have the biggest impact.

What Have You Done?

2011-05-19T08:38:00.002-06:00

1. Started your own blog 2. Slept under the stars 3. Played in a band 4. Visited Hawaii 5. Watched a meteor shower 6. Given more than you can afford to charity 7. Been to Disneyland 8. Climbed a mountain 9. Held a praying mantis 10. Sang a solo 11. Bungee jumped 12. Visited Paris 13. Watched a lightning storm at sea 14.Taught yourself an art from scratch 15. Adopted a child 16. Had food poisoning 17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty 18.Grown your own vegetables 19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France 20. Slept on an overnight train 21. Had a pillow fight 22. Hitch hiked 23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill 24. Built a snow fort 25.Held a lamb 26. Gone skinny dipping 27. Run a Marathon 28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice 29. Seen a total eclipse 30. Watched a sunrise or sunset 31. Hit a home run 32. Been on a cruise 33. Seen Niagara Falls in person 34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors 35. Seen an Amish community 36. Taught yourself a new language 37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied 38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person 39. Gone rock climbing 40. Seen Michelangelo’s David 41. Sung karaoke 42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt 43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant 44. Visited Africa 45. Walked on a beach by moonlight 46. Been transported in an ambulance 47. Had your portrait painted 48. Gone deep sea fishing- 49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person 50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris 51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling 52. Kissed in the rain 53. Played in the mud 54. Gone to a drive-in theater 55. Been in a movie- 56. Visited the Great Wall of China 57. Started a business 58. Taken a martial arts class 59. Visited Russia 60. Served at a soup kitchen 61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies 62. Gone whale watching 63. Got flowers for no reason 64.Donated blood, platelets or plasma 65. Gone sky diving 66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp 67. Bounced a check 68. Flown in a helicopter 69. Saved a favorite childhood toy 70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial 71. Eaten Caviar 72. Pieced a quilt 73. Stood in Times Square 74. Toured the Everglades 75. Been fired from a job 76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London 77. Broken a bone 78. Been on a speeding motorcycle 79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person 80. Published a book 81. Visited the Vatican 82. Bought a brand new car 83. Walked in Jerusalem 84. Had your picture in the newspaper 85.Read the entire Bible 86. Visited the White House 87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating 88. Had chickenpox 89. Saved someone’s life 90. Sat on a jury 91. Met someone famous 92. Joined a book club 93. Lost a loved one 94. Had a baby 95. Seen the Alamo in person 96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake 97. Been involved in a law suit 98. Owned a cell phone 99. Been stung by a bee

Why Book Club Rocks

2011-05-19T07:51:00.002-06:00

Book Club rocks because, well, it just does. But, if you need a few more concrete reasons. Here you go:

1. It's the opportunity to have grown women meet together to discuss a book, or to just chat in general. Yesterday my the Leavenworth Ladies Book Club reviewed the book The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks. It was a book I recommended, so I was very happy when it seemed that each of our members truly enjoyed the book and were eager to discuss the many ins and outs of it. It was truly a remarkable, well-written book. If you haven't read it, I definitely recommend a read.

2. I have a house big enough to host everyone, and their children! And all of them seem to get along, which makes it that much better to be the host. Because, frankly, it wouldn't be so much fun if all of the kids were fighting with each other the whole time. Also, the kids don't totally destroy my house: which is AWESOME! Honestly, I would have second thoughts about hosting if I had to clean up after a disaster once a month.

3. It's just nice to talk to other adult women. Sure, I work outside the home, but not everyone I work with is very interesting, nor very socially adept. The women of my group are engaging and highly interesting. Each have their own challenges and interests, and I truly enjoy hearing about all of it.

4. Reading is FUN! And fundamental! I love to read. I have always loved reading and I think being a part of a book club is an excellent example to my children at the joy and fun reading can truly be. I have longed to share my opinions and thoughts about a book I've read only to have it fall on deaf ears because the person I was talking with hadn't read the book, nor did they have any interest to. It's also nice that everyone in our group doesn't like the same kind of books, but we are all able to agree on next month's read pretty easily. It's just plain good old-fashioned fun.

There you have it: why book club rocks! I am grateful for the opportunity I have to be a part of the Leavenworth Ladies Book Club, and hope we are able to maintain it for a long time to come.

Summer Reading List 2011

2011-05-11T08:58:00.013-06:00

Summer Reading List ... 2001 Edition!

I know what you're thinking. And, yes, Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber do make a cute couple.

But seriously, let's ta

lk about re

ading. More specifically, about reading books. Now, I know you all are saying, "But, Trina, how will I ever finish one book, let alone read five by the end of the Summer?" My answer to you, my friend? Just do it. Or not. The choice is yours. However, I love to read. A

ll kinds of books. But mostly non-fiction. Boring you say? No way! I've learned about everything from how the South lost the Civil War, to how the United States was reshaped by immigrants, to how penguins fin

d one mate to love forever.

Forever! I do enjoy fiction as well. But, it has to have a believable quality to it, you know? No Science Fiction for me, or Fantasy. I haven't read a single Harry Potter book, nor do I plan to, but I love all of the movies.

I read a lot during the year. Sometimes I read more than others. Recently I finished Tina Fey's book Bossypants:

Good clean, well, not completely clean, fun! I enjoyed it immensely, and it was a quick read at 277 pages. I also

ently finished reading: The Help, which was totally enthralling, if somewhat hard to read at times. It just blows my mind how people have treated each other in this world. I hope that so

me day we will wake up and realize that we are all brothers and sisters, all after the same things, we just have different ways of getting to where we're going. Anyway, I'm off the soapbo

x now. Here, in no particular order, are the five books I plan on reading this Summer:

1. Does the Noise in My Head Bother You? by Steven Tyler. No, this is not your mama's biography. I already know that there is going to be some not so nice la

nguage in it. But I can't help it. Being an Aerosmith fan, and having read the reviews that I've read, I am looking forward to it.

2. Cinderella Ate My Daughter, by Peggy Orenstein. It's about what a girl should be, or shouldn't be, or should not maybe want to be someday. Or, how the Cinderella culture has or hasn't pervaded our culture and how it has or hasn't affected the self esteem of our daughters. Good stuff! Women's Lib, yeah!

3. Henry and Ribsy, by Beverly Cleary. Yep.

4. Reading Lolita in Teheran, by Azar Nafisi. I've actually owned this book for a couple of years and was supposed to read it for my book club a couple of years ago. It never happened. Sometimes you pick up a book

and start reading and it just doesn't click. That's what happened with this book. I'm ready to give it another shot though, wish me luck!

5. Not sure yet. Actually. Will follow up with another blog to let you know.

Happy Reading!

Facebook

2011-04-26T08:12:00.005-06:00

So, I had to shut down my Facebook page the other day. I know. You're heartbroken. It seems someone I was "friends" with decided that because me and some other people who actually are friends went to lunch without her that we were somehow excluding her from a non-existent "club" and we were therefore made to suffer the inability to see her wall posts. The horror! So, I fired back and blocked her from seeing mine. So highschool. Anyway, can you guess what the next move was? Yep! She unfriended me! Well, not just me, a couple of dozen or so other people that we were "mutual friends" with got the boot as well.
So I decided I need to take a break for awhile. I may come back. I may not. I'll feel bad if I don't so I probably will. Because there are lots of friends and family that I keep in contact with through that darned thing.

But for now, let's just say Facebook and I are "on a break." You know. Like Rachel and Ross. Only I probably won't sign up for an account on another service and consider switching indefinitely.

The funny thing is...I'm glad. Because for the past year she and I have had a tenuous relationship at best, one that had gone from inseparable, to light years away. So, I guess I shouldn't be upset, right? Well, the truth is, I am. I don't want to be, but I suppose it's only natural. Here I am almost 35-years-old and I feel the way I can only assume a 16-year-old would feel when, hoping to get a brand new car for their birthday, ends up with their grandma's used canary yellow Honda Civic, with 150,000 miles and doilies covering the dashboard. I probably feel a little bit like the baby right over there.

Sometimes you just want to sit with your chin on the palm of your hand and wonder, what gives? Sometimes life just isn't what it's all cracked up to be. Friendships come and go. Disappointments are, hopefully, few and far between. But there are still good things. Thankfully, I have wonderful people in my life that I can truly call friends and know that if I happen to go out to lunch with someone else, won't abandon me like a cheap suit at a flea market.

I have a wonderful husband who listens to me and lets me rant about things I think are stupid and then hugs me when I'm all done. I have beautiful children (four of them!) that are smart, silly, thoughtful, artistic and genuinely interested in knowing how my day went. So, there you have it. Why I left Facebook. I know you were dying to know. And I was just dying to tell you. Or, I needed to get this out of my system so that I can truly move on to bigger and better friendships that have more meaning and depth than wondering whether or not someone likes my status update about sweet potato french fries, the fact that I've found myself liking my own bubble, or the new position I mastered at yoga class.

Social media. It can't make up for what you lack in becoming a real friend to someone.

Happiness

2011-03-28T10:44:00.002-06:00

"I cannot believe that the purpose in life is to be "happy". I think the purpose of life is to be useful, to be responsible, to be compassionate. It is, above all, to matter and to count, to stand for something, to have made some difference that you lived at all." - Leo C. Rosten

I read this quote today. For a long time I believed that my single goal in life was to be happy. After reading this quote I realized that the only way to really, truly achieve this goal was to serve others. Interesting, isn't it? It seems like a fairly easy concept to understand. Serve others, you'll be happy. Hmm. I admit that I had to think about this. I've long strived to understand how to be happy. How to be happy in regards to my family life, my work life, my marriage, and my friendships. I don't always make the right decisions. I don't always do the right thing. But I try to. And that is what we have been asked to do: Try. Try with all your might to do your best. When you feel like you can't try anymore, do it anyway. Try and keep trying.

The word "try" does not mean you will do it perfectly every time. It does not mean you will make everyone happy. It does not mean you will achieve happiness and continue to stay happy. Trying means, that you accept the Savior's admonishing to strive for perfection. Strive every day. Strive when you feel like you can't stive anymore, because when you stop...you are not the only one affected by your choice. Your family, your friends, your co-workers, are affected. They are affected because your attitude will change. Your demeanor will change. And when your demeanor changes, people notice. Heavenly Father notices.

Do your best every day. Strive for happiness by helping others. Forget yourself.

It Has Been a Long Time

2011-03-11T09:41:00.002-07:00

Well, followers, I haven't written anything for a long time. I know. Guess my creative energy was being spent elsewhere. Just where, well, I'm not sure. That said, apparently there is a craze afoot in which non-Mormon women are fascinated by Mormon women's fabulous and ooey gooey blogs inhabiting essentially every corner of the Internet. I can tell you, this is not such a blog. However, it has given me an idea...and that idea is to revamp this blog and turn it into something more people will want to read. Because, I've decided that I do have something to say, and gosh darn it, it's time people started reading it! So, be on the lookout for a revamped blog to be coming soon. Revamped is a fun word to say. But I digress.

I have a lot going on. I am married to a wonderful man who sometimes makes me want to tear my hair out, but whom I love with all my heart. I have children who are as different as they can be from one another and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Our family has been busy. We just bought a house. We both travel for our jobs. Our youngest just turned 1. But, with all of that going on, I am proud to tell you that my children, my beautiful, fun-loving, Sponge-Bob watching children, love to eat salmon. Yes, salmon.

And with that, stay tuned.

I Have Hopes and Dreams

2010-10-05T11:51:00.002-06:00

"It is with regret that I am telling you that I am just not ready to start a Masters Degree program. I thought I was. Had built myself up to think I was. And, really, I'm not. I am still thoroughly interested in Gonzaga, and would like to sign up for the program in the future. But not right now. There are just too many things going on and I don't think I could deal with taking masters-level courses, working full-time, traveling, raising four children and having my husband do the same. It would be crazy, and I'm trying to limit the crazy in my life right now. I do appreciate your help and understanding. Indeed, Gonzaga has a great reputation and I look forward to someday attending. Just not right now. I appreciate your help. Best of luck!"

That's the email I sent this afternoon to Jeff, the admissions counselor I had been working with at Gonzaga University . I was looking for entrance into the school's online Communications & Leadership master's degree program. Jeff was super nice, very helpful, and excited to get me started on the road to a masters degree. And so was I. I was excited because it has always been a goal of mine to get a master's degree. When I was in my 20s, and was on the verge of graduating with a bachelor's degree, one of the next things on my list was to get a master's degree. I am now 34-years-old and it hasn't happened. Yet.

I graduated from college when I was 22. By the time I was 24 I was married. And by the time I was 26 I was a mother. Those things were certainly on my list of goals as well. They just came earlier than I expected. Lest I come off as someone who is wistfully dreaming of her youth and how she would do things over again if only she could, I assure you that nothing is further from my mind. I love being the wife of a man who adores me. I beam with pride at the fact that I have four children - FOUR - who are beautiful, loving, healthy, and full of energy! I love that I get hugs from them every day. I even love it when they all try to talk to me at the same time so that I can't actually hear any of them but they all have something very important to say and so I try to listen. I don't ever feel that I made the wrong choice to get married or have children. I don't think the other five people in my life keep me from fulfilling my dreams in any way, shape, or form. They enhance my life - greatly. In fact, it is because of them that I even have goals and dreams.

Sure, I want to be better for myself. But I also want to be better for them. They deserve a wife and mother who has ambition, who has drive and who has curiosity. But, they also deserve a wife and mother who has time for them. Who can pay attention when they talk. Who can take time to listen to their hopes and dreams and to help them fulfill them. To watch a butterfly float through the air, or any number of other seemingly mundane, but priceless things. I have already had a lot of dreams fulfilled in my life. And I know many more will be accomplished as well.

It's not that I'm putting off getting a master's degree because of my family. I'm putting it off because I know my limitations. And I know that working full-time in a job that requires me to travel, being married to a man whose job also requires him to travel, raising four children, getting said children to and from their own events, and making dinner once in awhile, is about all I can handle right now. I won't apologize, because this is where my choices have led me. And I couldn't be happier about it! Knowing what you want is one thing. Knowing how to get it is another. And knowing what is personally possible for yourself and acting upon it is a priceless gift one can only receive from themselves.

Dreams don't disappear once you have a family. They just might take a little longer to accomplish - and that's okay.

For Realz

2010-08-17T06:37:00.002-06:00

You know them. People who refuse to be interrupted. People who must say what is on their mind for fear that their brilliant thought will be lost to the ethos if it doesn't reach the ears of everyone within a 25-foot diameter. They might be the clerk at the grocery store. The counter attendant at the DMV. Your mother. Your spouse. Your best friend. The random homeless man asking you for change and telling you about how he used to be a successful business man as you try to cross the street in the middle of Seattle. Whoever they are, you've met them. And they can be annoying. Not so much because they're talking, but because they simply refuse to be interrupted, even when it would be in their best interest. I've met one such person this week.

I won't use names. But, I will try to describe him. He is a member of the armed forces. He is short, balding and sort of mild mannered. Except for the times he wants his voice to be heard. Which is every time he opens his mouth. Granted, he is a smart person. Granted, he has obviously worked hard to get where he is in his life. And, granted, he is the same height as me, so obviously he has some shortcomings he wishes to make up for.

I get it.

However, when you can't have an adult conversation (no, not that "adult conversation," you're naughty), with someone who knows when they should shut up and when what they have to say will actually make a difference, it chaps my hide.

Especially because he refuses to be cut off by anyone during a conversation, yet does it all the time to everyone else. Hmm...if you ask me, that's lame. And uncalled for. And bullyish. But, maybe he's not trying to be that way. Maybe his childhood is filled with being kept quiet, being told to go away, being told his opinion didn't matter. And now that he is an adult, in a fairly high position in the Army...he's having his say.

I get that too.

There has to come a point though, where you recognize that just because you have something to say, it doesn't mean everyone has to hear it.

I don't think he gets that, however.

7 Delusional Brides for 7 Creepy Brothers...or Days of Our Lives?!

2010-08-12T19:41:00.005-06:00

Watched 7 Brides for 7 Brothers for the first time last night. Um, I'm still not quite sure how I feel about it. At first it seems like a charming little tale of boy meets girl, girl impresses boy with cooking, boy and girl get married. But it's so much more than that. 7 Brides for 7 Brother is also the madcap tale of deceit, betrayal and insanity!

This musical film about a backwoodsman and a sassy saloon cook, is so wrong on so many levels. First, Milly marries Adam after only knowing him for a few hours. Now, anyone who knows mine and my husband's story, knows we were engaged after having known each other a mere week. ENGAGED. Not married. That happened four months later. First red flag.

The second red flag is that big, strong, noble Adam...doesn't tell Milly that the cabin they are retreating to is infested with six more brothers who don't have the ability to talk to a girl, let alone any table manners. So, Milly sets out to learn the brothers some...so they can land some sweet fillies of their own.

Milly teaches the boys/men how to eat without clawing each others eyes out, how to speak to a woman without being slapped, and how to dance like Fred Astair. (though, I'm pretty sure they already knew how...you know, since the movie is a musical, and they were cast to play a part where they had to dance.) But that's besides the point.

At first, the brothers have a hard time changing from their "mountain man" ways, but eventually they come to see that the only way they will get a girl of their own is if they do things Milly's way. Enter the town barn raising. A time-less event where members of the community work together to help a newly settled family gain its roots. This is where the trouble comes in. The boys/men meet said fine fillies and figure they'll get them just like they do anything else: fighting. Dancing, punches and hard feelings ensue, as the brothers battle their mountain man ways and try to adhere to the standards set by Milly (who married their brother after a couple of hours) to try to get their girls.

As the barn raising progresses, the local towns folk who are currently courting the fillies take a disliking to the unknowns who have invaded their turf. So, what do they do? They start hitting them with hammers, dropping lumber on them and pushing them out of windows. Good times. So, the woodsman are chased out of town and they spend the ensuing months pouting over the lost girls they only knew for a mere period of hours.

Figuring hours are all you need to get to know and marry someone, big brother Adam decides to tell the boys about the "Sobbin' Women." Nice. So, basically, he's telling his younger brothers that if they want something bad enough, all they have to do is ride into town and capture it like a coon and it will love them forever. Not quite how it pans out, at least, not at first. And this is where I have problems. These mountain men go into town, lured the women they supposedly love (after knowing them for like, an hour) and take them kicking and screaming back to their log cabin in Timbuktoo. Hmmm...sounds like a recipe for disaster to me. But what do I know?!

At first, Milly is angry and makes all the boys sleep outside in the barn. Which makes Adam angry, so he takes off for the family's trapping cabin, which is in BFE. Oh, but wait...Milly's pregnant. Adam's youngest brother, Gideon (did I forget to mention each brother is named after someone or something in the bible?) goes up the canyon to tell him...what does Adam do? Thinks it's just a ploy to get him back. Uh, really? That's love.

To make a long story short...given time the kidnapped women fall in love with their captors and despite their townsfolk wanting them to come back the girls decide to stay. How, you may ask? Well, in the midst of being scrambled after and herded again by the brothers, a baby's cry is heard. Alice's father (a preacher) asks who the baby belongs to. And the girls all reply...drum roll please...MINE! Seriously. To which the townsfolk (read: men/fathers) "force" the couples to be married in a shotgun wedding ceremony. Yeah. So dreamy. Just what every girls hopes for. Saying her wedding vows at the point of a deadly weapon.

Overall, I give this movie a 2 out of 5 stars. Mostly because my kids liked it...why, I do not know. I'm still having nightmares.

Life is Good!

2010-08-09T20:20:00.006-06:00

Is it ever! Jared and I both have good paying jobs. The kids are happy and well taken care of. We live in a pretty place, there is a low cost of living here. So why do I feel like something is missing? Because there is. Pudding. There just isn't enough pudding in our house and it's frustrating. I love vanilla pudding. I know, I know. You're saying to yourself, "that's so boring," I beg to differ. Vanilla is one of the purest tastes on earth. it is decadent, smooth, and lovely! Chocolate is so pedestrian. So easily obtained. A good vanilla pudding though, my friends, is something to savor. Sure, you could dress it up with something fancy like pound cake, and blue berries and strawberries, and a wee sprig of mint. And sure, you could whip it up into a dreamy little concoction, like a pie. But why would you do that when you could simply enjoy vanilla pudding the way nature intended. In the form of a SnackPack. That's right, I said SnackPack. Oh, don't go pointing your nose in the air, like you're too good for a SnackPack. You're not. Because you know, as well as I do, that when there's nothing else in the house and it's 105-degrees outside, nothing tastes better than a cool, dreamy, vanilla-y plastic square cup full of vanilla goodness. They're so good you can't eat just one. So you eat a second. And since they're low in calories, you have a third, and well, the fourth one is just sitting there all by itself, its former carton-mates snarfed into a oblivion, so you decide to put the fourth out of its misery as well. You are satisfied. And all is right with the world. So, go on, don't be shy. The next time you're in the grocery store, looking for a tasty little snack, put down the Cheetos, resist the Pringles...and for goodness sake, just say no to the chocolate covered raisins! Grab a SnackPack...you won't regret it!

Healing, Part II

2010-05-07T10:26:00.001-06:00

RAINBOW CONNECTION
Kermit the Frog

Why are there so many
song about rainbows
And what's on the other side
Rainbow's are visions
They're only illusions
And rainbows have nothing to hide
So we've been told and some chose to
Believe it
But I know they're wrong wait and see

Someday we'll find it
The Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me

Who said that every wish
Would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star
Somebody thought of that
And someone believed it
And look what it's done so far
What's so amazing
That keeps us star gazing
What so we think we might see

Someday we'll find it
That Rainbow Connection
The lovers the dreamers and me

Have you been half asleep
And have you heard voices
I've heard them calling my name
Are these the sweet sounds that called
The young sailors
I think they're one and the same
I've heard it too many times to ignore it
There's something that I'm supposed to be

Someday we'll find it
The Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me

Healing, Part I

2010-05-03T13:56:00.003-06:00

When I received the news that my brother, Christian Shirl Morrison, had passed away, I was driving the family Chrysler Town and Country, by myself, on the 4th of July, 2009. My older brother, age 35, had finally succumbed to the constantly battle his body had been through since he was three days old. The first call I received was actually from my husband, Jared, telling me he needed me to come back to his parent's house. He didn't tell me the reason. And I didn't ask. I knew something was up, and it was something I was hoping to hear face-to-face. So, around I turned, it would take me about 15 minutes to get back to the home Jared's parents had moved to from Fresno, California 15 years earlier. Unfortunately, I didn't make it back before I received another phone call. This time from my mother. When I answered, I could hear the tears in her shaky voice. She said, "Chrissy passed away." I was driving at the time, mind you. When I had received the call from Jared, I knew something was up, but this, this was NOT what I was expecting. However, I should admit that perhaps that last statement is a little misleading. The fact of the matter is, I had been expecting, almost willing my brother's death to come for the past two years. He had been going downhill for at least the past year and it seemed like every time I talked to my mother there was something new to add to his condition. So, I would call every few days, get the update and then cry a little, knowing that it probably wouldn't be too long before we said goodbye to him.

I pulled the van over and told my mom to hang on. While I tried to get my tears under control, I received a call from my oldest brother, Barry, who had been the one to find Chris, gray and no longer breathing early that 4th of July morning. I ignored the call, got myself under control and talked some more to my mother, who was also in Utah with my father, they too had been visiting family. They were preparing to leave the next morning to drive back to Washington. After speaking for a few more minutes, I hung up with my mother and called Barry back. He was very matter-of-fact about what had happened. He went to check on Chris and found him unresponsive, called 911 and then called my parents. He was extraordinarily strong and I was proud of the way he was handling himself. I have always loved my oldest brother, even through the days when we used to get into fist fights.

I spoke to Barry for a few more minutes, and after I hung up, cried a bit and then decided it was time to get back to my husband our kids, and his family. We were in Utah for his family reunion and the Hawkins home was teeming with brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles and cousins of all ages. How was I supposed to deal with the phone call I had just received in the midst of a family reunion? Sometimes it would just be nice to get a handbook on how to handle stressful situations. As I drove, I tried to calm myself. Tried to think of what it would feel like to have to be around Jared's family after my own family member, 1,500 miles away, was no longer drawing breath. My big brother. Gone. I stole my nerves, pulled into the rocky driveway and sat in the driver's seat until Jared came to tell me what I already knew.

He said he felt bad that I had to find out while I was by myself. I thought to myself, briefly, that I was actually grateful I had found out on my own. It gave me a little bit of time to process the information. I felt it was a blessing, in a way. Maybe I'm crazy. No matter. He hugged me and we both cried. He asked me what I wanted to do and I told him I wanted to be alone for a little while. With none of my own family around, it was hard to know what to do so I reverted to what I do best...I hid. I went into one of the upstairs bedrooms, the one that had been my husband's, and I cried. I cried because of what was a tremendous, heart-breaking loss, and because I was happy my brother was finally free. Free from his crippled body, the one that had only allowed him to walk until his teenage years. The one that kept him from ever talking; never once being able to tell me he loved me, even though I told him that often. I cried for my parents, who had been the caretakers of my brother for 35 years. I cried in joy, and I cried in pain.

These are the feelings I still have, 10 months later. I don't know when it will end. Maybe it never will. My hope, by typing this out, in finally writing about it, is to tell people how I felt, how I feel and that in some small way, it will help me become a better daughter, sister, friend and human being. It might help me to uncover the person I truly am...and to finally be okay with it.