Yesterday was the fabled Whitney trip.  And I failed.  I didn’t make it to the top.

But then, is that really failure?  Goal #1 was everyone return safely, and that happened.  Goal #2 was to summit.  And isn’t this what I always do?  Put more weight in secondary goals and become upset when they’re not met, ignoring the primary, often eternally-significant goals?  ‘Those who’re most focused on Heaven are most effective on Earth.’*  Not sure why that quote popped into my head but it’s true.  And so what is our primary goal in life?  Obedience.  And the secondary goal: success.  Here it is worldly success, because Holy success is encompassed by, or perhaps better said, defined by obedience.

So then, what is the takeaway from Whitney and the past couple weeks including [romantic rejection] (yah unbelievable I know; “there’s no accounting for taste.”  jk jk).  Rejection is not the end of the world.  And if the risk is within the realm of obedience, it is most nearly always worth it.  If the girl is the most exciting prospect imaginable, then not to ask her is to “risk” ending up with someone less exciting.**

To not risk success is to risk failure.

And what of failing to summit?  I am not defined by my worldly successes.  Five years from now, few will remember I didn’t summit. 10 years from now few will remember I attempted.  The same is true had I summited.  Many more, however, will remember if I loved them.  More still will remember if I did not.  Obedience vs. success.  It comes as no surprise then that my past softball championships have become a blur, but that I put winning above all and a paralyzing fear of failure motivated all decisions remains fresh in my mind (perhaps assisted by the fact that I’ve only now begun to consciously work on it, one of the few areas I’ve found fruitful as I seek to apply a faithful response to the call of obedience vs success).

Just because I’ve been rejected doesn’t mean that I’ve unloveable, or more importantly that God doesn’t love me.  Just because I failed to summit Whitney does not mean that I’m a failure – failure is something you do, not something you are.

And if everything else was just rubbish, I leave you with something of primary value.  I love how the Message paraphrases Psalm 5:3: “Every morning I lay out the pieces of my life on your altar and watch for fire to descend.”  The fantastic part about this is that David is waiting for fire to descend, because he believes it will.  We do not wait for that which we do not believe will happen; perhaps we hope for it, or long for it, but we do not wait unless we believe it will happen.  And so I lift up my obedience to You God, and wait for Your fire to descend.

*I misquoted C.S. Lewis here; the real quote is “If you read history you will find that the Christians who did most for the present world were just those who thought most of the next.”

**This of course eschews the soul mate mentality, and in no way implies that God cannot salvage our [temporary] disobedience.

- “We are guilty of doubting the goodness of God.  We believe God is inflicting us with pain to ‘teach us a lesson.’  We pray for healing with ‘Thy will be done’ when God has already shown He is willing.”  (Didn’t catch the author of the quote, but wow if this isn’t the truth.  Part of this stems from the fact that at least in the case of healing, it hasn’t really been a part of my life experience.  I know people who speak of praying for ill friends and seeing instant miraculous healing.  Because I haven’t, and because the pain in such a situation is great (see further below), I tend to shy away from bold prayer, wimping out with ‘Thy will be done’ (which is of course a great prayer on it’s on merits but not a good backdoor clause))
- God wants to build our faith by getting us to believe the impossible is possible – Isaiah 43:19, God has already begun doing something new (This is exciting because it reassures that God is already at work in whatever is going on)
- As long as I am in slavery to sin, God’s promises for me are in slavery ; I am not protesting for freedom (How bad does the mastery of sin have to be before I’ll act?)
- Where is anxiety shouting over the voice of God’s peace?  Self-hatred shouting over God’s Grace?
- God shows us our need to show us where He wants to bring a breakthrough (God is not vindictive or masochistic)
- Breakthrough can feel worse because you feel the need for something more; the hunger and thirst for righteousness, if we do not allow for enough hunger, we cannot be filled with all that God has for us (I often “tap out” in the first round because I lose hope, but this is a reminder that it is in the later rounds that God’s work can be truly refined and amplified)
- What am I avoiding praying for / engaging because it is too painful?  God allowed Jesus to get to the ultimate brokenness so He could fill Jesus with all the hope and power needed to save the world
- The Cross eliminates any doubt as to whether or not God cares for/about us
- Is there anything I weep for, crying ‘there’s gotta be more’?
- When it hurts the most, we feel tempted to believe God is the farthest and nothing will change, but God is the closest then (Reminds me of the Footprints poem)
- What is the promise in my life I’m waiting for God to fulfill?
- Isaiah 45 – I would have not told my people to seek Me if I could not be found
- Go, but take Me with you
- God help us to pray WITH You and not just TO You (Amen)

How’s that for incendiary?  Well, it is only half-hyperbole.  No one actually cares about the weather, unless they’re planning a bbq or a vacation.  The weather is not the only possible topic of small talk conversation, but that it is such a prevalent fallback shows how flawed the conversation structure of society as it relates to dating is.  It is as if we have somehow deemed almost all topics of interest and value off limits for some (unknown) set period of time, making the getting to know process already harder than it needs to be.  Factor in romantic interest, and this is exactly the sort of flammable concoction that burns homes and budding acquaintances to the ground.

However it seems that there are two types of people – those who were born with the small talk gene, and those who weren’t.  So those who have this innate ability might think this is all quite an overstatement.  This may be entirely true.  And yet there must be some middle ground; how can a pair of young amorous adults engage in introductory intimacies without crippling anxiety (or doldrums)?  There is very little worse than the searching sensation of trying to dig up some topic to keep the conversation going with that hopefully soon to be special someone.  For those of you with the gene, help a floundering guy out – what’re some quality small talk topics.  Extra points to those that don’t require research or hours of investment (IE television shows) that the other person is not guaranteed to be familiar with themselves.

Dating is fun because it is funny.  Or, perhaps, other people dating is fun because it’s funny.  Make no mistake, dating is not funny because it is fun.  A slip and slide or giant trampoline is funny because it is fun.  Dating is not fun.  And one of the least fun elements is the priceless china of anticipation being steamrolled by the, er… steamroller of reality.  This is of course the forte (and perhaps strong suit) of online dating, but I don’t believe it is absent from the analog world either.  An acquaintance put it this way, and I couldn’t agree more:

“It’s a bit weird b/c when you write and talk to someone I find that I imagine/interpret their words being spoken exactly as I would like to hear them and then you meet the person and their different. Or they might be nice but eh, not quite . . . right? I wonder if the system doesn’t set us up for failure in many ways. b/c you’ll meet a guy or girl and as soon as there’s something wrong with them or even just different than the prince charming in your head . . . well there are X more matches online and there’s nothing wrong with them . . . yet.”

The “yet” is the critical (and funny, in a sadistic) element there.  But back to the “Oh…” moment.  Say they show up, and clearly those photos were college glamor shots, and gravity has not been kind since then (this applies to both sexes, don’t call me sexist):  “Oh…”  Or they show up in sweats to a first date: “Oh…”  Or I had an interesting one.  I called a girl, and she had the most incredible speech pattern – halting pauses lasting 2-3 seconds.
Her:  ‘Hi Joe, it’s nice’
Me:  (thinking) What’s nice??
Her:  ‘to hear from you’
Me:  (thinking) Oh ok got it.  ‘Yah it’s..’
Her:  ‘how have you been?’
Me:  (thinking) Oh man she wasn’t done, I totally cut her off  (wait even longer to make sure she’s done) ‘Oh…’

While the first “Oh…” is more of a forlorn sigh, the second “Oh…” is a nose scrunched head jerked back disdainful shock like that of walking in on an old naked person in the locker room at the gym (does this happen to women too or just men?).  This “Oh…” is much rarer, and hopefully you have a strong enough screening process to keep from finding yourself in this position, but such a reaction could be elicited from a date throwing up on the first date due to drinking too much (party!).

So have you been victimized by the “Oh…” bandit yet?  Well, keep your chin up, that’s what keeps dating fun… for others.

First off, coffee shops, specifically Starbucks, suck.  I’m as guilty as the next person in falling for the siren song of safety, convenience, and ease of availability (they are everywhere, after all), but one can do so much better.  First off, when you go to a Starbucks, it feels like everyone else is simply there to eavesdrop on your date.  Clearly some people that go to Starbucks have a life and are more concerned with whatever they came there for than listening in on your date, but if someone is just reading the paper, how much more interesting is the date (especially first) happening at the table next to them (which might as well be in their lap for the lack of space bubble possibility).  If you insist on having dates at a coffee shop, at least make sure it is a large or often empty location.

No one can deny, however, just how easy it is to meet at a Starbucks.  They’re everywhere, and they are good anytime of the day.  So to avoid this, we need to plan ahead.  Lunch is a great option.  Lunch gives you something to do (namely, eat) if the date is otherwise plodding (pick a place you like to eat at, and the date is at least a win-tie), while avoiding the pressure (real or imaginary) associated with dinner.  Lunch also plays well into another idea, that of time limit.  Lunch usually takes an hour or so, which is a great time limit for a first date.  Any shorter and you probably haven’t tried to get to know them enough, but much longer and you risk awkward pauses, getting tired (emotionally or physically), and the general uneasiness that can come from wearing out a welcome too soon (you don’t want to reveal all your flaws on the first date!).  This isn’t to say that you should set a stop watch, but I went on a 3 hour first date, and by the end we were talking about pretty mundane things* that if we had cut the date an hour shorter, the average conversation quality would have been higher (this is said more from a “leave on a high note” and “ensure memories are positive” standpoint than anything else – of course that both of us were willing to stick around for 3 hours without walking out or hurting each other was a good sign).

Now what about when the date is on life support after a mere five minutes?  Three options.  The first keeps in mind that car crashes are quite fascinating (rubberneck syndrome) – see just how bad things can get!**  If you are perhaps of the opinion that you’d rather hear about such an experience from a friend than live through it yourself, ride out the date for 30 minutes or so, hoping a topic might spark something to show an intriguing side to them, and if it doesn’t, politely excuse yourself at that point.  However, if you think the problem lies more in circumstances than people, find a way to mix things up.  A possibility for a coffee date is to get outside and take a walk together.  I went on a date where the girl was quite quiet and shy while at the coffee shop, but as soon as we got outside and walked around some, she became much more comfortable and animated.  Had we stayed at the coffee shop the whole time, I would’ve never seen the more exciting side to her.  What’s the worst that can happen (you find out they truly are lame, which is a good thing really, haha)?

So there you have it.  How to fix a date before it breaks, or options to fix it if it breaks.  Good luck, and share your horror stories with me – not much is funnier than a good bad date story.

*In no way is this to imply that this will not happen within marriage, but at that point you’re stuck with each other (half kidding).

**The author has neither tried nor advocates this approach, but would be very amused to hear your stories.

To be totally honest, I’m not sure what irked me more, that she planned the date with the game in mind, or that I wasn’t hopelessly enamored.  Now granted, I don’t know if hoping the game was on was simply a fail safe (”If the date sucks, at least the game is on…”), and if so, it is probably one I should adopt (kidding).  But then again, who goes into a date with ME thinking it is going to suck?  So a more plausible option is that she’s just a huge sports nut.  Ok, I can accept that.  But wouldn’t common decency suggest that people usually like to feel more important than a sports game (let’s be honest, some people are less important than the Super Bowl, but this was Monday night June baseball)?  So perhaps we end up with poor social graces as the most logical reason, which explains the lack of enamoration.  At least this is how I’m choosing to rationalize my emotional confusion and justify my manhood at the same time….

Now that time has past, and wounds have healed, I’ve begun to gather some ideas as to what does and doesn’t make a good date (hint: TVs fall in the “don’t” pile), which I’ll be sharing in a future post.  Oh, and in case you’re wondering, the Brewers won.

The first key is to make any approach one chooses sustainable.  This is not so much about environmental friendliness as it is about ensuring that one’s actions are renewable without burnout.  This is best illustrated by an example of a highly unsustainable focus: Facebook stalking.  Now I’m as guilty as the next guy when it comes to this behavior, but the only net gain is wasted time and a red-lining of the emotional engine that will quickly break down if the oil of real-life interaction is not added (if that’s not how cars work, well, I’m not a gearhead).  It is so easy to meet a woman, find out just enough about her to get excited, and then quickly burn out after spending a week of daydreaming about her, but never actually speaking with her.  This isn’t to say that one should ask someone out on the day that they meet, but it is simply a cautionary note against marrying someone in one’s mind before you even know their last name.  Ok, time to put the mirror down and address the post to the rest of the audience (… hey, wake up, no snoring!).

The most important step in assessing a goal or expectation is whether it is worthwhile and possible.  With that in mind, we should first ask, is courtship even a realistic model?  From an outsider’s perspective, the idea of pursing a relationship with a view of marriage is certainly doable, and I believe valuable as well.  And yet are we given unrealistic visions of a “Josh Harris Match Made In Heaven” situation where the couple meets in high school and their parents are good friends and guide things with a nuclear family 2.8 kids white picket fence mentality?  I hope that by the time we’re in college we can dump those notions without tossing out the baby with the bathwater.  As an example, let’s say the girl I am interested in has parents that live in another city, and aren’t Christian.  While this doesn’t mean I don’t want them involved in anything, they aren’t exactly “dream mentors” that I would look to for advice, and day to day or weekly involvement in the course of things*.

Is online dating the answer?  Possibly.  After all, the model is essentially a very connected friend (perhaps named Neil Clark Warren) who knows you well, and knows lots of people to introduce you to.  At least, that is how it is supposed to work.  I must say it doesn’t always.  No offense if this girl happens to randomly read this blog, but after throwing up a profile for a recent free communication weekend, I got matched with a girl who provided the following answer:  “The last book [redacted] read and enjoyed: haha it was twilight cuz my friend wanted me 2 read it so bad so i did, omg it was 500 pg. but it was good.”  If you know me, you know that is essentially a punch in the face of my sensibility (call me elitist if you must) – what does that mean my online dating friend with the hookup thinks of me??  That was an outlier, but still, online dating still seems to be very hit and miss (… and miss.  and miss).  Again I think the model is one that allows for a courtship mentality, but the practicalities often leave a lot to desire (disclaimer: I know a couple that met and married via online dating and they’re great for each other.  Perhaps I’m just bitter after being matched with Ms. Twilight).

There are also those (crazy) people who like to be able to shake someone’s hand the first time they’re introduced, rather than reading a profile. For these brave souls, there are singles ministries, community groups, home groups, small groups, etc, whatever nom de plum your church gives them.  Of course one shouldn’t go with the sole intention of meeting their spouse, but it’s hardly a poor reason to attend one.  This potential reward is not without risk, such as navigating the friend to friend-plus highway (sometimes feels more like a construction zone detour).  There aren’t any posted speed limits, but there sure are a lot of cops with radar guns.

I think, unfortunately, the message here is that courtship is hard.  And it takes work.  But anything that is hard and takes work is inherently possible (otherwise it would be impossible, not hard), and in this case I believe feasible.  Courtship shows a level of respect for oneself and the person they’re interested in that is lacking (not necessarily intentionally) in other styles of romantic relationships, whether it is the guy playing dumb or the girl playing hard to get, etc etc.  And if the alternative is hooking up, I think putting the work in that courtship demands is not only critical, but richly rewarding in the long term.

Ok, nothing groundbreaking here – what’re your thoughts?  Is courtship a must?  A waste of time?  Are you wondering how you too missed out on this hookup scene while in college??  … JK.

*Here I am tempted to distinguish between the “spiritual” aspects and the “other” aspects of the relationship, but am caught between a rock and hard place.  To separate out the spiritual is to downplay the whole (the spiritual being the core itself), but to keep them together is to present a strong prejudice against the usefulness of said parents in the relationship.  Oh well, I’ll cross that bridge if/when I come to it.

Speaking of girls!  Expect at least one post in the near future on women, and the dating/courting/whatever thereof.  Now that this job business is handled…  Fathers hide your daughters, LL Cool Joe is on the prowl!

This post is dedicated to everyone who reminds me I’m behind on posting, but doesn’t comment.  Wuv u all.

A few weeks ago in his message, Pastor Matt challenged us to boldly trust in the power of the Gospel, and to eliminate small ambitions and low expectations from our lives.  Some practical examples of this mentioned included “I’ll never get over my bad habits,” or “That friend would never accept Christ.”*  If God is who He says He is, these (and all) things are well within His power.

It is sermons like this that have a tendency to cause me to leave riled up and frustrated rather than encouraged.  I am not an “idea man,” per se, and I actually prefer to analyze and dissect existing ideas for validity and probability, rather than create ideas.  But when I do come up with an idea, it tends to be somewhat grandiose in nature (this is not a back patting session, don’t worry).  Understandably, to see an idea of great weight come to fruition takes time.  And therein lies the rub – time requires patience, a virtue I utterly lack.  So I walk away thinking, my expectations and ambitions are not small, and yet they’re unmet; what’s wrong with this picture?

Fast forward a week, and we’re attending Flood’s annual Soma (Greek for “body”) conference, a chance for us to learn more about ourselves, how we’re wired/made, and what we’re wired/made for.  I attended a seminar on values and vision, in which we sought to draft a personal vision statement (what we’re about), and outline our values (theroadmap for our vision).  I realized that one of my highest values is excellence.  As a perfectionist, this is often turned inward, but I also strive to help others realize their true potential (one of the reasons I get a thrill out of coaching).  That extends to society as a whole as well, the focus of asizable portion of my ideas for betterment.

Now, rewind a few hours, and let’s look at the question for quiet time: (in keeping with the theme for Flood this year, “Risk,”) What would it look like to relinquish my current situation, circumstances, people to You?  I have no good answer.  Actually I have no easy answer.  What I came up with though, was to accept that God loves me, even when I don’t feel it, and to love others even when I don’t want to (including God, when He doesn’t give me what I want when I want).  Love creates momentum such that when I am loving most recklessly, I am least able to be unloving, thus making progress towards the two greatest commandments.  The goal of this life is not to have a fulfilling career, or retire young.  I have found that I have begun to make ultimatums with God, including ones that make no sense whatsoever (and me, so logical!).  I caution God that if He does not provide me with a fulfilling job, which would consist of opportunities to serve others, then I will not serve Him in other areas that I can freely choose to serve in now (leading a growth group at Flood stands out as one such example).  God, until You allow me to serve, I refuse to serve.  Hmm.

Now we’re going to jump forward a week and see Chris Tomlin in concert.  Not a bad little time machine we’re on here.  Besides completely rocking, Chris spoke intimately of theinfinite grace that we have available to us at all times from God.  This grace is something that I frequently reject – if I messed up, I deserve punishment.  When I refuse God’s grace to me, I then have that much less grace to others, and my goal of excellence manifests itselfsimply as condemnation.  But this grace is, in no uncertain terms, the most powerful force in the universe.  And it is self-renewing andperennial ; it will not stop flowing tomorrow, it will not expire.  And it will change lives.  When one approaches a task with a possibility of success, rather than aprobability of failure, the outcome will improve, whether the stated goal is met or not.  The hearts involved will be changed for the better in direct response to the grace given and received.

Alright, this post is incoherent and rambling, but I’m going to give myself grace about that.  Each of these paragraphs could be a post in and of themselves, and I may choose to revisit certain points and expound on them.  But for now, you have the ball of pasta that is my brain at the moment.

* The idea is not that these things themselves are small (friends accepting Christ, et al), but that we would find them unlikely or impossible is the low expectation.