Hardly……. it seems!

No — just some pathetic guilt ridden twerp !

The little fellow was spirited away in the dead of night from Denis and Doris Heard’s garden more than 13 years ago. They accepted the theft of their garden gnome as ‘just one of those things’. After all, plenty of their bearded figures had already been smashed or thrown over the hedge by passing youths.

But the prankster who stole the ornament back in 1996 wasn’t able to forget his crime so easily.

Haunted by a guilty conscience, the mysterious thief last week returned to the pensioners’ council house in Leeds and left them a package containing a letter of apology and a replacement gnome.

Mr and Mrs Heard, both 77, couldn’t believe their eyes when they returned from a shopping trip to find the gnome.

• Play your own tune on the Farting Nun Organ
• Design your own special  fart with the Fartmatic 5000

The Farting Gnome

- a mythical beast that lives in the dorm rooms.  He opens peoples doors and farts on their floors when they are gone.

Did the farting gnome go in my room and zeph again??

Fartland fairy story

The heaven (and sometimes hell) of farts.

Where they come from and go back to after the stork delivers them into your colon and out your ass.

“The poor little fart escaped my asshole to return to Fartland where he could be back with his family. ”

Fartland
Parody of “Heartland”

Hear her bum supply it upwind
Don’t smell it
Hear her bum supply it upwind
Much to your chagrin
You start choking
And the flatulence
Turns foul and pungent

Beans & broccoli
And fake crab meat
A six pack, collard greens
Ol’ cheeses tried
Eggs and cabbage dishes
Lots of things with curry

She’s a fartland
She’s a farting girl
She’s a fartland
Didn’t know
She was a fartland
Fartland
Fartland

It’s no fun listening to her spin
She says it’s from a passing man
She even fans her nose with her hand
But she is bereft of
A word that’s sincere
And the poisoned air
Brings a flood of tears
Though you pinch your nostrils
She dutch ovened matter
You’re soured from the ordeal
Relief can’t be called upon

She’s a fartland
She’s a farting girl
She’s a fartland
Onions sowed
She was a fartland
Fartland
Fartland
Tuna casserole
Now she’s a fartland
Fartland
Fartland

Gnome lovers from all parts of the Blue Mountains and surrounding districts are currently collecting, painting and ‘dressing up’ their collection to take part in what will surely be the biggest gnome convention in history.

The 2009 convention attracted more than 900 gnome registrations but Lower Blue Mountains Rotary’s now famous ‘great gnome rescue’ from Cootamundra will see the number jump to almost 2000.

Everyone is welcome to register their gnomes at 9am on January 26 at the special gnome assembly area in Glenbrook Park.

There are great prizes on offer — courtesy of Jimmy’s Steak House at Emu Plains — and the Penrith mayor Jim Aitken will join with Australia Day Ambassador Robyn Moore to judge the competition at 12 noon.

The various gnome categories have been streamlined this year and all gnome ‘carers’ young and old are welcome to take part. Following is the complete list:

• Painted/decorated gnomes — senior and junior divisions.

• • Traditional garden gnome.
• • Australia Day gnome.
• • Sporting gnome.
• • Judges’ choice.

The winner of each category will receive a gift voucher for Jimmy’s Steak House to the value of $100.

Lower Blue Mountains gnome master David Cook — who is just a trifle eccentric — reports tremendous interest this year in the wake of publicity created by the ‘great gnome rescue’.

“Carers are devoting much time and energy into dressing up their gnomes and the imaginative efforts will delight the expected large crowd,” he said.

However, David emphasised that many residents are pleased to register their much-loved, average garden variety gnomes — straight from the garden.

“Many of our best registrations are weather beaten, old gnomes in their natural state. Don’t hesitate. Bring them in and be part of the historic sixth annual Australian Gnome Convention,” he said.

Residents of the Lower Mountains may get a taste of the fun to come at the gnome convention by a visit to the window of the former Health Food shop in Ross Street, Glenbrook, where a special gnome display has just been mounted.

Per the Gnome Defence Manual, I have buried the remains of the gnomes head down around the perimeter.

Note Carefully

Need to raise the sensitivity on the Gnome Early Warning System (GEWS) Pronounced “goose” during snowy weather. False Alarms all night long. Somehow they knew…….

Gnome adventurers let their curiosity for the unknown get the better of them, and often can be found in the company of elves or dwarves.

The picture is from Karl Gjellerup’s book Den Ældre Eddas Gudesange [The Divine Songs of the Elder Eddas] Kalliope, Denmark, 1895 [re-released by Thaning and Appel, Copenhagen, 1973]; some call these figures ‘gnomes’.

The term gnome appears better attributed to Paracelsus, where they are described as ‘elementals’ having to do with the earth. This may have led to confusion of the terms, since dwarves are usually identified as ’soil dwelling dwarves’ [the old Norse Eddas], or below-ground stone and metal smiths [Tolkien].

Even the term gnome is not settled in its origins; while some attribute it to the Greek gnome ‘to know’, others from the Greek genomon ‘one who knows’, and by extension ‘guardian’ (of treasure), yet others say Greek genomus ‘earth dweller’ [presumably from ge, gaia 'earth' + nómos 'an allotted abode'].

Mythologically Dwarves are believed to live in subterranean halls, or mines, and guard great treasures. The term Dwarf traces back to ancient Northern European roots [e.g.: Swedish dverg, Old German twerg], but its origin is essentially unknown.

• Rather than run from humans, Lawn Gnomes have learned to stand perfectly still, to the extent that they are often confused with statuary.

• Lawn Gnomes are rarely seen together, as they are nocturnal creatures.

• Lawn Gnomes prefer darkness, and if caught outside as dawn strikes, they instinctively freeze in whatever position or location they were in. This stationary pose lasts until dark. During this time, Lawn Gnomes go into a sort of trance, where they rest, and explore their surroundings with their telepathic powers.

• It is a little known fact that Lawn Gnomes have a long standing alliance with rabbits. And among some cultures it is said that “Whever you see a rabbit, there’s a Lawn Gnome messing with your stuff.”

(WEBB, 1993)

An inside source at ManMade has told Gnomic News, “The board felt that, in light of the fact that Americans are so accustomed to bullshit in their politics, culture, and lifestyles, that no one would balk at eating a little more. It’s cheap, easy to manufacture, and is made from 100% American bullshit. That makes it patriotic!”

According to the FDA, almost half the available prime bullshit could come from the American educational system. “That’s where it all starts, really, the schools,” said U.S. Undersecretary of Education Brian Torpor. “Twelve years of public education is enough to dull the mind and the palate sufficiently.”

This "gnome" in the Edmonton Mall is obviously an imposter

For a short period of time in the early 1970s gnomes were severely abused in remote shampoo testing facilities. Efforts to liberate the gnomes were abandoned after numerous anonymous threats.

Eventually, the gnomes were able to rise up against the shampoo company in the great gnome rebellion of 1974.

The lab workers who were few in number, mostly Canadian, and armed only with empty shampoo bottles stood no chance against the gnome’s superior force.

This uprising, led by the head gnome Lester (whose beard was most foamy), was won in less than 12 hours.

Using only light bulbs, yarn, and paper cups the gnomes were able to construct a class 4E-8 helicopter capable of sustaining a speed of over 137 mph for about 12 hours. Using this single helicopter, they were able to escape from the facility, pick up some Big Macs (two for $4 before tax), and completely overwhelm the french military.

Unfortunately, the gnome’s success rapidly came to a halt after an incident with a raccoon. This incident, known as bad thing ( referring to the number 42) ended the Great Gnome Rebellion. The raccoon responsible was given an eight pound bowling ball for saving the entire human race. The racoon’s acceptance speech was a disappointment to most critics, who claimed it was just a series of growls.

  I want to tell you a story
‘Bout a little man if I can.
A gnome named Grimble Gromble.
And little gnomes stay in their homes,
Eating, sleeping, drinking their wine.

He wore a scarlet tunic,
A blue-green hood, it looked quite good.
He had a big adventure
Amidst the grass, fresh air at last.
Wining, dining, biding his time…

And then one day…
Hooray, another way for gnomes to say
Ooh my…

Look at the sky, look at the river.
Isn’t it good?
Look at the sky, look at the river.
Isn’t it good?

Winding, finding places to go.

And then one day
Hooray, another way for gnomes to say
Ooh my ooh my…
     

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