1. I’m grateful for my friends and family who are always quick to lend me their support when I need it, even when the reasons for needing it are poorly articulated. I posted online last week about feeling horribly low, and although I didn’t really articulate what was the matter or just how low I was (for the record: extremely), I got more good wishes and emotional support than I expected. And it helped. More…well, more than I can really articulate.

2. I’m grateful for my parents and the way they raised me. Specifically, they brought me up to be friendly and gracious. I think I was that way by nature, but they definitely nurtured it and taught me good manners. Which is a big reason why, I think, I get so much support from people when I’m low.

3. I’m grateful for my brother and sister-in-law and their two kids. My nephew, August, had a birthday today, and my niece, Hazel, had one a couple of weeks ago. Both kids are delightful and very dear to me, as are their parents. Love you, Neffs!

Other times, I feel more like this:

Both have been strong forces in my life.

I’ve had a pretty rough few weeks, and for much of the time, I’ve felt small, scared, and insecure about my ability to cope as an adult. My demons have been screaming in my head, repeating things I’ve been told all my life. “You’re immature and irresponsible!” “You spend too much time daydreaming!” “You’re unrealistic!” For a long time now I’ve felt broken, doing what I can to take myself apart and glue myself back together, new and improved. I’ve been trying to learn new habits, chastising myself when it seems like I’m not learning them fast enough, not getting better fast enough.

And then I thought about my recent post on refusing to apologize for some aspects of my personality. I thought about the self-help books I’ve been reading, the medication I take, the therapy I’m in. And I decided I AM NOT BROKEN AND THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME. I mean, I know I’m not perfect, I know I have my faults, I make mistakes, I fuck things up. But not any more than anyone else I know. And yes, there are changes I want to make so that my life is easier for me. But I’m not on a timetable. There’s no rushing deadline of “I have to be relaxed and focused by such-and-such date OR ELSE!” There’s no end goal of “I’ve finally achieved mental stability and life focus. I’M DONE!” And I don’t have any responsibility to anyone else to get “better,” to be “unbroken.”

I think the biggest impediment to healing is the belief that you’re horribly fucked up and broken, when what you should be doing is accepting yourself for who you are and loving yourself for it. Today, I’m loving myself for who I am and not stressing about all the “horribly broken things” in my head that “need to be fixed.”

Yesterday morning, I got a call from someone with Toyota Financial Services. “We heard you were in a car accident. We’re really sorry. But your car payment is late, and if we don’t receive a payment by tomorrow, it could be turned over to collections.” I explained that State Farm paid off the rest of my lien and I’d signed paperwork the day before turning ownership of the wrecked car over to State Farm. “Well, I see that State Farm called us, but we don’t have any paperwork and haven’t received any money.” I told him that was all very strange, since State Farm had called about the lien on Tuesday and, like I said before, the paperwork had been signed on Wednesday. I was really in no mood to deal with this kind of runaround, so when he again threatened that I could be turned over to collections if I didn’t make a payment by the end of the week, I said, “Whatever,” and hung up.

A bit worried, I called Christy, the State Farm rep in charge of assessing my totaled car, and told her about the Toyota Financial call. She assured me that she had sent a check to them on Tuesday and they should be getting the paperwork ASAP. “I’m not going to tell you not to make a payment,” she said, “But…” I said I wouldn’t stress out about it and just trust that it would all come together. “OK,” she said, “I’ll talk to you later.” After we hung up, I thought, I really hope I don’t talk to you later, because I really don’t want to have another totaled car assessed any time soon.

About half an hour later, Christy called back to tell me that she had called Toyota Financial to straighten everything out. They had the check from State Farm, they had the paperwork, the car was officially not mine, and I didn’t have to worry about making a payment.

“You rock!” I said.

She laughed and said, “OK, well, take care. I’ll talk to you later.” There was a brief pause. “I don’t know why I keep saying that. I really hope I don’t have to talk to you later.”

“I was thinking the same thing,” I told her. “You’re just being nice.”

“I’m just a polite person,” she said. “But you’re had a decision reached on this, so…I’m breaking up with you now.”

I started cracking up and came close to telling her, “I love you!” Instead, I just thanked her and told her to have a great day.

I’m so happy I’m with State Farm.

1. I’m grateful to have a physician who listens to me, is patient (ha!) with me, is stern with me when I need it, and is willing to look at all kinds of solutions to my health issues.

2. I’m grateful that my migraines, as bad as they are, aren’t as bad as they could be. I have friends who experience migraines much worse than mine, so even though it’s difficult to be thankful when it feels like there’s an ice pick going through my eye to my brain, in the end, I’m relieved.

3. I’m grateful for Google Maps. It was raining the other day when I got off work, and I really didn’t want to drive on K-10 in the rain again (especially after sundown), so I went on Google Maps and found an alternate, non-highway route. It took longer to get home, but it was a nicer drive overall. I can remember the days before online maps, but it’s hard to imagine going back to that now.

And now I find myself missing San Francisco terribly, wishing I could drop everything and head back west. *sigh*

I try to imagine their ideal society and it makes my brain hurt. A lot.

1. I’m grateful that none of the three vehicles involved in the accident had any passengers, just drivers. The chance for injury would have been much greater with more people involved.

2. I’m grateful that none of the drivers were seriously injured. No ambulances were needed, all three drivers were able to drive away from the scene of the accident (even if not all of the cars could), and all I’ve had since the accident was a very mild concussion (pressure headache and a couple instances of minor dizziness) that faded after a couple of days.

3. I’m grateful that everyone I’ve had to deal with regarding the accident–the two company that got my car from the scene of the accident, all of the State Farm reps I’ve dealt with, and the mechanic at the body shop where my car was towed to–have been friendly, funny, compassionate, and helpful.

All in all, this situation could have been much worse than it turned out. Phew!

1. I’m grateful for the TV show Doctor Who and all of the people who have had a hand in creating it. The stories and characters and mad imagination of the show have inspired me for a long, long time, and have led me to think about my own ethics, morals, and behaviors.

2. I’ m grateful for my friend Robin, whose birthday was yesterday, and my friend Jenna, whose birthday is Monday. Both have been very, very good friends to me and understand a lot of what goes on in my head, reassuring me that I’m making more progress in life than I may think I am. Happy Birthdays to you two!

3. I’m grateful for my overall health. Yes, I’m out of shape. Yes, my cholesterol is too high. Yes, I get too many headaches. Yes, I have brain chemistry issues. But for the most part, I’m pretty healthy, and I’m very thankful for that.

But here’s what I think. The solution to events like this, and to patterns of violence and terror, is not more guns or more bombs. We need less talk of violence and revenge, less talk of killing to defend our loved ones, not more. Wayne LaPierre of the National Rifle Association recently said,  ”The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.” And that’s just about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Bullies need to be stood up to, but if you think you can stop violence with more violence–or even the threat of violence–you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem. If bravery means fighting with guns, knives, and bombs, than I’m proud to be a coward rather than a killer. If it’s naive to think we can defeat violence with nonviolence, than I’m happy to be naive.

What we need is more creativity, more compassion, more intelligence. It would be twee to suggest that we can solve all of the violence in the world with hugs and songs, and I certainly don’t believe that. But it’s bloody foolish to think you can solve violent problems with warfare. I’ll place my bets on tolerance, compassion, mercy, humor, and passive resistance. I’ll take my lessons from Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr., Albert Einstein, and Charlie Chaplin. I truly do believe that there is more good, more love, more peace, more construction in humanity than there is evil, hatred, violence, destruction. As Patton Oswalt wrote today, “We would not be here if humanity were inherently evil. We’d have eaten ourselves alive long ago.”

• Keeping the poor housed and fed.
• Providing affordable/free medical care for all citizens.
• Making sure all public schools are well-funded and teachers are paid well.
• Helping unemployed people find new jobs and get training the might need for new careers.
• Making sure important government agencies that ensure the welfare of our citizens–like OSHA and the EPA–are well-funded.
• Shoring up our infrastructure of roads, bridges, etc.
• Building high-speed rail networks across the country.
• Developing renewable energy resources to replace coal and oil.
• Developing new technologies and building vehicles for space exploration.

Yes, defending our nation is important. And yes, wars are sometimes necessary. But the last war that was actually necessary ended 68 years ago. I think we spend too much on weapons and far, far too much on unnecessary wars and invasions. We should be spending more on peaceful technologies and social welfare that benefits all of our citizens.