God and Cigarettes

A lonnnnng follow up.

godandcigarettes@gmail.com (God and Cigarettes) — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 07:22:00 +0000

First off. Let me start by acknowledging that I'm still perplexed and puzzled by God. And more often than not, I'm annoyed, frustrated and often angry. That frame of mind makes for clouded thinking and reactionary, half-baked posts and discussions.

I am not apologizing for my words per se, but rather trying to share the context through which I can say such seemingly stupid and damning things. I said what I felt and stick by the words I wrote as words from a certain time and a certain set of feelings. They are real and moving forward I must endeavor to be "real" and walk in integrity above all else.

When someone (or something) is in pain, it REACTS more than it reasons or thinks. I recall my dog as a pup biting me when I accidentally broke her leg. She was freaked out and reacted more than reasoned and I knew better (thankfully) than to take it personally. I trust that the all-knowing incredibly patient and loving God will do the same and somehow see my heart even in the midst of my often ignorant tirades against Him.

My friend and I have been wrestling with the realities of finding our way in the midst of clouded minds, disillusionment and pain for some time now. And while we both at one time were in what we felt were very close and meaningful relationships with our Creator, our failings, sins and experiences with God and others (especially those in the Church family) have left us searching for helpful scriptures, anecdotes, stories and frameworks through which to come to a new understanding of God. Hopefully, it will be a truer and deeper understanding and one that will stand the test of time and weather life's storms better than our previously immature beliefs did.

We have enough knowledge and experience with Church, Christianity and well-meaning followers that we know what the "right answers" are but when personal experiences fail to fit neatly into the prescribed boxes, we are left with more questions than answers and the sentimental "feel-good" simplicity of our previous faith walks leave us cold. I have searched for answers, analogies, scriptures and messages of hope and have not found any that seem to fit. Always they leave me with little more than vague notions like "just believe" and "it is all for the greater good" or "God's ways are higher than our ways". These ideas may act as a salve for minor cuts and bruises but when your world comes crashing in, they seem quite frankly like an insult to my intelligence and seem to be telling me to "check my thoughts, feelings and experiences at the door".

I can't do that and yet I desperately need to reconnect with the God who once gave my life meaning, provided comfort and set my moral compass. Without Him, and all that goes along with a vibrant and real faith, I am left to my own devices and hurts as simply things to be tolerated or overcome by sheer force of will or acts of purposeful forgetting. "Try to act like all is well and it will be well." Sorry. Can't do it.

I need to rediscover this God at a deeper and more soul-quenching level if I am ever to feel whole again. The path to that place is largely a mystery as the paths I've walked and the people I've walked with have only gotten me this far and unfortunately, some of their well-meaning advice could not have been more destructive and hurtful to me and my family.

I forgive them and love them but I'm not very eager to reconnect and play the "let's pretend all is well game".

So...

Where am I at today?

Bear with me as I think this through and talk to myself a bit...

God is a God of Love. Check.
Then it follows that for Him to truly love, He must be a God who allows the freedom of choice. It's not really love if we have no option BUT to love is it?

God loves everyone equally. Check.
He loves those who are actively seeking Him and those who rail against Him equally. He may be hurt or disappointed by those who don't choose Him but He knows them, loves them and holds out hope for them to find their way home to Him eventually. If He did not, the world would have no doubt been wrapped up long ago. It's BECAUSE He hopes and waits and preserves with us all that we wait for the end of time so that all who can or would choose Him have the time to do so.

So. If He loves all people equally, then for Him to take sides in a football game, a war or a divorce would really be unthinkable. His will (I believe) would always be for reconciliation but as He has given the right to choose to both wise and fools alike, He must by virtue of that sort of respectful love, allow us to choose both right and wrong paths.

What is the practical application of this Truth?
That God will hear all prayers and choose to answer some. The ones that are in alignment with His will and won't over ride the desires / needs of another. (ie if we both pray out of His will or prayers that in some way would remove the ability for the other person to choose their path, very likely the prayers will go unanswered).

If we pray for the natural order of things to be overturned (and thus over ride personal choice) we will likewise, likely be "spitting in the wind".

Our marriage was sick before my actions tipped it over the edge. Nobody's fault exactly. Just a long series of frailties, arguments, fears, failings, resentments and inabilities. Over the years it became more and more fragile and with each of my betrayals it became more and more inflicted with hopelessness. Our actions made it sick. My actions drove a stake in its heart.

There were choices I made. And choices she made. — Out of selfishness, foolishness, fearfulness, anger, revenge and self-preservation. They were all choices we had been given the power over and all choices that had God intervened, He would have been choosing to take away our ability to choose each other and choose Him.

Our choices said we no longer chose each other. We no longer valued and esteemed the marriage we had once committed to. And choices that placed our own needs ahead of the others and ahead of our desire for God. We lost sight of Him, lost sight of Truth and lost hope in each other.

Yes. It's true. I drove the final blow to our marriage. But the frailty of the marriage is not on my shoulders alone.

So. Should I pray again and if so, what for?

If I could pray at this point it would be for the clarity to learn from my past failings and protect and encourage my kids in this new future.
I would pray for their new family of step-dad and step-sisters and for the healing and continued faith of their mother.
I would pray for a very real, deep and life-changing faith that would instill me with hope, excite me with purpose and renew my desire to build create and grow.
I would pray for the strength to persevere through times of dark deep discouragement and loneliness and a vision for who I am as seen from a higher vantage point.
I would pray for the understanding of grace and forgiveness not as I've understood them before but as God intends they be understood.
And I would pray for the strength of conviction to do more right things than wrong things no matter how much more difficult that path may be.

I DO believe that God is there. And yes, I do believe that He loves even me.

Please pray for me to continue to seek Him and seek the way forward.

~Ash

Hope.

godandcigarettes@gmail.com (God and Cigarettes) — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 07:13:00 +0000

I went to church again for the first time in nearly a year. Maybe longer. It was nice. And it was weird. Familiar faces said hellos — maybe because it's the New Yaer but it was nice anyway. The worship was sweet and somewhat familiar...

The pastor was a guest pastor from another church. My old church. And despite my desire to avoid his gaze and quietly find a seat, he waas between me and where I need to go. Short of ducking into the toilet for a while there was no way around but say hello and pretend to be glad to see him.

I did the small talk thing and then grabbed a saet as he preached on "Hope".

He's a good speaker and an inspiring preacher. I always thought so and despite recognizing his familiar patterns and tone, and wanting to run, I stayed hoping God would talk to me and somehow clear the air between us. Not sure what I expected but to end again in the familiar way of "don't trust your strength, your resources or abilities... trust in the creator" left me cold.

I am where I am exactly due to trusting Him.

How trustworthy is He really?

This is the same God who allows unspeakable suffering to believers and non-believers alike. Who says He hears and answers prayers but let's those closest to us slip away. Whether by death or divorce. The fervency of the prayers are never enough. The purity of the walk is never enough and the whole thing seems a sham.

If He answers then it's "God is good. God be praised".

If not then it's STILL supposed to be good and it's "just not God's will." or "God has other plans."

No matter the outcome, no matter the sitauation, we are to pray and believe for the "promises" that are ours and the "blessings to come". Either way, He is God and we are to simply be satisfied.

Well I'm NOT satisfied with that bullshit anymore!

This is an impotent and cavalier God. He does what He wants when He wants and fuck us all for hoping in Him.

What the hell was I thinking all those years?

Just blind hope piled on blind hope. And silence raining down from above. And heaven help you if you actually presume to think you hear something from Him. You're on your own buddy cuz' you obviously just made up that shit. You are DELUSIONAL if you think He'd stoop to speak to you and actually do something to help you or care for your needs.

Those good things that happen? The bad things?

They're called coincidences and chance.

Self-forgiveness

godandcigarettes@gmail.com (God and Cigarettes) — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 22:11:00 +0000

(reprinted from "LiveStrong.com" Lance Armstrong's site)

What is self-forgiveness?
Self-forgiving is:

Accepting yourself as a human who has faults and makes mistakes.
Letting go of self-anger for your past failures, errors and mistakes.
No longer needing penance, sorrow and regret over a grievous, self-inflicted, personal offense.
The act of self-love after you have admitted your failure, mistake or misdeed.
The spiritual self healing of your heart by calming self-rejection, quieting the sense of failure and lightening the burden of guilt.
The act of letting go of the need to work so hard to make up for your past offenses.
Negative consequences of the absence of self-forgiveness

In the absence of self-forgiveness, you run the risk of:

Unresolved hurt, pain and suffering from self-destructive behaviors.
Unresolved guilt and remorse for self-inflicted offenses.
Chronically seeking revenge and paybacks toward yourself.
Being caught up in unresolved self-anger, self-hatred and self-blaming.
Defensive and distant behavior with others.
Pessimism, negativity and non-growth oriented behavior.
Having a festering wound that never allows the revitalization of self-healing.
Fear over making new mistakes or of having the old mistakes revealed.
Being overwhelmed by fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of non-approval, low self-esteem and low self-worth.

Signs of the absence of self-forgiveness.
Lack of self-forgiveness can result in:

A loss of love for yourself.
Indifference toward yourself and your needs.
An emotional vacuum in which little or no emotions are shown or shared.
Chronic attacks or angry outbursts against self.
Disrespectful treatment of self.
Self-destructive behaviors.
Self-pitying.
Chronic recalling and reminding of past failures, mistakes, errors and offenses.
Suspicions about others' motives, behaviors, attitudes and beliefs when they are accepting of you.
Chronic depression.
Chronic hostility, sarcasm and cynicism.
Self name-calling, belittling and self-demeaning behaviors.
Unwillingness to change and/or unwillingness to seek the help necessary to change.
Resistance to doing what is necessary to heal within and recover from low self-esteem.

Irrational thinking preventing self-forgiveness

I hurt myself so much; how can I ever expect to be forgiven for that?
No one deserved the treatment I dished out, and I do not believe that forgiveness is deserved in this situation.
I am sick over what I did; how can I ever forgive myself?
I must be inherently evil, and I am despicable. No forgiveness will ever change that.
I am vicious and cruel, and I always need to be on guard because of that; so why try to forgive what I have done?
It is a sign of weakness or softness to forgive myself. I must always keep my guard up so as never to repeat my wrongdoings.
There are some things I can never forgive myself for.
Only God can forgive me, though at times I don't believe He can for what I have done.
What has happened in my life is God's seeking revenge for all the evil I have done in the past.
I have done too much for which I can never be forgiven.
I am just seeking my forgiveness so that I can come back and hurt myself again.
I do not deserve any self-kindness, self-compassion or self-forgiveness for what I have done to myself or others; I'll see to it that I am never able to forget it!
All people who do wrong deserve the worst that life has to dish out.
I resent myself for hurting myself or others. It is better for me to be hidden behind my wall so I don't hurt anybody again.
If I could treat myself or others that way, then I am undeserving of being forgiven, loved or cared for.

New behaviors needed to create self-forgiveness.
In order to forgive yourself you need to practice:

Letting go of past hurt and pain.
Trusting in your goodness.
Trusting in the goodness and mercy of your Higher Power to take over the burden for you.
Letting go and letting your Higher Power lead you during a hurtful time.
Believing in the infinite justice and wisdom of your Higher Power.
Letting go of fears for the future.
Allowing yourself to be vulnerable to growth.
Taking a risk.
Letting go of self-hostility, resentment and self-destructive behaviors.
Working out your self-anger.
Overlooking slight relapses or steps backward and getting back on the wagon of recovery immediately.
Developing a personal spirituality.
Developing an openness to the belief that you can change.
Developing trust in yourself.
Open, honest and assertive communication with yourself concerning hurts, pains and offenses experienced.
Identifying and replacing the irrational beliefs that block your ability to forgive yourself.

Steps to develop self-forgiveness.

Step 1: In order to increase your ability to forgive yourself, you need to recognize what this behavior involves. Answer the following questions in your journal.

A. What do you mean by "self-forgiveness"?
B. Have you ever forgiven yourself before? How did it feel?
C. Have you ever brought up something from the past to remind you how you hurt yourself or others? How did that make you feel?
D. What role do you feel self-forgiveness has in your growing down? How could you improve?
E. How has the absence of forgiving yourself affected your current emotional stability?
F. What are the signs of the absence of self-forgiveness in your relationship with your family of origin, current family, significant others, spouse, children, parents, relatives, friends or co-workers? With whom do you experience a wall or barrier behind which you hide your past real or perceived failures, mistakes, errors or misdeeds? What feedback do you get about this wall you have been hiding behind?
G. What beliefs block your ability to forgive yourself? What would be necessary to change these beliefs?
H. What new behaviors do you need to develop in order to increase your ability to forgive yourself?
I. What role does the existence of spirituality play in your ability to forgive yourself? The lack of it?
J. For what do you need to forgive yourself?

Step 2: Now that you have a better picture of what is involved in self-forgiveness, you are ready to work on a specific past failure, mistake, error or misdeed.

A. List a failure, mistake, error, misdeed or event for which you are unable to forgive yourself.
B. How much energy, creativity, problem solving capability and focus on growth is sapped from you whenever you recall this past hurt?
C. What feelings come to mind as you recall this past hurt?
D. How would you describe your role in this past event? In what ways were you the victim, perpetrator, enabler, martyr, bystander, instigator, target, scapegoat, distracter, peacemaker, people pleaser or rescuer?
E. Why do you feel strongly over what happened and how you treated yourself or others?
F. What did this event do to your self-esteem and self-worth?
G. Who was responsible for your reaction to the incident?
H. Who was responsible for your feelings about the incident?
I. Who was responsible for your inability to forgive yourself?
J. How can you forgive yourself?
K. How can you put this incident behind you?
L. How can you avoid being so hurt when something like this happens again?

Step 3: Once you have thought out how to forgive yourself for this past mistake, failure, error or event, use this self-forgiveness mirror work script. For the next thirty days let go of your self-anger, self-blaming, self-hatred, self-disgust and self-pity over this specific past event by spending time in front of a mirror using this script.

Self-Forgiveness Mirror Script

I forgive you for (the past event).
You are a human being subject to making mistakes and errors.
You do not need to be perfect in order for me to love you.
This (past event) is just an example of the challenges which you have been given on earth by your Higher Power.
You will meet the challenge and grow by handing the pain and hurt from this problem (past event) over to your Higher Power to take it off your shoulders.
You don't need to be so burdened by the pain and hurt you feel because of this (past event).
You are a good person. I love you.
You deserve my understanding, compassion and forgiveness.
You deserve to come out from behind the wall you have built around yourself as a result of this (past event).
Hand the wall over to your Higher Power so you can become more visible to me and others.
I love seeing you, talking to you and listening to you.
You have within you all you need to grow in self-esteem, self-confidence, self-respect and self-deservedness.
There is nothing you have ever done that can't be forgiven by me.
You did the best you could knowing what you did at the time.
You have compulsive and impulsive habitual ways of acting which you are working to change.
You may have slip ups again but as long as you get back on the wagon of recovery and keep on trying that's good enough for me.
You no longer need to condemn yourself for this (past event).
You are forgiven. I love you and I am so happy to have you in my life.
You and I are best friends and together we will gain strength by giving all our past hurt, pain, guilt, self-anger and self-hatred over to our Higher Power.
I feel lighter as we talk because I feel the burden of the hurt, pain and guilt over this (past event) lifting from my shoulders.
I see you holding your head up and standing taller as I forgive you for this (past event).
I know that your Higher Power has forgiven you and I feel the peace and serenity of letting go of the need to hold on to it (past event) anymore.
I forgive you because you deserve to be forgiven. No one needs to hold onto such a burden for so long.
You deserve a better life than you have been giving yourself.
Let go of this (past event) and know that you are forgiven.
You are a loveable, capable, special person and I promise to continue to work on letting go of hurt and pain from the past which has been preventing your inner healing and self-growth.

Step 4: Once you have forgiven yourself fully over the past incident, repeat Step 3, addressing one at a time all the past or present incidents of hurting yourself or others for which you need to forgive yourself.

Step 5: When you have exhausted your list of incidents for which you need self-forgiveness, you will be on the road to self-recovery. If you have problems in the future, return to Step 1 and begin again.

::::::::::::::::::::::::

Thanks Lance Armstrong and friends....

~Ash

My monsters

godandcigarettes@gmail.com (God and Cigarettes) — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 07:45:00 +0000

I've decide to befriend my monsters.

I've been struggling with them for too long. It's time I welcomed them in, listened to them and heard what they have to say. They are with me to teach me, correct me and train me. Not really to scare me but rather scare me "back to myself". Away from who I am not supposed to be. Scare me into my true self. My nature.

I will learn to celebrate them. They are, after all, monsters of my own making. Monsters who I've created out of my fears and anxieties and lack.

Sure. They have many eyes and arms that reach into places I'd rather they didn't go but they are trying to lead me. Make me see what I refuse to. Things like my loneliness, my fear of intimacy, my desire to be known. They are scaly, wet and slimy. Some are dry and rustle when they move like leaves in October. They are all the parts of me that are unnameable, unmentionable and shameful, but they're all me.

I'm tired of cowering in fear of them.

I need to learn to see them and understand them. I need to become unapologetically "okay with myself" including them, the parts of me that I've been hiding.

I am the collection of my best and worst selves. I am all the heroic moments and all the regrettable moments. The choices I've made, the mistakes I've made and the place I now find myself in. I am okay. I am not noteworthy nor despicable. I am simply a human being. Not special. But not like any other either.

I am worth knowing, worth hearing and worth loving. There are others like me but none the same as me. There are those that are compliments to me and those that desire to highlight my failings for spectacle in order to make themselves appear to be more worthy by comparison. There are those that wish to walk with me and those that wish to expose, belittle and berate me.

This is not unique either.

We all have our champions and our foils. Time to accept it for what it is. Life. The rules seem to be that we should try to attract our champions and avoid our foils. (Or at least learn to maneuver around them.) Life is too short to allow them to take us out or accept their harsh attacks as truth and work in vain to remake ourselves in their image.

So. Yes. I am identifying with all of me. Not just the good parts. All the parts. Including the monsters.

Welcome. Take a seat and let's get to know one another.

Please pray for me

godandcigarettes@gmail.com (God and Cigarettes) — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 06:47:00 +0000

I don't know what to do but I feel like I can't date anymore for a while. The idea of being alone scares me as does the idea of trying to connect with people (esp other men).

I used to want to be "real" all the time and now I can't bear the thought. To be real (other than here were I'm real but unknown) scares me cuz it comes bundled with shame and guilt and regret and often with either pity or condemnation.

I need to learn to spend time on my own and both forgive myself and learn to like myself again.

I don't have faith these days so it may seem foolish to ask for prayers but I'm not sure what else to ask for and nobody's checks are going to help even if I asked for money.

Sorry. I'm tired and writing crap.

~Ash

PS: More importantly, my ex needs prayers and support as she has been diagnosed with ovarian cysts and is in pain and scared. I can't do anything for her.

I cringe at the worship music.

godandcigarettes@gmail.com (God and Cigarettes) — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 07:43:00 +0000

I stuck my toe in church but haven't felt like doing it again.
I cringe at the worship music.

I don't like this God anymore. He doesn't seem to be there for me or care when I hurt.
When I read the Bible (which is very rarely now) it seems like a lot of hollow sentiments and condemnation for me.

I have strayed so far in search of a place where I might be accepted and feel a sense of belonging. (just as I am)

I've dipped my toe in the worlds of homosexuality and anonymous sex. Neither satisfies and usually sickens me.

I no longer feel like I can go to church. The guilt and shame hang on me so heavily and I feel that if anyone knew who I really am and what I've done the tongue clicking and finger wagging would start all over again. Or in some ways, worse yet, I'd be subject to a lot of patronizing statements about how God loves us and forgives all etc. and piteous glances.

I don't want to "unpack all my stuff" again and again in order to see if I can be accepted or if I'll be rejected again and yet if I don't, I feel like a faker.

If I have to keep smiling and pretend to be all okay inside when I'm not, I'll go nuts!
If I have to pretend to believe that God is watching out for me (and us all) and He has a plan that is good and benevolent (yet unseen), I'll likewise go nuts.
It all seems so phony and pious and shiny and artificially happy.

Where is the hope for healing?

Where is this forgiveness? And what exactly should I expect when forgiven?

It won't bring back my marriage.
It won't undo the shame I've caused my family and friends.
It won't undo any of the shit.

Am I supposed to ever feel whole and worthwhile again? (cuz I don't)

I'm just in a bad place right now and very dissilussioned / confused as to what I think about God.

~Ash

Not dead yet...

godandcigarettes@gmail.com (God and Cigarettes) — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 09:08:00 +0000

Every once in a while someone drops by, kicks me in the side and says "wake-up!" Your emails do that for me. This one arrived today from "G" and was a blessing to me...

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

hello from a stranger

Hello. Just read a small section of your blog - I found it by googling "I don't see any point to my life" - !

While I don't share your specific struggles in this life, I have my own monsters to deal with. And my own mean little dog, nipping and growling inside my head. I, too, am a Christian with a faith that has long ebbed and flowed down through the years - sometimes I'm a red hot believer, sometimes God (if he exists) seems a total irrelevance. I suffer from depression which tints everything in my life on a spectrum somewhere between grey and black. I don't believe there's any need to suffer from it; in fact, it's against my theology. Yet still it grabs me, usually when I least expect it, and sometimes I plain can't summon the energy or willpower to fight it, or to "fight the good fight of faith". Today is such a day.

Anyway, I chanced upon your blog and it struck a chord with me. You have articulated well the choices that face us all, such as whether our feelings are in any way related to truth, or whether being alone means you need to be lonely. And for some strange reason, reading your words has helped me get through a very rocky moment in this long, pointless Sunday. Maybe it just made me realise I'm not alone in limping through the Christian life without all the joy and inspiration that many profess to find in God - we may be less visible and certainly less vocal, but there are probably lots of us out here in the shadows. So I just thought I'd tell you that what you have written has helped someone else.

I hope you're doing ok - I truly believe that just surviving can be good enough.

G.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Wow.

Thanks so much for saying "Hi" G.

I'm honoured that anything I've said could have been a help to you (or anyone else). I've been walking the line between striving towards God and giving up on Him entirely. But I can't do it. As much as I'm angry with Him, confused by Him and frustrated/angry with myself, I can't yet give up on Him or on myself.

I need to believe there is yet something, some tiny germ of good left in me. A little spark that, God-wiling, can again be fanned into a vibrant and life-giving faith. And yet, I struggle with loneliness and the fear that it may be too late for me. That I may be all out of "reprieves from the governor" so-to-speak.

My apathy and depression have allowed me to wander very far from what I once held dear. "Who will know?" and "Who will care?" I tell myself. Trying to convince myself that I am, in fact, a lost cause. But I can't buy it. Deep inside I know there IS yet hope for Him to make something out of the dung heap I call my life. (Even flowers grow in heaps of shit don't they?).

I went to church again on Sunday for the first time in well over a year and while it was for me, a hollow service of ceremony and liturgy, I did still come away with some sense of God's presence and a peace that I didn't have when I wakled in. Again, in an effort to convince myself what crap I am, I masturbated an hour before church, wore entirely black, smoked a ciagrette all the way up to the door and when I came in, I sat at the very back so as to make a quick exit if need be.

I was dipping one toe in the water. But I went.

It has helped and I sense less anxiety and panic than before. The Devil's grip has loosened somewhat and I'm able to see a little clearer because of it.

I want to say again, "Thanks" for stopping by and encouraging me with your note. I'd suggest that you check out the forums on http://www.xxxchurch.com if you'd like a good place to vent, reach out and connect with people who understand where you're at and what you're going through. I've been blessed many times by kind people there. Russ Shaw has a blog and podcast called "Attitudes of Sexual Integrity" you might want to check out as well. He's pretty edgy but has a real haert or God and is a wonderful guy. Say "hi" from me if you drop by there.

I don't check this email often as I've nearly abandoned G&C but if I know people are reading it and blessed in some way by it, I will certainly make an effort to be there.

Have a sober day and please don't be too hard yourself.

Your new friend and brother,

~Ash

Last days

godandcigarettes@gmail.com (God and Cigarettes) — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 02:35:00 +0000

I've spent today in a fog after sleeping until about 3 pm.

Tomorrow is officially, my last day as a married man. October 13th will mark the end of my marriage.

I sat wondering what to do with myself. Not just for today but for the rest of my life. As always, my thoughts turn to my past; my failings, my shame, my losses. The thoughts begin to eclipse everything else.

Nothing exists but hopelessness.

At some deeper level I know better. My thoughts are like a little mean dog, nipping at me and growling. They push me to places and ideas that would never enter my mind otherwise.

I have nowhere to go. I have nobody to blame and there will be no white knights or last minute armies coming over the horizon to ward off my enemy.

The battle is exclusively mine.

Yes. I know that the Bible says that He is there in my corner in some way or other. The Holy Spirit whispers the way to me and empowers me. And yet the war is still much harder than I have been prepared for. My sense of lack overwhelms me. I am so powerless and whether He is really there or not, I don't know. Maybe He is there prompting me to write this right now. Telling me (or reminding me) of the unwritten future that lays ahead.

I heard somewhere (I believe it was in The Secret) that the Present is not the definition of us. We are as yet incomplete. The person we are at this moment is merely a person that has thus far been created by our past. We can always choose whether to stay on that track or make changes and become someone else. This is a powerful and yet elusive thought If only it was as easy as reaching for the right tool, cracking open the hood and applying a few twists of the wrench. Change for me, seems as impossible and improbable as the idea of performing my own brain surgery. The hand with the scalpel in it is the same hand powered by the head I am endeavoring to cut open.

Self analysis has lead me to a place of clarity and despair. Clearly I am at the helm of this shipwreck and clearly the damage has been great. I understand the nature of my problems to some degree and yet, have not been able to overcome. Depression and heartache have been with me for so long that a life without them seems hard to imagine.

What is it about me that causes such a sense of sadness?

What have I left undone exactly?

In what ways have I been so terrible? (my sexual indiscretions notwithstanding)
Why do I hate myself so much? Insist of unfavorably comparing myself all the time? It's as if I have an internal terrorist in me; running around and blowing up anything that looks like promise, growth or success.

Why am I afraid to succeed? To grow? Is my self perception so skewed as to believe it's not possible for me? That success and happiness are not meant for me?

Why do I see myself in such a negative light? Where did the messages come from and what can I do to change them?

Looking objectively at my life at this moment, I see a lot of childish, self-destructive rebellion. Smoking, not eating, late nights, desperate searches for companionship, illegal downloading and on and on. My negative self-perception is driving the ship right now. It is trying to make my real life line up with my imagined self. Creating a self that is pathetic, weak, dark, immoral, and valueless.

I am more. I know I was created for a reason and not simply as a warning sign for fools who wander away from the path. I have a purpose and there is hope for a new and better self. But I need to draw a line between the past and the present in order to move into a new, self-determined future. I can't afford to wallow anymore. If even by a force of the will, I have to decide that I am worth saving. I have too many years left to wander the Earth and I haven't yet been invited to leave it.

God, if You're there, if You still care for me, please lead me out of this dark way and set my feet on the path again. I am so lost and tired and lonely. I need You desperately.

~Ash

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

godandcigarettes@gmail.com (God and Cigarettes) — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 07:04:00 +0000

You know that "emergency test signal" that runs on TV at times?

Let's consider my several months of silence one of those shall we?

My apologies to those of you who actually kept in touch and listened / read my stuff.

I need to remember WHO I am....

I am still my daughters' Daddy. (regardless of the stupid things I've done.)
I am still someone good to know. Someone who can make you laugh, who cares for people and tries to be kind and good.
I am still someone who is talented at what he does and loves to help others do better too. I'm eager to encourage nd lift up the hurting. Always have been.
I am fun and funny.
I am good-natured and easy-going (usually)
I have a lot to say even if I can't find the words at times...
I intend to make something of this wreck of a life. No matter how hard that is.

I got a post today. It showed me that someone was still out there and reading my blog. I had been thinking recently about shutting it down and filing all the content away soemwhere. But this reminded me that I'm helped by writing too. (Thanks Mr Anonymous.)

I had a day of "caring for myself" today. It was an ordinary day as days go except that for me, it was a day when I felt like I stopped running from myself for a while. I washed clothes, cleaned my apartment, cooked the chili recipe that I haven't made in years (damn it's good) and generally hung out with my "family of one".

I need to remind myself of the difference between "lonely" and "alone". I can be alone and choose not to be lonely. I can choose to engage with the world around me. I can say hello to people, lend a hand, browse the neighbourhood and take time to talk with strangers. It doesn't have to be an ugly existence. That part is up to me.

I've heard it said, and I'm sure you have too, that we can't change the world but we can change the world in us. I think that's true. Lately, however, I have been choosing to try to drown out the disturbing thoughts that rattle around in my head instead of acknowledging them, thinking them and struggling with them to find the path to growth.

I've discovered that the "path to growth" is usually the harder of the two roads and as I've felt so very wiped out from the events of the past year, I've increasingly chosen the easier path of passivity.

It's getting late (12:30am) I'd better head to bed and write more tomorrow.

Anywayyyy... if you're reading me. Thanks. I'm glad to be back and look forward to hearing from you.

~Ash

Truth and feelings

godandcigarettes@gmail.com (God and Cigarettes) — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 03:54:00 +0000

TRUTH doesn't require my agreement.

It doesn't change with my feelings. And it exists apart from me whether I acknowledge it or not.

I have for the past few months, become more and obsessed with myself and my feelings. I've acted as if my feelings were themselves TRUTH. If I feel it, it must be true. The fact is, my feelings are largely based on my perceptions of the world around me. The people who offend me, the conversations that upset me, the phone calls and emails that bother me are all perceived through my grid of self-condemnation and pride.

I have made a conscious decision to allow my feelings to rule and have chosen to block any and all thoughts that would cause me inner conflict. My self-perceptions, thoughts and feelings have led me astray. I've decided that to be happy I must have validation and so I've sought out validation in a relationship. It worked for a short time until she began to question who I was, what I stood for and how committed I was to her. I folded.

Today I am fighting back a choking sensation in my throat similar to the feeling I've had just as I'm about to cry. And yet no tears are ready in the wings. I know this is a combination of negative thoughts, regrets and a side -effect of a new anti-depressant I've added to the other one I'm on. Yet the fact that these feelings are not necessarily real doesn't help them to fade away. Faith, it seems, requires me to believe before I receive. Trusting in a God who, though I can't see Him or hear Him, is nonetheless nearby and caring for me. I am not supposed to be concerned with the fact that His will and mine are often in conflict and thus my prayers seemingly go unanswered. I am not to be concerned with the lump in my throat or the anxieties that make my heart race at times. I am simply to believe and wait. And regardless of the outcome of my prayers, I am to be grateful and praise Him.

I'm finding this very difficult.

My wife called today and asked (somewhat out of the blue) if I thought there was any chance for us getting back together. I want to say "yes". But I have not become a better man in this past year. I have become darkened and disillusioned . My once repentant heart now simply beats against my wishes. It is dead and hopeless. I don't have any desire to return to the place of constant analysis of my thoughts, my eyes and my prayers. I loved God and I loved my wife at one time. It just hurts too much to try that again. I'm sure the same would be true for her. How could she ever trust me again? Or allow me to lead in any way?

I have no idea how we could rebuild when I don't trust God at this point and she doesn't (and shouldn't) trust me. What foundation is there on which to build?

~Ash

FRUSTRATION!!!

godandcigarettes@gmail.com (God and Cigarettes) — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 05:51:00 +0000

I had a great day with my girls today.
We baked cookies, had dinner and hung out in the backyard drawing on a blanket. They had lots of hugs and kisses for me. Nice.

Then I went to visit my Mom....

Another story.

Shheeeeiittt!

She can be such a pain!

She "gave" my wife and I some money years ago to help us get into our house. It was in fact a promissory note. Meaning that whenever she wanted she could ask for the money back. (her way of ensuring she'd be taken care of in later years I 'spose) Of course as soon as she hears we're divorcing she mentions the money and reminds us that she wants it back.

From that point on she's been nosing around. Watching all the comings and goings at the house (where my wife is with the kids) She makes sure to let me know who drops in and how late they stay. She lets me know that so-and-so seemed to have stayed overnight. As if I'd want to hear that (true or not!) I told her already to mind her own business and that I didn't want to hear it. But again tonight she went on about it. My wife has assured me that she ended her realtionship with the guy she was seeing briefly and that she never had sex with him. And I belive her. She's a very honourable person.

Instead of asking me for details of the divorce, (as if she's entitled to know...) she calls my brother and bitches and gossips over there. Dammit! I scolded her for her gossiping and asked why she didn't just call me instead and that it was my fucking divorce NOT my brother's! She went on and on about how upset she's been and how she is up till 2 am thinking about it all.

It ALWAYS has to be all about her.

She really doesn't NEED the money at the moment. She continues to "gild the lily" of her already perfect home (granite coutertops, kitchen re-do, new roof, new fence, professional gardeners, landscaping, new furniture etc etc.) She just has a bee in her bonnet that she is owed the money and she can't stand that things don't seem fair and equitable to her. FUUUUCCCCKKK!

She is such a nosey old nag.

It's gonna' be hard finacially but I think we have to scratch up the money to pay her just to get her to shut up and go away.

Sorry for the rant.

I'm just so pissed off. I yelled at her used the F-bomb etc. (all very uncharacteristic) She was on the verge of tears and yet continued to justify herself etc.

Maddening!

~Ash (the potty-mouth)

Okay. That's enough. It has to stop now.

godandcigarettes@gmail.com (God and Cigarettes) — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 23:34:00 +0000

I've been moving forward looking backward for the past several months. Licking my wounds and picking at my sores.

It's time to decide to heal.

There are no answers in rehashing the past. I can't live there anymore. Analyzing and reanalyzing every mistake I've made and every bad decision and every conversation. It just renews the black cloud overhead and makes seeing forward impossible.

I need to just believe that God and my wife have BOTH forgiven me.

And I need to remember that forgiveness and acceptance are NOT the same thing. She would be foolish to take me back. She has to let the whole thing go (forgiveness) and decide to move forward too. Which she seems to have done quite nicely. Maybe in a year or so when she's faced with moving out of our home and dividing our assets, she'll feel different, but for now, she seems to have made a lot of healthy choices and is moving on.

Her faith has grown stronger and stronger while mine has all but vanished.

Last week she floated the idea that perhaps we should reconsider the divorce. In my anger and pride I was aloof and suspicious. I doubted her sincerity and her reasons for it. (I still do I suppose).

I am still a very flawed person. Maybe more than ever. I haven't grown in this time apart except that I've grown harder and more calloused. I've gotten secretive, dark, suspicious and angry. I am not over my addiction though I understand it more I suppose. I have had times of being lost in it and I have had times of great remorse and repentance. I have been thoroughly convicted of my sinfulness but have not really found any sort of new hope in God or the future.

The future seems at this point, largely a series of decisions to behave in new ways in order to learn to love myself and become someone better. Whether God helps or not, is beyond my understanding and control. I offer up half-hearted prayers on occasion in the same way someone might rub a rabbit's foot or other good luck charm. God will do what He will do and my efforts to change His mind or change the path I will walk are entirely useless.

Maybe in time we will become reacquainted. I hope so.

For now though, I must resolve to identify who I am, what I stand for, what I will and won't do and set those boundaries firmly in place. The degrees of self-indulgence I've allowed myself can't be justified if I want to be someone of integrity.

So, by force of will, I am making choices to live differently.

I resolve to:

• lose weight
• stop smoking
• make regular contact with my daughters
• make regular contact with friends
• get out and do social activities with others
• NOT become emotionally/physically entangled in another relationship
• give to others
• engage with people at work

It's a start.

~Ash

Who am I?

godandcigarettes@gmail.com (God and Cigarettes) — Tue, 27 May 2008 06:08:00 +0000

I have lost the desire to continue to strive for purity. I fail every time. And what exactly is the point of choosing to fight in a battle that can't be won?

That said...

What is left for my daughters should I leave the path?
Can I father them when I can't even walk with integrity myself?

I have reunited with "M" again after yet another breakup. Deciding that loneliness is not a pathway to healing and wholeness. Just more self-imposed pain and isolation.

"Grace" if there is such a thing must also operate for us when we can't reach out for it. How can I reach up for the God who asked me to confess what I did and then abandoned me to my emotional whirlwind and destruction when I did?

I can't reach out for Him. I don't even want to anymore.

I don't see any point to my life even if I were to be released from my condemnation. Why should I attempt the same path of accountability, transparency and vulnerability that brought me to this place?

There is no comfort from Him. There is only the unrelenting sense of failure to measure up. I am a disappointment to Him as I was to my own Dad.

Fuck. I hate life at the moment. I'd leave by I'm not invited yet. And my girls would never understand if I did.

With a gun it could all be finished. I could end this chapter and move on to the next. But if the God I am am so upset with and who is so mysterious to me, is in fact the main resident of Heaven, how can I expect to barge in? And would I want to be there in His presence? Could I even be there if He allowed it?

I don't want to think anymore or journal and yet my head is such a fog that I HAVE to. I sound incoherent and ramb-ley even to myself...

~Ash

A note from the past...

godandcigarettes@gmail.com (God and Cigarettes) — Tue, 27 May 2008 06:04:00 +0000

I came across this journal entry from nearly 1 year ago when I was struggling with whether to share my failures to my wife or not.

If I knew now what I knew then, would I have done it? I don't think so.

Secrecy would have been far better.

::::::::::::::::::::

May 23 2007

Undefined. Or redefined.

What will be the outcome of a confession of this sort?

Does a secret have the power to change you? Or destroy you?
Are there some types of information that are simply too harmful to hear? Too damning to allow the status quo?

If this story should cause the dissolution I think it will, what is the reason to continue a path I can't walk with integrity?
Can I (or should I) continue to move towards something that hurts me?

Now I am past the point no return.

The only decision left is how deep to sink the knife.
She will be cut. She will hurt and we will die.

God. Father.

Please make something beautiful from this pointy jaggedy pain. Either make of me the perfect liar or make my face shiny and hard enough to be slapped, kicked and screamed at. Both are bad but which is worse? I can live after the screams but I can't without you.

Please help me. Show me how to jump from this place and how to be crushed.

~Ash

Untangled.

godandcigarettes@gmail.com (God and Cigarettes) — Tue, 13 May 2008 07:36:00 +0000

I've been away.

I got myself emotionally tangled up in a relationship. And wandered away from God and everyone who cares about me. It just seemed easier than dealing with things and praying more. But the longer I was in the relationship, the greater the stress inside me became.

We broke it off (or nearly broke it off) several times in the space of our few weeks together. I would become convicted of how wrong the relationship was and how I was making choices that I would have to hide from my kids and my kids' mom but I didn't care as long as I felt like I could convince my self that somehow it'd work out. Plus there was lots of sex.

Sometimes I'd pray for God to help me and then later we'd have a conversation that made me think we should break up or put things on hold. Other times, she'd express her concern that she was "my pill" for the discomforts of life. She knew that I was sexually addicted and I shared my WHOLE story with her. I even gave her the address to my blog which she read and listened to.

But she said she accepted me anyway.

She went on and on about how wonderful I was and how crazy she was about me. And frankly I ate it up. I needed (or felt I needed) someone to affirm me and she was doing just that.

Last night it ended.

She said she felt as though she could be anyone. She said she was concerned that I was still pining for my wife and that I was acting out with her to avoid my pain. And lastly, that all she was for me was a "receptacle".

I got up, got dressed and drove home.

Thinking about things today, I realized that if she was right, this was indeed a very unhealthy relationship. It was hurtful to her, to her kids and to me. If she was right, I was being very selfish, addicted and using her.

If she was wrong, it was still bad. It would mean that her insecurities were taking over. That I was sending her signals that said I was only there for the sex and that again, the relationship was unhealthy.

Either way, it seemed to me that things had reached an impasse.

I am sad and relieved at the same time.

Sad because I am again alone, I am starting over again and feeling disconnected.
Relieved because SHE broke things off and not me. I am relieved of the guilty feelings of having to be the "dumper".

I guess this is the reason they say NOT to date so soon after a break-up. I was definately not my best self and brought her a lot of pain and confusion. It was a mistake and while I thought it might end, I would have thought we'd last longer than we did.

I will miss her and her kids though. They were wonderful to be with. I felt I belonged somewhere.

So, now I'm back to zero. Again.

I need God to show me the way. I am really feeling lost.

~Ash

40 Questions for Self-Diagnosis (from SLAA)

godandcigarettes@gmail.com (God and Cigarettes) — Sun, 06 Apr 2008 18:40:00 +0000

40 Questions for Self Diagnosis
excerpted © 1985 S.L.A.A.

The following questions are designed to be used as guidelines to identifying possible signposts of sex and love addiction. They are not intended to provide a sure-fire method of diagnosis, nor can negative answers to these questions provide absolute assurance that the illness is not present. Many sex and love addicts have varying patterns which can result in very different ways of approaching and answering these questions. Despite this fact, we have found that short, to-the-point questions have often provided as effective a tool for self-diagnosis as have lengthy explanations of what sex and love addiction is. We appreciate that the diagnosis of sex and love addiction is a matter that needs to be both very serious and very private. We hope that these questions will prove helpful.

1.) Have you ever tried to control how much sex to have or how often you would see someone?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

2.) Do you find yourself unable to stop seeing a specific person even though you know that seeing this person is destructive to you?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

3.) Do you feel that you don't want anyone to know about your sexual or romantic activities?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

4.) Do you get "high" from sex and/or romance?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

5.) Have you had sex at inappropriate times, in inappropriate places, and/or with inappropriate people?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

6.) Do you make promises to yourself concerning your sexual or romantic behavior that you find you cannot follow?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

7.) Have you had or do you have sex with someone you don't (didn't) want to have sex with?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

8.) Do you believe that sex and/or a relationship will make your life bearable?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

9.) Have you ever felt that you had to have sex?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

10.) Do you believe that someone can "fix" you?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

11.) Do you keep a list, written or otherwise, of the number of partners you've had?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

12.) Do you feel desperation or uneasiness when you are away from your lover or sexual partner?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

13.) Have you lost count of the number of sexual partners you've had?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

14.) Do you feel desperate about your need for a lover, sexual fix, or future mate?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

15.) Have you or do you have sex regardless of the consequences (e.g.. the threat of being caught, the risk of contracting herpes, gonorrhea, AIDS, etc.)?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

16.) Do you find that you have a pattern of repeating bad relationships?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

17.) Do you feel that your only (or major) value in a relationship is your ability to perform sexually, or provide an emotional fix?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

18.) Do you feel that you're not "really alive" unless you are with your sexual / romantic partner?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

19.) Do you feel entitled to sex?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

20.) Do you find yourself in a relationship that you cannot leave?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

21.) Have you ever threatened your financial stability or standing in the community by pursuing a sexual partner?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

22.) Do you believe that the problems in your "love life" result from continuing to remain with the "wrong" person?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

23.) Have you ever had a serious relationship threatened or destroyed because of outside sexual activity?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

24.) Do you feel that life would have no meaning without a love relationship or without sex?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

25.) Do you find yourself flirting or sexualizing with someone even if you do not mean to?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

26.) Does your sexual and/or romantic behavior affect your reputation?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

27.) Do you have sex and/or "relationships" to try to deal with, or escape from life's problems?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

28.) Do you feel uncomfortable about your masturbation because of the frequency with which you masturbate, the fantasies you engage in, the props you use, and/or the places in which you do it?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

29.) Do you engage in the practice of voyeurism, exhibitionism, etc. in ways that bring discomfort and pain?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

30.) Do you find yourself needing greater and greater variety and energy in your sexual or romantic activities just to achieve an "acceptable" level of physical and emotional relief?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

31.) Do you need to have sex, or "fall in love" in order to feel like a "real man" or a "real woman"?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

32.) Do you feel that your sexual and romantic behavior is about as rewarding as hijacking a revolving door?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

33.) Are you unable to concentrate on other areas of your life because of thoughts or feelings you are having about another person or about sex?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

34.) Do you find yourself obsessing about a specific person or sexual act even though these thoughts bring pain, craving or discomfort?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

35.) Have you ever wished you could stop or control your sexual and romantic activities for a given period of time?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

36.) Do you find the pain in your life increasing no matter what you do?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

37.) Do you feel that you lack dignity and wholeness?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

38.) Do you feel that your sexual and/or romantic life affects your spiritual life in a negative way?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

39.) Do you feel that your life is unmanageable because of your excessive dependency needs?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

40.) Have you ever thought that there might be more you could do with your life if you were not so driven by sexual and romantic pursuits?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

:::::::::::::::::::::

From Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous
http://www.slaafws.org

called to rock

godandcigarettes@gmail.com (God and Cigarettes) — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 05:09:00 +0000

siren calls me to rock
then warns me away.
rats flee my dark holds
slivers, quivers, shudders and brakes
grounded almost
but carried away.

infinite hands
reach down
to confuse and confound

adrift again
I yearn once more to be run aground.
to crash on her shore —
to be found and redeemed
walk meandering paths
and her aimless, forgetful trails.
make sparkle eyes and tickle hands.
to be lost in her elsewheres.
in her way.

but I know lost too well to stay.

my path is for sextants and stars
visions, dreams and prophecies.
newly found selves. dusted shelves.
broken bones and ancient tomes.

sparkle yourself!

dig the treasure of you.
find the map of yourself and alone your way home
to the hearth of you
the warmth, the light
and the heart of you.

Songs Du Jour

godandcigarettes@gmail.com (God and Cigarettes) — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 06:45:00 +0000

I discovered these both today and they speak LOUDLY to me. I wanted to share them with you. The player below plays them both one after the other. The lyrics are here as well:

Bjork: "Play Dead" (from the album "Greatest Hits" )

darling stop confusing me
with your wishful thinking
hopeful enbraces
don't you understand?
i have to go through this
i belong to here where
no-one cares and no-one loves
no light no air to live in
a place called hate
the city of fear

i play dead
it stops the hurting
i play dead
and the hurting stops

it's sometimes just like sleeping
curling up inside my private tortures
i nestle into pain
hug suffering
caress every ache

i play dead
it stops the hurting

Arcade Fire: " My Body Is A Cage" (from the album "Neon Bible")

My body is a cage that keeps me
From dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

My body is a cage that keeps me
From dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

I'm standing on a stage
Of fear and self-doubt
It's a hollow play
But they'll clap anyway

My body is a cage that keeps me
From dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

You're standing next to me
My mind holds the key

I'm living in an age
That calls darkness light
Though my language is dead
Still the shapes fill my head

I'm living in an age
Whose name I don't know
Though the fear keeps me moving
Still my heart beats so slow

My body is a cage that keeps me
From dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

You're standing next to me
My mind holds the key
My body is a

My body is a cage
We take what we're given
Just because you've forgotten
That don't mean you're forgiven

I'm living in an age
That screams my name at night
But when I get to the doorway
There's no one in sight

My body is a cage that keeps me
From dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

You're standing next to me
My mind holds the key

Set my spirit free
Set my spirit free
Set my body free

A Letter to my "Sponsor"

godandcigarettes@gmail.com (God and Cigarettes) — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 06:44:00 +0000

I’ve had “second thoughts” on my “second thoughts.”

I will always love and respect you but I want to experience some joy in my life and this walk of introspection, self-examination and attempts at conversation with God is wearing me out.

I only see guilt and condemnation when I look in the Bible and the path seems impossible for me.

My desires are in opposition to the Word of God and they seem to have been for years.
It’s a losing battle.
If I surrender I hurt and if I obey I hurt.

My relationship with God has brought me to my knees and held me there. And the hurting never ends. I’m only left with a far away hope that’s always just beyond my reach.

I don’t want to continue trying to believe in far away hopes and far away healings. My relationship with God feels hard, cold and distant. There is no life in this for me.

I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to continue meeting together Ken.

I’m sorry.

mar 25 2008

godandcigarettes@gmail.com (God and Cigarettes) — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 14:06:00 +0000

i came here to leave
and see if you'd follow

i came here to see
if you love me the same

i've followed and fallen
and wrecked after you

i'm broken and battered
and tired of the race

my tears have dried up now
along with my dreams

my wishes are gone
except that you show me

the reason to fall after you
again and again

manger

godandcigarettes@gmail.com (God and Cigarettes) — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 14:05:00 +0000

my heart is a manger
a filthy dark place
in need of your presence
in need of your grace

come jesus
be born here
my saviour, my hope
I can't leave this disaster
I'm looking for rope

I'm tangled in briars
I'm lost and alone
enticed here by liars
with hearts of cold stone

come quickly my brother
my father, my own
come quickly my shepherd
my fountain, my home

Back and Forth

godandcigarettes@gmail.com (God and Cigarettes) — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 21:41:00 +0000

I spoke with my GF yesterday. ("girlfriend" seems such a dumb word when you're in your 40's... what's the right word?). She called from Australia where she's been traveling with her daughter. Lucky so-and-so...

She hasn't been checking in on the blog and podcast though she heard "Nekkid" before she left. She's looking for reassurance of our relationship. She knows, or thinks she knows about my internal struggles but I doubt she understands how hard it is for me to make a stand and stick with it.

I find myself saying one thing on the podcast and then flip-flopping the next day when I talk to her. These "hardline stances" seem so arbitrary and needlessly painful. After-all, my divorce IS going to go through whether I'm in another relationship or not. I'm on my own and whether I do all the right things according to the church (or not) I am still on my own. It doesn't change my past and it doesn't make me a happier person to deny myself this relationship either.

I DO however, realize that I have a long way to go before I am in the right "head-space" to love someone unselfishly. I am still dealing with a great deal of guilt, regret and self-loathing. And I still sense that she is adopting the role of "cheerleader" and "nurse" whether she'd say so or not. It's her nature. She comes by it honestly due to her rocky past. She and my wife were both raised in homes with an alcoholic and I think in that situation kids learn to become care-givers and to try to compensate for Mom and Dad's weaknesses. It's co-dependency I think and it's the perfect match for an addict. Someone who can take responsibility for (or try to take responsibility for) another person's happiness.

I could sense it right away. She's always trying to clear away my clouds and polish my halo. And I'm always trying to put myself down so that she'll say more encouraging and kind things. It's somewhat like when someone goes "fishing for compliments" ... you know how it works... they'll say "oh I'm ugly and nobody would want to be with me" to which you are obligated to say... "no you're not. you're very pretty. I'd want to be with you..."

I'm sure you've experienced that.

So. Here's the thing. I'm fairly certain that this relationship is not the right thing for me (and probably not for her either). And yet quite frankly, I WANT to be with her. And she wants to be with me. We really enjoy each other.

If we admit these things up front does it make it okay for us to go ahead anyway?
Can we simply enjoy what we have for now?
If we continue to work on our issues and admit the tendency or us to get tangled up in each other, can we still choose to be together for as long as it lasts?

I dunno'.

I just know that right now there's nowhere I'd rather be than in her arms. I miss her.

This is "double-mindedness".

~Ash

ILYBICD Video for "The Owl"

godandcigarettes@gmail.com (God and Cigarettes) — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 07:15:00 +0000

No comment.

~Ash

I love you but I've chosen darkness.

godandcigarettes@gmail.com (God and Cigarettes) — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 06:58:00 +0000

A friend wrote me recently converened for my well-being and state of mind.
Below are his comments as well as my response.

Is there anything you want to say?
I mean, you have put a lot on the line by way of your blog and podcast,
but for those of us who do email you semi-regularly, do you have anything else
going on or ?

I wish I had the guts to be open as you have been,
I'm sorry I/we have taken advantage of that to a certain degree. :(

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Don't take any responsibilty for me please.
I've made my own mess.

I started a relationship with a really nice woman (and "yes" it got physical). It's the first time in nearly 9 months that I've been hugged, kissed etc by anyone but my kids.
I told her ALL my junk and she accepted me anyway.

The walk of recovery/christianity is just kicking my butt.
I'm soooo tired of all the introspection and pain. I see no end in sight and no hope of ever having another relationship while I stay in the church. The pastor has said as much. That I can't remarry etc until if and when my wife remarries. And of course you know thye whole schpeil about premarital sex. I won't even go there.

God has hung me out to dry. Clearly I have failed Him and I really don't sense that there is any "pain relief" on this walk. Just the ongoing struggle, guilt and repentance til the day I die. Ad infinitum.
He seems to simply want me to tow the line, obey and believe. All the promises are contingent on that and I have no ability to keep in obedience, therefore I'm screwed. And as for prayer for help... that's really doesn't change anything either. It AGAIN just comes down to me "being a good boy".

I'm tired of watching all the non-believers around me live without the inner turmoil and enjoying life. I want that too.
And it seems thus far to be always JUST beyond my grasp.

Tonight I told my recovery leader I won't be coming back. I've likewise cancelled my counsellor appointments and tomorrow I'll likely tell my accountability partner that I've been lying to him and no longer want to be held to account.
I don't want to live this way anymore.

PS: I came across a band recently named "I love you but I've chosen darkness." Their logo (above) really speaks to me. I'd add a torn effect to the cross though...

~Ash

Nekkid? No Thanks.

godandcigarettes@gmail.com (God and Cigarettes) — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 08:31:00 +0000

I wrote and (tried) to post this podcast last Thursday morning. (Nekkid 080306).
Everything seemed so clear. I was so certain. But then the light of day hit and the realization that I am really not ready to walk out what I just espoused.

Sure.
Tranparency and nakedness are nice in theory. But look at what that has brought me thus far.
Sh*t. That's what.

Hours after sending this lady a copy of my podcast, I caved. I couldn't go through with breaking off the one positive relationship I have.
There was no way.
I recanted my position or at least significantly softened it and basically I've decided to ignore my own advice. (this may be the place where you find another person to follow... clearly, I'm not walking what I talk about).

The road is too hard.
God has taken everything from me and left me with courses, recovery programs and workbooks. The deeper I dig into my psyche, the more I find to despise and the more pain I experience.

I'm tired of it all.
I can't do this.

There is nothing to fill the void in my life except work, recovery groups and self-analysis.
I can't live here anymore.
I'm going mad.

I am posting my podcast anyway.
In case some of you are actually sttrong enough to walk the path I laid out.
I'm not.

I'm thinking of ending my accountability realtionships, counselling sessions, and yanking all the blocking software from my computer.

Pray for me. I'm ready to walk away from all of it. (maybe God too for a while...)

~Ash