Simply Shabby

Joint Compound

2011-12-28T22:43:00.000-07:00

Joint compound....smells horrible, is a slimy, gritty, grey sludge...and will make this corner look like a corner again. So glad I watched how my dad did this stuff.

Whew...phase one is now complete. Tomorrow, we sand these walls.

Stay tuned.

Demolition on a quite afternoon.

2011-12-27T22:53:00.000-07:00

Being homeowner brings new opportunities that I had never quite imagined.

I bought a house November 2010.

I remember very well the first time I walked into this house. The water, electricity and gas had been shut off. The house had been foreclosed about 3 years prior and had sat empty for 2 years. The condition it was in qualified it as a HUD home. With no electricity we roamed through the house with a small flashlight. I didn't even have a clue what the 4th level basement bedroom looked like since it was so dark and cold. There were mice droppings and dead spiders everywhere. It was obvious the house even when inhabited had been neglected. It was an empty shell, some walls had attempts at paint jobs that were obviously left unfinished. The master bathroom was a horrible brown color (who paints a bathroom brown), the main bathroom was an awful navy blue denim looking color. The remaining walls ranged from a dirty brown, a loud yellow, a toothpaste blue, and purple. The grout in the kitchen was black, which my sweet mom later found out after much scrubbing was really a light color. The carpet was immediately removed and new carpet laid by Ben who worked through Thanksgiving to complete it. It was filthy and the saddest looking house on the street. It seemed empty, hollow and sad. It was perfect. I believed that I could repair both this house and my saddened spirit.

I must say. The decision to buy it has been very worthwhile project. With the help of family and loved ones we have given life back to this house. During this process I have gained even more... a sense of independence, security, and individuality I had never before taken time to acknowledge.

I really enjoy working on our home. My latest project...the downstairs bathroom. It had this kind of ugly brown paneling on the wall. Another project that had probably been well thought out but was never quite finished by the previous owner. This wood has always bothered me. It was unfinished wood, and was hastily hung. Some trim was missing and it was going to need to either be repaired and painted or just removed. But it was livable and certainly not high on the priority list when we first moved in.

Having several weeks off from work for the Christmas holiday because my work is closed. I had decided before the break to do some indoor projects that I had put off during the summer months. After the Christmas celebration had been cleaned up I decided to tackle the hallway on the 3rd level. I have several projects on my list but I started with a pretty easy one. Painting the trim and doors. While painting the door frame to the bathroom I kept staring at that ugly wood paneling. It was then and there I decided to do some bathroom demolition. Twenty minutes later I stood back to assess the damage. With a sigh of relief I realized it was not quite as bad as I had imagined. The removal of the paneling, having been carted off to the dumpster by Ben (my friendly handyman), had also removed the funky mildew smell. The walls have no major sheet rock damage, and can easily be filled and sanded. Although this was not something I had planned to do... I suddenly saw before me an empty pallet with endless possibilities...

I look forward to tomorrow. Let the fun begin.

a little piece of our world....

2011-11-29T10:45:00.000-07:00

I decided to change the direction of this blog. Over the past 2 years it has served the purpose of sharing Dustin's battle against lung cancer and my first year of widowhood. A new leaf has turned and I find myself ready to simply share my thoughts on...well... pretty much everything.

I look forward to sharing with you.

Happy Birthday

2011-09-14T09:32:00.002-06:00

You turned 33 today. I wonder what great inventions you would have thought up this last year. What songs you would have written and recorded. What adventures we would have had. I feel you with me always. I see you in the beautiful colors God sends in the sunrise and sunset. I feel your laughter on the wind. I feel your arms around me in the gentle breeze through the window at night. I remember moments and find myself laughing.

We miss you. Thank you for helping me find a new church, for encouraging to pray even when I felt so lost. Thank you for your patience and grace that helped me find my way back. God is taking good care of us...of course you already knew that. :)

My heart will always feel your absence, my life will never be the same...
I will see you when my work is finished...Until then, I love you forever and always.

Remind Dylan that we love him.

Mandy

The eyes of a father and the heart of a child

2011-06-19T10:09:00.004-06:00

Happy Father's day to all of you who have had the privilege to be a father.

To my own dad who as we speak is driving back in the rain to Colorado after 4 days at my house to help me with my bigger "to do" list. He has always been willing to put aside what he needs to do hop in the car and get to one of his kids when we need help. He is an amazing dad, who has shared so many memories with me. From pulling us down the street in the sled, driving me home after gymnastics, fishing, camping, and boating to being there when each of my children were born, moving me on more than one occasion and our latest weekend of building a fence and then replacing the plate lights on the Hyundai. I am very lucky to have amazing parents and fond memories of a very happy childhood.

To the father of my children, Scott. You are my dearest friend. Sometimes I wonder how you have put up with me for all these years because I know it hasn't been easy. You are a great dad and I appreciate you each and every day, even when I don't say it.

To the other men in my life who I look up to as dads, Fred Matney (who spent an entire Saturday on my roof installing a swamp cooler), you are not only a dad to me, but were a wonderful dad to Dustin. To my grandfathers who I miss dearly. To my brother Chris. I am so proud of what a great job you are doing. To my brother Adam, while you don't have kids yet, you possess such wisdom that sometimes I feel I can call you and just talk to you as though you have many years of experience. To Jim, my father-in-law, you are stronger than you know. To James, and Bill and all the men in my life, thank you for being the people you are...

I have found that the rain seems fitting today. I didn't think that today would be anything more than my dad going home, my kids going to Scott's, and me cleaning up after a long weekend of hard work. But this rain has brought different emotions. They are tears from heaven. I like to think they are Dustin's tears. Washing away the sadness that seemed to settle over me earlier today. They are his tears as he looks down on these kids. Always proud. He was an incredible dad. The kids and I were always first in his life. I don't remember too many times even when he was sick that Dustin wasn't at some activity or another that these kids had. I remember Landon's last soccer game last year. It was about 3 weeks before Dustin died. And Dustin was on the sidelines with his cane cheering Landon on. His cell phone was always put away when the kids or I were with him doing something that we thought was important, he wanted us to know he was completely focused on us. You always had Dustin's undivided attention no matter how small the task or accomplishment was. There was never anything that Dustin wouldn't have done for these kids. Much like our own Father in heaven. I am reminded of the profound affect he had on my kids in just listening to them talk and watching them grow up.

I find that today I miss Dylan even more than most days. I believe that the eyes of his father are constantly looking down on him. I hope that Dylan holds securely in his heart the memories of his incredible dad. I hope that he grows to be like him in every way. I pray he remembers how much his dad loves him.

It's another day...gosh I miss him.

A battle with faith.

2011-05-29T11:23:00.003-06:00

I have been battling with my faith over the last 11 months. Me who had such a strong knowledge that God was right there with us helping us through Dustin's cancer. After he died something inside of me started pulling away. I blamed it on the distance for a while. Being that it now takes us 35 minutes just to drive one way to church on Sunday morning after our move. In the winter it was the weather. Some mornings it was just lack of energy to even get myself out of bed. Today, I sat in my kitchen, completely dressed and ready to go to church, I sat at the kitchen table eating a cold leftover waffle from yesterdays breakfast and I stared at flowers I bought Dustin....I sat there until it was too late to take the drive all the way to Kaysville. The entire time the same battle continued in my mind. The question of faith. No matter how may people tell me it was God's will, or God needed Dustin, or it was just his time...(which might I add, I know people mean well, but it doesn't ease the pain of what a person is really experiencing)I still want to stand in front of God with my hands on my hips and ask him to explain himself. Perhaps that seems blasphemous to some, but I feel I have always had a close enough relationship with God to be able to sit down and have a real heart to heart talk with him about this.
I try to sometimes. But I find myself not ready to listen.

I realized that many of our friends and family from the church Dustin and I held so dear may not fully understand what has happened to the Hutt family. We are still here, minus 2. God said to help the widows and children. But I must apologize that this widow has always been pretty independent, somewhat proud and has a really hard time asking for help and reaching out to others, even family.

In my struggle with faith, I have considered finding a church that is a bit closer to home so distance can no longer be an excuse. But that also makes me feel like I have abandoned my Elevation family.

This has been the ultimate battle of my faith. Perhaps God is waiting for me to be okay with all of this and continue down my spiritual journey. Perhaps he is knocking and I am not listening. Perhaps he just is waiting for me to be ready again.

Dustin had such a strong faith. He was passionate about his faith. He was secure in it even when he reached the last moments. I am sure he is in the presence of God. It is faith like his that should inspire others to believe as strongly as he did. His faith was selfless. He shared it with everyone he came in contact with. And it amazes me that he had only dedicated his life to God just a few years before we married. I wish I could follow his lead. But it is hard to when his leaving left such a crater in my life. I keep battling. I have no idea where I am in my faith right now. I believe in God. I always have. I have just lost my way when it comes to connecting with Him.

April 2011

2011-05-01T00:45:00.004-06:00

I haven't been on here in so long. I haven't known what to say all these months. I kind of shut myself off from the world. It was 10 months Thursday since my earth angel and best friend took his last breath. While the world continues on around me in a blur, I can recollect little of it. I am sorry if I have closed myself off.

The kids are good. They are only a month away from wrapping up another school year. They keep me busy and my spirits afloat.

My thoughts are with all of you.

Mandy

Spetember-October

2010-10-12T10:13:00.003-06:00

September.

Dustin would have been 32 on September 14th. Thank you for all the kind well wishes and notes. I celebrated privately for him, we even watched a movie together...except this time I chose a sappy chick flick...I figured he really wouldn't mind.

Annelie turned 15. I get a lump in my throat when I think that next year she will be driving....and in 3 years off to college. One moment while I get a kleenex... Man they grow up fast. It is now a young woman who hugs me. I feel like I blinked and they stopped being babies. *sniff sniff* I didn't want life to get in the way of living anymore.

* * * * *

So, earlier in the month I went to Seattle with some incredible friends for a missions trip for church. We helped a sister church in Bonnie Lake, WA. as they are still getting on their feet. Great things happening there. It was the first time I traveled alone since Dustin's passing. I felt honored to be able to be a part of this exciting journey for this new church. I was reminded that a few people can do amazing things.

My whole month was a whirlwind of thoughts, possible decisions most of them wrong. I am thankful I slowed down for a moment to just soak things in and listen before jumping into what I thought would be good ideas. I am enjoying being home, taking a much needed break from working, and staying in our house that holds so many good memories. I am healing.

* * * * *
It's now October and fall has arrived. The cold mornings, leaves on the grass, pumpkins lined up outside the grocery store, another season left behind.

I am moving forward. The days at home have allowed me the opportunity to start going through Dustin's things. Slowly, reverently, preserving every precious memory. Our home has become less of a shrine, and more of a place where Dustin flows easily through our daily lives. His things no longer sit collecting dust untouched and exactly where he left them. I find them tangled amongst the things that have slowly migrated into their spaces. This is more like the randomness that was so uniquely him. It feels like home again.

I recently returned from a visit to New York City. It was my first time there and I utterly enjoyed each moment with my older brother, sister and my 6 month old nephew. I know the reason they love that city they have called home for the past 10 years. So much to see, to do, and to EAT... It was fabulous! I miss them so much there is never enough time. I came back a bit lighter emotionally. And perhaps a bit wiser in the ways I want to direct my life. I admit I think that my family is too spread out and I wish we were all in the same city, or at least the same state. Perhaps some day.

Now it is mid-October...I joined a water aerobics class. My classmates are all in their late 50's and above (I started out in the easy class) Some of them are widows, I feel they can relate to me, we acknowledge one another with an expression of understanding.

I was telling myself another day...another day... That I got through, or that I needed to get through? What exactly was another day? What was I doing with them? I can't seem to remember. But there is an entire lifetime of "another days" out there for me. Another day to pray, to laugh and to love, to see the sunshine, smell a flower, try a new recipe, to touch, to meet a new friend. Another day to do the things that he can't do anymore. For me and for him, for the memory of us. I will try using my husbands words as my daily mantra...DO SOMETHING but love what you are doing.

So today, being a good day. I am off...to do something I encourage you to do the same.

Remember....I love you.

Mandy

Small Steps

2010-08-31T10:32:00.003-06:00

My Dearest Dusty;

It has been 2 months and 3 days. The pain in my heart is unexplainable. I miss you so much.

August was a decent month. Not too much going on, which is probably good. Much of the month I can't remember. I know I just kept forging ahead. Doing what you asked me to.

I took a trip to Colorado. Dawson went to a camp there through hospice for kids who have lost a family member or close friend. I think it is helping him. He made some good friends that I hope he keeps in contact with.

I celebrated a birthday. Our family and friends were wonderful in making sure I had a nice day. 34...can you believe it. The day after was horrible....you remember...you were there. Thank you for helping me through that rough day. I just wanted to give up. But you...as always shared your wisdom with me, and things are slowly getting better.

The kids started school. Annelie in 9th grade. Seriously can you believe it? She is already having an awesome year. She was talking to me the other day about getting a job. EEK already!! I wonder where all the time went next year she will be driving. She is so beautiful honey.

Dawson, 6th grade. He is in charge of sound at the school. I can imagine you are with him helping him figure out levels and things. He really is growing up. He made me an amazing birthday video. What talent.

Landon started 2nd. Hailey is in his class again. He is happy about that. What a busy inventor. There is always some sort of gadget he is building, just like you.

They are taking care of me.

I think Dylan is starting kindergarten here soon. I know you are with him. I miss him so very much. Please let him know we love him each and every day.

We have really done something right with these kids haven't we. They are all so incredible.

I have been going to work full-time again. Getting ready to take another test towards my CISR. Only 2 left after that. Then onto the next license.

I still call your phone. Just to hear your voice during the day. Sometimes I leave you a message. Sometimes I can't. Sometimes, I just cry.

I can't believe it was 1 year ago last Saturday that you were diagnosed with the Schwannoma. We had such an optimistic outlook at the future. I constantly wish there was more I could have done. Saturday ended up being bittersweet. Dawson was baptized. I took your place in the water next to him. I felt you there. He gave his life completely to God, and I know you helped him and that you were smiling down at us, proud. Did you see Andy??? That was awesome. I wished you were there next to me.

I have decided to sell the van. It just sits there, and I figure perhaps there is another family out there that can get some real use out of it. The guys from your work have been really helpful with that.

I have been struggling to make good decisions. I over analyze everything. I miss your voice of reason and bouncing ideas off of you. I feel so disorganized. My head is cluttered. My emotions are high my self esteem low. I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore without you.

I feel you all around me. I cling to whatever I can. I ache for you. I miss you so very much. Every tear is for you, always you, only you. You fill my mind, and my heart.

I love you all the way to the moon and back...a million times, plus 1.

Be good, have fun, play nice.

Always;

Baby

Fog

2010-07-27T16:23:00.004-06:00

I have been in a fog since Dustin died. Please forgive me for not returning emails or phone calls. The last 31 days, 6 hours and 38 minutes I have been in and out of a blur. However, I feel compelled to write today.

To say I miss Dustin is such an understatement. I couldn't even begin to describe the empty feeling that has settled over me. The first few weeks I was proud of myself. I figured I was doing pretty good holding things together for myself and the kids. I made it through our 2 year anniversary, I returned to work. Then all of a sudden, BAM!!! It hit me and I have had to isolate myself for the past 2 weeks and muddle through.

Right now, I am focusing on Annelie, Dawson, & Landon. We have not seen Dylan. It's hard for the kids to understand. But we are getting along one day at a time. They are a huge source of my strength. Along with God(always GOD), our friends, and my family.

Dustin's final days were emotional and peaceful. He was in pain and I hope that during the last day and a 1/2 when he was no longer able to speak, that we were able to maintain the pain as much as possible for him. He declined quickly. Which was actually something he and I had prayed for if he was not to recover, not to suffer any longer. His decline was rapid because the cancer had attacked the bones in his body. His tailbone had eroded and the bones of the spine. There was disease present on his skull, his femurs, and hips. It did not metastasize to the brain. From the erosion he was accumulating too much calcium in his blood stream which caused the confusion and the loss of motor skills. And ultimately his death. We were told he had 2 weeks. He lived 4 days.

He was able to say goodbye to all those he loved, some were able to rush to his side to say goodbye, others said goodbye through phone calls. He heard each and every one of you. I knew that from his facial expressions when he was no longer able to talk and from the tears which streamed from his eyes when Dawson played Amazing Grace on his violin for him one last time. His last night on earth he slept peacefully. I slept with him for part of the night on that little hospital bed not realizing it would be the last time. His passing was peaceful. He simply took a breath and then did not take another. Some of us were in the room with him when he died. I had promised him I would hold one hand while God took the other as he entered heaven. I was blessed enough to have that chance.

Questions arise daily in my mind as I am sure many who read this and knew Dustin also have questions. Why him? What now? But, I find some comfort in Dustin's own words...

"I am not afraid to die, on everyone of us there is an invisible expiration date stamped on us. I worry about those I leave behind. Who will comfort them after I am gone? I don't want to make promises that I will watch over them because the other side is so unknown, I hope that when I tell them this it is true. I do not worry about myself. I know where I am going.... Here we go."

My journey continues. I have no idea where it is going, I am not worried about that right now. I do have faith as to where it will end. And I believe Dustin will be there waiting for me when my time is finished. Until then, I hope to live my life as he did...with my eyes always focused on GOD, a bit less organized, more spontaneous, and loving everyone just how they are.

This is the rest of the journey he joins me in spirit until we meet again.

Grace.

Mandy

One Last Breath

2010-07-02T12:25:00.002-06:00

My Dusty;

I miss you. I miss the way you smell, the warmth of your hand in mine. I miss cooking for you, and sitting next to you at the dinner table. I miss putting my feet on you in bed, and praying. Nothing will be the same. You have changed my life, and those of our children.

I can't imagine all the things you had wanted to say during those final days when you could no longer speak, but honey, I already knew. Your strength amazes me. I was reading in your journal about the pain you were really in. I never knew how bad it really was because you hid it so well.

It was an honor to care for you, to hold you in my arms on that last day as your mom and I bathed you. I wrapped my arms around you not knowing it would be the last time. I am so grateful for that moment.

When your spirit left you at 9:50 on Monday morning, part of my heart went with you. It was replaced with the spirit you left in me. I have felt at peace just knowing you are free, you are with God. From this I have drawn the strength to get up each morning and carry on just like you wanted me to.

I wish I could have done more. I know you would tell me I did enough. I miss you more than I can even express. But my life is not empty, you gave me a family that has surrounded me with the same love they always showed you. Each day, I strive to live the life you wanted me to live. Thank you for teaching me that, I am enough just as I am. Thank you for sharing your life with me. In two years, you gave me enough to last a lifetime. I carry you with me. I will see you again.

All my love,

Mandy Baby

Met with the doctor.

2010-06-09T15:49:00.003-06:00

I'm super tired right now and really want to close my eyes and take a nap, but a lot of people are wondering about today's doctors appointment, and I thought I'd put some of the details down now while they're still somewhat fresh in my head.

We had canceled our follow up appointments with two of the other doctors, one I think is a thoracic doctor (I'm not even 100% sure what he is) and the other was the radiation oncologist that was heading up my radiation treatment. Paying all these deductibles to have the same conversation three times seemed redundant to me so we decided this week we'd just meet with Dr. Gouw.

In our meeting this morning we went over the scan that was done on Monday of my chest and abdomen. First off, seems I still have a kidney stone, but it's just hanging out and maybe I'll just hold on to it and name it and call it my pet rock. Not a big deal really. Also, the good news, the targeted area of my right lung, that part of the tumor that we were trying to shrink, did shrink quite a bit. So we have that going for us, which is nice.

Now a couple of points from the not-so-good news side of things. It seems that outside of the radiation zone a couple of other issues have come up. First off, there seems to be some new growth in the lining of my right lung that wasn't there before, on the back side of my rib cage. Also, we found out why my tailbone has been sore. Originally we thought my weight loss had removed too much padding from my bum, and I'd bruised my tailbone. Well, as it turns out, there's a small spot on the tailbone part of my spine that has some of the disease growing on it as well.

So where do I go from here? A couple options were discussed. The tailbone issue may be treated with some more radiation, that won't have the same side effects the other treatments had, because my butt isn't in direct contact with my esophagus. That's something we need to talk to the radiation oncologist about. Can't do the same with the new lung growth, so there were 2 roads to take here. One was the chemo that I had been on, but a higher dose, and the other is an oral chemo medication that doesn't have nearly the adverse potential side effects that the chemo had.

Honestly, I'm so very tired, and I know Mandy's at least as tired if not more so. Up until now, it feels like instead of trying to tame the lion, we've been trying to kill it, and I've taken quite a bit of damage in this fight. We tried to take advantage of my youthful resilience with some aggressive treatments. Now the lion doesn't seem to want to die and the option now is to try to keep it isolated to where it's at now. Gone from hunter to tamer it seems.

Well that was a fun metaphor, but seriously, we are tired. We've been at this for about ten months now, aggressively, with a few little breaks here and there. So right now, given a choice between chemo, which will wipe me out and put me in bed while my family wonders if I'll be feeling well enough tomorrow to play with them, or a pill, which might give me some acne...

So after we get the prior authorization for the pill thing with the insurance company, I'll be starting that here in the next couple of days. We'll find out something soon on the radiation treatment I imagine. I'll meet with Dr. Gouw in a month and we'll probably do another scan in a few months to see where we're at.

I want to thank you all again for all the support and prayers. It's been long road, and we're not nearly at the end of it yet. I've missed a lot of time with my family and with my friends, and I don't think I can afford to loose any more. I imagine we'll probably be at this benefit dinner that's being held for us on the 19th of this month and we hope we see a lot of you there (Lindsay Eaves has tickets, email me or Mandy if you need more info). Remember, we love you all so much. Yes, even you. Especially you. ;)

~Dustin

Enjoying the sunshine

2010-06-07T11:23:00.003-06:00

Hello to all of you in this sunny Monday. We hope everyone had a wonderful weekend and enjoyed the beautiful sunshine.

We were very blessed this weekend. Our church held a garage sale to earn money to help us pay for some of the growing medical bills we continue to face. $2,000 dollars was raised!!! I still get tearful thinking about it. My heart swells with appreciation to everyone to donated items, worked in the heat, bought things, and those who organized this sale, particularly Rachel & Crystal. We donated the remaining things to a Christian Book store to help other families in need. I was happy to get rid of some of our own things :)
Many thanks everyone!!!

The remainder of our weekend was very nice. The weather was nice enough for our boys to camp out in our back yard. There were 3 tents set up out there, but when morning came, only 1 was occupied by 3 boys. They are so adorable.

We also planted some strawberries, cucumbers and tomatoes and started getting our flower beds ready.

I must apologize for jumping around a bit in this blog today. I failed to write last week and wanted to share some of the other events that have taken place in our family.

The kids are now out of school. The last few weeks being very hectic, but eventful for our two oldest kids.

Annelie ran for Student Body Officer of her school. There are only four 9th graders selected for Officers of the school and then cheerleaders, and cabinet members from each grade help them organize things for the school. Annelie created 2 skits. The first one was a video, the second was a live skit. She did AMAZING and was elected as one of the 4 officers, along with 3 boys. This is the first time that there has ever been one girl and 3 boys as officers. Last year it was all boys and previous years it has been 2 boys and 2 girls. We are incredibly PROUD!!!! She is going to have an awesome school year next year and we can't wait to share the next experiences with her.

Dawson left his 5th grade year with 9 achievement awards that were presented to him. One being the presidential academic award, he has received this 2 years in a row. He also received an award that they present to only 1 student in the entire school. The Good Manner's award. We are so happy for him, his hard work paid off. Next year he hopes to be first chair in the orchestra for his violin.

The rest of the family is doing really well.

Today is a day that has a bit of anxiety surrounded by it Dustin will have his CT scan done today. This scan will tell us if the radiation and last chemotherapy worked. It will tell us what the next steps will be. We will find out the test results on Wednesday. I hold my breath, and pray with a grateful heart for the blessings God has given us. Whatever the results, we are still here, we are still together, and God is always in charge. For me, that is enough.

Love, prayers, and happiness to all.

With hope.

Mandy

Dude, where'd they go?

2010-05-28T21:58:00.002-06:00

Yeah, so... sorry we've been AWOL, but I guess we kinda hit a point where we've just been trying to regain our footing and clear our heads from all of the uh... everything. Almost forgot this blog even existed! So that's our bad, sorry!

So lets see what I can do to get us all caught up, shall we?

When we last checked we were just getting off of an exhausting 7 day stay up at the Huntsman Cancer Hospital where we discovered that Dustin (me) has been suffering from a necrotic pneumonia in his right lung. Prior to that we were aware, mostly I was aware, that there was some kind of infection and I'd been on some oral antibiotics in hopes that it would fix it. During that time the fever had gone down but the nasty, stinky puss that I was coughing up persisted. (some of this may be a repeat, but bear with me, I'm trying to be thorough.)

When the oral antibiotics ran out the fever came back hard. They tried to get me back on those pills, but it wasn't happening, and when I got near 103 fever they put me back in the hospital where the CT scan revealed the pneumonia. Which was essentially gangrene in my lung. Lovely, right? They put me on three different liquid antibiotics after my wife's insistence that the levaquin that I was on before wasn't cutting it. They narrowed them down until we found the meropenem was working to fight this nasty bug.

So on the seventh day we went home, and I've been taking the Meropenem in a home application three times daily via my port.

That was the end of April, and in the first part of May I was nearing the end of my scheduled radiation treatments, and the damage that was being done to my esophagus was starting to make itself known. In fact, with two treatments left, I was ready to turn my back on it altogether. My body was telling me enough, and I was inclined to say that 24 out of 26 treatments is good enough, if I go any further I won't even be able to swallow water, which was becoming difficult.

So I skipped the 25th treatment, and went in the next day, a thursday (the 6th I think) to talk to the Doctor. I regret letting her talk me into finishing the last 2 treatments after I explained to her that I didn't believe that my body would be able to take it. Friday I took the last treatment, everyone there said how proud they were and I got a cheap computer print out graduation certificate. I held my head up Saturday as best I could. By the end of Sunday, I was feeling like I was on the doorsteps of hell.

The next few days were a constant fight to be able to ingest some kind of calories. I was struggling to get down the most basic of broths. Solid foods were impossible. Water was painful. It took some effort and a couple of hours to finish a cup of tea. Mandy and I were both frustrated, fearing that something had to happen or I would need a feeding tube and I'd be in the hospital again. At one point I was ready to just let her take me, because I didn't think I was going to be able to make it on my own steam. I was scared. Very scared. And I wasn't the only one.

Before that first week was out I'd lost a considerable amount of weight. I'd gone to bed hungry every night. I was miserable and out of hope as far as I could tell. We talked to the doctors and it was decided that I needed to at least get hydrated. An IV pole and some saline solution bags were delivered to the house, and after a couple days and about 3 liters of fluid pumped into my veins, I started to come around. I was also starting to add to my diet of broth some noodles and such. My weight came back up to something a little closer to healthy and I was maintaining it for the most part. I was even making it to work and putting a few hours in, on something of a part-time thing.

I hate the IV pole in my home, though, even though it's helping a lot. I never wanted anything in my house to look like it came from a hospital, and for good reason. I had the hydration going while we were sitting at the dinner table with all of the kids. Landon found it very disturbing, and was visibly upset. He saw it as a sign that I was getting worse. We were able to help him understand what it was for and that it was actually helping me and doing a good job of it, but there it was; a symbol of my fight against this disease...

Anyway, things were gradually, bit at a time, getting slowly better. The foods I could eat were starting to expand into other things, and I could get more in and it wasn't taking as long. A slow frustrating progress, but progress none the less. Until last weekend when out of the blue a piercing pain out of nowhere in my lower right quadrant left me pretty much incapacitated in the middle of what would have been a decent Saturday with the kids. The pain was so unbearable I started vomiting more than I had to offer.

I had Mandy take me to the ER, and it was the longest car ride of my life. I was half convinced that I wasn't going to make it there, or perhaps part of me wished I wouldn't as I would have welcomed an end to the pain. I thought at that point that my body was just starting to shut down and some organ was giving up inside of me. I thought the end was near. Who knew a freaking kidney stone would be that freaking painful???

Yeah, that's what it ended up being. After throwing up in the ER lobby trash can, they took me back, took my vitals, and finally drugged me up enough to not give a rats behind about how bad I was hurting. They did a couple X-rays and a CT scan and came back with the results. I spent the night up at Huntsman (cuz they have better rooms) and when we decided my life was never in danger, I was free to go. The weekend was ruined, but I'd live to see the next one.

So that was last weekend, and this weekend I've been eating more of what my family is eating at meal time, and with the better food and the hydration I've had more energy to enjoy their company. I've even had the opportunity to hang out with a couple dear friends this last week, which has done much good for my moral. I'm hoping the rain clears up and we have some sun, I'd really like to fish a little this weekend if we can. Maybe do some back-yard smores with the kids.

Thanks to the grace of God and his divine strength in getting Mandy and I through all this turmoil and challenges, and thanks to all the support we've received from all the loving family and friends we have both near and far. I understand there's a yard sale fund raiser being held for us at the Kaysville Elevation campus on June 5th, not sure if they need more donation or not but there's a link on facebook. Also on the 19th I believe there's going to be a spaghetti dinner being held by some more friends of ours, not sure location or other details on that one yet.

I want to thank all of those involved and the participants in these events for your continued efforts to help my family in our time of crisis. It's been a long battle, and it's not over yet. I have another CT scan in the first part of June to evaluate the antibiotics and the radiation treatments to see how they worked, and what to do next if anything.

As for right now, I'm not worried about anything but spending as much time with my wife and family as I can, and healing up the point were I can eat without struggling through tiny bites of bland whatevers.

Thanks again for all the support and prayers. Better get to bed. Love you all!

~Dustin

Home again!

2010-05-02T18:43:00.002-06:00

Dustin here, just noticed we didn't notify of our return home. We've been recuperating from being at the hospital, which was pretty draining. We got to go home on Thursday after a 7 day stint up there on the fourth floor of Huntsman Hospital.

Here at home I'm continuing my I.V. antibiotics in these little portable pods that I get a 6am, 2pm, and 10pm. The home health people came over and showed us how to hook me up, and its so easy I could do it myself! Which will be handy for when Mandy is at work. Y'know what? I never offered the nurse that taught us any tea or anything! Dang, I can't do anything right! 'Cept play bass. I rock in that area.

Dinner's ready, gotta go. Love you all!

BLOGGED!

~Dustin

Wednesday 4/28 ... Still Here

2010-04-28T12:28:00.002-06:00

Hello everyone. I wasn't able to blog yesterday but hopefully I can catch everyone up.

Yesterday about 5:30am Dustin started coughing up blood. Enough to cause the doctors some concern. Their theory is that it could be a combination of things. Parts of the lung are bleeding from the pneumonia attacking healthy lung tissue. It could be damage from the radiation, or it could be that his tumor has eroded a bit into the superior vein in his chest. Their plan is observation. Through the day he coughed up a mixture of blood and tissue. It does not smell like decay quite as much.

Our spirits were a bit down yesterday. He was feeling worse than when he came into the hospital. He had very little sleep, his appetite was down because his esophagus is being damaged from the radiation and he gets some heartburn. Overall, it was kind of a frustrating day.

I was fortunate to have our dear friend Lynda stay at the hospital with Dustin while I ran home. I made Dustin one of his favorite dinners to surprise him and brought it up to the hospital so he could enjoy a home cooked meal. I hope it helped.

Today, we are still here. He is still coughing up a mixture of blood and tissue. Not as alarming as yesterday. He was able to get almost an entire nights sleep. Thank the Lord. The doctors would like to keep him here for another day because there is still blood present in his sputum. Hopefully tomorrow he may be able to go home. We are playing it by ear right now. His mood is better, I believe from getting more sleep. His appetite has started to improve.

The bacterias Strep and Haemophilus grew out of the sputum culture. So he was able to be removed from the broad spectrum antibiotics and is only on 1 antibiotic that he will receive 3 times a day via iv when we return home. The home health aid is going to come once a week to check on things, but they will be teaching me how to administer the antibiotic to him for the next 6 weeks.

Today, I hope to break away long enough to attend Annelie's track meet, weather permitting, and perhaps we can catch the Jazz game.

That is where we are now. Just a lot of waiting, and talking to different people from the hospital about ways to help the kids through this, how to get respite care for myself, and the best ways to keep Dustin strong. Cancer is a new world.

Prayers to all. Much Love.

Dustin, Mandy & the kids.

Necrotic pneumonia

2010-04-26T08:42:00.002-06:00

Monday morning is a busy day at the hospital. When the regular doctors come back to work and the weekend doctors give them the reports about what happened at the hospital. Needless to say, we are still waiting for morning rounds.

However, I will update you on what details came trickling in yesterday. A team of pulmonology specialist were called in. They don't treat the cancer, rather they treat complications that can occur with lung cancer. After careful studies of the CT scan, they believe that Dustin doesn't just have Pneumonia. He has what they feel is Necrotic Pneumonia. Necrotic pneumonia causes abscesses in the interior of the lung but unlike regular pneumonia, it causes the once healthy lung tissue to die. Basically not a pretty description, but parts of his lung are developing gangrene Now, we are looking at something entirely different. I don't know exactly what the extent of the lung damage is. I am putting a list of questions together. We do know that the pneumonia has spread to all 3 lobes of the right lung. They want to continue radiation because the tumor is between the infection and the bronchial tube making it impossible for him to cough the infection out. Our hope is the radiation will shrink the tumor. Right now with so much excess junk in the lung it is difficult for them to see if any of the tumor has died from the radiation that is why they believe it is the same size.

The plan now is to stay in the hospital. He will be getting pulmonary physical therapy to help his lungs push the infection up so he can cough it out. The long term plan, and also the safest plan for Dustin, is to have iv antibiotics administered to him at our home for the next 6-8 months. Surgery is not a safe nor recommended option. He and I both agree.

That so far is all we know. As I get more information, I will update.

Much love to you all.

Dustin & Mandy

Results of the CT Scan

2010-04-25T09:51:00.002-06:00

Good moring to everyone.

Dustin's night last night was very long. He was up most of the night with violent productive coughing. We got little sleep.

The doctors came in this morning to do rounds and the results of the CT scan are back. There is no change in the tumor size from the last scan done in March. He has a infection that looks consistent with pneumonia in all three lobes of the right lung. His highest fever was 102.5 last night. This is not bad news. They are doing what they can to attack the infection. They did explain that we are in a waiting period. It takes time for this to show that it is working. So we are just waiting and praying right now.

Until then, the goal is to keep him comfortable, and they are going to prescribe a stronger cough medication for night time.

As for me, I juggle between being here with him, and being with my kids. I feel sometimes I am not doing my best to prove to them that they are just as important as Dustin, but they all have different needs right now. More time here means less time at home. But, I spent some time with them going to Landon's first soccer game of the season, playing mario party for a while (that was a new adventure for me), and I took them to dinner last night. It was difficult to drop them off because they are where some of my strength comes from. I know I am doing the best I can, so I try not to be too hard on myself.

I want to thank Scott and Lisa (my kids dad & step-mom) for being so incredibly understanding. They have always been so willing to help with the kids, the dog, the house. I have been able to have comfort knowing they are so supportive. Thank you to Dylan's mom for keeing in a few extra days, and for bringing Dylan to the hospital today to see his dad.

As always, Grace, Peace and Much Love.

Mandy & Dustin

Back in the hospital again...

2010-04-24T08:53:00.003-06:00

I write you from the family room at Huntsman Cancer Hospital. They have so much that a family member can use while their loved ones are in the hospital. It makes the stay easier for me.

Dustin is down at a CT-scan today, so I thought I would take a moment to update everyone.

Last Sunday Dustin completed the antibiotics that we were sent home with previously. On Wednesday he started developing a fever. By Thursday it was getting a bit worse but was manageable at home. Yesterday morning it was 102.5. The magic number to call the hospital is 102. So I called them and they suggested that he may need to be admitted. At that time I tried to find out what the culture on the "junk" was. Still inconclusive.... (I feel that inconclusive test results are becoming a pattern here.) But a Sputum sample does not give the best culture. We waited out a few hours until we heard back from the doctors office about a direct admit to save us from the ER copay. Around noon we headed up to the hospital. When I asked Dustin if he felt he wanted to go or if he wanted to just control the fever until Monday, he said that he wanted to go.

So here we are. The culture came back with normal mouth bacteria and yeast.... I am not buying it. I told them I wanted answers...real answers. They were going to put him back on the exact same antibiotics they have given him the previous times here. I told them I felt it didn't work, obviously because we have been here 2 times for this since March, I felt they needed to take a different approach. (bossy aren't I?) So, Dustin is getting 3 heavy duty dosages of broad spectrum antibiotics. Basically if there is something in his body, this better get it. He had a CT scan done today so they can see the presence of fluid in the lung and then talk to the Pulmonology team about a biopsy. Which would give us the better culture sample.

We had a rough night. Lots of nurses in and out. Today, he is a bit fuzzy headed. Pretty normal with the chemo and amount of medication he is getting. But overall he is doing as well as he can. Not much improvement yet, but it is still early and the antibiotics have not been in his system for 24 hours yet.

I will try to blog later once we know more. Until then. Much love .... and GO JAZZ!! :)

Our prayers always.
Dustin & Mandy

Wednesday April 21

2010-04-21T16:08:00.003-06:00

The past few days have been busy. Saturday and Sunday were fairly uneventful. Monday was chemo, and he had a small allergic reaction to the Taxol, (not uncommon) he turned beet red and was coughing a lot. It was scary for a minute, but they stopped the infusion, gave him benedryl and iv saline, and then were able to start the chemo back up. He did fine.

Yesterday Dustin was to have a biopsy done to extract some of the fluid he is coughing out. The foul smelling green, tan, pinkish sometimes red, nasty junk. (That is the only way I can explain it.) This junk, keeps him up most of the night, it prevents him from being able to lie down and sleep. It is evil, vile junk. Once we got into clinic E and were settled in the exam room, Dr. Readdy felt that Dustin didn't need to have the ultrasound guided needle to extract a biopsy. He felt that if Dustin could cough up enough of this junk then they could send that to pathology instead. Sigh of relief. So we were sent to the University of Utah Hospital to the pulmonlology department, there they were going to induce coughing with a saline mist that Dustin would breath in so he could cough violently to extract some of the mucus. He is already coughing violently so I couldn't imagine how much worse they could make this for him. Once we got into that exam room he was coughing already and the nurse asked him if he felt he could cough up enough stuff to give them a sample. They needed about 1 tsp. About 20 minutes later he had about 1 Tbsp of mucus in the sample jar. We were then sent home.

So the remainder of the week is kind of in limbo. Waiting to find out what the pathology departments says this is and hopefully the best way to treat this so he can get some sleep. He also has radiation Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.

Progressively Dustin needs more sleep. Not from the cancer, but from the treatments to kill the cancer. The treatments make him feel worse than we expected so getting through them is an uphill climb. He is exhausted both mentally and physically. He has horrible heartburn and pain. They keep throwing medication at us, I swear we could open a small pharmacy by now, but they are supposed to help with the side effects, notice I say supposed to. Anxiety, insomnia, coughing, pain, hiccups from the chemo. We are doing our best to keep his strength up, by increasing his calories with a supercharged smoothie every morning, and carnation instant breakfasts throughout the day, along with a healthier diet. We are also taking mini excursions outside to get him a bit of exercise.

The last radiation treatment will be May 7th. The last chemo treatment will be May 3rd. And we will go see Dr. Gouw for answers on how well this round worked on May 10th. Right now, the only things we are worried about are his side effects from the treatments, keeping his energy levels up, and getting him to sleep.

He may not be answering any phone calls, emails or texts. Last night he said he just didn't feel up to responding much or having visitors until this round of stuff is over on May 7th. I don't blame him he is going through so much. I still feel it is best to keep him in charge of his own care, his decisions on when to work, what he chooses to eat, and his desires to rest or have visitors. I support his decisions and will let you know if he changes his wishes.

We love you all. If there is any news on the pathology of this junk or any changes I will let you know. Until then. Our hope is up, our prayers are many, and we are thankful for so much.

Love and blessings to all.

Mandy

A bit of thanks

2010-04-19T21:58:00.002-06:00

I haven't known what to say, so I haven't written.

But I wanted to thank everyone who came to our house on Saturday.

Our gutters are clean, our shed is organized, windows washed, window wells cleaned out, walls washed, our yard is beautiful. I even enjoyed a few moments sitting under the lights that were hung in our patio. I cried, because you have all saved me from so much stress, so much extra work.

I was able to paint Annelie's room for her, something I have put off for over a month, because I had the time to do it. (It was a surprise for her since she made it into mixed chorus) :)

I was able to sit and read a book for a few minutes too.

I cannot say thank you enough. You are all so wonderful.

We are 1/2 way through this round and still fighting with everything we have. Thank you for your constant support and prayers.

Love to all.

Mandy

Tuesday, April 13

2010-04-13T21:32:00.004-06:00

Hello All;

Haven't blogged in a few. We are incredibly tired and are still trying to catch up on missed sleep from last week. Dustin's mom is here visiting until the end of the week, and we have the kids. Which keeps us busy. So we are trying to get some real quality time in for the next few days. Dawson is doing awesome with his private violin lessons, Annelie tried out for mixed chorus for her 9th grade and final year of Jr. High, Landon has hit the ground running to find the best soccer shoe for the spring season ahead, and Dylan is working to master his letters and words as he prepares for the start of Kindergarten.

While in our own personal chaos, there are many things we are thankful and happy for.

My older brother Chris and my sister-in law Angie welcomed their first baby, Liam Christopher. He is too adorable!!! I wish I could blink my eyes and be in New York right now.

My good friend Sarah from work and her husband Todd welcomed their second son Issac on Sunday. Yeah I love babies!!!!!

My younger brother Adam took his medical boards today. I am sure he is both relieved and anxious. I am so proud of him.

We are still here, the fight continues.

Dustin explained this fight in these words....

"We are at the bottom of the ninth, down by two, and we have two outs."

It is time to send in our best hitter. (God) and pray for a miracle.

Many prayers to you and yours.

Mandy

Tuesday, April 2

2010-04-13T21:32:00.001-06:00

Friday, April 9, 2010

2010-04-09T10:51:00.003-06:00

Short blog today.

Dustin has been up for all but roughly 12 hours in the last 48 hours. The coughing persists. The stuff he is coughing up keeps coming. I keep praying it is the tumor he is coughing out, since one doctor told us that cancer liquefies when there is not a blood source supplying the fast growing tumor. Parts of the tumor dies and create a puss like area. This could explain the decay smell.

Only 20 more radiation treatments. So roughly 4 more weeks. I know he can do this.

Spoke with Grace, the physician's assistant today. We are to keep him propped up in bed to keep his airway open. Use the humidifier. Another cough medication was added to take between doses of the first cough medication. To bridge the gap of the times between doses. They suggest a spot x-ray at radiation today, and a pulse ox. Just to see if the pneumonia is resolving.

I have had about 2 pots of coffee in the last 24 hours. Set my alarm for every 4 hours to check his temperature and give him his medication. We are both so tired.

Several people have offered help. Here is where I do need some.

Our church has set up a site for people to bring us food. The website is Foodtidings.com. You can go there and I believe our schedule is Dustin & Mandy Hutt. On there you will see what days are available. We do have an outdoor freezer, you are more than welcome to place food in here at anytime if you would like.

Dustin is no longer feeling well enough for visitors to stay very long. Until he beats this current issue visitors may come, only if they are well. His energy level is not where it needs to be. But the visits do lift his spirits.

There is a group of people who will be coming to clean our yard on the 17th of April. If you would like to join them please contact Ryan@elevation.cc or Brian@elevation.cc. Some of the things we need done are, raking, cleaning out gutters, sweeping, cleaning out flower beds, organizing our shed and vacuuming out the window wells. Inside, I am trying to get a jump on spring cleaning. However I could use some help with washing the walls, the blinds, and washing windows. We are trying to get our house as germ free as possible. As well as keep the allergen level down inside our house.

I have a broken box spring on my back patio that I need to get rid of. I can't lift it. If someone can take this and dispose of it I would really appreciate it.

We love you all. Our prayers are with you.

Mandy

April 7, 2010

2010-04-07T21:53:00.003-06:00

I don't have a creative title anymore.

I didn't blog yesterday. I find myself trying to remember if the things I want to blog about are yesterdays news or todays. It's a blur. One long continuous day.

Early Tuesday morning Dustin woke up from horrible night sweats. The cancer causes this. At first I thought it was the medication but the nurse told me it is the cancer. Whatever it is my husband was laying in what seemed like a gallon of sweat. The sheets were soaked, I could wring out his t-shirt, the mattress pad, the towel under that to protect the mattress, blankets, everything. He was miserable. Plus it was 4 in the morning. He had to go lie on the couch until I could get the sheets washed.

Later that day we bought a waterproof mattress cover, and another mattress pad. Now I am prepared with 2 sets. So that night sweats won't end up putting him on the couch anymore.

Tuesday day: Dustin was starting to cough up a greenish brown mucus. It smelled awful. But there was no fever so there was no major cause for alarm. He had radiation in the afternoon. We even went for a short walk. He had 2 helpings at dinner. That was good. He went to bed around 8. Slept for most of the night. He woke up around 5:30 this morning coughing.

Wednesday day: After the coughing fit, we tried to go back to sleep but both of us struggled to fall back to sleep. Part because of his coughing, another because it was so close to getting up for the day.

Today he continued to cough up lots of that disgusting stuff. I spoke with the doctor and they feel he is working the infection out of his lungs. As long as there is no fever they are not concerned. This could be good, just to get the infection out. They did add another antibiotic to his daily pills. *Sigh of Relief* I was worried.

He is exhausted. He didn't want to go to radiation today, but with strength and some persistence from me, we got him there. Once he was home, he went straight to bed. I woke him up to have dinner and made him stay up for a few hours since sleeping so much is not the best thing for Cancer patients. I read the bible to him. We talked. Had a cup of tea. It is important for him to continue to be a bit active to maintain his energy. By 9:30 he was in bed, all his medications taken, humidifier on, tucked in. We prayed together. Shortly after, sound asleep. He feels his body is giving up. I pray his spirit is not.

I started him on Aloe Vera juice, selenium, Vitamin E & C today. Good results in studies with these. We are getting back to the most basic forms of food. The way God intended us to eat. I have hope.

We are both very exhausted right now. I am actually headed for bed once these clothes get in the dryer. But, I will be his strength right now. Because he has none left, I can carry him because God is my strength. I will help him keep his hope, because he is feeling hopeless, and there is something to hang onto. I will be everything I can, to keep him alive right now. That is all I can do for him. The rest is up to God.

Thank you for your prayers.

Mandy