God Is On The Internet

And You Thought God Was Good At Creating Stuff...

2005-08-21T01:35:00.000+00:00

Well, I am, but so is this guy.

God's Guide To Living Pt1

2005-08-12T05:51:00.000+00:00

Q. How shalt we act oh Lord, to garner your good graces?

A. Stop talking like a fuckwit, for starters, asswipe.

It's a question I've been asked throughout the ages and one I've been unable to answer, until now, because I've lacked a medium through which to discuss it with you. The advent of "The Interweb" has solved this problem and I now find myself ready to dispense all I know about "Life" and "How To Live It (Life)".

This will be part 1 in a 45213 part series and is entitled, simply:

"Stop talking like a fuckwit, for starters, asswipe"

Ah, that's pretty much it, just don't talk like a fuckwit & you'll be well on your way to living the kind of life I intended for you.

Fo shizzle.

Love Always,
God.

ANSWERING YOUR PRAYERS: Born Dancing

2005-08-02T01:10:00.000+00:00

Born Dancing recently left this little prayer:

Hi God,
Hope I'm not out of line and you're not too busy, but I have a quick question. I've been interested in getting involved in some kind of cult for some time, but haven't found the right fit. None of the major religions really put much motion in my ocean, if you know what I'm saying, and I'm thinking a cult or sect-type dealy might work out. Do you have any recommendations or warnings, or perhaps a list of preferred franchises? I'd ideally be looking for something low on the robe content, with some kind of reincarnation and perhaps ritualised and impersonal sexual activities a plus.

Thanks in advance,
Born

Hi Born,
Thanks for your prayer, I'm never too busy to answer an inquisitive mind like yours!

I try at all times to be impartial in my dealings with the myriad of religions currently out there, but truth be told, God does have some favourites.

Mormonism: aside from spawning one of God's favourite bloggers, Mormons have much to offer those looking at taking up a new means of worship. The feature that God believes will most benefit you, Born, is the Mormons' affinity for polygamy. I suggest you wander by Polygamy.com & see if anything there "tickles your fancy".

Polygamy: Sychronised outfits is an oft-overlooked benefit.

CADS: Christians and Domination/Submission. Who says Christians can't practice BDSM within the sanctity of their marriage? Not God! In fact he recommends it.

Self Deification: As a last resort, if you can't find a religion that suits your everchanging needs, just deify yourself! The upside is that you get to control every aspect of your very own religion. The downside is the workload. You wouldn't believe how much time it takes to answer all the inane questions that come across my desk (lol! Just ribbing you BD!).

I hope this answers your questions sufficiently, if you have any more don't hesitate to let me know.

I think BD has proven that no question is too silly for God to answer (haha! Again!)

Love Always,
God.

p.s. love your blog Born Dancing!

GOD EXPLAINS: The Big Bang.

2005-07-23T02:50:00.000+00:00

Check it. I'll try and put this in laymans terms for you.

I had been working on this little project I like to call "existence" for a while and had not been making much headway. Then one day out of nowhere (literally) my little project exploded and "The Universe And All Life As You Know It" was born. I was all like "What The Fuck!" for a little while, but then I was just like "OK then, let's ride."

I sat back and watched it unfold, tweaking here and there but mostly just letting "The Universe And All Life As You Know It" do it's own thing. I was pleasantly surprised with how it all turned out, especially as it had come on so quickly and a little unexpectedly.

I am sorry if this isn't as good an explanation as you had hoped for, but the themes and topics I am covering are, generally speaking, beyond your comprehension. I apologise.

Artist representation of The Big Bang.

Anyhoo, there's creation for you. That whole six days and rested on the seventh urban legend is actually not quite true. I was working on other projects at the time and feel it is unfair to claim I worked on "The Universe And All Life As You Know It" for those entire six days. I would hazard a guess at maybe four and a half days of actual hands-on time for this project. Also, on the seventh day I really didn't rest, I was just working on projects other than "The Universe And All Life As You Know It".

So, there you go.

SMITEDOWN: Tom Cruise.

2005-07-12T00:32:00.000+00:00

Most of the time I think humanity is the "bee's knees". Call it narcissism if you like, as I did create you in my own image, but I tend to see the best in people and am seldom dissuaded from this view even when you are doing you best to maim & kill each other. You little rascals.

However, sometimes one of you will make God angry and I feel a need to put you back in your place, take you down a few pegs, let you know who's boss, apply the...

SMITEDOWN

So this week's candidate for a good smiting is Tom Cruise: actor, scientologist, father, assclown (not in that order).

Tommy. ~~Can I call you Tommy?~~ Lately you've been a little, how can I put this gently...
CRAZY LIKE A MOTHERFUCKING FOX THAT HAS LOST HIS A.D.D. & BI-POLAR MEDICATION DOWN A BURROW SOMEWHERE AND YOU KNOW HOW DISORIENTING LOOKING AROUND BURROWS CAN BE.

Don't lie to me Tommy, I know you've stopped taking your medication lately (don't forget - I see everything, I can even lick my own elbow, not that that is really relevant here) and I know you're on a quest to "tell it like you see it" but please, Tommy, please, stop the madness.

Your ridiculous public displays of "really, no really I'm heterosexual" affection aren't impressing anyone, fool. We can comprehend that perhaps you're a little smitten with Katie Holmes, who wouldn't be; that lopsided smile is bound to make any man a little weak at the knees, but jumping on couches, trying to dry hump her on red carpets and letting the press in on almost every little detail of your love life is getting a bit much. I say almost because I know you & Katie are using the "oh no I'm waiting until marriage" line when what's really going on is "but I can't use Viagra because L-Ron says drugs are bad".

I am however, a well-documented magnaminous deity and as such am going to resist smiting you down this week, if only because it makes a slightly pleasant change to see a celebrity who has no "assclown-filter" between themselves and the general public. Lord knows there are madder celebrities than you out there and I've got to give you credit for allowing the world see what a fruit loop you really are. Kudos Tommy.

But let this potential smitedown serve as a warning to you: Get back on the drugs, ok Tommy? Get back on the drugs.

Love Always,
God.

p.s. I really liked Minority Report!

The End Is Nigh!

2005-07-09T12:01:00.000+00:00

REPENT YOUR SINS. REPENT I TELL YE.

Heh. Just kidding. Sin away, ye.

Wassup! God here. Thought I'd just open the lines of communication a little, let you know what's going on, "what's the haps", what's going through the ol' noggin and try to straighten out a few misconceptions. What better place to do it than the...

B L O G O S P H E R E ! !

...haha you crazy kids with your crazy amalgamation of words. Metrosexual. Ginormous. Tomkat! Genius.

Usually I'm not at all one for micromanagement so don't be all up in my grill pestering me with requests for "wishes" and the like. Nick was mostly spot on in his belief I'm not an interventionist. I'll answer a few questions, sure, but I won't be dabbling with the fragile balance of my universe just so you can be hooked up with a magical superpower that makes you sexually irresistible or be able to see through walls (which is a sweet deal by the way) or have a packet of Tim Tams that never run out.

I'm just here to open a dialogue between creator : creations. Please feel free to leave a prayer (hosted by HaloScan, lol!) or drop me a line at godisontheinternet at gmail dot com. I want to keep this informal, try to keep the hysteria to a minimum if possible, as Lord knows (joke!) that my last few appearances have turned into shameful fawning exhibitions. I don't need that, I don't want that, I'm just a normal, everyday omnipresence like any other.

Just keep it real, k?

Love Always,
God.

p.s. Jimi Hendrix says hi.