Godly Whispers ~ Surviving Infidelity

When There is a Child From an Affair

rozalski — Thu, 03 May 2012 17:00:02 +0000

When There is a Child From an Affair

This is probably the most difficult situation that can happen when a couple is trying to heal from an affair and believe it or not it is way more common than you may think. Truth be told, it is not impossible to heal from an affair when there is a child involved but I will say that it makes it SO much harder. There have been many marriages that have healed completely even though there was a child that resulted from the affair. The best thing to do in a situation like this is to rise above your own personal pain and put all your focus on what is best for the innocent child that is involved.

I can’t say that I was this willing to do just that. When I found out about my husband’s affair, the other woman was upset that I didn’t immediately kick my husband out of the house. She thought that I wouldn’t want anything more to do with my husband and that he would go to her but when that didn’t happen she faked being pregnant. I was horrified that this woman was pregnant with my husband’s child. I told my husband that if he wanted to stay married that he would sign away all rights to the child and that we would move across the country and he would never have anything to do with her or the child. I finally suspected that she was lying and finally got the truth out of her mother. Once we knew she had been lying the whole time ALL contacted ended from that day forward. I don’t know if I would have made him keep to my threat or not but I probably would have. I just couldn’t imagine seeing the result of his affair all the time and knowing that he had to be in contact with the other woman for the next 18 or more years! As you can tell, all I could think about was myself. I really don’t know if my marriage would have survived if she hadn’t been lying. My selfishness might have cost me quite a lot.

When the other woman is pregnant because of the affair, usually you have to make an exception to the no contact rule. The right thing to do is to be sure the father is financially responsible for raising the child and also has the right to be in the child’s life if that is what is decided upon. There really isn’t a one size fits all solution to this situation. You should always seek legal advice to what your rights and obligations are to the child. You and your husband need to have many long talks about the future and what you both want it to look like. For me, I wanted out if he wanted anything to do with the child. Everyone is different and I can’t blame anyone for feeling the way I did when I thought I was in this situation.

Sometimes the other woman will terminate the pregnancy or give her child up when she sees that it didn’t win her the husband. I have known couples that have legally adopted the child into their family and to me this is the best scenario as this eliminates the need for any ongoing contact with the other woman. My husband and I did discuss this option but he felt that she would never go for that.

What makes healing so much more difficult is because the child turns into a major trigger of the affair. What couples need to do is work together as a team on the best way to solve this situation which will then draw them closer because they are a united front. They need to work on how this child can enhance their marriage, not take away from it. With much prayer and meditation, I am sure that a betrayed spouse’s heart can be changed toward the child and toward her husband and marriage. It’s not easy, but it’s worth all the hard work in the long run for everyone involved.

I am not saying that you should heal your marriage in spite of a child that resulted. Only you can make that kind of decision. Only you can decide what is best for you. Please don’t feel horrible about yourself if you just can’t live with the fact that there was a child from the affair. Many people can’t and choose to divorce, which I have a feeling I would have done myself. You must do what is best for you, but please pray about it long and hard and maybe even wait a full year before deciding on anything permanent. You have every right to walk away if you don’t think you can handle dealing with the child and all the ongoing contact that will happen with the other woman. No one can blame you for feeling this way. Just know, that if a part of you really would like things to turn out, it is possible that you can heal and that your marriage will become stronger and that the child can even become a blessing in your life.

Even if the other woman keeps the child, making ongoing contact a must, you and your spouse can still heal the marriage. What needs to happen is to have very firm boundaries set in place about how the contact will take place. Maybe the wife can be present during all contact with the other woman and it may even help to have a third party have all the contact about money or visitations like a grandparent or someone neutral. Together you both need to come up with agreeable terms and guidelines for all contact and the husband needs to remember to always respect your pain and be accountable.

Why do Affair Partners Seem Perfect?

rozalski — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 15:59:12 +0000

Why do Affair Partners Seem Perfect?

You know, this is a really good question! Why do affair partners seem so perfect? I know back when I first found out about my husbands affair I felt the same exact way. She seemed to be everything I wasn’t. I felt that she was thinner and more attractive than I was. I felt that she was funnier, more outspoken and more desirable to be around than me. I saw her as something my husband really wanted and I saw myself as someone my husband wanted to throw away. When you feel like this then you are bound to have some severe self-esteem issues!

It took me a long time to see things as they really were. Actually, she wasn’t “better” than me, maybe she really was thinner than me but that doesn’t make her better than me. I think we see the Other Person as “perfect” because we feel tossed aside for them. If your spouse sees the Other Person as “perfect” than they could come across as “perfect” to a betrayed spouse. Trust me NO ONE is perfect!

If your spouse still sees the Other Person as something wonderful, then of course the betrayed spouse is going to have issues with that. Who wouldn’t! If this is your spouse then maybe they are still caught up in the fantasy of the affair. When a spouse is still caught up in the “affair fog” then their thinking is all skewed.

So, if you see the Other Person as “perfect” then what can you do about it? Well, first you need to take the focus OFF the Other Person and put it on YOU! You need to do a lot of healing and the key to that is doing a lot of inner work. You need to get your self-esteem back and you need to find your inner power again. Sometimes we give our inner power away so you need to take it back!

So many people are struggling in this area and I so badly want to help those who feel “less than”. If you are one of those people who need to find their inner power again then think about signing up for my 10 week ecourse all about becoming a Better You! You can find more information HERE.

No Contact After An Affair

rozalski — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 15:34:18 +0000

No Contact After An Affair

I have been getting a lot of emails about having a wayward spouse still be in contact with the other person. This can be devastating to a betrayed spouse. Can you save a marriage that still has ongoing contact with the other person? This situation is usually where they work together so unless they quit their jobs, contact with the other person is unavoidable.

There really isn’t any easy answer to this question. Most of the time, the betrayed spouse has to do some deep thinking and soul searching for their right answer. You have to really evaluate your situation and make a decision that is best for you. No one but you can really tell you what to do.

We all know the three things needed to heal a marriage after infidelity.

1. No contact with the other person
2. Getting honest answers to your questions
3. Talking through the entire thing

It is really up to the betrayed spouse in how flexible they are willing to be. These three things may not happen all at once and it’s up to the betrayed spouse in how long they are willing to wait for each to happen.

You must also understand that for the betrayed spouse to get what they want they may just have to do things they really don’t want to do. This could be any number of things even separating until you have your desired outcome.

Since the betrayed spouse is the one that has to deal with any consequences, then it is entirely up to them in what decisions they make in their desire for their wayward spouse to have no contact with the other person.

When there has been infidelity in the marriage, then for that marriage to heal it needs to be covered. Just like we cover serious wounds so they can heal, so must we cover our marriages. Ongoing contact with the other person is like reopening the wound for both spouses’. For the betrayed spouse will have a hard time trusting the wayward spouse and the wayward spouse is often tempted to reach out to the to the other person for comfort because there is so much pain in the marriage.

Ongoing contact with the other person can cause confusion in the wayward spouse about their love for their spouse and can cause the healing of the marriage to slow down or even go backwards.

If you are struggling with your spouse having ongoing contact with the other person you should seek out help. This is not something that you should be going through alone. It’s hard to think rationally when your emotions are all over the map. If you would like someone to talk to, please feel free to contact me.

How Could They Do This To Me?

rozalski — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 18:19:49 +0000

How Could They Do This To Me?

The problem with thinking that they did this “to you” is that it implies intent which usually is not there. Usually, someone doesn’t wake up and think to themselves, “How can I really hurt my spouse today? I know, I’ll have an affair.” This rarely ever happens, instead they most likely are engaging in behaviors that ignite affairs though they seem so innocent at first. Usually they cross a boundary that they couldn’t see until it was too late. They usually feel they are “helping” the other person and that they are “just friends” and that they know how to handle it. Before they know it, they are caught up in an affair and sometimes are usually shocked to find themselves there.

My husband told me that he couldn’t believe he was caught up in an affair. He swore he would never do that and that he wasn’t that type of person and there he was in an affair wondering how the heck he got there. Many of today’s affairs start on Facebook or at work with one person expressing care toward another person. What many just don’t understand is that an affair begins way before the affair starts. It’s so important to learn that saying “no” has to happen at the beginning of a relationship. Most people really believe that they can maintain a “just friends” cross-gender relationships. But we all have to learn that friendships of with the opposite sex that exclude our spouse’s are very dangerous and really should never happen.

The unfaithful spouse doesn’t just lie to their spouse’s, but they also lie to themselves. They actually believe that no one is going to get hurt, that no one is going to find out and that what they are doing is not wrong, that they can be friends with the other person and that nothing will happen to them. They behave a lot like those addicted to drugs and alcohol. They must detox before they can even begin to make much sense. The thrill of having forbidden sex is very much like a drug. The flattery and the pleasurable physical sensations feel good to them.

We all know that it is very hard to resist temptation, and that is what an affair is. We begin to lie to ourselves in order to give ourselves the permission needed to move forward. Have you ever tried to diet, making the commitment to yourself that you wouldn’t go off your diet and fully meaning to keep that promise? Then later you find yourself saying that just one little bite isn’t going to hurt anything you will just exercise more the next day. Now I know that an affair is in no way a comparison of having an affair but the thinking is about the same.

The big hurdle in trying to understand why our spouse’s had the affair is that we are trying to explain irrational behavior with rational thinking. You just can’t do that because those caught up in the affair are just, in my opinion, mentally screwed up! Just because your spouse had an affair doesn’t mean that they didn’t love you, it just means they lost all common sense and didn’t know how to get it back. They are caught up in the “affair fog” and it takes being in complete No Contact with the other person at least six weeks for the fog to finally lift and for them to start thinking more clearly.

If you would like help in your current situation, please contact me. I have been there and I would be glad to help!

What is “affair fog”anyway?

rozalski — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 11:00:18 +0000

What is “affair fog” anyway?

This term is used by both experts and affair victims. It describes the euphoria that one feels when they are involved in an affair. Remember how it felt when you first fell in love? During this time, the one having an affair will rationalize their actions so that they can minimize their guilt. They will even take it so far as to “invent” reasons why they are having an affair to begin with. Healing the marriage is impossible while they are in this fog.

The one having an affair will convince themselves that they’re in a bad marriage and/or that their spouse never really loved or understood them, when in reality this is far from the truth. Soon, the one having an affair will begin to actually believe the lies they are telling themselves so they then begin to act accordingly by treating their spouse very badly yet treating their affair partner in an affectionate and loving way. This is exactly how to addiction of affairs starts to take off.

The “Affair Fog” is really nothing more than a fantasy which is created by both of the affair partners. They see each other without flaws or weaknesses. The ones caught up in the affair are under the same influence as an addictive drug that is similar to a teenager in love. The bad news is that is it extremely hard to remove someone from this fog.

Many times when betrayed spouse’s find their spouse’s caught up in this “fog” they are unable to understand what their spouses are going through. They believe that their spouse has logically thought everything through and that they have found their perfect partner in their affair partner. I remember wondering why, all of a sudden, my husband was treating me SO badly. He was mean and nasty and acting like he couldn’t stand to even be around me and I was clueless as to why he was treating me this way.

I have since learned a lot about the “affair fog” and infatuation that now I can look at affairs more realistically. When I see others caught up in affairs that they are not thinking clearly and they are in no way acting in ways that one would consider rational. I can now see how an affair can turn any man who always puts his family first, into a person that only thinks of himself with no regard of the pain and devastation that he is causing.

Talking with those caught up in affairs, I see how little concern they have for the distress they are causing their families. They continually try to justify their actions. They surround themselves with other people who support their decision and who feel their affair partner is perfect for them. Those in the affair usually go around telling other people all of their affair partners redeeming qualities.

Until the “affair fog” and addiction are gone, healing from infidelity cannot begin. This fog usually won’t lift until 6 weeks have passed since they have had any sort of contact with the other person. That includes; seeing them, getting an email or text from them, speaking with them on the phone, etc. That is why it is so important to change jobs if they affair happened in the work place.

Separation Doesn’t Have to Mean Hopelessness

rozalski — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 10:55:00 +0000

Separation Doesn’t Have to Mean Hopelessness

Who stood up for me against the wicked? Who took my side against evil workers? If God hadn’t been there for me, I never would have made it. The minute I said, “I’m slipping, I’m falling,” your love, God, took hold and held me fast. When I was upset and beside myself, you calmed me down and cheered me up.
Psalm 94:16-19 (MSG)

If you and your spouse are separated right now this in no way means that it’s over! It’s never over till it’s over! A marriage is never over until divorce papers are signed. Many places require 6 months to 1 year of separation before this can even happen. This is the time for you to fight for your marriage, not to fight against your spouse, but against the evil that is trying to destroy your life and your marriage.

I sought the LORD, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears.
Psalm 34:4 (ESV)

If you are separated right now, then I am sure you’re experiencing a wide range of emotions, from love to hate, relief to pain, and from anger to concern. Being separated, especially if it’s not of your choosing, can be emotionally draining and can cause a sense of hopelessness. Always remember that there is no such thing as an “easy button” solution for your situation.

Never assume that your separation will lead to divorce. Your marriage can just as easily lead to a happier, stronger and more fulfilling one than you ever thought possible. It is very possible that your separation will lead to restoration, and the pain you are in now can is like labor pains which give birth to a new life. Where your separation will lead you is going to depend of what you both do, say, think and believe over the coming days, weeks and even months. These words, these thoughts, and these actions will determine the quality of your future life.

Know that God is probably more concerned than you are about the outcome of your separation. During your separation, you need to be leaning on Him more than ever. All you have to do is ask for His help and He will give it to you. Right now, more than ever, you need to be with others that believe in God and receive their encouragement. You need to keep your focus on God instead of your situation, or else you will sink just as surely as Peter did when he walked on the water toward Jesus.

If you are separated right now and need support during this hard time, you may want to consider coming to our Thursday night separation support calls. On these calls you will be with others that are going through the same thing you are. They can offer advice and comfort because they have been right where you are. For more information please see our Membership Page.

Soul Mates and Emotional Affairs

rozalski — Thu, 08 Sep 2011 11:00:20 +0000

“People with integrity walk safely, but those who follow crooked paths will slip and fall.”
(Proverbs 10:9, NLT)

Last year I had a Christian woman tell me she found her “soul mate.” I was more than intrigued since I knew she’d been married over 20 years. There were warning bells going off and I felt my stomach drop as she told me her story. I knew she was falling into an emotional affair and she was heading down a very slippery slope that never has a happy ending.

Her church hired a new choir director and, as all affairs do, it started out very innocently. He would compliment her on her voice, giving her praise and attention every practice. His words stirred up feelings inside her of loneliness and longing for affection. Feelings she didn’t even realize she had. If she’d only realized she was feeling lonely and ignored by her husband she could have talked with him about her feelings. But instead of turning to her husband, she turned to the new choir director.

She started staying behind after everyone left so she could talk with him. Over these “chats” he told her his marriage was not doing well and she in turn did the same. Before either of them realized it, feelings of attraction started stirring in their hearts. She told me how much she enjoyed their chats, that he understood her and that they had a “real” connection. She then told me she just knew he was meant to be her true “soul mate.”

This “soul mate” idea can do a lot of damage. When you pledge yourself before God to someone in marriage, you become soul mates.

“A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”
(Mark 10:7-9, NLT)

Christians seem more likely to get mixed up in emotional affairs. They feel it isn’t sin if there’s no touching involved. An affair is not defined by whether you have sex with the other person, but rather the secrecy involved and the fact that a spouse is being betrayed. Think about it, would you be hurt if your spouse had a “secret friend” that he or she shared their deepest secrets with that you knew nothing about?

Years ago, I remember a woman that started an emotional affair with another man she felt she had more in common with than her own husband. I guess the children they shared didn’t count. She became so entangled with this man that she left her husband for him. They didn’t last a year. Today she’s alone and the children are shuffled between both of them. Many times we find ourselves suffering from the “greener grass syndrome.”

We need to learn to be very honest with ourselves and God. Even thinking about and wanting to have an affair is sin.

“‘Don’t go to bed with another’s spouse.’ But don’t think you’ve preserved your virtue simply by staying out of bed. Your heart can be corrupted by lust even quicker than your body. Those leering looks you think nobody notices—they also corrupt.”
Matthew 5:28 (The Message)

Know this, an emotional affair is only the beginning of a physical affair.

This issue isn’t only for those who are married. I’ve known singles, both men and women, that struggled with falling for someone who’s married. We must all learn to guard our hearts against developing inappropriate friendships with the opposite sex. If you’re in a “friendship” with someone of the opposite sex that isn’t appropriate, I strongly urge you to end it now. You must stop feeding this addiction and run away from this sin. Do everything possible to make this happen including changing your email address, phone numbers and daily routines.

Always guard your heart and avoid inappropriate friendships with those of the opposite sex. Never speak of your marital problems or personal issues with someone of the opposite sex, save that for your same sex friends or a counselor. Have someone keep you accountable and ask how you are doing every now and then with your friendships. If you are married, take the time and effort to invest in your marriage and your true soul mate.

Today’s Prayer

Keep me strong so that I can do what I know is right. Help me keep my soul, body, heart and mind pure. Please convict me when I am straying off Your path. Teach me how I can have a stronger and happier marriage. In Jesus Name, Amen.

Related Resources

If you would like more devotionals just for the betrayed spouse, please visit Godly Whispers to purchase the book “Godly Whispers – A 90-Day Devotional To Help You Recover From Your Spouse’s Affair”

You will develop a deeper trust in God, who can control what you cannot. You will be able to get rid of all those “what if” worries as you get a continuing touch of God’s love and goodness. You will experience a strengthening of your self-worth in the face of all the betrayal.

Steps You Can Take:

Read what Jesus told a woman that was caught up in adultery in John 8:1-11

Use the “Love Dare” book to help you reinvest in your marriage.

Reflections:

Are you continually guarding your heart?

What is your current intimacy level in your marriage today?

What is your current intimacy level in your relationship with God?

Extra Bible Verses:

“Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me.” Psalm 51:10 (New Living Translation)

“Let us all come forward and draw near with true (honest and sincere) hearts in unqualified assurance and absolute conviction engendered by faith (by that leaning of the entire human personality on God in absolute trust and confidence in His power, wisdom, and goodness), having our hearts sprinkled and purified from a guilty (evil) conscience and our bodies cleansed with pure water.” Hebrews 10:22 (Amplified Bible)

When Forgiveness Seems Impossible

rozalski — Mon, 08 Aug 2011 10:45:31 +0000

When Forgiveness Seems Impossible

Infidelity in Marriage – Dealing with the other woman and learning to forgive

“And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him and let it drop (leave it, let it go), in order that your Father Who is in heaven may also forgive you your [own] failings and shortcomings and let them drop.”
Mark 11:25 (Amplified Bible)

I found this online and just had to share this story with everyone. I hear many just like this one and it shows that true forgiveness really is possible through God.

________________________________________________

I stared at the e-mail in disbelief. Tears surfaced as I read, “I am so very sorry for all the hurts that we have caused you… To this day I have no idea how we could have made such a mess of things. I ask your forgiveness, even though I would never expect to get it…”

I didn’t think I would ever be able to forgive Debbie for the part she played in destroying my marriage. The memories of those hell-on-earth months remained open wounds for many years. For some reason, it was far more difficult for me to forgive Debbie than my ex-husband, Peter.

How could I forget that ominous phone call on my 41st birthday?

“I don’t know how to tell you this, Barb, but something is going on between Peter and Debbie. I’m not sure it’s sexual, but I have good reason to believe they’re having an emotional affair.”

My heart raced. Nancy, a friend and former member of my church, wouldn’t be calling me long distance with this sort of news unless she had evidence.

I already knew my 19-year-old marriage was in trouble. The past year had been like a bad dream. Although my pastor-husband proclaimed from his pulpit that I was his best friend, we weren’t communicating at home. His aloofness and anger baffled me.

I reasoned that at age 42, he could be having a midlife crisis or pastoral burnout. He only seemed happy when we were with our friends Debbie and Troy. Peter insisted they join us in almost everything. We skied, fished, roasted hot dogs, and ate every Sunday lunch together.

If Troy had to work, Debbie was still invited to tag along. Although she was my friend, her constant presence became a sore spot between Peter and me. He accused me of jealousy and overreacting.

One morning I received an inner warning that Peter was on his way home with bad news. We lived a distance from the church, and he seldom came home for lunch.

A few moments later Peter solemnly walked through the front door. “I need to talk with you, Barb,” he almost whispered. I could feel my chest tighten, so I took a deep breath. What could be so horrible that he couldn’t tell me on the phone?

“You know we’ve had problems in our marriage for a long time,” he began.”Well, I think we should get a divorce.” I couldn’t digest his words. Our marriage wasn’t perfect, but divorce? What about the kids? What about his ministry? What about us?

“Is there another woman?” I looked straight into the dark eyes that had made me fall in love with him. I couldn’t bring myself to say, “Is it Debbie?”

“No, there isn’t,” he assured me.

I never felt so alone in all my life. Whom does a pastor’s wife confide in when her husband asks her for a divorce?

I decided to tell only my sister. We cried together over the phone, and made plans for me to stay with her for awhile. Nancy’s call confirmed my deepest fears. I’d been suspicious of Peter and Debbie’s “friendship” for some time. To make matters worse, the church women’s executive team was treating me to lunch – and the “other woman” would be celebrating my birthday with me!

The Royal Regency could have been a hot dog stand for all I cared that afternoon. I can’t even recall eating or opening my gifts. But I do vividly remember the look of dismay on Debbie’s face when I confronted her after the luncheon.

She flatly denied the accusations. I apologized and retreated back into my confused state of mind.

Peter and I planned to meet at a ministers’ conference at the end of our separation, but that never happened. He phoned to inform me that Debbie had asked Troy for a divorce. He also told me he had resigned from the church. I knew at that point that our marriage was over.

The next few weeks were painful beyond words. Everyone was hurting. Our three teenagers. The church members. Our parents, friends, and relatives. It was incomprehensible the damage one decision could make.

Since I knew my kids desperately needed their friends, I decided we would remain in the same town, house, and even church. It was the best decision I could have made. The love and warmth I felt from my church family was the beginning of my healing.

For the next few years I tried to put my life back together. I got a job working in a medical clinic. My kids finished high school and moved on to jobs or college. I eventually married a wonderful man and moved to a bigger city. I followed my dream to become a writer and speaker.

But one issue remained unresolved through all the changes. I had never forgiven Debbie. Peter, yes. How could I not forgive him when I was also at fault for our failed marriage? But Debbie was a different matter. Unlike Peter, she had no reason to hurt me. Not only had she taken my husband, but she had robbed me of my self-worth for a long time. Those wounds still festered.

As the years passed, I convinced myself that everything was okay. Since I never had contact with Debbie, I seldom thought about her although as my children’s stepmother, she remained in my life from a distance. That was until I encountered the “Forgiveness Prayer.”

My husband and I were helping with an evangelism program in our church. The leader asked everyone to bow their heads while he read this prayer asking forgiveness from just about every person they knew. I was praying along fine until he came to the part that read, “I forgive the one person who has hurt me the most…” My mind instantly went to Debbie. I could see her standing there. Young. Long hair. Classy clothes. Smart. And the old wound began to hurt.

Tears streamed down my face. “I can’t forgive her, God,” I prayed silently. “You know I can’t do this.”

Somewhere during those few moments of honesty, God let me know that I would never be able to forgive Debbie without the power of His Spirit. It was simply impossible. And the only way I would have peace was to give it all to Him. All.

“Okay, Lord,” I finally prayed. “I’m giving this to you, but you are going to have to give me the ability to forgive her.” I knew a weight had been lifted. I felt a peace. But was it for real? How would I ever know if I never encountered her?

The opportunity came when my oldest son married. For the first time since the divorce, Debbie would be attending a family function. Although I felt I had forgiven her, I knew I really wouldn’t know until we met face to face. And we did. Right between the ceremony and the reception. I turned around from talking to someone, and there she was. What happened next was truly a miracle.

Without thinking, I hugged “the other woman” and told her it was good to see her after such a long time. And I meant it. You see, when I looked at my old friend, it was like nothing had ever happened. What I didn’t know was that she had sent me an e-mail before the wedding asking for my forgiveness!

I now know what the forgiveness of Jesus Christ looks like. Not only does He forgive us for all our sins, but He erases them as if they never happened. He loves us just as we are. The lesson was hard, but I’ve learned it.

Taken from “Just Between Us”

Today’s Prayer

Dear Lord,
Please help me to forgive the Other Person for their part in the affair, even though I feel they do not deserve it. Yet I know that many times I don’t deserve Your forgiveness. I can’t pretend that my heart isn’t breaking but I am willing to forgive. I know that I can only forgive them with Your strength and for that I am grateful.

Related Resources

Steps You Can Take:

Do you still need to forgive the Other Person? Take the time today to journal about what you believe is holding you back from forgiving them. Pray and ask for God’s help in truly forgiving them.

Reflections:

Think about your unforiveness as a wall. You have built it up around your heart so that you can keep others from hurting you again.

What hurts are you keeping behind your wall?

What are you going to miss out on if you keep the wall up?

Extra Bible Verses:

Let us then fearlessly and confidently and boldly draw near to the throne of grace (the throne of God’s unmerited favor to us sinners), that we may receive mercy [for our failures] and find grace to help in good time for every need [appropriate help and well-timed help, coming just when we need it]. Hebrews 4:16 (Amplified Bible)

Bless those who persecute you [who are cruel in their attitude toward you]; bless and do not curse them. Romans 12:14 (Amplified Bible)

Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Colossians 3:13 (New Living Translation)

Infidelity And Self-Esteem

rozalski — Mon, 27 Jun 2011 11:00:39 +0000

Infidelity And Self-Esteem

Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
Psalm 139:14 (The Message)

The actions of someone else never defines who we are and we never become less of a person because of the actions of our spouse’s. I get lots of emails stating how their self-esteem has taken a nose dive since finding out about their spouse’s affair. Mostly it’s women and many of them can’t help but think their husband’s are comparing them to the other woman every time they are being intimate. Many times the other woman was younger than them and had no children and they can’t help but think that their husband’s are comparing their older child bearing bodies to that of the other woman’s younger childless bodies.

I have been there! My husband’s other woman was the same age of me and she had 3 kids and I had 2 and we were the same height but I was at least 60 pounds heavier than she was. Even losing the weight didn’t make me feel any more likable or lovable. Women have shared with me that they have had plastic surgery trying to look and be better than the other woman and each of them felt the same way, that the surgery didn’t make them feel any more likable or lovable either.

“You’re beautiful from head to toe, my dear love, beautiful beyond compare, absolutely flawless”
Song of Solomon 4:7b (The Message)

When we feel “less than” many times we feel that we can never again enjoy sex with our husband’s but a marriage will never survive without sex. Sex is very essential because just like communication bonds a wife to her husband, sex bonds a husband to his wife. Sex just is not optional.

It’s such a shame that today’s society puts so much emphasis on the way a person looks on the outside. Society seems to idolize beauty and youth, especially with women and they seem to discard us as we age. For a few years I tried to be like her because that is what I thought my husband wanted. I felt that he didn’t want me anymore because he chooses to step out of our marriage so she must be really special for him to do that, right? Well, that is what I thought so I worked hard at dressing better, losing weight, acting perkier, being funnier, etc. I worked so hard at trying to be like her that I lost who I was and I was angry that I couldn’t be myself anymore. In reality, my husband didn’t want me to be anything like her and he really missed the old me very much. I was finally set free when I realized what I was doing to myself.

“For your royal husband delights in your beauty; honor Him, for He is your Lord.”
Psalm 45:11 (New Living Translation)

If you believe your marriage and the love of your husband can only survive because of how you look then you have a very shallow marriage. We must learn to not look to people for validation of our self-worth, taking their words as our truth. We must learn to rely on the words of truth from our heavenly Father instead! When you look to others for your self-worth and validation you will find it utterly fruitless and exhausting.

Try having some honest, heart-to-heart talks about the role of physical appearance in regards to his love for you and your sex life. No one’s body is perfect as we all end up with saggy boobs, cellulite and wrinkles. When a man sees a woman naked they will get turned on and she does not have to be anywhere near perfect and she doesn’t have to look like those super models that are airbrushed and no one actually really looks like them. Have you seen the photos of women without being airbrushed? If you haven’t, please watch this video I put together.

Today’s Prayer

Dear Lord,
Help me to always put Your truth about who I really am into my mind and heart so that I will not be swayed by other people’s opinions. I know that You are faithful and so worthy of my faith. You will never break Your promises, You will never leave and You will never lie. Teach me to follow You with complete trust and help any of my unbelief. Amen

Related Resources

Steps You Can Take:

Make a list of bible verses that you keep with you all the time to review and memorize when you are not feeling worthy.

Pick a verse each week and mediate on it for that week.

Pray to have a strong understanding of just how Jesus sees you.

Reflections:

How can you learn more about how His heart feels towards you?

Where do you draw your strength and identity from?

Can you clearly say who you are in Christ?

Extra Bible Verses:

“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” Ephesians 2:10 (New International Version)

“Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes.” Ephesians 1:4 (New Living Translation)

“So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.” Hebrews 4:16 (New Living Translation)

Infidelity In Marriage

rozalski — Sun, 15 May 2011 13:26:15 +0000

Jesus looked hard at them and said, “No chance at all if you think you can pull it off yourself. Every chance in the world if you trust God to do it.”
Matthew 19:26 (The Message)

Healing infidelity in marriage is never easy and doing it alone is just about impossible. As the above verse says, on your own it is impossible but you have every chance in the world when you put all your trust in God. I believe this whole heartedly because for the first 3 1/2 years I tried to heal from my husbands affair alone. I didn’t get anywhere in those years. I found that I was full of bitterness, resentment and anger and that I was killing my marriage, not making it better. No matter what I did I couldn’t seem to let go of all those negative thoughts and feelings. I started hating who I was becoming and I knew if I didn’t change that I would end up divorced and miserable for the rest of my life.

When someone first finds out about the infidelity in marriage the devastation is usually mind boggling. Your body is in shock and your emotions are all over the place. This is the worst time for anyone to make any kind of life altering decisions. Many times people make decisions based on their emotions and then years later they deeply regret these decisions. During the first year after finding out about the affair you should refrain from making any kind of life altering decision. At this time it’s very hard to see yourself in a happy marriage again and you’re so full of hurt that you in turn make bad choices.

During this time while you heal from infidelity in marriage you need to turn to God. He wants to cover you under His wing of protection but He can’t if you are running away from Him. It is common to blame God when you are in this situation but God didn’t do this to your marriage but He is there to help you heal from it. I wish I would have done that first because I would have saved myself years of heartache and pain if I would have just turned to Him first we could have healed a lot faster.

You may feel that healing from infidelity in marriage is impossible and you know what, I felt the same exact way. I felt that there was no way I could forgive such a horrible act such as this and how would I ever love and respect my husband again. I kept trying on my own but my heart was so full of bitterness, resentment and anger that I couldn’t find the love and respect anymore. Once I surrendered all these feelings to God I started to notice a big difference in how I was feeling towards my husband. I noticed that God was working in my heart and taking out all the bad stuff and replacing them with love and respect and honor again.

If you are struggling like I was and wondering why you still are not healed then I incourage you to spend time each day in the Word and in prayer. Give all your thoughts and feelings over to God and let Him change your heart towards your spouse. This is the reason I wrote the devotional book “Godly Whispers” so that you could focus on a devotion each day specifically for someone that has been betrayed with infidelity in marriage.

Today’s Prayer

Dear Lord,

Please help me with my negative thoughts and feelings. I don’t want to live a life full of bitterness, resentment and anger. Please take these from me and fill me with Your love, peace and comfort. Please send me your wisdom to know which way I should turn and help me to never make any life altering decisions based on my emotions. Please show me the right path to take concerning my marriage. Amen.

Related Resources

Steps You Can Take:

Write a letter to God being totally open and honest. Really pour out your heart to Him. This is your first step in toward healing and hope.

Reflections:

As you read through this devotion, what struggles are similar to yours? What struggles are you dealing with right now? What do you need to do to rely on God’s perspective and not your own?

Extra Bible Verses:

You have also given me the shield of Your salvation, and Your right hand has held me up; Your gentleness and condescension have made me great.
Psalm 18:35 (Amplified Bible)

I cling to you; your strong right hand holds me securely.
Psalm 63:8 (New Living Translation)

We put our hope in the Lord. He is our help and our shield.
Psalm 33:20 (New Living Translation)