Godly Whispers ~ Surviving Infidelity

What is “affair fog”anyway?

marsharozalski@godlywhispers.com (Marsha Rozalski) — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 04:00:18 PDT

What is “affair fog” anyway?

This term is used by both experts and affair victims. It describes the euphoria that one feels when they are involved in an affair. Remember how it felt when you first fell in love? During this time, the one having an affair will rationalize their actions so that they can minimize their guilt. They will even take it so far as to “invent” reasons why they are having an affair to begin with. Healing the marriage is impossible while they are in this fog.

The one having an affair will convince themselves that they’re in a bad marriage and/or that their spouse never really loved or understood them, when in reality this is far from the truth. Soon, the one having an affair will begin to actually believe the lies they are telling themselves so they then begin to act accordingly by treating their spouse very badly yet treating their affair partner in an affectionate and loving way. This is exactly how to addiction of affairs starts to take off.

The “Affair Fog” is really nothing more than a fantasy which is created by both of the affair partners. They see each other without flaws or weaknesses. The ones caught up in the affair are under the same influence as an addictive drug that is similar to a teenager in love. The bad news is that is it extremely hard to remove someone from this fog.

Many times when betrayed spouse’s find their spouse’s caught up in this “fog” they are unable to understand what their spouses are going through. They believe that their spouse has logically thought everything through and that they have found their perfect partner in their affair partner. I remember wondering why, all of a sudden, my husband was treating me SO badly. He was mean and nasty and acting like he couldn’t stand to even be around me and I was clueless as to why he was treating me this way.

I have since learned a lot about the “affair fog” and infatuation that now I can look at affairs more realistically. When I see others caught up in affairs that they are not thinking clearly and they are in no way acting in ways that one would consider rational. I can now see how an affair can turn any man who always puts his family first, into a person that only thinks of himself with no regard of the pain and devastation that he is causing.

Talking with those caught up in affairs, I see how little concern they have for the distress they are causing their families. They continually try to justify their actions. They surround themselves with other people who support their decision and who feel their affair partner is perfect for them. Those in the affair usually go around telling other people all of their affair partners redeeming qualities.

Until the “affair fog” and addiction are gone, healing from infidelity cannot begin. This fog usually won’t lift until 6 weeks have passed since they have had any sort of contact with the other person. That includes; seeing them, getting an email or text from them, speaking with them on the phone, etc. That is why it is so important to change jobs if they affair happened in the work place.

Separation Doesn’t Have to Mean Hopelessness

marsharozalski@godlywhispers.com (Marsha Rozalski) — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 03:55:00 PDT

Separation Doesn’t Have to Mean Hopelessness

Who stood up for me against the wicked? Who took my side against evil workers? If God hadn’t been there for me, I never would have made it. The minute I said, “I’m slipping, I’m falling,” your love, God, took hold and held me fast. When I was upset and beside myself, you calmed me down and cheered me up.
Psalm 94:16-19 (MSG)

If you and your spouse are separated right now this in no way means that it’s over! It’s never over till it’s over! A marriage is never over until divorce papers are signed. Many places require 6 months to 1 year of separation before this can even happen. This is the time for you to fight for your marriage, not to fight against your spouse, but against the evil that is trying to destroy your life and your marriage.

I sought the LORD, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears.
Psalm 34:4 (ESV)

If you are separated right now, then I am sure you’re experiencing a wide range of emotions, from love to hate, relief to pain, and from anger to concern. Being separated, especially if it’s not of your choosing, can be emotionally draining and can cause a sense of hopelessness. Always remember that there is no such thing as an “easy button” solution for your situation.

Never assume that your separation will lead to divorce. Your marriage can just as easily lead to a happier, stronger and more fulfilling one than you ever thought possible. It is very possible that your separation will lead to restoration, and the pain you are in now can is like labor pains which give birth to a new life. Where your separation will lead you is going to depend of what you both do, say, think and believe over the coming days, weeks and even months. These words, these thoughts, and these actions will determine the quality of your future life.

Know that God is probably more concerned than you are about the outcome of your separation. During your separation, you need to be leaning on Him more than ever. All you have to do is ask for His help and He will give it to you. Right now, more than ever, you need to be with others that believe in God and receive their encouragement. You need to keep your focus on God instead of your situation, or else you will sink just as surely as Peter did when he walked on the water toward Jesus.

If you are separated right now and need support during this hard time, you may want to consider coming to our Thursday night separation support calls. On these calls you will be with others that are going through the same thing you are. They can offer advice and comfort because they have been right where you are. For more information please see our Membership Page.

Soul Mates and Emotional Affairs

marsharozalski@godlywhispers.com (Marsha Rozalski) — Thu, 08 Sep 2011 04:00:20 PDT

“People with integrity walk safely, but those who follow crooked paths will slip and fall.”
(Proverbs 10:9, NLT)

Last year I had a Christian woman tell me she found her “soul mate.” I was more than intrigued since I knew she’d been married over 20 years. There were warning bells going off and I felt my stomach drop as she told me her story. I knew she was falling into an emotional affair and she was heading down a very slippery slope that never has a happy ending.

Her church hired a new choir director and, as all affairs do, it started out very innocently. He would compliment her on her voice, giving her praise and attention every practice. His words stirred up feelings inside her of loneliness and longing for affection. Feelings she didn’t even realize she had. If she’d only realized she was feeling lonely and ignored by her husband she could have talked with him about her feelings. But instead of turning to her husband, she turned to the new choir director.

She started staying behind after everyone left so she could talk with him. Over these “chats” he told her his marriage was not doing well and she in turn did the same. Before either of them realized it, feelings of attraction started stirring in their hearts. She told me how much she enjoyed their chats, that he understood her and that they had a “real” connection. She then told me she just knew he was meant to be her true “soul mate.”

This “soul mate” idea can do a lot of damage. When you pledge yourself before God to someone in marriage, you become soul mates.

“A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”
(Mark 10:7-9, NLT)

Christians seem more likely to get mixed up in emotional affairs. They feel it isn’t sin if there’s no touching involved. An affair is not defined by whether you have sex with the other person, but rather the secrecy involved and the fact that a spouse is being betrayed. Think about it, would you be hurt if your spouse had a “secret friend” that he or she shared their deepest secrets with that you knew nothing about?

Years ago, I remember a woman that started an emotional affair with another man she felt she had more in common with than her own husband. I guess the children they shared didn’t count. She became so entangled with this man that she left her husband for him. They didn’t last a year. Today she’s alone and the children are shuffled between both of them. Many times we find ourselves suffering from the “greener grass syndrome.”

We need to learn to be very honest with ourselves and God. Even thinking about and wanting to have an affair is sin.

“‘Don’t go to bed with another’s spouse.’ But don’t think you’ve preserved your virtue simply by staying out of bed. Your heart can be corrupted by lust even quicker than your body. Those leering looks you think nobody notices—they also corrupt.”
Matthew 5:28 (The Message)

Know this, an emotional affair is only the beginning of a physical affair.

This issue isn’t only for those who are married. I’ve known singles, both men and women, that struggled with falling for someone who’s married. We must all learn to guard our hearts against developing inappropriate friendships with the opposite sex. If you’re in a “friendship” with someone of the opposite sex that isn’t appropriate, I strongly urge you to end it now. You must stop feeding this addiction and run away from this sin. Do everything possible to make this happen including changing your email address, phone numbers and daily routines.

Always guard your heart and avoid inappropriate friendships with those of the opposite sex. Never speak of your marital problems or personal issues with someone of the opposite sex, save that for your same sex friends or a counselor. Have someone keep you accountable and ask how you are doing every now and then with your friendships. If you are married, take the time and effort to invest in your marriage and your true soul mate.

Today’s Prayer

Keep me strong so that I can do what I know is right. Help me keep my soul, body, heart and mind pure. Please convict me when I am straying off Your path. Teach me how I can have a stronger and happier marriage. In Jesus Name, Amen.

Related Resources

If you would like more devotionals just for the betrayed spouse, please visit Godly Whispers to purchase the book “Godly Whispers – A 90-Day Devotional To Help You Recover From Your Spouse’s Affair”

You will develop a deeper trust in God, who can control what you cannot. You will be able to get rid of all those “what if” worries as you get a continuing touch of God’s love and goodness. You will experience a strengthening of your self-worth in the face of all the betrayal.

Steps You Can Take:

Read what Jesus told a woman that was caught up in adultery in John 8:1-11

Use the “Love Dare” book to help you reinvest in your marriage.

Reflections:

Are you continually guarding your heart?

What is your current intimacy level in your marriage today?

What is your current intimacy level in your relationship with God?

Extra Bible Verses:

“Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me.” Psalm 51:10 (New Living Translation)

“Let us all come forward and draw near with true (honest and sincere) hearts in unqualified assurance and absolute conviction engendered by faith (by that leaning of the entire human personality on God in absolute trust and confidence in His power, wisdom, and goodness), having our hearts sprinkled and purified from a guilty (evil) conscience and our bodies cleansed with pure water.” Hebrews 10:22 (Amplified Bible)

When Forgiveness Seems Impossible

marsharozalski@godlywhispers.com (Marsha Rozalski) — Mon, 08 Aug 2011 03:45:31 PDT

When Forgiveness Seems Impossible

Infidelity in Marriage – Dealing with the other woman and learning to forgive

I found this online and just had to share this story with everyone. I hear many just like this one and it shows that true forgiveness really is possible through God.

________________________________________________

I stared at the e-mail in disbelief. Tears surfaced as I read, “I am so very sorry for all the hurts that we have caused you… To this day I have no idea how we could have made such a mess of things. I ask your forgiveness, even though I would never expect to get it…”

I didn’t think I would ever be able to forgive Debbie for the part she played in destroying my marriage. The memories of those hell-on-earth months remained open wounds for many years. For some reason, it was far more difficult for me to forgive Debbie than my ex-husband, Peter.

How could I forget that ominous phone call on my 41st birthday?

“I don’t know how to tell you this, Barb, but something is going on between Peter and Debbie. I’m not sure it’s sexual, but I have good reason to believe they’re having an emotional affair.”

My heart raced. Nancy, a friend and former member of my church, wouldn’t be calling me long distance with this sort of news unless she had evidence.

I already knew my 19-year-old marriage was in trouble. The past year had been like a bad dream. Although my pastor-husband proclaimed from his pulpit that I was his best friend, we weren’t communicating at home. His aloofness and anger baffled me.

I reasoned that at age 42, he could be having a midlife crisis or pastoral burnout. He only seemed happy when we were with our friends Debbie and Troy. Peter insisted they join us in almost everything. We skied, fished, roasted hot dogs, and ate every Sunday lunch together.

If Troy had to work, Debbie was still invited to tag along. Although she was my friend, her constant presence became a sore spot between Peter and me. He accused me of jealousy and overreacting.

One morning I received an inner warning that Peter was on his way home with bad news. We lived a distance from the church, and he seldom came home for lunch.

A few moments later Peter solemnly walked through the front door. “I need to talk with you, Barb,” he almost whispered. I could feel my chest tighten, so I took a deep breath. What could be so horrible that he couldn’t tell me on the phone?

“You know we’ve had problems in our marriage for a long time,” he began.”Well, I think we should get a divorce.” I couldn’t digest his words. Our marriage wasn’t perfect, but divorce? What about the kids? What about his ministry? What about us?

“Is there another woman?” I looked straight into the dark eyes that had made me fall in love with him. I couldn’t bring myself to say, “Is it Debbie?”

“No, there isn’t,” he assured me.

I never felt so alone in all my life. Whom does a pastor’s wife confide in when her husband asks her for a divorce?

I decided to tell only my sister. We cried together over the phone, and made plans for me to stay with her for awhile. Nancy’s call confirmed my deepest fears. I’d been suspicious of Peter and Debbie’s “friendship” for some time. To make matters worse, the church women’s executive team was treating me to lunch – and the “other woman” would be celebrating my birthday with me!

The Royal Regency could have been a hot dog stand for all I cared that afternoon. I can’t even recall eating or opening my gifts. But I do vividly remember the look of dismay on Debbie’s face when I confronted her after the luncheon.

She flatly denied the accusations. I apologized and retreated back into my confused state of mind.

Peter and I planned to meet at a ministers’ conference at the end of our separation, but that never happened. He phoned to inform me that Debbie had asked Troy for a divorce. He also told me he had resigned from the church. I knew at that point that our marriage was over.

The next few weeks were painful beyond words. Everyone was hurting. Our three teenagers. The church members. Our parents, friends, and relatives. It was incomprehensible the damage one decision could make.

Since I knew my kids desperately needed their friends, I decided we would remain in the same town, house, and even church. It was the best decision I could have made. The love and warmth I felt from my church family was the beginning of my healing.

For the next few years I tried to put my life back together. I got a job working in a medical clinic. My kids finished high school and moved on to jobs or college. I eventually married a wonderful man and moved to a bigger city. I followed my dream to become a writer and speaker.

But one issue remained unresolved through all the changes. I had never forgiven Debbie. Peter, yes. How could I not forgive him when I was also at fault for our failed marriage? But Debbie was a different matter. Unlike Peter, she had no reason to hurt me. Not only had she taken my husband, but she had robbed me of my self-worth for a long time. Those wounds still festered.

As the years passed, I convinced myself that everything was okay. Since I never had contact with Debbie, I seldom thought about her although as my children’s stepmother, she remained in my life from a distance. That was until I encountered the “Forgiveness Prayer.”

My husband and I were helping with an evangelism program in our church. The leader asked everyone to bow their heads while he read this prayer asking forgiveness from just about every person they knew. I was praying along fine until he came to the part that read, “I forgive the one person who has hurt me the most…” My mind instantly went to Debbie. I could see her standing there. Young. Long hair. Classy clothes. Smart. And the old wound began to hurt.

Tears streamed down my face. “I can’t forgive her, God,” I prayed silently. “You know I can’t do this.”

Somewhere during those few moments of honesty, God let me know that I would never be able to forgive Debbie without the power of His Spirit. It was simply impossible. And the only way I would have peace was to give it all to Him. All.

“Okay, Lord,” I finally prayed. “I’m giving this to you, but you are going to have to give me the ability to forgive her.” I knew a weight had been lifted. I felt a peace. But was it for real? How would I ever know if I never encountered her?

The opportunity came when my oldest son married. For the first time since the divorce, Debbie would be attending a family function. Although I felt I had forgiven her, I knew I really wouldn’t know until we met face to face. And we did. Right between the ceremony and the reception. I turned around from talking to someone, and there she was. What happened next was truly a miracle.

Without thinking, I hugged “the other woman” and told her it was good to see her after such a long time. And I meant it. You see, when I looked at my old friend, it was like nothing had ever happened. What I didn’t know was that she had sent me an e-mail before the wedding asking for my forgiveness!

I now know what the forgiveness of Jesus Christ looks like. Not only does He forgive us for all our sins, but He erases them as if they never happened. He loves us just as we are. The lesson was hard, but I’ve learned it.

Taken from “Just Between Us”

Today’s Prayer

Dear Lord,
Please help me to forgive the Other Person for their part in the affair, even though I feel they do not deserve it. Yet I know that many times I don’t deserve Your forgiveness. I can’t pretend that my heart isn’t breaking but I am willing to forgive. I know that I can only forgive them with Your strength and for that I am grateful.

Related Resources

Steps You Can Take:

Do you still need to forgive the Other Person? Take the time today to journal about what you believe is holding you back from forgiving them. Pray and ask for God’s help in truly forgiving them.

Reflections:

Think about your unforiveness as a wall. You have built it up around your heart so that you can keep others from hurting you again.

What hurts are you keeping behind your wall?

What are you going to miss out on if you keep the wall up?

Extra Bible Verses:

Let us then fearlessly and confidently and boldly draw near to the throne of grace (the throne of God’s unmerited favor to us sinners), that we may receive mercy [for our failures] and find grace to help in good time for every need [appropriate help and well-timed help, coming just when we need it]. Hebrews 4:16 (Amplified Bible)

Bless those who persecute you [who are cruel in their attitude toward you]; bless and do not curse them. Romans 12:14 (Amplified Bible)

Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Colossians 3:13 (New Living Translation)

Infidelity And Self-Esteem

marsharozalski@godlywhispers.com (Marsha Rozalski) — Mon, 27 Jun 2011 04:00:39 PDT

Infidelity And Self-Esteem

Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
Psalm 139:14 (The Message)

The actions of someone else never defines who we are and we never become less of a person because of the actions of our spouse’s. I get lots of emails stating how their self-esteem has taken a nose dive since finding out about their spouse’s affair. Mostly it’s women and many of them can’t help but think their husband’s are comparing them to the other woman every time they are being intimate. Many times the other woman was younger than them and had no children and they can’t help but think that their husband’s are comparing their older child bearing bodies to that of the other woman’s younger childless bodies.

I have been there! My husband’s other woman was the same age of me and she had 3 kids and I had 2 and we were the same height but I was at least 60 pounds heavier than she was. Even losing the weight didn’t make me feel any more likable or lovable. Women have shared with me that they have had plastic surgery trying to look and be better than the other woman and each of them felt the same way, that the surgery didn’t make them feel any more likable or lovable either.

“You’re beautiful from head to toe, my dear love, beautiful beyond compare, absolutely flawless”
Song of Solomon 4:7b (The Message)

When we feel “less than” many times we feel that we can never again enjoy sex with our husband’s but a marriage will never survive without sex. Sex is very essential because just like communication bonds a wife to her husband, sex bonds a husband to his wife. Sex just is not optional.

It’s such a shame that today’s society puts so much emphasis on the way a person looks on the outside. Society seems to idolize beauty and youth, especially with women and they seem to discard us as we age. For a few years I tried to be like her because that is what I thought my husband wanted. I felt that he didn’t want me anymore because he chooses to step out of our marriage so she must be really special for him to do that, right? Well, that is what I thought so I worked hard at dressing better, losing weight, acting perkier, being funnier, etc. I worked so hard at trying to be like her that I lost who I was and I was angry that I couldn’t be myself anymore. In reality, my husband didn’t want me to be anything like her and he really missed the old me very much. I was finally set free when I realized what I was doing to myself.

“For your royal husband delights in your beauty; honor Him, for He is your Lord.”
Psalm 45:11 (New Living Translation)

If you believe your marriage and the love of your husband can only survive because of how you look then you have a very shallow marriage. We must learn to not look to people for validation of our self-worth, taking their words as our truth. We must learn to rely on the words of truth from our heavenly Father instead! When you look to others for your self-worth and validation you will find it utterly fruitless and exhausting.

Try having some honest, heart-to-heart talks about the role of physical appearance in regards to his love for you and your sex life. No one’s body is perfect as we all end up with saggy boobs, cellulite and wrinkles. When a man sees a woman naked they will get turned on and she does not have to be anywhere near perfect and she doesn’t have to look like those super models that are airbrushed and no one actually really looks like them. Have you seen the photos of women without being airbrushed? If you haven’t, please watch this video I put together.

Today’s Prayer

Dear Lord,
Help me to always put Your truth about who I really am into my mind and heart so that I will not be swayed by other people’s opinions. I know that You are faithful and so worthy of my faith. You will never break Your promises, You will never leave and You will never lie. Teach me to follow You with complete trust and help any of my unbelief. Amen

Related Resources

Steps You Can Take:

Make a list of bible verses that you keep with you all the time to review and memorize when you are not feeling worthy.

Pick a verse each week and mediate on it for that week.

Pray to have a strong understanding of just how Jesus sees you.

Reflections:

How can you learn more about how His heart feels towards you?

Where do you draw your strength and identity from?

Can you clearly say who you are in Christ?

Extra Bible Verses:

“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” Ephesians 2:10 (New International Version)

“Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes.” Ephesians 1:4 (New Living Translation)

“So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.” Hebrews 4:16 (New Living Translation)

Infidelity In Marriage

marsharozalski@godlywhispers.com (Marsha Rozalski) — Sun, 15 May 2011 06:26:15 PDT

Jesus looked hard at them and said, “No chance at all if you think you can pull it off yourself. Every chance in the world if you trust God to do it.”
Matthew 19:26 (The Message)

Healing infidelity in marriage is never easy and doing it alone is just about impossible. As the above verse says, on your own it is impossible but you have every chance in the world when you put all your trust in God. I believe this whole heartedly because for the first 3 1/2 years I tried to heal from my husbands affair alone. I didn’t get anywhere in those years. I found that I was full of bitterness, resentment and anger and that I was killing my marriage, not making it better. No matter what I did I couldn’t seem to let go of all those negative thoughts and feelings. I started hating who I was becoming and I knew if I didn’t change that I would end up divorced and miserable for the rest of my life.

When someone first finds out about the infidelity in marriage the devastation is usually mind boggling. Your body is in shock and your emotions are all over the place. This is the worst time for anyone to make any kind of life altering decisions. Many times people make decisions based on their emotions and then years later they deeply regret these decisions. During the first year after finding out about the affair you should refrain from making any kind of life altering decision. At this time it’s very hard to see yourself in a happy marriage again and you’re so full of hurt that you in turn make bad choices.

During this time while you heal from infidelity in marriage you need to turn to God. He wants to cover you under His wing of protection but He can’t if you are running away from Him. It is common to blame God when you are in this situation but God didn’t do this to your marriage but He is there to help you heal from it. I wish I would have done that first because I would have saved myself years of heartache and pain if I would have just turned to Him first we could have healed a lot faster.

You may feel that healing from infidelity in marriage is impossible and you know what, I felt the same exact way. I felt that there was no way I could forgive such a horrible act such as this and how would I ever love and respect my husband again. I kept trying on my own but my heart was so full of bitterness, resentment and anger that I couldn’t find the love and respect anymore. Once I surrendered all these feelings to God I started to notice a big difference in how I was feeling towards my husband. I noticed that God was working in my heart and taking out all the bad stuff and replacing them with love and respect and honor again.

If you are struggling like I was and wondering why you still are not healed then I incourage you to spend time each day in the Word and in prayer. Give all your thoughts and feelings over to God and let Him change your heart towards your spouse. This is the reason I wrote the devotional book “Godly Whispers” so that you could focus on a devotion each day specifically for someone that has been betrayed with infidelity in marriage.

Today’s Prayer

Dear Lord,

Please help me with my negative thoughts and feelings. I don’t want to live a life full of bitterness, resentment and anger. Please take these from me and fill me with Your love, peace and comfort. Please send me your wisdom to know which way I should turn and help me to never make any life altering decisions based on my emotions. Please show me the right path to take concerning my marriage. Amen.

Related Resources

Steps You Can Take:

Write a letter to God being totally open and honest. Really pour out your heart to Him. This is your first step in toward healing and hope.

Reflections:

As you read through this devotion, what struggles are similar to yours? What struggles are you dealing with right now? What do you need to do to rely on God’s perspective and not your own?

Extra Bible Verses:

You have also given me the shield of Your salvation, and Your right hand has held me up; Your gentleness and condescension have made me great.
Psalm 18:35 (Amplified Bible)

I cling to you; your strong right hand holds me securely.
Psalm 63:8 (New Living Translation)

We put our hope in the Lord. He is our help and our shield.
Psalm 33:20 (New Living Translation)

Forgiving Infidelity

marsharozalski@godlywhispers.com (Marsha Rozalski) — Tue, 03 May 2011 18:02:39 PDT

“No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.”
Romans 8:37 (New Living Translation)

Forgiving infidelity? How is that even possible? How can I even fathom forgiving my husband for this cruel and horrible thing he did to me? Was it even possible to forgive such an act? I really could not wrap my brain around the fact that he actually had an affair with this woman for the past year and yet here he sat telling me about it and wanting to stay married. All I could think of was that if the situation was reversed he would be long gone but yet he expected me to forgive him and move on? I had no idea if I really could do that or if I even wanted to do that.

To tell you the truth, I didn’t even think about forgiving me for over 2 years. I was too devastated and in too much pain to just let him off the hook like that. You see at the time I felt that forgiving him meant I was saying that the affair was okay with me and that everything was now hunky dory with us. But it wasn’t okay with me and I knew it never would be okay with me so why would I forgive him when it was NOT okay? It took me a long time to realize that forgiving infidelity really had nothing to do with my husband but everything to do with me. Forgiving my husband in no way meant that what he did was okay with me, what it really meant was that I agreed to no longer bring up the affair in a mean way that is meant to hurt him. We could still discuss the affair, but forgiving meant I would no longer ever throw it back in his face.

Forgiveness also meant that I was giving up my resentment, my anger and my need to punish him. This was very hard, but I knew in my heart that I had to let go and let God work in my heart and dig out all those feelings so that I then would have room to forgive. My heart was so full of bitterness, resentment and anger that I didn’t have any room left for forgiveness, kindness, peace and love. If you cannot learn to forgive you will find yourself a very bitter person that no one wants to be around and I found myself becoming this person and even I couldn’t stand to be around myself.

God showed me that is was my unwillingness to forgive my husband that made me this way. I saw that I was refusing to forgive my husband as a way to punish him and all I was really doing was punishing myself. Through a lot of tears and praying there came a day where I realized that I had forgiven him and that I no longer had bitterness, resentment and anger locked up inside of my heart. This didn’t happened overnight, really it took years and I wish I knew then what I know now. God is the way to forgiving infidelity because without God, I wouldn’t have been able to forgive my husband for such a horrendous act.

The more you draw closer to God the more He can work in your heart and replace your bitterness, resentment and anger with that of love, peace, comfort, kindness and forgiveness. Don’t expect it to happen overnight, because we all have our own processes we must go through and lessons we need to learn so be patient and know that God will truly work in your heart if you let Him.

Today’s Prayer

Dear Lord,

Please fill me with Your wisdom so I will know just how to deal with all my raging emotions that I have inside of me. Fill my heart with Your love so that I may have the strength and want to, to forgive my spouse for their infidelity. Help me to remember that Your acceptance and approval is all I ever really need. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Related Resources

Steps You Can Take:

Ask God to intervene in your marriage and help you truly forgive your spouse and heal your marriage. I know right now it may seem utterly hopeless, but I am here to tell you that nothing is too big for God to tackle.

Spend some time journaling about the reasons why you are holding back your forgiveness and then pray over your list seeking God’s help in your quest of forgiving infidelity.

Reflections:

Holding onto your unforgiveness is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to die. Unforgiveness is poison to your soul and it will eat you alive from the inside out.

Extra Bible Verses:

“And forgive Your people, who have sinned against You, and all their transgressions against You, and grant them compassion before those who took them captive, that they may have pity and be merciful to them.”
1 Kings 8:50 (Amplified Bible)

“And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him and let it drop (leave it, let it go), in order that your Father Who is in heaven may also forgive you your [own] failings and shortcomings and let them drop.”
Mark 11:25 (Amplified Bible)

“Your unfailing love, O Lord, is as vast as the heavens; your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds.”
Psalm 36:5 (New Living Translation)

More Devotions

Infidelity In Marriage

Christian Affair Is No Small Affair

marsharozalski@godlywhispers.com (Marsha Rozalski) — Mon, 06 Dec 2010 03:00:41 PST

“Love does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.”
1 Corinthians 13:6 (Amplified Bible)

It does happen, the Christian affair. Infidelity can touch even the most religious of households. When you pull away from God and your spouse then you are letting yourself be vulnerable to a Christian affair.

A while ago, I was with a woman and I watched her tears roll down her pretty face. A few months before I ever met her, her world seemed so perfect with a very loving husband and two great kids. Her life seemed so fun and full.

But there was a piece of her that felt very restless, empty and unsettled. She began having feelings of detachment with her spouse and she was very disappointed with their relationship. She wondered why he didn’t make her feel cherished and loved. Wasn’t he the one that was supposed to have her feel safe and right all the wrongs and leave her with a feeling of lasting love?

Not long ago she met this guy who said the things she’d always wanted to hear from her husband. This guy made her feel funny and pretty. Soon, she started rationalizing that she had never truly loved her husband at all. The web of deception soon began and she fell right into the other mans arms and thus began the Christian affair.

She didn’t want to come along to our churches women’s retreat. She didn’t want to because she realized it would make the guilt come and she was so over having those guilty feelings. All she was doing was biding her time until she could walk out on her husband and begin her new life with the other guy. Yet, her friends began to get suspicious of the way she was pulling away from all the church activities she used to love being a part of. So, to make them happy, she came to this retreat.

During the weekend, her walls she had carefully put up to push everyone out and away from her secret began to fall down. By the second night, she was sitting by me and she confessed about the Christian affair. She so desperately needed and wanted to understand how everyone seemed so full of the love of God. She now could see that her heart wasn’t craving the love of this other man but God’s love.

When you hunt down love that is not in God’s will you are going to get the opposite kind of love in your life. You can find what love really is in 1 Corinthians 13:

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

Now, the above is not what is just given to us when we are in love with someone. This is what God’s love is all about. This type of love will be ours as we strive to be Christ-like. This love isn’t ever focused at ourselves. It’s never about what you can get from someone else. This love is about making the decision to give your love away without wanting something in return.

I myself struggle with this. Because we were made for God’s love, if we let our relationship with Him slack, our hearts will begin to feel very empty, unfulfilled and restless.

I want to warn you to never get into a place where you think that you’re strong enough to never be tempted into a Christian affair. If we were truly honest with ourselves, we really are just a couple bad decisions from being in the same situation as this dear woman who is now working hard at untangling herself from her Christian affair. I have complete faith in God’s ability in restoring her, but the consequences of this affair will be very severe on so many levels.

The type of love your soul is craving is never going to be found with the things of the world. Perfectly satisfying and lasting love can only be found when we stop going after the wrong type of love and begin living out God’s truths.

Today’s Prayer

Dear Lord,

Please help me to only rely on Your love and not the love of the world. Show me how to guard my heart and make wise decisions. I never want to get drawn into the ways of the world and their “fake” love. Lord, please show me when I am starting to be drawn into it so that I can turn around before it’s too late. Please bring people into my life that are strong enough to speak the truth into my life. Amen.

Related Resources

Steps You Can Take:

I want everyone to really hear me, can you please make the commitment today to seek out God’s love and not the worlds? If someone looks appealing to you and you find your heart being turned away from God, please commit that you will quickly admit this to another godly woman and seek their help.

Reflections:

Which of your friends can hold you accountable? Which friends can you develop this kind of openness with?

Extra Bible Verses:

Keep and guard your heart with all vigilance and above all that you guard, for out of it flow the springs of life.
Proverbs 4:23 (Amplified Bible)

A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.
Luke 6:45 (New International Version)

More Devotions

Forgiving Infidelity

Do You Want To Know The Secret To Stopping Your Negative Thoughts?

marsharozalski@godlywhispers.com (Marsha Rozalski) — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 03:00:25 PST

Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.
Romans 12:2

All our thoughts, whether good or bad, affect our mood and our attitudes. When all or most of our thoughts are negative, we find ourselves miserable and depressed. And when we are miserable, we make everyone around us miserable too.

Now you may be thinking that going through your spouse’s affair gives you every right to be miserable, depressed and have negative thoughts. You are probably right, but there does come a day when our negative thoughts have to be turned around into more positive ones. If we don’t get our negative thinking under control, then we are letting the devil win the battle of our mind.

Negative thinking, no matter how much you may believe your entitled to it, will make very dangerous weeds of resentment and bitterness be able to take root. These weeds are going to kill your closeness, peace and intimacy in your marriage. Negative thinking will make you become distant, angry, harsh, irritable and unforgiving toward your spouse. Negative thinking will also lead you toward divorce.

Now you may be thinking, yeah but their affair is what is causing me to be this way and their affair is what is driving us towards divorce, not my way of thinking. Maybe you are right, but is your spouse truly remorseful? Are they doing everything they humanly can to show you how sorry they are and are they willing to do whatever it takes to mend the marriage? If they are, then your own continued negative thinking is what is going to drive your marriage to divorce, not the affair.

When others told me this, it made me so mad! How come it’s MY fault if we divorce and not HIS fault because HE’S the one who cheated, NOT me! But after a while, I realized that others were right. My negative thinking was killing what was left of my marriage. I was driving our marriage right into the ditch because of my self-righteous attitude. Once I lost the attitude and the negative thinking, my marriage did a 180 and started improving almost immediately.

Making this shift from negative thinking to positive thinking is extremely difficult and it’s a process that does NOT happen overnight. It gets easier the further away from D-Day you get. I couldn’t even begin to start battling my negative thinking until almost 3 years after D-Day but that is because I was being stubborn and bull headed. I believe you should start battling negative thinking right away no matter how hard it is to do. But how do you take this horrible situation and find anything positive in it? Now that is a good question!

God provides us wonderful strategies for attacking our negative thinking. First, we need to ask God to make us very aware of our negative thoughts that are harming our marriage. Second, we then need to confess these negative thoughts to Him. Third, we need to ask God to take these negative thoughts captive unto Him. Fourth, we have to replace the negative thoughts with the truth of the Lord.

Following this strategy above will lead you to a MUCH improved thought life and here are some ways you can go about it.

“I am so angry that all I want to do is vent all over him. Lord, please help me gain some patients and help me control my anger.”

“I don’t understand why he won’t talk to me! Lord, please help me gain some wisdom in how to better approach my husband so we can discuss the affair without angry outbursts.”

“I can’t believe he would do this to me, sometimes I really hate him! Lord, please comfort me and bring me peace. Sometimes the pain is too much for me to bear.”

Awareness of our thoughts around our spouse’s and marriage are very important because it’s our thoughts that lead our attitudes in our marriage and our attitudes are what lead our actions. When our thoughts are Christ centered, we will then react in ways that will build closeness within our marriage rather than destroy it and tear it down.

Today’s Prayer

Dear Lord,

I want to place all my negative thoughts in Your hands right now. Please replace these negative thoughts with ones that are positive and bring on good feelings. Help me to keep my focus on all the blessings You have given me. I hand over my depression over to You, Lord. Thank You for releasing me from my negative thoughts. Thank You for being the wonderful God that You are. Amen.

Related Resources

Good Thinking Vs. Bad Thinking Worksheet

This is just one of the 30 extra bonus worksheets that are in the Godly Whispers Workbook that goes along with the “Godly Whispers – A 90-Day Devotional To Help You Recover From Your Spouse’s Affair”.

Steps You Can Take:

Meditate and pray while you read the Word of God. Write down all the positive thoughts that the Lord gives you. Also, memorize scripture that really speaks to you and brings out the good feelings inside of you.

Keep a gratitude journal. Have a special notebook just for this purpose and write down everything that your spouse is doing TODAY that you are grateful for. Do this every day and read it often.

What makes you the most angry right now? When these situations happen, does your negative thinking get out of hand? Right now, write down a plan to how you can respond in a different more positive way the next time this situation happens.

Write down the four steps from this devotional as your very own action plan. Pray and ask the Lord to give you His strength to think and respond differently.

Reflections:

Strongholds are developed in our minds through repetition. What strongholds are you developing in your mind around your marriage and spouse? Be extremely aware of times you think or say “they always” or “they never”. Ask God to reveal to you when you are doing this so that He can help you find the truth.

The way we think can very easily be influenced by others that are around us. Please be sure that you surround yourself with God like people who have your marriage at heart and that can feed you the truths you so desperately need right now. If you are around those who speak only negative things about your marriage and spouse then there is a large chance their thoughts will become your thoughts.

Extra Bible Verses:

But we have the mind of Christ (the Messiah) and do hold the thoughts (feelings and purposes) of His heart.
1 Corinthians 2:16

We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.
2 Corinthians 10:5

More Devotions

Christian Affair Is No Small Affair
Forgiving Infidelity

Do You Know Where To Put Your Trust After An Affair?

marsharozalski@godlywhispers.com (Marsha Rozalski) — Mon, 22 Nov 2010 03:00:40 PST

But when I am afraid, I will put my trust in you. I praise God for what he has promised. I trust in God, so why should I be afraid?
Psalm 56:3-4 (New Living Translation)

When an affair has been discovered, trust is almost always shattered. It can splinter so horribly that it feels like it can never be restored again. You may even feel like you can no longer trust anyone or anything.

After I found out about my husband’s affair, I didn’t even know what the word trust meant any more. I no longer viewed the world the way I did before the affair. Everything was skewed and distorted. Everyone I spoke to I no longer trusted. If someone I loved so much and was supposed to love me could betray my trust so horribly, then so could anyone else. I no longer felt safe and I no longer had anyone I could trust and count on.

This loss of trust causes us great pain. We all of a sudden are suspicious of everything and everybody. I know that walking around being paranoid and jumpy is no way to live. I know that up until I found out about my husband’s affair, I had blind trust in him. I always thought that was the kind of trust I was supposed to have because if I didn’t, then it meant that I really didn’t love my husband. Well, I found out the hard way that this was wrong. No one should ever have blind trust in another person.

So, if we aren’t supposed to have blind trust in our spouse’s, then what kind of trust should we have? Should we trust our spouse’s? Yes, but not blindly. If your gut is telling you something is off, then you should not ignore it. That is what I did; I ignored that little voice that told me something was very wrong. I ignored it because my husband would never do something like that to me and I completely trusted him. We should not ignore our gut feelings over trust. If your gut is telling you something isn’t right, then take it to the Lord and He will tell you the steps you should take.

Where are you placing all your trust? Do you place more of your trust in things and others than you do God? I know that for me, I placed more trust in my husband, marriage and even myself than I did God.

Do you get quiet with God and He tells you something He wants you to do and then you just give a bunch of excuses of why you can’t do it? When you do this, you are basically telling God that you don’t trust Him and that you trust yourself and your plan more.

God wants you to be bigger and better than you are now. God only has your best interests at heart. He tells you to do things because He loves you, not because He’s punishing you. You’ll find that if you place your full trust in God you and your marriage will change for the better.

God will show you how to trust your spouse again. It won’t happen overnight but it will happen. Trust comes back slowly and in baby steps. You may even feel like it goes backwards at times, but if you continue to ONLY put your trust in God, you will come out on the other side of this affair a happier and totally healed person.

But, if you choose to not put your trust in God, then you will find that your healing process will become harder and your pain will last longer than need be. If you make plans and then expect God to follow them, you will find yourself upset, hurt and angry because things aren’t going the way you wanted them to go.

Sometimes trust is a really hard step to take – especially when it means you have to step out of your comfort zone and do something you were never expecting to do. That is why we have to choose to trust fully in God, despite how we are feeling.

You need to trust Go and stand on His promises even when your emotions have you confused and uncertain. Proverbs 3:5-6 reminds us, “Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths.”

God’s “no” could be for your protection, protecting you from something you cannot see. God’s “no” could be for your provision, providing something way better than what you thought was the best thing. God’s “no” could just be part of the process of growing you closer to Him. When we are weak, only then can we truly understand just how much God can be our strength.

Today’s Prayer

Dear Lord,
I trust You Lord. I trust Your plan for my life and marriage. I trust Your greatness. I trust what You can see and I cannot. I trust You with everything. Lord, please help me to trust you with every single situation in my life. Please help me to find that peaceful trust in You. Please give me enough wisdom to process my situation and enough perspective to keep my mind focused on You. Thank You for being the wonderful God that You are. Amen.

Related Resources

If you would like more devotionals just for the betrayed spouse, please visit http://www.godlywhispers.com/DevotionalBook to purchase the book “Godly Whispers – A 90-Day Devotional To Help You Recover From Your Spouse’s Affair”

Steps You Can Take:

Memorize one of the Extra Verses below and repeat it throughout the day and remind yourself of God’s goodness during these difficult times in your life.

Is there a time that God did whatever it took and you later realized it was actually good for you? Spend time journaling about that today.

Reflections:

What stops you from trusting God?
Is there any way you can truly control your situation?
Isn’t it comforting knowing that you can leave what you can’t control in God’s completely capable hands?

Extra Bible Verses:

I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.
John 16:33 (New Living Translation)

For as the sky soars high above earth, so the way I work surpasses the way you work, and the way I think is beyond the way you think.
Isaiah 55:9 (The Message)

When you come looking for me, you’ll find me. “Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed.”
Jeremiah 29:13 (The Message)

More Devotions

Do You Want To Know The Secret To Stopping Your Negative Thoughts?
Christian Affair Is No Small Affair