Goetz Forever

Being a Mother is Enough...

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 05 Jun 2016 19:59:00 +0000

I have been a working woman since I could remember. When my family moved to America I was eight years old and soon cleaning offices with my parents in the evenings. As a teenager I worked in the retail world and quickly found my identity and self-worth in my performance and how good I was at my job. When I joined the military at the age of twenty four, I had years of workplace experience and early on I learned that good performance equaled praise and awards. I loved working hard and seeing the results. I served in the military for ten years (active and reserve) and got out to be a mom.

Before I was a mom I would spend hours thinking about the kind of mom I would be. I would certainly be that Pinterest mother that was structured, had planned activities for my kids, made my own baby food and certainly did Bible studies with my kids including verse memorization. I would LOVE being a stay-at-home-mother!

As many of you already know, our journey of becoming parents wasn't a traditional one. We became foster parents January 28th, 2013 and were placed with our now adoptive daughter the following day, January 29th, 2013. We became parents overnight, literally! The social worker dropped off Micah-Grace one afternoon and then just left. We sat there looking at each other wondering, what now?

Fast forward three years. We now we have our daughter Micah-Grace and our 6 month old foster-daughter, Baby T. For the past three years I have struggled with being a stay-at-home mother. I have wondered, this is really it? I mean changing diapers, naps, time-outs, driving to school, laundry, etc. is not always fun! The different seasons of parenting are hard. I am not a Pinterest mom in fact, I am not very good with toddler structure, I have little patience for disobedience and the list goes on and on. Going to work was so much easier. I could have adult conversations, work hard, people sometimes said please/thank you and there was always an immediate result.

Earlier this month I had a come to Jesus moment when some people in my church had a hard conversation with me about my priorities. Lovingly they reminded me that my relationship with Jesus was most important, not what I DO for him. Secondly, my relationship with my husband must be healthy and finally my responsibilities as a wife and mother come before serving in the church. As you might imagine I didn't receive these words very well at first. I began to wonder what I had done wrong. Had I not given God my all? Wasn't the "work" I am doing in the church important? As I drove home after that conversation, I prayed that God would open my heart to what he had to say through His word and the people He had put in my life to shepherd me.

That afternoon God began to soften my heart to receive the loving words my friends had for me. At this time, God has given me two jobs, being a wife and mother. He hasn't called me to have a full-time job. He also hasn't called me to serve the church full-time. He knows how He has gifted me and that I can offer my talents to the church but it has to be with great discernment. My time has to be wisely used and I cannot forget that being a wife and mother is my first responsibility.

Why is all of this so hard to swallow? I am a performer and perfectionist. I like to see results. I make a plan and follow through with it. You can imagine the humbleness I have learned being a mother. I don't know about you but the feeling of not being good enough is always present. Your child doesn't listen, laundry is still not done, the house hasn't been cleaned in weeks, cartoons have been on way too long because I just can't deal with another meltdown...so on and so on. Many don't even acknowledge being a stay-at-home mother as a job and if they do it seems like they feel sorry for you more than anything. I can't say I remember the last time my daughter said, "Mom, you're so great. Thank you for all you do." I certainly can't remember someone coming to my door and presenting me with an mommy of the day award. On the contrary, social media has enabled our society to judge too quickly and make people feel like they are constantly missing something.

So what am I missing? The Enemy would love for me to believe that being a mother is not enough. He wants me to believe that God doesn't know what's best for me. It's the oldest lie in history.
He said to the woman, "Did God actually say, 'You shall not eat of any tree in the garden'?" (Genesis 3:1b). Can you hear him asking her if God really knows what's best for her? I mean if God really loved me He would want me to have everything I want! That isn't what God wants for me though. He knows that what's best for me today is to be a wife and mother. That doesn't mean my dreams and goals in the business world are dead. God has a time for that.
The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps. (Proverbs 16:9)
Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but is the purpose of the Lord that will stand. (Proverbs 19:21)

A wise woman in my church reminded me the time and energy I invest in my children today my not show "results" for years to come. Being at home with my kids may not be the fanciest job but it certainly is what God has called me to today and for that I am grateful. Even though I may not always be the best mother, God is always good and never fails to provide what I need.

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Dear Birth Mom on Mother's Day...

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 08 May 2016 14:11:00 +0000

Dear Birth Mom on Mother's Day,

I have so many emotions when I think of you. My heart is so full of joy I get one more year to be called mother by our sweet little girl. With that joy I experience much sadness knowing you don't get to see what an amazing little girl you created. She is fun, full of smiles and a little crazy just like me. She loves to sing and doesn't care who is watching. Sometimes she is shy and a little bit of a loner but that's just how God made her. You would be proud of the little girl she is becoming. I wish you knew her. I know she would bring so much joy in your life.

This Mother's Day I pray you feel God's love for you. I know it wasn't easy giving up your child. I will always be so thankful for the part you played in this beautiful story of us becoming parents. I pray God's redeeming love finds you and restores your life so that one day you will know our sweet little girl. Thank you for our gift and choosing life.

Sincerely,
Adoptive Mom

My response...

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 02 Feb 2016 21:14:00 +0000

We recently moved to the Las Vegas area last April and I have met many moms, families and people along the way. Play dates, library story times and conversations in general most always lead to our story of adopting Micah-Grace thru the Washington State Foster Care System. Generally the response is always something like this, "Wow! I have always thought about foster care. I could never do that. It would be so hard to let go of the kids and how could any parent do the things they do for their child to be in foster care? You guys are amazing!"

Now let me just say first hand, we are NOT amazing. I am always taken back by that comment because I am so aware how amazing we are NOT. We have experiences some joy, hardship, blessing and trials being foster parents but through it all, Jesus Christ has been our focus. We strongly believe everything can be used for God's glory. There have been moments where I have cried out in prayer not sure if I would be able to make it. The one thing that has never changed is Christ's love and provision. With every placement there is fear and uncertainty but God is good. He has a plan for our family and each child that comes into our home.

The other part of the response I always struggle with is the reactions about biological parents. Most of the time the response is filled with anger and judgement. When I share my daughter tested positive for two types of drugs more comments are made in defense of our little girl and how could a mom ever do that. I understand the anger and judgment but with so much love and gentleness I try to remind them of the following:

1. This may be all they know - Many parents of foster kids are a product of the system themselves. Moms addicted to drugs, alcohol and the lifestyle may know nothing else because that's all they saw. Remember when you were young and you were taught manners, to be thankful, to share, etc.? What if you didn't have parents to teach you that stuff? Wouldn't you follow their example? Maybe they were abused at an early age and their only way out of the situation was to go but they had no where to go. You never know these bio-parent's stories fully so don't be quick to judge.

2. You never know what tomorrow has for you - I don't know the future. Sometimes bad things happen and we may not be in a place in our lives to deal with it fully. I could lose my husband tomorrow and the pain of the event could put me over the edge making it impossible for me to take care of my daughter. Things can happen that break us. If you don't have family, community and people to support you through it, what makes you think you couldn't lose your kids? If that did happen, wouldn't you want a chance to get your child(ren) back? Some of these bio-parents made a mistake and need that love and support to get better for themselves and their child(ren).

3. Jesus - When you study the life of Jesus you see him with all the outcasts. He didn't go hang out with the "good" and "religious" people. His whole life is about saving the lost both physically and spiritually. Prostitutes, tax collectors, the sick and rejected people were who he wanted to be with because they needed His love. These bio-parents NEED our love. We could be the only people that show them grace, love, compassion and forgiveness. Trust me, they have enough people judging them.

I know what you may be thinking...wow that's really hard to do when you hear some of the foster care stories. Yes I know. What I have learned is God's love for me is big enough to share. He forgives me. He gives me second chances. He gives grace where grace is undeserved. When I remember what Christ has done and how much He loves me, it's easier to see through His eyes.

Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven - for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little.
Luke 7:47

"Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it for me."
Matthew 25:40b

"For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly...but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
Romans 5: 6, 8

We are not an accident...

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 17 Sep 2015 20:41:00 +0000

For a while now there have been multiple heart breaking videos about Planned Parenthood's methods and use of baby parts. To be honest I haven't followed most of it. I only watched one video and haven't joined the debate online or in person with others. This is not for a lack of an opinion on my part. I regularly think about abortion stories and how that could have been our daughter's story. She too could have gone to see the Lord before even breathing her first breath in this world. I don't know why God saw fit to give her mother the strength and will power to go through with her pregnancy. I do know I am so grateful for it.

This week I started something new in my Bible reading time. A pastor at our church mentioned that when you read the Bible you should always seek to know more about Christ and who He is. In light of that wise counsel, before I start reading I write down this question: What did I learn about God and who He is through this scripture?

It's only been day two of this and today God blew my mind specifically in this area of abortion. While reading Psalm 139 these verses stood out.

"For you formed my inward parts;
You knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
My soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
When I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
In your book were written, every one of them.
The days that were formed for me,
When as yet there was none of them."
(vs. 14-16)

Now most of you have read and might be familiar with the first verse. I know I was. It is the life verse we picked for Micah-Grace's dedication at church. The verses I missed all this time were 15-16. Look how amazing God is! He intricately made us. He knew us even when we looked like a "unformed substance." Whether you believe a baby is human at conception, when it "looks" like a baby or when delivered, the Bible is clear. His eyes sees every child and He has made note of every one of them. That is AMAZING! How did I miss this?! These verse bring me so much joy! God knows us all. None of us were an accident!

As we move into another season of being foster parents in a new city and state I am reminded of how important it is to have total trust in my Heavenly Father. I don't know what child or children that will come into our home or for how long. But I do know none of them are mistakes. He has a plan for each one of our kids. That's good news!

Dear Child That Didn't Stay...

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 26 Jul 2015 23:12:00 +0000

Dear child that didn't stay,

I think of you often, every day in fact. There are so many things that remind me of you. When a bus passes by I think of how much you loved buses and wanted to ride one all the time. If I see a baby snuggled up with their momma, I think of the sweet kisses and snuggles we shared for a brief weekend. When I hear another child with the same name as you, my heart aches thinking of you. I wonder what you are up to day. Are you walking? Are you making new friends?

Sometimes I doubt myself and wonder if I could have done more. I struggle knowing I might not have been what you needed. I know I made mistakes and probably hurt you as a parent. I am sorry.

I pray for you often. My heart slowly heals when I ask God to be with you, to protect you and watch over you wherever you are. Even though I don't see you anymore, you are forever etched in my heart. It's like a piece of my heart is forever yours. You called me mom and loved me as your own. I am so thankful for the time I spent with you. It was hard losing you and I don't think it will ever be the same. You life matters to us and to Christ. He has a plan for you. It's a promise He made and I believe He will see it through in your life. I pray that the verses you memorized and the Word of God you heard me read begin to take fruit in your life. That God would change your story and make it be a light that shines his goodness and love.

As I sat watching my daughter sleep last night, you came to my mind. With tears in my eyes, God once again reminded me that you are His. You are His creation and He doesn't make mistakes. You are loved sweet child by me and our heavenly Father. I haven't forgotten you. You are still very much part of my life. I think that part may never change.

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." - Romans 8:28

To Micah-Grace ... The Day You Were Adopted

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 24 May 2015 15:58:00 +0000

My Dearest Daughter,

On March 26th, 2015, you were adopted. It was a day filled with mixed emotions. We waited more than two years to officially call you our forever daughter. In my mind you always were my forever. God picked you for us. Even though you didn't come from my belly you looked just like me. The dimple on the left side of your cheek and your beautiful blue eyes oddly looked just like mine. You are the little girl that made me a mommy. We prayed for you even before you were born in fact, many people did. People loved you while you were growing in your mother's womb. The Lord filled my heart with love for you before you were even born. I remember standing in your room praying for the child that would sleep in the crib. Praying that God would use us to make much of Him. It' is only because of His faithfulness we are called your mother and father. His love for you and your life is beyond anything you could ever imagine my sweet little girl.

We stood in front of a judge to declare we would love and protect you forever. That we would call you our own as if you came from my very own body. You were adopted into our family and now you have our name forever.

But there is a greater family my little girl. The Lord Jesus wants to adopt you into His family. He died on a cross to save you from your sins. His love is greater than anything we will ever be able to give you. We will fail you as parents but there is a daddy that never will. His name is Jesus! Oh how I long for you to be adopted into His family one day. You will never be the same once you meet this daddy. He has known of you and your amazing life since before time even began. He created you for His glory.

My deepest longing and prayer for you is that you meet this Jesus, sweet child of mine. That you love and serve Him with all your heart. Your life is not an accident...you were created with a purpose.

I love you so much Micah-Grace. I am honored to be called your mother.

A Hard Decision...

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 01 Apr 2015 03:08:00 +0000

Over the past few weeks our family has celebrated a lot. On Thursday, March 26th Westin and I celebrated our ten year anniversary AND finally adopted Micah-Grace! With family in town, parties and nights out I haven't even had a chance to take it all in.

This time has been bitter sweet for our family. Just over two months ago we said goodbye to our foster son. I have thought a lot about what to write regarding this. Honestly, I have avoided writing because it's such a hard subject to explain.

You may remember in my last post I wrote about the fears and struggles I was having with moving forward with adoption. As days, weeks and months past by, that feeling we shouldn't move forward with adoption didn't go away. Every time I would find a sense of peace the feeling would come again. With that being said, Westin and I made the hard decision not to move forward with adopting T. We struggled tremendously with this decision. We sought counsel from many people and felt this is the way God was leading us.

Back when we started this journey two years ago all people asked us is how will we be able give back a child. Your worst fear is loving a child for days, months even years and then having to say goodbye to them. What they don't tell you about is how hard it is when you start the road of adoption with a child and later discover it's not the right path for your family. No matter what you feel like you're making the wrong decision. On one side you know it may be the best for your family not to adopt but on the other hand you're breaking a child's heart. How do you explain to a 6 year old there is a better place for him... that he needs more than you can give him?

Today our comfort is knowing that God is good. That He is in every detail including T's life. God knows him by name and will protect him. We don't have to be his saviors because T already has a Savior and his name is Jesus.

For those of you that loved and cared for T at one point, when you think of him, please keep him in your prayers. Thank you for treating him like he was our own. We know he was touched by many.

Our family ...

Fears, struggles and doubts...

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 27 Oct 2014 20:49:00 +0000

Last month marked one year since our son joined our family. I can still remember his face when we first met him. Huge eyes and a sweet smile. On Friday morning we received news the judge assigned to Tristen's termination hearing ruled in favor of the state to legally terminate the father's parental rights. Tristen is now legally free to be adopted!

As I opened the Bible this morning the Holy Spirit led me to Psalm 77: 11-12.

"I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your wonders of old.
I will ponder all your work,
and meditate on your mighty deeds."

As I read the verses I couldn't help but think of the hardest moments, one of them being when we doubted if we should continue on the road towards adopting Tristen. I remember wondering if I was the best mom for him? Did he need a home where there was only one child in effort to give him more of the attention he desires? Did I know all the facts about the case? Did I really know this child and would I be able to meet all of his needs, especially the needs I have yet to know about? For a week I pondered question after question, analyzing every angle. We asked our Community Group to join us in praying for God to speak. I specifically said I wanted an answer from the Lord before we could move forward.

Some may not agree with me but I believe that time in my life was extremely fruitful. It was important for me to voice the thoughts in my head. Telling people I was struggling to believe in God's plan was like taking a weight off my shoulders. For so long I was putting the best face forward and denying any doubts and fears I was having. The truth is, I was doubting everything. I was doubting my whole future and God already knew that. Bringing those fears and struggles to the light took all the power away from the enemy and his attacks. Keeping everything inside kept me from seeing God and the work He was doing. But can I tell you...that's okay! The Lord is bigger than our fears. He desires to meet us where we are today. He is an ever present help (Psalm 46:1). He doesn't look down at us with disappointing eyes when we struggle to believe in Him or what He is calling us to. If you're struggling today, can I encourage you to be honest about it? Don't worry about what people will think? Some may not agree with you or wonder how you could be so honest? I wondered if people would still accept me even if I doubted Tristen being our forever child. None of those questions and fears bring life.

"Trust in him at all times, O people;

pour our your heart before him;

God is a refuge for us." Psalm 62:8

"Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:24

"Commit your ways to the Lord;

trust in him, and he will act." Psalm 37:5

After spending two weeks in prayer both as a couple and through our community group the Lord began to open my eyes. I hope you understand...He didn't send me a message in the clouds or spoke to me audibly. God did help me to see Tristen differently. He helped me see who I was/is when God chose to adopt me into His family. God didn't wait until I had it all together and was a "good" person. I still make mistakes, take advantage of people, serve my own cause and so much more but God sees past that. Only when I look at Tristen through God's eyes am I able to see clearly. He is me and I am him. We both need a Savior!

"but God showed his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

"For you have delivered my soul from death,
yes, my feet from falling,
that I may walk before God
in the light of life." Psalm 56:13

Dear friend that is still "trying"...

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 09 Sep 2014 15:54:00 +0000

Dear friend,

You are on my heart a lot. It seems daily I am reminded of the pain and hurt you must feel wondering when it will be your turn. I too have and continue to struggle with understanding God's timing and will for my life when it comes to having a child. I know what it's like to never read the words "positive" or "pregnant". The excitement of being "late" now screams disappointment and utter sadness reading the same dreadful words over and over.

Although I have never been pregnant and been thru a miscarriage I often wonder if that would be better. Would it be easier to deal with the pain if I knew that it was actually possible to get pregnant? I know, it wouldn't be easier at all and can't even begin to understand the pain you have experienced after a such loss. I don't know first hand but I feel your pain. I know your tears. I know how hard it is to be happy for yet another friend being pregnant. I know there are times you just fall to your knees crying out why. Dear friend, I feel your hurt.

It must be hard to talk about it at times. Feeling like a broken record sharing your pain again and again, wondering when is a proper time to get over it. How do you get over something that seems so impossible? You don't want pity but you do want to keep talking about it because the pain is still there.

I know sometimes you tell yourself God is punishing you. That somewhere in time you must have done something to deserve this. It is so hard to find an explanation for the pain thinking if you knew why it would make the hurt go away. Dear friend, I understand.

I know what it's like when the Enemy whispers in your ear, God doesn't care for you. That God somehow has made a mistake. He lies to you when you see a pregnant woman, receive a baby shower invitation, see a gender reveal post on Facebook, etc. Sometimes it seems like he is the only voice you hear screaming at you.
I could tell you that God has a plan and He has it all under control but I know you've heard that. Yes, that is very true indeed and at times it has encouraged you, I am sure. But I know the times these words don't mean a thing. When the pain is so real that nothing makes it "feel" better. I know you have shed many tears and may continue to do so. I can't tell you it will be all better and tomorrow you will be pregnant.
Dear friend, I will tell you one thing though. God loves you so much. You are His daughter and He delights in you. When He thinks of you He is pleased. Nothing can change the love He has for you. He knows every tear you have shed for that lost baby. He feels your pain when it's not your turn yet again. He is with you through it all and He doesn't forget. He hasn't forgotten about you sweet friend. Your pain doesn't go unnoticed by your Creator. This is not the way He wanted things to go. Sin ruined everything but He loves you! He loves you dear friend! The Creator of the world loves you!
You are in my prayers friend. I won't forget you. Even though my foster kids call me mommy I won't forget you. I pray the love of Christ surrounds you today. That His love for you would shine thru your pain. I pray you know, CHRIST LOVES YOU!

"For God so love the world, that he gave his only Son, That whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life."
John 3:16

Saying good-bye is never easy...

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 29 Aug 2014 02:15:00 +0000

On Friday, August 22, 2014 around midnight, we met a sweet four day old baby girl. We weren't given much information, just that she needed a home. Immediately we feel in love with Baby A. She only weighed a little over five pounds and we couldn't get enough of her. The family went into "new baby" mode and adjusted well. Micah-Grace and T were smitten by her. I am not even sure they were convinced it was a baby considering she was so little. With sleepless nights, formula all over and diapers everywhere we began the journey into the unknown with Baby A.

The grace and faithfulness I experienced caring for three children is indescribable. The Lord knew Baby A would be in our lives and prepared the way for her arrival but most of all, He prepared our hearts. You never really know how long a child will be placed with you in the world of foster care. Every time you say yes you must rid yourself of expectations, hopes and anything else standing in the way of just caring for that child. The foster care process has given me more trust in Jesus than I ever had before.

Tonight I received a call from the social worker telling me the judge approved for Baby A to be placed with an aunt of hers. My heart sank a little as I listened to her giving me the details of her arrival to pick up Baby A in about forty-five minutes. As I got off the phone I began to pray for Baby A's future. I prayed that God would protect her...that He would keep her safe and give her a blessed life...that her hard beginning in life wouldn't keep her from being all she could be...most of all that she would one day worship her creator...that she would know how much Christ loves her.

It's not easy saying good-bye. You look at this sweet baby and wonder what will their life be like. Will she ever know she will always have a special place in our heart? You don't forget. You pray, remembering that God called you to love every child that comes into your home. If for one day, one month, one year, one forever...just love them as Christ loved us. So that's what we will continue to do knowing that He is in control and knows all of our children by name.

"'Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.'

'Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.'"

Matthew 25:34b-36, 40b

Some things I am learning again and again...

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 15 Mar 2014 04:19:00 +0000

For a while now, I have been extremely overloaded with emotions that in the past have been unfamiliar to me. It has been a tough season getting adjusted to having two kids, one being five years old when he joined our family. This season has led me to more prayer, reading God's Word and desiring to learn more about how to parent the way God desires.

"Greatness is never the product of giftedness. Greatness is always the product of faithfulness."

Crawford Loritts from R13 Conference

I wasn't able to attend the R13 Conference that was held last November but I greatly benefited being able to watch it online. Although Pastor Crawford spoke the above in the context of church leadership, I believe it's a principle all of us learn in life, sometimes the hard way like I did. Being a great parent is not having all the right answers, having kids that always obey you, or never making mistakes. Being a great parent is a product of faithfulness and sometimes that greatness is hardly what the world thinks is great. Faithfulness is hard in the midst of trial. It is hard to have faith when you don't know if things will ever get better. I believe it's in those moments that God blesses our faithfulness. Westin and I could have given up a long time ago. You could easily justify yourself but God has called us to be faithful.

__________

"Character comes through pain."
Rick Warren from R13

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.
2 Corinthians 12:9

What has been the most rewarding in life came through pain. The foster care system is full of pain. Why would you sign up for uncertainty, poor communication, constantly being under the microscope while trying to parent and so much more? In an earlier blog post, I mentioned thinking that God gives us a la-la feeling when desiring new things such as getting married, having kids, etc. In His goodness He doesn't show us everything because if He did, we wouldn't follow Him down the hard road ahead. I think anyone that is married can testify to that. Is marriage amazing? Of course but, it's also very hard. The same goes for raising children.
The scripture in 2 Corinthians has given me so much encouragement during this tough season. The Lord is with me. He is my strength even when I have nothing else to give.
__________

"A God-centered parent, on the other hand, acts out of reverenece for God. Regardless of how my children treat me, I know that God wills that I move toward my children, to get engaged in their lives, to offer biblical correction and loving support. It doesn't matter how they respond to me as much as it matters what God has called me to do."
Sacred Parenting by Gary Thomas

"Becoming a mother is a role that most women are ill-prepared for or ill-trained to understand, yet it has such vast consequences in the course and direction of history. I have even come to believe that a mother's role might be the most determining factor as to how history will unfold."
Sarah Mae & Sally Clarkson from Desperate: Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28

A calling. It's as simple as that. When God calls you to do something, never forget it. There will be times when the calling is too hard. You will want to give up. You will feel inadequate. You will probably fail over and over. What matters most is the calling. We are called to parent, specifically foster kids. Were we ready for everything it brought? No! I believe the enemy tries to make us forget our calling every day. If he could get us to forget the God of the universe called us to something beyond our strength, the enemy rejoices. When we forget, we are most vulnerable. It is so much easier to feel sorry for yourself in the midst of disobedient children, depression, an unconsolable crying baby and many more hard situations. But God calls us to remember the calling.
__________

"...the process of parenting is one of the most spiritually formative journey a man and a woman can ever undertake."
Sacred Parenting by Gary Thomas

I need thee, O I need thee;
every hour I need thee;
O bless me now, my Savior, I come to thee
Hymn, Text by Annie S. Hawks

When you were "great" at your job you found your identity in that. I don't want you to find your identity in being a mother...find it in me.
A word God gave me when I was going thru depression.

I have never needed and desired God more then when I became a parent. I need him every hour. One night after a hard day of parenting, I went down to our basement where the wood stove was burning and just sang the three lines of the song above over and over. Those were the only words that could explain exactly how I felt. God continues to bring me to my knees in prayer showing me that it's only in Him that I have true joy. Even when I feel like I did something right as a mom that feeling of accomplishment quickly dies.
__________

"When we realize that having children isn't about us but rather about God, then the trials and sacrifices of parenting are more easily borne."
Sacred Parenting by Gary Thomas

I wish I would have fully understood this earlier. I think I missed precious moments with my kids believing the lie that kids were created for me and my happiness. When that truth became real, trials and sacrifices became easier to accept and deal with.
__________

"Parenting will lead us to confront spiritual sins that we never even knew existed."
Sacred Parenting by Gary Thomas

There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
Proverbs 12:18

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Proverbs 15:1

Be angry, and do not sin, ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent.
Psalm 4:4

I never thought I struggled with anger until I had kids. The Lord continues to show me how my anger comes out of a selfish heart. The desire to have some alone time is good but it becomes sinful when I have no more patience for my son who has now come out of his bedroom for the forth time after tucking him in for bed. You get frustrated as a parent, even angry which sometimes is ok, but what are we doing with that anger. I love the verse above, "but the tongue of the wise brings healing." We can bring healing to our kids and that's especially important in foster care. What a strong word full of encouragement.
__________

These are some of the things I have learned and will continue to learn. Some of the truths were really hard. Sometimes repentance came slow. I want to end this post with one final quote.

"We live in the midst of holy teachers. Sometimes they spit up on themselves or on us. Sometimes they throw tantrums. Sometimes they cuddle us and kiss us and love us. In the good and the bad they mold our hearts, shape our souls, and invite us to experience God in newer and deeper ways. Although we may shed many tears along this sacred journey of parenting, numerous blessings await us around every bend in the road."
Sacred Parenting by Gary Thomas

What foster parents may need...

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 08 Dec 2013 23:12:00 +0000

Many times I have been ask, how can I help? Is there anything you need? A good friend of mine suggested I write a blog post about how to help. Now, before I start, these ideas are from MY perspective. Not all foster parents will agree with me and that's ok. I hope and pray these suggestions can shed a little light into a world that is not known by many and how different it can actually be.

1. Pray.
Being a foster parent is hard for many reasons. Before you help on a practical level, pray. Pray that God would give them strength to get thru that specific day. Pray for supernatural grace for the birth parents. For peace in the midst of uncertainty...pray, pray and pray. Set yourself a reminder and pray for them once a week. Trust me, we feel your prayers.

2. Don't judge, ask questions (this one applies greatly to those foster parents that have older children in their home).
Most people only know each other on a surface level. When a foster parents opens their home to a child everything changes. Foster kids come from many different backgrounds. If you are placed with a seven year old child that has been in one, two, three different homes, how much harder will it be to teach that child your values, family dynamic and so on? You say, "Well didn't you say yes to that child?" Yes they might have, but no foster parent is ever told all the information.
Things will look different than the traditional family. You might see things your child doesn't do or you might disagree with that parenting style. Either way there is never a good time to judge. If you don't understand why that foster parent has to bear hug their child and speak softly into their ear, just ask. If you see a foster parent or a parent in general for that matter having a bad day with the kids, pull them aside and ask, can I do anything for you right now?
With this suggestion it's important to remember you don't know all the details. Before judging, stop to understand that person and their situation.

3. Bring a meal or a bag of goodies.
A good friend of mine stopped by my house and dropped off a bag full of Trader Joe's goodies. It was such a huge help. There were practical things like frozen pizzas, bananas, dipped pretzels, cereal and some other things. It doesn't have to be much. Don't over think it, just get stuff you would like. This suggestions is especially helpful when having an older child because those frozen pizzas and quick meals are amazing when you're the only one home.

4. Get approved to watch foster kids.
Many people don't realize foster kids can't be watched by just anyone. All babysitters for foster kids must be approved (background checked) by the state before watching kids. This one was a huge blessing for us when a couple in our church small group offered to be regular babysitters for our children. I can't tell you how truly grateful we are for them. If you have foster parents in your circle of friends, offer to complete the paperwork and bless them by giving them a night off once in a while.

5. Donate your kids old toys and/or clothes.
When we were placed with our five year old boy many people loved us in this way. Having age appropriate toys and clothes ready for that foster child says, we were ready for you. That child can have some ease connecting with a favorite toy instead of trying to understand why he or she is in a strangers home.

6. Stop by.
I know this may not work for everyone but if you have their cell number, send them a text and see if they are available for a friend visit. For me this is especially amazing because my husband works odd hours so when most people are at home with the family he is at work. The more kids you have in the house the harder it is to get out. Sometimes it's easier if a friend just stops by to say hello and give that parent some adult time.

7. Throw a baby/child shower.
When a woman announces to her family and friends she is pregnant there is joy, expectation and excitement. Baby showers, registries and all kinds of things are planned anticipating the baby's arrival. As a foster parent these things don't tend to happen. Many times placements are same day with little time to plan for a child coming into your home.
Just before we received our foster license, two dear friends of mine planned a baby shower for me. Many people didn't understand and had questions as to why they were throwing a shower for me. Well to my shock we were licensed that Monday after the shower and received our first placement, a nine day old baby girl that following day. We received a couple of gift cards and I thought to buy a convertible car seat so we could be prepared, just in case. Practically that shower was a huge blessing because we were much more prepared when our baby came. Whether a foster family is waiting, has a child placed with them or gets more children, consider loving them in this way.

8. Don't forget about them.
I think it's easy to be super excited about foster parents being placed with their first child, especially if it's a little newborn baby. Over time though, people forget. Remember that every time a foster parent is placed with a child it can be a time to celebrate. Support them with your words, simple acts of service and prayer.

Teaching us what Love really is...

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 30 Sep 2013 03:53:00 +0000

On Tuesday, September 24th we picked up our third foster care placement, a five year old boy needing a long term home. Westin and I had been praying about the Lord opening doors for us to have another child in our home, specifically an "older" foster child. As we looked into several different children needing a home, I received an email about a five year old boy needing a permanent home the Sunday before picking him up. I didn't think anything of it because I get many emails about kids needing a home daily.

That next day (Monday) I got another email about this boy still needing a home. In my excitement I replied and asked for more information. Mind you, Westin didn't know anything about it because he was sleeping from working overnight. As I got to know more about this little guy I knew we could and should take this child. There was no good reason not to, except maybe the fact that I didn't really know what I was getting into. Sometimes I think God keeps us in la la land because if we did actually think about what we are doing we might not take the leap of faith.

We arrived at the foster home and saw a boy sitting on the couch wondering who we were and why we were taking him to another home yet again. (Don't worry, Westin was on board with taking in this little guy). After convincing him to get in our car we headed back to West Seattle excited to take him to get some ice cream. As I sat in the car the thoughts started pouring into my brain...and then I started crying. The reality of what had just happened finally hit and I was second guessing everything!

It was a hard first night trying to convince a five year old that being in a stranger's home is actually ok. Trying to convince him that we want the best for him. Trying to teach him that yelling, hitting and throwing screwdrivers at people is not really a proper way of acting. It was rough! Finally around 11:30PM our new little boy feel asleep on the couch with Westin while attempting to watch TV, which was the only thing we could get him to do other than the latter. He slept until noon!

I didn't sleep much that night. All I could think about is how I can get rid of this boy. I want to be honest and say that was my heart. After promising that I wouldn't give up on him before he came, that night all I could do is think about ways we could send him back. I was devastated at the decision we made to take him in. What was I going to do when my new little boy threw a tantrum at church? Or in the store? How would I explain that my perfect little family no longer existed (which it never did anyway)? How did I get this kid after getting an angel the first time around? All of these things were going on in my head. My heart was anxious and I felt like throwing up all night.

That next morning I was scheduled to attend and help lead at our Women's Bible Study where we were studying the Ten Commandments, specifically "You shall not make idols" Exodus 20:4-6.

I wondered how I would teach about a text in scripture that really didn't apply to me. Yes, I actually thought the text didn't apply to me. As we began to read the scripture that was given along with the commandment, Exodus 32:1-14, God started speaking.

"Dorina, you are acting just like the Israelites! Here you are trying to find anything to put your trust in. You are worried about what people think if he's not perfect. If he acts out. If he isn't what you expected but he is not the problem. Haven't I been there for you from the very beginning? Have you forgotten how I blessed you beyond your imagination with you first child? I am teaching you that reliance on me is the only sure thing. Even if he is a "good" child, that still won't satisfy you. I am the only one that can bring you hope, peace and joy. Know that being my daughter is enough."

Here I was, making all kinds of little idols. The idol of perfection, idol of performance, idol of appearance and so on. I was heartbroken over my sin and how I could forget all that God had done for us. He was always faithful and He would continue to be with this placement also. I prayed for much forgiveness and a new perspective on the gift God had given us. We were called to love and serve this child and with God's help we were going to do so.

So here we are on our sixth day with our new little guy. Today was a HUGE day...our little man didn't visit time-out all day. He is listening quicker, making better choices, not hitting us (for now at least) but most of all we can actually see he is starting to trust us. Our days are full of prayers, crying out to God asking for Him to continue giving us supernatural love, strength and grace. The Lord is so good and He is the only one that gets the glory. Only with God's love and grace can a little boy meet complete strangers on a Tuesday and by Sunday be a totally different boy. We are so excited to see what the Lord does in this little man's life. We go into these things thinking we will change kids lives which we probably do to some extent, but really it's the kids that change us. He is teaching us what love really is.

Thank you for your prayers. Above all, that is what we need most.

Second placement in the midst of uncertainty...

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 27 May 2013 20:31:00 +0000

Last Thursday afternoon we welcomed little Amanda into our little family. She is a temporary placement until the courts figure out the next steps but in our eyes she has a place in our family forever.

How did this happen...

A couple of days before receiving an email about Amanda I sent an email to Micah Grace's social worker asking for updates on her mother and what to expect at our next hearing. To my surprise I read her reply stating that her mother wants to see Micah Grace. This is were foster care gets difficult. Nothing is ever certain. One minute a mom can say she wants her baby adopted and the next visitations.

When I read and re-read the email, tears pouring down my face my heart ached with uncertainty imaging life without Micah Grace. I told Westin the update and then we prayed. We have nothing else but certainty in Christ. He called us into this journey and he promised He would supply all of our needs.

We finished praying and I went into the baby room weeping trying to hear something, anything from the Lord. I picked up my devotional and read the following:

I, the Creator of the universe, am with you and for with you. What more could you need? When you feel some lack, it is because you are not connecting with Me at a deep level. I offer abundant Life; your part is to trust Me, refusing to worry about anything.

It is not so much adverse events that make you anxious as it is your thoughts about those events. Your mind engages in efforts to take control of a situation, to bring about the result you desire. Your thoughts close in on the problem like ravenous wolves. Determined to make things go your way, you forget I am in charge of your life. The only remedy is to switch your focus from the problem to My Presence. Stop all your striving, and watch to see what I will do. I am the Lord!

Below are the two verses the book gives as part of the devotion.

"What the shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?"
Romans 8: 31-32

"But as for me, I will look to the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me."
Micah 7:7 (yes, not by chance the verse was from the book of Micah)

It was very clear what God was calling me to do...what He's called me to thru this whole process; trust in Him. In the days that followed God continued to speak the same words to me. "Don't worry Dorina, I am for you, not against you. I know what I am doing. Trust in me and when you feel like analyzing the details, look to me even more."

So this brings me back to Amanda. I truly believe she is directly from the Lord. There is no time to think about the details regarding Micah Grace. There are too many things to take care of with a 4 month old and brand new 6 days old baby. Jesus keeps giving us strength during this uncertain time. We don't know what will happen but I have to trust that if Micah Grace is returned to her mother, it's what God desires AND that He will get us through it.

For now we are going to love these two little girls. They are a gift from the Lord. Please continue to keep us in your prayers as we continue to trust and follow Jesus.

Three months and counting...

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 23 Apr 2013 03:01:00 +0000

How do I even begin to explain the last three months? This is very hard to do so I will just tell you some things I have learned along the way but before that, let me tell you where we are in the foster care process.

Last month Westin and I went to court to represent our little Micah Grace. We don't have a say in anything but we go to the court hearings because we care deeply for this little girl. We want to advocate for her. The hearing is called a "Fact-Finding Hearing" where it is determined whether the child should be declared a dependent of the state and/or give evidence to the court. I was very nervous. I am not really sure why this particular hearing was so nerve racking for me. Maybe it was the thought of someone coming in and telling us, "Sorry, we don't need you anymore. Say goodbye and give us the child." I know, it's a little extreme but a lot of things were going on in my head.

As we waited for Micah Grace's case to be called, I quietly prayed that God would give me peace in the midst of the hustle and bustle of lawyers, social workers, parents and/or advocates. When her name was called we stepped into the courtroom and was escorted to the back to listen to the proceedings. The state lawyer presented a case stating the mother requested her child to be adopted and the alleged father wasn't in the picture and/or returning correspondence. He then requested for Baby Girl (Micah Grace's legal name) to be changed in order to receive a proper birth certificate and social security card. He also requested for final publication to be published. This is something that is required for all kids that have an unknown father or mother. It's an ad that is placed in the classified section of the newspaper stating the baby's specific birth information. It's a little weird but it is the final step the state makes in order to find biological parents. Both of these requests were approved by the judge which was a huge blessing. The judge proceeded to ask the lawyer why he isn't requesting to expedite the case and then scheduled another hearing for June 3rd. We were pretty shocked the judge even cared about moving forward with Micah Grace's case at such a rapid pace. Either way nothing could have been done then because the lawyer wasn't prepared with the correct paperwork to expedite the case.

So here we are...waiting. Many have asked me how I can keep waiting for another couple of months. This whole process has been about waiting on the Lord, so waiting some more doesn't really bother me. We know that Micah Grace will always be our daughter no matter what. We don't need a judge to make it so. She has captured our hearts forever. Her story is a miracle. She is with us because God wrote this before the beginning of time. Every decision that was and has been made regarding her life has been infused with God's love and faithfulness. There is a reason her mother didn't abort this little girl. I thank God always for giving her mother the strength to give birth to this little miracle baby.

We are blessed.

Some things I have learned...

1. No book will ever be able to tell me what's best for my little girl...only she can show me that.

2. If the baby sleeps in my arms for another two/three hours it won't affect her sleeping habits for life.

3. Don't lose the pacifier before going to the doctor's appointment. Always have at least two in the diaper bag for emergency purposes.

4. If the floors don't get cleaned for another 1, 2, 3, 4, etc. days, don't sweat it. It's just the floor. She is more important.

5. Becoming a parent is a hard adjustment. Give a lot of grace.

6. Get out of the house and go for walks a lot. It's good for the body and the soul.

7. Don't feel guilty when you finally sat down to read your Bible and the baby starts crying. God can speak even through one or two verses.

8. If she wants to sleep in the bouncy seat, great. At least she is sleeping.

9. No mother has it all together and if they look like they do they are putting on a good front.

10. People helping does not say you are a bad parent.

Baby Shower

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 19 Mar 2013 21:36:00 +0000

The weekend before Micah Grace arrived, my dear friends Mindy and Jen (with Erica's creative designs) hosted a baby shower for me. It was an amazing day full of yummy desserts, friends and many prayers for the future.

Here are the wonderful decorations done by Erica. She was super loving to make my house look so great. Many of the wonderful friends that attended brought the desserts. So thankful for them.

One of the more special parts of the shower was when people were given an opportunity to write out prayers for our future family. These are prayers that we will share with our foster kids throughout the years.

These aren't all the prayers written out but you get the idea. It's amazing to go back and read them all.

Thank you to everyone that came and helped us prepare. It was pretty amazing considering Micah Grace arrived three days later. I don't think we could have been more prepared.

Here are some more pictures...

Lucy - one of my favorite people. Her kids are like my own :)

The Garvey couple...so cute!

Alecia and Nor. I wish you could have seen her little prayer card. Amazing!

Mindy and Jen, honestly, the best friends of all time.

My dear friend Rami. She helped change my life just a few years ago.

Debbie and Erika, mother daughter. Love those two!

Erica, design extraordinaire. So thankful for all her sacrifice to make the shower so beautiful.

Our first week...

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 06 Feb 2013 06:05:00 +0000

What a week!? God is so good. I can't believe last Tuesday we met our little girl for the first time. Can you love someone so much only knowing them for seven days?

Micah Grace has been the perfect first baby. I mean it's hard for me not to say that because she really has been perfect. Her first couple of days I think she would have slept through the night if we didn't wake her up to eat. Speaking of eating...she eats great. It's been a week of doctor's appointments, hearing tests, cuddling, reading books and all kinds of firsts for the Goetz family.

In the midst of all the happiness and joy it's only natural to ask if Micah Grace will be our forever child. The questions and fears are ever present during this time. You try not to entertain them but if you're honest with yourself, you know there is fear. So what do we do with the fear? What do you do when you love this child so much and want to keep her forever? Well for us, we go to the Father.

Every morning after changing feeding and changing Micah Grace, I read to her from our Jesus Calling book by Sarah Young. Here is what we read this morning:

"Seek my face, and you will find not only My Presence but also My Peace. To receive My Peace, you must change your grasping, controlling stance to one of openness and trust. The only thing you can grasp without damaging your soul is My hand. Ask My Spirit within you to order your day and control your thoughts, for the mind controlled by the Spirit is Life and Peace.

You can have as much of Me and My Peace as your want, through thousands of correct choices each day. The most persistent choice you face is whether to trust Me or to worry. You will never run out of things to worry about, but you can choose to trust Me no matter what. I am an ever-present help in trouble. Trust Me, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the hear of the sea."

What encouraging words. My only hope can be in Christ. Nothing else can give me peace. The truth is, even if Micah Grace doesn't stay with us, God is still good...really good. He knows her by name. He knows everything about her and has her in His hands. It is so comforting to know that God doesn't make mistakes. Nothing takes him by surprise. He is shaping and molding both Westin and I to put our trust and hope in Him, no matter what. We are so honored that He chose us to love this beautiful little girl. Every time we look at her we see how much God loves us. We couldn't ask for anything more.

Thank you for your continued thoughts, support and most importantly your prayers. Both Westin and I are humbled by your love and generosity.

"God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the
earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of
the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their
surging." - Psalm 46:1-3

Micah Grace's arrival...

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 01 Feb 2013 01:08:00 +0000

I am sitting in Micah Grace's room trying to figure out how I am going to put into words her amazing arrival. The last 24hrs have been full of God's grace and love towards us.

On Monday, January 28th Westin and I received the email we had been approved and licensed foster parents. We were overjoyed the process was finally over and ready to receive a child down the road. It's funny saying that now :) We've never really had any expectations, just that we wanted to bless kids.

Well God apparently has a sense of humor and had us on the fast track to being parents. While I was working at the church I received a call that was listed unknown. Well in the past I would not have answered but I was told by a dear friend I couldn't do that anymore because all social workers have their number blocked. You can imagine my heart dropping when I saw the caller listed as unknown. I answered very calm even thought I was freaking out inside. I wanted to sound like I was normal. On the other end a social worker (un-named for privacy) introduced herself and told me that she was reading over our home study and proceeded to tell me she was on her way to pick up a 9 day old baby girl. She then said, "How do you feel about being a mommy?" At this point I am having a little trouble breathing and evening processing my thoughts so I say, "Ok!" Micah's social worker continued by telling me that she was named Baby Girl because sadly mom didn't want to see or name her. The biological mom specifically requested Baby Girl to be adopted. Once again, I am still having trouble breathing and even comprehending what the social worker is saying because all I can focus on is the fact that we are even going to get a 9 DAY OLD BABY GIRL. She finishes by telling me that nothing is final because the state legally has to search for the father and give him an opportunity to claim his child. I say I understand and would still like to take the baby into care while the state works on those particulars. Well before hanging up she tells me she is going to be at my house in about two hours and asks me if I am ready. I say, "Well if I am not I have a TON of people in my community that can help me out."

After hanging up I started to freak out thinking of all the things I still needed. One of the pastors and staff members at our church prayed over me and then I shouted to one of my intern co-worker, "Come on, we need to go to the store!" I am so glad Kathie was there because her calmness was a lifesaver! Running through the store to get bottles, some clothes (she didn't come with anything), socks, and all kinds of stuff Kathie knew I needed was pretty funny. She was laughing at me the whole time.

We got home and started getting everything ready for Baby Girl's arrival. Oh by the way, before going to the store, I called Westin :) The social worker was good to remind me to call him. His boss let him go so he was able to meet us at the store. As we waited for her arrival I can't even tell you the emotions I had. I think my face was hurting because I had a constant smile on my face.

And then the door bell rang...

WOW, she was so tinny and beautiful. All I wanted to do is get her out the car seat and hold her but I didn't want to seem overly excited. Sometimes that freaks people out because my excitement can be a little overwhelming. The social worker pulled out a bunch of paperwork, told us a lot of information and FINALLY asked, "Well, who wants to take her?" I of course didn't say anything but Westin pointed to me. He knew how excited I was.

After they left we were in shock. We discussed what to name her and shared equal hesitation with naming her "our" girl name we have always thought we would name our first girl. In the end we know that whether she says with us or goes to another family, she will be blessed with a beautiful name that will always be from us.

So here we are...she is 11 days now and we couldn't be more in love with her. She is sleeping through the night, eating great and we are getting to know each other. We don't know how long we will have her. The state is pushing for adopting but nothing is final until the judge says so. There have been so many evidences of God's grace. Although Micah tested positive for two types of drugs, she shows no signs of withdrawal or effects from the drugs. We have seen nothing but grace and favor from the Lord with the timing of her arrival to how gracious Micah is to us as new parents. We are so blessed.

Today was especially lovely for Micah and I. While putting her to sleep after feeding I started to read to her the book "God Found Us You." The book is about a Little Fox asking his mom about the day he came into the family. Mama proceeds to tell the Little Fox about how she prayed for him and how she waited and waited for his arrival. She tells him about how she knew God would one day bring him to her. With tears in my eyes I am reading the book to Micah Grace thinking how I have prayed and waited for God to bring her to us. She is here now and we cannot be more thankful for her little life. Praying for God's glory to shine bright through this miracle baby, Micah Grace.

Thank you for your continued prayers and support.

Starting a new chapter...

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 01 Jan 2013 03:17:00 +0000

It's been about three years since we started this journey toward having a family. I was thinking about this time last year, Westin and I were trying the IUI procedure one last time to see if we could get pregnant. The procedure didn't work so we started praying and thinking of other options.

For the last year God has been molding and shaping us. We have learned so much about adoption and what God is calling us to.

When we started researching about adoption, we quickly discovered how expensive it was to adopt. The more I learned about adoption the more I didn't want to go through with it. We felt especially convicted about paying so much for a child. While attending several informational sessions, I was shocked to learn that adopting a white child is extremely more expensive than any other race. This information grieved us both.

A couple of people from our church mentioned they went through Antioch Adoption (http://www.antiochadoptions.org/) when adopting their children. They also told us about the foster to adopt program. We attended the informational session at Antioch Bible Church and learned even more about adoption and specifically about the Washington state foster care system. Being from Romania where foster care doesn't exists, I was unfamiliar with the concept. Here is more information about it: http://www.dshs.wa.gov/ca/fosterparents/index.asp. Westin and I both agreed this is what God was calling us to. Our desire has always been to love kids so what better way to do that than the kids that don't have a home right here in our state.

This began a year long process of training, applications, home studies and much more. Originally going into it, we both said we would go with the Foster to Adopt program only. After finishing one of the longest required training, P.R.I.D.E, the Lord really convicted both Westin and I. We asked each other if we felt wrong about saying no to kids that only needed a temporary home. Should it matter to us if the child was adoptable or not? God was showing us our heart's desire was for comfort and control. Deep inside we still wanted to control the situation. We were placing our hope in that child's percentage of being adopted. It would be easier for us if we didn't have to give the child back.

Well, God didn't want that for us. He began to show us how to look at this from His perspective. God was showing us that we all need a Savior and someone to love us, even the parents that make mistakes and get their child taken away by the state. I can't tell you how much the Lord has softened my heart towards the mothers and fathers that have kids in foster care. God was calling us to love not only the children that would be in our house but also the parents.

Since then we have been praying for all the children that will be in our home. Whether we will be able to adopt them or give them back to their parents, we know that God has a plan. We can trust the child or children that stay in our home forever, are those that He has planned for us. Our ministry is to love kids and the brokenhearted. If we were parents and made mistakes, we would want a chance to get our children back. We are all broken and a sinful people that needed a second chance and that's what Jesus did for us.

Through God's grace, Westin and I are at the end of the process awaiting our foster license. There are a couple things out of our control but our hope is to have a placement in 2013.

If you are following our story, thank you. We are so honored to be part of God's bigger and better plan for our lives. Westin and I ask for your prayers more than anything. Our desire is that God would be made much of through our story.

When the Lord speaks...

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 01:16:00 +0000

As many of you already know today was a little nerve-racking (is that how you even spell that). I had a little break-down last night thinking of all the possibilities after this procedure. I was conflicted whether to feel joy and excitement or not to get my hopes up. My mind kept thinking of all the things that could go wrong. I felt very attacked by the enemy and in that next moment I heard the Holy Spirit say, "Many things may be against you but God is for you." I can't tell you how much peace those words brought me. It was such perfect timing. I shouldn't be surprised because that's just how God is. I was so blessed.

Something else I was really struggling with is whether I share this part of our story. When I wrote on my blog yesterday I didn't share it on Facebook at first. I had so much fear that if people knew our story they would be disappointed if something didn't work out. Like somehow I was in charge of fulfilling this huge task of making a baby. Once again in God's perfect timing He showed up. The Holy Spirit convicted me on my lack of trust in the Lord. Who was I not to share our story and withhold what God is doing in our lives? Moreover, if something "wrong" did happen why would I not let people walk us through that. God has given us community to share in our joys, trials, hurts, and so much more.

Later that night I posted our blog on Facebook. I was so blessed to read your comments. I felt God quietly whispering, "I love you and I want you to walk a life of transparency." Friends like you are sharing in our journey and I couldn't be more thankful for the most important thing you've done, pray. The Lord is good no matter what happens.

So here I am, walking in transparency. I am anxious about the results. I wonder if there is a little life growing inside my tummy. I cried this morning when friends lifted me up in prayer. I struggle with faith and so much more. I don't have it together. What I do have is the promise that God is faithful.

Thank you for your prayers. I am so grateful for you.

Praying for life...

A New Season

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 02:56:00 +0000

As always, it's been a long time since I last wrote on my blog. Life seems to get the best of me and I become more and more busy. This fall I had the pleasure of starting my lifetime dream of learning American Sign Language (ASL). I will be completing my fall semester this week which I am thrilled about. Through this new dream I have met some amazing people. God has truly blessed me with new friends that I completely treasure.

Because this blog is about our pregnancy journey, I probably should update that part of our lives. Last week, Westin and I started seeing an infertility specialist. It was a world-wind process because in about four days we were able to schedule our first artificial insemination procedure. So, here we are scheduled for artificial insemination tomorrow. I am extremely nervous. We have earnestly prayed for doors to open regarding having a baby and now that this procedure is tomorrow I am having trouble taking it all in.

We are praying for a miracle baby...

When a good thing becomes something else.

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 26 Aug 2011 21:26:00 +0000

It has been a tough season. There have been many joys in the middle but overall this season of life has been hard. It goes without saying how difficult having a family is. The roller coaster of waiting is indescribable. It seems like with every joy there is a time of grief being reminded every month you are not a mother.

With that said, God has blessed me. I am so thankful God puts people in our lives to give us prospective. This week I had the pleasure of spending time with a friend that God recently brought in my life. She spoke so much truth. Most of this process has been looking at myself and almost feeling sorry that I am not getting what I want. With love and grace she spoke into that. What does it look like to want something so beautiful but not make it an idol? That question has been on my mind ever since we met. God has really convicted me on my attitude(s) towards Him. Who am I to tell God to give me something in my own timing? What right do I have to dictate God's hand over my life?

Earlier this year Pastor Mark spoke on idolatry in which he stated, "An idol is a good thing that becomes a god thing." He also said, "Idols give us identity." How quickly that happens when you're looking only at your own desires and "needs." In a split second our good desires can consume our lives.

I can't imagine what road I would be traveling if God didn't put someone in my life to speak truth. Does that make things easier? No, but it sure puts things in prospective. My treasure has to be in Jesus and him alone. It is my heart that has to change and only Christ has the power to do that. So that is my prayer, that God would change my heart to desire what He wants for my life. I want God's promises not the promises that are never fulfilled by our idols.

Waiting on the Lord

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 28 Jul 2011 02:52:00 +0000

I know, it's been a while since I last wrote. There have been a lot of changes in our lives. Westin and I are still walking the journey of one day becoming parents. The challenges are hard. I can't lie and tell you that I don't struggle with the thoughts of never having a baby. The Enemy tries very hard to sneak lies into our thoughts.

Throughout this journey God has always confirmed that we will have a family, in fact, a big family. It's crazy, but there is no doubt in my mind that we will be parents. That promise and assurance from the Lord is enough for me to stand on.

A good friend of mine asked me a question that really put it in perspective for me once again. She said (paraphrasing), "Dorina, how do you deal with wanting something so bad and not getting it from the Lord?" As I began to answer her question God reminded me where we have been and how much He has brought us through.

You see, there was a time that I didn't want kids at all. The world had convinced me that I was going to be a career woman and find my joy in power, success, and being on top. It wasn't long before God turned my world upside down. In the last couple of months God has drastically change my views on marriage, family and where I find real joy. If God had given us a child when I didn't want one, I don't think I would have made it. I am so thankful that God has the ultimate plan and doesn't do everything we ask Him to do on our time.

So what now? I am enjoying the simple things in life. I love being home when Westin comes home from work. I am learning how to cook, really cook. I am loving my new puppy, Buster. He has been such a joy to have around the house. Really, I am learning and enjoying waiting on the Lord. God is good and He will provide.

Children's Ministry changed my Heart

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 22 Feb 2011 21:33:00 +0000

Over the past couple of months I've had the privilege of working at Mars Hill Church in the Children's Ministry department as the 9AM Service Lead. When I was asked by a Pastor to consider taking a position in Children's Ministry, I immediately responded no, knowing it would be very difficult for me to serve with children due to the difficulty Westin and I have had trying to conceive a child of our own. God spoke through leadership, telling me this was exactly where He wanted me to serve. God wanted to teach me to trust Him right in the midst of the pain and heartache of infertility.

When I began to serve I saw God's goodness and faithfulness immediately. I thought He was bringing me to serve in a place that would teach me patience, but His work has been much more than that.

Weekly God has broken me of my self-sufficiency. No matter how many times I plan and organize a smooth service of volunteers and leaders, God has allowed mess to happen. In the mess God quietly whispers, "Dorina, I am in control and I will see things through for my glory." That's just what He has done.

God has shown me so many miracles through Children's Ministry. I have met children from all walks of life. Some that now God and others that have never met the Savior. Parents have hugged me in thankfulness for a simple phone call of clarification. God has brought volunteers that heard the Holy Spirit calling them to serve kids that would have never done so in the past. Ever Sunday I get to feel little arms around me excited to see me and be at church. I will never be able to put into words the joy that I feel when a child's face lights up as they walk into church and run to hug me.

Today, God has truly change my heart. I no longer see serving in Children's Ministry as something hard to do. Even though Westin and I don't have a child of our own, we are honored to call many children ours for a couple of hours on Sundays. I realize now that God didn't put me in this job because I am organized and can lead people. He put me here to change my heart. You see, serving in the church is a gift. I pray the Holy Spirit would speak clearly to others to take the leap of faith to start serving somewhere. I know that I would not trade the joy God has given me these last few months.

I am humbled that God would choose me, a broken sinner to be part of His amazing plan.

http://westseattle.marshillchurch.org/cm/

The Cross

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 05 Feb 2011 00:01:00 +0000

This year I committed to reading the Bible completely. As you may know, usually you read some verses from Psalms about Wisdom, the Pentateuch for History, Chronicles/Prophets and the Gospels and Epistles. Today I read Luke 23, Jesus' death. I sat and imagined the horror and glory of that day. To get an even more detailed picture I watched the scene from The Passion of the Christ movie. I do that because I want to get a good picture in my head of the pain Jesus endured on the cross for me. I picture his blood dripping down his face while carrying all of our sin(s). Why would He love me so much to take all of my sin and give me all of His righteousness in exchange?

It's a beautiful picture, isn't it? I am convinced no one would go back after experiencing God's love and goodness. I have experienced that love and goodness because I have seen the depth of my sin(s). Most would say exposing sin is too hard and you need to hide it, not deal with it. Counselors teach us how to forget and move on from the pain. I have learned it's the exact opposite. It's in the pain and the hard truth that God is revealed. When we are living a life of repentance God's goodness shines. He didn't die for me when and because I was "good." He died because someone had to pay my random. Someone had to pay for all the sins of the world, including mine. As I continue to live a life seeking God I am convicted more and more of my sin. You can't be close to God and not see your sin. He is just too perfect! I am encouraged because as long as I see my sin, I see God's goodness.

"For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life." Romans 5:10