GOG & MAGOG

More Legal Entanglements and Litigations Pending

2012-02-12T17:25:00.000-08:00

After I had only slightly recovered from the previous adventures with my lawyer, he called me early the next morning.

Dizzy and still smarting from my surgery, I made my way downtown to the shmate district and the legal offices of my attorney, "Double-Double" Medjuck once again. My wound, and the many staples and sutures holding it together, ached, and was still so raw I could not but even gingerly touch the side of my head.

My Aching Head

When I arrived, my attorney was there, joined by his brother; the doctor, both seated on the far side, behind a giant oak desk. There was no time to waste getting right down to business. We were going to bring about litigation! This was a crime so heinous that it had incredible legal ramifications, would set new legal precedent and go down throughout history, in the annals of litigation, here, to for, now, and forever afterwards.

As my lawyer spoke, his brother, the good doctor, sat motionless and silent by his side, hands folded and eyes lowered. My legal council went on, "There can be no question, we must sue!" He brought his fist down to the table only to stop just short of touching it, "But..." he pauses..."Litigation, is expensive." He sort of shrugs his shoulders and looks back at his brother, the doctor.

Legal & Medical Representation

I'm confuse. My head's killing me. Like really, there's something seriously wrong with my melon, this hack doctor has opened up my brains and rattled them for good, we should totally sue (or "bring about litigation" to quote Medjuck) but even in my state of diminished acuity, I still can't help thinking..." Is it really such a good idea to have the person you plan on bringing suit against sit in with you on your consultation?" I look at the doctor and he has been staring at me the whole time. He's looking right through me, in fact, near boiling with rage.

"ENOUGH!" he explodes, interrupting the attorney and pounding his mighty fist into the furniture, shaking the entire building. "Enough of this insignificance! Puny details! Trivialities! Just get to the heart of the matter, man!
Tell him!" fanning his hands at me and looking disgusted.

The Doctor Takes the Floor

Medjuck, ever the professional, picks up as though on queue, and slithers right into mode, "As I was stating, litigation is a costly process, and for this we need capital. Funds, monies, currency, and/or any assets or luxury items you may posses at this time and could be easily converted into cash." He's smiling at me now. "I suppose you have insurance coverage? A policy you could cash in?" He's talking very sweetly to me now, licking his lips, "Maybe you could take out a mortgage on your house? Or a second mortgage? Possibly a third?"
"You see," he continues, almost graven with seriousness, "We simply cannot let the university get away with this appalling miscarriage of justice..."

Hallowed Halls of Learning

Again the doctor gets excited and cuts in abruptly, "They LAUGHED at me at the Sorbonne! RIDICULED me in Vienna! They Scoffed at my theories at University Heidelberg! I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT! They must pay! THEY WILL PAY!"

Don't Think You Won't Pay!

This doctor has really got issues, he's making me kind of uncomfortable, and what on earth does the university have to do with anything? He's looking at me in a very strange way. He extends his hand towards me and looks over at his brother, and legal council. "We shall bring thee specimen to the university and show it to them!" He's pointing at me like I'm a rat in a cage. "Here is the proof of my genius, we take him and bring litigation against the university for the defamation they perpetrated against my peerless reputation. When we present the specimen (again, pointing at me) of my neuro-surgical artistry, they will crumble at my feet and grovel as I ascend to my throne of honor and immortality where I rightfully belong."

An Impassioned Speech

All three of us are silent for a few moments, it really was a pretty impassioned speech, and my attorney, Medjuck is staring into the middle-distance, cribbing mental notes for later. Then, just as quickly, he's right back to the pressing matters at hand; funding. He's got papers already drawn up and contracts ready for me to sign. It's no bother at all, really, and I should be honored to be part of such an historic legal proceeding, so I hand over the keys to my mortgage, sign over my insurance coverage to the doctor, and enjoy the luxury of the rarefied air that surrounds such titans of their respective industries. And enjoy it while I could, I did, because all too soon, I was being hastily shown the exit, my attorney growling into my ear as he strong-armed me towards the door, "Make sure you show up to the university tomorrow at 8 am, sharp, if you know what's good for you." and just as I was about to ask him if I should wear a suit and tie, he slammed the door in my face, our meeting over. From behind the closed door, I could hear the lock bolting shut, then laughter, so obviously, things were going pretty well with my legal/medical team on the home front, so I tried to remember my way home, and hobbled with confidence and (what's left) of my mind put at ease, Lady Justice herself as my guide.

My Mind at Ease

"A truly wealthy man has both a doctor on call and an attorney on retainer" - Quote; Unknown.

FULL COVERAGE of my MEDICAL EMERGENCY

2012-02-03T23:26:00.000-08:00

I got a call, the other day, from the Front Desk of my Attorney, "Double-Double" Medjuck. His secretary had phoned to inform me that I was to waste no time in getting myself immediately to the offices of his employer's Law Practice downtown, post-haste, and without delay, as it was a matter of great urgency and time-sensative importance, and also, was of such a "delicate" nature that neither could he discuss it over the phone.

Reception Desk

Frankly I was a little worried. I've done so many ridiculous things I tried to remember which of my escapades could have resulted in litigation pending towards me? There's quite a checklist, personal injuries, destruction of property, criminal endangerment, recklessness. That's just the stuff I can remember, usually, I black out and god knows what I get up to then, anyways I'm right out the door and down the office of my Lawyer. He can sort me out.

I get to the building, with his suite of well-appointed offices situated atop an ambulance dispatch service (all drivers give out his cards) and I hurry up the fire-escape which "doubles" as an entrance (my pun) In the reception area, his secretary, who was reading a well-thumbed Michael Moorcock novel, looks up at me like he doesn't know why I'm here, or what I'm doing there.
"I'm here," I announce,"I got here as fast as I could, what's the deal? Where's Doubles?" I'm out of breath and all excited.
Secretary-boy is nonplussed. "He's not here. I don't know when he's coming back" Then he looks kinda disappointed at what has to come next. "You can have a seat over there and wait for him" he waves his paperback wetly at the stackable chair over in the corner, and turns his back to ignore me, looking at his computer screen for a second, scratching at a zit on his earlobe briefly, then shuffling the mouser around pointlessly for 3.2 seconds until finally resuming reading his much more engrossing book.

"an engrossing read"

I sat there for a while tapping my feet in time to the failing florescents and looking around the dingy office. I slowly took my time, when reading the one magazine he had on hand, a copy of the International Brotherhood of Dry Cleaning Employees Newsletter,and biding my time, I savored every article and photoplay, reading through every classified, studying the front and back covers: both, intently, whieghing the complete article in my hands, and eventually, ultimately, viewing it from all angles, before tossing it, and settling in to just sit there impatiently-like with arms folded and huff and wheeze loudly, staring at the back of the secretary-guy's head.

Something in his book made him laugh a bit and I laughed too, a fake laugh, because I had no idea what he was reading. He turned around and looked at me, meaning that I should "shut up"

An Hour, and forty-five minutes later, the door to my lawyers private office opens. He ignores me and addresses his secretary only, all business; "Send him in, I'll see him now."

Inside Medjuck is in a serious mood, as my attorney he must inform me that I have problems. The problem I have is that his revenues are down, and as my legal council it is his duty to inform me that something must be done to remedy this situation or there will be dire legal ramifications for us all, but mostly me. Then I would be on my own, he informs. I'm not an expert in legalese but this sounds bad, I'm confused and I don't know what to do, but fortunately my Lawyer is the best in the business and he has a solution readily at hand.

"I want you to pay a visit to this doctor" he says, writing down a name and address. "He works very close with my organization, and is the tops in his field. I want you to do exactly as he tells you. But I'll warn you, he's eccentric. A brilliant doctor, but not really my type of person..." at this his voice drops off sourly, and as he hands me the paper, he grimly adds "even though ... he is ... my brother..." and with this he looks away in disgust, verklempt, and bidding me to exit his sanctum with pained, curt, flicks of his hand.

So I high-tail it across town to the offices of one Kleinholz Medjuck, Doctor of Neurosurgery, the mysterious brother who I've only now just learned the existence of. Its on a fancy street, with stone mansions, so he's obviously done pretty well for himself, and if I hadn't been so comforted by the sheer wealth of the surroundings, and reassured in the trust of my impeccable legal council, I might have been a little put off by the good doctor's appearance at first.

der gute Doktor

He had an unfortunate and pronounced nervous tick, seizing up in a full body spasm every 30 seconds or so. Also whenever he had to read something he held the paper right up to his face about 2 millimeters from his eyeballs. Despite these cosmetic drawbacks, his bedside manner quickly put me at ease. He told me a long rambling story about "The War" and his devotion to Science, and frankly it was all a little difficult to understand, but relaxing and soothing enough and this MD seemed like a real class act so I agreed then and there and more-or-less consented, when he proposed, triumphantly, that surgery, immediate surgery was to be the call of the day. Before I knew it he leaped on me with his syringe and that's the last thing I remember.

I guess I'm OK, I don't feel any worse for wear, having just had major surgery and all, but for some strange reason, every time I see a picture of a hippopotamus I smell bananas.
I'm not really sure what procedure was performed on me, but Doctor Medjuck did kindly provide me with a video taped cassette recording of the whole operation, which he had specially commissioned the incomparable; Vangelis ... to specially compose an original soundtrack for.
This guy has connections!

The Incomparable Vangelis

DAS KAPITAL (apologies to Brother Trotsky)

2012-02-02T19:40:00.000-08:00

H is for HOME

2012-02-02T00:13:00.000-08:00

EXPERT TAX ADVICE for BLOGSPOT PUBLISHERS

2012-01-31T02:15:00.000-08:00

It's that time of the year again. I wont even try to be cute. I get so fucking angry. That's right. It's Tax Time. If I so much as imagine giving even one penny to the Tax Man, my blood boils. Literally. I should sue them actually. Boiling blood is terrible. If it gets in your circulation it can cause great stress and discomfort, and even serious personal injury, which may result in hospitalization, and expenses into the thousands, not to mention loss of earnings, and diminished ability towards future work and earnings, through permanent irreversible disability!

Fortunately, AdSense pays shit, and I haven't even cracked half-way to the officially sanctioned "Canadian Poverty Line" which is set by Federal Government as 35K or some such other baloney, so I wont be needing the services of any Accredited Forensic Accountancy Experts, Professional Court Witnesses, or Extended Liability Coverage Insurers of any kind. All I have to do is print out AdSense's "Statement of Earnings" for each month of the fiscal year ending December 31, 2011. This is found in the "Payments History" of your AdSense account. They even translate it into Canadian for you, automatically and everything. From there I simply go to get my free Canadian Tax Form from any post office up here in Canadia, fill out my name, info, address, (don't forget to claim the GST rebate or you wont get it) and submit zeros all across the line. It doesn't really matter how you fill out the number-crunching part, because down at Revenue Canada they have a Junior Accountant locked in a broom closet, going over each and every fucking form that gets sent in, and correcting every one anyways, so just make sure you staple the print-outs of each month's earnings to the front of the whole thing, and they will do it for you. I actually only made more than $100 (the monthly earnings minimum to merit pay-out) six times, so it gets even simpler. I'll break it down for you with this ultra-streamlined, super-simplified, easy-to-understand checklist;

GOG's SIMPLE STEPS to TAX TIME for DUMMIES

1. Make more than a hundred dollars each month blogging

2.Print out statement of earnings*

3. Get Canadian Tax Form and Guide

4. Make sure you have a stamp (important)

5.staple everything to tax form

6. Mailbox &

7. Throw your copy in the garbage and wait 4-6 weeks for the postman to bring you your sweet, sweet rebate cheque. I think its $200 or something around there.

*(Note; if they ask you anything about the missing months where you didn't make enough to get paid, just tell them you are unemployable and that's why you are a blogger. This will get them to leave you alone.)

If, and I would rather not even discuss this part, if you have made significantly more than $35000 and you absolutely must remain in Canada, I would have to say that you could find yourself to be entirely hooped my dear friend, and if you want to avoid the wrath of "Collections", you will need to actually (cringe) Pay Tax on Your Income. Of course, you would have a small fortune of monies that you earned for doing essentially nothing at all (well, nothing much, anyways) and I think you could at least suck it up a little and do this one tiny thing! Besides, my Attorney (pictured) instructed me specifically that I was not to; advise, council, or in any way suggest to readers at GOG&MAGOG to commit and/or engage in any form of Tax Evasion, Fraud, or Flight from Prosecution thereof. Just Be A Grown-Up! Learn to do simple Tax Return Forms (it comes with an instructions) I know it's boring, but those taxes aren't going to pay themselves. That's why we sell advertising!

My Legal Council; Akiva "Double-Double" Medjuck

66,666 PAGE VIEWS

2012-01-30T01:14:00.000-08:00

Check it out, I was looking at my blog today just as my page-view count turned over to view number Sixty-Six Thousand, Six Hundred, and Sixty-Six. Here's the screen-cap...

So, to commemorate this momentous occasion, I thought it appropriate to present this...

Couldn't have done it without my loyal followers...

WE SALUTE YOU!!!

Born To Raise Hell!

HYPER - OCCUPY - OVERDRIVE

2012-01-29T14:23:00.000-08:00

The more things change...

TRAGIC SCENE

2012-01-26T03:17:00.000-08:00

KID ROCK in CABO WABO

2012-01-24T00:01:00.000-08:00

I'll just leave this here...

A MEME IS BORN!!!

MAXIMIZE YOUR GIRL GUIDE COOKIE EARNINGS

2012-01-23T00:51:00.000-08:00

Its girl guide cookie selling time again this year and I can't hardly wait! Not only do I completely LOVE girl guide cookie selling time, but I have also hatched a scheme whereby I will totally get RICH from it too! It happened upon me last year when one of these little girls in the uniform comes to my door, and when I looked at her, having fallen for the gimmick, even purchasing a box, I decided that I could do that; I could get me a little girl and put her to work for me, selling cookies, and this could generate good revenue for me.

However, I needed to procure myself a small girl child to make this plan fall into place. This I accomplished very easily, I simply hid behind some bushes up the street a block ahead of the girl scout I had just been doing business with, waited for her to come past, then abducted her to my home, or more specifically, my basement, where she has been all year till now so I can put my operation into play. When I got her, she came complete with the uniform and even a supply of cookies, so my overhead is more or less completely covered, and I will see immediate returns on my investments into pure profit from here on out.

Opportunity Knocked

I was a little afraid she was going to maybe try and run away when I let her off her leash to go up to each person's door, but I think she really believed me when I promised her I would kill her mother (and dog) if she so much as thought about escaping, and that seemed to work fine. also I put thumb tacks in her shoes so it would be too painful for her to get too far too quickly, just in case..

the overall endeavor was an unmitigated success. people had given her much more than the inflated asking price of the cookies I had set, taken with great gestures of charity at this child's wasted vacant figure, and I pulled a solid $450 for a mere 20 boxes of year old, free cookies. I was feeling pretty good, until I got "girl guide" back home and realized we had completely depleted our stock of merchandise and I would have to buy, or even make, cookies next year if I wanted to repeat this fantastic money generating scheme, also her uniform was getting awful dirty and kind of too small for her, a whole other expense in itself right there.

How quickly they grow...

Just as I was giving up on the idea of keeping girl guide for another year, and more importantly, wondered how I would get rid of her, I remembered it is the annual Bar-B-Que and Chili Bake-Off next week, and as I size her up in her cage, I see it right there how I can make the best Bar-B-Que Sausage Chili ever and win the $1000 grand prize..

``mechanically separated``

``may contain traces of girl guide``

$$$ Great Profit $$$

luxury dodecahedron collider

2012-01-22T20:49:00.000-08:00

Glue Sniffers! A Warning!

2012-01-21T04:20:00.000-08:00

WORLD of DARKNESS

2012-01-20T02:22:00.000-08:00

Belated "Birthday" to Self....

2012-01-19T03:34:00.000-08:00

24 hour BLACK(and white)OUT for a FREE INTERNET

2012-01-18T03:49:00.000-08:00

I spent the better part of last night trying to figure out how to "black-out" GOG & MAGOG for 24 hrs. in support of the anti-SOPA movement, but to no avail. there is no way to temporarily make your blogspot account go black, so today I am posting only black and white pictures. At least I can say I met them half-way.

FREE INTERNET

FREE INTERNET!

FC JUDD - Electronics Without Tears

2012-01-16T11:16:00.000-08:00

Well, its happened, they've found an even more obscure figure in the already totally obscure genre of radiophonic music. Like its not enough that fans will shell out three figures for antique 45s of primitive electronic bleeps and bloops, and pour over the scant handful of snapshots and (even scanter) video clips of the creators of this forgotten music, but now they have a new idol to focus on. I really like radiophonic recordings, basically sound effects made with signal generators and tape loops, designed for radio and television. A lot of music nerds do... and I am sure that a very large part of the allure is the rarity of the recordings and the obscurity of the artists involved. What is lost on the larger public, is that you can trace a direct line from all modern popular music directly back to the Radiophonic scene. If you think for one second that Dubstep would exist without the contributions of giants like FC Judd, then your parents and teachers are correct- you don't have the slightest concept of history, and you are a shallow fool. That said, get your know-nothing, Disney-fied ass on over to PUBLIC INFORMATION where they not only have more information about this Titanic Progenitor of Radiophonic Sound than anyone previously has been able to find, but they are releasing TODAY an anthology of his recordings for all to hear and enjoy. Internet provides!

Looking forward , from way-back-when

I'm Actually OK with This...

2012-01-15T01:35:00.000-08:00

Evil vs. Good. Which do you prefer?

ART = CRIME

2012-01-13T14:30:00.001-08:00

I found this video the other day, on another blog, and they were lauding it as the precursor to "Keyboard Cat"

There certainly is a lot going on in this film, I'm not sure where to begin. From the sonorous, belabored singing of 50s TV stalwart Andy Devine, to the audience of children; basically petrified with boredom, to the look on the animals' faces... Confusion! Agony! Torture! Especially the mouse! They simply duct-taped his little arms to some drumsticks, and you can see he is desperate to escape! It reminded me of this clip of "Twiggy The Water Skiing Squirrel"

Apparently "Twiggy" is not one, but a succession of squirrels as this stunt more often than not results in death for the rodent in question. If not from drowning, then from heart failure caused by sheer terror.

Humans love to anthropomorphisize everything around them... but at what cost? I find these sorts of cheap entertainments to be criminal in the least! Maybe these animals should get themselves a personal injury lawyer and sue for damages, up to, and including wrongful death!

Lastly, if you MUST have your animals perform for you, there are far more humane ways to go about it... take for example The Fabulous Rock Cats!

They seem to enjoy what they do, and they're actually a pretty good band if you're a fan of Aleatory Music. Besides, Boyd Rice is a fan!

"Boyd Rice is a Black Pimp" ; Charles Manson.

REMINISCING

2012-01-10T23:37:00.000-08:00

I went in to get a quote; on my mortgage, you see... I wanted to see if I could get more money from them.
I had already cashed in my insurance policy, gambled that away PDQ in a shady forex scam, and I was really desperate for funds right now!

A kid can dream, can't he?

What can I say? I was over extended, you don't need to be the graduate of several extended phd programs to figure that one out, do you? Hell, you don't even need to go to online university, even one with a half-decent mba rankings! Its simple math. go get yr. mba online... go check out teh colleges, they got video... and technology...and network security (!)

These new programs are BOSS!

Plus...everytime I gotta haul my 46+ year old ass up to the bus stop because I am a car-less motherfucker; and I catch sight of the "social milleue" (read looking at teenagers' asses) Dude...I ask myself..."Why did I let myself get kicked out of highschool????"

"Oh yeah...Right..."

But of course; if I could go back in time...I'd just fuck that up too... Its sad; isn't it, yes, but its true.

"Ahhhh...Youth!"

MTS 1009 [Musical Touch Sound] - Maurice Lissac - Emotion

2012-01-10T00:47:00.000-08:00

In all my studies on Music, its philosophy, and practice... one record has come forward. To me, this album represents all that a record should be, or might aspire to be in idealized terms. After only one listen I retired myself from music collecting altogether. No search could take me further... As if decreed by law and a criminal act to ignore...I have discovered the greatest Masterpeice of Later-Twentieth Century Diminished Copyright Production Music. Listen for yourself and see...now... please ... DIG these sounds....(in stereo)
.

On second thought...I take that back...its not actually very good. I guess I was seduced by the flashy packaging. Thanks anyways to Dusty Shelf for providing this link from their Bottomless Pit of Library Greats!

HIGHER EDUCATION

2012-01-08T17:39:00.000-08:00

UNIVERSITY of the AIR

2012-01-05T11:17:00.000-08:00

Some Decent Opera for a Change!

2012-01-02T22:52:00.000-08:00

spaghetti totally fell out

Sing-mutha-f*@#ing Dub-mutha-faking-step

2012-01-02T18:24:00.000-08:00

Jimmy Savile - Play It Safe: Children Can't Fly

2011-12-30T00:18:00.000-08:00