"Come, uncle bring you go see goldfish... "

Dear Boss (Ending)

2010-10-14T11:25:00.000+08:00

Dear Boss,

Now let’s get back to our conversation, shall we? Before that, I really had to ask if you somehow managed to stumble upon my blog. That should explain why you wasted no time to send me out to Kampung Baru Changloon. Holy shit boss. Kampung Baru Changloon. Have I heard about Changloon before in my life? Sure, I did have a classmate named Chiang Loon a long time ago. He used to eat his boogers, but that’s beside the point. Apart from the fact that you sent me out to the middle of nowhere (again), I'm still fairly impressed by how the hell you could secure a project somewhere in between no mans land and hills with eyes. It's as abandoned as the spot in between your anus and testicles. Why in the world would anyone build anything there!?

Did you know I had plain fried noodles three times a day for almost the entire week? I swear my shit were starting to come out in strands by the end of it. But you were very successful in stopping me from blogging. Because nevermind computers, there wasn’t even sufficient electricity from the generator to let us keep our lights on long enough. The Bangladeshi perverts could’ve been masturbating to my face every night and I wouldn’t even know. Come to think of it, maybe that's why my eye was kinda stuck together that one morning.

But nevermind that. Let’s get back to topic. Now where was I, boss? Oh right.

Yes, boss. I, FUCKED in your office room. And by that I did not mean the street expression of fuck as in “fuck you bitch!” or “man, that shit is really fucked” or “why do you have to go and fuck it up”. Whereas, boss, I meant to say that I had sex in your room. With a girl. No, not with my hands as you think I often do (although I will not deny that). Rather it was with a cute girl that you fantasize about whenever you pleasure your missus. Speaking of which, I believe, is rare.

It wasn’t just your regular wham-bam-thankyou-m’am, boss. It was loads and loads of sex. Like the smell of jasmine on the first day of spring. Or the deep stench of a passing garbage truck. Overwhelming. In fact, if you stare hard at your desk, it almost feels like its about to blurt out “Holy shit there was a lot of sex going on here last night!” Such is the aura of the great after-sex. And all those loads and loads of sex compressed into a single night. And then further compressed into a single hour.

Ahh, how I recall the short passionate moment on your mahogany carved desk,

a little banging against your double-pane fully tinted glass,

a little rub-a-dub on that contemporary glass coffee table,

and a whole lot of no-no-oh-shit-yes on your prime Italian sofa.

Dear boss, I could not however, for the life of me, find the remote for the air-conditioning in your room. I paid for that with a hell load of sweating. The genius of where you hid it confounded me, although I can never understand how you must’ve predicted this moment and wanted to save on the air-conditioning electricity bill. You’re always efficiently economical like that. Like how you always returned all the scented napkins to the restaurants on our company dinners and then demand them for a discount.

Or how the rest of the office staff uses furniture that comes embedded with termites as our office pets, or tables and desks that look suspiciously like the ones they throw out from the primary school next door. Truth be told, you’re a genius in cost-saving. They should call you, Costco, Walmart, Econsave, or something.

Remember the one single time you promoted me over the 4 years I worked for you, you said to me “You know what, I think you’re doing a great job. You deserve a promotion and I’m going to give you one today”. It was the happiest day of my life.

It was one small step for a job title (executive to managerial), and one giant leap for salary increment. Remember boss? Eighty eight fucking ringgit.

In an instant I officially became the lowest paid manager in Malaysia. I wanted to call up my mom and scream to her “MOM I FINALLY MADE IT!!” but my phone had no more credits. Oh I’m sorry boss, I meant the beautiful hi-tech COMPANY phone that YOU proudly issued to me.

Now really, at least an increment was better than none. And I supposed the number eighty eight is your own special way of expressing your kind of humor. Way to go boss. If you had added 88 cents to make it RM88.88, I wouldve thought you're the funniest man on Earth.

But among all your greatness, your best display of cost-saving will definitely be the time when you promised me an office room in the main office. Boy, did I get one. Tune Hotel and Tony Fernandez himself would’ve been proud of you. I was only surprised that the activation button on the air-cond did not come with an ‘insert-coin’ slot.

You know boss, I’m always curious why my office room is laid with ceramic tiles, have huge pipes running overhead, comes with a ventilation fan on the grill and smells somewhat funky. Yes, no price for guessing what the room actually was. But hey, you said it wasn’t a toilet, boss. So I believe you. Like one douchebag used to say “It may look like it, sound like it, but is not it”.

But seriously boss, the thing that gave it away was probably the little sink pipe outlet on the north wall. I mean boss, what else could that be? Telegram vacuum tube? I don’t know boss. Perhaps it was just my wild imagination.

Just like whenever someone flushes on the toilet upstairs, (right above me, by the way), I sometimes hear these curious sounds of solid matter dropping into water. I’m not sure how to describe it, or if I even want to. What’s the word? Plonking? Like, plonk!...shhhh…. plonk! ‘stuffs’ swimming happily through the huge pipes above me. It does wonders for my lunchtime appetite.

Well that’s that in cost-saving. On the other end of the rainbow, I must say your investment talent is just as sharp. Your prime Italian sofa, for example, was indeed the best investment in your room. The ample bounce on the springs and the plush leather made me feel like I was getting BMW Auto-Bavaria servicing on my gigantic penis while being wrapped in soft and warm embrace of a milky cocoon with a whiff of Persian leather oil. That sentence doesn’t even make sense. That’s how good it is.

Your mahogany carved desk was a point worth noting as well. All the humping and pushing and never did it let out a squeak. But of course, my favorite will have to be your gigantic fish tank, boss. Your fishes now share a deep untold bond with me, after bearing witness to our holy union that night.

Boss, did you really spent RM500 on each of those little Nemos? I could not tell if their eyes always bulged like that or if they were just impressed with my penis. See, apart from Mc Donald’s fillet o’ fish, I have completely no knowledge on our aquatic friends. Now termites, that’s a different story.

Dear boss,

To express my deepest love and gratitude to you, I left a gift forever embedded into the sanctity of your throne room. When the moment of sexual enlightenment ‘came’ (pun intended), I gave it my all with a big thrust and some puckering up of the asshole and some sucking in of the butt-cheeks. Boy, if that was not an Olympic gold medal shot, I don’t know what is. Heck, my knees almost buckled.

Boss, the apple-shaped sweat stain on the sofa may have evaporated by morning, palm marks on the tinted glass windows may have dried up, but a little part of me will forever remain close to you. Trailing down the corner of one glass pane, like a river making way to the sea, was the one token of my memory to you. My own little army of barley soldiers, boss, that’s how much I love you. Sure, most of it must be dried up by now and soaked into the edge of the carpet, but boss, a pinch of love remains and you can always feel its aura. Love is everlasting afterall..

Yes boss. If you stare at it close enough, its there boss. Little spots of barley paradise staring back at you longingly. Like a virgin lover on the window pane of a mid September night.

So here is where I sign off boss, and I probably will not be writing you anymore for a long while. Well, that's what I hope. At least not until I collect enough wisdom from you again. If you really did stumble upon my blog, please, do not pop a vein. It is supposed to be therapeutic according to my hot therapist. Oh wait, I cannot afford a therapist. And please please do not send me to some site in between the testicles and anus again. Taking a shit in the jungle and fearing for snakes while your dick is hanging out is not very pleasant.

So remember boss, if you ever feel lonely, millions of dried up mini-mes are always there to accompany you. Just imagine them as persistent little tadpole buggers, roaming the strands of your carpet. Waiting for that one day when they can all do the butterfly strokes to the warm, wet and stinky gloryhole again. Crushed dreams and delusional ambitions, served just like life.

Take care now boss, and see you soon.

Yours truly,

The only monkey that stayed when you paid peanuts.

Dear Boss

2010-09-28T01:50:00.003+08:00

Dear Boss,

How are you? I hope you had alot of fun on your trip to Manila last week. I'm sure there were alot of businesses that you still had to attend to there as you claimed. We all understand how most businesses are really conducted in golf courses, papaya karaokes and brothels. But before we start, I feel that there's a need to address to a disturbing issue of late.

You see, lately, I noticed that you had increased the consistency of the strange habit of scratching your crotch in public to an alarming rate. I would like to point out that stuffing your hand into your pocket to pretend like you are fishing for your keys does not really work anymore. Especially when you claw at the itch so ferociously that I began wondering if you'd tear your skin. Lets just hope for your wife's sake that the itch was not imported from Philippines.

Boss, while you were gone, we were all fine and dandy here in the office. I'm sure we dont need the vacation like you do because you're the only one who works hard in the company. 10 days annual leaves works just fine with me. In fact, I think it's really efficient, especially when public holidays fall on Saturdays and it does not get forwarded. Thus putting a grand total of 6 public holidays and 10 leave holidays in 365 days. Heck, I was just thinking, how the hell am I going to spend 16 days doing nothing? This is why you are a genius boss. Fuck the labor laws right? what do they know. You're so James Dean boss, and that is so cool.

Boss, I remember some time ago when Hari Raya was a week long holiday. Now that we only get one single day off, boy, do I realize how redundant and time-wasting those holidays were. I'm sure you'd agree. You said to me the other day "Hari Raya break so many days for what? The Malays are already so fucking lazy". Sure, lesser informed people will scream racism at this statement, but little do they know you also said the Chinese were all thieving and conniving assholes so they deserve no CNY break. And then some months later, you said the Indians were good-for-nothing dumb gangsters, and these gangsters deserve no Deepavali break.

Well you should remember that one. Because the Indian lorry driver right behind us heard what you said and I swear I heard a vein popped in his neck. I'm still relieved today that I never heard your neck being popped after that. Geez, what racist? I know you're no racist boss. You hate everyone just as well. So thank you, because we all know it has nothing to do with hating holidays but you're just trying to form discipline by maintaining consistency.

So, you asked me what this is all about boss? You see, my therapist said that it will truly do me good if I can confront my feelings about you and express it. Perhaps that way we can say our peace and move on with our lives. She said by doing so, both of us can make waking up in the morning a little easier.

My therapist is actually pretty hot, boss. My mom used to warn me never to listen to pretty girls, but this therapist sounded like she knew what she was talking about. Plus when I'm lying on her leather couch, I sometimes catch a good glimpse of her lace panties. I truly love surprises like that. So, about her idea of confrontation with you, let's just see how it goes, shall we boss?

Well, the truth is boss, I dont even have a therapist. I guess if I had one that's what she'll say. And I'd probably find a pretty one. And the truth is boss, I cannot even afford one. Much less the nice new sports car that you left the brochure of in my office. I had a tough time wondering why you left the brochure there. For the weirdest moment, I actually allowed my completely witless mind to imagine maybe you meant to get the car for me as a company car.

Silly me. You were absolutely right. When I asked you if you were getting me the car and you laughed so loud that I started worrying if you'd pop an artery. Then you said I must've knocked my head silly in the construction site, for saying such a dumb thing. You were right. I must've knocked my head at the site. But hey, thanks for the... brochure? I guess shoving it unto my face and reminding me how little money you're paying me is a great motivation? I'm sure that's your humble intention. And I'm sure you have your reasons. They say God works in mysterious ways. You're like God, boss.

Boss, I must admit that at first I felt offended and insulted when my staff revealed to me that you had been badmouthing me behind my back. And to MY staff, of all people. I mean, what kind of douchebag would do something like that? But later I realized, that you're too professional and too much of a man to be saying such negative things directly to me, and it would be too unbecoming of your big boss status. Direct confrontation is not always the best scenario. So I applaud you for your innovative solution. Spread it instead to the junior staffs.

I totally took heed of your modern business style, which is why I passed the box of Viagra that you asked me to buy for you to my executive. She then passed it to the admin clerk who later passed it on to your personal assistant who left it on your desk. It's too bad you never realized how professional the entire purchase was handled.

Boss, I must also thank you for the display of trust you placed on my talent. Back during the Tampin project when your son fucked it up so badly, you took him out so quickly and dragged me in, out of nowhere. I was never involved in the project hence I had no clue what was going on, but you insisted that I "BE A MAN!", and stick out my neck and reputation on the line. If you had added "DOO THE RIGHT TING!", you wouldve sounded like Russell Peters and I might have found that funny.

But boss, when shit started to surface and everyone (including you) crucified me to be the scapegoat, it wasnt funny at all. Did you know that the client screamed at me so passionately that his saliva practically mosturized my face? After that, my skin did have the healthy glow that Ms. DBLchin always talks about in her blog.

Boss, I now realize that you were genuinely confident that despite my complete lack of experience and non-existent involvement in that project, you felt that I could save the project and along with your son. I'm so sorry and always regretted that I failed you that time. That is why I never blamed the crucifix and did not say a thing when you stated that incident as the reason for me not having any bonus that year.

Boss, we have now come to the part which my pretty therapist calls "Constructive Confessions". It's a rip-off from hot THB's 今日的忏悔 . It's okay though, because my therapist is just as hot.

But the thing is, boss, I dont really have a therapist. It's because I can't really afford one. And I guess I've already told you that. Well, I'm just... hinting... nevermind.

Boss, you remember that cute sweet secretary from the office two blocks away that you always talk about? The one the entire office knew you probably fantasize about whenever you 'choke-your-monkey'? Yes, the one who came to invite you to their company's annual dinner but you chose to ridicule her job, her company and even her car instead. I did not understand, but perhaps you were really going for the whole bad-boy Johny Depp image thing by behaving like such a prick. You always did preach about 'nan ren bu huai, nu ren bu ai' afterall. But perhaps it wasn't the sexiest image for a fat balding 65 year old ugly chinaman.

Later on you kept demanding me to look her up, to hire her to work for you. Sure, I thought, I was just going to march right into her office, whip out my oversized penis, smack her on the face with it and command her to work for you.

I did tell you later that I could not get a hold of her, and you called me a complete idiot to have wasted what would've been a great staff. It is so completely my fault, boss, I couldn't agree more.

But you see, boss, I lied.

I did run into her after that, and I did get to know her better. We hit off pretty well actually, and I guess its because we did share something in common; our great love for you.

But that's not all, boss.

Well, you see, boss... around this time last year...

we fucked.

In your office room.

to be continued.

The Blogger That Always Quits

2010-09-20T01:11:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

An entire month I disappeared from my blog. Some people were probably really happy as the blog rouses nothing but negative sentiments from their minds with a virgin's width. Some probably relieved that they no longer have to fear their spouses snipping their organs off as they sleep at night. Of course regardless of how much 'fuck-the-world' limpek try to portray, limpek still did hope that one or two readers did miss reading the blog. It seems kinda desperate, but its the truth. Kanneh... what to do... in the end, limpek also do crave for some acceptance afterall.

I guess I started to doubt what it is I'm doing here actually. What message it is that I'm trying to convey. Limpek's friends all think this is absolutely retarded, posting nonsense online for anonymous strangers to laugh at, or get shitpissed at. It's obvious limpek dont make a single cent for the blog. And it's not effortless too. Heck it takes ALOT of time for each entry, so limpek is truly impressed with those bloggers with full time jobs. Limpek also dont get to meet hot gers or cool friends because it has to remain anonymous.

Limpek thought to at least try make someone smile for a minute in their day, but it's really hard when smiling is the last thing you feel like doing yourself. If only its as easy as painting a big red smiley lips on my face for you. If it is, I'd gladly do it for you.

So what is it that I'm doing here? Why am I blogging in the first place? You ask limpek, limpek also chui tat lan. All I know is, limpek didnt really wanna just abandon this. It has afterall, help limpek connect to a few souls in this big ball of a mess... And perhaps, make life less lonely?

Sean asked me today "why you haven't been blogging? Just continue la wat the fuck. Make new friends."

Sean usually say things that doesnt make sense, but limpek felt that this time he was right. One great thing that limpek had truly enjoyed since starting the blog a short 6 months ago was getting to know the readers and other bloggers. As little as I truly know them, or they me, limpek felt they were all these colorful characters that hardly exist in my real life, or in my real friends. That's so fine by me. Real or not, life is afterall how much you believe your make-believe. Isn't it?

Well, before I stop making sense and you start thinking that I'm blogging while high, I shall stop here.

so... hello friends. I'm Goldfish Uncle, a friend. And I'm back. Like your genital wart that never goes away.

p/s: Entries will be more casual from now on and less frequent. I'll learn to have fun doing this, rather than getting tired after blogging. =)

Baja Hitam

2010-08-22T18:36:00.004+08:00

Continuation from 'Superman' of last post.

This reminds limpek of a story...

A nong nong time ago, Grandpa had a Vespa that he used to round the plantation estate with. It was one of those old things that looked like it came straight from World War II. Most of the time, Vespa was dumped in the tooldshed, keeping itself from everybody's way.

But to a 16 year old punk like me (yes, limpek was once 16 too...), it was the One Piece, the ultimate treasure. Whenever I lay eyes on it, it felt like I could be like this...

That's right.

As cool as Rossi.

So without my dad's knowledge, but with Grandpa's permission (Grandpa was always nice to us), I secretly took Vespa to ride to school whenever I could.

School back then in these small kampungs are always so damn far away, so mom was quite happy that she doesn't have to drive me there anymore. Besides, small kampung roads are empty most of the time so it's safe as well.

Boy, did I felt like Rossi in those times...

All the cool boys rode bikes to school back then in the kampung, and limpek also felt so cool that my nipples could cut glass.

Everything to make it as a cool cat, limpek had it all going.

Motorbike. Check.
Square-top hair. Check.
Fake Clip-On Gold Earings. Check.
Unbutton School Shirt. Check.
Plastic Pasar Malam Sunglasses. Check.
Super Baggy Ugly Green Schoolpants Check.
Blowing Smoke Rings with Ciggies. Check.

Limpek felt like all the girls in the kampung will drench their panties if I ever pass by them in my Vespa.

But there was this one girl, that limpek had a major crush on. Pei Ting was her name...

She was the same age, from the neighboring girl school. Limpek always wanted to but never found the balls to talk to her. But limpek knew she always waited at the same bus-stop sharp at 6.45pm every evening.

So finally one day, limpek decided to try and impress her with the Vespa. Limpek imagine myself as Rossi (although nobody had even heard of Rossi then), and Pei Ting was the sexy flag-girl.

'Yes, it's gonna be perfectly cool like that!' that was all limpek could think of.

So limpek flew the Vespa in really close, and for the corner just ahead of the bus-stop limpek had a grand idea.

The great Racer Lean.

For a second there, limpek felt like the Great Spirit of Rossi possessed limpek's body.

limpek felt, like this...

But of course, like what musicians always sing about, "Life isn't always how you want it to be"

The musicians however, failed to mention how different it would be.

But like Yus from the tale before this, pride only comes AFTER a man's fall.

Hey, especially if your one favorite girl is looking, right? You would've done the same.

As I collect the poor Vespa up to stumble away, trying my best to walk straight, a silver lining did appear in the cloud.

Am I okay?

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我们不是東亞病夫!!!

Note to self:

She talked to me!
Actually limpek could not turn around because the fattened blueblack face streaming with tears and dirt is totally uncool... Un-Rossi.... beh sai...beh sai...
The hardest butt caning I ever received from Dad that night.
When I saw the way Grandpa looked at the broken Vespa that night, I made a vow never to break his heart like that ever again.

Superman

2010-08-19T19:29:00.003+08:00

So limpek just returned from being stationed at Kuala Krai to check on some site. Limpek will buy you a beer if you had actually been to Kuala Krai. It's like time-travelling to the past for a week. Thank god they have good Todi there.

Boss sent limpek there just because he want limpek to check on his stupid brat son. His son, typical spoiled brat of rich daddy, usually has one way or another to fuck up our projects. So limpek have to wipe their family's ass. Stupid puahbais.

But this project was actually going alright. The only problem is this HUGE FAT Safety Officer called Ganesh. He is SO HUGE that he couldnt really fit in the site temporary toilet, so he takes his crap in the bushes at the jungle. HAHAHA. Everytime he steps on the steel scaffolding, limpek had to hold my breath and pray it doesnt break.

This Ganesh likes to give us shit about safety. Climb 1 floor also must wear full safety equipment. Alot of work cannot be done with scaffolding, must use skylift. Cigarrette cannot simply smoke. Alot of shit lah basically. Its hampering with work and delaying handover, whatmore with the constant rain nowadays.

So limpek told Spoiled Brat two weeks ago to bribe Ganesh. We gave Spoiled Brat RM1500. But Spoiled Brat only gave him RM800. (That is like our government projects, past every level got tax wan kanineh!). After that Ganesh stopped bothering our workers so much. But you can feel he still beh syok on the small small safety issues wan. He will keep looking and looking like beh tahan, waiting to explode and scream at the workers. Limpek think Ganesh got obsessive compulsive disorder. Siao wan.

So on second day there, limpek was doing site-walk with Spoiled Brat. As usual, everything seems to be going well. At one end, Spoiled Brat looked up and limpek follow to see what he was looking at.

Two Indon workers were on the steel scaffolding, about two floors above ground. They were supposed to be lining cables. Two floors really isnt that high and for a quick job usually safety harness is neglected. Then these two monkeys started messing around...

It was actually quite a hard jab

The guy (Yus) was obviously pissed.

The other guy was as quick as Ip Man.

Who would've thought...

A smooth fall, it was not...

Extension planks broke his fall. Twice...
And finally...

Limpek look over and Spoiled Brat was looking like this...

Although limpek wasnt sure if he was more freaked out about Yus's injury...

OR this guy who's ALWAYS nearby

But Yus knew about Ganesh (heck, the entire site does). And a hero always think about the team first.

Right away he bounced back up. You'd think he only fell from a bicycle. Except his leg was kinda pointing at a very, very wrong angle.

And then he wasn't exactly convincing...

Ganesh might not have seen how far up Yus came falling from. He just stared really hard, as though he's about to eat someone. The other guy quickly came down to help carry Yus to the medical room, before Ganesh explodes.

Two floors isnt all that high... but its not all that low to fall from as well. Yus fell like a meatsack and yet, he's still standing! What on earth is this guy made of?!

Pride. Thats the answer.

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Deng deng deng!

This reminds limpek of a story...

That limpek will only post in two days hohohoho!

How Much Is Too Much Part II

2010-08-11T15:54:00.000+08:00

Limpek opened my eyes, and limpek was here...

There's still a certain realization that this all could not possibly be real.

So limpek scrambled to search back reality. Eyes closed, here I was...

And everything was throbbing, that it started to feel like this..

Edward wouldnt have approved...

"Calm the fuuuuccccckkk downn!!!" Limpek remember telling myself. Whether it was said out loud, there's no way to know.

Closed eyes and the stage changed...

The music started becoming really loud, and colours blinding. There's no way that this isnt illusion.

Closed eyes, and opened, and it was a whole new world again.

At this point, limpek was starting to doubt whether limpek was sane in the first place. Whether there was real sanity at all. Limpek really believed that the situation is completely fucked up beyond any reason. There's no way to get out of this loop. This is it.

Closed eyes, space travelled again.

It was really hard to describe... of course these weren't the exact real images of the spaces limpek hopped to. But it was real close in terms of mood and atmosphere. The feeling of helplessness is incredible, that there was no way left for limpek to control the situation. The paranoia became devastating. You start doubting whether the world had always been one short consciousness after another, or if you'll finally sober up at one point.

Your body feels foreign to you. You send commands of actions to your body, some are executed and some are not. But you feel nothing even if the movements were executed. Limpek remember forcing my hands to massage my temples, and ended up feeling two foreign sticks prodding at limpek's head. Limpek is still unsure if those were my fingers.

Music changes from muffled, as though you're in an eclosed glass cube, to ear-shattering loud. And the world is weightless, without gravity. You spin non-stop on all directions.

Travelling between worlds, it felt like a lifetime had passed.

To be honest, limpek was scared shitless. Siao liao... boh hang kiu liao... thats all limpek can think of.

After several lightyears, limpek opened my eyes again...

old school laser disco lights!

Waitaminute... she looks quite familiar wor. But where am I? Kaninah why so noisy wan!? Puahbai!

Eh, this place... hamsap KTV wor.... Eh?? How come?

Oh wait... just now....

As soon as the memory hits, it surges and floods your head like an overwhelming orgasm after 2 dry weeks. You can feel as though your eyes going to pop out because the memories are smashing against it.

Limpek ran straight to the toilet, stumbling like Rosmah trying to do ballet. As soon as limpek spot the bowl, shit starts spraying out from the mouth like dragonball hei-gong. Limpek think the last time limpek puked this hard was during Tobby's daughter's birthday when we down cheap champagne as though they were beer. It was by the beach so the waves sent our half-digested chickens back to our feet. The poor little girl looked as though her dad had been possessed by devil. Hahaha good ol times. Sibeh jialat.

In reality, barely three hours had passed since limpek arrived at this sleazy KTV. Kanineh what the flying fuck happened?

Rewind 3 hours ago, limpek walked in and met Dr Druggie Ronald for the first time. Spread on the table was his 'medicine' poison collection. Limpek was already worried that time. I mean limpek had tried smoking pot several times and some e-pills during school days or whenever limpek go back hometown Penang to look for old mates... Granted Penang really does have the best grass thanks to its distance from Thailand. And limpek's childhood Bayan Lepas member, Kamlan Wong, source the best grass. But these items by Dr. Ronald look like stuff limpek see on newspapers. With the 'DEATH PENALTY' logo next to it.

First came in the girls, and surprisingly they were really quite pretty! Vietnamese and Indonesians, all just as crazy. Limpek picked an Indonesian girl cause she was really cute with short modern bob hair that reminded limpek of my first girlfriend. And her name, Alina, was even almost the same!

But of course when she opened her mouth and all the obscenities started pouring out then she quickly sounded like the wantanmee auntie liao. And she kept holding limpek's Gojira as though its the balancing handle in the LRT. Puahbai... limpek's first love was as gentle and modest as it could get okayy!

"Bangggg, kamu ada suka main sok keh?" Alina asked limpek.

"Sok keh?? Apa tu?? Kongket ka?? Abang sukaaaa main"

"Aiyo jahaatttt... bukan kongket! Sok keh! Itu, 'keh'!" She said, pointing at Dr. Ronald's 'medicine' cabinet. Particularly at the white sachets.

"OHHH!!! ITU 'K' KAH?? You mau kah?? Wahh u manyak jahattt oh!"

The crazy GROs instantly swarmed around the K powder like flies to cow dung. The way they line the powder and suck them up like vacuum cleaner reminded limpek of Tony from Scarface. "Ohh... so the drugs are for these crazy girls." That was what came across my mind. Limpek was obviously still naive.

The first hour pretty much went by okay. Everytime limpek tried to sing a song, the girls, high like monkeys pumped with testosterone, changed it to some china disco music. Those entertainingly ridiculous music that goes YAO-AH-YAO-AH-YAO-AH or whatever they're chanting. Some girls were so fucked up with the K that they just stood there shaking their heads the whole time. Again, its like the gahmen anti-smoking campaign, they're shaking their heads "tak nak tak nak tak nak tak nak". Even in between songs when there's no music. Alina went out and came back in without her bra. I think she really liked limpek. Hahaha.

Then Tan started passing around a glass of drink to the guys. The drink obviously looked like its spiked, smells like its spiked and tasted like its spiked. Yet Tan dare to say "Mou laaaa, mou si kehhh!!! Trust me brother! Siu-siu k fhan zehhh". Sounds familiar like the fucking lawyer Lingam... sounds like me, looks like me, talks like me... but DEY! NOT ME!!!

So limpek took a sip. It tasted like flattened Coke (no gas) with a little bit of bitter aftertaste (like replacement sugar). In about 15 minutes, the buzz started to kick in already. Limpek began to feel weightless and really drunk. Then the head started to follow the beat to do the anti-smoking campaign headshake as well.

It was still okay, limpek thought. Still in control, no reason to freak out. Then in about 10-15 more minutes the effect started to wear off. So it wasnt all that horrible afterall.

Then Tan came back with another glass. "This one we mix ourselves wan, special stuff. You try and see, more or less the same wan. But this one happier a little bit. Have to finish the glass. Trust me!"

Limpek thought aiya the last one also mah-mah-tey only, no ploblem la! So taruk the entire glass.

"Tan, what is this? This one taste horrible la! Like got sour taste wan!"

"This one got some crushed happy-5 plus ecstasy. Then add the liquid they call 'beh io', is used to aneh-aneh.... the horse wan."

"Anesthesize?"

"Yes yes! the one make the horse calm down to fuck wan"

"beh io.... used to anesthesize horse wan.... HORSE!! HORSE!?!?"

"yes correct! hor liao lehhh"

"HORSE!!?? TAN, YOU SIAO AR!!!"

"Aiya dont worry brother, trust me. Horse wan is very weak, we got tiger and even elephant wan!"

Limpek felt like my testicles was stuck in my mouth, words cannot come out.

Limpek never even knew when it hit. There was definitely a gap of memory loss in between finishing the conversation and sobering up holding my dick in the toilet with no pee coming out. And then closing my eyes and waking up with Alina staring at me and wiping my face with hot towel back in the room. My zipper wasnt even pulled up yet. It hit like a truck running into you... will never see it coming.

Limpek ended up throwing up 4 times that night. The very last time, limpek thought my intestines will be hanging out from my mouth already. After limpek puked like mad and drank a whole gallon of water, the world stopped spinning so much. Limpek tipped Alina quickly and got the fuck out of that craphole. The others, with their brains all fried up, were just laying around the sofa with the equally fucked girls. Some were just standing there nodding their heads obsessively to the super loud ahbeng music in the pitch black room. With only the disco laser lights flashing around.

What in the world have I gotten myself into... That was all limpek could think.

Puahbai... horse medicine.

Limpek went home and totally blacked out. It was amazing limpek could still auto-pilot drive back. By the time limpek awoke again, was already 10am fucking late. The boss called.

"OI! NO NEED TO WORK AH!!"

"Wah boss... sorry... really cannot la... last nite..."

"YOU DONT GIVE COCK EXCUSE AH! I called Tan just now, he say nothing much went on last nite! He said everyone was sober and you even left earlier than them!"

"No leh boss, let me explain, they-"

"YOU DONT TALK SO MUCH YOU FASTER COME WORK NOW!!" Click doooo~~~

(Boss... why not you ask me chop off my balls and go die?)

The end of the Que-pac adventure.

Btw, sorry for the delay in update. I know alot of people also wanna tiao limpek for always updating cipet slow nowadays, like gahmen worker. But Limpek and family was back in Bayan Lepas last whole week until yesterday to attend a funeral of a far relative. Home is still as nice as it used to be, and limpek is considering about relocating back to Bayan, back to roots! Since most of family members also moved back from KL already. And also limpek can transfer to the IJM developments along the coast. Dont know la, see how first.

One last thing, Goldfish Uncle NEVER condone drug usage. Really, its just quite retarded.

Exactly How Much Is Too Much?

2010-08-05T20:25:00.002+08:00

At what point does it stop being just PR servicing and become instead, mere whoring out of oneself?

Whoaa kanineh limpek trying to sound very chim chim liddat. Nevertheless, limpek had the chance to question that last week during an outing with some very important clients.

"You need to bring these clients out and make sure they have lots of fun. WE need them on OUR side. I'll cover the fund and you just take care of entertaining them"

That was boss's exact instructions. Notice how great of a salesman he is? picking words that amsu-amsu limpek as if suddenly his project problems are now mine as well. All the 'We' and 'Ours' instead of 'I' and 'My'. Last time when limpek's own project got problem, he left limpek to eat grass myself. Knnccb this kind of bitchman.

But then again, it sounded like a good deal doesnt it? Afterall, limpek knew these hamsap clients are papaya farm addicts and what can be better than letting boss pay for everything?

This was in regards to a project limpek is involved in at K.L. It's the construction of a really exclusive condominium tower which ironically has been mostly bought up or rented by foreigners; expats and investors. It is quite impossible to expect the locals to afford these multi million ringgit little boxes in the sky. Such is the failure of Malaysia that the prosperity we always try to portray pales in comparison to the majority of us monkeys earning peanuts.

But hey, what do the fattened up pigs in Parliament or GLC developers care as long as their bellies get bigger and bigger. It is just another pre-Mandela South Africa waiting to happen. They want us to think it is our own fault, that we're probably not working hard enough or talented enough. But is it really? Are we really that worthless?

Limpek's company was lucky enough to pao a little portion of the project to be done... BUT, even luckier to go screw it up. Thanks to our ever reliable angmoh manufacturers. It's not really screwing up to the point of no return, rather its just "finished work not up to standard" (the Consultant's exact words).

To put it simply, limpek's company's finished work is really lanjiao standard. Dont know whether to laugh or cry. But for what its worth, it wasn't limpek's project but my boss's.

Basically its like this: Our job done needs to be approved by project manager and client's architect. So this job was quite fucked up but they can still close one eye and tiam tiam only. But these buggers are from a huge public listed construction company and a major developer, so they dont want to just let it go. They can sue us until our lampahci shrink, and then in turn we will have to sue our manufacturer instead. Then it will go one big round like an orgy train and end up with everyone fucked in the backside by someone.

So boss ask limpek to entertain those buggers, then later together-gether we can try to do some 'lets-all-pretend-to-rectify' wayang, so the client wont be peeing hot fire anymore. Then slowly, the client will start to accept it as it is and then everything will be fine and dandy.

One thing limpek really respect this cipet chinaman boss is he always know how to get out of trouble. No matter how fucked up the situation is, he'll figure out a sneaky solution. He is like old fat chinaman version of Michael Scofield, thinking and thinking of how to break out from prison until nose also can bleed. Well, at least riding along in his ship, he didnt require limpek to hold his pocket.

That bunch of ~~clowns~~ clients limpek also met many times before already at the site. Project manager, Loo, site manager, Tan and client's architect, Ang. All also 40+ already. All married with few kids as well.

That puahbai Ang is the type of site architect that cannot control his voice. He is like a broken radio, turn the volume abit and it will suddenly roar until your eardrums explode. His volume explodes for no reason wan. And also, he likes to talk loud loud 2 inches from your face. Whenever he want to talk to limpek, limpek feel like he is trying to french kiss me. Can even feel the gusts of wind from his breath hitting limpek's face, sometimes even got fish porridge smell. Then next day the face sure grow few pimples because of his high protein saliva.

The project manager, Loo, even worse. When he talk to you must sit close close wan. Then sure put his hand on your thigh. Kaninahh! Damn geli! Limpek always use this dirty tactic on xiaolongnus to pok-mong. Slowly rub their thighs make them horny abit become more wet. Mana tau this cipet Loo also do that to limpek! Limpek really become more wet. Wet with sweat!

They always talk as though like really can cheong, but limpek thought "aiya kanineh, bunch of 40+ family cinapeks... how kaulat can they be". Then Tan the site supervisor called limpek to pick them up at 4pm, limpek start to suspect something wrong liao. Wahpiang why so early wan? Tan explained that they got wives waiting at home. If party until midnite, go home will kena taruk by the wives. Then their wives will throw plates and break things. Limpek hear liao also sien, confirm this bunch of old men cannot cheong wan.

Ang lead the way and the longer we drove, the more uneasy limpek felt. Why so damn far wan? Isnt that the Cheras toll already? Kanineh then see see, batu sembilan liao. What the flying fuck is batu sembilan? Then go into some kampung area, surrounded by fucking jungle. "Tan! What the fuck?! Tekan the sakai's neh neh issit??" limpek asked Tan. "Relax brother, good things must remain hidden wan". Kaninah. Limpek feel like 16 year old schoolgirl kena bluff by hamsap boyfriend to take off bra.

Still havent reach! We had to go deeper inside somemore. Finally see got one single row of shophouse. Those old school type of shophouse with small kedai runcit, kapcai service shop and mamak shop wan. Upstairs people hang underwear with holes from one end till another end. Naked kids running around with stick guns and crazy old man talking to himself in the corner. Topping it off are the stray dogs patrolling around the area and staring cock at you. One of them even missing a leg. Limpek keep getting the sensation that the stray dog is yelling at me "KUA HAMI!? KUA LAN JIAO AR KUA!!"

For a while limpek thought maybe slip through a time portal and end up in Cambodia already. Next thing you know the underage farm girls might be walking up to you and say "me love you nong time?" "sucky sucky?" But lucky this is still Malaysia. And limpek is still no pedophile.

In the middle of the row of shophouses, limpek spotted it. Big tasteless flashing neon lights "Kelab Que-PAC" like straight out of Sungei Wang. If Tokyo neon atmosphere is pop-culture, limpek found its bastard sister.

The door downstairs is locked with grills and 2 Indian thugs with walkie-talkies serve as the 1st level bouncers. These are the kinda thugs you dont want to cross eyes with because they look like they want to slice open your belly and pull out your intestines slowly and make you eat it. Their eyes are so red that limpek thought maybe they're auditioning for Twilight.

oh sorry! limpek didnt realize that was Semi-Vellu and by all means did not intend to label him as an Indian Thug. My bad my bad.

Tan spoke to them abit, tip them abit, and they mumbled something into the walkie talkie. A woman came down that is unmistakably the 'Mami'. Mamis are not very difficult to distinguish as they always have this sneaky aura with certain darkness in their eyes. The kind of feeling our 'First Lady' also do carry.

We went up to the first floor where it became even more shady. 6-7 ahbengs with walkie-talkies hung out in a big empty floor with a plastic table and chairs strewn about. Of course to be expected there was a big altar with a BIG Guan Gong idol on it. We had to go another floor up. Apparently this was just stage 2 security.

Third floor was where all the karaoke rooms were. Slap a couple of cockroach eaten sofas, a TV and some crackling speakers, there you have it. Kampung style papaya farm. Inside our room, a friend of Ang was waiting for us. Ronald was his name.

Apparently Ronald is their resident pharmacist because as soon as limpek walked in, Dr Ronald already got his whole cabinet of 'medicine' laid out on the table.

3/4 of it limpek have no idea what the flying fuck it was. But limpek saw what were unmistakably K-powder in sachets... weed joints.... ecstacy pills... and small bottles of what looked like liquid meth.

Limpek can only think, "Kanineh liao this time."

to be continued...

next post coming very soon

Look Ma, It's A Bung Hole!

2010-07-28T15:49:00.001+08:00

Last week everywhere people talking about the singkapo flood. Limpek no need see newspaper, read several blogs also can see many pictures already. Limpek also know from overseas usually flood not covered by insurance, correct boh? Because its quite uncommon natural disaster.

Insurance as usual, always con people this way. You pay and pay and then when shit happens the blardy con-ladies will say "oh mister, soli ha this kind of incident no cover wan. Its written here on page 24356 paragraph 578 and 1/2. Here's a complimentary coffee mug though, we're very sorry to hear about the dead garupa fishes in your car." Suddenly you regret trying to peek down her two unbuttoned blouse rather than paying attention to the super fine prints in the contract.

Thats why insurance is the biggest 'con'-cept in todays industries to bullshit the modern generation.
Do you notice they always have their faces (mugshot) on their namecards? Limpek's boss say wan "only those biggest conmen/conwomen will have their faces on the business cards." Because they need to sell themselves rather than the actual product/service. Because they also know their product/service is bullshit wan.

So after flood everybody bank account also kena wash away. It is such a pity. Alot of fancy cars in singkapo also kena celup water. If in Malaysia not too bad because mostly Proton cars. Proton cars is like aluminium tin like that, very light so can float on water wan. Thats why they charge the local Proton price similar to Mercedes in overseas. Same concept like carbon fiber mah ngam mou?

But lucky Malaysia no such flood problem. Not because we got no flood but its because we had too many floods before. Eventually the stupid gahmen got sick of soaking their lazy wrinkly lampah every other day in muddy water and started launching projects to prevent flood.

Well... actually not really also... limpek take it back. The rich corrupted politician fucks all live at hilltops and high lands anyway... The ones soaking our balls in the sewer water is you and me. The consequences of buying shit-high over-valued houses built in cheap ex oil palm estates. Not only we spend half our life trying to pay off the lampah house, we spend another half trying to kill the fucking termites. The developers (along with the gahmen fucks involved of course) think we are only same standard with termites. They eat wood, we eat grass. Together we live happily ever after in the ex oil palm estate.

"soaking in humid weather promotes fungal growth" Mario & Luigi

But at the very least we're not swimming to work nowadays like how we used to swim back from school during floods. So, mai hiam still beh pai. The only flood we have in Malaysia nowadays are the ones in Parlimen when the ceiling leak.

But then Parlimen only mah... most important place for lawmakers in Malaysia only mah.... what's the big deal? See at times like those we must be positive and remember the theory of relativity from Einstein. If stadium roof can collapse, brandless computers can cost tens of thousands, National Palace can cost 800 million, Port Klang can make billions disappear, hot gers can be blown to pieces, men can be thrown off windows, whats the big deal about some leaky ceilings in Parlimen? So next time feel free to grab a boob or two of a total stranger... and then use the theory of relativity with reference to the pedophile rapists caught yesterday and see if you can convince the police.

Speaking of the leaky Parlimen ceilings who can forget Malaysia's biggest asshole, Datuk Bung Mokhtar Radin...

Now, now, limpek is not trying to be rude or anything, but it wasnt limpek who named him an asshole. Check urban dictionary here.

1.	bung hole
	buy bung hole mugs, tshirts and magnets Another term for asshole, derived from the hole that a bung (stopper for a hole in a barrel) fits in. Eg: "Dude, my bung hole is covered with dingleberries."

Mr. Bunghole Mokhtar (barbaric ape MP of Kinabatangan) said to lady MP Fong of Batu Gajah "Mana ada bocor? MP Batu Gajah bulan bulan pun bocor" (where got leak? MP of Batu Gajah every month also leak). Thus Datuk Anus Mokhtar single handedly set sexual discrimination and professionalism back to 50 years ago at the Parlimen. But what did Malaysians expect to come out from an anus other than shit and fart?

Of course this year Datuk Anus was again in the limelight after his polygamous relationship was revealed. His secretly-married second wife was Zizie Ezette, a much sought after actress back then. Limpek think it was WAAYYYY back then coz limpek never even heard her name. Much condemnation has been placed on Datuk Anus as deserved, but perhaps the gold-digging skank should share some of the attacks? She probably craves fatherly love from this oldman 20 years her senior. Eww. Zizie has once again proved that many girls are suckers for assholes. Or the Porsche.

Datuk Anus was fined with polygamy supposedly, but during the hearings the couple displayed very casual and joyful mood, smiling and joking about before speeding off in his Porsche Cayenne. What a mockery of the system. What a mockery of Malaysia. What a joke.

Were they not blowing hot air about the corrupted dumbass councillor of Opposition party yesterday? The Stupid Star paper, as usual, will always feature frontpage whenever a story is detrimental to the opposition party. Well, if they're really interested in wiping up shit, perhaps they can start with their own bunghole.

Cannot die so easy wan

2010-07-23T19:04:00.001+08:00

Words have been scarce. Nevermind the fact that limpek wrote a full 2 page entry on monday, fell asleep and knocked the company laptop off the bed. Thus causing the ancient machine to freeze, and then restart, and the entire entry gone along with it. Would've been fine if limpek wrote it while online because of the autosave thing... but this ancient piece of shit doesnt have wireless (god knows who fucked it up). Well basically, words have been scarce... and the lost of one full entry make limpek sien kah na lan.

Limpek had always been better at taking a long time off to write one huge long piece essay rather than these short outbursts required by blogs. Hence limpek's not a good blogger. And even worse will be something like Twitter; constantly updating with a sentence or two about the most boh-liao stuff. Limpek never got the whole idea about Twitter. Despite the fact that a great blogger once said that Twitter sounds like a short lanjiao. Limpek also concur, Gojira is everything but 'ter'.

But then again everyone seems to like Twitter. Reading a random statement every other minute from someone is very syok meh? I mean, what is limpek gonna say on my twitter? Limpek now taking a shit in KLCC. 2 minutes later update, limpek push until face green, the head finally pop out liao. Then 2 minutes later, Damn, went back in. Then 2 minutes later, hailat, forgot to bring tissue. Kanineh like that also want to report ar?

But still people love Twitter. Seefatt Chang also told me blog cannot survive without Twitter. What the flying fuck. Maybe limpek will just get Twitter then... but call it Twi-teng. Twi-tua also can. Then will make sure to update whenever limpek go pangsai.

Limpek was sent outstation for a few days also, busy kena bite by mosquito so no time to blog. Kanineh la, proper laptop also dont have, you teach me how to blog! Block mosquito also beh hu beh hu. Come back only then boss ask to become cow become dog. Really kanasai. Since limpek decided not to resign (hard to find similar pay at this age and economy), the boss keep taruk limpek with work.

Maybe he trying to sabo limpek? Fuck it, limpek like cockroach wont die so easy wan.

Just like alot of bloggers want to sabo limpek's blog, want this blog to die. Limpek dont know why they must act hero and diss or make fun of the blog. For some reason, most are the very ugly bloggers. They say cannot accept limpek's blog.... puahcibai limpek also cannot accept their face wat. You dont see limpek go kaupeh kaubu online also? Knn gong cipet

But anyway limpek also fuck them no free la. If got time to layan limpek might as well go polish the boss's testicles before he give me more shit.

But got few bloggers very nice and generous to spend time on limpek's blog, and even mention it on theirs. Limpek always feel very humbled when it happens. Like jz, nana and most recently uber hot model blogger Chrispytine. Limpek want to say thank you for the generous promotion its so nice of you all. When other puahbai bloggers bashed limpek, which is quite expected, you all gave limpek a reading chance. If limpek see you all outside limpek will give you a hug and kiss and free massage okay? Satisfaction gerenti wan.

Chrispytine wrote this on her entry:

"My favourite blog out of all the nominees is this very ham sup but hilarious blog. You need abit of patience when you start off reading though. As its mostly in dialects and spelt accordingly. His hum sup illustrations are office and living room friendly. I was looking forward to seeing this man in person (will he look like a pervert or a dashing young man?), alas he still remains a mystery."

Limpek read liao also eyes wet wet. Wan lai limpek's C-grade blog also can be considered favorite. By uber hot ger somemore. Kamsia kamsia Chrispy. Limpek assure you limpek look like an old dashing perverted young man. This kind of combination very hard to explain. Only can show. Actually limpek also love to read her blog whenever got time. Her blog is good stuff and her bikini pics can nose bleed wan. Limpek think maybe we should do a joint blog. This will be our banner...

I know. Damn stim right? Limpek is actually so en-tao and Chrispy so chio ger. The banner so romantic macam the Yang Guo and Xiao Long Nu. Nola Chrispy dont angry first. Limpek didnt mean the chinagirl xiao long nu. Only the most positive associations! We will be San Diu Hap Lui!!! (diu not the fuck diu okay)

Housemate John shouting at the back: FUCKOFF DUDE!!! THAT IS YUTAKI!!! YOU DONT FUCKING LOOK ANYTHING LIKE THAT AT ALL!!!

Limpek must say this John is a very stupid person. Obviously this is limpek, not Yutaki. Yutaki look like this one...

See? notice got slight difference wan. Limpek like, maybe 5% more entao than yutaki.

Stupid John say "Fuck off!"

Okay fine... maybe that might not be limpek, but limpek also got about 95% look like that entao.

Stupid John say "If yutaki is a beautiful phoenix, you are like the shit from the phoenix's asshole".

knnccb. At least its still literally hot shit. T_T

On a last note, limpek finally cross the 10,000 hit in the counter liao. Its such a happy thing, limpek remember keep loading the website to touch the 10 total. Then keep asking limpek's useless porno-surfing friends to keep loading goldfishuncle to hit the 100 total. Then join the sg awards reach 1000 total. Finally six month later since birth, reloading and reloading until finger also pong pah already.... reach 10000 liao. WOOOO HOOOO!!!!

But apparently that is like, total of 1 day hit for the hot ger bloggers qiuqiu or xuesha.

Nehmind.... limpek still happy. Like cockroach, cannot die so easy wan.

Sawadeekupppp.... and cipet contractor

2010-07-15T12:55:00.001+08:00

Tuesday morning limpek just reach office only, got a call from a contractor liao. Niaseng, limpek cigarrette also havent smoke finish, call up limpek to kaupeh kaubu. This cipet project manager, Mr. P, is from a big public listed construction company. Everytime he call, sure got no good khang thao for limpek. This chao contractor is already famous for being cibai conman already wan.

Limpek guessed correctly, really got no good khangthao. Spend 10 minutes talk cock to limpek about world cup, say cannot adjust back schedule, cannot sleep properly, body aching... kaninahhh cry father cry mother at 9.00am. Granted, limpek also understood. Even today limpek still cannot adjust back from World Cup time. Keep falling asleep after dinner at about 8pm and then wake up 3am. Straightaway jump infront TV and open computer to load betting website. Kaninah, sometimes limpek swear can even hear "GOALLL!!!" when sleeping. Really... siao liao.

But the good thing is limpek has been early to work every single day this week. Like, 30mins early! Boss also quite amazed. Limpek ownself also amazed.

Then Mr.P finally stated his actual intention... want limpek to bring him go massage in F3 near Bintang Palace. Limpek think think, nabeh, F3 where got massage wan! F3 pure chicken farm! nonononono if limpek bring you there, confirm minimum you will spend RM500 for no reason! Project also never give, spend so much for what.

So limpek told him, we just go real massage place la. F3 is for fucking only. Limpek also say body schedule still abit siao-siao, no mood for fucking at all (just an excuse la, where got such thing as no mood to fuck wan. This kind of things only happen to hairy wrinkly mid-age angmoh uncles). Mr.P abit beh song, but he also didnt push much for it, since he knows limpek is aware of his lanjiao pattern.

End up we went to some Balinese Thai massage place limpek also cant remember the name liao. Oh wait, I think the name is Balinese Thai Massage. Abit also not creative.

The place Mr. P lead one, at first he say is clean massage. Reach there nia limpek see got CCTV. Signboard small small. Kanineh, clean lanjiao la clean.

"Dont worry bout it. They do wonderful massage! Of course there's happy endings too if you like it, you know what I mean? And they massage you topless!"

Chao cibai. Kena con by this bastard P. Limpek tell you all these angmoh speaking, professional-looking, well-versed, sharply dressed midage uncles are the worst. Outside pretend like fucking Obama, inside more sleazy than Ron Jeremy. If you dont have the supplier-client kind of relationship with them, you'll never know how sickly pretentious they are. Probably husbands of those aunties who beh tahan limpek's blog. HAHAHA.

Limpek also abit tulan kena con but what to do, social slave is like that one. So off he went with the biggest nehneh Thai girl, so quickly you'd think he is having diarheaa. Limpek told the manager just one session regular massage. No stepping, no oil, no acrobatics, no whacking planes. Kanineh Tuesday noon la what you expect.

But limpek told him it'd be nice if they send the prettiest girl la. At least it'll help brighten a dead Tuesday with a pretty face.

In the room (if you can call that lampah cubicle a room) the setting is quite nice. Got proper massage bed and candles and speakers playing music. The Thai girl also really quite pretty, like, Charmaine Sheh kind of cute. But as always la, pretty girls means massage like shit wan.

Charmaine Sheh - CHIO!

Thai Charmaine : "Me take off shirt?"

Limpek: "You like lor, me on bed backwards also cannot see anything".

She took off nevertheless, limpek dont think it was a question, rather a statement.

Her massage.... wahpiang... really like shit. Feels more like some chao auntie shopping for steaks for their dirty husbands; prodding and fingering the Kobe quality marbling on limpek's back. Sometimes even feel like she is trying to make fishball on limpek's back. Nabeh, dont know what she's doing.

It was getting boring so limpek talk cock with her to pass time.

Limpek: "So where are you from?"

Thai Charmaine: "Thailand..."

Limpek: (sweat...) "Yes I know Thailand... where in Thailand?"

Thai Charmaine: "Chiang Rai"

Limpek: "Ohhh... Chiang Rai girls all pretty like you?"

Thai Charmaine: "Hehehe... yes all very pretty. You know Chiang Rai?"

Limpek: "Err.... no. But I know Haatyai!"

Thai Charmaine: "Ohhh? Naughty boy ya go Haatyaii..."

Limpek: "Heeheehee... me no naughty but Gojira very naughty"

Thai Charmaine: "Ah? hehehe..." (limpek dont think she understand)

Limpek: "Limpek also know Bangkok... many people go there bang cock, ya?"

Thai Charmaine: "Ah? hehehe..." (confirm she dont understand. Bangcock joke fail)

Thai Charmaine: "You know speak Thai?"

Limpek: "I know... Sawadee Kupppp..."

Thai Charmaine: "Ohhh hehehe veli goood... sawadee kaaa..."

Limpek: "kapkumkappp..."

Thai Charmaine: "Ohhh? hehehe goood..."

Limpek: "err... pad thai.... lard nha.... tomyum goong..."

Thai Charmaine: "Hehehehe"

Limpek: "...tom ga kai.... pad key mao...."

Thai Charmaine: "Hehe... okay.."

Limpek: "Tony jaa....bird tongchai...."

Thai Charmaine: "okay okay...." (she also beh tahan limpek liao...)

*5 mins silence...

Limpek: "You got follow news from home?"

Thai Charmaine: "Ah?"

Limpek: "You know... what happen... home... Thailand..."

Thai Charmaine: "Ohhh... yes yes..." (she really understand?)"

Limpek: "You support Abhisit or Thaksin?"

Thai Charmaine: "Aiyaaa they both no good! I support myself!"

Hahaha best answer limpek heard about this. She really does support herself. Probably along with her entire impoverish family in some hantu village... while these reds and yellows are being manipulated by big dickheads to clash and kill for them.

Limpek: "No? No red shirt? No yellow shirt?"

Thai Charmaine: "No no... All no good. Me is good. Me no shirt. Hehehehe"

Isnt she just cute? She was shirtless afterall. Topless and funny... cant get any better than that.

After the ~~lack of~~ conversation, limpek really fell asleep. Probably dreamt of limpek's back being eaten by fishes slowly and turned into millions of fishballs.

Being woken up by Mr. P was probably the least appealing experience ever. Open eyes only see chao contractor instead of a pretty lovely girl. Knnccb...

He excused himself to disappear into the toilet as usual during billing. Limpek took his bill...

MAHAIIIIII!!! Not only that bastard had a massage, he had TWO girls to massage him! And he added the oil + aroma theraphy package and even went the WHOLE package (sex) with one of the girls!

Kaninah wat the fuck he think this is? Dim sum sex buffet ar!??!

Lao tian ar, my money...

Swimming in Beer

2010-07-12T05:55:00.003+08:00

Viva Español!!!

Gracias for the 64 jugs of beer!

now limpek really need to get some sleep... reply tmr
hailat, still gotta work

Quick note

2010-07-10T18:43:00.005+08:00

Its too bad limpek couldn't make it to the SG Blog Awards. Limpek was quite keen to go also, can meet up with all those bloggers. Somemore can see all the chio modelling bloggers... stim man!

But G.I Joe, limpek's brader in SG will be in shift so wont be in town. That puahbai... people drive car he drive jet planes wan sibeh song. And get paid shitload doing so. Without him driving limpek around, sure end up lost somewhere in Geylang. Or the new casino.

Somemore tonight already plan to watch the 3rd placing game with the other chikopeks in KL. Getting ready to go out now... but limpek just wanted to drop a message before leaving.

Good luck to all the finalists at the awards, limpek really wish can be there to tumpang glamor with you all. Good luck yu-kym, butterfly, ms.chorlor, chrispytine, pekchek and few others limpek really think should win. All the best and finish up limpek's share of the beer dont waste! And snap more photos of the hot modelling bloggers pls!!

Kam sia

A Match More Important Than World Cup Finals

2010-07-09T18:30:00.002+08:00

Have you heard about the match?

Some rich senile old men arranged to have the most 'exciting' football match ever...

Die Mannschaft

VS

~~ONE~~ 11MALAYSIANS

That's right, you better be excited.
...

And no, that guy there is not the Ramly burger seller at the corner of your neighborhood.

Football Association of Malaysia (FAM) says "... we believe this exposure will cultivate the young talents of Malaysian footballers. Some of whom we personally believe are good enough to be playing in the international field. We are certain from this experience and media coverage, renowned clubs like Chelsea, Barcelona, Intermilan, etc will be swarming to sign in our local talents. We feel that this is the best decision we've ever made in the interest of football fans worldwide and the Malaysian nation."

And then they went on to say "... after studying the formation and strategies that Joachim employs for the German team, we have rather high confidence that the Malaysian team will emerge the winner. By employing quick long-ball tactics, we are certain in gaining the upper hand and win the German team. The real question is, winning by how many goals."

oh wait, here comes the best part...

the miraculous oracle PAUL the prophesying OCTOPUS was consulted to give his input...

and?

we rawkzarrr yawww!!!!

Paul the Octopus picture sent by Tiong Beng... no idea who edited it. Damn good job though!
Sorry FAM, dont sue me pls.

And then there were two

2010-07-08T04:55:00.005+08:00

At least tonight it was worth staying up for...

And finally, down they go... (along with dblchin nyeh nyeh)

So now its the final showdown.

In the end, it will be Spain to kill Netherlands afterall. Limpek can even smell the 64 jugs of beer already. Sorry Oranje, you're going down.

SPAIN FTW!!!

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Tetex at Archidex

2010-07-08T00:01:00.003+08:00

Original pic from Ooi Guan Yi

So last week was Archidex right, the biggest exhibition in Malaysia for building and construction materials. Being a chao uncle contractor it is a tradition for limpek to attend it every year. It’s not like there’s much for limpek to do over there, afterall, every year it’s just the same lanjiao things displayed in a different way.

But being a pretend-engineer / fake specialist limpek at least have to act interested and go look see look see. What? You think there are actually real ‘specialists’ in Malaysia? Why you think so many structures collapse or leak over time? Why for every little project there’s a ton of foreign consultants?

roof can collapse

Malls can burn

Though it helps in Malaysian Tourism... Good spots for cam-whoring

So must always invite limpek's favorite sexy ahlian blogger...

Mamat Zaki Construction Cheat One™

And yet Najib wants to develop nuclear reactor technology. Hohseh... limpek think can say goodbye Malaysia, Singapore, Thailand, Indonesia liao. We shall toast to our colorful future of multiple limb babies and Gojiras crawling about in our drains. Ya, the real Godzillas... not the sexciting batangs. It shall truly be 1southeastasia.... Maybe Rosmah can be queen just because of the sheer size of her head.

Oh, sorry, lets get back to topic before limpek attract too much ISA attention. Sorry gahmen and readers, those were all just lies. No foreign con-sultans, no redundant projects, no nukes and definitely no Rosmah deformed head. She’s as pretty as can be. (limpek just puked a little in my mouth).

Every year limpek will bring this bunch of lazy useless gahmen engineers and consultants to the exhibition. Its not like they’re really interested also, but mention a free day off-office and the free bollocks that they give out in these exhibition, there’s no way these leeches can resist. Throw in a free lunch and they’ll all scramble into your car and maybe even ride on your roof.

Why aren’t they interested? Because these gahmen engineers and their gahmen projects are usually sub-out to private companies anyway. Yet they still need to hire hordes of employees to do nothing but tickle each others’ testicles. Take a wild guess who’s really paying for these testicle tickling sessions? That’s right. But unfortunately it is important to limpek that these projects go back to limpek’s company. Of course, our company being competent or not is the least of concern in these lands. As long as limpek keep massaging their testicles, my building roof can collapse and be featured on the frontpage news it wouldnt even matter. The company can still be awarded to build the national palace next.

TTS... a favorite past-time among Gahmen Works Dept.

So limpek took the usual suspects from their offices and brought them straight to the expo. Barely even an hour into the expo they were already whining about lunch-time and being hungry. Sure, limpek think, while you’re at it why not take my keys and wallet, go drive off and do some shopping. Heck wanna move into my house and sleep on my bed as well?

Limpek took them to a lavish restaurant, and spent them lunch (as usual). The most annoying thing is there’s NEVER any thank yous or indication of appreciation after. They have mastered the act as though it is the most natural thing for me to do (to spend them) like limpek OWES it to them. Sick puahbais.

There is one engineer, a female Malay girl at her early thirties (32-34?), that had always had a thing for limpek. Granted limpek have to pretend like the most charming and generous contractor whenever infront of her & company but for some weird reasons she gets super horny around limpek. Limpek wont deny its kinda flattering, but she’s not like Siti Nurhaliza (younger days) hot or Mizz Nina sexy. She’s kinda… typical looking.

She’s short (barely reach limpek's shoulders) with big eyes and big lips. A little meaty but she has megagantic boobs spilling out all over even with the traditional ‘baju kurung’ Malay gear. Meaty is kinda good... Limpek have no complains for skinny 'raisins on the wall' or meaty 'bah kut teh'... but you know lah what they say, san san jit ki kut, kang hoo kua beh chut. (thin thin one bone, kungfu cannot see) (direct translation fail).

Lina is her name. She doesn’t read blogs (hopefully limpek’s right). Whenever limpek stop by their office or take them out to lunch or dinner, Lina will flirt shameless with limpek. Joking about things like Chinese dick size being small and asking limpek to show her just to prove Gojira…. Or things like claiming she can make limpek shoot 10meters away and strike the walls on the opposite side of her desk. Yeah, shameless flirtings like that even when the other colleagues are around. Usually limpek will be on PR mode and just flirt back harmlessly to keep them happy.

But that day was different. For some reason Lina was being incredibly extra horny. From the moment limpek picked them up, she talked about nothing but sex and lanjiaos! On and on she's going about sex positions la... SM la... tittyjobs la... inserting weird objects la... niaseng even Yu Kym would be embarassed.

In the expo she took limpek’s hand and kepit between her boobs to walk around the exhibition. Limpek had to weasel every way to rescue my arm back. Kanineh! Sibeh beh hiao pai seh! In the car she complained about being tired and started moaning as though she’s having sex. At first everyone thought she was just being funny and laughed it off. But after 15 mins of that shit everyone also realize this siaocharboh ki-hiao until ki-siao liao.

And then she insisted that limpek drop off everyone first, then send her straight home. Way off limpek’s direction! Kaninah, at that point limpek also can sense some bad fengshui coming liao.

Then she started fondling Gojira. WTF!!! There we were, stuck in traffic in the middle of K.L, and this crazy Malay girl in tudung and baju kurung has her hand inside limpek’s pants. Playing with Gojira. Siao liao siao liao...

Of course Gojira couldn’t wait to wake up and roar. Limpek also quite bengang, ask her “ehhh jahat ar you…. What you trying to do! Public ni, Lina!”

She replied, “Want to check your so-called Godzilla mahhh… you kan selalu mengada-ngada tu... Wahhh, wake up already! Somemore want to pretend shy?”

Have to shamefully admit… limpek was quite song that time. Getting a handjob in the middle of town with so many people around us, from a crazy nympho tudung stranger.

Here’s where limpek try to justify myself. Limpek is single, Lina is single, so there’s no hurting anybody. Lina is horny, and if she continues what shes doing, limpek will be horny too. Lina is a high-positioned engineer that can do A LOT of favors for limpek.

Okay. Cibai liao. The excuses doesn’t even sound convincing anymore, does it?

Reach her place already Lina asked limpek “come up and chill la, I live alone, and this place is safe”.

Kanineh. Safe for you la of course. Not safe for Gojira mah.

Wait. Safe? Oh right. JAIS (Islamic religious officers) might just jump our asses and catch us for breaking the close-proximity law. Yes, it’s a ‘crime’ for Muslims in Malaysia to be in close quarters alone in close proximity with the opposite sex. And they can be forced to get married. ‘Khalwat’ is what they call it. But good news for limpek, being Chinese this doesn’t apply to me. Nevertheless she can still get in trouble.

Limpek was thinking, ‘lanjiao la come up chill… come up means today no need exercise already, waist and knee will be tired.’

But Gojira already led limpek halfway up the stairs already HAHAHA.

- fast forwarded -

The sex was pretty disappointing. No BJs, massages, tease or anything. Another dead fish on the bed, expecting limpek to go thru karma sutra myself. The only interesting part was because she's only the second Malay girl limpek has had sex with (non-working girl la, I mean), and the first one who wears a tudung. Limpek asked her to keep her tudung and baju kurung on, because limpek always had a thing for costumes.

Well, tudung and baju kurung arent exactly costumes, but cincai la. Costumes/uniforms are always the best. Limpek had tried nurse, frenchmaid, witch, cheongsam and kimono before with the exs, and it had always been fun. Limpek had always wanted to do it with a girl in tudung, something about barley dangling on the hood of the scart is just exciting. Yes la, sick la, limpek know la.

See what limpek mean?

But... dont end up with this...

But Lina didnt let limpek fire an Olympic load on the tudung. So... no barley on the hood. (sounds like a rap song)

You know that post-orgasm reflections that one always get after sex?

Well... this time around, a sort of cloudy kinda regret is all limpek felt.

Limpek wonder what's wrong...

All, I know is, it just kinda felt like this...

Perhaps they were right...

Casual meaningless sex eats at you slowly over time...

By the time you realize it, there won't be much of you left.

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Netherland 3 : Uruguay 2 KNN CCB

2010-07-07T04:41:00.006+08:00

Kanineh Holland... always pull this kind of shit. Limpek take Holland give 1/2 - 1 ball, 90 minutes oon oon eat bee hoon already thought can win full. Last minute give in an easy goal like that. Ciiibaaaiiiii only win half!!! Reduce rm600 suddenly!! Mah cipet 2 bottles of whiskey down the drain. Somemore limpek buy open small, since holland always play like kiasi liddat. Suddenly turn out 5 goals.. wahpiang!

Just like during game against Slovakia, give 1 ball. 93 minutes already 2-0 oon oon eat bee hoon mah. Fucking 93 minutes 30 something seconds let in goal 2-1. Win nothing. Chaoo ci baiiii!

Then somemore put Brazil out and make limpek lose big time.

The cibai mamak crowd also sibeh nahlan wan. With all those fucking mat rempits mocking, sneering and making noise like fucking monkeys. Limpek also feel like throwing my chapati at them. Wanna cheer, cheer properly la, no need to be such paria fans.

Kanineh Holland really damn kau suey wan. Waste limpek's effort wear orange boxers for good luck. Somemore eat so many oranges now feel like going to cough.

Limpek hope Spain will kill them kau kau.

That is... if Spain can even survive the blardy German Nazis...

Brazil Is Out, World Cup Starts Sucking

2010-07-03T19:00:00.003+08:00

Brazil is gone.... limpek cannot believe it.

along with a month's salary

not that limpek didnt wanna listen to the previous poll, but the results were too spread out (and besides, limpek really love the Brazilian team.) ~~minus cibai filipe melo~~

after watching all the teams play in this World Cup,
limpek still think... they were the best

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Flying Uncle in Stanchart 2010 Marathon

2010-07-02T08:42:00.002+08:00

Limpek was in the Standard Chartered KL Marathon last week. Between training for that and betting and watching the World Cup 16s to final eights, there hardly had been any time to write at all. Plus limpek is still in a limbo over the decision on whether to leave this company or not. Once again, life is full of fhan nao. My apologies for the slow update. However much limpek wish to have all the time in the world to write, sometimes life just doesnt work out the way you want it to.

The Stanchart Marathon was a blast. Limpek really had lots of fun despite the disappointing outcome. With 17500 runners, it was expected to be a success. Limpek only ran in the 10km race although abit beh song cause alot of auntie-uncles, kids and teens also can run the 42km or 21km race. Heck, if tuapui Kenny Sia can run 42km, limpek dont see why limpek's sexy fit and steady body cannot do the same distance in half his time. Thanks to all the cibai ciggarettes and beer, make limpek slowly become fat pua pi kia.

Limpek only managed to log 52 minutes. Ranking also cannot get into top 50. Puahbai. Way off the target of 45 minutes. The 1st place runner only 30+ minutes. Kaninah during the last 3/4 of the race, limpek already saw them running towards the finish line. See liao also beh kam muan.

Worst of all, limpek lost to a good friend from Singapore. We call him G.I Joe. Although G.I Joe was once involved in the elite military force oversea, these few years he had been pretty much drinking his liver away. The last time limpek go club with him, he alone can finish 2 bottles of whiskey. Kaninah... sibeh sampat this kind of guy. 2 litres of whiskey still can stand oon-oon. Limpek 1 bottle also can feel the gugujiao shrink into caterpillar size already. Own mother also probably cannot recognize.

G.I Joe clocked in 50 minutes. Season runners will know that 2 minutes difference is like heaven and earth. Heck, in that 2 minutes, G.I Joe can finish cooking ramen while waiting for limpek to arrive.

First km usually very hard to run properly because all the auntie uncles will be blocking your way. Thousands of them, so you have to run zig-zag like playing Pac Man. So at the first km, limpek try to sneak past them unnoticed from the far side, so they wont even know limpek long gone already. It worked with most of them, Cliffard, Tobby, Tiong Beng, Weeman and neighbor Sean all didnt see. But this blardy G.I Joe saw me and quickly chase. First km he past by limpek, and the very next time limpek saw him was at finish line already. Kanineh. Puahbai!

But at least still beat the rest of the chikopeks. Most of them run like old aunties with menopause, might as well just walk. Sibeh lau kui... hahaha! But okaylah, out of thousands of runners, at least they still maintain under top 100.

The track was around KL, with pretty good scenery. There was a lot of chio gers also! Limpek thought marathon all will be aunties like Chew Mei Fun type, only know how to walk and pok-pek-pok-pek, but turns out alot of fit fit young gers. Seeing them in their tight tops and sports bra, and their butts keat-keat carved out by the spandex, Limpek was very scared Gojira will suddenly wake up. Kanineh, can you imagine, run halfway Gojira stretch out far far, wahpiang, it will be like running and swinging a golf stick at the same time.

So limpek tried to focus instead on one very keat old uncle infront of limpek. The old keat uncle also got very kaulat butt actually. But Gojira doesnt get amused with uncles.

Limpek run until song-song already around 6km suddenly see got high-school cheerleaders at the roadside giving motivation. They jump-jump like sibeh happy, the nehneh also bounce-bounce like sibeh steady. Its like swinging tao-foo in thin plastic bags. Kaninaaa... limpek have to quickly pry my eyes off. If not limpek will automatically run towards them instead. Straightaway limpek have to parking Gojira again just in case he ki-hiao and decide to stretch. Limpek re-parking to 12 o'clock, so even if he stretch out to guailan, its still hidden under shirt. Blardy cheerleaders... sabo limpek.

Kilometer 7, wah cibai go up hill all the way. Limpek also didnt expect got steep hill wan. At halfway limpek really boh-ki already, wanted to take out ciggarette and sit by the roadside. Then can smoke there and look at the nice view of KL from hilltop. Wahaha sibeh enjoy sia...

This fat uncle sibeh ho-seh

Then limpek remember didnt bring ciggarette... exactly because to avoid moments like this! Kanineh boh huat, go back to running lor.

At kilometer 8.5, limpek's black lungs already pumping and puffing overheated liao. Feels like the tar on the lung also going to disattach itself. Kaninah the music on ipod also one loop already, meaning running late thanks to the stupid hill. Limpek was trying to cope with the situation, suddenly hear loud breathing like Japanese porno coming towards nearer and nearer.

Zoom! Suddenly see cipet brother Cliffard run pass limpek! Somemore he give the gugujiao look, like sibeh guai-lan, and purposely swing-swing his shoulders like dancing Cha Cha. Wah kanineh that kind of face you see also want to whack!

I know you are staring at the wrong places...

then who would've thought...

=========================

=========================

=========================

Turns out his last burst of nitrous actually empty tank already wan (apart from him being distracted by some flashing sports panties). By 9km limpek was already right behind his ass. He noticed limpek close up already, tried to fire up a few more times with big steps. Wahaha but limpek see no difference also... he become like those modified Kancil with exhaust pipe as big as your leg - sibeh fucking loud but the car cannot move.

So limpek follow his slow pace to save up energy. Then by 9.5km, limpek's turn to tekan nitrous. Limpek zoom passed him and gave him back the Cha-Cha shoulders. HAHAHA. He probably end up frustrated at the back, running with tears streaming down like the Japanese football team. Thanks to hot pink skirt runner!

Reach finish line liao limpek see puahbai G.I Joe already there. Somemore purposely standing there acting bored with extra cup of 100plus for limpek. Sweat also dry already.

kaaannnineeehhhhhhh tulan....

so limpek quickly go get an extra cup of 100plus, stand there pretend to look bored and wait for Cliffard.

HAHAHA.

The beh song look on his face at that exact moment is worth the whole 10km torture. Then Cliffard also boh kam muan go and get extra cup of 100plus and wait for the next chikopek to arrive.

But wait punya wait, neighbor Sean also didnt arrive. Limpek we all wait until sien.

Then suddenly heard a familiar voice behind us...

PUAHBAI!! Hahaha! He really think we all blurfuck like sotong. He purposely go one big round around us to the water stands and then come up behind us. Then pretend to have been there for a long time waiting for us already.

But nabeh we see him still panting like just kena chased by dog, and the shirt was completely drenched with sweat. Straightaway know he just arrived. Sean, got timer wan la, you gong cipet!

p/s: End of this month, limpek will be running for the BHP Orange Run around Damansara Curve 11km. Besides that, limpek will be joining the next Standard Chartered Marathon in Singapore! Sounds like alot of fun.

My condolences to friends and families of the runner who passed away from the KL marathon, may he rest in peace.

Also, here's a bet limpek cant make up my mind. Many guys think Holland hasnt rise up to their full potential and if they do tonight, Brazil will be in trouble (especially if Brazil give ball somemore). But from the matches limpek watched so far, Holland play so-so only compare to Brazil sibeh power kaulat. But Brazil will be without Ramires & Elano which is a big deal. All limpek's chikopek friends will be betting on Holland eat ball, but limpek really cant make up my mind. Also, limpek just want to put poll again. So, limpek will bet depending on the poll la okay, thanks

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A Goldfish Blog Tech Support Director Named Seefatt Chang

2010-06-25T17:58:00.004+08:00

By now it should be quite obvious that when it comes to hi-tech or fancy things computers can do, limpek is completely kanasai. Granted, limpek know how to use photoshop because last time always edit friends' pictures to make them naked and fuck animals, and then send the pics to their girlfriends. Besides, limpek had a girlfriend last time always asking to help edit her pics. "Make me pweetty! Make me pweeettyy!" she'd say. Limpek also find that adorable.

After limpek help edit her eyes big big, nose sharp sharp, face oval, lips like sausage, boobs add 2 cup sizes then she will be sibeh happy. Sometimes can even get free blowjobs (the type that wont kena trap to return favors wan). Its a very good deal isnt it? Photoshop = Blowjob. Like the Food = Work scam. So limpek's photoshop can consider mai hiam beh pai.

But when it comes to blogging and all the tools limpek see on other blogs, limpek see liao also tao hin hin. Limpek always feel as though HTML = Hi-Tech mat lan? So limpek just stick with the simple things I know, compose and publish. And try not to accidentally click on other buttons.

Well the reason limpek mention this is because limpek had actually always kept a secret weapon for the blog. Goldfishuncle website actually has special tech-support headed by one Mr. Seefatt Chang (or Chang Backside). Seefatt works for a very tualiap international company as some big time head in tech department. The reason we call him Seefatt Chang is because he's 35 years old and we suspect he's still a virgin. So we then further suspect maybe he's just into playing male backside but too afraid to come out closet. What else can you suspect on a decent looking 35 year old virgin atheist pulling 10k per month?

Besides, his name really sounds like backside.

Seefatt Chang is the bestest geek among all limpek's friends. So when it comes to hi-tech or computer stuff, limpek really cant think of anyone else. In fact, if not for Seefatt Chang limpek would never have this blog going. Everything computer related also limpek ask him,

"Seeefattttt!! blue screen leh wtf!!!"

"Seefatt Chang!! why my computer keep auto-shutdown?!"

"Seeeefaatttt! why cannot open Gutter uncensored site!?!"

"Seefattlou, how to download pirate photoshop!!?"

"Seeefatt Chang, why all my files disappear?!"

and all these he will sort out for limpek and try to explain to limpek although very much in vain. Then theres the times he helped out with the blog...

"Seefattlou, limpek want to start blog la... how ar?"

"Go to blogspot.com... set up account first, read the tutorial and follow, very obvious wan..."
*Click dooo.... (Seefattt has the phone hanging up skills too)

"Seefatttttt, how come limpek blog entry save liao nothing come out?! Cannot be, limpek's skill sure anything can come out!! Must whack harder?"

"Gimme your username, password..."

"Ehhh...later you go in my email and send my sextape to gutter uncensored how?"

"Change password now la"

"Ohh..ok..."

after 3 mins

"You stupid cibai, why you type in 'HTML'?"

"Tee e-mail? why would I type letter to Tee e-mail?"

"H-T-M-L! Nvm... you see the button next to title, there's 'Edit HTML' and another 'Compose'?"

"Ohh ok ok i see..."

"You type your entry in Compose la! Not HTML! HTML is for code! To write scripts! The 'compose' is an efficient program to let you write in simple forms and it will automatically translate it into html code. At the end, you need to publish, not just save the post! In other words, you publish your HTML code!"

"......."

"understand boh?"

"....wear...coat?"

"nvm, just type in 'compose' and then publish"

*Click doooo......

"Seefattchangggg, eh limpek want to have a sub-page at the side ar, to do movie reviews wan. How ar?"

"What the fuck you mean? What side review page?"

"Nehh... like a tab at the side bar right, to lead to another page where limpek does movie reviews"

"You watch alot of movies meh?"

"Ya la kanineh, limpek's pirate DVD collection more than your porn collection man!"

"Impossible. I have 60GB of porn in a dedicated harddrive."

".... "

".... "

"... gayporn?"

*Click Dooo....

after calling back

"Oi Seefatt! dont like that! How to do the subpage?"

"I dont understand how you want it la. Tell you what, you go look around other blogs if you see something like what you want, send me the link. Then I'll write the script for you"

"Ok chio! I think I saw before in Xiaxue's blog!"

*Click Doooo...

(Turns out XX's blog dont have. Until now still havent find what limpek wanted, thats why the pirate dvd review tab is still so kanasai)

"Seefattguai! Limpek want to run polls in blog... how ar?"

"Walaoeh brother, why you so dinasour? Click on customize, add a tab at the side, there's already pre-set poll programs by blogspot mahhh..."

"No no no, limpek want the poll inside the post entry!"

"Ohh... no problem. Just go to Micropolls.com. Sign up account, create your poll, copy the code, paste on your Edit HTML"

"....Arr? coat? hi tech mat lan again?"

"Sigh. Ok you create account first"

"Ok done"

"Now log into Micropolls and create your poll. Then copy the code"

"Okay... done! You said, copy hami coat ar?"

"The poll, after you set it up, can convert it into a script, a code!"

"..... hami ar?"

"Gimme your username password."

"Aimeh? What if later you go find my sextape and post it in gutter uncensored?"

"Sigh. Change your password then."

"Ohh okay"

after that Seefatt created the poll for limpek, convert it into a code, logged into limpek's blogger account, edit limpek's post, put the code there, and publish it for limpek. Wahpiang! This is what you call Class A Sibeh Steady Pompipi Tech Support even Microsoft cannot offer!

After that Seefatt taught limpek how to post the poll step by step, so limpek now like poll expert, sibeh hua hee. Feels like the first caveman who discovered fire, want to shout in glory "FIRE!! FIRE!! HOO HAA HOO HA!!" and then go burn down all the cavewomen's leaf skirts. So thats why lately you see alot of polls in limpek's entry and limpek intend to keep posting polls until discovering the next fancy tool!

Here's the first chance to use it. Last week after the suey post limpek got alot of feedbacks from friends regarding their own recent suey-siao-ness.

Weeman: My hair-loss problem recently became worse. I have to upgrade to taking this medicine thing that actually messes with my hormones. It drastically reduces my testosterone, so its almost like cutting my balls off. So, for the sake of more hair, I have to sacrifice my libido. Limpeh only 29 fucking years old. But Soi Lek twice my age also twice more hamsap than me. Later when I get more hair, finally get a girlfriend, want to fuck that time suddenly gugujiao cannot stand... HOW!? Ask her to play with my hair whole night?! U tell limpeh la!

Compensating for what's no longer there with something that's finally there.

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Dumbo: Two weeks ago I go Cham'pain' KTV near Imbi with clients. Then order the nasilemak girl. That time very drunk and high already so she ask me go toilet 'kongket'. She wanted to blow me, but that place the nasilemak girls not so clean based on feedback so I dont dare let her suck. Then she somemore keep grabbing my penis until my balls want to explode already. So of course I beh tahan, taruk her kuat-kuat in the toilet la. Wear condom la of course, cleanliness always first mah. Wah she is like an animal like that so wild, so limpek also become animal lagi wild. Finally after I shoot one Olympic load, I pull out and what I see?

piaaakkkkk....

What? Don't get it?

Okay fine since your thinking so 'kan dan limpek will borrow children's cartoon to explain in very kan dan way.

what happens when condom breakage test got no ISO.

I straightaway cannot stand properly. Feel like want to faint. Go home I scrub my penis with Listerine, wahlao! sibeh pain brother, you know!? Next day straight away go hospital medical checkup. Wah knnccb if limpek kena infect anything....si liao si liao... i really can go die liao. Then the doctor told me after 3 months only can confirm got HIV anot. Wahlaoehh Lao Tien ar!!! This lately the wife keep on wanting to fuck, limpek suddenly insist use condom. I think she also start to get suspicious! Until limpek have to give excuse say the condom makes me less sensitive so can last longer. Wah cibai end up everytime have to tahan 10 mins longer! LAO TIEN ARRR!!!!

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Cliffard: In World Cup so far, limpeh lost RM100k already. Yesterday, wife ask me, dear, when are you buying my car? wait very long already. I almost want to cry and tell her, dear, the bookie take all our money already.

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The entry is dedicated to limpek's great tech-support Mr. Seefatt Chang for being the best geek ever! Regardless if you're into gayporn! May you finally get laid this year and receive an ang pow for opening ceremony. You can leave your email contact on the comments, who knows maybe some passerby loves popping geeky cherry. Or else you can take limpek's offer and pop it with awesome xiaolongnu!

Nabeh, SG Blog Awards interview feels like beauty pageant

2010-06-23T02:48:00.004+08:00

Those crazy fellas asked limpek a bunch of nonsense for the blog awards thing interview. Nabeh, limpek answer until tao hin hin. Somemore have to double check if not later Engrand zhao cui very embarassing.

Below was the interview limpek replied. The images were added on after la of course:

======================================

Come, Uncle Bring You Go See Goldfish / Goldfish Uncle

http://goldfishuncle.blogspot.com/

1. Tell us about yourself in 50 words.

Limpek is Goldfish Uncle. Goldfish Uncle is the uncle offering you lollipop to follow him go see goldfish. But nobody knows if he really got goldfish. Or just something that smells like fish. Oldfolks say, don’t follow strangers! But how you know he really got no goldfish? Fish or no fish, limpek succeed to fill in 50 words as required. (ons la!)

2. How long have you been blogging and why did you start blogging?

Very long of course. But back then limpek got no computer. So limpek blog by talking in the kopitiam to whichever stranger passing by. Sometimes stray dogs. Now got computer, no need waste so much money on the ever increasing price kopi. So plus plus minus minus also got 6048000 seconds of logged blogging. Real blogging in the kopitiam, almost 20 years. Jealous leh. Why start blogging? Lonely, want to talk. Want to find birdbirds of a feather. Want to chiko many hot ger. Want OMY to send limpek go HK find xiaolongnus.

Blogging was easy in the 90s...

3. How do you feel as one of the finalists in the Singapore Blog Awards? What do you think is your chance of winning?

Absolutely 500% because last time got one sai-kong (priest) say limpek with this kind of dragon eyebrow is sure born winner. The ahbeng selling illegal lottery also always tell me that. So limpek believe him and keep buying. But winning the Blog Award is slightly different. That one limpek’s actuarial science friend calculate say got 10% chance. But limpek will try hard to chiko the hot ger judges, like Anna Lim, then maybe can increase to 12%. If cannot, then become finalist also sibeh happy mah… got few new readers.

4. Who do you think are the strongest bloggers in the category you are nominated for and why?

Strongest blogger of course is limpek lah. Limpek can run 10km in 45minutes, they cannot. Limpek can benchpress 70kg, they cannot. Don’t think limpek beer belly fat fat like very useless, just last week the xiao long nu keep telling limpek “Yes! Very hard! Very strong! I love you!”. You say la, who strongest? Ms Judge Anna Lim, want to see limpek’s mouse in the bicep?

i know you liikeee...

5. What would you like to say to your blog readers and those who voted and supported you?

Limpek want to say my dear 5-6 readers/supporters are the best in the world because limpek type and type with all my heart and got people bother to come and read and keep uncle not so lonely. If not limpek really start to think limpek is the only one who cannot fit in the crazy world. Then will have to start talking to the neighbor’s cat and will end up running around naked in the streets one day. Limpek love my readers so much that limpek will shave my balls for them, regardless if limpek win.

6. What is your most controversial blog post and why?

Limpek blog no controversy. Why must purposely create controversy? Later gahmen want you to ki si. Society also boh happy. Limpek oo hami dio kong hami. But don’t know why everytime talk about penis then everybody hua hee. Make the hits jump until sibeh steady.

Why so many people interested in didi? Is the vagina is boh heng already? Siao la you all limpek think should see doctor get mental theraphy. Look see look see, limpek kaulat steady, can rhyme like Jay-Z.

7. Have you ever gotten into trouble or got rewarded for blogging? Elaborate.

No trouble! Trouble comes, blame the dog. Like, when accidentally fart in front of hot ger, faster scold the dog! Reward? My readers is number one reward! Muah muah XOXOHENESSY. Remember people, zhor lang ai hua hee! Become human must be happy!

dog also ki-siao (pic from google.)

Limpek show housemate John my interview reply because his Engrand is supposed to be chim-chim...

he only shake his head and say "Kaninah... like that how to win"

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A Hero Named Vijay

2010-06-22T02:13:00.001+08:00

Limpek just wanted to share a funny conversation that limpek heard on air last saturday. It was Hitz FM, JJ and Ean were taking calls from public regarding the most embarrassing things caller's parents had exposed to the caller's friends. There were a bunch of boring lame stories like getting chased by turkey or whatever at the begining, and limpek almost wanted to switch channels already.

Then this guy, Vijay, called. Limpek will try to relate the whole conversation to you but bear in mind it was a couple of days ago so details might be slightly off.

According to JJ and Ean, Vijay was 40. So they were quite excited assuming that a guy that age must've had something good to tell. Limpek was only half paying attention that time because these DJs tend to go on and on about things sometimes.

This is a family-friendly radio station

Vijay : When I was a little boy, about 3-4 years old, my mother used to bathe me. Apparently I was very sensitive to temperature changes, and whenever it gets a little hotter or colder, my -BEEP- will be standing straight up.

JJ & Ean: HAHAHAH

Vijay: Ya, and my mother will tell all my friends about this...

JJ: HAHHAHAHA

Ean: Dude, your mom talks about that kinda stuff, that's just creepy dude!

Vijay: Ya, so whenever my -BEEP- kena cold or hot water, it will go straight up. And it will actually be standing for a very long time. Apparently It was very sensitve. That's what my mother will say.

JJ & Ean: WAAHAHAHAHA

Vijay: But nowadays... it's just not as sensitive as before. (*caught a slight note of sadness there)

JJ & Ean: WAHAHAHAHA (these buggers just kept laughing only)

Ean: Dude, dude! Did your mom tell everyone this story on your wedding day?

Vijay: Ya.... That is exactly why my wife decided to marry me that day

HAHAHAHA. Vijay is the hero of the day. Someone with that kind of wit and humor should be a DJ.

===================================================================

Anyway, last week limpek posted about a very suey day and actually receive a few mails from readers and feedbacks from friends regarding their even more suey days. Limpek will try to get those posted up soon because they were really sibeh funny. Hearing about others suey-siaoness is always relieving for both sides so that life doesnt get too hard on you. Its all about learning to laugh at ourselves isnt it? And then laugh back at life.

But anyhow, limpek have had more lemons thrown my way these lately. And might end up have to resign from my job very soon. With no future plans mapped out yet. Limpek is quite in a fix and lost in thoughts. Can say limpek currently is like the guy didnt wear underwear and didnt pay attention after peeing so end up zipping up on his gugubird. And limpek is the gugubird. Foreskin halfway stuck in zipper already bleeding like hell. Want to pull zipper down will be like double cutting the skin. Continue pull up can also say goodbye to foreskin. In other words, jialat.

This has gotten to limpek quite heavily and blogging to keep the spirit of 'hua-hee-dio-hor' tends to get difficult at times like these. Someone smart once told limpek, "share your sunshine but hide your demons". So limpek will deal with the demon myself.

But anyway limpek just googled 'caught in zipper' and people actually wrote a medical article about it. Quite amazing.

From http://www.ncemi.org/cse/cse1113.htm

11.13 Zipper Caught on Penis or Chin

Presentation

Usually a child has gotten dressed too quickly and not wearing underpants, accidentally pulled up penile skin into his zipper. The skin becomes entrapped and crushed between the teeth and the slide of the zipper, thereby painfully attaching the article of clothing to the body part involved (most often the penis or less often the area beneath the chin).

What to do:

Paint the area with a small amount of povidone-iodine and infiltrate the skin with 1% lidocaine (plain). This will allow the comfortable manipulation of the zipper and the article of clothing.
Cover the area with mineral oil. This lubricates the moving parts and often frees the skin without having to cut the zipper.
If the mineral oil alone does not work, then cut the zipper away from the article of clothing to leave yourself with a less cumbersome problem.
Cut the slide of the zipper in half with a pair of metal snips or an orthopedic pin cutter. The patient is less likely to be frightened if this procedure is kept hidden from his view. If you are unable to break the two halves of the zipper slide apart using a metal cutter, then take two heavy duty surgical towel clamps and place their tongs into the side grooves at both ends of the slide. then grip one clamp firmly in each hand and then twist your wrists in opposite directions. This often will pop the two halves of the zipper slide apart, releasing the entrapped skin.
Pull the exposed zipper teeth apart, cleanse the crushed skin, and apply an ointment such as povidone-iodine.
Tetanus prophylaxis should be administered as needed.

What not to do:

Do not cut clothing if mineral oil releases the zipper.
Do not destroy the entire article of clothing by cutting into it. You only need to cut the zipper away allowing repair of the clothing.
Do not excise an area of skin or perform a circumcision; it onlv creates unnecessary morbidity for the patient.

Discussion

Newer plastic zippers have made this problem less common than in the past, but it still occurs, and it is a very grateful patient who is released from this entrapment.

References:

Nolan JF, Stillwell TJ, Sands JP: Acute management of the zipper-entrapped penis. J Emerg Med 1990;8:305-307.
Kanegaye JT, Schonfeld N: Penile zipper entrapment: a simple and less threatening approach using mineral oil. Pediatric Emergency Care 1993;9:90-91.

This has got to be one of the few biggest trauma limpek had during kindergarten. Baby Gojira that time kena zip up and blood was spilling everywhere. Limpek cry like shit thinking doctor will have to cut off Gojira liao. Then somemore limpek's mother that time dont know what to do, go and call our neighbors for help. And then call her sisters (limpek's aunts). Kaninah they all form one circle around limpek and discussed what to do while limpek in the middle bleeding and screaming and crying for Baby Gojira. Abit like Lord of The Rings, nabeh... Fellowship of the Zipped Penis.

End up limpek's favorite kiddy jeans was cut until small small pieces. Only two pieces of cloth and the zipper left. Kaninah as if butterfly wings grow on Baby Gojira. Then when they pull each cloth apart limpek remember screaming as though Baby Gojira will be gone forever.

Until today still can shiver when think about it.

When Life Throws Lemons At You, Give It The Finger (and then get over it)

2010-06-16T19:45:00.002+08:00

A series of unfortunate events on a supposedly typical Tuesday morning.

Limpek's boss was complaining last week because limpek has been late a few times to work. So this week, limpek put extra effort into waking up earlier rather than wasting the ten minutes humping the bolster. Monday was great as limpek actually arrived to the office before any other staff. Tuesday was going great to, timing all ngam ngam already.

Limpek finish my typical morning coffee and ciggie and got into the car. Phone, wallet, ciggie, checked. Time to roll. Turn up the volume, insert car key, turn...

KEK KEK KEK.... spurt spurt..

Hamik!?!?

Turned key again,

KEK KEK... spurt.

....

battery is dead

fuck me.

Limpek checked if anything was left on overnight, but not a single thing. Besides, it has been taking slightly longer to start the engine these lately so limpek kinda guess its the battery that's almost konk. Or the alternator.

There goes limpek's streak of early attendance. Limpek figured I might as well call the boss to inform him so at least he knows that limpek already woke up and didnt just overslept like always.

Limpek : “Morning Boss, I think I’m gonna be late today” (very pek-chek because cant use ‘limpek’)

Boss : “Why?”

Limpek : “My car battery is dead la, cannot start”

Boss : “Really? Last night’s game very nice is it?”

Limpek : “Har? What you mean Boss?”

Boss : “Car cannot start or watch World Cup until cannot wake up?”

Limpek : “Nolar Boss! I didn’t even watch last night’s game!”

Boss : “Are you sure? Car can suddenly not able to start after a nice football match wan eh?”

Limpek : “Walaoeh Boss! You ownself listen…”

*cranks engine. Engine went KEK KEK KEK…silence.*

Limpek : “See?”

Boss : “Sounds like your battery is dead”

Limpek : “Erm… that’s what I said”

Boss : “Then just change or charge battery it doesn’t take much time. Don’t have to take the day off”

Limpek : “Erm… I didn’t say I wanted to take the day off”

Boss : “ … “

Limpek : “ … ”

Boss : “ … “

Limpek : “ ..hello?”

Boss : “You very smart hor?”

Limpek : “Huh?!” (wtf?)

Boss : “I’m busy now don’t disturb me. Hurry up and get it done and get back to work”

Limpek : “Yes boss. Will this be- “

Click Doooooo. Hangup already.

Apparently boss belongs to the generation of chinamen who doesn’t believe in saying “goodbye” or closure in conversations. A lot of the older generations tend to do that. Limpek’s own father used to do that.

“Tomorrow come for dinner.” Click Dooooooo…

“Yes there’s a mail for you in my office.” Click Dooooooo…

“Okay.” Click Doooooo…

“No, can’t make it.” Click Dooooo…

“Umm..” Click Dooooo…

No wonder limpek’s mental abit imbalance. Whole life have to layan these kinda people. Wanna curse somemore cannot, later got puahbai blogger say limpek no substance.

Boh pian lor, limpek borrow car from neighbor Sean (pronounced SHAWN. Not si-en). Sean everyday late for work wan, so he steady pom-pi-pi lend limpek, no problem for him at all.

Limpek go nearby gas station, they don’t sell car batteries. Somemore the makcik asked limpek, got Yamaha motor batteries wanna buy anot. Limpek if got mood will ask the makcik, buy the motor wan to electricute my nipples issit? But no mood so didn’t bother hiu her stupid question. Maybe she just want to hiao with limpek.

End up have to drive 2km away to chao ah beng service center. Those with a lot of Proton that look like transformers wan. Some even have transformer stickers. Kanineh ugly like fuck. If Optimus Prime transform into a car like that, limpek think he will commit suicide first. Straight away go long piak. The cibai spoiler wing can stack 3-4 layers wan, maybe to use to dry clothes.

"Transformers, more than meets the eye"

This kind of ah beng foreman, sure chop your neck and bleed you dry. Limpek also boh pian, because its nearest one already. Ah beng foreman test the battery, not yet 1 minute straight away tell limpek battery cannot save already. Kanineh limpek also knew beforehand what kind of bullshit he going to say.

“You haven’t even charge the battery, how you know it cannot hold a charge anymore?”

Ah beng junior look flustered. Then ah beng junior went to look for ah beng senior. Ah beng senior come and tell limpek.

“En-tao eh, this one our new gadget, can tell current condition of battery wan. You see the meter, if fall below this line ha, meaning is unnatural already. Meaning cannot be saved already”

Limpek also don’t know how to argue with him. Actually quite sien and tired to argue early in the morning also. For what you know, that could be a bicycle tyre pump meter.

“Aiya you like that say limpek also can’t say anything lor. How much is a new battery?”

“En-tao eh, new one got 2 types. Water ones and dry ones. Dry ones RM260.00… Water on-“

“PPBHHHHTT!!!! WHOA!!! TWO HUNDRED SIXTY!!??” (limpek almost spit out breakfast coffee)

“Yes, yes en-tao-eh, RM260 dry one. Water one RM200 only.”

“WHY SO EXPENSIVE!!! BATTERY ONLY LA!! People sell AA battery or AAA battery few ringgit, you sell car battery RM260?! You don’t suan siao limpek ok!”

“En-tao-eh, car battery memang like that wan. You don’t believe you go ask next door foreman. They will tell you the same. You can buy the water one, but gerenti very fast spoil. Not worth it. Spend extra 50 ringgit, maybe will last 5 months more! Not like girl liddat, got water always better!”

What an incredible sales pitch. "Not like girl liddat, got water always better". Limpek was impressed for a moment.

Actually he was right. Over at Canada and States, limpek used to buy around USD50 for a car battery also. Converted to ringgit, RM260 isnt too surprising. But the problem is over there you earn USD4-5k. Over here you also earn RM4-5k. How? Hongkan lor how. Furthermore the battery usually lasts 3-4 years over there. This shit limpek had, only lasted 1 year 1 month. Somemore this one he’s selling is some weird unknown China brand.

“Don’t worry en-tao-eh. Now we got special offer. Buy 2 free 1. You buy 2 then we pasang the free one. 3 years no need worry”

Siao boh?! Take 3 battery for what? Charge lampahzi one for each ar? Limpek think he thought limpek is big stupid fish. Kanineh what kind of stupid promotion is this, don’t know who go and think up. Want to copy Coffee Bean buy 10 free 1. Mah cipiet!

“Don’t want la. Buy so many batteries, scared world will end ah?”

“Eh, en-tao-eh, don’t like that say, you never know ohh”

Kanineh, he’s right again. On two things. Calling me en-tao and the world might actually be ending. Puahbai senior beng is actually quite a smart fellow.

After paying the damn RM260 limpek quickly rushed home to install the battery. After swapping it limpek only thought about it. What if that bugger was really bluffing and the old battery was actually okay but only drained? And what if limpek’s alternator is the one that is fucked? Meaning cannot recharge the battery. Then this battery will hold for 1 trip and will be killed permanently after that!

But no choice liao. Sean has to leave for work liao. And boss sent another message reminding limpek of the important site evaluation before noon. So limpek say prayers Amitabha, Amen, Insya Allah and hopefully 3 religions will po-pi limpek.

Being late and feeling good about the current engine response, limpek ‘lup’ the pedal and fly my baby to work. Traffic is quite clear (because limpek super fucking late already and its past peak hours) so limpek just keep flying on only.

But something keeps bothering limpek, don’t know why feel like forgot to do something. Think and think also limpek cannot remember.

Then reach the cut-throat toll gate, limpek take-out the Smart Tag, saw an empty sticker on it. Quite curious also, obviously limpek wanted to remind myself of something but didn’t scribble anything on the sticker. Went in the toll gate then only limpek realize.

Supposed to reload credit on the Touch N Go card this morning cause only 20cents left. Hong kan. Too late.

Obviously the gate didn’t magically raise, limpek even almost crash through it. Limpek always fuck those stupid people holding up the Smart Tag lanes in the highway, who would’ve known today it will be limpek’s turn to become stupid.

Worse still, already got 2-3 jokers lining up behind limpek. Wanna gostan change lane also cannot. So limpek frantically press the alarm button on the booth machine, wanting someone to at least let limpek through and park aside.

Then this cibai Nissan van behind limpek keep honking. At first he randomly honked. Limpek kancheong already then keep pressing the toll-booth alarm which no one responded. All the toll officials busy tickling each others testicles issit? Cant even answer alarm!

Then the cibai Nissan van start to honk in melody. Like, honk honk…. honk honk honk….. honk honk honk honk…… honk hoooonkkkkk….. Somemore tarik the last honk. Kaninah limpek also beh tahan this bugger.

Tekan tekan alarm, STILL NO ANSWER! Then this time the van ki siao already, straight away tarik a 3 second hooonnnnkkkk….. followed by another 3 second hoooonnkkk….

Wah limpek really blood also boil. Limpek look behind, knn ccb, all the cars behind the van is gone. So the van can easily reverse and turn to next lane! Limpek tulan liao straight away give them Chivas Royal Salute

After that, all hell break loose. Cibai van straight away go crazy. Honk non-stop 6-7 seconds. Then followed by similar honks one after another. Limpek kek until the vein in the forehead also want to pop out already. Plus the stupid toll cibai officers still don’t want to respond.

At one point the van just pressed the horn and didn't let go.

Can feel the fuse letup already in the head. So limpek grab the pipe kept under the carpet and step out of the car. Then limpek stare at the van. Only then limpek realize inside the van got 4 indon-looking buggers! Somemore quite big size!

HAI LAT limpek thought. So many! Although limpek think limpek quite hero like Ip Man, but realistically, with 4 of them the pipe will probably end up inside limpek’s asshole and out the mouth.

Limpek really tulan until can explode at that point, but still hoping not all of them will step out of car. 1 or 2 enough already. If not, all of them come together, limpek got 10 pipes also no use. So limpek just stand outside my car and stare at the driver. The cipet driver also just stare at limpek inside his van. But at least now he stop honking liao. Kanineh passerby will think this is two lovers staring into each others eyes.

Then the stupid toll officers finally come out and ask for the Smart Tag. The cibai van suddenly let out a honk, swerve to the next lane and drive past us. At the point of passing limpek, they purposely slow down.

Then gave limpek a nice farewell present.

wow.

Never had limpek been fingered so much that it felt like a Japanese gang-bang AV. Suddenly feel abit like Annabel Chong.

KNN CCB!!! Pukitiang! of course limpek tulan until like going to explode any minute! Like those pimple super cooked already, swollen and red and filled with pus. A bit of dust will make it explode.

The stupid toll officer somemore don’t know mumble what fuck, do things slow slow there. By the time they reload limpek’s Touch N Go card, and then reactivate the toll gate, limpek think the Van reach all the way to Thailand already. Wahpiang! Limpek believe can see smoke coming out from my ear.

Then nevermind, forget it, go office first already super late. Supposed to meet with boss there to go site together. Reach the office, boss already left cause running late for the appointment. Limpek call boss, kena fuck again. Boss ask limpek quickly go because some urgent drawings with me.

So limpek packed all the required material and documents, lockup office room and was about to leave. Suddenly feel stomach something wrong. Walaoeh…

Most likely too many Ramly Burgers while watching football yesterday night (yes limpek did watch). Somemore it’s the 4-star kind of funny stomach, that kind if you’re not careful will explode suddenly. But at least not 5-star. If 5-star funny stomach, can forget it and go bomb toilet liao.

But limpek calm down and try to think straight. Slowly load the stuff in the car and soothe my nerves. After some mental meditation, things start to look better and more peaceful.

So limpek start the car.

KEK kek kek kek…. spurt spurt.

...

Tried one more time… KEK KEK… spurt.

Murphy’s Fucking Law. Whatever that can go wrong, will go wrong.

How? Alternator fucked. RM260 for nothing. Meeting late. No transport.

Limpek got no choice but to inform boss what’s going on.

“Hello boss?”

“Ya, what now??”

“My car… cannot start again. I think the alternator is de-”

Click Doooooo….

(When life throws lemons at you, give it the finger and then get over it)

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Long Post If Got D Cup. But Now Short Post Because Of World Cup!

2010-06-14T02:50:00.000+08:00

Its world cup season. So give limpek a chance to watch football. Although to be honest, limpek dont really care too much about football. But limpek see the chikopeks everyday bet football, win here win there, like money so easy to earn. Win thousands of ringgit each night, but go out that time never see them buy limpek drinks. Puahbai assholes. Limpek somemore have to lick balls and let contractors fuck until sun goes down only can smell that kind of money.

SMELL only.

Because after deduct all the shit we have to pay the gahmen (worst investment ever), and then deduct all the bills and credit card, then maybe only armpit hair is left.

Oh yes, by the way, we do PAY the gahmen taxes, yes? So how come they treat us like we work for them instead?

So limpek trying to learn more football and try win money. There's an office pool with limpek's chikopek friends involved also. Everybody gets to pick one team to win the Cup. Limpek picked Spain. If Spain wins the World Cup, limpek will win 64 jugs of beer. Wahlaoeh puahbai! Thats like, 3 months supply of free happy hour liao! Sibeh steady!

Then if got this ger to come serve the free beer.... WAH STEADY!!!

disclaimer: pic found in google. Limpek's ger friends not so steady

Actually limpek also dont know what team good, but hear Hitz FM Morning Crew say most Malaysians think Spain will win. So mah follow wisdom of the crowd lor. But maybe not a good idea hor, since a bunch of Malaysians crowd together usually end up do stupid things wan. Like, voting for this gahmen.

But at least better than Tobby pick England. Yesterday in Zouk watch England play, wahaha!, shit!, how to win world cup like that! USA the lampah team also they play until like playing Brazil. But then see Argentina like very kaulat also feel abit scared. Hopefully their psycho maradonut manager will self destruct the team.

Maradonut

So hopefully Spain will oon-oon-eat bee hoon, steady pom-pi-pi!!! Go Go Spain!!! Go Go 64 Jugs!!

Limpek going to be like this, sipping on the free 64 jugs of beer. Since you all keep asking limpek to post limpek's picture. Suan le ba, limpek post one now.

......

Como Estas babehh, are you down down down down down?

Sexy leh... Told you limpek no bluff wan. Limpek also think limpek sibeh jialat sexy.

What? You dont believe it's limpek? Why you so untrusting of people wan? It is so limpek okay.

What? You say its angmoh? Eh... why you like that one? Limpek cannot have 1/32 angmoh blood wan ar? Maybe last time limpek's great grandmother was Portuguese? You look at the necklace, it clearly says "Goldfish".

What?? You say limpek draw on it wan?? Why you like that wan?? Teacher never tell you cannot be so untrusting towards everybody wan?

Suan le ba, suan le ba. Limpek try to convince you also tulan.

On a sidenote, check out this puahbai angmoh who calls himself aussie pete. Another finalist in the awards. According to Pete (on video interview), limpek's blog is about my uncle and his goldfish. HAHAHAHA. Angmoh really powderful wan hor... no need to read or understand your blog also they can say you're funny. Limpek also char lan dou (grab balls) -_- ...

Sorry la Pete if limpek's blog "lacks substance and quality". You can file an NCR with limpek's ISO on the Q&S department. But limpek's blog has always been ciplak like that.

But anyway, limpek think Ms.Chorlor or Fauzi's blog is gonna kick your ass for the awards, even if you think they're just all "shock and awe" or "splattering life-size image of themselves". Unless hot ger THB is right and they already know you're their winner. (Pete is supposed to be some big shot anyway, according to himself). As for limpek's little small-time blog, already gain a few more readers so target achieved liao. So dont kaupeh about this small potato blog ok?

A Chikopek Brother Named Cliffard

2010-06-09T23:38:00.003+08:00

Limpek very free to surf blogs today, read some good entries...

Major LULP (laugh until lampah pain):

Yummy ChrispyKreme's hot dog stand

and Crispy's version

vote for Chrispykreme for Modelling Blog awards!

And Jz's shopping

What if you ask Jz to buy you condom?

jialat...

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A chikopek brother named Cliffard

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Komodo! Blood related but abit smaller than Gojira

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(omg, this is turning into a hentai porn manga blog liao... must tone down abit.)

B2B Hartamas Part 2: Tomyum Trap, Gojira Attack!

2010-06-07T00:02:00.002+08:00

When limpek came out of the room... this was what limpek saw on the waiting lounge. Limpek's chikopek friends looking like they had figure out the ultimate true happiness of life. Dont even have to meditate under the Bo tree. Can see their legs also shakey-shakey

Tobby as usual is in the toilet. For some weird reason he always have to pangsai everytime after massage. Sometimes, he massage halfway will tell the masseuse to wait. Then he has to go toilet pangsai. Kanineh this kind of disgusting puahbai. Somemore keep farting when the masseuse step on his back, think we cannot hear.

Actually Tobby's pangsai problem got underlying medical reasons. Limpek show you the doctor diagram, easier to understand.

very clogged passages

You see?

This is why you need a clean digestive system. Tobby's intestines is too filled with leftover chocolate cake. Thats why doctor always ask you to eat fruits and vegetables to clear your intestines. Then only pangsai will become soon-soon.

Now if got too much chocolate cake here and there, once the masseuse put pressure on one part, all will rush to the back and cause traffic jam. Like the kind of traffic jam in Penang bridge. Want to fart also very hard to find exit.

Too much trafffic jam also no good for health. The chocolate cake will absorb into your body and later your sweat turn brown colour then you jialat. So listen to limpek, drink more water, eat more vegetable and fruits.

Okay so what actually happen before limpek come out and see chikopeks all looking like just kena lottery? To be honest limpek abit shy to tell. But then nevermind la, life is too short to be shy.

So back to about 20 minutes before...

Tomyum say "Hamsemmm... you want massage there? Me make come out veli niceee..."

Limpek say "YES! FASTER MAKE COME OUT VELI NAIS!!!

Tomyum was sibeh experienced. She knows how to change gear, fast to slow, slow to fast at exact paces. Not like limpek's last girlfriend Vivian Lee. Last time start only straight away gear 5. Pull and tug so kaulat, nabeh, maybe she thought it was fishing line stuck in the rocks? Then almost cum that time she slow down to 70 year old auntie Tai Chi pace. Then somemore sometimes can yawn wan. Nabehh....

Tomyum, every 2 minutes will ask "Yes? Baby ham-semmm... you liiiike?" then she will say "oo-yess me liiike your gun.. very big and hard yes?"

Compare to Vivian Lee last time, every 2 minutes will complain "why so long wan! Tsk... jierrr!!" then give you the face like she is the ahlong you owe her money. The most jialat is when she say "Tsk! Jieerr!! Dowan already la! Tired already!! You finish yourself!"

Okay you get my point. Tomyum handjob is sibeh kaulat. Halfway she go through each gear, turn hand clockwise, anti-clockwise, clockwise AND anti-clockwise... (wahpiang she really cock wise), the suddenly ask limpek. "you want me suck? very big and hard me want to suckkk... hmmm... baby ham-semmm?"

Wah kanineh gear 4 already that time! Suddenly handbrake stop and purposely ask me this kind of question. The feeling is like want to sneeze but suddenly sneeze disappear! Or like want to fart during quiet meeting but cannot! Limpek head also blank already, dont know why image of waterfall keep appearing only.

Then she say "only 50 ringgit more... hmm? let me suck?"

Shit.

This Tomyum also got go Advance Sales and Marketing seminar by Robert Kiyosaki wan must be. Limpek feel like kena sales trap last minute, want to say no also impossible since Gojira look at me like want to bite me already.

Limpek took a deep breath. Think of our "First Lady" Rosmah in grandmother panties. Okay good, Gojira got scared and shrink abit. Now the blood start to flow to the brain upstairs again. Limpek processor start to make logic:

Tomyum ger might not be clean.
Limpek also almost cum already, later she kiss Gojira only straight away game over liao mah very wasted?
RM50 can buy 1 more jug of beer for happy hour!

Actually limpek most worried because ~~limpek very kiamsiap~~ the Tomyum doesnt look very clean. Not to say she very smelly or got cockroach running around her body, but then this kind of judgment you have to learn quickly or risk kena desease. Limpek dont want later Gojira grow mushroom.

Limpek see she also dont have Listerine to wash her mouth along with all the medical stuff they gargle with before they give blowjob. The professional ones always also got Listerine and those medical mouthwash. Then they will usually apply the Listerine on your gugujiao also, making it burn until become ba-gua. But limpek dont know why bother with Listerine. Nabeh Listerine only kill bad breath-bacteria la puahbai. STD cannot die also! Just use the medical wash can already.

This Tomyum, everything also dont have. The breath doesn't smell, the teeth looks clean and there's no suspicious sore around the mouth. But limpek ka lu kong its always best not to take risk!

So limpek say "Its okay darling, just continue. Don't stop anymore okay? Very good already. You are very very good!"

Tomyum ger look abit disappointed, but she smile also since limpek say she is very good. So she continue with her gear 1 to gear 5, clockwise and anticlockwise, on and on and on....

and on and on...

and on...

What you expect to happen? Gojira fail on limpek and fall asleep?

OF COURSE NOT!!!

As with all good massages, it must have a happy ending.Although many Goldfish Ultramen Babies have to die in the tissue that night, but still their sacrifice is necessary for the happy ending.

The things limpek have to do for Gojira.... sigh...

So is this the end of the story? Can say so lah if you are those cipet who have sex straightaway without going through the oral and mental stimulation. Foreplay is the word. But because limpek so cheong hei talk so long already limpek have to save one detail for next entry.

Here's the thing... why is limpek's brother Cliffard looking like this? Abit different expression from the other two

Well, give limpek 2 days and limpek will finish that part of the story la. Alot of other things limpek wanna say also need to catch up liao. Puahbai boss... always chase me out of office.