If most Westerners know only one thing about Turkmenistan, it is this: Turkmenbashi. This first President of Turkmenistan (born Saparmurat Niyazon) would go on to build massive monuments to himself, rename months in honor of his family members, and eventually have himself declared President for Life. Busts and statues still dot the capital, and museums across the country often devote rooms to all the many talents of Turkmenbashi.

Ode to Turkmenbashi in Ashgabat. Delightfully, this stands across the street from a statue of the same man.

Visit the metropolis in the desert

The Karakum Desert, home to an average of one person every 2.5mi², is also the location of the million-or more capital city of Ashgabat. Once the bane of Imperial Russian troops who tried to cross this desert in numerous failed campaigns against the Turkmen tribes, Ashgabat is now a beautiful city dotted with fountains and parks. Walking through the city center is at times odd due to a relative lack of pedestrians, but epic building projects initiated by Turkmenbashi and continued by his successor make it an architecturally overpowering area to explore.

Bright lights, big city: Ashgabat.

Ride world-famous Akhal-Teke horses

Turkoman horses are world-renown for their strength and beauty, and you shouldn’t miss the opportunity to ride one in Turkmenistan. Numerous stables outside of Ashgabat can accommodate you, and a ride in the foothills of the Kopet-Dag Mountains to the south of Ashgabat is probably one of the highlights of a visit to the country.

The author riding at an Akhal-Teke stable near the capital.

Try on traditional Central Asian headgear

Most of the nations of Central Asia have some sort of identifying headwear, and the Turkmen are no exception. The telpek hat, in particular, is often a favorite with tourists. Ashgabat’s Tolkuchka Bazaar is a great place to try on or purchase a telpek, because you probably ought not ask the Turkman-on-the-street if you can check out his.

Seek out lingering Soviet relics

Like much of Central Asia and the broader former-USSR, it isn’t hard to find the occasional anachronistic reminder of Soviet times in Turkmenistan. These are seemingly becoming rare, though, so be sure to spot them while they’re still around.

Lenin points the way behind the National Theater in Ashgabat.

Be stunned by Central Asia’s formerly-largest mosque

Built by Turkmenbashi, full of quotes from his self-written holy book the Ruhnama, and finally also his tomb. The Ruhy Mosque in the former leader’s hometown  of Gypjak is rumored to seat 20,000 worshippers, though no longer considered the largest in Central Asia.  Regardless of your thoughts on the man and his legacy, the building itself is certainly an ostentatious display of Turkmenistan’s oil and gas wealth.

Swim 200 ft underground

Though swimming is perhaps not most travelers’ first thought in this desert nation, the Kow-Ata springs more than 200 ft. under the Kopet-Dag Mountains are a strange and exciting day trip from the capital city. Don’t swim too far into the cave, though, or you risk the ire of the Turkmen lifeguard and his whistle.

Sitting near the Darvaza gas crater.

See the ‘Gates of Hell’

Ok, so that first comment about Turkmenbashi was a lie. If foreigners know much of anything about Turkmenistan, it is likely because they’ve seen a picture of the Gates of Hell. In the desert dunes near the former site of the village of Darvazs, this burning natural-gas crater was accidentally ignited by Soviet drilling in 1971 and has burned without interruption to the present-day. Public transit through here can be a bit of a pain, but the surreal experience of camping near the crater makes the effort entirely worthwhile.

Ruins of Merv.

Explore the ruins of the city once known as ‘Mother of the World’

Though now a collection of perimeter walls and mud-brick ruins, the city of Merv was once considered the largest and one of the most culturally important cities in the world. The ongoing Ancient Merv Project is still unearthing the history of Merv and the several other cities that preceded it on the same site, so this makes an excellent opportunity to explore an active archaeological site.

Elephants have been entwined into Sri Lankan culture for centuries. They are revered, they have been used in religious processions and have been used as work animals. It was once a capital offence to kill an elephant.

Elephants can still be seen in the wild in Sri Lanka. There is a system of national parks and reservations that give these largest of land mammals the space they need to roam and the some 100-150 kg of daily vegetation they require as food. Most of it comes in the form of grasses.

This elephant was spotted in Habarana Eco Park, located very close to the Minneriya and Kaudulla National Parks where many elephants can be seen depending on the season of the year. The lone elephants are generally bulls (males).

Click through to see photos of elephants in the Vesak Day religious procession.

With the ongoing economic crisis in Greece and images in popular media of riots running through the streets of the city, though, potential travelers may be hesitant to venture to this historied city to explore for themselves.

This look, from a trip in March and April of 2013, gives an up-to-date account of the Athens you can expect.

On the Streets

The heart of the tourist area, especially around Plaka and the Acropolis, shines with marble temples and triumphal arches and lots of green space to escape for a moment the urban sprawl. A quick visit to any of the city center’s high points, though, will make it obvious that Athens is much more than this.  Neighborhoods further from the city center have perhaps fewer sites but are the places to go for local food or party options. Some of these, particularly backstreets around the Psiri district, have a bit of a gritty and run-down feel but on many nights will see enough foot traffic that safety is rarely a serious concern. Pireaus (Athens’ port area) gets a somewhat bad rap from travelers and locals alike, and is probably one district to avoid wandering late at night.

Graffiti on the streets of Athens.

Many of these neighborhoods are quite walkable and home to a lot of beautiful graffiti, but if you’re in a hurry the Athens Metro system is extensive and easy to use.

Food

Greek food is renown worldwide for being both healthy and delicious. It also feels very similar at times to Turkish and Middle Eastern cuisines, though given some of the history between these areas it may not be wise to discuss this with your Greek hosts!

The ubiquitous street food in Athens is souvlaki, grilled meat wrap up in a pita along with a bit of tzatziki (yogurt, cucumber, and spices) and French fries. Prices range from €1.5 – 4, depending largely on how far you are from the Acropolis and other major tourist sites.

Sticking just to souvlaki, though, would be to do yourself a poor turn in a city with such delicious food. Booze joints offer a wide variety of meze plates to accompany local drinks like ouzo or raki (or beer, for less serious drinkers!), while traditional taverna restaurants serve a daily rotation of traditional dishes with prominent inclusion of eggplant, oregano, and (of course) olives.

Athenians tend to eat pretty late compared to much of Europe, often skipping breakfast in favor of an afternoon lunch (around 2p) and a long late dinner that often will not start until 10 or 11 pm. Local restaurants will of course be less crowded before these times, but for atmosphere these late-night dinners are hard to beat.

Klimataria Restaurant on a midday coffee visit.

Particularly recommended for the perfect trifecta (of taste, atmosphere, and price) by the author is Klimataria, just outside of the Monastiraki/Psiri areas. Try to visit late on weekend nights for traditional music from the restaurant’s small stage.

Klimataria as Greek music plays in the background.

Costs

Though Greece is still Europe, the impact of the economic recession can equal pretty good deals for tourists in Athens. Accommodation costs right in the city center start around $20/ night for a hostel dorm, though beds for half that can be had further afield.

The real savings come in with food, with street food for a couple of euro and proper full meals with table wine or beer possible at under fifteen Euro. Partying in Athens isn’t quite as good of a deal, with beers under 8 Euro hard to find in the popular Giza district. Occasionally great live music helps soften the blow, though.

Peculiarities

Along with the economic downturn there seems to be a bit of tension between the Greek and immigrant populations. Embassy notices report incidences of harassment of non-white tourists, though I never heard any anecdotal evidence of this during my stay.

Another local institution is George the Bar Scammer, who reportedly invites tourists to the Hollywood Pub for a drink and hugely inflated bill. Avoid or enjoy as you find yourself inclined.

Sights

There are tons of obvious (and crowded) tourist sites in Athens, most notably the Acropolis (12 Euro) and New Acropolis Museum (5 Euro). Conveniently, the Acropolis Ticket also gives entrance to a number of other historic sites across Athens like the Temple of Olympion Zeus and various Agoras. Beyond these, the city is flush with museums. Most highly recommended are the Byzantine (4 Euro), National Archeological (7 Euro), and Benaki (6 Euro).

Acropolis and Parthenon from Lycabettus hill.

A bit less visited is Lycabettus Hill, Athens’s highest point, which offers great views of the city and Acropolis from the top. At sunrise, golden light illumes the eastern face of the Parthenon to great effect.

The Temple of Poseidon at Sounion is a popular daytrip from Athens (and possible using public transport), as are the islands of the Saronic Gulf (Aegina, Hydra, and Poros; amongst others).

Approaching the port on the island of Hydra.

It seems nearly every street you walk down in Barichara Colombia is a picturesque one of fine cobbled stones and white-washed houses with views stretching to the countryside and mountains beyond. Barichara itself is a relaxed town, up in the hills. It’s one of the finest of Colombia’s colonial remnants.

Barichara and Guane can be visited together. Guane is a nearby village connected to Barichara by the centuries old Camino Real, a stone path which leads the walker through horse farms, small cattle ranches, and a few homesteads. Views of the mountains and canyon in the distance reveal themselves occasionally.

You won’t need to linger long in Guane, it is the smallest of villages. Back in Barichara, just walking the streets and soaking up the atmosphere and views is enough to do. There’s hardly any traffic. There are a few old churches to pop into along the way. When you get tired, stop for a coffee in one of the cafes.

Barichara very much reminded me of many of the villages in Spain that I’ve walked through on the Camino de Santiago. Barichara Colombia was founded in 1741 and should be included, along with Villa de Leiva, on any trip through Colombia. Colonial Towns are just one of the many Reasons to Visit Colombia.

Rio de Janeiro is more than just a city, it’s a state.  Whilst the Cuidade Marvellosa understandably grabs the best and the worst of the region’s headlines, there are other attractions nearby that need to be seen.  In fact, with the city bracing itself for the fanfare and chaos of the soccer World Cup (2014) and the Olympics (2016), seeking out calmer surrounds might just be the order of the day.

The Historic Town of Paraty, Brazil, an easy trip from Rio.

Here are the best picks for an easy escape from the city.

Búzios

There are a number of coastal options east of Rio, the highlight of which is Búzios, 134km away.

The harbor of Buzios, Brazil.

The name Búzios refers to a collection of small towns and holiday ghettos scattered about a peninsular that offers a glutinous pic ‘n’ mix of beaches and coves.

Once the haunt of French pirates and slave traders (names like Tartaruga sound like a set from Pirates of the Caribbean), Búzios got itself on the map when Brigitte Bardot rocked up for a visit with her Brazilian boyfriend in 1964.  Promoters of the area have used this star power to big-up Búzios as the number one escape for well heeled Cariocas (residents of Rio) and rock stars wanting out of Rio for the weekend.  Consequently, it’s become something of a ‘New World’ Saint Tropez, a place to be seen spending money without the threat of being mugged.

However, it’s not all fine dining and cocktails aboard the bateux.  Búzios’s beaches offer plenty of action.  The north facing Praia de Manguinhos is reportedly one of the best places for windsurfing in South America.  On the South side of the peninsular, Praia de Geribá and Praia de Tucuns have quality beach breaks which attract a talented crew of wave riders.  Further along the beaches become smaller and the waters calmer with a number of snorkeling and diving possibilities.  A personal favorite is Praia João Fernandes at the tip of the peninsular.  A great place to relax and people watch.

Where to stay in the area depends on what you’re after.  We spent much of our time in Geribá which, possibly due to its access to the surf, offers a decent selection of budget accommodation.  Those with more sophisticated palates would be better served by staying in Armação, the dining and nightlife center of Búzios.  Here the action centers on Rua das Pedras (Stone Street).  Toward the end of the peninsular things get quieter and more rustic although there are some big hotel operations dotted about.

Where ever you end up staying, it’s easy enough to get around.  Mini vans motor up and down the main roads and will pick up fares at any point.

There are regular buses from Rio de Janerio (3hours/R$23-25).  The journey out of Rio’s Guanabara Bay offers spectacular city views.

Saquarema

If you’re looking for something a little less flash than Búzios a good option is Saquarema, a laid back beach town 100km from Rio.  Well, laid back depending what day one visits.

The Church of Our Lady of Nazareth in Saquarema, Brazil.

We arrived on a Sunday and in true Brazilian style the beach was hopping.  Vendors hawking ice cream and beer, lined the road fronting the sands.  Nearby, bare chested grandads lounged on plastic chairs, sucking coconut milk through straws.  On the white sands, families cooked up barbeques as groups of men posed in swim trunks that back in my native England would see them laughed off the beach.  In the evening we joined a mob of post-beach diners in Praça Oscar Macedo where we tore into plates of greasy churrasco (grilled meats).  Come Monday though, Saquarema was deserted.  We had the beach to ourselves and dinner in town was a pretty lonely affair with just a few peckish dogs to keep us company.

It would be a mistake to come here with ideas of showing off your tan and tearing it up at night.

It’s not a showy kind of place and there isn’t much night life to speak of.  What most people come here for is the surf.  And rightly so.  The breaks in Saquarema are world class and often host top level competitions.  There are surf shops in town and options for rental and schooling.  The area is also dotted with lakes for fishing and in the surrounding hills you can try your hand at fruit-picking and horse-riding.

The beach in Saquarema, Brazil.

The dominant man-made feature of Saquarema is the Igreja Nossa Senhora de Nazareth (The Church of Our Lady of Nazareth).  Sitting proudly on a rocky headland that pokes out into the Atlantic, it’s a great area to catch a dusk breeze before seeking out your dinner.

Regular buses from Rio de Janerio (2 hours/R$15).

Petrópolis

Bored of beaches?  Can’t surf?  Intimidated by all that tanned and toned muscle and cleavage?  Then run to the hills and take shelter in the culture and finery of Petrópolis.  The name might sound like it’s been ripped from the pages of a Marvel comic but what you get here is a coupling of Portuguese Imperialism and hearty Bavaria, in a crisp alpine setting.

At an altitude of 2,400ft, Petrópolis was established as the summer home of Emperor Pedro II and his entourage of brown-nosing aristocrats.  Between them they built the palaces, mansions and churches that make Petrópolis a civilized and cultured tourist spot.  From here, Rio’s sex, glamor and gun-toting misery might as well be on a different planet despite being only 44km away.

View over Petropolis, Brazil, one of the easy trips around Rio de Janeiro.

Actually, much of Petrópolis was built by German immigrants hence the Bavarian feel.  There’s even a good old beer festival, Bauernfest, held every year to honor this heritage.

Item number one on most cultural check lists is the Imperial Museum, housed in the former Emperor’s palace.  Inside, the usual sort of Imperial kit is topped off with a 1.7kg crown studded with over 600 diamonds and 77 peals.  For a more quirky experience you can also check out the home of Santos-Dumont, the Brazilian father of aviation and inventor of the wrist watch.  Other crowd pleasers include the Cathedral São Pedro de Alcântara (resting place of the Imperial family) and the French built Chrystal Palace which hosts cultural events.

If it gets too stuffy for you, lace up your boots and head out of town to explore the hiking opportunities in the surrounding mountains.  Be warned though, after heavy rains, the area is prone to landslides which have taken lives as recently as March this year (2013).

A Mansion in Petropolis, Brazil.

Eating and sleeping is bit of a budget buster in Petrópolis (it must be trying to keep out the riff-raff) so shoe-stringers may want to keep it to a day trip.

Buses from Rio de Janerio take about 90 minutes (R$12-14).  Take note; the main bus terminal for Petrópolis is some distance from the heart of town.  It’s too long to walk so take a taxi or the local bus.

Paraty

Further afield, but more than worth the trip, is Paraty, a small coastal town settled by the Portuguese in 1667.  It’s another addition to Brazil’s enviable collection of impossibly beautiful colonial jewels.  Once a port used for exporting gold to Rio it now imports a steady flow of drooling tourists, artists, chefs and Eco-warriors, and one can easily understand why.

The historic town of Paraty, Brazil

The town and its surrounds boast an embarrassment of riches both cultural and natural.  In land, Paraty is watched over by mountains covered in verdant tropical forest where waterfalls and river based adventure awaits.  Mountain biking is also on offer.  Out on the water, ocean goers can voyage around the bay seeking out their favorite of some 300 hundred islands, dropping anchor to dive and snorkel.

Fronting the bay is the historic area of Paraty.  Closed to motor vehicles, it’s wobbly cobbled streets stumble around the town’s churches, museums and other colonial show-stoppers.  In this area you’ll find art studios and galleries, together with restaurants that this writer couldn’t afford to eat in!  About a 20 minute walk away from the historic center is Forte Defensor Perpétuo one of Paraty’s retired defenses and now a place to come for elevated ocean and town views.

Just a quick heads up, once a month on a full moon, high tides cause some of Paraty’s historic streets to flood.  There’s no need for alarm but you may find yourself teetering over some precarious make-shift bridges!

There’s loads of accommodation in Paraty.  The further away from the action you get, the cheaper it is so spend thrifts will find themselves with bit of a trek into town.

Buses from Rio de Janerio take 4 hours (R$40).  Paraty is about as far away from the city as you can get whilst still being in Rio de Janerio state.  Try to get on the left side of the bus for the journey here to enjoy amazing Costa Verde (Green Coast) views.

Author’s note – At the time of writing 1 Brazilian Real (R$) = 0.5 U.S. Dollars.

Brunei can rightly be called the only country I’ve ever traveled to just for the sake of the passport stamp.  Dismayed by the cost of mountain permits in Malaysian Borneo, I opt instead for the oil-rich Sultanate Next Door.  Prepared with my legal-maximum-import 1.5 liters of booze, I show up ready for boredom. I wander through opulent museums stuffed with precious jewels, walk past restaurants offering meals from all across South and Southeast Asia, and make several circles around the Sultan Omar Mosque. I spend two nights in a row pre-partying in a cheap hostel then drinking overpriced tea and watching World Cup games playing live from South Africa. I’m bored the entire time.

This is, of course, entirely my fault. I never go to the pristine swath of rainforest in an exclave just across the Brunei Bay. Despite being just beyond downtown, I never see the miles-long Water Village on the Bandar Seri Begawan waterfront. The most excitement I find is when a homeless and seemingly-deranged local berates my travel companion, but returns half an hour later to present her with the gift of a small plastic ring. The second most excitement, only a hair below that first, is the Dairy Queen restaurant’s full menu of Blizzard ice cream treats. There is an entire country here to be explored, a new culture literally wrapped up inside of two much larger Malaysian states. Though I can’t explain why, I never bother to explore it.

Instead I bitch about the heat and the fact that there’s no alcohol for sale anywhere in the country. But hey, at least I got that passport stamp! My first thought, though, on getting back off the ferry and back onto Malaysian soil: “I need a beer.”

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Alcoholic Horse Milk

Perhaps a remnant of Soviet culture, drinking culture is big in Kyrgyzstan. While vodka is usually the preferred imbibition, another option does exist. Kumis, a slightly alcoholic horse milk popular in a number of Turkic cultures, is particularly prevalent in Kyrgyzstan. Stalls on the country’s mountainous roadways or yurt tents at many of the most popular tourist sites can be your gateway to this sour treat. (The alcoholic content of Kumis is quite low, so even inexperienced drinkers need not be afraid of giving it a try.)

Hiking the snowy mountains of Ala-Archa National Park.

High Mountains at Low Prices

In the south of Kyrgyzstan, Peak Lenin is considered one of the easiest +7000 meter peaks in the world. Closer to Bishkek, the Ala-Archa National Park is home to a Soviet-era ski base and the once-famous Ratsek climbing hut. In between, more than 80% of the country is covered by mountains of the Tian-Shan and Pamir-Alay ranges. Sometimes referred to as the ‘Switzerland of Central Asia’, Kyrgyzstan is considerably more budget-friendly than its European counterpart. For snow-sport enthusiasts with an expanded budget, heli-skiing is cheaper here than almost anywhere else in the world. At several thousands of dollars for a week-long trip, though, it may still be out of the range most backpackers are aiming for.

Soviet-era relics

Stalinist architecture still dominates much of the city-center of Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan’s capital. Though progressive Kyrgyzstan has replaced many of the Lenin and Stalin statues with Kyrgyz folk-hero Manas, one can still occasionally come across the odd hammer and sickle and hordes of the ever-popular Lada Niva cars. Across the country, monuments to the Great War (WWII) and military heroes are also common.

A Soviet-era mosaic outside of downtown Bishkek.

Issyk-Cool

The world’s 2nd-largest alpine lake, Issyk-Kol doesn’t freeze in even the harshest depths of the sub-zero winters of the surrounding Tien-Shan Mountains. The Northern shore of the lake caters largely to Russian and Kazakh party-goers who crowd the town of Cholpon-Ata, while the village of Karakol to the east has become a trekking and horse-riding hub for travelers. On the south of Issyk-Kol, with much less tourist development than the others, are a handful of villages with small guesthouses but not a lot to do (perfect for idle relaxation). No matter which part of the lake you choose, mountains loom large across the lake and Bishkek is only a day’s drive away.

View along the southern shore of Lake Issyk Kul in Kyrgyzstan

The Silk Road’s Best Bazaar

Osh, one of the historic centers of the Silk Road and an important trading center since at least the 8th century, is home to perhaps the most colorful bazaar in all of Central Asia. Stretching for several kilometers down both sides of the Ak-Burra River in the city center, shoppers are just as likely to find sheep heads and Obama-brand aphrodisiacs as they are to bargain for more mundane items like fresh fruit and household goods. Bargain hard for the best deals!

Visit the Swastika Forest

Outside the village of Tash-Bashat, on the slopes of a hillside above the town, grows a fir-tree forest planted in the shape of a Nazi swastika. Though legend links these trees to defiant German prisoners of war towards the end of World War II, though the truth is unclear. Regardless of the origins, this is an unexpected site to come across hidden in the depths of rural Kyrgyzstan.

Eating with all 5 Fingers

Besh-barmak, literally ‘5 fingers’ in several of the Turkic language of Central Asia, is considered one of the national dishes of Kyrgyzstan. Traditionally eaten with the hands (whence the name), this dish of mutton, entrails, noodles and sauce is served on most Kyrgyz special occasions. Keep an eye out in traditional chaikanas and cafes, though, and you should be able to find somewhere to sample for yourself.

Kyrgyz horses grazing in the countryside.

Ride Like a Nomad

Until the arrival of Russian armies and the settling efforts of the Soviet Union, Kyrgyzstan was traditionally a nomadic culture. This nomadic past can still be seen in the yurts that dot the Kyrgyz countryside and prevalence of horses that remains an important part of Kyrgyz life. Visitors to the country can experience this history through programs like the Community Based Tourism organization, which can organize multi-day horse treks that stop in yurts each night before continuing your personal migration across the hills the next day. If you’ve ever looked for a country where you could live like a nomad for at least a few days, this is the one!

The first thing we saw were dildos. Racks of them. Dozens, even. Black and pink, dangerously large, hilariously small, all dangling in streetside tents. One vendor spoke casually on his cell phone as he hung up his thick rubber cocks, getting an early 8 p.m. start for what he presumed would be a normal, meaning busy, Tuesday night.

Patpong is filthy in every conceivable way. This might explain its popularity, but it doesn’t. It’s not popular for being a red light district. In fact, as red light districts go — that is, as sex den qua sex den — it feels pretty tame. Instead it seems to ride off its reputation for being “dirty”, as exhibited by the dildos on the outskirts of the brightly-lit tourist market that spills out of its streets, lined with hawkers peddling mostly cheap watches and overpriced earrings.

Thai locals nevertheless shake their heads at the mere thought of this perverse corner of Bangkok. When my girlfriend and I wandered into a hostel to ask for directions, the man behind the counter made this clear: “It’s awful,” he said. He explained how he used to bike through Patpong’s alleys every day to get to work, and would sometimes catch an eyeful of women onstage as he rode past.

He shook his head free of the memory. “That was enough.”

My girlfriend and I, however, were immediately sold. We hailed a taxi to combat the unavoidable Bangkok traffic, reaching Patpong shortly after eight. As soon as we stepped out of the cab we heard, for the first of well over 100 times that night, a phrase as hideously graphic as it is suspiciously vague:

“Ping-pong show?”

The street hawker shoved a show menu into our chests, forcing us to at least take a look at his selection, which included, but was not limited to, “PUSSY CHOPSTICK”, “PUSSY CUT BANANA”, “PUSSY SMOKE CIGARETTE” and “PUSSY OPEN THE BOTTLE”. Any lingering mystique quickly evaporated once we realized these were simply very boring tasks most humans endure every day, only done by vaginas.

We were about to turn away when something caught our eye. At the very bottom of the show menu was listed a curious addition: “MAN & WOMAN MAKE LOVE”.

“What,” I asked the peddler, “like, two people having sex? Onstage?”

I turned to my girlfriend, who was, as I was, torn between skepticism and intrigue. The man saw our hesitation and quickly urged us into his tuk-tuk, aimed at a destination some 20 minutes away, to see “the FUCKING show,” as he called it, really emphasizing the FUCKING part, for 800 baht, and we had to leave then or we’d miss it.

“Starts in 20 minutes,” he boasted.

“How long is it?” I inquired. “Thirty minutes, an hour…?”

“As long as you want. All night.”

“What, they just keep going?”

“Yes, they continue FUCKING. It is the FUCKING show.”

I gave this about three seconds’ more thought than I ought to have. “Maybe later,” I concluded, and turned to walk away.

“No later,” the man insisted. “Starts in 20 minutes.”

“What, we can’t show up late?”

“No. Leave now, or you’ll miss it.”

“But you said it goes all night.”

“Must leave now.

As tempting as the proposal of a live physics-defying orgy was, lines must be drawn. And yet my girlfriend and I were still captivated by the notion of watching two people have sex onstage; we’d heard stories of similar shows in Brazil, more artistic and, purportedly, beautiful than simple stripping or solo ping-pong.

We bounced around Patpong after that, browsing for watches and belts in between sketchy talks with sex show hawkers. It was during one such interaction that a pudgy, androgynous thing waddled up to us; it was either a very pushy female or a soft-skinned male, and I couldn’t for my life tell which one.

“You want sex show?” it said to us in a hushed voice. We nodded. “Follow me,” it said.

“Wait a second.” I didn’t move. “How much?”

“Five hundred baht.”

I turned to walk away, but the seemingly genderless blob reappeared in front of me. “Three hundred,” it said.

My girlfriend and I agreed that, if this were true, it was indeed a very good price. We followed the suspiciously sexed salesman through the alley market to a shady concrete building, then up a flight of stairs with pale blue walls dimly lit by a few spare fluorescent bulbs.

The name of the club I’ll never know. We paid our 600 baht, received our “free” drinks and were seated beside two American GI-types, beefy crew-cut white dudes loudly clapping and laughing at the show. Three women lazed around onstage, barely swaying to the music.

One performer, flabby and unsmiling, lay on her back with her pimply butt in the air, shooting, with admittedly impressive accuracy, darts from her vagina at a balloon taped to the ceiling. Another pulled a string of dog tags and flowers out, like a sordid magic show. One of the beefy tourists applauded, and the women found him as entertaining as he found them; they convinced him to try and catch the flying ping-pong balls with his mouth, which he repeatedly failed at, causing only more laughter from both sides.

I stood up and walked to the front counter to talk with the manager to ask about the live sex show, a topic that I later realized would have been better brought up during the cash transaction. That show, he told me, wasn’t public, and cost 1,000 baht. I put a little effort into arguing something — some money back, to yell at the lying street peddler, a discounted sex show price — but gave up after a minute of trying to hear and be heard over the blaring club music.

My girlfriend in particular was not happy — not so much because we were blatantly swindled, but because the show we wound up paying for was so sexually depressing. As a man, it’s easier for me to avoid being personally offended at the sight of women prying apart their glittery blue panties to spritz water on a houseplant or something, but I understood her disgust. The display was frighteningly pathetic. It would be one thing if these were professional dancers pulling off impressive stunts, but these were sad, unclean women performing sad, unclean acts. We left after 10 minutes.

The streets felt drained after that. Patpong had lost its charm, its imagination; the illusion of something exotic shattered by a grim and inevitable reality. As we walked out, a man in black leather with a long wooden rod stood in the doorway of an all-black building, and gently tapped me with it just above the butt as we passed.

Startled, I turned around. He winked at me. “Don’t knock it ‘til you try it,” he said. I wanted to stop and explain to him that we already had, but instead just turned around, saved my time and walked away.

A rainbow forms near Cape Dyrholaey on the coast of south Iceland.

It was part of a part of a packed day on Iceland’s South Coast, and this was only one of the many excellent views we had. Iceland is famed for its stunning landscape—one that changes hues based on the lighting and the fickle weather.

While I was looking out to sea and the rough waves crashing into the black sand beach, somebody said to turn around. There was this rainbow that appeared in front of the mountains, near Vik, along the south coast of Iceland.

The place we were standing is called is Cape Dyrhólaey, which is the southernmost part of Iceland, where you can see huge volcanic cliffs and spectacular sea views. Nearby is Reynisfjara, the black sand beach and basalt column formations. The weather here is severe and you’re bound to encounter high winds and rain or snow.

Besides Reynisfjara beach and Cape Dyrhólaey, the south coast of Iceland has much to offer. Two waterfalls are easily accessible along the ring road: Seljalandsfoss and Skógafoss. In addition, there are folk museums located by both.

A tongue of the Mýrdalsjökull Glacier could also be reached the same day. Here you can actually walk up to and touch the glacier as well as get a stark reminder of the effects of global warming due to the noticeable receding of the glacier.

The Eyjafjallajökull Erupts Visitor´s Center also makes an informative stop in South Iceland. The film there tells the story of a local family who survived the devastating eruption back in 2010. Remember the one that covered Europe in volcanic ask? That was Eyjafjallajökull.

I visited in November, and although chilly, it is still a good time to visit Iceland. There are fewer tourists and rates drop.

For more photos of the South Coast of Iceland, see my Flickr set: South Iceland Photo set

Text and photo by Stephen Bugno

Hi, I loved your photos.  I am going to Iceland myself this August for one week and would love any advice a seasoned traveler such as yourself would offer.  Since my time is quite limited what would you consider must-see attractions near the capital?  I thank you for your attention to this and hope to hear back from you!

Toni H.

Hi Toni,

You’ll get a good idea of the essence of Iceland with a week. Reykjavik is a cool city to spend a couple days in, but really the point of Iceland is to get out and see as much of the countryside as you can.

The complete Ring Road is too ambitious for one week, so I would focus on the regions closer to Reykjavik.

The “Golden Circle” is a great day trip from Reykjavik.  Nearly all tour companies offer the popular Golden Circle tour (as well as trips to many other parts of Iceland).

If you are two travelers or less, I would recommend taking the tours.  If you are semi-adventurous and 3 or more people, I would rent a car which allows you to have more freedom and save money by splitting the costs.

Outside of Reykjavik, besides the Golden Circle which will give you a great introduction to the geologic features of Iceland, I would focus on the South of Iceland, the Snæfellsnes Peninsula, and the Reykjanes Peninsula.

In Reykjavik, I recommend stopping by the Opera House to admire its design, grabbing a hot dog at the Bæjarins beztu stand, getting inspired at the Sun Voyager Monument, catching the quick exhibit at the free Photography Museum (located inside the public library), eating Lobster Soup at Sægreifinn (Seabaron), stopping by the Church of Hallgrímur, experiencing Reykjavik nightlife, and getting a great view of the city from Perlan.

My favorite activity in Reykjavik is heading to the public swimming pool where you can soak outside in the hot tubs. It sounds silly (along with eating a hotdog and coke), but it’s actually a very Icelandic thing to do!

Reliable tour companies we’ve worked with:

Happy Days—offers all kinds of tour programs in Iceland

Esja Travel—can arrange travel and photography tours with a variety of photographers

Tim Vollmer –a professional photographer who knows the great places to shoot in Iceland

Sterna Travel—a small, personal and well-managed and tour company

Tiny Iceland—offers a variety of tours

SAD Cars—offers very cheap rental cars

Farm Holidays—for accommodation at a rural farm in Iceland

If you are interested in whale or Puffin watching trips, go with Elding, but there are particular seasons for seeing each.

Check out all my Iceland articles. I’ve written a lot about the country.

http://bohemiantraveler.com/category/destinations/europe/iceland/

http://gomadnomad.com/category/destinations/europe/iceland-europe/

Hope that helps with you planning!

Have a great trip and let us know how it went.

Sincerely,

Stephen

Editor of GoMad Nomad