goNZo Freakpower Brains Trust

Illegal Cheese

noreply@blogger.com (Will de Cleene) — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 00:38:00 +0000

As a burned out hospo droid, I have a great deal of sympathy for artisan cheesemakers and other foody micro-producers with the new Food Bill before parliament. This yak on Nine to Noon's slot today has not eased my mind. The surreal ordeal of Biddy Fraser-Davies of Eketahuna, a hard cheese maker with a herd of three cows, has to be heard to be believed.

And now, here's Chef:

Food Fight

noreply@blogger.com (Will de Cleene) — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 02:17:00 +0000

Anyone who grows or eats food should have a listen to food activist Raj Patel's Feeding Ten Billion. It's about 45 minutes long and covers the myth of the Green Revolution, Mathus, Food Sovereignty, Feminism and the Malawi Food Crisis. Stay tuned til the end, where a question is answered with a Time Bandits reference.

Or you can read Patel's essay in Foreign Policy here.

And now, here's various post-WWII conflicts played out by national dishes of their combatants:

John Key Defends War on Clouds

noreply@blogger.com (Will de Cleene) — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 06:23:00 +0000

John Key today stood by the government's decision to declare a War on Clouds, after reports of a military exercise in Coatsville, outside of Auckland last Friday.

"Every Kiwi loves a summer in the sun. Clouds cause interference, blocking full access from the Sky," said Key. "Even a small cloud can block the full dominance of Sky. Therefore, it is in this country's best interests to remove any clouds."

The prime minister released details of the military exercise, which used a top secret piece of US equipment called a cloudbuster or Orgone Device.

"The USOD J. Edgar Hoover was kindly loaned to us by the United States government," said Key. "It is the same class of machine used to keep the sky above Hollywood free from clouds for years, and we are happy with its deployment here in New Zealand."

"Specially trained agents from Langley, Virginia were flown in to demonstrate the Orgone Device. These men were specially chosen for their highly repressed sexual energy, which is channelled through the J. Edgar Hoover and converted into Orgone. Clouds are eliminated without due process by the Orgone," explained Key.

When challenged by media on the bias of strict cloud regulation while Sky remains an unregulated monopoly, Key defended the government's stance by saying that you can't build a brighter future with clouds, but you can with a Sky portfolio.

This story was proudly brought to you by our sponsor:

Used without permission from DeepRed.

Measures and counter-measures

noreply@blogger.com (Will de Cleene) — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 23:39:00 +0000

This just in. File sharing website MegaUpload has been shut down by US law enforcement. A police raid in Auckland today arrested the site's founder and three others. The US probably going to seek extradition proceedings. In response, Anonymous is attacking the whitehouse.gov site, after taking out the DoJ, Universal Music Group, RIAA and Motion Picture Association of America.

SOPA Blackout

noreply@blogger.com (Will de Cleene) — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 09:35:00 +0000

This site would be blacked out in support of the anti-SOPA/PIPA, but the HTML hurts my head. So instead, I'm raping The Oatmeal's Intellectual Property below:

Please don't shut my blog (or Blogger) down because of my harmless IP cloning. Stop SOPA/PIPA. While you're at it, can you kill the IP trolls in the TPP too?

Beauty Contest

noreply@blogger.com (Will de Cleene) — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 07:46:00 +0000

Edge.org has asked a whole lot of great wonks what their favourite most beautiful theory is. Some say DNA, some say string theory, and that's fair enough. I'm a supporter of string theory, if for no other reason than the solace in thinking that parallel universes exist where some of my personal relationships have had happy endings.

But the winner for me is Feynman Diagrams, indirectly mentioned by Timo Hannay:

I would like to propose not only a particular explanation, but also a particular exposition and exponent: Richard Feynman's lectures on quantum electrodynamics (QED) delivered at the University of Auckland in 1979. These are surely among the very best ever delivered in the history of science.

He's not wrong. The Douglas Robb Memorial Lecture with Feynman is one of the most important moments in NZ's scientific history, yet it passed by without so much as a blip at the time. Go on, have a taste of genius and beauty with one of the smartest guys of the 20th Century:

Just to nudge you, the clip above includes the best observation of the NZ character since Irish comedian Dave Allen desribed NZers as the most balanced people in the world, with chips on both shoulders.

Walking in Light

noreply@blogger.com (Will de Cleene) — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 08:54:00 +0000

You can tell a lot about a place by the way it treats its outcasts. It speaks volumes that Wellington has borne witness to some of NZ's most colourful homeless. Robert Jones, aka The Man with the Bucket, passed on some time ago. His images still adorn Chris Parkin's Museum Hotel, a testament to a particular age.

Blanket Man, aka Ben Hana, was a tragedy with a completely different spin. Today he stopped spinning. Every Wellington person worth their salt has a tale to tell about him, and I hope a statue of him is placed inconveniently as a traffic island in his memory; legs akimbo, some booze, and his can-pipe his faithful companions.

Rest easy, Ra-loving Diogenes of Poneke.

Accentuating the obvious

noreply@blogger.com (Will de Cleene) — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 21:01:00 +0000

The latest non-news is a study appearing in the Lancet journal pointing out NZ and Australia are the world's biggest consumers of cannabis.

I can't be arsed writing up a long post explaining that NZ's isolation, shift work culture and naturally uptight and repressed nature contributes to this reputation for the love of drugs. Instead, since a picture is worth a thousand words, here's 7000 words in 7 pictures. Click the images to embiggerate.

Here is a nice graphic showing the top eight consumers of particular drugs around the world:

A map of Drugs World with tranqs, trips, uppers and downers as compass points:

Here's the Nutt-Blakemore Drug Harm Index (again):

This one is fairly self-explanatory:

Here are the policy alternatives for cannabis regulation:

NORML's guide to cannabis laws in the US:

And finally, here's a break-down of cannabinoids and their particular medical uses:

Mental Notes

noreply@blogger.com (Will de Cleene) — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 09:22:00 +0000

There's no news here as holiday season continues. To fill in what could be a long blank before any new news is forthcoming, here's some links.

# Rolling tobacco is now a tenth of the price of cannabis, as the goverment excise tax reaches stupid heights. Unless you're a frequent flyer. Duty free for the flying suits. Tax is only for the poor. Thank you very much Maori Party. Mad stats lapped up by baby journos get a holiday kicking from Eric Crampton at Offsetting Behaviour.

# MacDoctor has the completely reasonable idea to make injuring a person with a firearm whilst drunk an offence. Hey, we do it for drink drivers. Why should drunk killers get a free pass? Now if there's only something we could do about the golfers...

# Team eXiled has launched a Media Transparency Project to out pimped journos and advertorial editorials. What with all the partisan hacks in this country giving each other back rubs and media skills training, we could do with a bit of that here too.

# Matt Taibbi gets all existential over the US election whilst looking at the Iowa primary. Can't say I blame him. I've almost stopped reading Andrew Sullivan out of ennui over the 2012 circus.

# And what to make of the looming merger of the NZ Business Roundtable and the NZ Institute? ManBearPig anyone? Arts & Letters Daily to the rescue with a think tank link.

# A&L Daily also links to two reviews of Alex Rosenberg's atheist manifesto. The antidote to this book seems to be the 1933 classic, Bertrand Russell's The Scientific Outlook. Scientific determinism is a dead end.

Anyway, back to eating the organic plums from the backyard orchard. That's the really great thing about childhood obesity and helicopter parenting. The neighbourhood kids don't climb the fruit trees.

A Game of John Key Gong

noreply@blogger.com (Will de Cleene) — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 19:54:00 +0000

Ritchie McCaw seems pretty smart for a rugbyhead. He turned down John Key's gong. These things are supposed to be earned not won, and a bonus culture demon like King John doesn't get it. McCaw does.

Amongst the hoards of National backers getting their royal blue ribbons handed out are some very good Kiwis. Ralph Hotere is indeed a living treasure. Des Britten is steak tartare among McNuggets. Ian Taylor is a good egg.

So it is with a little nuance and diplomacy that as a proud member of the New Zealand Republican Movement, that I declare a 2012 Resolution to not use any royal title or honorific gong from now on. Hey, it's non-violent protest and as far as I can see, not illegal.

Sir Bob is gone, Mister Jones is back. Dames Susan and Kiri are now referred to by their real names, Ms. Devoy, Ms. Te Kanawa. And if I bump into Charlie and Camilla next year, it'll be Mr. and Mrs. Windsor. Or Saxe-Coburg if they prefer.

This is partly a reaction to the non-news that these bi-annual gongs are solely at the prime minister's whim, partly because these gongs are always so goddamn vanilla. A truly NZ recognition system wouldn't have this rigid glass box in the land of the long tail.

But there's a deeper reason to abandon these airs and graces. It's best said by painter, bongo player, strip club patron, cannabis and LSD taker Richard Feynman, Nobel Prize winner for his work in Quantum Electro Dynamics. We do things for the fun of it:

Summer Solstice

noreply@blogger.com (Will de Cleene) — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 20:51:00 +0000

Never mind the Xmas period, here's the Official Summer Solstice anthem for 2011; LCD Soundsystem performing Drunk Girls whilst being beaten up and humiliated by Censorship Pandas:

Have a high solstice and a comfortable recovery position. See you in 2012.

Shearer and the Crimson Fleece

noreply@blogger.com (Will de Cleene) — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 20:54:00 +0000

Congratulations to the new Labour leader, David Shearer. I look forward to a time I can attend a Labour party fundraiser without getting Beasts of England earwig.

Into the Dojo with Mojo

noreply@blogger.com (Will de Cleene) — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 00:14:00 +0000

Today's word of the day is brought to you by Big News alerting the public to the hatred of Deaf people by the Conservative Party, as well as this toxic thread of ignorance over at Farrar's place:

Synesthesia - sensation produced in part of body by stimulus elsewhere.

I can't speak for other Deafs, but I feel sounds on my whiskers and sometimes see body language as colours. And I bet my eyesight is better than half the short-sighted, narrow-minded pricks who proclaim their fitness to lead over others. So put your fingers to the speakers and welcome Mojo into the Dojo:

2011 Election results

noreply@blogger.com (Will de Cleene) — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 02:32:00 +0000

The final count for the election has been announced. Congratulations to Mojo Mathers becoming NZ's first Deaf member of parliament, as well as Carmel Sepuloni winning back Waitakere off Paula Bennett.

This year's party vote had some serious swings compared to 2008's election:

Party    2008    2011 +/- swing    % swing

National 1053398    1058638      +5204           +0.5
Labour     796880      614936     -181944          -24
Greens      157613      247370     +89757           +60
NZ First     95356      147544      +52188          +58
Maori         55980        31982      -23998           -43
Mana              -            24168      +24168            -
Act              85496        23889     -61607           -72
UF              20497        13443      -7054            -34
ALCP    9515    11738    +2223           +23

The high tide mark of John Key's National government was a scrawny 5,204 votes more than the 2008 election. Labour lost a quarter of its 2008 support to the Greens, NZ First and the enrolled non-vote. The Maori party lost an almost identical chunk of votes to the Mana party. The Aotearoa Legalise Cannabis Party is only 1,705 votes behind United Future, which should give the reformers some ammo for public broadcasting allocations next time around.

Boomers in love with Baby Cheesy

noreply@blogger.com (Will de Cleene) — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 22:20:00 +0000

Further to my humbuggery post on the Xmas retail period, xkcd has evidence that the Boomers are to blame, as usual:

Christians stole our solstice. We're stealing it back.

noreply@blogger.com (Will de Cleene) — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 01:01:00 +0000

Not only do I support the New Zealand Republican Movement to upgrade Queen's Unbirthday to Matariki Weekend, I reckon Xmas should be traded in for Summer Solstice. Not that I'm particularly pagan, but NZers tend to worship the sun more than Baby Cheesy.

Fresh basil, lettuce and tomatoes means more to most Kiwis than the old dogma role of god served with winter trappings. Who cooks a roast in midsummer? Only the morons. Good luck to them. But for the rest of us who would rather be enjoying getting trolleyed in the sun instead of dragging a trolley around a mall, leave it off our secular calendar.

Anything that weakens the Jesus Freaks' Xmas power, or yanks their chain over this theft of midsummer celebration, is alright in my books. Well done Zippy Gonzales impersonator Johnny Depp for featuring in the "controversial" Babybird Xmas song, Jesus Stag Night Club:

And watch out stupid Easter trading laws. Your Fall is coming too.

Undercutting the Unions

noreply@blogger.com (Will de Cleene) — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 23:31:00 +0000

I'm glad to see Chris Trotter, David Farrar and John Armstrong agree that unions wield too much sway in the Labour Party. About bloody time. The union poison has been in Labour's veins so long, it's good that someone's finally drawing attention to the infection. From the Book of Trev, the Jim Anderton Chapter:

Anderton went off in high dudgeon and hid himself, while I went to the Pier Hotel with the union delegates and had a thoroughly good evening sharing their booze and arguing with them about the merits of Union support of the Labour Party. I pointed out to them that in fact they were a millstone around our necks and that the average member of the public thought that a trade unionist was just about as bad as a traffic cop or a lawyer.

In spite of unions representing at best a tenth of the workforce these days, the power vacuum left in the Labour party structure by the talented activists and thinkers of the centre-right Backbone Club back in the 90's has led to union dominance ever since.

In ten years, unions as we know them will not exist. Technology and globalisation are wiping out their members' jobs. The EPMU couldn't stop the Telstraclear Kapiti call centre closing down, its functions off-shored to the Philippines. They can't stop the automation of front office functions such as self-checkout supermarkets or automated airline kiosks. And if those staunch union wharfies haven't watched season two of The Wire yet, I suggest they do so pronto.

There are larger changes ahead. The availability of self-tuition has never been more widespread. From Khan Academy to online university papers, teachers' unions are facing competing models of learning. They are no longer the sole gatekeepers of the public good of free education. A monolithic union cannot control the fragmented future of education.

If Labour clings to the unions for their survival, they are truly on a path to extinction. Even tuataras have to shed their skin every now and then. Time to slough off the big-talking under-achievers and wise up.

Shadow Cabinet boxing

noreply@blogger.com (Will de Cleene) — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 00:56:00 +0000

As a thought experiment, I had a go at listing a possible Labour Shadow Cabinet. It wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. Partly due to the culling of Labour's new talent from the election axe, but mainly because there's more dead wood in Labour's caucus than in the Takapuna Reef Fossil Forest:

David Shearer - Leader of the Opposition, spokesperson for Foreign Affairs & Education.
Jacinda Adern - Deputy, spokesperson for Welfare.
David Parker - Finance.
David Cunliffe - Economic Development & Commerce.
Grant Robertson - Health.
Maryan Street - Senior Whip.
Charles Chauvel - Justice & Police.
Shane Jones - Infrastructure & Christchurch Recovery.
Chris Hipkins - Junior Whip.
Trevor Mallard - Leader of the House, Energy.
Phil Twyford - Transport, Corrections.
Nanaia Mahuta - Maori Affairs.

Waiting for The Fucker

noreply@blogger.com (Will de Cleene) — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 04:08:00 +0000

Phil Goff and Annette King have announced their resignations. Well done, thou good and faithful servants of the Labour Party. Labour's decimated caucus has a fortnight to sort out a new leader. Phil Goff's done his successor less harm than Helen Clark's election night dump did for him. But not by much. Perhaps it's time for the H1H2 neophytes to have a swig from the poisoned chalice of the Labour Party leadership too.

It seems from the chatter that it's between Cunliffe/Mahuta vs Parker/ Robertson. Cunliffe's earlier running partner of Dalziel was dropped for the marginally less bizarre choice of Nanaia Mahuta. Strange bedfellows are mentioned elsewhere. Caretaker leader it is then, and so sez Gordon Campbell:

Given that the achievable goal this term may be only to get Labour back within striking distance of National, it will probably be the next leader after this one who gets to form the next Labour-led government. That’s how it worked out for National in its own climb back from defeat in 2002. (Bill English was succeeded by Don Brash, before Key finally did the trick.) Seen in that light, this may be quite a good contest to lose.

On a completely different subject, I can't wait for the next series of The Thick of It. BrickTop from Guy Ritchie's Snatch aka Alan Ford plays the new LibDem spinner. Here's The Fucker firing Tory PR twat Stewart Pearson in the finale of last season's cliffhanger:

Citizens for Rolling

noreply@blogger.com (Will de Cleene) — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 05:27:00 +0000

Some advice for Labour; if you want another caretaker/stunt puppet leader to lose the next election, choose Cunliffe or Parker tomorrow. If you want a proper challenger, korero now, change in February.

In spite of Michael Appleby all but crowning Grant Robertson a Labour leader in waiting at the Aro Valley Candidates gig, it's way too soon for him to seek the top of that greasy pole. I haven't met David Shearer, but he can't have less popular appeal than Cunliffe or Parker. The latter two failed their 7 Days test and need to re-sit and do better.

Fortune favours Shearer on many fronts, not least his UN internment. Logistical know-how goes a long way in politics.

Sound of Silver

noreply@blogger.com (Will de Cleene) — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 20:23:00 +0000

The 2011 election result officially salutes the continuing rise of the gerontocracy. How else could an old stick in the mud like Winston Peters get 8 MPs? Expect to see more spending cuts across the board under Key 2.0, with the exception of the self-interested silver vote. Their loudmouth champion is back in the House.

Dying away? Yeah right, John.

Election 2011 live blog

noreply@blogger.com (Will de Cleene) — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 06:50:00 +0000

7:45 pm. Just arrived at Back Benches. Quarter hour before filming starts, emergency red wine and cigarette in the smoking lounge. The Sports Bar has been closed off for the Nat's Wellington Central party.

4 percent of the result counted. NZ First at scary 6-7 percent, Greens at reasonable 10 percent (I'm betting they'll get 15 percent). Labour nearing National's 2002 election result with a not unsurprising 27 percent. National hovering on 50 percent. Once the expected overhangs are accounted for, it looks like Key won't get his natural majority.

UPDATE: 10:15pm. A lot can happen in a couple of hours. Now ensconced at the Green Party's campaign party at San Francisco Bath House. The place is packed with supporters, even though their vote seems to have levelled off at ten percent, a few short of where I expected them to be.

NZ First still sitting on an unbelievable 6.8 percent, the damage done by John Key's failed tea date has led to a resurgent NZ First and 8 possible MPs. Act is toast, with only John Banks holding Epsom and a slim party vote ensuring he will be their only MP. Dunne looks like keeping Ohariu, albeit with a reduced majority.

It looks like Clayton Cosgrove has lost the Waimakariri seat to Kate Wilkinson, while Kris Faafoi holds his seat against Hekia Parata in Mana. Christchurch Central will probably be so narrow as to go down to Special Votes between Brendon Burns and Nicky Wagner.

Ian Lees-Galloway and Chris Hipkins are shoo-ins for Palmerston North and Rimutaka respectively. National couldn't dent them there.

Shooting the Pook

noreply@blogger.com (Will de Cleene) — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 04:12:00 +0000

"Yes I've voted" sez the orange man sticker on my desk. In light of the 7pm embargo on polspeak, let me entertain you with a true story coaxed out of the memory banks before the live-blogging begins. Shooting the Pook is Part Two of the Hunter Chronicles. Part One here.

This particular story is inspired by the Pook winning this year's Bird of the Year Award, and partly due to the latest iteration of George Orwell's Shooting an Elephant doing the rounds.

...

The old man must have set some kind of record for killing things in this country. Long before he worked the chain at the Longburn freezing works, he spent most of his spare youth in the hills shooting a wide variety of animals. Deer were his favourite target. Ducks were probably second. If deer was an epicurean kill and ducks the next skill tier down, rabbits were the equivalent of fast food.

Most days the .22 would lie in the car. Sometimes in the boot but, if he hadn't killed anything that day and there was a spare hour of light on the hills, the rifle would be within arm's reach of the driver's seat. The glovebox was always full of shotgun cartridges, the ashtrays full of live .22 rounds. I had orders to keep an eye out for rabbits as we travelled the back roads on the scenic route home.

"Wind down your window," he'd say as he put the magazine into the rifle and pulled back the bolt. The barrel would slide past my nose and out my window, aimed at the grassy knoll where a rabbit was having its last supper.

I learnt early on I could not be a doctor. I never got used to the smell of intestines. He'd bury the guts in the back yard under stones, so the dogs wouldn't dig them up. In with the dead cats with a bullet behind their ear, which he'd shot with the .22 from his bedroom window. There were strays living under the house, he insisted. Even after a Lost and Found report on the Palmy radio station matched the description and location of one such trespassing feline now pushing up stones.

My father had experimented with a kiwifruit farm out Te Puna way, west of Tauranga. It had what an environmentalist might consider a wildlife sanctuary, but what my father saw as a killing field. Ponds and gullies aplenty for the countless pheasants and California Quail who added their fates in with any ducks and rabbits. The poacher could stay home and shoot away to his heart's content. No need for stealthy racetrack rabbit hunts or Centennial Lagoon Duck massacres now.

It was no surprise that firearms were involved in my father's idea of a manhood ritual. One summer, the old man decided it was time for me to make my first kill. I had shot slug rifles at targets since I can remember, but shotguns were another step up entirely. It was time for my first .410 lesson. If I passed this exam, one day I might even get to use the .308, like my brother could.

My brother had been converted to marksmanship some years ago, and he accompanied Dad and me to the swamplands behind the caravans where we lived. No honourable ducks were at risk from this folly. The rabbits, quail and pheasant were too twitchy for a novice. Even the lowly Miner birds were considered too quick-witted for my first slaughter. I was going to shoot a pook.

Pooks were the very bottom of the skill tier. Strutting swamp hens, they only manage to get airborne from an ungainly waddling take-off. Most of the time they just stand like sitting ducks. They were generally left alone as they tasted much like the swamp crap they ate, but for the purposes of the ritual, this bird would suffice as the sacrifice.

We were downwind from the swamp as we approached its edge. It didn't take long for a pook to come into range. We lay prone on the grass and the old man signalled for me to pull the hammer of the gun back. I did so, closed my left eye and put a bead on the mired blue bird.

I lay there and nothing happened. The pook eventually meandered away and out of clear shot. I couldn't pull the trigger. At least, I knew I wouldn't. It was time to face the wrath of Dad and tell him that I couldn't shoot the pook. I wasn't expecting the punishment, which seemed to consist of never being invited to shoot anything again, which suited me just fine.

A few days after this manhood fail, when no-one was at the farm, I took the .410 and my brother's gun dog Rommel and went back to the swamp. Rommel managed to flush a pook out of the gorse bushes and I winged it as it tried to flee. It sat high up in the bushes squarking in pain. I sent the dog in to retrieve it, but he came back puffed but empty.

I shot at the pook again, but that seemed to make it worse. The branches were blocking a clear shot. I walked back to the caravan. It didn't take long until the shrieks were out of earshot.

...

And now, here is a photo of some black swans on Wharemauku Pond, a peaceful sanctuary favoured by ducks, pooks and swans alike:

If you don't vote, the vanilla people win

noreply@blogger.com (Will de Cleene) — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 02:27:00 +0000

I've been mulling some witty verse to encourage people to vote tomorrow. Jitterati toonist Grant Buist has saved me a sore brain and done an Election Alphabet:

A is for Apathy, born of disdain,
B is for Bullies, who win through our pain.
C is for Children, to stick with our bills,
D is for Democracy, with attendant ills.

E is for Economy, sunk like a stone,
F is for Fear, of a future unknown.
G is for Goff, and his dismal demeanour,
H is for Hollow Men, meaner and meaner.

I is for Income, the median dropping,
J is for Jobs, which are ripe for the chopping.
K is for Key, the dead-eyed ex-trader,
L is for Labour, approaching their nadir.

M is for Map, to help Labour find its ass,
N is for National’s inertial mass.
O is for Outrage, at poor single mothers,
P is for Poverty, swept under the covers.

Q is for Questions, of asset sale sense,
R is for Recovery, at any expense.
S is for Smile-and-wave until you’re bored,
T is for Tax cuts we couldn’t afford.

U is for Unemployment, the gravest of sins,
V is for Vote, so the right lizard wins.
W is for Wage gap, increasing with Oz,
X is for Xenophobia, our charming faux pas

Y is for Yearning, for a future less fraught
Z is for Zzz. Sleep now, critical thought.

I see your nuked fridge and raise you a kitchen sink

noreply@blogger.com (Will de Cleene) — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 08:37:00 +0000

As far as the MSM Election Orgasmatron goes, the Tea Tapes look to beat Key's "Show Me the Money" couch jumping to win the 2011 Defining Moment of the Match Award. And fair go too. If Key can escalate a plastic photo op into a legal battle over media freedom, thank Dagg he's not holding a nuclear suitcase or a Suez Canal crisis meeting. We'd all be in internment camps or dead or something.

But for me, the defining moment of the election campaign was what Act's Mana candidate blurted before his meltdown:

"My best mate moved to California and works as a cameraman. My sister's moving to Brisbane next week."

Wave goodbye to your future, NZ. This isn't a diaspora, it's desertion in the face of insurmountable odds on the home front. In all the candidates meetings on the campaign trail, I never heard anyone mention how to truly grow the jobs in New Zealand. The Greens were the closest with their "Green Jobs" initiative, which still seems as plausible a scheme as Canada's internet money scheme from South Park.

Labour talked up apprenticeships, but training's not really an issue. NZ has not just unemployment but also massive underemployment. We are shit human resource managers. There are taxi drivers with PhDs, overseas doctors working as Star Mart operators. Rod Oram spoke on this idiocy a couple of weeks ago on NatRad.

I declare that all parties lack the Vision Thing on economic recovery. All these mumbo-jumbo election promises are pointless when you factor in those dark brooding clouds in Europe, China and the US. 2012 is going to be a cunt, and all we've got to choose from is pussy soundbites.

That said, my party vote's going to the Green Party for the first time ever this election. There are lots of reasons behind that decison, but the three main ones are:

1. There needs to be an effective brake pad on National's use of urgency. I do not trust National to slow down their record of urgency motions. Labour don't cut it either. I trust the Greens to fulfil that function.

2. I want Mojo Mathers to be NZ's first Deaf MP. I hope she has an NZSL interpreter for her maiden speech. The vanilla people will have to get used to that mesmeric waiata some time.

3. After twelve years of being Labour's bitch, the Greens deserve a fair suck of the sav.

My electorate vote is going to ALCP's Richard Goode, because he deserves it, and Kris Faafoi needs to learn a lesson. ALCP are the only party campaigning on a "Grow the Economy" policy too. Hemp for Victory!

As for the referendum, I'll be voting to keep MMP. The alternative choice will be STV, insurance in case of improbable defeat. The FPP and SM vote will lickety-split the vote into meaninglessness.