Last week I wrote about raising sex positive kids and touched on my dreams of providing space for my kids to explore their sexuality in a safe environment where they don’t have to fear getting in trouble with their parents or the cops or the neighbor down the street who might “catch” them. This sparked all kinds of conversation in my community about how we, as parents, can provide that space without setting off any taboo radars, without being arrested for child molestation/voyeurism or abuse, and without grossing out our teens with our obnoxious thoughts and questions about their sexual feelings and ideas.

My thoughts turned to when I was young and I asked about sex. My mom gave me the message that sex was something you do when you are married. From an early age, I was convinced that I would have sex by the time I was 17 yrs old. This left me as a young teen with a dilemma about whether I could talk to my mother about sex or not. I decided that because my parents had a rigid idea of what was “okay”, I was not able to tell them if and when I chose a different path. For most of my teenage years, I fumbled, sometimes literally, through exploring my sexuality without the guidance of any adult, relying on the advice of others my age. I learned many lessons in the most difficult ways possible.

Many of my first experiences with sex were wild, exciting and what I thought was fun, while simultaneously being cramped, dirty and shameful. I was often drunk, having met my lovers at drunken teen parties or even at adult bars. I had no idea what I was doing except following the lead of the guy I was with or my friends; none of them suggested I have a “safe sex” talk or that I could say “no” or even ask for what I wanted from these men. I spent years trying to find love and affection by offering my body to men. I had my first orgasm at 20 yrs old, after almost 5 years of being sexually active. And I didn’t learn what my own desires and needs were until I was well into my 20’s.

Now when I imagine the “perfect parent” who could have been helpful to me, I envision someone who was willing to hear what I was experiencing or thinking without judging me for my actions or thoughts. I would have wanted guidance around how to get what I wanted without losing my sense of self in the process. Most of all, when I made dumb decisions and really fucked up, I yearned for someone to help me pick up the pieces, clean up the mistakes and support me to get back to feeling whole again.

When I turned 21, after years of making innumerable poor decisions about my sexuality, I told my mother some of the major mistakes I made. It was very important at the time for her to understand the serious impact her rigid message about sex had on my life. I wanted her to understand my lack of ability to make informed decisions about sex throughout my teen years. My mother could not tell me what decisions she might have made if I had shared my struggles with her back when I was young, but she was very sad that I had not trusted her enough to share this with her. There are two pieces that I learned were crucial and lacking in this process: information and practice.

In our modern world, with our advanced technology, young folk may or may not need information from their parents about sex. There is a lot of decent information today on the internet and in some school programs; well informed teachers give kids a broad understanding of their bodies and others and how they can interact with each other sexually. I want to be available for my kids for whatever questions they have after receiving this information. Clearly, they may choose not to ask me those questions, but I frequently make sure that they know I am there, willing to talk and will not put them down in the process.

One reader left a comment on my blog last week about a book called The Guide to Getting It On by Paul Joannides. She suggested that as a child, she found it helpful when her father left this book lying around, giving her the chance to pick it up and read it at her leisure. She later told me that she might have actually asked her father for information about sex and this was his response. Education through books seems a great resource for kids who are self motivated and need to do things at their own pace.

I have found with my kids that subjects come up in the car, at the dinner table or in particular, after 5th grade when “sex ed” classes start at school and we are able to actively start conversations about how the class is going. Because I am eager to discuss these ideas with my kids, I often jump at the chance to talk about the subject. Sometimes this is good, and sometimes it is too much for the kids.

I want my kids to know that whatever questions they have about sex, they do not need to feel as if they might be ridiculed or demeaned for asking questions or having a thought in the first place. My youngest son recently made a statement in the car about not wanting to look “gay” because he liked a boy. We spent some time discussing this idea and not necessarily whether it was bad to be “gay” or even “not gay” but rather that it was not nice to use “gay” as an insult about other people. I made sure that my boys know that they can be attracted to whomever they want and they will not be judged. My 7 year old, with eye rolling irritation replies, “I KNOW, Mom.”

What seems more difficult to discern is a clear path to how to allow the kids a space to “practice”. When do we ever see young kids encouraged to have sex and enjoy themselves? We are bombarded by the media with sex and the use of sex to sell products is rampant, but the message gets lost in translation. We are not necessarily saying, “Hey kids, sex is a lot of hard work and emotionally difficult, but a lot of fun in the process.” Sex IS hot, sex IS awesome, but sex is not EVERYTHING. And it takes practice.

But where do we expect them to get that practice? An acquaintance of mine is an incredible planner of epic and super sexy events for adults. Although I loved the conversation about how he could make this also work for teens, I tend to operate on a smaller scale. Again, I can envision my kids having a space at my house to “practice”. However, I can also imagine that I could run into some difficult conversations with my kids’ friends’ parents. I can imagine that how I communicate with them about the space will be very important. I believe in direct, honest communication in most areas of my life. This seems like a crucial place to continue that trend.

I would tell other parents my beliefs about sex, my beliefs about how we should talk to our kids about sex, my beliefs about how if we take the mystery and riskiness out of sex, perhaps our kids might not even rush to do it so soon, and might be more conscious about how they relate to sex. I would tell other parents that if they do NOT want their kids to have sex with my kids who are aware of safe sex practices; if they do NOT want their kids to have sex with my kids who are taught to be respectful of boundaries and respect a “no”; if they do NOT want their kids to have sex with my kids who are learning how to ask for what they want; if they do NOT want their kids to have sex with my kids who are learning how to recognize their feelings and speak up for themselves when they feel uncomfortable; and if they do NOT want their kids to have sex in a safe, comfortable environment without the stress of being caught or arrested, then they should NOT let their kids come over to my house. Otherwise, send them over and their kids might get the same message my kids get: be safe, be respectful, ask for what you want, notice what you are feeling, relax and have fun!

So let’s say you’re a generally sex positive person, who has taken on the task of being the primary sexuality educator for you kid(s). You’ve had the “where do babies come from?” talk years ago, perhaps you’ve discussed safer sex, contraception, maybe even talked about pleasure, and you’ve nurtured a relationship in which your child feels comfortable coming to you with questions and concerns. What could be better? But then one day, they take it to the next level– possibly a level outside of your comfort zone.

Does anal sex hurt?
Why do people use handcuffs for sex?
How do two girls have sex together?
How old were you when you first had sex?

Before jumping to any conclusions, it is wise to ask where the question is coming from. Sometimes we assume that if a kid is asking something about sex it means they’re doing it or interested in doing it. This may not be the case at all. By saying, “That’s an interesting question. What’s made you curious about anal sex?” Or, “Well, what do you think people use handcuffs for?” Is a way for you to take a deep breath, step back and buy yourself some time, as well as getting to the heart of what may be motivating the question.

The next thing you can do is take that time to check yourself. What’s going on inside? Our values around sexuality are so deeply ingrained, so personal, and often highly charged, that it is easy to be triggered by a question from our children. It is important to acknowledge and respect this. Our values around sexuality are influenced by a lifetime of taking in messages from family, culture, peers, possibly religion and a lifetime of sexual experiences-which could be anything from abusive to mediocre to amazingly wonderful.

So let’s imagine you are triggered. The mere thought that your kid might be interested in S/M or anal sex or is asking about your sex life, is making you queasy. You have options. Even if you feel you can’t fully address the question, it is important to affirm that you’re glad your child feels comfortable coming to you with questions. “I’m happy you feel you can ask me these questions. This is one I’d like to think about before I answer right away.” Or “Thanks for trusting me with such a sensitive question. In this particular case, I may not be the best person to answer this for you but I want to be sure you get an honest and accurate answer.”

Then you can consider consulting a trusted friend or family member who you feel is better able to handle the question in an honest and matter of fact manner. Or you can consult a trusted resource such as The Guide to Getting It On or a website for teens like Scarleteen.

One of the most important aspects of being the primary sexuality educators for our children is fostering open communication. You don’t need to be a sexpert with all the answers, or even share the same values as your kids, but if they know they can come to you, and you will do your best to give them an honest and helpful response, that will go a long way in nurturing trust in your relationship and in raising a sexually healthy child.

I am very disappointed in Jack Halberstam.

It’s the kind of disappointment you feel for someone you’ve long admired but suddenly demonstrates feet of clay. Jack Halberstam’s movie columns in On Our Backs and Girlfriends seriously inspired me as a budding queer writer and critic. For a while, we were even nominal colleagues at the latter magazine – I wrote the music reviews, Halberstam wrote the movie reviews. I won’t deny that it gave me a tiny warm glow inside to be on the same masthead.

Now Halberstam has an interview with Sinclair Sexsmith at the “Lambda Literary Review.” My gripe with the review isn’t actually with the most egregious moment – when Sexmith more or less declares that the incidence of abuse among lesbian parents is 0% because an unnamed and uncited study apparently says so. As if being a lesbian parent provided some sort of innate and essential inoculation against the mere possibility of abusing your kids. Yeah, well, I remember the days when we thought lesbians couldn’t engage in partner abuse, either. Halberstam rightly, if lightly, dismisses this factoid, but I still kinda want to beat that horse until it’s dead, dead, dead.

But no. That’s why I’m disappointed in Sexsmith, who should simply know better. I’m disappointed in Halberstam because of this quote:

“Sometimes I get really irritated when I’m around other queer couples where one person is kind of clearly butch and the other is clearly less butch, but the butch partner is still called “mom.” I think, what’s that about? Why do you want to be called mom? Nothing could be further from my desire, in parenting, than to be called mom. So, we’re doing this queer parenting thing, but the roles of mom and dad have remained completely stable? Only women can be mom, only men can be dad? What’s that about? It’s another frontier where we need better and more interesting ways of thinking about how gender interacts with social functions like parenting.”

You will understand that as a butch mom, this one sticks in my craw.

Now, OK. I am a butch biological mother in a queer parenting threesome in which the other two members are male-assigned and I would probably have to arm-wrestle at least one of them for the title of “most butch.” Halberstam, by contrast, is step-parenting two older children with a clearly feminine partner, or so I glean from the interview. So I’m not exactly the audience Halberstam is addressing here. Nonetheless, I would surely appreciate it if he would stop projecting his own desire – not to be called mom or any variation thereof – on all butch parents. Or describe our desire, some of us, to be called “mom” as retrogressive.

The idea that because my kids call me mom, I believe or support the idea that only women can be mom and only men can be dad is ludicrous. Now we are using the word “mom” to determine who is hip and happening and genderbending and questioning and exploring how gender and parenting interact, and who’s not. Apparently, by not chafing at the label M-O-M, I’m not.

Even though they also call me “Mister Sir” (and sometimes “Mister Sir Mommy Sir”)? Not making that one up.

Even though I’m not exactly woman-identified? Yeah, I’m the one who sports the uterus my twins were hauled out of, but if you ask me my gender, my gender is butch. My pronoun shifts between “they” and “she” depending on context.
I want to open up the word “Mom” to be as inclusive as possible. Butch moms, femme moms, none-of-the-above moms. Stud moms. Trans moms. Mister Sir Mommy moms. Male moms.

I want other words, too. New words and coinages, and the repurposing of old terms, both obscure and forgotten and otherwise. I want to rip vocabulary from the clutches of the hegemony and wear words any way I see fit. I want to mix codes and confuse the masses. And even if I didn’t want that, it happens in my wake regardless. I’ve watched the ripples of consternation follow me all my life, both before and after I became a parent.

And I see using “mom” for a butch parent as very clearly a repurposing. It’s not a word for everybody, and if Halberstam had stuck to “I have absolutely no desire to be referred to as ‘mom,’” I wouldn’t be writing this. But please. If I can be called a Mom, that lights a fuse to a lot of stereotypes about what Moms can and can’t do, look like, be.

I know some of why Halberstam doesn’t like the word mom. The role of “mom” isn’t perceived as transgressive and challenging – although obviously in my experience having a very butch person being addressed as “mom” can quite challenging to a lot of folks. “Mom” isn’t hip. It isn’t chic. It isn’t cool. “Mom” is denigrated in the same way and for the same reasons that femme and feminine roles and presentations are denigrated. And that’s a power structure I, personally and speaking only for myself, would like to challenge head-on.

I don’t think insisting on “mom” as a butch parent is going to change the world. I don’t think it’s going to put even a chink in the armor of the oppressive social systems that wield power over non-normative parents like me.

But Halberstam declaring that a calling a butch person “mom” is not an interesting way of thinking about “how gender interacts with social functions like parenting” is both short-sighted and rude. It divides potential allies from each other. It polices the boundaries of both “butch” and “mom.” And I stand squarely in the crossfire.

Fortunately I’ve got great armor — but also a toweringly bad mood for having to still field potshots on this subject, especially from folks who are ostensibly on my side as butch parents themselves. Cut it out already. Stop projecting your personal discomfort with certain terminology onto my life, and just call me Mom. There, that didn’t hurt much, did it? Mister Sir Mommy’s got a band-aid in her pocket if it does.

The other day my five year old son whispered in my ear “I feel like a girl.” “What does it feel like to feel like a girl?” I asked. “Like the girls in my school,” he said. “But how do they feel?” I asked. “Different than boys,” was all he could come up with. We’ve had this conversation before and I realize that I’m asking him to describe a feeling that is difficult to explain in words for anyone, never mind a five year old.

Most of us take for granted that we feel comfortable being the gender we were assigned at birth, the gender that is determined by our genetics, our hormones and our internal and external genitalia. But what does it mean to really feel like our gender?
“But I don’t act like a girl,” he told me. It’s true. He acts in many ways like a typical boy. Sometimes he runs around blasting imaginary bad guys with a toy gun. Only difference is he might be wearing a dress at the time. The other day he asked me to do his nails and then showed us how he could shoot missiles out of the different colors.

I remember what one mom stated at a parenting workshop I was giving. Her son had been to a girl’s birthday party and received typical girl party favors he was quite pleased with and was running around the house in plastic jewelry and fancy sunglasses. “I don’t want to do anything to crush his spirit,” she said.
What a beautiful idea- to let a child explore and grow. But in a culture that places a high value on maintaining our binary gender system, this is not a simple task for a parent of a child who is exhibiting gender nonconformity. Will your child be teased, made to feel like an outsider? Will your child be safe?
I volunteer in my son’s kindergarten class and I see how the funniest insult these five and six year olds have discovered is to accuse someone of looking like, sounding like, or acting like the opposite gender.

You sound like a girl! You look like a boy! Coming out of their little mouths, it does not sound malicious. It does not feel like an attempt at cruelty. Not yet. But as they get older, “you sound like a girl” becomes “you sound like a faggot.” And a girl acting like a boy can lead to her being outcast, isolated. The cruelty begins.

We watched the movie Annie last weekend. My son said he didn’t like it after it was over, but then the next morning he asked if we could watch it again, and again, and again. It’s become his latest obsession. At one point he asked me if he could pretend to be the littlest orphan in the movie, whose name we couldn’t remember. I said sure and we started to act out the scene where Annie is comforting her after a bad dream. After a few minutes, my son said he didn’t want me to be Annie. He wanted me to pretend to be a mom who adopts the little girl. “What’s your name,” I asked. Just call me “she” he said. “Okay,” I role played… “I’m your new Mommy and I’m so happy to have you. Welcome to the family.” My son was beaming.

At this point, my husband and I don’t know what path our child will take in his gender identity journey. His current interest in dressing like a girl occasionally and role playing he is a girl may be a phase or it may be a sign of things to come. Either way, we don’t want to do anything to crush his amazing strong and beautiful spirit.

Occasionally, my editor Charlie Glickman sends suggestions for blog posts to me and other Sexy Mamas Bloggers.  Here is a recent one:

I was chatting with a friend the other day about talking with kids about sex and she mentioned something interesting. Part of her resistance to doing so, despite her awareness of the value of it, is her concern that she’ll have to deal with the fallout if her kid passes information along to other kids, who then tell their parents.

As a mom who does speak openly and honestly about sex and all kinds of other stuff with her children, I understand this parent’s hesitation completely. Breaking it down, the situation above seems to me to be about two separate issues:

1) the SHAME a parent could feel if their child tells the truth to a friend whose parents are too scared themselves to be honest, and
2) a problem of communication where this other parent doesn’t want to be TRUTHFUL with their child about sex topics.

Now when it comes to shame, I know shame; I grew up Catholic. (*ba dum bum*) But seriously, the best way to control others is through shame and guilt, right?  Isn’t that how most religions control what behaviors are “acceptable” and what isn’t?  But it’s not just religion that shames people.  We do it to each other so easily.  Shame (righteousness??) has become such a big part of the American culture.  We’re all familiar with the various forms shame comes in.  From shaming sexually interested adults and labeling them “promiscuous” (which for the uninitiated, that is simply a judgmental term meaning someone who is having MORE SEX than YOU are!) to shaming people for falling in love and wanting to be intimate with a partner…unless they are heterosexual and married (to each other).  So in terms of talking to your kids, be not afraid.  Just breathe and know the truth is not hurting your child.  Know that the shame others try to put on you cannot stick if you simply acknowledge that it’s someone else’s shame, not yours.  If you cannot be shamed then the shame has no power over you, right?

For the second issue, truth is so important and there are lots of things to be honest with your kids about and it’s bigger than just sex.  We lie to our children to control their behavior in lots of ways (Santa?) but some kids feel really betrayed when they find out the truth.  Ultimately, all children will figure out the truth – depending on the topic some might be teens when it happens – but the truth will come nonetheless. I don’t know about you, but I want to be the person to give my children real, honest info now so they come to me for the tough topics later. I want to make these conversations easy and commonplace so it’s just talk and no BIG deal.  Given there is so much misinformation out there the truth I want to be a source that’s real.

Kids are going to hear lots of information on the playground or elsewhere if we don’t address it first.  Here’s a non-sex related example of talking about tough issues: Yesterday we were listening to music in the car.  J. Lo’s latest song “I’m Into You” came on.  There is a hook in the refrain where she sings:

“When I look into your eyes, it’s over
You got me hooked with your love controller
I’m trippin’ and I could not get over
I feel lucky like a four leaf clover”

Having heard this song over and over, my girls finally asked “What does trippin’ mean?”  I have to be honest; it escaped me a bit how to answer this. I was trying to think of what various dictionaries would say.  So I bought myself some time and asked what they thought.

They wanted to know if she literally was stumbling but they didn’t think that was right.  I told them it’s possible that’s what the songwriter meant but that trippin’ also had another interpretation.  ”When someone is on drugs or alcohol, their reality is altered; Some people call that trippin’.”  My daughters had no further questions (but I’m sure lyrics of other songs they’ve heard where an artist references trippin’ were being re-cataloged in their brains).  My point is this: It’s OK to tell them the truth about sex or any other topic as long as you are doing so with love and understanding.

As I said in the last blog, innocence is a concept that some adults idealize when it comes to the topics of children and sexuality, but it’s a concept that doesn’t suit the real education of our children.   Oh and please notice, I let my kids drive this conversation; I didn’t go into what I thought needed defining – what I thought a “love controller” was.  *wink*

Lots of parents tell me they would NEVER want their kids to do what they themselves did as teens.  Ok… so when your kids are growing up, why not talk about the decisions you made, why you made them, and why you would have done things differently (if you would)?  Let’s not rely on the implied “Do As I Say, Not As I Do” philosophy as a way to influence our kids’ behavior.  Talk to them with love about why they should do the things you want them to, not simply “because I’m the mother/father/teacher/authority figure”.  Most of us know from experience it doesn’t work best that way.

Don’t allow other parents to shame you about your parenting.  Continue to be honest with your kids.  Do so with love and understanding… your children will appreciate it in the long run.

xxoo,

The MamaSutra

When you have children as young idealistic parents, you know there will be all kinds of unimaginable hurdles to get over, ideas to teach and concepts to instill in your children’s heads. You hope fervently that they will come out as good, kind people who can love others and be some sort of benefit to the world. You know that they will be looking at you as role models for many of their years, and rejecting you as “too old” or “outdated” at some points in their lives. But in all of your dreams, do you ever think about the fact that they will be learning about their own sexuality from you?

I know that I contemplated and watched plenty of funny movies about “the talk”. You know the one, where you tell them what sex is? Of course, we imagine how uncomfortable that one might be, but is it ever more complicated than that!! Despite having grown up in this culture, the one that THROWS sex in your face every day through the media, I never really thought too hard about the fact that I would be responsible somehow for two young men and their ability to relate to sex in the world. I knew I would teach them the “what”, but I never thought about the “how”.

Well, it has recently become obvious to me, as my 13 yr old son gets taller than me, his voice deepens and pimples pop out on his face, that we must begin dealing with these issues. Plus, the girls texting him at school about who he likes and who he wants to “go out with” also gets the idea into my head. I recently read a text conversation on his phone where a girl was saying all the 8th grade boys are perverts, and my son agreed. Next year, he will be one of those 8th grade boys!

In a recent conversation with a friend about this issue, he mentioned a story he heard about a mother coming to a group of older women and requesting that someone volunteer to teach her teenage son the intricacies of a woman’s sexuality and the “proper” way to make love to a woman. My friend asked me if I would ever do this for my sons. My feathers got quickly ruffled, and I adamantly stated that of course I would never do this!! It was wrong, it was disgusting and it was unnatural! He challenged my beliefs. I have gotten over my initial reaction and my thoughts have evolved around this issue in several directions.

I am aware that in some cultures, there might be a tradition of pubescent children being introduced to sex by older people in the village. It is not a new idea. I believe that passing down knowledge from the elders of the community to the younger generation to be a beautiful concept. However, I posit that the younger generation needs to be ready to hear this information. To take that idea further, I would even want them to make the effort to seek it out for themselves from someone they trust. I also posit that if we were talking about a young teenaged woman, we would not be so eager to discuss an older man “teaching” her the intricacies of a male body and how to properly make love to a man. I suspect in fact, that parents of young women would be rather put off by this idea. So why would one think it is okay for a boy?

I also find myself wanting to nourish and encourage the idea of the “normal teenage sexual experience”. That fumbling around in the back seat of the car, or the garage, or the downstairs rooms of the house, I think it is also a beautiful, sacred experience, not to be disturbed by our grown up ideas about how it “should” be. I really like the idea of the kids enjoying the excitement of being young and exploring their bodies together and learning about one another.

What I would want for them is perhaps more that they have a safe space, an accepting space, where they know they can explore each other’s bodies without the fear of a parent coming along and interrupting them and/or getting in trouble for these actions. I would like for them to experience being together and naked and enjoying one another as a sweet loving experience, rather than a forbidden act that might lead to punishment if discovered. I would like the exploration of their sexuality to feel positive from the start.

Rather than discussing older people in the village teaching the kids how it is done, we should be discussing how the older people in the village allow the youth the space to do this exploration together safely and lovingly. Who wouldn’t learn what to do to a female body if she were allowed a place to be heard, to feel seen, to be adored for simply being a young woman with wants and desires? I am intrigued by the idea that a young man might ask questions of her like “how does this feel?” or “do you like it when I do this?” THIS appeals to me. As the mother of young men, I am clear they figure out early what feels good to them, and I would want them to be able to ask for this from their girlfriends as well. I want them to have the experience of being heard and seen as a sexual being as well, not diminished because their needs and desires are so often viewed as demanding, forceful or even forced upon women.

I want also for them to know that this exploration does not have to occur ONLY with the opposite sex. Who says that my boys will only like girls? Who says that other girls might not want to explore with each other? And who says that my boys wouldn’t learn just as much or more about themselves from exploring their sexuality with other boys as they might from young women? Most of all, why would it matter to me? It doesn’t.

And in this experience, as they explore each other, I simply want them to be aware and protect themselves from serious consequences and be clear how they can be smart and avoid pregnancy or STIs. I also want them to know that feelings will come up, they will feel scared or they will feel desire or they will feel deep love and connection. I want them to know that they can say “no” to an experience, a step, an action that feels uncomfortable. THIS is what I want my boys to learn. How to respect a no, how to ask questions before they act, how to ask permission to touch another person. Along with that, I want them to know how to recognize and name what they are feeling in the process, and feel comfortable asking for what they want. Moreover, I want them to feel safe to be who they are.

Ultimately, the question that I end up asking myself is “how involved should parents be in their child’s formative sexual experiences?” I don’t want to be associated with my child’s first sexual experiences. I LOVE sex, but I am clear that my kids do not necessarily want to directly witness this part of me. And I think it is fair to say that I do not want to either be in charge of or witness that part of them either. I want both of my boys to feel like they went out into the world and explored their sexuality on their own and I want them to know that this is OKAY. I want them to feel positive about sex early on in their lives so they have a rich loving foundation for years of sexual satisfaction.

Good Vibrations moved into my neighborhood!

I live near the Grand Lake/Lakeshore area of Oakland. It’s a great place to stroll with my daughters in tow. In fact, when the weather’s good, we have a ritual once a week. We head down to the Splash Pad Park playground for an hour or so, then head up Lakeshore for ice cream at the yogurt shop and pizza at Arizmendi.

This walk takes me right by GV’s new window display.

Some of my fellow parent neighbors are a bit agitated over this notion. I heard a lot of protests during the permit process that the Lakeshore shopping district is family-friendly and Good Vibrations wouldn’t be a good fit for the neighborhood – plus tons of handwringing about what might be in those window displays besides gauzy fabric and tiny white Christmas lights. The prevailing mood seems to have been: there’s nothing wrong with sex toys and sex education, just not in my backyard, please.

The store also has its share of neighborhood supporters, but very few of them, understandably, identified themselves on record as parents on record. Well, let me let you in on a secret, then.

Parents buy sex toys too.

And books, both the sexy picture book kind and the sexy-words-only kind. (I could walk to my own book release!) And lube. Oh, how I am pleased at the thought of good-quality lube and condoms just a short walk away from my house.

I mean, I know that this point is obvious to readers here. But never forget that it’s not at all obvious to the general public: once you’re a parent, sex is supposed to be a secret. You don’t talk about it with your kids. You don’t talk about it with your neighbors.

You’re not supposed to find a way to integrate sex and children and the rest of your life into a seamless whole. And so sex toy shops – even ones as innocuous and, yes, neighborly as Good Vibrations – should not be found next to yogurt shops and florists. And, it’s true, two nearby children’s toy stores, and right beneath a yoga studio that my preschoolers occasionally patronize. Horrors.

So let me repeat that for the record. Parents buy sex toys too. Parents write sexy books. Parents read sexy words, out loud, for an audience.

And some parents aren’t particularly ashamed of this fact.

Some parents don’t need their sex toy stores located on side streets, or in neighborhoods you can only reach by driving. I don’t drive, by the way. Or only available by mail order, where you can’t see or touch the merchandise until it’s delivered to your doorstep.

Sometimes, a little corner of the retail world turned over to women- and couple-friendly sex merchandise isn’t going to blight your block or menace your children’s fragile innocence.

The one issue that really bewildered me was the big concern over the window displays – what children might think of them, the questions they might ask. I mean, maybe my kids are different. But they never look twice at the window displays of the other businesses on Lakeshore. Seriously, if it doesn’t have a giraffe in a tutu and fairy wings, they couldn’t care less. (But if it does have a giraffe, we are required to pause for five minutes while they examine every single item in the window. “Look, Rapunzel’s castle! Look, a dinosaur! Two dinosaurs! And an elephant! That one’s a puppet.”)

Even more seriously, dear neighbors, you’re going to have to figure out how to answer your children’s curious questions about sex sooner or later. Consider it good practice. In the meantime, I suggest saying simply “that’s a store for adults. That’s a book for adults. That’s a toy for adults.” Is that so hard?

P.S. There’s one fact that gives me hope. There’s another business that wanted very much to move onto Lakeshore: a franchise branch of the fast-food chicken joint known as Wingstop.

Turns out, everybody hates Wingstop.

Many of us have been there. You were a kiddo hanging out with the family and Great Aunt Bea walked in. All the adults moved to greet her with hugs, love, maybe some kisses. And there you sat, unmoving.

At which point you were noticed and one of the aforementioned adults walks over takes your arm and says, “Come give your auntie a kiss!” Coerced into overcoming your resistance you reluctantly walk over, half-hug your aunt and scurry away before she can get her pinchy hands to your cheeks.

As cliché and humorous as this situation presents, there are real issues at play and lessons to be learned.  As wonderful and loving as Auntie is and as excellent a relationship each of the adults may have already created with Auntie, you didn’t have a relationship that facilitated a comfort level with Auntie that included touch.

It is important to show respect, but touch should remain at the discretion of each person, especially when they are children. In the above scenario, children encouraged to connect through touch without consideration for the child’s consent short circuits their own process of assessing what they want and what they don’t.

As parents we have the opportunity to cultivate consent skills in our children starting from when they are young. Giving children the option for touch when you can, modeling your comfort with touch and even asking for consent to enjoy touch with your own children, gives them the opportunity to explore their comfort level and allow for touch on their own terms.

Regardless of who it is, extended family, friends and even parents, all adults should respect children as the individual human beings that they are and assess consent before they move in for the hugs or kisses. That may feel impersonal or not honoring the intimacy of family, but honoring a child’s own internal compass allows them to foster authentic intimacy.

Instead of “come give me a hug, you stinker” as you chase your kiddo around the kitchen, try “I would love a hug when you feel like sharing one with me!” When you encourage children to mindfully consider how and when they are physically affectionate, it cultivates the skills they will need as they develop personal relationships with those outside of their family. They learn to examine their feelings and act on them only when they decide using their own framework within their personal comfort zone.

Not only does this support mindful physical connection, but also empowers children to trust their own instincts and self-knowledge. Giving children the power over their own bodies allows for them to practice the internal process necessary to assess how and when they wish to touch and be touched.

Encouraging children to make their own decisions about touch and then exploring together the decision-making framework they employ supports the development of a mindful process based upon quality thinking. Asking questions for exploration, without judgment, helps children become acquainted with their unique internal process. It is also useful for you to share information about your decision-making process when you are choosing to be physically affectionate. The dialogue created will create its own insights and opportunities for sharing. Some examples of questions and statements that may be useful include:

• “I loved that hug. Thank you! What made you want to hug me just then?”

• “I would love to give you a hug. I’ve missed you so much today.”

• “It just feels so good to sit next to you and cuddle with you on the couch.”

• “I understand that you don’t feel like a hug right now. I don’t feel like hugging much when I am angry either.”

• “Sharing hugs with friends is so awesome sometimes and when someone asks if it okay first, it makes me feel good.”

Allowing for children to practice skills when consenting to touch, giving and receiving, helps them explore what works for them at an early age. The more they practice asking for and granting consent now, the more comfortable the communication and the more nuanced their understanding of their own decision-making becomes. Respecting their instincts, trusting children to make decisions that are right for them and supporting them in exercising their decision-making cultivates consent skills they will use their whole lives.

Photo by zhouxuan12345678

You know what word I am discovering that I dislike?

CUSTODY

It’s an icky word. A word that I never thought I’d have to use but have needed to say it, write it, text it, check it off in boxes, and otherwise apply it far more often within the context of my upturned life, my changed relationship, and the shift of our family dynamic than I would have ever imagined.

CUSTODY implies ownership. Stewardship. The word is fully fucking loaded with implications of more than I have the capacity to digest… like strategic management and parental rights and what about child protection and who is the most responsible and available adult and where does she want to reside most of the time and what are the supervision requirements and who has more time to dedicate and who drives to school and packs lunches and helps with homework and what about promises of well-being? For everyone.

And there’s more. Much more, still.

It isn’t a word that gets tossed around within the confines of a partnership that is intact. The word CUSTODY in the context of divorce or separation is, by its very definition, attached, inexorably, to the screaming chaos of loss and grief and change, a weighted black ball of ICK and YUCK affixed to a miserable, slippery, moss-covered chain that is pinned to the frayed edges of broken hearts.

I dislike the word immensely.

I don’t want to use This Word. And I don’t want to find myself using or hearing any phrases that go along with it. My weekend. Your weekend.

No. I just don’t. I don’t know how to not, however. Can someone tell me how to evade custody without … evading custody?

Because instead? Instead, I want to dip silently and somewhat effortlessly into this arrangement we’ve been forced to build as a result of lack of ability to make shit work between us…. without the use of such unpleasant designations. I feel like there’s gotta be a way to do just that.

Support. Cooperation. Negotiation. Collaboration. Trust. These are vital elements of relationships that don’t have to stop once the relationship has changed, right? In fact, I suspect they are even more important to maintain after it has. For the well-being of everyone involved. Perhaps if this becomes the case, This Word won’t seem to have so much weight to it. I look forward to the possibility of not having a problem with Custody.

Which will probably make having primary custody seem a whole lot less daunting than it does right this very minute.

Art by B.Love www.bloveart.com

A favorite CD of mine–Risqué Rhythm: Nasty 50s R&B, is a great compilation of songs that use double entendre in the lyrics to convey sexual meaning.

My five year old son’s favorite track is “Toy Bell” by The Bees. It’s about a little boy and his adventures with his “dingaling” as he grows into a man. When I first played it for my son, I explained to him that dingaling is a silly name they are using for penis. The next track is “Rocket 69” by Todd Rhodes & Orchestra; vocal by Connie Allen & the Band.

We were listening to the CD the other day and he asked for the first time “What is a rocket 69?” My husband, who sometimes defers to me as the sex expert in the family in these situations, replied “Ask your Mom.” I told my son that was the name of the rocket, thinking this might satisfy him. It didn’t. “But what is rocket 69?” he pressed.

“It’s a special rocket” I told him, again thinking this might satisfy. “But why is it special?” he wanted to know. Normally, I’m pretty quick with an answer for any of his sex related questions. I give a simple and truthful answer. But as I started to imagine what the simple and truthful answer would be, I decided that in this situation, I would stick to simple and leave off some of the truth.

At five years old, I figured he could wait a bit before learning about oral sex, not to mention about the joys of giving and receiving oral sex at the same time. It’s not that I think the information would be inherently damaging or that he would take it and try to 69 with one of his little kinder classmates. But as a parent and as a sexuality educator, I always have to take into account what might happen if he were to repeat what he learns at home to his teacher or to another child.

For all parents there is a risk we take when we decide to be comprehensive sexuality educators for our young kids in the context of a sex negative culture that equates fear, shame and abuse with kids and sex. There are some times when it is smart to censor ourselves. For someone like me who prides oneself in being open when it comes to sexuality discussions, this can feel awkward at first, but it is a matter of deciding what is appropriate for your child at different stages.

There are some things I will not compromise on, that I feel are too important not to teach him. At his age that includes knowing the correct terms for both male and female genitalia, and knowing that it is not only okay for him to play with his own penis, but that it feels good and it is a great thing to do in the privacy of his room or when he is taking a bath. But oral sex…really not a priority at this stage in his sexuality education.

But I still had a curious kid on my hands. I got a piece of paper and a pen and wrote the number “69.” I showed it to him. “Look, now I turn it upside down and it’s still 69, but now the 6 is a 9 and the 9 is a 6.” Wow. He was super impressed. “See, that’s why it’s special,” I explained, and my smart little boy was quite satisfied with that simple and truthful answer.