The Awkward Discussion

When I was a kid, my dad decided to have the sex talk with me at a crowded steak and egg place on a Sunday morning. Well he didn’t exactly decide…my mom made him do it. She’d been bugging him for years to talk to me about the birds and bees but he’d been putting it off because he wasn’t the type of guy to talk about sex with his son or anybody! My dad was not communicative at all.

He’d come home from work, read the paper, watch some T.V. and go to bed. If he took me to a ballgame he’d buy me a hotdog, cheer on the home team, ask me if I was having a good time and maybe buy some peanuts although they made him choke. The man was not a talker. So the thought of having the sex talk with me must have been tortuous for him. So there we were, over omelets and biscuits with gravy when he looked at me and said, “Don’t get a girl pregnant.” I looked up from my eggs and said, “Okay”, and that was it. It was over. We’d had the talk!

Now it was my turn. My son was getting older and my wife was insistent that it was time to discuss sex AND drugs with the boy. I was pretty sure that junior had many opportunities to find out anything he needed to know about sex from his friends and the internet so I had to figure out what message I needed to send him. He’d also mentioned to me that one of his friends was caught with some “pot” but he assured me that he’d never tried any. Well I was determined to have a better talk with my son than the succinct one my dad had with me but what exactly should I say that would influence an impressionable young man.

I asked some friends what they told their kids and found out that most avoided the discussion completely or simply asked their kids to tell them what they knew and left it at that. So I was on my own. I searched the internet for info and then I hit on the idea of a combo sex/drug talk. I took my son out for breakfast (to honor my dad) and asked him if he wanted to talk about what men and women do behind closed doors, or in a car or sometimes in a …he turned bright red and immediately shushed me. So I figured I’d better make it quick. I told him that I saw a study that said men who smoke pot daily had a hard time reaching orgasm. He choked on his hash browns and shushed me again. I told him another study said some smokers experience premature ejaculation and I blurted out that he was too young to be a dad and that condoms don’t always work! He looked at me like he was going to pass out. So I guess that was it. I had the talk with my son and it covered both sex and drugs in a weird and disjointed way. Maybe I had scared him a bit about the evils of marijuana and just possibly our little talk would make him think twice before he got naked with a girl.

The one thing I didn’t mention to my little man was that the report on sex and pot smoking I’d quoted from also said that men who got high generally had more sexual partners than guys who didn’t. I didn’t feel that part of the research was something he needed to know…EVER!

I pointed out to the good doctor that when things get tough, the tough get going…to Subway, KFC, Mickey D’s. Not at all amused, my doctor decided to scare the calories out of me. He pointed out, with zero warmth or compassion that obesity and erectile dysfunction go hand in hand and that I was on my way to a lifetime of limpness. Being a sweet and loving physician with a tremendous bedside manner he went on to explain that several of his patients who weren’t much fatter than me had trouble getting and maintaining an erection even with the help of the popular erection pills on the market. I wondered how many of his patients discussed their erections with him and made a note to myself to never ever discuss mine.

I quickly dressed and tried to get out of his office by promising him that I’d start dieting and exercising so I could live a long and healthy and reasonably erect life. But before I could make it out of his exam room he added, “And you should see what you look like naked, from behind. If I was your wife I’d pray for cataracts.” At that moment I wondered if I could have his license revoked. But he had made his point. The very next day I started eating less, exercising and having sex with my wife a bit more often. However it’s going to be quite some time until I let her see me naked … from behind.

Cuckolding Involves What?

A couple of months ago I wrote about how my wife and I were at dinner with friends and they brought up the concept of cuckolding. I explained that it apparently was some kind of fetish that involves a guy letting his female partner have “happy time” with another guy.

Somehow this is supposed to turn guy number one on! Now I know that’s not normal or healthy right? You’re supposed to make “happy time”, with the person you love, not let somebody else do it for you. And if you found out that the person you love got naked with someone else, you’d feel jealous, angry, repulsed and you’d never want to be with that person again, right?

Well that’s what I thought, until this guy at work that I’m marginally friendly with tells me that he lets his wife date and it’s a huge turn-on for him. What? Why would he tell me this? Was I being recruited as a possible suitor? I politely ended our conversation by choking slightly on my ham and cheese panini and left the lounge to go back to my desk.

I then looked up cuckolding on my computer…and guess what…there are cuckold sites, cuckold blogs even whole darn, cuckold communities! It seems there is no lack of men who like to be humiliated by their partners. Guys who like to see their wives and girlfriends get pleasure from someone else, pleasure maybe they can’t give them. They seem to get aroused by experiencing the turn-on of feeling degraded and humiliated. I don’t know about you but I get turned on by making love to my wife when I’m not feeling degraded or humiliated.

I can’t even begin to imagine my wife with someone else. I couldn’t handle it. What goes on in the mind of a cuckolded husband? How do they handle jealousy and the feeling of betrayal? Do they stay in that kind of relationship forever?

I just read about Ron Weinstein, the cuckolded husband of Sheryl Weinstein who claims to have been Ponzi scammer Bernie Madoff’s mistress. She’s written a book about her affair called Madoff’s Other Secret. In it she even reveals that Madoff has a small stimulus package. If I were Ron Weinstein the marriage would be kaput, done, over… but According to a Daily Beast interview, Mr. Weinstein actually said he wasn’t too “fussed” about his wife’s affair and they’re still together.

He would appear to be the perfect example of a willing and supportive, cuckolded husband…or is he? Let’s just wait and see how cuckolded Mr. Weinstein is after he gets his hands on half of his wife’s book money.

The Radiant Megan Fox

The other night, I’m lying in bed reading a book and my wife is next to me watching The Tonight Show, half asleep, when Conan O’Brien says two words that really tick off my wife…Megan Fox.

My wife immediately perks up and begins telling me how much she can’t stand Megan Fox. I close my book just in time to see the glorious Megan sit down next to Conan. She’s radiant, has an incredible body, is witty enough to make Conan laugh and fawn all over her and she’s wearing an amazing skintight dress. Now my wife is fuming. She’s begins slamming Conan for flirting and I remind her that it’s his job to flirt with and talk to Megan Fox…. she’s a guest on his TALK SHOW! What’s he supposed to do, ignore her?

My wife seems offended and dumbfounded that I could find the hottest starlet in Hollywood attractive, so she abruptly ends her assault on me, Conan and Megan by switching off the light, turning over and going to bed. Wait, what just happened? Why does my wife hate Megan Fox so much?

Over the next couple of days I asked quite a few women what they thought about Ms Fox and guess what, not one of them liked her. What is it about Megan Fox that elicits such a strong negative response from females? Women don’t seem to hate Scarlett Johannsen or Cameron Diaz or Jennifer Aniston or Shakira or Jessica Biel or Hillary Duff or Jessica Simpson or the Olson twins, right? Is it because she’s s everywhere; the cover of tabloids, profiled in most major magazines, about to host Saturday Night Live?

If you search her name online you’ll find over thirty four million entries. Her legs have over a million entries and her breasts almost eight hundred thousand! So is the disdain toward Megan from my wife and most women due to jealousy or is it something bigger? I searched for clues in interviews she’d given. In June Megan told Entertainment Weekly, “I come across as confident and [

Okay, I was beginning to understand how females could dislike this global phenomenon. And the luscious Miss Fox had become internationally famous by being in only two major films, neither of which required much acting? Plus Megan doesn’t mind talking about her sexuality and in her latest film Megan makes out with another woman and she looks like she really enjoys it.

Yeah, that’s why my wife is so venomous every time she sees Megan Fox. It’s also the reason my thirteen year old son and his friends think she’s, “hot”, “awesome” and “a freak of nature…and not in a bad way.” I’m pretty sure he and his friends are among the millions of males who Google Megan Fox’s body parts. I only hope my wife never catches him.

Chick Flick

As a married man, I find myself rather distant from all the little nuisances that come with dating. I’m not saying I’m completely exempt from all hassling matters just because I’m married… however, once married, you make compromises and form agreements that eliminate irritating scenarios a la the following:

(8) “Do you think I’m fat?/Do I look fat?” – I hate when women ask this. They either a) already know the answer, or b) are trying to Jedi-mind-trick you into saying something stupid. I hate this question. This is like me asking her, “hey, is my penis big?” What are they supposed to say? …Exactly.

(7) The uncanny discussion of bowel movements – This is only funny when men say it amongst other men. Thinking about girls and bowel movements is disturbing and troubling. I like to believe that I live in a world where girls don’t fart… it just doesn’t happen.

(6) She owns a truck — Alright. This isn’t exactly the worst-case scenario that can occur. However, when said truck is a pickup truck… this changes everything. I don’t want her to be first in line to offer help on moving day.

(5) Hock a loogie – I don’t find this to be impressive or attractive in a woman. This is rarely acceptable when men do this—you can see why I may be so disgruntled by a lady-loogie.

(4) Do not recommend that I read the new Oprah’s book club book – If she wants to recommend it, I’d prefer if she left the word “Oprah” out if it. Ignorance is bliss.

(3) Tricking unsuspecting men into seeing chick flicks – Perhaps this one is our fault. We should probably be more aware of the coming attractions that the ladies will be attending relatively soon— merely in avoidance of being victim to such an ambush. How was I supposed to know that something with a title like The Ugly Truth would turn out to be heartwarming? I could not foresee such a trap.

(2) When they say something, but really mean something else – this is simply confusing, frustrating, and uncalled for. If she doesn’t want to eat at a particular restaurant, but relays that message through the words, “I can’t wait to eat there… I wonder if they have fettuccine?” …while she knows very well that it is a barbeque pit, is simply passive aggressive. I detest such statements.

(1) Mixing up team names amongst sports – I admit—it’s a petty complaint, but if I’m not calling “Nordstrom,” “Ross,” then she shouldn’t be calling “The Saints,” “the Celtics.”

I know you’re probably thinking how could that be true, your mouth and your private parts are pretty far from each other? But it appears to be true. You stop taking care of your mouth and it may end up affecting more than just your ability to get a date.

The article suggested that a bacteria found in the mouth, that has also been connected to coronary heart disease, could also cause limpness “down below.” Makes sense because it’s pretty well known that heart disease is one of the causes of E.D. But it is a little odd to think that visiting the dentist could help you maintain a healthy and firm erection.

I don’t know about you, but I’m not taking any chances. I just scheduled a checkup; I bought a brand new, big time electric toothbrush. I started gargling regularly, purchased a gum stimulator and I now travel with pack of 40 Soft-Picks that I keep in my car because they’ve been shown to be and I quote, “as effective as string floss in removing interdental plaque and reducing gingivitis.”

As you can see I’m taking this gum-penis connection thing seriously. I’m also trying to convince my wife that having more frequent sex will in some way keep my gums healthy… or at least give her an opportunity to see my new and improved, beautiful smile much more often.

I don’t know your phrase, but usually it’s something you can say in front of other people, the kids or even just to each other that conveys affection and a willingness to mate without being too crude or too overt. Well, last Saturday my wife let me know that both kids would be sleeping out for the night and she suggested that maybe we could go catch a movie and then, “hang out.” I immediately assumed that by “hanging out” she was suggesting…ensuring… that we were going to be naked together at some point later that evening because “let’s hang out” was our sex phrase.

So around 5:30 I made myself hygienically sound, took my wife to dinner, a movie and then back home where I waited in bed, locked and loaded. To my utter dismay, my wife crawled into bed, gave me a sisterly kiss on the cheek, informed me that she was exhausted…and went to sleep.

No way!

You don’t use our phrase without following through! I’m not sure women understand that even the slightest suggestion of intimacy…a look, a smile, THE PHRASE, starts the launch sequence in guys. I sulked for days because like most men, I’m not very communicative about my sexual wants and needs.

Finally, my wife got the hint and late Thursday afternoon we ended up “hanging out.” After we cuddled for a bit I asked her why the other day she suggested “hanging out” without following through and to my surprise she informed me that, to her, hanging out just meant… hanging out.

What? Didn’t she realize that was our code? Was she being coy? No, she swore that she was simply unaware that I had somehow designated that as our sex phrase and promised that in the future she’d be more discerning when she used it. Well at least now it was official. The next time my wife says, “Let’s hang out,” we’d definitely, positively end up having sex. Boy, I hope she remembers. Maybe I should send her an email.

10. Are They Experienced? … Is a cowgirl reversible? What’s there not to like about a woman who knows how things work?  I mean this in reference to the bedroom and to life.  The older ladies have earned their stripes as the wise ones.  They know everything.  By everything, I don’t just mean that they’re women so they [think] they know everything… I mean what I mean. Really. Think about it… they’re sharp.

9. Cougars Aren’t Too Tech Savvy … As a preliminary disclaimer, I would like to note that I do not mean this in a negative way.  Why would this be on my list if this was a negative thing? Negativity is for people named Nancy who spell it with an “ie” instead of a “y.”  This technological brain-malfunction is a plus for you, buddy.  How many girlfriends have you had that took the liberty of going through your text messages to see if Julia from the office sent you any texts between now and the last hour she checked?  If you’re with an older woman, chances are she’s not even sure how to get to the inbox on your phone, let alone how to send a text message. Alas, hoorah!

8 Patience is a Virtue … Actually, it’s a noun, but my lousy sense of humor and B-S aside, patience is a virtue.   Younger girls are impatient.  Seriously.  They can take forever applying lip gloss, causing you to be late for a movie, but heaven forbid you need to finish-up on the pot, the whole world comes to an end.  I feel as though an older woman would be far more understanding in pressing times like those.  Bowel movements happen; older women get this.

7. Cougars Have a Job or a Monthly Pension … It’s not common, but it’s also not rare to let one of those “give me those, buy me that, pay for me” girls slip between the cracks and surface into your life.  Now, I’m not a man of particularly high income, and I certainly never minded indulging the girl I was dating in a few little or big luxuries every now-and-then.  But lets be reasonable, here.  I will never put myself in the position to pay for someone’s cable bill ever again.  That’s why, I’ve realized, these older women are not only patient, experienced and beautiful creatures, but they’re also independent.  I like that.

6.  Cougars are Cookers … Going out gets old (… no pun intended).  Staying in and cooking can sometimes be just as fun (if not more fun) than dining out.  The only problem is that many girls I’ve dated don’t even own a cookbook.  The biggest victory in their kitchen conquest was either pancakes or instant mac and cheese.  I won’t lie; I love both of those things, however, imagine a woman with a recipe book who has the ability to make things with no additives, and the experience of various Thanksgiving dinners under her belt.  Now that’s what I call a seasoned veteran (…again, no pun intended).

5. Cougars Still Think Twitter Is Something Birds Do at Sundown … For the same reasons you don’t like your girlfriend going through your phone, you also don’t want her going through your computer.  To a cougar, the internet is a strange and unexplored world… a world that most prefer not to venture into in this lifetime.  I’m okay with that.  Have you ever Googled yourself?  I have.  Traces of my former sleazebag-self are accessible to everybody and the general public can (if they so choose) bask in the embarrassment of what I like to refer to as my “slutting-around MySpace” days.  Shameful.

4. Cougars Have Wheels … Now, I’m not saying that I’m the type of guy who’d like to have his girlfriend or wife drive him around all the time.  I don’t; in fact I hate it.  Girl drivers are frightening and plain bad.  That’s all I can say about that.  On the other hand, it’s always a plus when the older lady you’re seeing insists on driving her full-size minivan to the ballgame you’ve invited her to.  Her selling-point: “I can fit everything you want to bring into the back!”  What she really means is “I can fit all the crap you want to bring with you [that is completely unnecessary and embarrassing] into the back of my mom-mobile.”  I don’t mind this.  Once I thought minivans: lame.  Now I think: minivans: luxury.

3. Cougars Know What They Like … I think most men are in agreement when it comes to how annoying it is when your girlfriend doesn’t know what she wants.  She doesn’t know what she wants to eat, wear or do.  I’ve lost many hours of my life going back and forth to the “where-should-we-eat, well-you-pick, no-you-pick” bicker.  Cougars eliminate this problem.  They’ve lived enough of life to know what they like to eat, where they like to eat, what they want to wear, and what they like to go.  This is great news.

2. A Cougar Won’t Drag You to See ‘Twilight’ – If I need to explain the glory of this point further, then forget everything you’ve read thus far—you deserve to be with a younger woman.

1. Cougars Cop The Senior Citizen Discount Y’All! … I am not judgmental, and for some, the older: the better.  Therefore, I felt the need to see light from the other side of the spectrum.  So, seniors… they get movie ticket discounts, restaurant discounts, and other various kinds of discounts that I’m not even aware of because, well, I’m not there yet.  But the fact of the matter is: everybody likes a discount.  Rock on!

Online Pharmacies Scare Me...

The reason? Just read an article about how the BBC did an investigation and found that some erectile dysfunction medications sold on the internet contained things like printer ink and road paint to give them their pretty color!

Terrific. You go to the internet to buy pills to help get you aroused and instead your little buddy is still soft but you’re nauseous and peeing blue like a Smurf.

There are so many medications sold online that are illegal and counterfeit that when you put them in your mouth and swallow you can’t be quite sure exactly what’s going to happen. You could get harder or bigger or stronger or vomit or pass out or bleed from your ears or end up wandering naked and crying down your street.

I guess the Russian roulette element of not knowing for sure what you’re taking could be exciting for some people. But for me, I like to know that my vitamin pill is actually filled with vitamins, my Tylenol is actually going to get rid of my headache and that any type of treatment for problems down below is prescribed by a doctor. Preferably one who has a real medical license hanging on his wall … and not one that he was able to order online!

She loves it even more when YOU iron.

She feels that kissing and touching and suggestive conversation are all fine-but the thing that gets her hot and bothered, is if Neal does the dishes, puts in a load of wash, gives the kids baths and gets them into bed all by himself.

The more chores he does on any given night, without being asked, the closer he is to getting lucky.

So I asked Neal, if he knows this, why doesn’t he do chores more often? He just looked at everyone blankly for a minute and then tentatively  answered,  “I guess I hate doing the dishes, more than I like having sex.”