A re-cut trailer, or retrailer is a parody trailer for a movie created by editing footage from that movie or from its original trailers, and thus are a form of mashup. They generally derive humor from misrepresenting the original film: for instance, a film with a murderous plot is made to look like a comedy, or vice versa. They became popular on the Internet in 2005.
- Wikipedia

Jerod at Midwest Sports Fan posted his list of The 15 Best Re-cut Movie Trailers:

One of the most clever and entertaining memes I’ve come across is the practice of re-cutting famous movies to create new, usually wonderfully ironic trailers.

Since there is nothing better to this morning, I have painstakingly watched as many of these re-cut trailers as I could find, sifted through the crap, and will now proudly present you with the following list of the best re-cut movie trailers.

His list is a decent one, although his first 3 are TV shows, not movies. And his decision to choose 3 versions of Dumb & Dumber as his his best is odd to say the least. Regardless, here is the list

Seinfeld’s George
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Seinfeld
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The Office
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The Shining (1980) as a Romantic Comedy
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Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971)
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Mary Poppins (1964) as Scary Mary
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Sleepless in Seattle (1993) – Fatal Attraction version
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Shawshank Redemption as a Comedy
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Shawkshank Redemption as a Bromance
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Top Gun
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Home Alone as a Horror movie
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Forrest Gump – Forrest Goes Nuts
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And what Jerod claims in his trio of the best – go figure…

Dumb and Dumber as a Horror movie
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Dumb and Dumber – Emotional
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Dumb and Dumber Re-cut Movie Trailer: Overly Dramatic Edition
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And a few that we like, but didn’t make Jerod’s cut:

Brokeback to the Future
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Must Love Jaws
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The last two that we’ve included are not re-cuts, but rather mashups. So consider them as bonuses rather than part of the list.

The Dark Knight Trailer Recut – Toy Story 2
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Jedi Fiction
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We all know someone who’s a walking catchphrase waiting to happen; they relish that moment when they can slip in to a conversation their favorite over-used movie catchphrases. The interesting thing is that most people use the same ones, over and over again. – moviefone.com

Moviephone’s The 10 Most Over-Used Movie Catchphrases:

1. “You had me at hello.” Jerry Maguire (1996)
2. “I’m the king of the world!” Titanic (1997)
3. “Say hello to my little friend!” Scarface (1983)
4. “Run Forrest, run!” Forrest Gump (1994)
5. “Show me the money!” Jerry Maguire (1996)
6. “You can’t handle the truth!” A Few Good Men (1992)
7. “May the force be with you.” Star Wars (1977)
8. “Houston, we have a problem.” Apollo 13 (1995)
9. “… Bond. James Bond.” (James Bond)
10. “I’ll be back.” The Terminator (1984)

Other catchphrases that we’ve heard people use:

The 40 Year Old Virgin (2005)
David: You know how I know you’re gay?

Kindergarten Cop (1990)
Detective John Kimble: It’s not a tumor!

Pulp Fiction (1994)
Jules: English, motherfucker, do you speak it?

Jules: Say ‘what’ again. Say ‘what’ again, I dare you, I double dare you motherfucker, say what one more … time!

Vincent: Bacon tastes gooood. Pork chops taste gooood.

Jules: Then why you try to fuck him like a bitch, Brett?

Jules: If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.

Jules: Shit Negro! That’s all you had to say!

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994)
Ace Ventura: Do *not* go in there! Pheeww!

Ace Ventura: All righty, then.

Dirty Harry (1971)
Harry Callahan: …you’ve got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?

Taxi Driver (1976)
Travis Bickle: You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me?

Full Metal Jacket (1987)
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: You are nothing but unorganized grabastic pieces of amphibian shit.

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Five-foot-nine, I didn’t know they stacked shit that high.

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: I bet you’re the kind of guy that would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the …common courtesy to give him a reach-around.

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: What is your major malfunction, numbnuts?

Pogue Colonel: Then how about getting with the program? Why don’t you jump on the team and come on in for the big win?

Da Nang Hooker: Well, baby, me so horny. Me so HORNY. Me love you long time.

RoboCop (1987)
RoboCop: Dead or alive, you’re coming with me.

Clarence Boddicker: Bitches, leave!

The Sixth Sense (1999)
Cole Sear: I see dead people.

The Matrix (1999)
Neo: I know kung fu.

Snakes on a Plane (2006)
Neville Flynn: Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!

Die Hard (1988)
John McClane: Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker.

Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)
Austin Powers: Do I make you horny? Randy? Do I make you horny, baby, yeah, do I?

Austin Powers: Smashing Baby!
Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999)
Fat Bastard: [to Mini Me] Get in my belly.

They Live (1988)
Nada: I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass… and I’m all out of bubblegum.

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)
Gandalf: You shall not pass!

300 (2006)
King Leonidas: For tonight, we dine in hell!

King Leonidas: Madness…? [shouting] This is Sparta!

Predator (1987)
Blain: I ain’t got time to bleed.

Dutch: [lying on the ground after being hit by Predator shoulder cannon, he motions to Anna] Run! Get to the chopper!

Blain: Bunch of slack-jawed faggots around here. This stuff will make you a god damned sexual Tyrannosaurus, just like me.

Dutch: If it bleeds, we can kill it.

Big Trouble in Little China (1986)
Thunder: Play your cards right… you live to talk about it!

Lethal Weapon (1987)
I’m too old for this shit!

Sudden Impact (1983)
Harry Callahan: Yeah… you’re a legend in your own mind.

Poltergeist (1982)
Carol Anne: They’re here.

Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
Napoleon Dynamite: You know, like nunchuku skills, bow hunting skills, computer hacking skills… Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills.

What’s a liger? Napoleon Dynamite: It’s pretty much my favorite animal. It’s like a lion and a tiger mixed… bred for its skills in magic.

Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
Knight 1: We are the Knights who say… NI.

Tombstone (1993)
Wyatt Earp: You gonna do somethin’? Or are you just gonna stand there and bleed?

Major League (1989)
Lou Brown: You may run like Hayes. but you hit like shit.

Ghost Busters (1984)
Dr. Peter Venkman: Let’s show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown…

Dr. Egon Spengler: Sorry, Venkman, I’m terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought.

Dr. Peter Venkman: We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!

Dr Ray Stantz: Listen… do you smell something?

Dr. Peter Venkman: Back off, man. I’m a scientist.

Janine Melnitz: I’ve quit better jobs than this.

Red Dawn (1984)
Robert: Wolverines!

Aliens (1986)
Apone: All right, sweethearts, what are you waiting for? Breakfast in bed? Another glorious day in the Corps! A day in the Marine Corps is like a day on the farm. Every meal’s a banquet! Every paycheck a fortune! Every formation a parade! I LOVE the Corps!

Hudson: We’re on an express elevator to hell; going down!

Hot as hell in here. Hudson: Yeah man, but it’s a dry heat!

Hudson: Hey, you may not been keeping up on current events, but we just got our asses kicked, pal!

Hudson: That’s it man, game over man, game over!

Apone: Allright, sweethearts, you heard the man and you know the drill! Assholes and elbows!

Hudson: We got tactical smart missiles, phase-plasma pulse rifles, RPGs, we got sonic electronic ball breakers! We got nukes, we got knives, sharp sticks…

Hudson: [puts his rifle against Burke's head] I say we grease this rat-fuck son-of-a-bitch right now.

Office Space (1999)
Drew: If things go well I might be showing her my O-face.

Michael Bolton: That’s the worst idea I’ve ever heard in my life.

Looks like you’ve been missing a lot of work lately. Peter Gibbons: I wouldn’t say I’ve been *missing* it, Bob.

Peter Gibbons: …when I make a mistake, I have eight different people coming by to tell me about it. That’s my only real motivation is not to be hassled, that and the fear of losing my job. But you know, Bob, that will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired.

Michael Bolton: You and me both, man. That thing is lucky I’m not armed.

Peter Gibbons: Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late, ah, I use the side door – that way Lumbergh can’t see me, heh heh – and, uh, after that I just sorta space out for about an hour… I just stare at my desk; but it looks like I’m working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch, too. I’d say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work.

Peter Gibbons: …every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that’s on the worst day of my life.

Star Wars (1977)
Han Solo: Punch it, Chewie!

Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
Han Solo: Laugh it up, fuzzball.

Star Wars: Episode VI – Return of the Jedi (1983)
Admiral Ackbar: It’s a trap!

What is that?
It’s a unicorn
Never seen one up close before
Beautiful
Get away, get away
I’m sorry

Without a doubt, the best of the five is The Gift by Carl Eric Rinsch

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Time travel

Metromix Chicago recently presented their list of The best adventures through past, present and future. We think they missed a few: Here is their list and our additions. All summaries are provided by IMDb.

• Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure (1989) – In the small town of San Dimas, a few miles away from Los Angeles, there are two nearly brain dead teenage boys going by the names of Bill S, Preston ESQ. and Ted Theodore Logan, they have a dream together of starting their own rock and roll band called the “Wyld Stallions”. Unfortunately, they are still in high school and on the verge of failing out of their school as well, and if they do not pass their upcoming history report, they will be separated as a result of Ted’s father sending him to military school. But, what Bill and Ted do not know is that they must stay together to save the future. So, a man from the future named Rufus came to help them pass their report. So, both Bill and Ted decided to gather up historical figures which they need for their report.
• Time Bandits (1981) – Kevin, an imaginative child, goes on a time-traveling adventure with a bunch of treasure-hunting dwarves, who have “borrowed” a map to the Universe’s time holes from The Supreme Being.
• Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (1986) – A space probe appears over 23rd century earth, emanating strange sounds towards the planet, and apparently waiting for something. As time goes on, the probe starts to cause major storms on earth and threaten its destruction. James T. Kirk and crew are called upon once again to save mankind. They discover the strange sound is actually the call of the humpback whale – which has been hunted to extinction. They have only one choice – to attempt to time travel back into the 20th century, locate a whale, and bring it back to 23rd century earth to reply to the probe.
• Primer (2004) – At night and on weekends, four men in a suburban garage have built a cottage industry of error-checking devices. But, they know that there is something more. There is some idea, some mechanism, some accidental side effect that is standing between them and a pure leap of innovation. And so, through trial and error they are building the device that is missing most. However, two of these men find the device and immediately realize that it is too valuable to market. The limit of their trust in each other is strained when they are faced with the question, If you always want what you can’t have, what do you want when you can have anything? Very confusing the first time you watch it, here is a timeline to help ease the confusion.
• Timecrimes/Los cronocrímenes (2007) – Hector is an ordinary man who’s moving to a new house with his wife. One evening, while he’s looking through his binoculars, he sees a naked girl in the woods. He decides to go there just to find that same girl laying on a rock. Suddenly, a man with a pink bandage covering his face, stabs Hector in his arm with scissors. Then a chase starts, leading Hector to a time machine that brings him back nearly an hour in the past. The man in charge of the time machine explains to Hector (Hector 2) that he must not interfere with the other Hector (Hector 1) so he can go into the time machine again.
• The Terminator (1984) – In the future, Skynet, a computer system fights a losing war against the humans who built it and who it nearly exterminated. Just before being destroyed, Skynet sends a Terminator back in time to kill Sarah, the mother to be of John Connor, the Leader of the human resistance. The terminator can pass for human, is nearly indestructible, and has only one mission, killing Sarah Connor. One soldier is sent back to protect her from the killing machine. He must find Sarah before the Terminator can carry out it’s mission.
• Back to the Future (1985) – Marty McFly helps out his friend Doc Brown, and ends up being taken back in time by Doc’s time-machine. Marty, a boy of the 80′s, has to come to grips with being in the 50′s and get his parents to fall in love to set straight the damage his presence has done to the events of the past. Also B2tF II and B2tF III
• Timecop (1994) – When the ability to travel through time is perfected, a new time of law enforcement agency is formed. It’s called Time Enforcement Commission or TEC. A cop Max Walker is assigned to the group. On the day he was chosen, some men attack him and kill his wife. Ten years later Max is still grieving but has become a good agent for the TEC. He tracks down a former co-worker who went into the past to make money. Max brings him back for sentencing but not after telling Max that Senator McComb the man in charge of TEC sent him. Max has his eye on McComb.
• The Butterfly Effect (2004) – Evan Treborn grows up in a small town with his single, working mother and his friends. He suffers from memory blackouts where he suddenly finds himself somewhere else, confused. Evan’s friends and mother hardly believe him, thinking he makes it up just to get out of trouble. As Evan grows up he has less of these blackouts until he seems to have recovered. Since the age of seven he has written a diary of his blackout moments so he can remember what happens.
• 12 Monkeys (1995) – An unknown and lethal virus has wiped out five billion people in 1996. Only 1% of the population has survived by the year 2035, and is forced to live underground. A convict (James Cole) reluctantly volunteers to be sent back in time to 1996 to gather information about the origin of the epidemic (who he’s told was spread by a mysterious “Army of the Twelve Monkeys”) and locate the virus before it mutates so that scientists can study it. Unfortunately Cole is mistakenly sent to 1990, six years earlier than expected, and is arrested and locked up in a mental institution, where he meets Dr. Kathryn Railly, a psychiatrist, and Jeffrey Goines, the insane son of a famous scientist and virus expert.

Additional time travel movies that Metromix overlooked:

Frequently Asked Questions About Time Travel (2009) – Follows three social outcasts — two geeks and a cynic — as they attempt to navigate a time-travel conundrum in the middle of a British pub. Cassie is a girl from the future who sets the adventure in motion.

Groundhog Day (1993) – A weather man is reluctantly sent to cover a story about a weather forecasting “rat” (as he calls it). This is his fourth year on the story, and he makes no effort to hide his frustration. On awaking the ‘following’ day he discovers that it’s Groundhog Day again, and again, and again. First he uses this to his advantage, then comes the realisation that he is doomed to spend the rest of eternity in the same place, seeing the same people do the same thing EVERY day. Caveat: Some might argue that Groundhog Day is a time loop, not  time travel.

Donnie Darko (2001) – Troubled adolescent, Donnie Darko, receives a disturbing vision that the world will end in 28 days. With the help of various characters, including a 6 foot rabbit called Frank, he slowly discovers the mysterious physical and metaphysical laws that govern his life and that will lead up to the destruction of the universe.

The Time Machine (1960) – From the book by H.G. Wells, a scientist and tinkerer builds a time machine and uses it to explore the distant future where there are two races, a mild gentle race, and a cannibalistic one living underground. His machine is stolen by the underground race and he must risk being captured (and eaten) to return to his own time.

Black Knight (2001) – Jamal, a low-level worker at a shabby amusement park with a medieval theme, finds himself sent back to the year 1328 after he falls in the moat. Before he realizes what has happened, he finds himself mistaken for a messenger from Normandy, enlisted in a plot to kill the tyrant king, and preparing to open a chain of fast-food restaurants, not to mention falling in love with the leader of the assassination plan. “A minnow flapping about in a dirty puddle would make a better fish-out-of-water comedy than this. Lawrence is embarrassingly heavy-handed, shoving the word ‘ass’ into every second sentence then expecting us to collapse in hysterics.”

Millennium (1989) – An investigator seeking the cause of an airline disaster discovers the involvement of an organization of time travelers from a future Earth irreparably polluted who seek to rejuvenate the human race from those about to die in the past.

Time Traveler’s Wife (2009) – When Henry DeTamble meets Clare Abshire in a Chicago library they both understand that he is a time traveller, but she she knows much more than this about him as he has not yet been to the times and places where they have met before. He falls in love with her, as she has already with him, but his continuing unavoidable absences time travelling – and then returning with increasing knowledge of their future – makes things ever more difficult for Clare.

Time After Time (1979) – H.G. Wells has just invented a time machine but hasn’t tried it out yet. When he discovers that one of his friends is actually Jack the Ripper, Jack makes his escape using the time machine. Herbert follows Jack into the late 1970′s where he meets Amy, a bank clerk, who teaches Herbert about life in 70′s while they pursue Jack, who is enjoying the more violent society in which he continues his murderous activities.

Somewhere in Time (1980) – Young writer Richard Collier is met on the opening night of his first play by an old lady who begs him to “Come back to me”. Mystified, he tries to find out about her, and learns that she is a famous stage actress from the early 1900s, Elise McKenna. Becoming more and more obsessed with her, he manages, by self hypnosis, to travel back in time where he meets her. They fall in love, a matching that is not appreciated by her manager. Can their love outlast the immense problems caused by their “time” difference? And can Richard remain in a time that is not his?

Slaughterhouse Five (1972) – “Listen: Billie Pilgrim has come unstuck in time.” The opening words of the famous novel are the quickest summary of this haunting, funny film. Director Hill faithfully renders for the screen Vonnegut’s obsessive story of Pilgrim, who survives the 1945 firebombing of Dresden, then lives simultaneously in his past as a young American POW, in the future as a well-cared-for resident of a zoo on the planet Tralfamadore, and in the present as a middle-aged optometrist in Ilium, N.Y.

Biggles (1986) – One minute the New Yorker advertising expert Jim Ferguson is at a business party — the next he finds himself way back in 1917 in a plane fight during World War I. Mr. Raymond explains to him that he has a time-twin, to whom he’s relocated in space and time whenever one of them is in trouble. So he has to help his twin, biplane pilot Biggles, in his attempt to destroy a German super weapon, that could win their war. Of course it’s hard for Jim to explain his sudden disappearances to his fiance, Debbie.

Timerider: The Adventure of Lyle Swann (1982) – Lyle, a motorcycle champion is traveling the Mexican desert, when he find himself in the action radius of a time machine. So he find himself one century back in the past between rapists, thiefs and murderers.

Army of Darkness (1992) – In this sequel to the Evil Dead films, a discount-store employee (“Name’s Ash. Housewares.”) is time-warped to a medieval castle beset by monstrous forces. Initially mistaken for an enemy, he is soon revealed as the prophecised savior who can quest for the Necronomicon, a book which can dispel the evil. Unfortunately, he screws up the magic words while collecting the tome, and releases an army of skeletons, led by his own Deadite counterpart. What follows is a thrilling, yet tongue-in-cheek battle between Ash’s 20th Century tactics and the minions of darkness.

Timeline (2003) – A group of archaeologists and combat experts led by Paul Walker and Frances O’Connor use a “3-D fax machine” to time-travel back to France in 1357, in hopes of retrieving Walker’s father and returning safely to the present. Fending for themselves against marauding hordes of medieval French warriors at war with the invading British, these semi-intrepid travelers find their body count rising, and the deadline for their return home is rapidly approaching.

The Girl Who Leapt Through Time/Toki o Kakeru Shōjo (2006) – A teenage girl finds that she has the ability to leap through time. With her newfound power, she tries to use it to her advantage, but soon finds that tampering with time can lead to some rather discomforting results.

Summer Time Machine Blues/Samâ taimu mashin burûsu (2005) – 5 college boys, Takuma, Masaru, Shunsuke, Atsushi and Daigo all belong to sci-fi club, but they are not interested in science at all. They usually just hang around, play baseball or card, or take bath at the public bath. One day, they accidentally spill Coke on the remote controller of the air-conditioner. In the sweating bath-like clubroom, suddenly a time machine appears. Eventually, they decide to go back to “yesterday” to bring the remote-controller. The mission ought to be quite easy, however, gradually they come to be worried.

Hot Tub Time Machine (2010) – Four guy friends, all of them bored with their adult lives, travel back to their respective 80s heydays thanks to a time-bending hot tub.

New Scientist is reporting that Star Trek fans should “prepare to be disappointed. Kirk, Spock and the rest of the crew would die within a second of the USS Enterprise approaching the speed of light.”

The problem lies with Einstein’s special theory of relativity. It transforms the thin wisp of hydrogen gas that permeates interstellar space into an intense radiation beam that would kill humans within seconds and destroy the spacecraft’s electronic instruments.

…

Worse is that the atoms’ kinetic energy also increases. For a crew to make the 50,000-light-year journey to the centre of the Milky Way within 10 years, they would have to travel at 99.999998 per cent the speed of light. At these speeds, hydrogen atoms would seem to reach a staggering 7 teraelectron volts – the same energy that protons will eventually reach in the Large Hadron Collider when it runs at full throttle. “For the crew, it would be like standing in front of the LHC beam,” says Edelstein.

You can read the whole article here.

Live long and prosper.

However, I had the feeling that there must be other well-known, fictional drugs in cinema. A little bit of research (thanks to Google and Wikipedia) turned up a plethora of pharmaceuticals the author neglected to mention…

Here is David’s list:

• Valkyr, Max Payne (2008) – An addictive blue liquid drug that was designed to either increase confidence or physical strength, but causes hallucinations that lead to suicide. Valkyr was developed for American soldiers fighting in the Middle East by the Aesir Corporation, but the project was shelved when 99% of all subjects suffered hallucinations. B.B., the head of Aesir’s security, and Sergeant Lupino, one of the successful test subjects, recreated the formula and started selling it on the streets of New York City.
• Spice Melange, Dune (1984) – (alternately, “the spice”) is the name of the fictional drug central to the Dune series of science fiction works by Frank Herbert. The most essential and valuable commodity in the universe, a geriatric drug that gives the user a longer lifespan, greater vitality, and heightened awareness; it can also unlock prescience in some subjects, depending upon the dosage and the consumer’s physiology. This prescience-enhancing property makes safe and accurate interstellar travel possible.
• Substance D, A Scanner Darkly (2006) – A lethally addictive street drug which eventually splits the users brain into two distinct combative entities. The ‘D’ stands for Death.
• Ephemerol, Scanners (1981) – Tranquilizer, used as a morning sickness remedy; a mutagen, it induces telekinetic and telepathic abilities. Ephemerol also suppresses those abilities in adults so affected. Loosely based on thalidomide (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thalidomide), a morning sickness remedy that was discovered to cause physical birth defects.
• Prozium, Equilibrium (2002) – an emotion-suppressing drug called Prozium, distributed at centers known as “Equilibrium”.
• Quietus, Children of Men (2006) – A suicide drug that appeared to be offered by the government.
• Moloko Plus, A Clockwork Orange (1971) – Several fictional drugs in the form of a milk cocktail called Moloko Plus. Vaietys include Moloko Vellocet (Possibly Barbiturates or Synthetix Opiates), Synthemesc (Synthetic Mescaline?), and Drenchrom (Possibly Adrenachrome).
• Nuke, Robocop 2 (1990) – A designer narcotic distributed by the Drug Lord and leader of the Nuke Cult, Cain (Tom Noonan). Cain appears to have a messiah complex due to his own drug abuse; he believes that Nuke is the way to paradise, and wants to distribute it to the entire city.
• Neuroin, Minority Report (2002) – Effects similar to heroin , transparent gaseous drug administered using plastic inhalers. Its street name is Clarity

Additonal pharmaceuticals we found in movies:

• Bacta, Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back (1980) – Bacta is a healing substance available from the planet Thyferra. Bacta was invented by the insectoid Vratix of Thyferra by mixing alazhi salve with a synthetic liquid chemical called kavam. This concoction is further mixed with a colorless viscous liquid called ambori. It mimics the body’s fluids and helps in regeneration. It is used to help with cuts and burns as well as severe cellular damage, such as frostbite.
• Bellerophon, Mission: Impossible II (2006) – the antidote to the fictional Chimera virus in the film
• Dehalcynate, The Island (2005) – A concentrated solution which is fatal if not diluted. The name of the drug is not spoken in the film, but the labels on the bottles are seen in a few frames.
• Dypraxa, The Constant Gardener (2005) – Dypraxa is a drug advertised by the fictional company ThreeBees. It is being tested on poor Kenyans in exchange for free medical treatment. It is intended to treat tuberculosis, or TB, and was created in anticipation of a future TB epidemic.
• Gambutrol, The Exorcism of Emily Rose – A fictional anti-epileptic drug prescribed to Emily Rose by her doctor which supposedly “locks” her demonic possessions into her mind, leading her priest (Father Moore) to stop the medication, which in turn leads to his eventual incarceration under the charge of negligent homicide. This is most likely a spin off of the real anticonvulsant/anti-epileptic medication, Gabitril
• Hypnocil, A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warrior (1987) / Freddy vs. Jason (2003) – A dream suppressant pill. Prevents people from dreaming and keeps them from being attacked by Freddy Krueger, for unless you’re dreaming, he can’t hurt or kill you. When on this drug, he is essentially powerless to harm you.
• Imobatine, Freddy vs. Jason (2003) – “A syringe and a bottle with a pink liquid in it. The label on the bottle reads IMOBATINE.” Used by Freddy on Jason to make him sleep and drag it into the dream world. Freddy tries to kill him in a place where he can’t be defeated.
• Novril, Misery (1990) – A powerful, highly-addictive analgesic (Codeine) administered to the novelist Paul Sheldon by his nurse and “number one fan”, Annie Wilkes. In the film, Novril is in capsule form and is tasteless and non-addictive.
• Prexilin, She Hate Me (2004) – A HIV vaccine that reportedly cures 100% of users. However, it is revealed that tests results have been tampered with in order to get FDA approval. Actually the vaccine is effective only in 75% of the cases.
• Provasic (RDU-90), The Fugitive (1993) – A “miracle drug” developed by Devlin-MacGregor Pharmaceuticals. Provasic produces drug-induced hepatitis, but the producers alter the test results in order to get FDA approval. This side effect and the cover up are discovered by doctor Richard Kimble.
• Retinax V, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (- Medication usually prescribed as a treatment for people with hypermetropia, or far-sightedness, in the 23rd century. Some people, such as James T. Kirk, were allergic to this form of medication, and the alternative of “reading glasses” was therefore still required.
• Experimental Serum 114, A Clockwork Orange (1971) – A drug which causes severe nausea, pain, and discomfort. It is injected during the Ludovico treatment, which uses a series of violent images forced on the viewer in order to cure violent urges in criminals.
• Turbolax, Dumb and Dumber (1994) – A very powerful laxative.
• Zydrate, Repo! The Genetic Opera (2008) – Zydrate is the prototype narcotic drug and is the standard against which all other opioids are tested. It interacts predominantly with the opioid receptor. Zydrate is extracted from corpses and glows blue.
• Gleemonex, Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy (1996) – Anti-depressant that effectively cures depression rather than alleviating the symptoms. It is a blue hue in its synthesized state, but it is distributed as an orange pill. An unfortunate side-effect permanently locks users into his/her happiest memory, effectively making the user comatose. Rumor suggests the drug may contain monkey semen. The proper or common name of Gleemonex is revealed to be Duoroflouriximinimum 602.
• Ladder, Jacob’s Ladder (1990) – Aggression-enhancing drug created by the U.S. Army’s Chemical Warfare division in Saigon during the Vietnam War and tested on American troops in the Mekong Delta, with horrific results. Based on the Army’s purported experimentation with a hallucinogenic drug called BZ.
• Lot Six, Firestarter (1984) – Mild hallucinogenic substance designed to induce extra sensory perception in patients. Administered by a government organization known as The Shop to 12 subjects in 1969. Scientifically known as di-lysergic triune acid, but nicknamed “booster acid” by the team developing it. A side effect includes chromosomal mutation.
• Polydichloric euthymol (PDE), Outland (1981) – An amphetamine-type drug that in the short term makes human beings capable of doing fourteen hours’ work in six hours, but in the long term induces psychosis and subsequent death. The name of the drug is the same with that of the explosive used in Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991) and with a molecule simulated in The Relic (1997).
• Project 5 formulas, The Lawnmower Man (1992) – A collection of drugs designed to increase neurochemical activity and enhance intelligence. Developed and tested on animals, their use on humans is strongly contraindicated.
• Bug Powder, Naked Lunch (1991) – Yellow powder initially used by exterminators to kill bugs. When injected into the bloodstream it can cause, what Joan Lee describes as, “a literary high” and may or may not be a hallucinogen.
• Plutonian Nyborg, Heavy Metal (1981) – An inhaled white powder whose appearance resembles cocaine, and whose effects resemble those of marijuana; but seems to have an effect similar to marijuana, if you are to judge from their speech and actions. However, with the trippy scenes that follow the characters’ ingestion of the drug, the creators may have intended to suggest effects similar to hallucinogens such as LSD.
• Red Death, Bringing Out the Dead (1999) – A dangerous strain of heroin possibly mixed with an unknown amino acid. It causes people to overdose more easily, and requires much more Naloxone than normal to bring people out of it.
• Space Coke, Cheech and Chong’s Next Movie (1980) – An insanely powerful stimulant of extraterrestrial origin.
• Alkadexabenzathera-podazalamide, How to Murder Your Wife (1965) – Also known in the movie as “goof balls” which, when taken in combination with alcohol produce an effect of “Ziiiiiip, Flop.”
• Re-Agent, Re-Animator (1985) – Unnamed, unspecified green neon chemical substance which is capable of resurrecting the dead, right down to the molecular level. In a deleted scene in the film, Herbert West is shown using it as a stimulant, and is apparently quite addicted to it.
• Adrenochrome, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1998) – not to be confused real chemical of the same name, supposedly taken directly from the adrenaline gland of a living human being.
• Butazamine, Dead Ringers (1988) – Diet pill (Amphetamine). Claire Niveau uses it as an aphrodisiac – “it makes sex come on like Nagasaki.”
• Crystal Dream, Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man (1991) – “There’s a new drug out there called Crystal Dream. Now, what it is, you don’t shoot it, you don’t smoke it, you don’t snort it. Apparently, you put it in your eyes, and it tells you lies.”
• E-Z 4, Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977) – An aerosol sleep-inducing agent. Non-fatal and fast-acting, but causes a bad headache.
• Iocaine powder, The Princess Bride (1987) – odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in water, and is among the more deadly poisons known to man. It is well known to come from Australia.
• Ortho-pure Procreation Pills, The Running Man (1987)
• Trinity, The Crow: City of Angels (1996) – addictive powder distributed in tiny glassine envelopes. The face of the envelope has been stamped with an image – a cartoon imp with a idiot grin giving the thumbs-up sign.
• Red Pill/Blue Pill, The Matrix – The pills are philosophical symbolism: The red pill will answer the question “what is the Matrix?” (by removing Neo from it) and the blue pill simply for life to carry on as before.

Earlier this year, IGN published its list of what it claimed to be the fifteen most disturbing movies. Here’s how they introduced the list:

What’s the difference between scary and disturbing. Can a film be one and not the other? Which movies really make you go home from the theater in fear or cower into your couch considering some awful truth, squirming uncomfortably at some hideous sight or sound? We here at IGN Movies have put together a list of the 15 Most Disturbing Movies, looking back over the last few decades of cinema to find the films that made us feel dirty or voyeuristic or ashamed to be human, offered to you here in no particular order.

Its a mediocre collection of films, but quite frankly either the author has no clue about ‘disturbing’ or he’s lived a rather sheltered life. Yes, some are gory and touch on uncomfortable situation (i.e. rape), but the ‘most disturbing?’ — we beg to differ. Here is their list with summaries by IMBD. Afterwards we take it up a few notches and introduce you to the really vile experiences.

IGN’s list

The Hills Have Eyes (2006) – While traveling in a trailer to California through the New Mexico Desert, a family is misled to a shortcut going to nowhere by the owner of an isolated gas station and wrecks the car in a rock. Along the night and on the next day, they are attacked by a group of deformed cannibals, fruit of the atmospheric nuclear tests conducted by USA from 1945 to 1962 in that spot. Absolutely trapped by the psychotics, they have to fight to survive.

The Exorcist (1973) – Something beyond evil is happening in a little girl’s room. Regan has brutally changed both in the way she looks and the way she acts, with violent outbursts on everyone who comes in contact with her. Her worried mother gets in contact with a priest who comes to the conclusion that Regan is possessed. The top priest who can deal with an exorcism, Father Merrin, is called in to help save Regan from the demon inside her.

A Clockwork Orange (1971) – In a futuristic Britain, a gang of teenagers go on the rampage every night, beating and raping helpless victims. After one of the boys quells an uprising in the gang, they knock him out and leave him for the police to find. He agrees to try “aversion therapy” to shorten his jail sentence. When he is eventually let out, he hates violence, but the rest of his gang members are still after him.

Audition/Ôdishon (1999) – Seven years after the death of his wife, company executive Aoyama is invited to sit in on auditions for an actress. Leafing through the resumés in advance, his eye is caught by Yamazaki Asami, a striking young woman with ballet training. On the day of the audition, she’s the last person they see. Aoyama is hooked. He notes her number from her file, calls her and takes her to dinner. He hesitates to call again, worried that he’ll seem too eager. When he does, Asami knowingly lets the phone ring for some time before answering. She’s alone in her darkened room – alone, that is, apart from the writhing victim she has tied up in a sack on the floor. Finally, the first one in the list that would make my list of disturbing films. The horrible things near the end of the movie are pretty stomach churning, but are made more so because of the context. Throughout this movie, things were quiet and understated. It is so much more jarring to see the guy that we’ve spent over an hour and half with slowly tortured. Not only that, he didn’t deserve it; he was just a lonely widower trying to find happiness.

Salò o le 120 giornate di Sodoma / Salo, or 120 Days of Sodom (1975) – Set in the Nazi-controlled, northern Italian state of Salo in 1944, four dignitaries round up sixteen perfect specimens of youth and take them together with guards, servants and studs to a palace near Marzabotto. In addition, there are four middle-aged women: three of whom recount arousing stories whilst the fourth accompanies on the piano. The story is largely taken up with their recounting the stories of Dante and De Sade: the Circle of Manias, the Circle of Shit and the Circle of Blood. Following this, the youths are executed whilst each libertine takes his turn as voyeur. This film is definitely one of the most vile things ever put on celluloid. Despite being 35 years old, Salo is probably the most cruel and repulsive film ever made, not just in Italy but in the whole world; It depicts the worse atrocities inflicted to humans by humans. I saw this film fifteen years ago (criterion version) and I don’t want to see ever again.

El Topo (1970) – The gunfighter El Topo (“The Mole”) and his young son ride through a desert to a village, whose inhabitants have been massacred. Bandits are nearby, torturing and killing the survivors. El Topo rescues a woman (Mara), who leads him on a mission to find and defeat the four master gunmen of the desert. Leaving his son with a group of monks, El Topo and Mara complete the mission, accompanied by a mysterious woman in black. The woman leaves El Topo wounded in the desert, where he is found by a clan of deformed people who take him to the remote cavern where they live. Awakening years later, he goes with a dwarf woman to a nearby town, promising to dig a tunnel through which the cave-dwellers can escape. They find the town run by a vicious sheriff and home to a bizarre religious cult. El Topo’s son, now a man, is a monk in the town. The completion of the tunnel leads El Topo, the townspeople, and the cave-dwellers to a bloody and tragic end. Bizarre,surreal and amazingly violent – yes, most disturbing – no.

Hard Candy (2005) – After three weeks chatting with the thirty-two years old photographer Jeff Kohlver in Internet, fourteen year-old Hayley Stark meets him in the Nighthawks coffee shop. Hayley flirts with him in spite of the difference of ages and proposes to go to his house. Once there, she prepares screwdriver for them and Jeff passes out. When he awakes, he is tied up to a chair, and Hayley accuses him of pedophilia. Jeff denies, and Hayley begin to torture him, in a mouse and cat game. This movie is about torture, castration and extreme violence against men.  Five foot tall Stark first appears to be a cute, naive 14 year old who arranges to meet a mysterious adult man called Jeff. After drugging him she reveals her true colors as a psychotic paedophile vigilante complete with superhuman strength and the torture skills of a terrorist. Interesting movie, but I wouldn’t classify as ‘most disturbing.’

Requiem for a Dream (2000) – Drugs. They consume mind, body and soul. Once you’re hooked, you’re hooked. Four lives. Four addicts. Four failures. Doing their best to succeed in the world, but failing miserably, four people get hooked on various drugs. Despite their aspirations of greatness, they succumb to their addictions. Watching the addicts spiral out of control, we bear witness to the dirtiest, ugliest portions of the underworld addicts reside in. It is shocking and eye-opening but demands to be seen by both addicts and non-addicts alike.

The Last House on the Left (1972) – After kidnapping and butchering two teenagers, a gang of rapists and murderers unknowingly seeks refuge with the parents of one of the victims.

Day of the Woman / I Spit on Your Grave (1978) – The film follows Jennifer, a writer who is working on a new novel and needs to get out of the city to finish it. She hires a riverside apartment in upstate New York to finish her novel, attracting the attention of a number of rowdy male locals. They catch Jenifer one day and strip her naked for the village idiot (Matthew) and rape her. Jennifer is later attacked and raped a further two times by the four degenerates, and her novel is also destroyed. But Jennifer slowly recovers and in her now-twisted, psychotic mind, she then begins to seek revenge on the four men who raped her.

Oldboy (2003) – An average man is kidnapped and imprisoned in a shabby cell for 15 years without explanation. He then is released, equipped with money, a cellphone and expensive clothes. As he strives to explain his imprisonment and get his revenge, he soon finds out that not only his kidnapper has still plans for him, but that those plans will serve as the even worse finale to 15 years of imprisonment.

Jacob’s Ladder (1990) – New York postal worker Jacob Singer is trying to keep his frayed life from unraveling. His days are increasingly being invaded by flashbacks to his first marriage, his now-dead son, and his tour of duty in Vietnam. Although his new wife tries to help Jacob keep his grip on sanity, the line between reality and delusion is steadily growing more and more uncertain. Jacob’s Ladder?!?! Really? Oh please.

The Strangers (2008) – After returning from a wedding reception, a couple staying in an isolated vacation house receive a knock on the door in the mid-hours of the night. What ensues is a violent invasion by three strangers, their faces hidden behind masks. The couple find themselves in a violent struggle, in which they go beyond what either of them thought capable in order to survive.

Videodrome (1983) – The president of Civic TV Channel 83, Max Renn, is always looking for new cheap and erotic movies for his station. When his employee, Harlan, decodes a pirate video broadcast showing torture, murder, and mutilation called “Videodrome,” Max becomes obsessed to get this series for his channel. He contacts his supplier, Masha, and asks her to find the party responsible for the transmission. A couple of days later, Masha tells that “Videodrome” is real snuff movies. Max’s sado-masochistic girlfriend Nicki Brand decides to travel to Pittsburgh, where the show is based, to audition. Max investigates further, and through a video by the media prophet Brian O’Blivion, he learns that that TV screens are the retina of the mind’s eye, being part of the brain, and “Videodrome” transmissions create a brain tumor in the viewer, changing the reality through video hallucination.

Cannibal Holocaust (1980) – A New York anthropologist named Professor Harold Monroe travels to the wild, inhospitable jungles of South America to find out what happened to a documentary film crew that disappeared two months before while filming a documentary about primitive cannibal tribes deep in the rain forest. With the help of two local guides, Professor Monroe encounters two tribes, the Yacumo and the Yanomamo. While under the hospitality of the latter tribe, he finds the remains of the crew and several reels of their undeveloped film. Upon returning to New York City, Professor Monroe views the film in detail, featuring the director Alan Yates, his girlfriend Faye Daniels, and cameramen Jack Anders and Mark Tomaso. After a few days of traveling, the film details how the crew staged all the footage for their documentary by terrorizing and torturing the natives. Cannibal Holocaust is one of the most disturbing motion picture ever made. This film is one that we can all agree on: The brutality shown and the unbelievable disregard for emotion portrayed is enough to make you shudder in revulsion. Some of the displays in the movie are hard to even believe a human being could think up such vile and putrid acts. Of course it’s perverse, and of course it’s repulsive and objectionable, but despite all this, it’s still an incredible film. Similar films from the Italian cannibal subgenre include Mangiati Vivi / Eaten Alive(1977), Cannibal Ferox / Make Them Die Slowly (1981), and  Natura Contro / Cannibal Holocaust II (1988).

Well, that’s IGN’s list. As you can see, they had a few hits but for the most part their choices are less than stellar. Now onto the really nasty ones:

The Girl Next Door (2007) – The story revolves around two girls who have recently been orphaned and are sent to live with their aunt who has three young sons. She is a middle aged woman obsessed with feminine purity who sees the new arrivals as a potentially corrupting influence on the masculine world she presides over. She actively encourages her sons to perpetrate more and more severe acts of bullying and sadism against the older girl who is eventually tied up in the basement and used as a play thing by all the neighbourhood children. Only the boy who lives next door, who has become friends with the girl, has a growing sense of unease about the “games” which are taking a very sinister turn, yet he is powerless to change the course of events.

Nekromantik (1987) – Robert Schmadtke works at a streetcleaning agency. He has a strange kind of hobby; he collects body parts and preserves them on alcohol. His girlfriend adores him, for because his job and attraction to corpses. One day Robert brings home a complete corpse. Betty gets really excited… until Robert looses his job.

Nekromantik 2 (1991) – The sexy nurse Monika has a problem, she is torn between two lovers one alive and one dead. The living lover is handsome and trustworthy, but is he as good in bed as the dead and rotting Rob?

Hei Tai Yang 731 / Men Behind The Sun (1988) – Story of a Japanese terror camp in the end of WW2, where the Japanese are using the Chinese as guinea pigs in terrible experiments to develop deadly bacterial-plagues. This is the first movie to be rated “III” (equivalent to the US rating NC-17) in Hong Kong. This film, based on a real camp (Unit 731, Japanese Experimentation Camp, 1937 – 1945), has some of the most revolting gore I have ever seen. This is definitely not an enjoyable movie. Any Italian cannibal movie I can think of is more upbeat than this.

Murder Set Pieces (2004) – Set against Sin City, Las Vegas, “Murder-Set-Pieces” tells the story of a fashion photographer whose vocation is murder – a voyeuristic nightmare of blood, sex and brutality. What is called the most graphic and disturbing horror film ever made is nothing more than gore for the sake of gore, violence for the sake of violence, and vicious bloodshed for the sake of vicious bloodshed.

Ginî piggu 2: Chiniku no hana / Guinea Pig: Flower of Flesh and Blood (1985) – A woman walking home late at night is attacked by an unknown assailant who knocks her out with chloroform. When she regains consciousness, she finds herself tied to a bed in a blood- spattered dungeon, at the mercy of a white-faced man in a samurai helmet who wants to turn her into a “flower of blood and flesh.” He then proceeds to slowly dismember and disembowel her as the camera records it all.

Cutting Moments (1997) – In the center of a monotonous suburban existence, Sarah lives silently and in subservience to her icy husband Patrick. They have been together far too long, and Patrick’s affections for his wife have all but vanished. Instead, his sexual urges are tempting him to lust after their own son. Realizing how far gone her husband is, Sarah undertakes drastic, shockingly sickening measures to salvage some sense of her life and purge her years of festering resentment.

Aftermath (1994) – When the others leave for the night, the last mortician begins to fondle the corpses. He quickly moves to the corpse of a young woman who died in a car crash, tearing her clothes off and mutilating her body. He then mounts her and rapes her corpse while taking pictures with a camera and timer. He brings her heart back home to his dog for food. One of the hardest to stomach movies you will ever see. The footage is as shocking as it sounds, trust me.

Schramm (1993) – Lothar Schramm is a simple man with complex problems, yet he seems like such a nice guy. He works as a taxi driver and lives by himself where he is happy to answer his door to strangers and kill them outright. As with many shy loner types he has a problem dealing with woman so he drugs them and photographs their nude bodies for sexual stimulation. He then murders his helpless victims and so goes the life of a deranged serial killer.

Begotten (1990) – Based on the nihilistic philosophy that life is nothing more than man spasming above ground, this contains the most intense and grisly imagery you’ll ever see in a film. There is no dialogue, only image after image describing the cycle of life. The film’s combination of stark black and white photography compounded with some truly creepy background sounds work to drive home the maker’s message. My advice, don’t watch it: Begotten (a horrifically blasphemous film) will stick with you for the rest of your life, like it or not.

Pink Flamingos (1972) – Sleaze queen Divine lives in a caravan with her mad hippie son Crackers and her 250-pound mother Mama Edie, trying to rest quietly on their laurels as ‘the filthiest people alive’. But competition is brewing in the form of Connie and Raymond Marble, who sell heroin to schoolchildren and kidnap and impregnate female hitchhikers, selling the babies to lesbian couples. Finally, they challenge Divine directly, and battle commences.

Koroshiya 1 / Ichi the Killer (2001) – When the Yakuza boss Anjo disappears with e fortune of his gang, his sadomasochist number one and lover Kakihara and his men search for him. The mysterious Jiji arrives in their office and accuses the rival Yakuza Suzuki of abducting Anjo, and Kakihara tortures him trying to locate the boss. When Kakihara realizes that he has committed a mistake, he pays with his tongue to the Yakuza and sooner he finds that the responsible is the psychopath and mentally deficient Ichi, who was abused in his childhood and is sexually repressed, and is controlled by Jiji using his skills in martial arts and blades to eliminate the gangsters.

Sweet Movie (1974) – The intercut story of two women: a nearly-mute beauty queen who descends into withdrawal and madness, and another who captains a ship laden with candy and sugar, luring men and boys aboard for sex, death, and revolutionary talk. The beauty queen passes from a wealthy husband whose honeymoon delight is to urinate on her, to a muscular keeper who punches her, stows her in a suitcase, and ships her to Paris, to a lip-synching rock idol with whom she has a love spasm, to an Austrian commune complete with a banquet of vomit, urine, feces, chopped dildos, and wet nurses.

Philosophy of a Knife (2008) – The true history of Japanese Unit 731, from its beginnings in the 1930s to its demise in 1945, and the subsequent trials in Khabarovsk, USSR, of many of the Japanese doctors from Unit 731. The facts are told, and previously unknown evidence is revealed by an eyewitness to these events, former doctor and military translator, Anatoly Protasov. Part documentary and part feature, the story is shown from the perspective of a young Japanese nurse who witnessed many of horrors, and a young Japanese officer who is torn between his sincere convictions that he is serving the greater purpose, and the deep sympathy he feels for an imprisoned Russian girl. His life is a living hell as he’s compelled to carry out atrocious experiments on the other prisoners, using them as guinea pigs in this shocking tale of mankind’s barbarity.

Bijitâ Q / Visitor Q+ (2001) – A father, who is a failed former television reporter tries to mount a documentary about violence and sex among youths. He proceeds to have sex with his daughter who is now a prostitute and films his son being humiliated and hit by classmates. “Q”, a perfect stranger somehow gets involved and enter the bizzare family who’s son beats his mom, who in turn is also a prostitute and a heroin addict.

August Underground’s Mordum (2003) – Two deranged friends bring along another guy to go on a random murder rampage. They kidnapped lesbian lovers, couples and they torture them in any way that the viewer can imagine. What happens in Mordum is so over the top and grotesque, that it no longer seems real. Although not a great film, Mordum will nevertheless find an audience amongst gore-hounds and fans of extreme cinema thanks to stomach-churning effects and a few taboo-busting scenes: a man is forced to emasculate himself with a pair of scissors; a woman makes herself vomit over her two screaming victims; a man guts a woman, then drops his trousers and proceeds to ‘bang away’ at the dead woman’s abdominal cavity; and then there’s the notorious bath scene which takes sexual deviancy on film to a new level.

Updated 12/16/2009: Added additional information to Cannibal Holocaust entry

Updated 12/17/2009: Added thumbnails for each movie

As the father of two boys, I have just finished watching the four Bionicle movies with them. A strange experience to say the least; the Bionicle movies describe a world of heroic, living machines possessing a bizarre blended theology of polytheism and Eastern philosophy. Since I sat through all four, (some more than once) Goozlepipe presents the first of a four-part review.

When I was a child LEGOs were brightly colored, nearly indestructible plastic blocks that you could use to build anything your wanted… as long as it was roughly rectangular. But times have changed. Sleek and stylized, LEGO’s Bionicle (“biological” + “chronicle”) is a line of toys marketed primarily to 6 – 16 year-old boys.

The story-arc of BIONICLE is set in a sci-fi world inhabited by part-organic, part-machine beings in a subterranean world, which exists in massive domes underground. This world, “The Matoran Universe,” and its races were once protected by a Great Spirit named Mata Nui, until he was cast into an eternal slumber by the evil Brotherhood of Makuta, namely Makuta Teridax, and the world of the Matoran began to fall apart. Mata Nui has since been revived, with unfortunate consequences being Teridax succeeding in conquering the Matoran Universe and ruling it with an iron fist.

Confused? Well, that is part of its allure to adolescent boys. The confusing mix of odd names, titles, locations, and creatures is a secret language to which adults aren’t privy. Don’t feel bad though, during each movie I found myself constantly asking the boys, “Who is that” or “what is his name again?”

Bionicle: Mask of Light

Release: 2003
Runtime: 1 hour, 10 min
Genre: Animation, Action, Adventure, Family, Fantasy, Science Fiction
Language: English
MPAA Rating: PG
Starring: Jason Michas, Andrew Francis, Scott McNeil, Lee Tockar, Christopher Gaze, Kathleen Barr, Dale Wilson, Michael Dobson, Trevor Devall, Lesley Ewen, Chiara Zanni, Doc Harris

Amazon Link: Bionicle – Mask Of Light

Synopsis: In a land of living machines, two Matorans are chosen to seek the legendary Mask of Light in order to discover their savior from the dark forces of the Rak Shekah. During the course of their quest, they will call on the heroes of their people, the Great Toa. These Toa, masters of nature’s forces such as Fire, Wind, Earth & Water, try to protect the chosen ones as they seek their destiny.

Mask of Light is tale about two Matorans: Jaller and Takua. One day they stumble upon a mysterious glowing mask and are told by their elders that it is the Mask of Light, which will herald the arrival of the prophesied seventh Toa. Toas are heroic guardians who protect the Matorans, and up until now there have only been six of them—the Toas of Fire, Water, Stone, Air, Earth and Ice. Jaller and Takua are appointed to find this seventh Toa, but the Matorans’ eternal foe, Makuta, isn’t going to make it easy for them. His brutish minions, the Rahkshi (suits of armor controlled by the slug-like creatures), are stalking their every move, just waiting for the right moment to pounce.

The animation is first rate for a direct-to-video movie. The use of lighting, shadows, a variety of effects and camera angles all combined to make this look really advanced by comparison to most animation styles. The animation is very fluid, with the mechanical heroes blending well with their environment.

The voice acting is acceptable, though none are standout performances. The technical aspects covered, what about the story and characters? The storyline was solid enough to carry the movie as a stand-alone project although fans more familiar with the series will get more out of it. In fact, the chronology shows that the events in Mask of Light are actually the last to occur:

The writing was good in terms of character development. As an adult, I thought there were some dark moments and some scary characters that might be a bit much for very young kids, but the situations are moderate and serve to punch up the story a bit.

As I alluded to at the beginning, the story also carries a surprisingly dense religious mythos. Its unsettling blend of polytheism and Eastern philosophy pops up in one way or another in nearly every scene:

• During an early scene, we learn that the Great Spirit’s evil brother, Makuta, casts him into a coma-like sleep and then unleashes his corrupting shadows upon the Matorans’ island home.
• During public gatherings, Matorans corporately praise the Great Spirit and beg for supernatural protection.
• An elder speaks of an ancient prophecy being fulfilled.
• The Toa of Water adopts the lotus position in order to “ponder the Great Thoughts.”
• Three Toa perform a healing ceremony to rid another of a poisonous infection.
• During a climactic battle, the Toa of Light and Makuta (who rules the darkness) fuse together, transforming into a separate creature greater than the sum of its parts.

Kids may say they’re not interested in this spiritual stew, favoring instead the heroic action and computerized animations. But one comes with the other, and children have a tendency to absorb absolutely everything they see and hear, especially when they like what they see and hear.

That caveat aside, fans (young or old) will consider it a must have though, and even an adult such as myself found things to enjoy here… once or twice. Though after repeated viewings I’m getting a little tired of it, but my two sons enjoy it and in that respect it delivers what it promises, never claiming to be more than it is.

Goozlepipe Rating: Really Liked It

Our list focuses on those movie with strong Christian values. For that reason, perennial Christmas favorites like It’s a Wonderful Life (1946), A Christmas Story (1983), or Miracle on 34th Street (1947) are not included.

A Christmas to Remember (1978) – A city-bred grandson moves to his grandparents’ farm during the Great Depression and grows up enough under their tough care to help his grandfather deliver a surprise gift on Christmas Eve to their community church with the help of a phantom stranger.

Bethlehem Year Zero (2004) – A novel approach to the Nativity presenting Jesus’ birth as television reporters and analysts might have covered it, had the medium existed in King Herod’s time. The field correspondents and studio pundits discuss the economic and political ramifications on society and speculate about the meaning of the Messiah’s appearance in their milieu.

Christmas Child: A Max Lucado Story (2004) – An updating of Max Lucado’s book “A Christmas Cross”, this film is about a successful Chicago journalist, whose marriage is at a breaking point as he is about to celebrate both his 40th birthday and Christmas; he is sent away during the Holidays to Texas for a story, and there reflects on his life and its meaning.

Christmas Miracle at Sage Creek (2005) – With a history of feuding, horse rustling and violence, the Franklin and Red Eagle families are well known rivals in the lawless western frontier. When disaster strikes, these two families will be forced to confront their many differences as lives hang in the balance. Set against the breathtaking backdrop of Wyoming’s majestic open range, Christmas Miracle at Sage Creek is an uplifting Western classic; a story of faith, filled with action and suspense that will thrill the whole family.

Christmas Mountain (1981) – A cowboy comes to a town at Christmas time. He eats at a cafe but was unable to pay for his meal, so the owner throws him in jail. The town wants to alleviate their guilt over a Mexican family, who has pregnant woman with them, who lives on top of a mountain called Christmas mountain. They bail out the cowboy and tells to bring some old clothes and food to them. While there the young boy of the family feels sorry for him and prays that god will send him some help.

From the Manger to the Cross (1912) – An account of the life of Jesus Christ, based on the books of the New Testament: After Jesus’ birth is foretold to his parents, he is born in Bethlehem, and is visited by shepherds and wise men. After a stay in Egypt to avoid King Herod, his family settles in Nazareth. After years of preparation, Jesus gathers together a group of disciples, and then begins to speak publicly and to perform miracles, inspiring hope in many of his listeners, but also arousing some dangerous opposition.

Jesus: The Movie (1979) – Jesus of Nazareth,the son of God raised by a Jewish carpenter. Based on the gospel of Luke in the New Testament,here is the life of Jesus from the miraculous virgin birth to the calling of his disciples, public miracles and ministry, ending with his death by crucifixion at the hands of the Roman empire and resurrection on the third day.

Mary of Nazareth: From Nativity to Calvary (1995) – While the importance of Mary of Nazareth in the Gospels cannot be overstated, rarely is her life on its own looked at. This docudrama, filmed on location in the Middle East with 110 actors and 8,500 extras, does just that, dramatizing her story from her betrothal to Joseph to her witnessing of the crucifixion of her only son.

Mary, Mother of Jesus (1999) – This TV movie doesn’t venture far from biblical accounts to dramatize the life of the Virgin Mary. The production proceeds chronologically, and the major events of Mary’s life, and the life of Jesus, are played out in dramatic fashion. Mary is portrayed as having to face a series of struggles and tests of faith, from the time when she is terrified to meet the messenger of God who foretells the birth of the Messiah to her witnessing the brutal scene of her son’s crucifixion.

Noelle (2007) – A struggling New England Catholic parish is on its last legs when a diocese priest arrives to take stock and prepare the pastor and his scraggly flock for the church’s closing. It’s Christmastime, and the pastor, Father Simeon is not running a tight Yuletide ship – and may be hitting the bottle a bit much. The visiting auditor, Father Jonathan, throws up his hands at the disorganization. Yet with his interaction with the parishioners, Father Jonathan is forced to confront his own feelings and judgmentalism, revisiting a mistake he made as a young man when its ghost, like Dickens’, begins to revisit him.

The Case for Christ (2007) – Based upon the Gold-Medallion award-winning best-seller, The Case for Christ documents Lee Strobel’s journey from atheism to faith through his two-year investigation of the Bible and the life of Jesus Christ. Strobel, the former legal editor of the Chicago Tribune, draws upon his investigative skills to examine the historical accuracy of the Gospels, the personal claims of Jesus and His resurrection from the dead. Is there evidence to confirm that Jesus of Nazareth was, indeed, the son of God and the savior of the world?

The Christmas Miracle of Jonathan Toomey (2007) – When a broken hearted boy loses the treasured wooden nativity set that links him to his dead father, his worried mother persuades a lonely ill-tempered woodcarver to create a replacement, and to allow her son to watch him work on it. The commission takes their relationship to unexpected places as the young client makes greater and more difficult demands of the woodcarver’s ability, and as Christmas approaches, the three struggle to come to terms with each other, their painful memories and the process of putting their unhappiness behind them.

The Christmas Shoes (2002) – Two separate stories mesh – in the first, a young music teacher, Maggie Andrews, begins dying of a heart condition and her son Nathan tries to get a pair of Christmas shoes for her before she dies. In the second, lawyer Robert Layton and his wife Kate are slowly drifting apart and the matter comes to a head during Christmas when Kate takes over for Maggie for the school choir and declines a job in Robert’s firm. When Robert’s mother passes away, he begins to reconsider things and his and Nathan’s paths cross on Christmas Eve as Nathan tries to raise the money for the shoes and Robert tries to get a present for his daughter.

The Fourth Wise Man (1985) – Artaban is a young Magus (Wise Man) who desires to follow the star to the birthplace of the coming King, against the counsel of his friends and family. Carrying three precious jewels to give to the baby Messiah, Artaban and his reluctant servant Orontes set off to join the caravan of the three other wise men. They miss the caravan, but Artaban continues the search for his King, always one step behind. Artaban spends much of his remaining wealth and all of his energy helping the poor and unfortunate people he meets, until at the end of his life he finally finds Jesus

The HOPE – The Story of God’s Promise For All People (2002) – The HOPE is a dramatic motion picture presentation of God’s redemptive story as revealed in 36 Biblical events from Creation through the Second Coming of Christ. It includes some of the most beautiful cinematic presentations of the Bible ever filmed.

The Little Drummer Boy (1968) – When Aaron’s family is killed, he hates all people and his only friends are the lamb Baabaa, the donkey Samson and the camel Joshua. But an unscrupulous travelling performer convinces them to join his troupe, and then sells Joshua to a trio of kings. Aaron follows the star to find Joshua, but then Baabaa is badly injured, and Aaron must overcome his hatred of mankind and find a gift with which to approach the babe in the manger and ask for help.

The Nativity Story (2006) – A drama that focuses on the period in Mary and Joseph’s life where they journeyed to Bethlehem for the birth of Jesus.

The Star of Bethlehem (2009) – A magnificent display of the evidence to support the claims made for the Star of Bethlehem. The presentation is an inquiry without presupposition that engages even the most hostile viewer in an entertaining and easily understandable way. The data and the methods of investigation employed are transparent to anyone wanting to repeat them for themselves

Veggietales: The Star of Christmas (2002) – Bob the Tomato and Larry the Cucumber appear as Cavis Appythart and Millward Phelps, respectively – two jingle writers based loosely on Gilbert and Sullivan. The setting is 1880s London, and they’ve written a musical called “The Princess and the Plumber”, which they plan to open on Christmas Eve. Cavis thinks the production will “teach London how to love”. But children at nearby St. Bart’s Church are planning a nativity play for the same evening, and they plan to feature the Star of Christmas, a religious artifact unseen by the public for decades. The London Post Gazette writes a front-page story about the nativity play and the Star, and Cavis and Millward hatch a plan to make their musical better than the children’s play. In the end, they learn about the true meaning of Christmas.

Veggietales: The Toy That Saved Christmas (1996) – Appearing in his own TV commercials, unscrupulous toy maker, Wally P. Nezzer has convinced all of Dinkletown that “Christmas is when you get stuff!” With the town’s children begging for more toys, it’s sure to be the worst Christmas ever – until one brave little Buzz-Saw Louie doll decides to take matters into his own hands! The Toy That Saved Christmas reminds children of all ages the “Christmas isn’t about getting; it’s about giving.”

Release: 2009
Runtime: 1 hour, 36 min
Genre: Family, Animation, Comedy, Adventure
Language: English
MPAA Rating: PG
Starring: Edward Asner, Christopher Plummer, Jordan Nagai, Bob Peterson, John Ratzenberger

Amazon Link: Pixar’s UP

SYNOPSIS: Young Carl Fredrickson meets an adventure-minded girl named Ellie. Both dream of moving to Paradise Falls, an isolated plateau in South America. Seventy years later, Ellie has died and Carl is determined to fulfill their dreams of moving to Paradise Falls. When Carl inadvertently hits a construction worker, he is sentenced to a retirement home. But before they can take him away, he and his house fly away, along with a stowaway: an eight-year-old boy named Russell. Together, they embark in an adventure, encountering talking dogs, and a lost hero turned villain, and a rare bird named Kevin.

Up to this point, I have enjoyed Pixar’s movies, with the exception of the revulsion-inducing, vermin-infested “Ratatouille.” Even “Cars,” which was a bit too NASCAR for me, had a great story and fabulous characters. “Up,” unfortunately, does not meet Pixar’s previously high standards for storytelling.

Up’s uninteresting story of the old widower and his stowaway is technically competent with moments of visual inspiration: Carl’s balloons are like translucent gumballs, sunlight shines through them midflight and suffuses a little girl’s room with color. But heavy-handed sentimentality and a goofy, uninteresting script trump those artistic points.

As a child, Carl Fredrickson, already a young fogey, thrilled to the airborne adventures of daredevil explorer C.J. Muntz. But in retirement, Fredrickson, reminding us of a cartoon version of Spencer Tracy, sulks; acting every bit the geezer he is. But Carl is not an irascible curmudgeon – that might be interesting. Instead, he’s bland, old man whom life has largely passed him by, and the movie stalls before it starts. Russell, the overweight, not-very-bright, eight year old scout, is needless to say cute. I guess Pixar is hoping to capture the ‘American kids who are overweight’  (32%) demographic.

But Pixar doesn’t stop with the cute, fat kid – in fact, they simplify and cute-ify everything to the point of maudlin sentimentality. Even the montage showing Carl’s marriage to childhood sweetheart Ellie (their wedding, companionship, childlessness, then Ellie’s illness and death) is over-sentimentalized. It ends with Carl, alone, holding a blue balloon at Ellie’s funeral. Another montage of Carl leafing through the childless couple’s scrapbook is equally sappy, especially when you consider the logic of “Who took those pictures?”

In addition to over-sentimentality, “Up” trivializes too many issues: Carl and Russell’s loneliness, Carl’s ‘public menace’ court conviction and Carl’s heavily damaged house that ends up as nothing more than an empty shell abandoned on a barren cliff. To me, it’s pretty clear to me that Carl Fredricksen flies to Paradise Falls to ‘bury’ his wife and find his own grave. But Pixar would never fulfill that motive. Instead, the fat kid drags him on a goofy quest to save a rainbow-plumed bird. In other words, “Up” drops important issues and elements for chase mechanics and uninspired comedy gags: literal aerial dogfights, a chocolate-eating goony bird, and a Doberman stuck with a chipmunk’s voice. As the slapstick action is manically cranked up, lame jokes are repeated and promising critiques of old age, hero worship, unrealized dreams, and lost loved ones are tossed aside, resulting in a mushy, silly pop-cartoon.

On reflection, what bothers the most is that everything in it seems meticulously designed to elicit an emotional response from the audience, rendered in such broad brushstrokes of faux naiveté. Indeed Pixar seems so busy focusing on the generic plot mechanics and emotional touchpoints that when they reach the island, the image of the house flying becomes ho hum – just like the story.  In the end, “Up” is hardly an offensive picture – at worst, it’s simply innocuous, and at best, it’s very, very pretty to look at.

Goozlepipe Rating: Didn’t Like It

Update (12/14): After reading this review, my eight year-old daughter wasn’t very happy with me. It seems she has a very different take on the film. So in the interest of fairness, here is her quick review:

I liked this movie – it had funny animals in it. The ‘baby’ Kevins were soooo cute, and I laughed when they threw up tennis balls. Dug was very funny too. You should watch UP; it will make you laugh.

Eight Year-Old Rating: Really Liked It