You want to know what one of my greatest fears would be concerning my children?
Other than finding them dead in a bed?
Check! Umm....done that one....
Let's move on....
Having a child who feels there is nothing left in this life to live for or not even up to faking it for shits and giggles sake. A feeling that they are not loved enough, cherished enough, understood enough, wanted. enough. even if they are.
This scenario truly scares me. One can be ever vigilant. Send their kid to the best schools, pay the up most attention to their kid. Give them everything they could want and then some along with showering them with a spotlight hovering their every waking moment and breath and yet this kid could still take their own life in a moment of irrational and hopeless thought.
This past week a 14-year-old from my girl's school, took his life with a shot gun. to stick it to the man or his mother. Because he was grounded. Because he was pissed.
Another child who was also a member of our church and was 17-years-old took his life yesterday. Again with a shot gun.
Why?
Did he along with the other kid think of what it would truly be like to find their bodies like this? I mean I've always worried about dying because of the shitting my pants factor but seriously, these kids have clearly not thought this business through.
Now. At the age of 7 and 8, I've had to explain suicide to my girls. Because life hasn't been odd enough for them, this other form of death has reared it's funky head in their rear-view mirrors.
While these suicides are not shocking to me personally as I have known quite a few who have actually followed through with the deed along with that one train-wreck who "threatened to" but didn't this past year; I have found myself becoming quite jaded and callous to this very stupid idea.
The idea of offing yourself is so chicken shit and well, easy. Easy for you. Hard for everyone else but easy because you totally copped out of having to deal with life and it's emotions. It's so easy because you didn't have to clean up your own fucking pig- pen- of- a- mess. You left it for everyone else to deal with and figure out.
And yes, I'm not empathetic as I have had to go on and live for others. Not giving up because it's a "sin." Not offing-myself because it would be too rude to do so.
Because I would never want to leave that kind of messed up legacy for my children and family to have to deal with.
Now... if my girls were to ever dare to do so after all of the education, threats, examples and pleading; I will totally bring their stupid asses back from the dead and kick their butts.
In the end. as a parent. I know. I would NOT ever get over this situation. I think it would be the end for me as well. Just how do you come back from this? I ask because I have come back from death at a totally different angle. An angle I'm familiar with but this slant? I simply don't think I could/would ever be able to do so.